Precipice by shadowsong26

Original Author's Note: This chapter takes place a week or two after the last one.

Aftermath: Chapter 8

Anakin was cold.

Which, all right, wasn't exactly anything new. He was almost always cold; the desert, apparently, was still seared deep into his bones, making it hard for him to ever feel truly warm.

But this-what he was feeling right now-wasn't normal-planet cold, though; it went deeper than that, somewhere between deep-space cold and bloodloss cold instead, something draining that he couldn't push through and ignore.

There was pain, too, pretty much everywhere; but it was muffled- drugs? I think I was drugged, maybe.

Huh. He could string a coherent thought together. That was a relief. It couldn't be that bad if he could string a coherent thought together.

Less heartening was the fact that he couldn't quite seem to draw a full breath. There was a sort of pressure on his chest, backed up by pain.

Oh. Guess my ribs broke.

Okay. That was okay, and familiar. Refreshingly familiar? His life was weird. At least he knew how to deal with that. At least that was a touchstone, an anchor point to reality in all the kriffing drug-induced fog.

Cautiously, he tried opening his eyes, and- nope, bad idea. The lights were too bright, driving spikes into his already-aching head. And maybe it was the drugs, or the pain, or maybe it was just too damn bright, but everything was blurred, out of focus, making him a little nauseous.

Okay. Let's try something else. He took as deep a breath as he could, trying to center himself and get some sense of where he was.

Medcenter. He knew that feeling, too; no matter what planet or base or installation he was on, hospitals always felt the same. Other than providing another familiar anchor point, it wasn't really all that helpful, though-between the pain and the drugs and the broken ribs, it was a reasonable guess.

Asteroid, I think. He didn't pick up on a lot of ambient life. ...where am I? Who brought me here? I don't...I don't remember much after…

He shied away from those memories, or at least tried to. He could feel his heartbeat speeding up a little; one of the machines was beeping.

All my fault this is my fault my fault I didn't see it didn't stop it I was supposed to stop it I was-

He squeezed his eyes shut; scrambled through the Force, looking for something- anything -familiar and positive to ground him.

There.

Obi-Wan was close; he could sense him-warm and comforting and slightly veiled. Sleeping.

He's alive. Thank the Force, Obi-Wan wasn't...he's alive.

The relief at finding him cut through the panic and the guilt, and he felt himself relaxing. He was shaking a little, he thought; reaction, or- no, I can't be that bad.

...wait, I knew he was alive, didn't I…? I think…Yes, I did know that. I saw him, he survived the-he survived. That's important. Remember that. Don't forget again.

His memories of the last few-of however long it had been were a little fuzzy. But now that his brain was waking up, he did remember seeing Obi-Wan. The memory itself was a little hazy-more pain, more drugs, hovering on the edge of consciousness-but it was there. Hazy or not, he remembered waking up, finding Obi-Wan hovering nearby, a beacon in the chaos (like he always has been; he didn't abandon me, didn't betray me, how the hell could I have ever doubted him); and he remembered talking to him; telling him to get to Palpatine, and to get Padmẻ -

Padmẻ.

He nearly managed to sit up on the stark adrenaline of that thought alone. Is she alive is she safe did he kill her the baby what about the baby was it all for nothing this wasn't what I wanted this wasn't-

Adrenaline, despite its best efforts, wasn't quite enough to outweigh the pain. He fell back with a faint cry. His head was spinning, and he couldn't get a deep breath to center himself- kriffing ribs -

He might have blacked out again. He wasn't sure. But after some time, he was able to process more than just raw pain and tried opening his eyes again. The light didn't hurt as much this time, at least, but the room was still blurry, still cold; everything still hurt.

Okay. Calm down and try again. Don't move too fast. You can do this. Just…

He closed his eyes again and stretched out with the Force. Finding Padmẻ was sometimes hit or miss, even for him, unless they were in pretty close proximity. She wasn't a Jedi, so her Force signature was a lot less-

Huh. That was strange. There were, very close by, two slightly erratic pulses in the Force, unlike anything he had ever sensed before. They seemed to be gravitating towards him, or he towards them. They were...muted, sort of. Not veiled with sleep, like Obi-Wan's, but sort of…uncertain? Unfinished?

He didn't have a word for it. He'd never sensed anything quite like them before. But they were full of Light, full of life, and they were-soothing. He felt better, just knowing they were there. Whatever they were. Which was sort of weird, and maybe should have worried him, that something so wholly unknown could have so profound an effect on him, especially when he was wounded and could barely sit up but…

They made him feel better. They didn't-it wasn't that the pain was gone, with them there, but more like...it was easier to handle. Like he knew, indisputably, deep as the desert in his bones, that the pain would end someday. And there was no layer of threat whatsoever in their presences. He could have stayed there, drifting, aligning himself to those two soft starbursts, for hours.

Padmẻ, he reminded himself. Find Padmẻ. You'll be able to find these two again later, now that you know what they look like. You can figure out what they are or draw comfort or...whatever.

Reluctantly, he disengaged and stretched his senses out further and-

She was here. She was here, that was her , cool and soothing like summer rain, and he could have cried with relief.

