CHAPTER 6

One week later

Monday morning, TAMC:

Doctor Eric Palamo sighed with frustration.

He looked down at the papers in his hands, then back up to the patient sitting in the chair in front of his desk. He'd known this day was coming. He just didn't think it would come this quickly. He sat back in his chair and glared at his patient.

Steve McGarrett was sitting there with a smug expression on his face, like he knew exactly what the doctor was thinking. Ever since Doctor Palamo had met the stubborn Commander, it had been a battle of wills. A battle the latter had consistently won, much to Palamo's disgruntlement.

"You know I said I wouldn't think about clearing you for at least three weeks. It has only been two of those, Commander," Doctor Palamo admonished.

His patient just grinned unapologetically at him.

The doctor sighed again. "Commander—"

"Steve," McGarrett interrupted.

Doctor Palamo glared at Steve. "Steve. This is not something you can just walk off. You were seriously injured and were in a coma. That leaves a mark on the body. A mark that takes time to heal."

"But I feel fine," Steve rebutted.

"I'm sure you do, Steve. Tell me this…how tired were you after the hostage situation? How long did you sleep for afterwards?"

Steve looked down at his lap and didn't answer.

"That's what I thought. Steve, you can't rush this. I know you want to get back to work, but you can't keep pretending that this horrible thing did not happen to you."

To tell the truth, Doctor Palamo wasn't too concerned about his patient's physical recovery. The Commander's body had healed at a remarkable rate. If his performance during the hostage situation was anything to go by, he was well on his way to a full recovery.

No, it was the physiological repercussions that concerned the doctor. The Commander hid it well, but he knew his patient was struggling to come to terms with what happened. Doctor Palamo did not know all the details, but what he had deduced from the discussions with the Five-0 team members, he knew it had to be extremely traumatic.

"Jumping into hostage situations is not the way to go about your recovery. You have nothing to prove to anyone," Doctor Palamo continued.

"Doc, that wasn't my fault," his most annoying patient argued.

"That's not the point," the doctor sighed and studied his patient. "However…I see no physical reason why you can't spend a couple of days a week in the office."

Steve looked at him with an expression of bewilderment. "Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

Doctor Palamo couldn't help the smile that found its way onto his face. "I believe so."

"That's great!" Steve exclaimed as he started to stand from the chair.

"Hold on, Steve," Palamo said, holding up a hand. "There are a few things we still need to discuss."

Steve slumped back into the chair but gave the doctor his full attention.

"I am clearing you for light duties only."

"Doc," the Commander whined.

"You are not ready for active duty, regardless of how good you may feel. You can spend two or three days at the office a week. You need to wear that cast for one more week anyway. You will continue your physical therapy sessions, but I don't see why you can't start some light jogging."

Steve's eyes lit up with excitement. "Really?"

Doctor Palamo nodded. "Yes. But you need to take it slow. Short distances, slow jogging."

"I can do that."

"There's something else."

Steve looked at his doctor apprehensively. "What is it?"

Doctor Palamo took a deep breath. "Have you talked to anyone?"

Steve's face twisted into his infamous aneurism face.

"Danny? Chin? Kono? Anyone?" Palamo asked.

Steve shrugged but didn't answer. A tell-tale sign that the military man had done anything but talk to those he considered family.

"You know that to be cleared for active duty you will need to pass the psych evaluation, right?"

"Yeah," Steve said quietly.

"I'm only saying this because I am concerned about your well being. That includes your mental health."

"I talked about it to Danny," Steve mumbled.

"Good," Doctor Palamo said approvingly. That was more than he expected from the otherwise tight-lipped man.

"But I didn't tell him everything."

"You don't have to. I think it's a good thing that you trust him enough to talk to him."

"I just—," Steve started, but then sighed in frustration.

"Just what?"

"I don't want to burden anyone, especially Danny. He's been there for me every time," Steve paused and then laughed humourlessly. "You know, Danny actually apologised to me. To me. Like it wasn't my fault that the entire team nearly got killed. That Grace was nearly killed. The lengths he went to, what the team did for me…I don't deserve to have people that good in my life."

"That's where you're wrong, Steve. I've seen first hand how your team works. You look out for each other, no matter what. This is one of those 'no matter what' scenarios. If one of them were in your shoes, what would you do? Would you support them, be there for them?"

Steve looked up at him in disbelief. "Of course I would. No question."

"Then why is it so inconceivable for them to do the same for you?"

Steve opened his mouth to answer before realising he didn't have one.

Doctor Palamo smiled knowingly. "You answer that question and you are ready to go back to work. Until then, light duties only. No chasing after suspects or getting actively involved in cases."

Steve reluctantly took the papers from his doctor and stood up without another word. A win in his book.

As his patient placed his hand on the door handle, he added, "Talk to them, your team. Tell them what you told me. Find a way to get passed this…together."

