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Chapter 33

Chaos of Emotions

Bella

My head was buzzing as dawn slowly caught up with me.

I had had a bad dream, but I couldn't remember what about. Samantha, on the other hand, was still on my mind, but the fear had fallen away from me the moment Edward was there.

I heard the children, who seemed to be wide awake already.

Sure. Saturday. Camping. I hadn't set my alarm. Damn. I could just stay lying down, I considered. They were old enough and knew what they would have to take with them and could make breakfast. Besides, they would certainly allow me a little more sleep, in view of Samantha's unexpected visit.

With that reassuring realization, I snuggled back into my cool sheets.

I was probably more sound asleep and still dreaming, because it felt like my sheets were helping me. They snuggled up to me as if they were embracing me, gently caressed over my back, and stroked over my neck. It felt good.

Whether I was dreaming or already awake: Don't stop!

To make this clear, I hugged my comforter tighter.

I would never get up again! I thought and went back to sleep.

Later I slowly woke up again.

I noticed the brightness through my closed eyelids and heard birds chirping. My sheets continued to hold me ...

No ... That wasn't my blanket ... That was Edward! We were lying close together. Really close!

I mentally sorted my limbs. One of my legs was between his. His head rested on my arm, his lips touching my neck. I felt his cold breath against my skin. My head was in turn on his, while my other arm hung over his body. He had slid one of his arms under me and gently pulled me towards him by the shoulders, while the other stroked my lower back with feeling.

Don't move, Bella! Keep breathing! It wasn't a dream that had enveloped you so beautifully! And it still felt like a dream. Tingling cold from head to toe. Wow ...

"Good morning, Bella," I heard a melodic, velvety voice whisper right by my ear.

Damn. He had noticed that I had woken up.

"Good morning," I mumbled embarrassedly and reluctantly opened my eyes. I blinked a few times. Because of the light. And Edward's angelic face. "Have we been laying like this ... the whole time?" I sheepishly asked, searching for the right word. There had never been anything with us like this before! He had never allowed it. Not for long. I freed myself from him and moved away from him. He probably didn't want that and it was unpleasant for him that I had become so pushy. He had certainly noticed how scared I was last night and perhaps that was why he was so lenient with me.

"No. Only after you seem to have had a bad dream," he explained to me.

I looked to the side in shame.

"You've really latched onto me," he accused me now, smiling.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled apologetically, moving yet a little further away from him.

"I'm not!" he whispered, pulling me back to him.

My heart skipped a beat and he chuckled softly.

Then ... yesterday ... perhaps I was not ... mistaken?

I pulled away from Edward a little to look him in the eye.

My God.

Being so close to that face so early in the morning didn't help my mind wake up. He had the face of an angel and it looked so pleased and composed.

"What are you doing here?" I managed to ask, looking into this dreamlike eyes.

"Haven't you figured it out for yourself yet?" he asked, gently stroking over my cheek.

I shook my head.

I wasn't sure I could get an intelligible word past my lips, completely taken along by the sweetness of his breath.

"You!" he said velvety softly, but meaningfully.

My heart stopped and I held my breath.

"How long are you going to try to hold your breath?" he asked smirking, with an even more beautiful face now that it was smiling.

"Until I'm awake!" I declared with conviction, and flopped onto my back.

"You're awake!"

"Don't think so!"

"What would I have to do for you to believe me?" asked Edward, leaning over me a little.

I felt a little dizzy.

One, because I was still holding my breath, and two, because he was confusing me. With his closeness, his smell and especially with his words ... His eyes ... I had forgotten. Because I was drowning in liquid gold yet again.

I expelled the excess air through my teeth.

He shook his head above me.

"How about some coffee? ... Maybe then you'll believe you're awake," he suggested and I nodded.

"As Madame commands," he smiled and left my room.

I breathed deeply.

What had just happened here?

No time to think about that. My bladder was ready to burst.

I quickly jumped up and ran to the bathroom. I frightened when I saw myself in the mirror.

My hair was a mess. A haystack, I thought.

I could shower later, when the kids were gone, but washing and brushing my teeth I did immediately, so that I was really awake. And of course, I reached briefly for my hairbrush. I sneaked back into my room and dropped onto the bed. Suspiciously, I looked around.

Ta-da ...! My room was empty. I had only dreamed. But what a dream! How silly that I thought Edward wanted me. Ridiculous!

I had just convinced myself that I really hadn't been awake when Edward entered my room with a steaming hot mug.

"Oh ... shit. I'm still asleep!" I cursed and turned away from the door onto my side.

But these dreams also felt realistic, too. I even felt my mattress move when Edward sat back on the bed and held the cup in front of my nose.