She's safe. She's safe, she's alive, she's okay, we didn't-we're all-I didn't lose her. I didn't lose her, or Obi-Wan, or-

All at once, that relief evaporated, and the memory of the Temple dying all around him crept into its place.

I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible Jedi, a terrible Chosen One-so many people died, people I was supposed to protect, and still, still, all I care about is-I was blind, so blind, and so selfish have I learned nothing?

"Ani?"

Padmẻ 's voice cut through his spiral of self-loathing, if only for a moment. He felt her hand, cool and smooth, resting on his forehead, then his cheek.

He opened his eyes.

"Ani!" She was a little blurry, but her smile, like always, lit up his entire world.

"Hi," he managed to whisper. She was so beautiful, and safe, and alive, and he hadn't had to-he hadn't had to take Palpatine's offer ( how could I have even considered it she would never have forgiven me I would have lost her anyway lost Obi-Wan lost everyone) after all.

Something was-something was different, though. And maybe it was because of the pain, or maybe because there were still way too many drugs pouring through him, but his brain didn't seem to be running properly right now. It took him a minute to figure it out.

Padmẻ wasn't pregnant anymore.

His heart sank.

"What's wrong?" she asked. Her smile slipped a little, and she fussed with something he couldn't quite see. "Are you-if you're hurting, I can get one of the doctors, we can-"

"The baby?"

"Oh," she said, and relaxed, smiling again. "Do you think you can-here, let me help you sit up. There's someone you should meet."

And his heart leapt up again, lodging somewhere in his throat. Not gone. Not dead, just-the baby was born I have a baby Padmẻ and I have a baby.

He started to sit up on his own, and she rested a gentle but unyielding hand on his shoulder.

"Easy," she said, some of the light draining out of her smile. "Don't...don't overdo it, you've been…you're still..."

"Padmẻ," he said, and okay it was a little whiny but-

"Let me help you," she insisted.

Arguing with his wife rarely ended well for him, and it would just waste time and his child, his little girl-or maybe his son? Padmẻ had thought they were having a boy-was right there.

"Fine," he conceded.

Inch by inch, with a lot more support than he liked to admit he needed, he managed to get a little better than halfway upright, leaning against the headboard. The effort left him breathless, and it hurt, but he made it. More of the cobwebs seemed to be clearing out of his head now, too; the room was less blurry, it was easier to focus.

Easier to see it when Padmẻ frowned a little.

"I'm fine," he said. "I want to...want to see the baby. Please?" He tried to smile, as reassuringly as he could and thought he managed to pull it off.

She quirked a smile of her own, but he could still feel worry bleeding after her. He did his best to look fully alert and awake and not as breathless and pathetic as he felt. "All right. Don't move." She slipped off, out of view, returning a few seconds later with a squirmy little pile of blankets. "This is Leia," she said, very carefully setting the baby on his lap.

Leia.

She was so tiny.

"Hi," he breathed, barely noticing when Padmẻ slipped off again. "Hi, Leia. I'm...uh, I'm your dad."

Leia made a faint noise, batting around with her tiny, tiny fists, narrowly missing hitting him.

"And this," Padmẻ said, carefully perching on the edge of the bed holding-

Wait, what…?

"This is Luke."

?!

"Luke…?"

"Mmhmm." She shifted her hold on the baby-the other baby, there were two babies how were there two entire babies -so he could see his son's face a little clearer.

Luke was asleep, or at least he had his eyes closed and he wasn't wriggling like Leia. But he had the cutest little nose Anakin had ever seen- is that a weird thing to notice? -and then he sighed faintly and burrowed deeper into Padmẻ 's arms.

"Oh," Anakin breathed, realizing he'd been silent for way too long, staring. "Oh, wow."

Padmẻ grinned at him. "They're pretty perfect, aren't they?"

Starbursts, he realized. These-the twins-they're are my starbursts.

"They're absolutely perfect," he corrected her.

"Absolutely," she agreed.

"How...how did we miss that there were two?" Never mind that he should've sensed them, but she'd had a carefully-maintained and frequently-wiped med droid looking after her. Didn't prenatal care usually come with scans, pictures…?

She shrugged, and rather than attempting to solve that mystery, leaned over to kiss him.

Okay. He liked that answer just fine.

And, oh, he could've stayed like that forever-with Padmẻ and the twins; just together, like they were right here, right now. This was all he'd ever really wanted, after all. This was what he'd been willing to-

No. I'm not going to spoil it. This is a happy moment. I'm happy.

Leia wriggled again on his lap and he automatically reached to catch her before she fell and-

Ow. Okay. Uh. Guess my arm broke, too. ...could be worse. Could be gone.

"Ani?"

"M'okay," he said, blinking back the stars. He tried to recapture that feeling, but the moment was gone. "I've got her, don't-I've got her, I won't let her fall."

"I know you won't," she said. She shifted position, so she was practically lying down next to him, leaning against the headboard with the twins between them. "Ani, what are we going to do?"

The same question she'd asked him-it felt like forever ago, when he finally got back to Coruscant, when she first told him about the baby. And he wanted, oh, he wanted to tell her the same thing- We're not going to worry about anything right now.

