Chris: (Recapping last episode.) "Last time on Total Drama Action... Justin and Leshawna got snatched and stuffed into safes, all in the name of the heist movie. The Grips managed to free Justin by tempting Izzy with the aroma of sweet chicken. Still mad at Leshawna, the Gaffers decided to let her rot in her cell. Quite possibly forever!"

Leshawna: "Yoo-hoo? Guys?"

Chris: "Tough guy Duncan got the fright of his life when he was faced with none other than... Courtney, who, thanks to her pitbulls - I mean, lawyers - is back in the running. Did the Grips lose? Was it time for Izzy to go? Again? Uh, yeah! I don't care if it was on a technicality! That girl is a complete whackjob! But look on the bright side; she gets to go surprise a certain someone! With only eight contestants left, maybe one of them will stand a chance on another awe-inspiring episode of Total... Drama... Action!"

(Theme song plays.)

(The episode begins In the girls' trailer, with the girls inside in there, except Courtney.)

Lindsay: (Brushing her hair) "What about poor Owen? (Gasps.) Or that boy I liked, Tyson?"

Heather and Beth: "Tyler."

Leshawna: "Girl's all lawyered up. I gotta try it. Get me the big bucks for being locked up in that safe all day."

Heather: "You stole my spa day. Do the crime, do the time."

Leshawna: "Wasn't your spa day. Besides, I could've starved in there, people."

Heather: "I seriously doubt that."

Leshawna: "And what is it you planned on doing at the spa with that wash-and-go hair?"

Lindsay: "Oh, no. I've got my hair in a knot! Beth, could you-"

Heather: "Here. Let me."

CONFESSIONAL:

Heather: "It kills me that Lindsiot has all that hair on her head when it's her fault I lost mine. I would've chopped it off, but all I had was a hairbrush."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

(Heather yanks on Lindsay's hair)

Lindsay: "Ow! Heather! I think you pulled my eyes into the back of my head!"

Leshawna: "Not a bad idea. With Courtney on your team, you better watch your back."

Beth: "She's so bossy."

Lindsay: "And it's not like we needed another know-it-all on the show."

Heather: "Oh. Really?" (She pulls on the knot)

Lindsay: "Ow! I was talking about me! Now that Bossy McSmartypants is back, no one is ever gonna listen to me ever again!"

Leshawna: "Sorry, did you say something, honey?"

CONFESSIONAL:

Heather: "I have got to get me some hair! Not Leshawna's gross weave or Beth's pathetic ponytail. And I'm way too smart to be Lindsay blonde. But Courtney's? Hers would be perfect. (she grabs a pair of scissors) I'm just gonna borrow these, 'kay?"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

(In the guys' trailer, Justin applies hairspray as Duncan watches.)

Duncan: "Psh, dude, how can you spend so much time on your coif?"

Justin: "My agent Jesús says it's my best feature. Along with my neck, nose, chin, cheekbones, earlobes, eyebrows..."

Duncan: "You know who's got nice hair? Courtney. I-I mean, not that I've ever noticed."

Justin: "Or maybe it's my eyes."

Duncan: "And I mean, I did notice, back when I cared. But not now. (Harold enters from the showers, but he drops some soap) You dropped your soap, dweeb."

Harold: "Nice try, Duncan. Just 'cuz I'm blind without my glasses doesn't mean I'm stupi- (he slips on the soap) Wha, whoa!" (he falls and Duncan and Justin laugh)

Duncan: "Aw, dude."

Harold: (Groans as he stands up without his towel as the other guys stare) "What? I'm comfortable in my own skin."

Duncan: "Just keep your skin to yourself, dweeb."

(Back in the girls' trailer)

Lindsay: "Ow!"

Heather: (she gets the knot out) "Got the knot!"

Courtney: (Arrives at the trailer.) "Hey, girls." (the other girls glare at her, though Heather slyly glances at her) Isn't anyone glad to see me?"

Heather: "Great to have your hair. (catches herself) Uh, here. Here. It's great to have you here, Courtney." (Suddenly a tribal horn bellows, startling them.)