Had I ever drunk coffee in my dreams before? I did not know.

But that was unimportant, the cup flew away after I quickly drank it.

"Suppose you were still asleep ... What would happen next then?"

"How should I know?" I rolled over onto my stomach and buried my face in my comforter. It smelled like Edward. So much for that idea, I would have to remain master of my senses.

"If not you, then who? It's your dream!" Edward began to say.

I noticed the weight shift next to me. Gently, my hair was pushed off of my neck, with an icy breeze brushing my skin, and then an enchanting voice sounded close to my ear, "Is it at least a beautiful dream ... or do I only appear in your nightmares?"

"Way too nice," I mumbled into the blanket offended, cool lips settling into my neck.

I shivered.

"Look at me, please, Bella. Kindly don't deny me the only access to your thoughts," he gently asked and I obeyed.

It was foolish to avert myself from him as long as I was granted this appearance. So, I turned over on my back again. Edward sat right next to me and looked down at me lovingly while tenderly stroking my face with his fingertips.

"How would you wish this dream to continue?" he asked.

I shrugged my shoulders noncommittally and forbade my head to think seriously about that. But a few images still surfaced.

Edward and I. United as before.

An arousing heat coursed through me and gathered in my cheeks.

"That looks so seductive," he murmured almost absentmindedly.

I put my hands over my obviously embarrassment.

God, I was embarrassed. Fortunately, he could neither see nor hear my thoughts.

Gently, but firmly, he pulled my arms to the side again.

I tried to fight back, eventually sitting up as well, and Edward held my hands.

"Want me to guess what you were dreaming about?" asked Edward seductively now, with a voice that drove me out of my mind and a gaze that took my breath away, his face just inches from mine.

"Try!", I just mumbled unintelligibly and his cold lips approached against to mine.

Slowly and pleasurably, while I just sat there, not moving a millimeter so as not to let this dream shatter.

It would be so typical for a dream if it ended right now.

A tingling sensation spread through me in anticipation. The moment his full and soulful lips met mine, something inside me burst. My heart. It jumped towards him. It raged inside me. My blood boiled in my veins. He released my hands and put his arms around me. Mine buried themselves in his hair and pulled him tighter against me. I opened my lips and sucked in his intoxicating smell. But all too quickly he broke away from me.

Like before.

"Do you finally believe you're awake?" he whispered, visibly striving for composure.

"Not at all!" I doubted more than before, endeavoring to breathe evenly. Futile.

"Then let's take this opportunity, and I'll show you what my dreams would look like!"

Edward's hands gently shoved at my cheeks and held my face.

Like a breath of fresh air, his lips passed over mine before sensitively covering my mouth. Different from a few unreal moments ago. Emotionally and calmly. Enjoying every second to every fiber of the body. And then something happened that I had never experienced yet. Never with Edward. A burning sensation ran through my body when his lips opened as well and our tongues met in a loving and long-lasting dance.

I just gasped and sighed pleasantly while he lovingly nibbled on my lips and caressed them with his tongue. Without resistance, he also let me caress his lips and he quivered under me.

How those cool and marble lips felt!

My heart went completely crazy.

His hands slid ceaselessly down my back, reaching into my hair, caressing my face, while mine clawed at his hair and chest or stroked his arms. We gently fell back on the bed and I enjoyed the infinity of being.

I lived. Right now. Exactly for this moment. As if I had waited my whole life for precisely this kiss, which made time seem completely meaningless.

We swayed us back and forth until I finally lay on top of him, feeling his coolness from head to toe and was unconditionally at the mercy of his devoted mouth.

"Your ... children ... are coming," he mumbled, but somehow that information didn't reach my brain.

I continued to kiss his lips and he didn't refuse it to me, but did the same.

"Breakfast is ready," my kids chorused from the doorway.

I winced and bit my own lower lip.

I have two children, I suddenly realized, heat rushing to my face! I glared at Edward. What would my children think of me?

"I warned you," Edward defended himself, however, and somewhere in the back of my mind his warning arrived just where it needed to be processed in a meaningful way.

I didn't really dare look at Jake and Leah. I was embarrassed that they had caught me like that. I was supposed to be a role model for them. Somehow, though, I didn't think to crawl off of Edward, but just lay there on top of him.

"Would you rather we bring you breakfast in bed?" I heard Jake smirking.

Ashamed, I dropped my head onto Edward.

Could someone please turn back time? Please! Just two minutes!

"We're coming down," Edward answered my children, and I heard them back away.

Chuckling!

"What am I supposed to do now? What must they think of me? How ..." I babbled nervously without point or comma as I got up from the bed - and from Edward.

