Dean's eyes widened in surprise and he gripped the railing tightly. His mouth opening and closing without making a sound. Cas forced himself to step closer. As he did so Dean reared up.

"Cas!" he barked. Cas halted his foot on the first step. He removed it and stared up at Dean Winchester. He was dressed in a oversized shirt with flannel pants and one slipper on his food. His eyes were bloodshot with bags under them and his chin and neck were covered by an ungroomed beard. It struck Cas that somehow, Heaven had not been kind to Dean Winchester.

Cas met Dean's gaze only for a moment. He couldn't bare to look at him. Dean had never been as good at hiding his pain as he thought he was and in the face of eternity he had apparently lost any interest in the attempt itself.

Before Cas could think anything else he found himself enfolded in a tight embrace. He struggled to free his arms enough to return the gesture but before he could Dean had let go and was starting back up the steps.

"You should come in, we have a lot to catch up on." He called cheerily, letting the cabin door slam behind him. Cas rushed up the steps and pulled the door open to find a cabin brimming with litter. He paused a moment on the stoop. Litter shouldn't be there. Even with free will in a non-shared living space, the lot should morph itself to fit whatever the person inside wanted. He made a note to mention it to Jack and stepped inside.

Dean had made himself busy over the sink, grabbing the wrappers he could and discarding them while yet disappeared without him lifting a finger. When he turned around the dishes on the wooden dinning table and chairs disappeared from. Cas hesitantly looked up to find Dean white knuckle gripping the counter a tense smile planted on his face. He gestured towards the table.

"Have a seat." Cas obliged and a few moments later Dean took the seat at the other end of the table. For a few moments the pair sat in silence and then Cas asked the question he had been dreading.

"How are you Dean?" Dean stilled a look of panic briefly crossing his face before he plastered it over with the same tense smile. He began to wring his hands and a beer appeared between them. His elbow brushed a bottle opener, and he wrestled the top off, and gulped down a swig.

"You want one?" He offered. Cas shook his head. "They're non-alcoholic," Dean continued, "Taste like your best memory of them but they don't do shit." He flashed another smile, hoping to brush off his comment.

"I'm good." Cas replied but a beer appeared in front of him anyways. Dean slid the bottle opener over and Cas reluctantly opened it. It hissed as it opened. He took a swig and wrinkled his nose at the watery nearly absent flavor. An image of Dean across from him in a leather booth, grinning as he raised a toast appeared before him, and he shook it off, pushing the beer away.

"I've never been much of a beer guy." He claimed. Dean nodded slowly and then took another gulp of the beer in front of him. Cas struggled to figure out how to rephrase his question but before he could say anything something overtook Dean.

"Why didn't you visit, Cas?" He had that hurt look he tried so hard to bury it made Cas wince. Seeing that his expression gave way to one of anger. Cas fumbled for something to say. He didn't have a good answer.

"I was afraid of this,"seemed too harsh even if it was true. "I was busy," was true but only technically true and Dean would see right through it.

"I don't know." Is what he ended up saying on. Dean scoffed.

"Yeah, I bet." He muttered, taking another swig of beer, "Let me guess busy?" Cas squirmed in his seat. He decided to change tactics.

"I should have." He conceded. "I am sorry for that."

Dean looked down at the table. He pulled his beer over and began to fiddle with the label. He exhaled, allowing his shoulder to fall slightly. Cas stared at him, waiting for him to look back up. Dean was reticent though. It took him awhile to respond.

"You're alright?" He asked gruffly. He looked up and stared at Cas. He looked tired, more tired than Cas had ever seen him. Dean was trying and failing, to push aside any emotion that wasn't indifference. It was painful to watch. The kind of decline that Cas couldn't look away from but which made him wince internally every time he caught a glimpse of Dean's face.

"I'm…" he paused to mull over his answer. He wasn't okay truly but that didn't seem like what Dean needed to hear. He was here and he was alive, and he was in no danger of being pulled away. That felt like enough for the moment.

"I'm okay." He replied.

Dean didn't move his eyes from Cas' face. He didn't say anything either. He just stared at him. Cas wanted to ask what he felt but he wasn't sure even Dean knew what he was feeling, and if he did, he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it just yet.

"How are you Dean?" he asked again. Dean froze. His eyes glazed over and he looked right through Cas towards the door behind him.

