CHAPTER 12

Wednesday afternoon, HPD gym:

"I told you it was pointless to try."

Words that had been haunting him for weeks, months really, came flooding back as he pounded the bag with everything he had. He knew it was futile; the outlet would only allow him temporary relief at best. The dull pain in his wrist warned him to slow down but he ignored it. Every hit sent a jolt of pain up his arm and he took it as penance for his mistakes. For all the people that had died because of him.

"Just give it up, McGarrett."

There had been a time when giving up was never an option, no matter how bad the circumstances. There was always a solution. Besides, relinquishing control of a situation meant failure. Failure was not something he took lightly. It meant he was weak, incapable.

"You have nothing left, McGarrett. Why do you continue to fight?"

Steve had been asking himself that very same question since Pedro Fuentes threatened the Williams family and more so since Qari Nazeef led him to believe his team was dead. If his actions only ever put the people he loved in danger, why did he bother to try?

"Why don't you save your friend some pain and tell me what I want to know?"

It was vicious circle of pain and despair, leaving everyone involved scarred beyond repair. By protecting one person, someone else had to suffer the consequences. It was inevitable. There was never an easy way out. So why didn't he just let himself die? It would have made life easier, safer, for everyone.

Danny, Chin, Kono, Grace, Rogerson, Ari…the list went on. How many more people had to have their lives turned upside down because of him?

"How can we trust you to be our leader if you don't tell us things that could compromise us?"

Steve grabbed the bag to stop it from swinging before starting a series of jabs and elbow strikes into it. Danny had been right. He should have told the team everything. How could they ever trust him again?

"I can't protect you if I don't know what I'm protecting you from!"

Steve never wanted Danny or his team putting their lives at risk for him again. If they got hurt…he could never forgive himself.

"You're a cop killer…they're all dead by association with you."

Punch! Stinging pain.

"They are all dead because of you."

Punch!

"How many more people do you want to take down with you?"

Punch!

"There is nothing you can do about it except know that it is all your fault."

Punch! Punch! Punch!

"Hey! What did that bag ever do to you, brah?"

He heard the gym door open and smiled at Kono's teasing tone. Steve grabbed the bag and rested his sweaty forehead on it. He took deep, steadying breaths before turning away and grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat from his face and neck. His wrist was throbbing and his legs felt like jelly as he moved to sit on one of the nearby benches.

"Next time you go wandering off on your own, at least have the common decency to let us know you are alive," Kono quipped as she wrapped her hands. "We've been waiting for you for four hours."

Steve scoffed at her. "Four hours? It's only been—" Steve glanced at his watch and smiled sheepishly at Kono. "It has been four hours. Sorry."

"No worries. Danny was ready to have a conniption fit. He was rambling about Neanderthals and phones when I left."

Steve ran his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry I took off like that."

Kono shrugged and gave the bag a light jab. "Hey, it's fine. Just make sure you tell us where you are going next time."

Steve cringed. Last time he left a post-it note with a distress phrase on it. Kono seemed to ignore his sudden awkwardness and continued hitting the bag like he wasn't there. He watched her for a few minutes; the precision of her strikes and roundhouses were spot on.

A moment later, she huffed a sigh. "Are we seriously going to do this again?"

Kono's question caught him off-guard. "What?"

Kono stopped hitting the bag and stood in front of him, arms crossed over her chest. "You, running off and hiding your problems from us?"

Steve looked away from Kono. He hadn't even realised he'd done it. He'd separated himself again, choosing to unleash his frustrations on the heavy bag instead of talking about it like a normal person.

"You know Clarke was way out of line?"

Steve stood and walked passed her to give the bag a good kick. "Maybe. But he didn't say anything that wasn't true."

Kono's hollow laugh had him turning around. "That's bullshit, Steve!"

Steve was spoiling for a fight and he knew it. So did Kono. She was looking at him with a smug grin which just tipped him over the edge.

"Then why did you all almost die today?" Steve yelled. She didn't deserve his ire but she was such an easy target.

Kono took a step forward and jabbed her finger into his chest. "If you think your presence could have stopped Chin and those two HPD officers from getting injured, then you are dead wrong. No one could have guessed the Yakuza would pick that exact moment to exact revenge on the Triads. So get that notion out of your head right now. Besides, this is about more than what happened today. Something else is bugging you."

Steve hated that his team could read him so well. He supposed, after everything, he wasn't as good at hiding it anymore. He sat back down on the bench and started to unwrap his hands. He didn't have to look up to know Kono had sat down beside him.