I became tense without knowing what I should or had to do. My head was somehow totally empty.

What day was today? Did I have to go to work right away? Breakfast. Downstairs. With my kids. My frantic gaze fell fleetingly on Edward ... We had kissed?

Immediately Edward stood in front of me.

"Bella. Calm down. Their minds are already elsewhere again!"

"Really?" I asked in amazement.

"Maybe not quite," Edward chuckled good-humoredly.

He finally persuaded me to go downstairs however.

I had considered hiding in my bedroom until the twins had left.

But that's how we went downstairs.

Jake and Leah were already sitting and buttering their first rolls.

They didn't appear any different than usual, I noted with relief. Shouldn't they be surprised that Edward was here. The whole night! But I did not dare to ask.

Breakfast proceeded as it probably just did with my children's friends. I asked about all sorts of things that they might have forgotten.

"So, what are you two doing until tomorrow night?" Jake then asked smirking.

Damn. All this time I had been trying not to let the subject slide to me. By now I knew that I had not been sleeping. We had kissed and been in each other's arms. And how we had kissed! It was beautiful. I shivered pleasantly at the thought of it. But what did that mean for us now? For me? For him? I had no idea. I had to talk to him, but not in front of the kids. But then I remembered how I had actually planned this day. Talking would probably have to wait.

"Cathlyn wants to come over sometime soon. There seems to be news from Michael ... Zoey is coming this afternoon. She needs inspiration for her fifteenth wedding anniversary ... Plus, I have ironing to do ... and your rooms are due again!" I threatened the last part.

Jake and Leah knew exactly what that meant, dropped their buns and cups, and ran upstairs.

I laughed, which Edward did not understand.

"Anything that lays in my way while I'm vacuuming gets thrown away!", I explained to him and he laughed as well.

"What has already bitten the dust?" he asked, amused.

"Some stuff. A 'Star Wars' laser sword, stuffed animals, a diary, a Barbie, countless Lego parts and little race cars, and much more," I enumerated.

"You are unconscionable!" he accused me.

I pulled him into the hallway, made sure Jake and Leah were still busy in their rooms, and opened the door to the storage closet under the stairs. I pointed to a carton at the very top of the shelf. He took it down, looked inside, and looked at me, touched.

"I can't throw away my children's treasures," I said sentimentally.

"And when do they get them back?"

"When they move out. Or get married ... Haven't decided yet. In any case, not while I'm still cleaning their rooms! Otherwise, my threats would be pointless," I explained as he lifted the box back into place.

"Do you have enough money?" I asked when my twins were ready to leave and gathering their things.

I was already gone to my purse and was picking out the bills before you answered.

The various offers at the lake were not necessarily the cheapest and they had spent their allowance on my birthday present. They initially refused, but ultimately took it. As always.

Then the two of them stood in front of me as if they were waiting for something. After a moment I gave up and asked what I had forgotten.

"Aren't you going to tell us, Leah in particular, that we should come back the same way we left?" inquired Jake.

I smiled and pulled them both into my arms.

"Not this time. You're growing up and I trust you'll do the right thing," I whispered a little sadly. Where had the time gone? I had no more babies.

This thought brought a few tears to my eyes.

Damn it, Bella. That's no reason to cry. You'd better be happy that you brought such good children into the world.

They hugged me tightly as if they realized what was going on inside me and said farewell to me with a kiss on the cheek. On their way out, they passed Edward. They stood facing each other somewhat indecisively.

"You have my cell phone number. If you need help or have forgotten something important, I can be there in fifteen minutes," Edward broke the unusual silence of my children.

They were rarely so wordless.

"Yes. And thanks again for lending us the car," Jake said, shaking Edward's hand.

"No problem. Have fun," he wished and Jake walked out.

Leah hugged Edward briefly.

Edward whispered something to her, but I didn't understand.

It was kind of strange to see him so familiar with my children. But I liked it.

Then my children were gone ... and I was alone with Edward. Embarrassed, I stood on the bottom step and looked down at the floor.

"And what are you doing now?" he asked curiously, taking one of my hands gently in his.

The question was simple.

"Showering," I explained with relief.

This all-consuming kiss hovered over us like a dark threatening cloud. That he held my hand was now the first real touch between us and it tingled. I wasn't sure if I had understood Edward correctly this morning or if my perception - or wishful thinking - was just playing tricks on me. He hadn't said much yet that would relax my confused thoughts, but I got the impression that there was still a lot to be said. From both of us.

"But we should, I think, talk to each other," I said. I would love to do that right now, but I really had no idea when Cathlyn would show up here. However, this conversation would go, I wasn't going to let anything or anyone interrupt it.