Steve nodded at Doctor Palamo and closed the door behind him. The doctor leaned back in his chair thoughtfully. He wasn't trained as a psychologist, but he firmly believed in a holistic approach to his patient's recovery. That meant healing the mind as well as the body.

He believed the Commander's mind was fractured, much like a bone, and would take some time to heal fully. Steve needed to realise he was not to blame for what had happened and that he had a family unit behind him to support him every step of the way. It was time for the selfless man to look after himself. Only then could he truly heal.

Monday morning, McGarrett residence:

Steve paid the cab fare and watched as the taxi driver pulled away from the curb and vanished around the corner. He trudged up the path towards his house, feeling weary right down to the bone. He'd been genuinely surprised that his doctor had decided to let him go back to work, even if it was only for a few days a week and behind a desk.

He had just climbed the few steps up to the front porch when his phone rang. He had been sure to thank Chin for programming a new one for him with all his old contacts. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID.

Rodger Tillman.

Steve froze.

His old commanding officer and friend was calling him. He recalled his team filling him in on how Rod had assisted them in taking down Nazeef and his network. It was something he never got a chance to thank the man for, given he had left the islands before Steve had recovered from the ordeal.

Yet, somehow, just seeing Tillman's name on the screen in his hand had evoked a feeling of dread and fear in him so strong that he stopped breathing. Just for a moment. He knew it was irrational to allow his feelings to overwhelm him like that, but he couldn't help it.

He wasn't ready to face it.

He knew why Tillman was calling. It was time to relive the horrors from the not so distant past. Surely he was being called in for another inquiry. He'd killed two terrorists and exposed a network of others, many of which had been operating within America itself. That kind of thing did not just go away. The higher-ups would be demanding answers and would certainly be searching for someone to blame. In short, heads were gonna roll!

The phone became silent in his hand and he breathed a sigh of relief. He had dodged the bullet for now. He knew it wasn't sensible to ignore Tillman, but he just couldn't deal with it right now. He needed more time. Time to recalibrate and build his walls back up.

As he placed his keys in the lock, he felt a shiver go down his spine. Steve sighed and turned around. He wondered if this paranoia would ever go away. Instead of easing over time, it had increased dramatically in the last nine months. If he really thought about it, it had been growing ever since Pedro Fuentes decided it was a good idea to threaten Danny's family.

Still, paranoia was not something that just went away. As the old saying went, 'just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you'. Steve felt he had every reason to be suspicious. He had ignored his instincts once before and that led to Nazeef getting the drop on him. It was not something he would ever allow to happen again.

Steve scanned his surroundings, looking for anything out of place. The feeling didn't dissipate the longer he looked. Taking a deep, calming breath, he opened the front door and slipped inside before closing it quietly behind him.

The house looked the same as it always had. It soothed his frazzled mind to return to normality. That was until he smelled something out of place. It was…flowery, but oddly familiar.

"Hey."

Catherine's greeting almost made him jump out of his skin. He turned and saw her coming out of the kitchen with a broad smile on her face. He couldn't help but smile in response. All the tension drained out of him when he saw her.

"How was your appointment?" Catherine asked as she pulled him in for a hug.

"It was great," Steve replied.

Catherine leaned back and looked at him suspiciously. "Really?"

"Really. The doc cleared me for desk duty," Steve said with a smile.

"Is that so?" she said with small frown. "Then why aren't you at the office, annoying Danny?"

Steve laughed. "I figured I'd wait a little longer until I go back. Besides, we only have one more week until you ship out again and I want to spend that time with you."

"Now that's an offer I can't refuse."

"I thought you'd like that," Steve said with a cheeky grin.

"A week to ourselves. What will we do with the time?"

"I'm sure I can think of a few things."

Catherine smiled and leaned in for a kiss, which Steve reciprocated eagerly.

"Not that I don't enjoy the thought of spending every minute of the next week with you, but normally you would be chomping at the bit to go back to work. So why aren't you?" Catherine asked seriously.

Steve sighed. Catherine knew him better than anyone. Even Danny. He should have known she'd pick up on his reluctance to explain.

"The doctor put some things into perspective for me today," Steve explained as he leaned back from her.

"Such as?" Catherine asked.

"Such as…telling you what happened to me while you were gone."

Catherine took his hand and led him outside and down to the Adirondack chairs. They sat down and watched the gentle waves washing over the sand in front of them for a while before Steve began his story.

Just as Danny had done previously, he explained how Qari Nazeef came to find him on the island. How he concocted a complicated plan with Vice Admiral Walker to get to Steve and torture him to get the name of his informant. He told her how Nazeef had used Trevor and Marcus to throw them off and how Officer Carl Rogerson had been targeted and forced to make the bombs designed to take out Fuentes and his team. He recounted how scared he felt, not knowing who he could trust. He described how the team worked to find him and had taken down everyone involved with Nazeef.

