Welcome to my review of fanfictions on this server. Today we are checking out the only story where the solution to the apocalypse is child labor. Watch as our protagonist claps, slaps and grabs the hearts of friends and enemies alike to slowly take over the world and decimate the monster population. This is a totally accurate summary of Shield Kid's bizarre adventure!
CHAPTER 1
In the first chapter we get introduced to a child to lure in all the discord mods. We get to see him talk with his friends, a concept I am not familiar with, about very cultured reading material. But Naofumi is about to make his biggest mistake. Reading a real book. This clearly angered the gods, as he was immediately dragged to the center of Ohio with three other dudes with a shield superglued to his arm.
Naofumi is pretty happy about this, as he no longer has to listen to the history of old men fighting… for about 3 seconds.
We get introduced to retired Gandalf, who makes the 4 heroes socialize. Our other three protagonists are discount Kirito, the fluffy sushi, and man with a stick. Don't worry about the stick or sushi guy, they barely show up in this chapter.
Aultcray proceeds to give them a history lesson and bribes them with money and food, which is more than most companies do nowadays, all so that he can have some cheap child labor, which Naofumi is totally on board with and will remember for later.
CHAPTER 2
As Naofumi is left in a prison of pillows, the heroes discuss politics and money as they discover that the multiverse is infinite, and that there is probably one where Ai doesn't get stabbed.
While the heroes check their weapons, Naofumi proceeds to steal everyone's pillows and sacrifice them to the shield for the best pillow in all of the world. While he's at it, the heroes teach Naofumi valuable skills like upgrade methods and shield theft.
After the other 3 heroes have a very intense fighting match over game mechanics, the morning comes, where Naofumi shows off his child intuition that he gains via plot armor. The king summons some party members to help the heroes, but Naofumi gets the dodgeball treatment. So instead he proceeds to steal the king's heart and utilize the weapon of max attraction. Cuteness. It is so effective that Aultcray gets up from his chair for the first time in centuries, and touches grass.
With the power of the king on his side, Naofumi proceeds to go to a weapons shop and partake in arguably the best hobby in any game. Littering.
CHAPTER 3
In this chapter we witness Naofumi's bloodthirst as he decimates the stickfigure dragons. Tired of battles, he becomes a pokemon trainer and catches lots of balloons. Unfortunately his pets are up against bald guy.
Bald guy used hammer.
It was super effective.
In this chapter we are introduced to Malty, who accuses a guy of several war crimes. But Naofumi used the power of child to help the man avoid death and get closer with the king,
CHAPTER 4
This next chapter is brought to you by Dora the Explorer as Naofumi finds the drugstore and is employed as free child labor to get more plants of questionable legality. The child finds a bug in the game, allowing him to buff the quality of plants and exploit the villagers for more emeralds.
As the night falls, a band of furries try to kidnap Naofumi, only to realize that he is a child. The fear of getting canceled forced them to retreat for now.
Some time passes, and Naofumi remembers the king's opinion on child labor, so he decides to get his own child army. He obtains a girl named Raphtalia, and he pays her in healing smoothies.
CHAPTER 5
More smoll raphtalia moments
CHAPTER 6
As the story progresses, Naofumi introduces Raphtalia to the wonderful world of bloodshed as well as a game of dodgeball, slowly turning Raphtalia into an average American school child. As she helps him level up, he changes his payment plan from bitter smoothies to headpats.
As they play, the author utilizes the crossover tab and they meet one of the best characters from my favorite cartoon. The cabbage man. Aultcray sees this and proceeds to partake in causing property damage as well as assault.
Now we get to one of the best segments, and that being the game of dodgeball. Aultcray takes the ball from the young kids and throws the ball so hard that Naofumi gains a special shield of brain damage.
Unfortunately the shield hero's beatdown must come to an end as the advisors pull him back into figuring out how to bring more children to the wave. Fortunately, Naofumi's shield is all for child labor and hands the advisors the magic of convenience. Now even more children can be used.
CHAPTER 7
With the lack of child labor now solved, Aultcray decides to make Naofumi absolutely cracked at magic by making him do something that brought him here in the first place. Read a book. Fortunately, the gods of this world are not angered by Naofumi's reading.
With the power of illusion magic, Raphtalia learns to hide herself from creepy people and avoid the IRS.
Motoyasu comes to free Naofumi from the evil books, but the books drag the hero into the library and refuse to let him go.
Now comes to Malty and in jealousy makes Raphtalia cry. This angers everyone within a 999 mile radius and the gods so much that all the guardian beasts would have awakened to slap some sense into this woman. Unfortunately, Aultcray managed to make her apologize before the gods descended and she was catapulted out of the castle.