"I'm fine," he replied after a moment, his voice shaky at first, "It's Heaven right? Why wouldn't I be happy?" He looked back to Cas as if he expected an answer. Cas didn't have one. It was Heaven. He was supposed to be happy. Yet, he so clearly wasn't. He opened his mouth searching for something to say. He couldn't find it. Dean found something.

"How long do you have?"

"What?"

"How long before they take you back?" He pressed.

"We have as long as you need," Cas promised. He wasn't entirely sure he could deliver but it seemed as if Jack wasn't eager to have him back any time soon.

Dean scoffed and shook his head. He had the same absent gaze again.

"I don't believe you," he replied, looking anywhere but Cas. "There's always something."

"I'm here on Heaven's orders." Cas admitted. Dean reeled back as if he had been stung. He pushed his chair back from the table and began shaking his head.

"People are worried about you." He pressed on. Dean laughed loudly and coldly. Cas inhaled, his hands gripping tightly at the edge of the chair. "I've been sent to find out if you're alright." He continued.

Dean slammed down his beer and pushed his chair away from the table, throwing his hands up before bringing them back behind his head.

"Sent?" He asked, "Oh, that's good. That's good. You had me going there for a moment. I thought you might be genuinely concerned. I'm glad that's all cleared up now." He brought his hands down to grip the counter's edge again, letting himself lean against it. Cas frowned at him.

"I'm just trying to be honest Dean."

"Yeah well," Dean started, turning around so that he was facing Cas, "You always pick the best times for that don't you?" Cas inhaled sharply. Staring at Dean his face contorted in a mixture of rage, grief, and dread, he was reminded of how he'd looked when they'd last spoken. The feeling of his hand on Dean's shoulder as he pushed him away.

It had been selfish. He'd known it even at the time, but he hadn't expected to live, to have to make an apology for it. He still didn't know what to say. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to regret it. He would have done it again without question if the moment required it. It was the right call, or if not exactly that, the only call. He had hoped that with time Dean would understand.

Dean glared at Cas clearly expecting a response but Cas had none.

"Dean, I—" he began but Dean cut him off, his anger seeping through.

"What, 'love' me? We both know that's bullshit. You don't pull the kind of crap you did if you love someone, Cas!"

"What crap, Dean? I thought I was going to die. I wanted closure—"

"No! You decided you were going to die, you decided you needed closure, and you didn't care what that cost me or anyone else!"

"We both would have died if I didn't call on the Empty. I didn't decide to die. I decided to save you!"

"I didn't want saving Cas!" Dean shouted, pushing himself off the counter and walking towards Cas.

"Maybe not you needed it." Cas replied.

Dean stopped halfway down the length of the table. His mouth opening and closing as he searched for what he wanted to say. He turned away, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth.

"I needed you." Dean's voice was so quiet that Cas couldn't be sure that Dean had heard what he'd said. He stood still his hands gripping to top of a chair. His head tilted so that his face was hidden from view.

"Cas, I needed you." He repeated his voice only slightly louder. "I needed you then and I needed you every day since and you weren't here. You walked out on me and you didn't look back. All the time that I've been up here, first time you paid a visit it's because Heaven asked you to. You asked me to care about you and you made me it an idiot for it. So don't tell me that you meant it when you said you loved me, because if you love somebody you don't do that to them. You just don't."

Dean turned his head to look at Cas directly and Cas inhaled sharply. He could see every mistake he'd made etched into the lines on Dean's face. Regret overwhelmed him and he stepped closer, eager to offer some comfort. Dean flinched away, turning his back to him once more and Cas stilled again, his hand lingering on the back of a chair.

"Dean, I'm sorry." Dean tensed.

"It's fine," He muttered grimly but he stayed where he was and didn't turn to face Cas.

"I just don't get it, after everything we've been through— why didn't you tell me?" He grabbed the new full beer which had appeared on the table and took a swig, still being careful not to look at Cas.

Cas watched him warily for a moment, waiting for him to look back, waiting for some confirmation that he could still look at him. When it didn't come he pulled back a chair and sat down.

"When I first saved you, I thought you were an arrogant self-righteous, self-destructive, bastard, who couldn't get out of his own way if the world depended on it. I resented being tasked with protecting you." He began. Dean chuckled dryly.

"Well, why don't you tell me what you really think of me." He deadpanned, still looking at the table.

"That's just it. I thought all of that but then you changed me. I started to know you, really know you. The Angels, and me among them, thought that if we just offered you enough you would see we were right, and you would give in and be a vessel for Michael. But you didn't.