"He showed me pictures of the Palace and led me to believe that Danny, Chin and Kono were all dead. He told me it was my fault they were dead…and for a while there, I believed him. Then…he threatened Grace, as though he hadn't already taken enough from her," Steve said bitterly.

Catherine rubbed Steve's arm in a gesture of comfort. Steve gave her a grateful smile.

Steve cleared his throat before continuing. "I remember getting free and somehow getting the drop on Nazeef and Walker. I remember just before I put a bullet in his head, Nazeef asking me why I continued to fight when there was nothing left to fight for. Then I thought about Ari and Grace…and then the team was there and after that, everything's a bit of a blur."

Steve shifted in the chair a little bit as he turned his gaze back to the ocean. "I was in a coma for nineteen days. I remember hearing snippets of conversations, but nothing ever made sense. I kept trying to tell them I could hear them, that I was there. But I couldn't and that…that scared me. I couldn't tell what was real and what was not."

Steve paused and sensed Catherine shift as though wanting to reach out for him, aborting the movement at the last minute. He appreciated that she waited for him to gather the strength to tell her what happened next.

"I remember waking up and seeing Danny, Chin and Kono around me. I remember feeling…happy. Then I realised I was happy to be dead. If I was seeing them, then it meant I had to be dead too. It was like all the pain suddenly went away. I remember thinking I wouldn't have to look Grace in the eyes and tell her I got her father killed. That he died because of me. But then…they kept telling me I was alive and I…I felt like I was actually dying…and I was glad. My chest seized up and all I could think about was Ari and how I'd failed him, failed all of them. I was happy to die."

"Steve…" Catherine said as she gripped his hand tightly with both of hers.

Steve's eyes were full to the brim with tears, but he refused to look at her. "Cath. I told Nazeef about Ari. I-I just couldn't do it anymore. I-I-I gave up and almost got him killed, despite everything I did to prevent that from happening. I couldn't…I didn't…"

His breathing was harsh. He felt Catherine wrap her arms around him as he tried to breathe through the grief that had suddenly bubbled to the surface. After his breathing evened out, he felt her hands on his knees as she crouched down in front of him.

"Steve, look at me," she demanded.

Steve looked down at her, his eyes revealing just how lost and desperate he was.

"You saved Ari. Your team is safe. Nazeef is gone…he can't hurt anyone ever again. I know you know all this already, but you still feel guilty. Why?" Catherine asked.

"How can they work with me after everything that happened?" Steve asked, finally admitting to what was really bothering him. "How can I even look at Grace, knowing I almost got her killed?"

"Is this the real reason you don't want to go back to work yet?" He hated how easily she put the answers together.

Steve shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. I want to, but I can't help wondering if…"

"If what? If they trust you?" Catherine scoffed. "Steve, your team trusts you just as much, if not more, than you trust them. They are your Ohana. I've got news for you, buddy. Family is there to stay, no matter what. Through everything, good and bad," Catherine said with a small smile. "That's just the way it is, so you had better get used to it."

Steve huffed a laugh. "You know, Danny actually apologised to me."

Catherine's eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"Yeah. He was just trying to protect me. He, uh, he went after everyone on the list and got them all. Every last one of them." Steve paused and sighed. "I just don't want anyone to get hurt anymore. All these good people, they've suffered because of me and my past."

"They are suffering more without you, I can promise you that. Pushing them away is not going to help them, or you. Just let them fuss over you like a family should."

Steve nodded and sniffed before rubbing his good hand over his face to scrub away the tears that had leaked from his eyes. He took a deep, shuddering breath and placed his hands on top of hers.

"Thank you. You've always been my anchor, you know?" Steve said sincerely.

"And you are mine," Catherine said, her eyes shining brightly in the morning sun.

"When I was at my lowest point and wishing I was dead, there was a thought that kept me going."

"What was it?"

"I thought about you. About how I never got to say goodbye and how much you'd hate me if I just gave up like that."

"Oh, Steve! I would never hate you."

Steve smiled his first real smile since he had decided to tell Catherine everything. "I know."

He leaned in for a kiss that she deepened. He tried to put as much love as possible into the contact. When she gasped against his lips, he knew she could feel it.

He nearly gave this up. Nearly.

Monday afternoon, unknown location:

It was getting late.

She'd missed another opportunity, but she wasn't that upset about it. It wasn't the right time anyway. She still had more to do. She needed more time to make everything perfect. Then, and only then, would the time be right.

She knew, beyond a doubt, that he'd be happy. She'd make sure of it. Then they'd be happy together…forever. No one would stand in their way ever again.

She placed her watch on the bedside table and watched as the second hand ticked its way towards the twelve. Not much longer and she would have everything she'd ever wanted.

She had to be careful, though. She'd planned everything down to the last detail. Sometimes, good things came to those who waited.

And she'd been waiting a long time.