As all distractions leave the castle, Naofumi is left with his arch nemesis. Books.
A while later Bald guy finds out that at level 50 Naofumi can teleport people around, so he proceeds to depopulate the nearby forest of its native inhabitants for the sake of levels. Even PETA can't get in between this man and teleportation.
While he's out there speedrunning Undertale, Naofumi and Raphtalia are faced with a killer bunny from minecraft. Unlike minecraft, it bleeds, giving Raphtalia her first taste of real blood and awakening something inside of her. I'm sure this won't backfire later.
CHAPTER 8
As the kids arrive to Lute, Bald guy makes plans to fight PETA, despite the protests from the children. While he's busy making money, a church person quickly distracts Raphtalia and Naofumi, and sends the two children to the mines like the good old days. They must learn early.
Naofumi uses this as an opportunity to play minecraft, with the shield giving him haste 3 and getting all the diamonds. Unfortunately, these diamonds were guarded by a 1/3 decapitated cerberus. Unlike a wither, he couldn't shoot skulls, but can instead bite and claw his way into Naofumi's armor.
But Naofumi is a gamer, so he uses his inner grinding skills to slap the monster with a giant RGB shield. After Raphtalia gives the dog about 28 stab wounds, she is now labeled as the enemy of the PETA organization. But that doesn't matter as all things are made better with the power of headpats and hugs.
CHAPTER 9
Now equipped with the power of two headed god -I mean dog- , our hero obtained the ability to imprison his enemies and force them to watch Morgz videos on loop. An attack worse than death. Please Naofumi, let me out of this prison, I have been writing this script for the past 22 hours and Morgz screaming has ruptured my ea-
Anyways, Raphtalia, now over her fear of dogs, has fully embraced their violent tendencies, and now has the power to tear monsters in half with her bare hands. She is 100% ready to square up with the entire PETA organization.
As the group comes back to register at the wave, Aultcray finds the priest who took his child laborers and chucked a soul shredder at him, blending his soul into a smoothie. It does in fact blend.
The heroes reunited at the giant hourglass to register all the children for free child labor, as well as give Malty a headache. We see Malty become a woodpecker as she goes to war with all the pillars of Melromarc. Fortunately, it seems like the pillars are winning.
CHAPTER 10
The wave is about to start, so Bald guy drags the kids out of bed and chucks them at the other heroes. With the wave starting, everyone registered begins to glow. Aultcray uses his good looks and laws to get a quick teleport out of the castle, leaving his advisors in the dust.
The wave finally starts and Aultcray throws the kids into the giant cave - I mean wave, and they are forced to defend the village of nice people against the evil forces of PETA. That's right, they are behind this whole wave operation. That is cannon, no need to check my source.
The boss of the wave is Garfield. He ran out of lasagna and has come to make more out of your body. He walks up to the village and Naofumi tries to tame it, however he ran out of pokeballs catching Raphtalia, so the only other solution is murder. If you can't catch it, no one will.
CHAPTER 11
Now that Garfield is dead, everyone in the world can finally enjoy some lasagna. However Idol Chungus comes to ruin the party with the power of bdsm and ptsd. Unfortunately for him, Aultcray is cracked, and proceeds to whoop his ass to discord modding, or at least the dungeons, where he would be forced to watch Morgz videos on loop for at least a month.
With lasagna eaten and chunguses yeeten, we move onto one of the best games of dodgeballs ever, even topping the time Aultcray gave Naofumi brain damage. Turns out Naofumi is really good at playing with balls. And he has a lot of them. Like a lot a lot.
So anyways, Naofumi, armed with the hammer of thor, and the ability to summon walls out of thin air, proceeds to decimate the other 3 heroes and their entire parties.
As this is happening, Aultcrays wife has received so many good news she wasn't ready for that her brain had fried and she started to doubt her own sanity.
CHAPTER 12
After adopting Naofumi and Raphtalia, Aultcray now has the power to receive infinite child labor for the next 8 years. However, the kids have other plans, as they start prank wars with anyone within a 20 mile radius of them.
To put an end to the war, Aultcray eggs the children until a birb hatches. Naofumi uses his shield to hack the game and turn his birb Amber into a kaiju. Together with Ren and Motoyasu they buckle up and go on a bro trip to teach a dragon about the benefits of child labor.
CHAPTER 13
Gaelion the Dragon is interested in this and so he hands over his teenage daughter Wyndia to Ren. It's not exactly a decade of child labor, but they should still get around 2 years out of her. After witnessing how easily children can be given and taken, the weak old Amber decides to turn into a thicc 10/10 mommy with wings, and Motoyasu is all here for it. And I can't blame him. She is so hot, she gives Malty a heart attack and sends her to the shadow realm for a few more chapters.