"How can you still trust me after everything that's happened?" Steve asked the question he'd been wanting to ask for a long time. "After I've put all of your lives in danger?"

Kono's hesitation had him wringing his hands together; a nervous tick he'd never adopted before.

"I've trusted you since the day Chin introduced us on the beach."

"You didn't even know me." How could she know after less than twenty-four hours if she could trust someone?

"No, I didn't. But my gut said otherwise. If I couldn't trust my gut, then what could I trust?"

Steve couldn't disagree with that logic. There had been many times when a simple gut feeling had prevented lives being lost.

"During that first operation, you guys had my back like no one else had in my entire life. Except Chin, of course. That just cemented my belief that I had become a part of a team that I could rely on. Then, when Chin had that bomb around his neck…the lengths you went to in order to save his life?"

"I wouldn't have had to do any of that if Hesse didn't want revenge because I killed his brother!"

"Hesse's actions were his own. You didn't strap that bomb to Chin's neck. You didn't try to get us blown up. Our lives were not put in danger because of you. They were put in danger because we were too damn good at our job. The job we all agreed to do."

Steve opened his mouth to tell her she was wrong but immediately shut it when she glared at him.

"The point I'm trying to make, Steve, is that no matter what happens, I will always be able to trust that you will do the right thing. No matter how bad it gets, you will always be there for us. If it was someone from my past that tried to hurt you, would you blame me? If we didn't trust you, do you think we would still be here, two years later?"

Steve thought about for a moment and found he didn't have an argument.

"See? You're stuck with us whether you like it or not!"

Steve laughed. Kono was a bottle full of optimism and realism.

"Just promise me one thing?" Kono asked in a tone that had Steve refocusing his attention.

Steve turned to look at her. "What's that?"

"Never try to leave us to keep us safe. Never push us away again."

Steve looked back down at his hands. They were shaking; whether from fatigue or the adrenaline dump, he didn't know. He looked back at Kono with a small smile. "I promise I'll try."

"Good," Kono said as she leaned on his shoulder to stand up. "Because I don't think I could handle another one of Danny's rants. That guy can really talk."

Friday morning, temporary Five-o offices:

Two days later, Chin hobbled through the HPD parking lot on his crutches. He'd quickly gotten bored of sitting on his couch watching the shopping channel and decided it was time to get back to work even if it was just behind the desk until he was cleared for duty. Anything to escape the never-ending slew of overly perky people trying to sell him things he would never use.

He passed Danny's Camaro parked in its usual spot and the loaner SUV the Governor had allowed Steve to commandeer. He was about to continue on when something caught his eye. He turned and looked at the SUV again.

On the hood of the SUV were a bunch of flowers and a single balloon. He took a step closer and saw a small card attached to the string of the balloon. He read the printed message on the card.

Maybe you will like these better. I hope they brighten your day.

This was getting ridiculous. The roses in the office had been a joke, a prank even. The bunch that had showed up at Steve's house were a coincidence. This was bordering on stalking.

Leaving the innocuous items where they were, Chin limped inside the precinct and trudged towards the office space that had become his second home in the last few months. It was just big enough to house all four of them and not much else. He longed for his own office space again. A place where he didn't have to listen to Danny's grumbling, Kono's obnoxious slurping of coffee and Steve's stoic silence. It was almost like the Governor had found the most degraded part of HPD to put them as punishment for getting the Palace blown up.

Chin pushed the door open and found the team sitting at their respective desks.

"Hey guys," he said as he allowed himself to collapse into the chair. Walking with crutches was not as easy as people made it look.

"Hey Chin. You feeling better?" Steve asked instantly.

Chin smiled at his boss. Of course Steve would be immediately concerned for his wellbeing. He expected nothing less of the selfless man.

"I'm fine. Thought I'd make myself useful," he replied.

"You still have another week of sick leave. You don't need to be here," Steve reminded him.

"Yeah. But I'll be the first to admit that daytime TV is not all it is cracked up to be. You should understand that."

Steve grinned at him. "Shopping channel?"

Chin groaned. "Yeah."

"Hey!" Danny called. "Some would say it's soothing."

Steve turned in his chair to face his partner. "That's right, Danno. Soothing you to death!"

"Just because you freakish people enjoy listening to the sound of water crashing very aggressively on the shore does not mean everyone else does!"

"So listening to people selling you useless things is the solution?" Steve asked.