But he couldn't. There wasn't anything but 'right now' anymore. Palpatine was still out there-Anakin knew that, as surely as he knew he himself was still alive. I'd know if he was dead, and isn't that a kriffing uncomfortable thought?

And Palpatine would come after the children.

No. No, I won't let him-I will never let him anywhere near my children, I will do whatever I have to do, I will-

Leia shifted again, making a faint, almost unhappy noise.

He blinked. Wait, can she-?

And then came the guilt.

Never again. I will never let myself come that close to the edge again.

Because he knew damn well how close he'd come. His children deserved better from him.

"Ani?" Padmẻ asked softly, pulling him out of the spiral and back to solving the problem at hand.

"I don't know," he said. "We can't-we have to keep them safe."

She nodded. "Yeah." She paused. "We could run," she offered.

We could. Maybe, just maybe, there was a part of the galaxy Palpatine didn't control yet. Somewhere they could take their children and just be together-Obi-Wan could come too, if he wanted-somewhere they'd be safe, from Palpatine and from what Anakin had almost become and what he had failed to live up to and everything else he hadn't thought of yet.

Except-

No. We couldn't.

This was on him. He had screwed this all up. He was responsible. He had trusted Palpatine, had played right into the Sith Lord's hands like the idiot he tried so hard to pretend he wasn't. He was responsible for the death of the Jedi, of the Republic.

And I could never forgive myself if I just-walked away. If I gave up. If I didn't even try to fix what I broke.

And, he realized, Padmẻ probably wouldn't, either. Forgive herself, at least, for walking away from the fight.

This is what I WANT, something inside him cried. A life, with his wife and his perfect children, just- being together, and he had the chance, but he couldn't…

Look at where thinking only of what you want has gotten you, he reminded himself.

He closed his eyes, took as deep a breath as he could, and, for possibly the first time in his life, he let go.

"We can't," he said. "There's too-there's too much work to do here."

She sighed, and nodded, resting her head against his. "And…" She swallowed; she was crying, and he knew he couldn't make this better, and he hated himself for it. "And my work is...it's still in the Senate. Whatever's left of the Senate now."

And if I go back to Coruscant, if I stay with you…

"And mine is...I'm not..." he said. "If I...I'll just...he'll…"

"I know," she said. "I know, I know…"

This isn't fair. We've had three years of this already.

"This isn't forever," she whispered, kissing his cheek softly. "It isn't forever, it won't be, we won't let it. I love you. That part's forever."

"I know," he said. "I love you, too. Forever. Even if-" He swallowed.

She nodded; he felt her head move against his, heard her shaking breaths as she tried to get control of herself. "But that still...th-the twins, we have to...what are we going to do?"

He couldn't ask her to give up her children. They were hers, at least as much as his, and every single fiber of him rebelled at letting either one of them out of his sight. He knew Padmẻ had to feel the same. But she was the one who would be more visible; she was the one who would be closest to-to Palpatine.

On the other hand, as soon as he bullied the medics here into letting him out, he planned on making life very difficult for the Chancellor, the only way he knew how, at least until he got a chance to stab the Sith Lord right in the kriffing face. And doing that with a pair of infants along was...

"We have to hide them," he said, because he knew that was true. "But-but I can't-I don't want-"

"What if…" She hesitated. "What if we...what if each of us takes one of them? That...that way…"

She didn't finish the thought, and he didn't want to, either.

If the worst should happen, at least one of them will survive. And we won't have to give them up, and we won't be-neither of us will be alone.

"Okay," he said. "Okay."

But that left another question.

"How-how do we…?" How do we choose?

"I…" She trailed off, then curled closer. "I have Luke. You have Leia. Let's just...keep it that way."

He nodded. "I have Leia. You have Luke."

"Not forever," she said. "Right?"

"Not forever," he echoed, and closed his eyes. "And you'll-don't go yet, please?"

"I won't," she promised. He felt her kiss the top of his head. "I'll stay a little longer."

Just a little longer. And it won't be forever.

Anakin repeated it in his head, over and over and over again, trying so hard to believe.

Original Author's Note: Well, this was an emotional roller coaster of a chapter and took a while to get right.

I spent a long time trying to figure out how I was going to handle this-Anakin being fully Anakin again, despite how close he'd come to becoming Vader. He's got a long road ahead of him; but it basically boils down to: Anakin, for lack of a better term, hit rock bottom in the Temple (right before he hit rock bottom/Bail's speeder outside the Temple) (look this AU's working title was 'The One Where Anakin Doesn't Fall [Except Literally]). ...Anyway, he starts making better choices now; or at least trying to. Like I said, he's not all the way there yet, but he's made a good start, anyway, and it will be an (at least mostly) upward trend from here. And he will have help because ahahahaha Anakin is in no way capable of raising an infant by himself, and he's actually in a position to admit that he needs help, so he and Leia will get it.

Anyway, uh...I guess now I've demonstrated why I don't typically leave ANs like this, mostly because I start babbling at great length...

(Also this fic is turning out way longer than I originally anticipated it would be... . close to 20k in and we're not even done with Part One...Thank you all for your patience and endurance!)