They walk over to the tailor to get a proper outfit for Amber, however she grabs the children and drags them to Brazil, spitting their soulless bodies out a few minutes later. This is how the heroes learn that female otaku's do in fact exist. Unfortunately, they also learn that female otakus can be crazier than all of them combined.
To properly outfit Amber, they must venture deep into the caves of lore and find the sugar crystals to bring back to this lady so that she can continue her sugar rush for another 3 weeks and make at least 99 more dresses.
CHAPTER 14
And to get said crystals they decide to wake up another big cat, named Darfield. This cat is the younger brother of Garfield, and he hates two things, children and loud noises. Unfortunately for him, Naofumi is bringing both.
CHAPTER 15
Unfortunately, the big cat has to wait as we must first bully the cabbage man again, followed by a deep dive into an acid trip. While others are crying or contemplating life, Ren has fully embraced himself and finally doesn't have to pretend to know what he's doing, like me writing this skit. Unfortunately, Ren's trip lasts about 4 seconds. You see, he forgot to feed his dog girl waifu Wyndia so she resorted to eating all the acid, forcing everyone else to become sober.
Amber and Motoyasu have a heart warming moment, Motoytasu discovers his seed that can fill a woman for 9 months or more. Unfortunately, that seed has a tentacle fetish, so Naofumi has to make it a man of culture with brute force.
But while he is bullying the seed into submission, Motoyasu sprays the big cat with some water. And apparently it was female as it melted instantly, just like the Wizard of Oz told me.
Meanwhile, Aultcray and the Furry Council are attacked by the pope of 3 heroes with a powerful spell. Aultcray finally gets cracked and equips the legendary stick. It is not as big as Motoyasu's, but he quickly shows that the size doesn't matter, but how you use it does.
Pope: But how did you survive the Judgment spell?
Aultcray: Do not speak ancient text to me, I was the one who wrote them!
With the judgment spell being turned into a laser pointer, Aultcray awakens his inner Eminem and speedruns Friday Night Funking on hardmode, sending the pope to the shadow dimension. At such a display of power his wife proceeds to get wet, from the thunderstorm he cast I assure you, and drag her husband to the bedroom. Enough measuring, time for the taste test. In the words of the great Author "Big PP powers go brrrrrrrrrrr!"
CHAPTER 16
Amber finally gets proper 'attire' and shows off her assets to Motoyasu. Motoyasu's internal organs quickly familiarize his head with Newton's third law, as he is sent barrelling into another dimension.
The queen has arrived to get acquainted with the two new children in her family, before revealing her otaku side when she saw Amber. I'm sure the two dommy mommies will get along well. Meanwhile, Raphtalia and Naofumi decide to cause chaos, so they drag their new sister Melty with them to the Gulag, where they proceed to cause a bar fight, and obtain the plot. Just like with Raphtalia, Naofumi introduces Melty to the wonderful world of chaos and bloodshed, and she is 100% all for it.
CHAPTER 17
Unfortunately, murder would have to wait, as the children must first get lost and walk around aimlessly for a while. But to advance the plot, the authors spawn two very sussy bakas, who lead our heroes straight to the base, where the children commit several acts of murder. The juggernaut shows up, but Naofumi is jacked, so he picks him up like an empty soda can and throws him into the sun.
While that is happening, Ren goes into heat and slams Wyndia straight into a romcom so hard that she gains a concussion. Thankfully this helps offset her coming acid trip from all the acid she ate like 2 chapters ago.
CHAPTER 18
Now armed with a princess, team kindergarten proceed to show Melty the genocide run in undertale. Meanwhile, one of Itsuki's team members had a heart attack and died. That left a gaping hole in his heart, which he filled with batman comics and crack.
While the heroes are taking care of the waves, the queen dragged Naofumi and Raphtalia to a hell of which she was the ruler, the library. Unfortunately, Naofumi is unable to reverse isekai himself out of this hell and is forced to endure the endless onslaught of books and learning.
But anyhow, another wave starts and the heroes go into the aquarium to fight my pet goldfish Terry that I forgot to feed in third grade. Now Terry was exposed to twitter, giving him the ability to spit toxic balls as well as screech at people. Unfortunately for him, all the heroes are cracked and proceed to fold it in half twice.
However, this pisses off a woman, and she decides to find Naofumi's manager. Little does she know that he is the manager, so she is sent packing back to her world.