"I see it the same way ... Do you really have as many plans today as you said earlier?" he asked, sounding sad.

I nodded.

He would have preferred that I not lift a finger, but that was out of the question. I was a single mother, I had domestic duties that generally didn't really bother me. I really liked doing some of it. Ironing, for example. While doing that, I set up my ironing board in the living room and watched my favorite series on DVD. My current sitcom was 'The Big Bang Theory', season four, episode eight. And Edward would definitely have to go home today, too. He needed to speak with Carlisle about Samantha so that they could consider together what to say to the others about Samantha's whereabouts.

So, we 'agreed' that Edward would stay - his idea - and he would help me - also his idea - until Cathlyn got here and then wouldn't come back until later, when Zoey was definitely gone.

Time passed quickly while Edward was still there, although we both avoided any contact between us. Also, our conversations were reduced to non-essential things.

It wasn't a feeling of fear or discomfort, but simply that we needed to speak calmly!

After Edward surprised me with his thoroughly commendable cleaning skills, all I had to do in the kids' rooms was remake the beds and vacuum, with Edward's help, of course. We goofed around a bit and I told this curious guy a little about the memorabilia they kept in their rooms.

We had just started the washing machine and then were still lost in another incredible kiss when Cathlyn was already at the door.

Michael would be going back to school as early as this Monday. His father had laid on so much pressure that Mr. Taylor seemed to have no other choice. Great. Coward, I thought spitefully. The boy should be chucked out of school on his ear for his countless misdemeanors.

I got really angry by that and took my frustration out on the ironing. I filled the whole house, and neighbor's yards, with loud music and let the sound drive me.

In between, the mailman came and brought, among other things, a padded envelope from Billy. I put it aside for the time being.

After some consideration, and the pathetically small remains of my birthday cake, Zoey and I then came up with an idea for her wedding anniversary.

Renewing their vows. Getting married in Atlantic City. Bachelor parties at the casino and a strip club. The wedding ceremony was to be performed by an Elvis impersonator. A bridal bouquet that played music. The full program. All the kitsch that these quick weddings gave.

And then I was alone again and had done all the chores I had set out to do. After talking extensively on the phone with my parents, I made myself some popcorn, opened a small bottle of red wine, and set both out on the small table by my reading lounger.

I put on comfortable clothes and wondered where Jake had put my new book that I had brought from Portland on Wednesday. With an offended gaze, I found it.

At the top of the bookshelf.

I pushed a stool over but had to stand on my tiptoes to reach it.

Then everything happened very quickly.

Another book had been lying across over it and it flew towards me. I was startled and lost my balance. I was able to catch myself a bit on the back of the sofa to break my fall. I would still get a bruise on my butt.

While trying to hold on to the sofa, I involuntarily threw the book out of my hand. It landed on the side table right on top of the remote control for the stereo, which I still had turned up mercilessly loud from earlier. I heard the CD changer start to move. I sat up, cursing, and pulled Billy's envelope out of my back as I did so. Straightening up, my gaze immediately fell on the book, I had unintentionally pulled down, and the first bars of a song boomed through the speakers.

I froze.

Edward's song for me.

Like a wave, the tones flooded through me and paralyzed me.

My eyes lingered on the book that lay right in front of me.

'Wuthering Heights'. It was opened and two photos had fallen out.

My eyes burned painfully and I trembled all over as I reached out my hand for it infinitely slowly.

I knew what kind of pictures they were. The memories not only hurt, they consumed me from the inside, and extinguished all joy of life in me. That is why they were hidden in this book and the book itself was so out of my reach that it could not attack me. But now they lay there. A photo of Edward and me. The only one he hadn't found back then. The other was a photo of Jacob and me. The only one that existed of us together, since we had only been together a few weeks.

The four male eyes burned accusingly into my heart until the first tears came.

As if the last eighteen years were erased. No happy memory remained. I could not stop the flow. My feelings for these two men overwhelmed me, went crazy and ended in the purest chaos. The fear came back. The feelings of guilt. The self-hatred. The desolation. The despair. The deep abyss pulled at me incessantly.

My last hope at that moment: the envelope from Billy. With trembling fingers, I opened it and what fell out gave me such a rough blow against my chest that I could hardly breathe and finally fell back into my dark hole.

Two leather bracelets with small wolves carved in them. Made by Jacob himself.

The pain did not hold back. Held no mercy for me. It pierced me, held me captive, and I wailed and sobbed to myself.

The hole in my chest was there again, cutting off my air. The music echoed inside me like rolling thunder. I sank into my cleft. With no prospect of rescue, because my sun had been dead for a long time ...

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