"Just…stop making fun of my sleeping habits. It's annoying!" Danny claimed.

Chin shook his head and turned to his computer. Some things never changed.

When Steve looked like he was about to continue to rile Danny up, Chin decided it was time the change the subject. "Do we have anything new on the Braithwaite case?"

Kono looked at him with a grateful smile. "I finally heard back from the Los Angeles Police Department. They arrested Diane Braithwaite. She was trying to board a plane to Columbia with two suitcases full of money."

"Wait. Why were we looking for Mrs Braithwaite?" Chin asked. Evidently he'd missed a few things over the last couple of days.

"When she didn't return from the mainland to identify her husband's body, we became suspicious. So we did some digging. It turns out she was in charge of the financials for the shop and she ran dirty money through the shop for the Triads. Her husband didn't know anything about the money laundering until the Triads came looking for her," Danny explained.

"Basically she set the shop to blow, destroying all traces of her involvement. Only she didn't count on her husband and several customers being inside when it went up so she ran. The Yakuza figured out the shop was a Triad front and went after them for revenge. Which is how we got caught up in a firefight with them," Kono added.

"So case closed?" Chin asked.

"Pretty much. Diane's trial will be here in Hawaii," Danny explained. "She can explain her actions to the judge."

Chin heard the bitter edge in the detective's voice. He knew the blond man was thinking about the Braithwaite children that were now essentially orphans. One look over at Steve's concerned face told Chin that he'd caught it too.

Chin decided to change the topic. "By the way Steve, someone left a gift for you on the hood of your car."

Chin felt three sets of eyes on him.

"What kind of gift?" Danny asked, instantly suspicious. Not that Chin could blame him.

"Some flowers and a balloon."

Steve stood up and walked out of the office, presumably to see it for himself. Chin turned to the remaining team members.

"It's probably a prank, right? Maybe it's Clarke's way of getting back at him. First the dead rat, then the roses and now a balloon?" Chin caught the silent conversation between Danny and Kono and felt his stomach clench with anticipation. "What?"

"Did it come with a card?" Kono asked.

"Yeah," Chin answered, his smile dimming. "Why?"

Danny sighed. "The delivery he got to his house almost two weeks ago also had a card. Kono had it analysed but nothing came back from it."

"What are you saying?"

"We thought it was a joke too, but whoever is sending him this stuff knows where he works and where he lives. I don't like it," Danny explained.

Chin opened his mouth of say something, but stopped when Steve returned clutching a neat bunch of colourful flowers and the balloon. His jaw was clenched tightly and his shoulder's stiff. He looked absolutely livid.

"If this is someone's idea of a joke, it isn't funny anymore," Steve said through clenched teeth as he thrust the flowers in Danny's direction.

"I agree," Danny said as he read the card and wrinkled his nose.

"Let's get this analysed," Kono said as she read over Danny's shoulder.

"I don't think we need to go that far," Steve said after taking a calming breath. "I'm probably making too much out of this. It's probably just a prank."

The words would have sounded sincere enough if it weren't for the slight tremble in Steve's voice. He was irritated. Uncomfortable. Maybe a little scared.

"Well, in the meantime—"

"Yeah, I know," Steve interrupted. "Be careful."

Chin seriously wondered if Steve even knew the definition of that word.

Friday afternoon, the Camaro:

Danny held onto his seat as Steve steered the Camaro through the streets. He was regretting his suggestion to go for a coffee run. After a rather heated discussion about secret admirers and the merits of a protective detail, Steve had tried and failed to sit down at his desk and focus on work.

As Steve completed his fifth lap of pacing the confined office space, Danny had volubly announced he needed coffee. Steve had immediately jumped at the chance to escape the office and had volunteered to go with him, snatching the keys out of his hand before Danny had a chance to say anything else.

As he left to follow his partner before he got any ideas about driving off without him, Chin had pulled him aside.

"He's a little…testy."

"He'll get over it," Danny snapped.

Chin sighed. "Just try to see it from his point of view. He didn't do anything wrong but he feels like he's being punished. Especially after everything he's just been through."

"I get that, Chin but this is about his life. What if he really has a stalker?"

"He understands that, Danny. It doesn't change how he feels. He's used to protecting others, not the other way around. All I'm saying is be a little…understanding."

Danny sighed and rubbed his forehead with his thumb. "Fine. But I'm not budging on this. He doesn't go out of our sight. The last time that happened…"

"Hey!" Chin exclaimed. "That's not going to happen again. Besides, we've got your back on this."