CHAPTER 19
After Karen is booted from the supermarket by an unpaid child, the group decides to travel the country to finally obtain the holy grail of all foods. Chicken nuggets. Unfortunately, Itsuki doesn't partake in the activities, destroying his social credit score. Luckily, his soon to be waifu Risha the Fueesha is able to salvage a small portion of it and save him from disappointing his parents.
But to save the bow hero, all the heroes teach Aultcray how to make his staff even more cracked, and he teaches them how to crank up their magic to 11.
As for Wyndia, the crack she ate is finally kicking in. She goes on a date with Ren through the city of Furries to check out all the furry conventions.
While wholesomely stroking Raphtalia's tail, Naofumi discovers the shield of the furries, and manages to turn Raphtalia into big chungus. With the power of Furries and Knives, Naofumi has no idea what he has just unleashed onto the world.
CHAPTER 20
While Naofumi summons chaos, Ren proceeds to go to a territory that no otaku has ever explored. Talking to a girl. The two proceed to go to a food stall where Wyndia devours many kinds of meat, before going home and devouring Ren's meat as well. The boy was never the same after that. Finally, a gamer who got the impossible achievement of "Getting B*tches".
Speaking of b*tches, Naofumi uses Raphtalia to terrorize the local cabbage merchant for the third time, to make sure his business doesn't get too advanced. He knows that if too many parents buy cabbages, the chicken nugget business will flop, and to prevent that from happening the two indulge in property damage and several cases of assault.
As for Motoyasu and Amber, a giant birb has come to challenge them, but upon seeing Motoyasu showing off his dual spear wielding skills to Amber, decides to run off into the sunset, never to be seen again.
During this chapter we also get introduced to Naofumi's evil twin, Naofumii, however, upon my discovery, the author was quick to correct the man.
CHAPTER 21
Welcome to the boat. In this riveting chapter we get to see a dying hero 3 times, as well as 3 aliens who come from another world. Trust me, it makes sense later… probably. Anyhow, Naofumi cures two of the heroes before enjoying more tail stroking and drifting off to sleep, while Motoyasu continues to spit his guts out for a while longer, giving the ship a brand new puke green paint job for free.
CHAPTER 22
Finally, the beach episode. Here we learn that Ren is a bottom and Itsuki has brain damage, as he is able to AI generate his waifu in a towel at will, or against it. While Naofumi learns a spell that can make others cracked, Itsuki becomes Rage and slaps the crack out of his hands for fun, accidentally summoning a beast known as Granny from the horror game known as Granny. Granny grabs Itsuki and his waifu and drags them to Russia for some training.
With the power of crack on her side, Raphtalia goes to Cal mira to track down PETA and beat up their dogs. Hopefully they don't summon John Wick or no amount of crack will save Naofumi.
As they fall asleep and head back, Glass the lass from the goldfish wave is revealed to be a yandere as she slaughters any competition she has for Naofumi's heart. After all, Naofumi had stolen her heart, so she must rip out the hearts of others before Naofumi can add them to his collection.
Meanwhile, Motoyasu and Amber proceed to bring their Ritsuki fanfiction to life as they bring the two uncomfortably close together with no chance to escape.
CHAPTER 23
Ritsuki proceed to oversleep and miss their training, so Granny comes to drag them to her house for some correction. The others see how cracked the Granny is and decide that the wisest form of action is to leave the two to their fates and figure out how to save the world with only 3 heroes as they go piss of PETA even more.
Speaking of grinding, everyone in the hero's party is cracked. They are so cracked in fact, that Naofumi ends up doing more crack out of sheer boredom. With the power of Thor and Crack, Bald guy proceeds to give PETA headquarters a visit and give them a free remodeling service.
The whole party is so cracked, that Raphtalia's weapon is now the equivalent of a blade of grass, meaning it's only effective against gamers. Naofumi uses the flesh of his enemies to make her a strong sword that she instantly puts to use against the still living relatives of the slain enemies.
We see Farmer Boi the Larcinator and his rock girlfriend appear on scene with Glass the YandereLass, who just finished stabbing John Wick from going after Naofumi for the dogocide. However, Naofumi has a memory worse than mine and doesn't recognize her, and neither does anyone else because of the power of haircuts. They are really effective.
And now we move onto another dodgeball scene where Larc's girlfriend proceeds to end their future bloodline with balls.
CHAPTER 24
Naofumi uses the Driffa Crack X spell on Glass, and she proceeds to cause lots of property damage and amass a body count that would put Bald buy's rampages to shame. Naofumi uses this on Amber to get away from the stalker ninja shadow his mommy queen pinned onto him, however the shadow proceeds to… uh… become Jesus and run on water… no I'm serious, I know the rest is made up but that's actua-
Now, equipped with the power of melting into shadows, being creepy, and ascending, the shadow proceeds to vandalize the cabbage merchant for the fourth time in this fanfiction. Look, if I had a nickel for every time he got bullied, I'd have four nickels. Which isn't enough to get me anything other than breaking my kneecaps in my pockets.