"And at first, I thought it was just because you were stubborn and selfish. That you just didn't want to, consequences world be damned. Slowly, I realized you cared about people, more than anything. You raised your brother. Protected him. Did everything that was asked of you and more even when you got nothing for it. You went to hell for him and you didn't expect to get out."

Dean gripped the beer more tightly, his eyes fixed on the table, with a telltale glaze that meant he was elsewhere in that moment. Cas continued.

"I hadn't seen that before. The more I got to know you the more I fell in love with the world and I realized the Angels wanted to destroy it. I knew I couldn't let that happen.

"When I stood by you during the Apocalypse, I felt human Dean. What scared me more than that was I realized that I didn't want to stop feeling that way, ever. So, I ran away from that and from you. And then when I came back you taught me that people forgive that you can be angry with people and still love them.

"Then we started fighting things together, you taught me how to be a hunter and it was so much fun. You were so good at it. It was wonderful to watch you and your brother work and I started to get good at it too. I felt alive.

"And somewhere in there I woke up one morning and I realized that I was in love with people, with the world, because I was in love with you. You were there right beside me. You cared for me. You wanted me to be there.

"The thought of losing that? Of losing you? I would have died a thousand times over to prevent that. The happiness I felt in that moment, it was because I knew, I could make you see yourself how I see you, and I wouldn't have to watch you walk away.

"I love you Dean and I'm sorry, because I know, that's the one thing you'll never forgive me for."

As Cas finished, he looked back up see Dean frozen. Silence settled between them as Dean began slowly to shake his head. He took a few steps back. His face contorted in the same horror and shock as when he'd seen Cas the first time for what he was, a creature which was incomprehensible and beyond his control.

He paused for a moment opening and closing his mouth before he grabbed a chair at the end of the table and sat back down. His eyes swept the table and he clenched and unclenched his fists a couple times before breaking the silence.

"That wasn't your call to make." His voice shook slightly, and he didn't dare look up. "Not now. Not here. Not again. You don't just get to decide how I should feel about it."

"How do you feel about it Dean?" Cas asked. "How do you feel about me?" The words slipped out and hung in the air before he could stop them. Dean looked up his face frozen in an expression of terror.

"I'm angry Cas, and maybe I shouldn't be but I am." His voice began to crack as he continued, his anger spilling out of him in waves, as he desperately tried to cover for what Cas could clearly see, hurt and betrayal.

"You left me there Cas! You decided that 'wanting' was the best you could do. You decided to not stick around. And then you left me there picking up the pieces!" He shouted. "You want to talk about closure? When do I get closure? I'm in Heaven and every morning I wake up and I feel like I'm dying all over again." Cas reached out instinctually to comfort him, but he was at the other end of the table. Dean flinched anyways. After a moment though he looked up at Cas.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't— I'm glad to see you and I don't want to drive you away. I just—you said you saw something more in me than just anger and hate. That I wasn't just a killing machine, but, Sammy, Bobby, Joe, Rufus, you, you've all been able to move on. To find something here to make peace and I should be too but I'm not.

"This is supposed to be paradise but I'm so angry all the time. And maybe you're right maybe there is something else in me, but if there is I can't find it. It's all just anger and…" he trailed off gesturing absently to the air, "I don't know… I don't know." He laughed dryly at a joke that only he saw.

"More than anything, I'm tied Cas. I'm just tired. And there isn't any cure for that." Cas stared back at him unsure what to say. Dean seemed reluctant to end the silence so finally Cas spoke.

"What is it you want from me?" He asked. It was the question he had been trying to ask this entire time. The question that he had left hanging when the Empty swallowed him. It crowded out the air in the cabin and lay heavy on both their heads as they stared at one another. Dean shrugged and then sighed, looking down at his lap. Cas prepared himself to leave.

"I want to know that you won't walk out that door the minute I turn my back on you. I want to know that after all this, you're still my friend and I can trust you. But Cas, there are things here, things you and the rest of Heaven don't know about, reasons I can't be at peace. There's something wrong with me. Something deep in me. And whatever you think I'll be able to provide…" Dean looked up at Cas, imploringly as he trailed off and Cas registered how truly tired he looked.

He didn't think twice before answering.

"I'll do it. Whatever you need. I'll do it." He paused and smiled grimly, "We'll find a way out of this. We always do."