"Thanks," Danny said with a small smile before chasing after Steve

As his face almost collided with the window thanks to a very tight and unnecessarily fast turn, Danny wondered whether he should have just kept his mouth shut and let Steve prowl around the office.

He could understand his partner's need to be outside. After being captured, confined to a hospital bed and then forced to recuperate at home, the man was practically vibrating with the need to move of his own accord.

The shrill ring of Steve's phone filled the otherwise quiet atmosphere inside the vehicle currently careening down the street. Steve pulled it out of his pocket and glanced briefly at the caller ID before declining the call with a small grunt of displeasure and returning his attention to the road. Danny was pretty certain he knew who was calling.

"Why do you keep ignoring him?"

"Who?" Steve asked, his eyes not deviating from the road.

"Tillman."

The only sign that Steve had heard him was the tightening of his hands on the wheel.

"You may as well tell me because I will find out one way or another."

"Leave it, Danny." The warning in Steve's tone was clear.

"No, I will not. Besides, I already know why he's calling."

Steve's head turned so fast that Danny was sure he had given himself whiplash. "What?!"

"Look, Tillman called me on Wednesday. He was worried because you weren't answering his calls. Which is a pretty stupid thing to do, by the way. The guy helped save your life, after all. The least you could do is let him know you are okay."

If anything, Steve's posture became more rigid. Chin's words came flooding back to him and he tried a different approach before Steve closed himself off entirely.

"I told him you were fine and he still wouldn't tell me the story behind why he owes you so many favours."

Danny smiled when he saw Steve relax slightly. It was a small win, but he would take it. The rest of the drive to the coffee shop was at a much slower (and safer) speed for which Danny was thankful. It didn't take long for their order to be made and the two men were walking back to the Camaro about ten minutes later.

Danny jumped into the passenger seat and waited for Steve to get inside the car. After a minute of waiting, he climbed back out and stared at Steve over the roof of the car.

"Are we going?" he asked.

Steve looked at him pensively. "I know why Tillman's calling."

Danny didn't interrupt. He just waited.

"The inquiry."

"So you're not calling him back because you have some weird telepathy thing?" Danny snarked.

Steve's eyes twinkled with mirth. "Not exactly. It's just…"

"What?" Danny didn't want to push, but he also knew Steve needed to get something off his chest.

"I don't think I can do it. Relive it, I mean. I-I killed people. I killed a serving member of the United States military. I killed a man that was responsible for enlisting who knows how many people into doing atrocities when I could have just injured him. There will be questions, question that I can't answer. I will have to explain everything. I will have to recall everything that was said, everything I did, everything I thought and felt. I will have to talk about how he threatened Grace, how he showed me the pictures of the Palace, how he used people. I'll have to talk about Ari."

The devastation in Steve's eyes when he talked about the young man he saved from Nazeef's clutches tore at Danny's heart. No one was supposed to know about Ari. Ever.

"I've never lied before, Danny."

Danny's breath caught in his throat. The sincerity of that one statement made Danny realise the true depths to which Steve would go to protect those he cared about. Like stealing ten million dollars to save Chin's life. Or jumping out of an airplane to rescue a man that followed the same life philosophy he did. Even revealing small, painful parts of his past in an effort to catch a terrorist.

"So I guess now is not a good time to tell you about something else Tillman mentioned?"

Steve squinted at Danny. "What?"

Danny sighed, wringing his hands together as he tried to think of a way to say it gently. "According to Tillman, they want to give you a medal."

Steve snorted and turned away from the car, his hands on his head. Danny followed him around to the other side of the Camaro. It was then he saw Steve's shoulders shaking.

"Are you laughing?" Danny was confused.

"You know what they are doing, right? They want to appease themselves of the guilt of having one of their own commit treason. This is just their way of placating me and buying my silence. They want to pin a medal on my chest because I survived when I had no reason to. They are glorifying the fact that I've killed people!"

Steve was yelling by the end of his speech. The injustice of it all and the way it was hurting Steve…Danny had a newfound understanding of his partner.

The thing to understand about Steve McGarrett was that his goofy smile and will to see the best in people were all very real parts of him. However these good qualities, these important parts, often hid the darker side underneath. He had spent a good portion of his life being trained as a human weapon and taught to conquer, no matter the situation. That side of him had not deteriorated one bit since he started Five-0. It had only been hidden beneath the laid-back island boy facade and people had only ever seen snippets of the underlying warrior.