With grinding now out of the way, and the heroes all in the 80-90s, they are absolutely jacked and can send their enemies flying to space with just raw strength alone.
CHAPTER 25
With almost 100 levels under their belt, Amber proceeds to throw the Shadow in an oven, while Ren causes lots of property damage by summoning the power of Poseidon to show off to Naofumi. We also find out that Ren and Wyndia have been eating each other's meat before Ren chucks her into the water. Don't worry, she's already wet 24/7 around him anyways.
Motoyasu proceeds to introduce Larc to booba physics through a game of volleyball. However the game quickly turns into human battleship as everyone tries not to die. The game ended when Itsuki proceeded to find Granny's secret stash of crack and nuke Larc's face, turning him into a tier 3 subscriber to Therese's twitch stream.
As the game ends, the shield spirit, which is now a cute anime waifu, tries to explain to Naofumi the meaning of sex, but Bald guy teleports into the spirit realm and remakes the slap meme on loop. That's right, even death won't save PETA from this man, he's coming for their souls next.
CHAPTER 26
While the shadow devours the souls of the sinners, no seriously, Naofumi proceeds to devour ten megatons of alcohol like cherries and scare away Satan.
As they leave the now abandoned pub, Naofumi reveals that the disguise power of haircuts is mid, and cannot fool him. So they talk about loneliness, and Naofumi informs Glass of the power of tail floofing and its effects of curing depression.
The two female party members in Ren's party try to eat the other two male party members, while it is revealed that Ren did not have protection for his second sword, and neither him or Wyndia mind this fact one bit. Meanwhile Larc and Motoyasu proceed to get wasted and cry due to losing social credit in Naofumi's eyes. Itsuki and Risha finally do the deed as the spirit of Granny looms outside their room.
As the heroes left the islands of Cal Mira, Itsuki used a rogue arrow to nuke the underwater base of PETA out of spite. PETA isn't safe anywhere, I say!
CHAPTER 27
A new threat approaches and his name is Taco. Taco comes in on his giant airship to acquire Aultcrays secret stash of crack, but first the two have a d*ck measuring contest, where Aultcray proves that it's the technique and not the size that matters.
As the contest finally ends, Aultcray and Taco decide to talk in private about the soul sucking worms and what else they can suck.
Now we get a flashback where Naoumi uses the power of child to steal Nelshen's heart, turning her into a sussy imposter. Nelshen vents to Aultcray and Mirela to give them the LORE. Using the LORE, Aultcray makes plans to whip and nae nae Taco Bell so hard that it will make his toilet explosion seem like clown college.
After Saucing Taco so hard his legs turned to spaghetti, Aultcray pulls out crack so pure that Walter White would be proud, and drops a f*cking nuke on Taco Bell, decimating his toilets for good.
WIth the power of his gamer blood, Naofumi teaches Aultcray how to crank nineties. With this newfound power Aultcray proceeds to equip the gay staff and make the ashes of Taco taste the rainbow in 4k. Then the two proceed to use outdated emotes to turn the ashes to ashes. Should have thought twice before existing.
After throwing Taco's soul in a blender and turning it into a smoothie, the weapons, now free from being Taco Bell mascots, give Aultcray their stash of crack.
Meanie saw the whole thing but Aultcray completely misinterprets her malice and gives her headpats as a reward, giving her an existential crisis.
As Aultcray proceeds to grind up some levels by decimating Taco Bell employees, we finally see who is behind the waves. PETA turned out to be the one who summoned all the monsters to try and stop animal abuse. They turned this world into a gameshow and their sponsor is none other than the cabbage merchant who wanted to use the waves as a giant advertisement for his cabbages. Unfortunately the wild cabbage monsters idea was scrapped and he had to settle for a few cameos.
PETA saw that with the appearance of KidFumi and his usage of Liberation Cuteness X has stolen the hearts of their viewers, meaning that they have to keep him alive in order to keep their ratings at maximum power or else they risk losing all of their subscribers and ad revenue. But with Aultcray nuking their Taco Bell's and Itsuki nuking their pet shelters, they are running out of antagonists to throw at the heroes to keep the action going. What will they do next time? Find out on the next episode of dragon ball Z!
CHAPTER 28
Oh boi, we're back again! The kids, the vasal heroes, and the soul eating shadow have returned to Melromarc in the warm embraces of their father who just finished grilling Taco's. Meanwhile Raphtalia joins Momellia for a quick lesson of spinjitsu.
As everyone catches up on all the events, Motoyasu gets depressed that his angel wife is petting the new dog more than him. Bruno the dog just has that dog in him, that unspoken rizz. Also, we learn that Larc, despite being a tier 3 twitch sub, is actually the king. Bro probably owns twitch in his world.
Aultcray hands over Taco's stash of crack to the other hero which buffs up the pillow shields floofiness to stupid levels of floof, making it the floofiest thing in all of the lands. And with the power of the dragon loli Tacobell had as its other mascot, the 100 level limit is now launched into orbit, meaning the hero companions can become as cracked as they want. Looks fearfully at the teleporting Granny and the PETA destroying Erhard.
After obtaining the crack stash, the heroes go to Lurolona, where Motoyasu is treated as Bruno's chew toy, while Itsuki and Fueesha use said crack to turn invisible and run away from Grannie. Unfortunately, Granny has more hax than all the heroes combined and starts dragging them back to Ohio.
We get introduced to several new characters in this chapter, including thicc titty Orca Sadeena, the most feared predator of the seas of Melromarc. And through the power of crack and PETA remains, Naofumi has obtained the ability to make himself and others breathe underwater. Reject human, return to fish.
Together with this new power the gang tracks down the other underwater PETA base and throws a toaster at it.
[Sadeena used a toaster]
[It was super effective]
[PETA was defeated]
With another PETA base destroyed, Flooftalia, Melted Ice Cube, Bird waifu, and Soul Devourer Shadow have all obtained level 100, raising their crack levels so high that stats lose any meaning.
Erhard, angry that he wasn't invited, uses the most powerful attack that ignores all defense against Naofumi.
Tickling.
It is so effective that Raphtalia decides to join him and uh… develop a foot fetish.
With that out of the way, meet the new members of the cast our favorite thicc orca brought with her!
The sowing girl! With her static voice and needles she has become the superior plush supplier.
Panda express! She does same day shipping to god.
Tiger Boy and Blind Girl! With the power of blindness, Alta beats up her brother more than this fic beats up my heart with cuteness.
Finally, we get introduced to the biggest bookworm with a cheat power being a search engine, Kyo. Let's hope he was given google chrome and not internet explorer. Kyo has to finish a project that is usually done in a week in only a day, just like real life. And just like real life, his bosses suck. Man, this guy got reincarnated from a 9-5 only to be stuck in another 9-5 with a bigger gun to his head.
Anyhow, using the power of science and the knowledge of biology, Kyo uses the mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell, to power the lights inside of the tortoise shell. Now will Kyo be able to make the giant YES-ton tortoise walk before the end of today? Or will his boss fire him on the spot? Who knows!
Anyhow, the chapter is over and Allen decided to indulge us in some fine lore and methods. Below that is the shoutout to the B*tchless Hero written by Javetts, the only gun hero fic without blank slate levels of crack called Locked and Loaded in another world, and the… holy sh*t it's the deep fried story of the cooking hero! I HAVE PEAKED!
Omake 1
"Protecc" Atla says, as she hugs Naofumi and Raphtalia.
"Atla? What are you doing? Fohl asks.
"Protecc." "Pr-te-c." Keel and Syne join in.
"No, seriously, what's going on?" Folh continues to question, looking around in confusion.
"Protecc," Momelia, Aultcray, Erhard, Ren, Gaelion begin to morph into the pile of Protecc around Naofumi and Raphtalia. As the pile grows, Fohl is dragged deeper and deeper into the pile of Protecc.
"HEY! LET ME GOOO!"
"Protecc. Protecc. Protecc. Protecc. Protecc."
"Let me go!" Folh continues to scream as he is slowly dragged into the pile of Protecc. He must join the hive mind and Protecc or face the wrath of the entire cast.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Omake 2
Naofumi has commissioned Syne to make him a large live sized plush of Raphtalia, but while he was asleep, the original grabbed it and threw it into orbit, whipping it from existence.
CHAPTER 29
After Gaelion Baned the level 100 limit, as well as given the blessing in order to cast Crack Aura X and All Crack Nuke XXX, Naofumi is sent back to school. Thankfully the quiet kid has arrived in the form of a bat to introduce people to the second amendment.
Naofumi absorbs the bat and asks the shield what it is supposed to be.
Shield-Chan: I forgor
Naofumi: Bru
The lessons get canceled and the kids escape school to see the monsters terrorizing a local cabbage merchant. Man, even monsters hate his business.
As the monsters approach, Syne portals in and proceeds to use big balls to introduce monsters to BDSM, before unlocking the 'getting set on fire' kink within them.
Naofumi gives the soldiers All Crack X and watches as they decimate the monsters with ease. They also accidentally decimated a couple of boomers that were just sitting around, giving Naofumi the boomer shield, which now allows him to trash talk the younger generation.
Seeing this display of power some of the monsters just gave up and decided to vibe with nature. Except the ones beating up the cabbage merchant's cabbages, but he deserves it so no one cares.
After quickly decimating the most violent monsters, the heroes leave the other 70% of them as they are continuously targeting the merchandise of the cabbage merchant (this is an actual plot point, I swear).
As Nafofumi recreated the "Avengers Assembled" at the feet of the sleeping Spirit Tortoise, the tortoise's giant Iphone alarm clock went off. As the sweet trauma inducing sound of missed responsibilities and the sleepless nights flashbacks.
The tortoise wakes up but Naofumi has a plan. He walks up to it and… smacks it with a pillow shield, putting it back to sleep. No, I'm serious. This is actually the plo-
Kyo the unpaid intern pops out of the tortoise and introduces Naofumi to the entire library of curse words before everyone begins to stomp him half to death.
At the party Raphtalia uses the curse words that were taught to her by Idol from like 25+ chapters ago. Aultcray, Ren, Itsuki, Motoyasu and Larc proceed to make an atomic generator and incinerate the skinny pig before going in for the second attack and incinerating his ashes, before doing it again and incinerating his ashes of ashes.
While that was happening, a panicking Shield-Chan made 999 bars of soap to fill up Naofumi's monster drop inventory in an attempt to wash out the curse words from his and Raphtalia's mouth by force.
Chapter 30
The gang return from their adventure only to find that the boomer yetties stopped beating up cabbages and began to speedrun evolution and acquire hardware with the energy of an average 5 year old. Armed with a hammer and wrench from Home Depot, these beasts are now rebuilding the capital… for some reason. Did I forget to mention they are riding on lawnmowers? Where are you taking me? Wait, WAIT! THIS IS PART OF THE STORY, I SWEAR! ALLEN HELP! THEY ARE TAKING ME TO THE ASYLUM! AAAAALLEEEEEEEEN!
Kyo wakes up to find himself in Aultcrays BDSM dungeon for interrogation. Aultcray proceeds to use his 200 iq plays and get answers from Kyo without him talking to find out that the Discord mods are behind the waves and the sweaty Taco bell mascots. As he arms himself with said knowledge, a group of said discord mods plops down from the sky, almost recreating the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. Unfortunately, they land on grass, and their power is nerfed by yes, forcing them to surrender. Aultcray uses this moment and 200+ iq to quickly snatch the crack they stole from Naofumi.
Syne stomps over to them and proceeds to throw and entire COD lobby chatlog at them. As she finishes, Kyo makes a stunning revelation. The Soul Implosion skill was also nerfed, allowing him to spill gallons of tea about the discord mods. This angers one of the gods as not-Kaiser pulls out a not-one shot one thousand kills rifle and attempts to 1080 no scope Kyo. Unfortunately, he slips on his sweat and lotion and implodes. No amount of gaming chairs could solve his skill issue.
With one discord mod down, and their stream chat angy af, Kyo proceeds to give us THE LOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEEE, turning the stream into an average book theory episode.
As Kyo recreates the annoying pigeon meme, one of the mods mention Kizuna, Glass' girlfriend, prompting the ghost woman to equip a fan of angy and nearly incinerate the world. The stream watching the discord mods starts tweeting #freethefisher, earning over 113283 signatures on the petitions and becoming the most trending tag on discord, second only to #Kizass.
Freeing Kizuna was actually super easy, barely an inconvenience. The Dicord mods open up a nether portal using the speedrun strats on top of Glass' angy flames and their sweat, pulling the fishing hero out of the phantom zone.
As the mods are about to take Kyo back to their basement, Naofumi finds out that Kyo can fix McDonalds broken ice cream machine, and so he adds him to his collection. Kizuna uses this chance to unsubscribe Kyo to his Soul Implosion service, saving him both arms and both legs on the fees.
As the discord mod "Sundrop37" is about to leave, Fitoria kicks him in the knee so hard she turns him into a family guy episode. "I was an adventurer like you too, until I took a kick to the knee."
Oh yeah, and Naofumi gets a pet T-rex… I'm not sure what's going on anymore.
Epilogue
10 years passed. Current place, the coronation of Naofumi and Raphtalia.
What a journey right? 30 chapters of recaps, so much craziness, crack left and right, memes and jokes. But now this adventure of the child Naofumi must come to an end. He has grown up, became 20, got laid by Raphtalia, and became the new king and queen of Melromarc. Mirella and Aultcray went to have all the fun, still helping every now and then. Itsuki and Risha got together, bonding over the pulverization of JoJo Grandma who kidnapped their kids every now and then (and may or may not be an immortal vampire, honestly don't know anymore).
Ren and Wyndia began to multiply so fast, that rabbits envy their speed. Despite this, she has still not dried up in the slightest and is ready to go for another few rounds. Let us hope she doesn't drown Ren, though at this rate it very well may happen. Dadleion has evolved from a horny lizard into the best evolution possible, a doggo lizard, making him the second best non-human character in this story.
Larc has finally ended his only fans addiction and touched a real woman for the first time in his life. Unfortunately, that is as far as he gets as he recently messed up in accessory crafting so bad that his hands and other more important parts imploded.
That is a joke, he has obtained the best jewel, Theresa, who loves him dearly. Even if he makes stages implode by dancing so bad that the default dance no longer seems cringe.
He is not the only cringe dancer in the crowd however, as Aultcray and Mirelia proceed to emote on the dance floor, scarring Melty for life. Speaking of Melty, she now owns a Filolial ranch and almost owns Motoyasu's and Ambers kids. Her husband is…. Javetts? Huh? The biggest Melty simp? Hold on.
*Flips pages*
*Flips pages again*
*Third time's the charm*
Nope, I read it right the first time. While Javett's oc from a world away may not get any bitches, Javett's somehow managed it. I an not even joking, this is part of the pl-
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
"ASYLUM OPEN UP!"
Ah sh*t, how did they track me here?! *Pulls out a portal gun and dips to another dimension* Anyhow…
Original Sound Tra- I mean Ost also has passed by the coronation ceremony, stealing some free food and dropping cryptic clues. She, the birb twins and the tiger twins (Not the Atla and Fohl twins, Folh being married to Keel now), proceed to devour the buffet as they are now on an eternal soul diet.
Thicc mommy orca Sadeena found a guy with high alcohol tolerance, and now constantly goes for a swim in bed. Syne finally got a voice actor that isn't swallowing the mic, allowing her to talk, her sister came by with the milk, only to realize it was expired and leave once again.
Malty has become a good person by accident. She has slipped and fell and accidentally spent some money on a non profit organization. And healed the sick. And fixed shoulders. And the water pipe system. Man, this is almost like how Steven's dad managed to spend that christmas money by accident. Huh.
Godworld discord mods finally left their basement and touched grass, evolving from anime weebs into the protec squad, defending the world of Naofumi and Raphtalia from demonitization, even though their um… fun… is not making it easy.
Motoyasu and Amber spit in the face of god and evolution and obtained kids through the power of science, breaking all rules and becoming the parents of Filo… somehow. No I am 100% serious, this actually ha- NO NOT AGAIN! HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND ME?! I WENT TO ANOTHER CIMENTION! ALLEN HELP! THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE ME AWAY AGAIN! ALLEEEEEEEEEEEEN!
*Robotech275 has been dragged to the asylum*
*2 days later*
*Robotech275 returns from the asylum covered in gunpowder and whitepowder.
"Don't ask. Anyways."
The world is finally at peace, and as this story comes to an end, my story begins. The story of crack and degeneracy, the story of a hero with a flower who gets no bitches, a story of a hero of the second amendment, and many many more. As the final lines of this story ends, I shall let the best character in the entire series give the final words.
"Rafu rafu rafu rafu rafu rafu!" (Thank you for reading Shield Kid's Bizarre Adventure and await Dilligence of the Shield Hero as it finally returns from its long long loooooooong hiatus! And check out the original story of Shield Kid's Bizarre Adventure if you have not done so yet!)
Well said Raph-chan. Well said. Anything to add Shield-Chan?
"JOIN THE CULT OF RAPH-CHAN! NOW!"
And wow, with that the recap of kidfumi has ended. Honestly did not think I would get this far. This whole recap started as a joke as me, Allen, and a couple of people in the MWP discord server were talking in VC. We ended up recapping diligence in the worst way possible and I jokingly tried to retell one of the mwp fics but badly. One thing led to another and I ended up recapping kidfumi, somehow. And I did make a few recaps I will begin to post every now and then. I will start with a part 1 of a fic from the mwp and see how it goes from here. Any requests, feel free to ask in the review section.
In all honesty, this fic was amazing and was an absolute blast to read and recap. It was definitely crack, but the good kind of crack as it makes you laugh in between the wholesome moments in this story. Definitely would recommend giving it a read if you haven't already. Also diligence is finally coming back so that's cool… oh god someone is gonna make me recap diligence, aren't they?