Leshawna: "Uh, what the hell was that?!"

(We cut to a scene that Chris is wearing an orange loincloth, with a big tribal horn.)

Heather: "Talk about your fashion faux pas."

Leshawna: "Is that boy wearing a loincloth?"

Cour: "What do you think?"

Duncan: (Laughs.) "Oh. It hurts. A lot.

Chris: "You think that hurts? Wait 'til you hear today's challenges. Now, let's get started. (Courtney clears her throat.) As soon as I take care of a few formalities. Thanks to Courtney's lawsuit, she'll be playing by a different set of rules."

Duncan: "You said there are no rules."

Courtney: "There are when you have a good lawyer."

Chris: "Chef, let's get this over with. (Chef hands over a rulebook) Ahem! Rule one. [reading quickly] "Notwithstanding the contestants are not permitted contact with the outside world, the contestants hereafter referred to as 'Courtney' may retain a personal digital assistant. A.K.A. her PDA."

Beth: "What?! That's so not fair! I'm the one with the boyfriend!"

Chris: Care to take that up with our legal department, Beth? Huh? (Chef smashes a judge's table with his gavel, intimidating Beth) Didn't think so. Rule two. [reading quickly] 'Whereas contestants shall continue to receive allocated meals provided by Chef Hatchet, Courtney shall be entitled to a gourmet dining experience with parties consisting of producers and myself as applicable.' I hope you like lobster."

Beth and Heather: "No way! (the castmates complain to Courtney) Let's see your lawyers get you out of this one."

Courtney: "What? I'm still sleeping in the girls' trailer."

Chris: "Where she will have a pure goose down pillow, extra lofty comforter, and seven hundred thread count sheets. Oh. And her own... Private... Bathroom. (The castmates complain to Courtney) Those are the new rules. Let's call them Courtney's Rules. In honor of Courtney, who gets special treatment. And an unfair advantage."

Duncan: "Nice. Our spoiled princess didn't waste any time hooking herself up."

Courtney: "And you didn't waste any time hooking up with Gwen after I left."

Duncan: "While I'm touched you're obviously still hot for me, my relationships are none of your business."

Courtney: "You're on TV. They're everyone's business!"

Duncan: "Well then, the whole world knows that at least I play by the rules! Most of the time. What? Don't think you can win the million bucks fair and square?"

Courtney: "I could kick your two-timing ass with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back!"

Duncan: "Gonna be pretty tough to eat lobster like that!" (They growl close at each other)

Chris: "While I'm loving this show of hostility, I think today's challenges will help bring out your more... primal instincts. Today's genre? The period movie!"

Beth: "Ooh! I love period movies! All the pretty petticoats and dresses with puff sleeves!"

Heather: "Do we get wigs?"

Chris: "Chef! Do we have a wig?" (Chef tosses Heather a red cavewoman wig.)

Heather: "Ugh. It smells like raw meat."

Chris: "That's because our period is the paleolithic period, which I thought you dum-dums might have guessed from our loincloths."

Lindsay: "Paleo Lipstick? Is that a new brand?"

Beth: "It's the stone age. We're going to be cavegirls."

Chris: "No talking. Cave people grunt and look confused, which means for once, you're all perfectly cast."

Heather: "As much as I want hair, I am not putting that sick thing on my head."

Chris: (he takes the wig back) "No problem. You look pretty savage anyway." (He starts walking off)

Heather: "Wait!" (she takes the wig and puts it on her hair)

Chris: "Okay! Cave people in prehistoric flicks do two things. Make fire and use tools made of bones. Technically, you should also know how to bring down a mammoth with a stick, but since Owen's been gone for some time now, no mammoth, no challenge. Here are your costumes. Get into character, people."

Duncan: "You've gotta be kidding."

Chris: "I never kid. (Chuckles.) Actually, I do. But never about something this funny."

Courtney: "You'll look perfect, Duncan. You're already a total neanderthal."

(Duncan attempts to say a word, but a loincloth is thrown at his face.)

(We now cut to the prehistoric movie set, with all the castmates are in their loincloths; Beth is in a green dress, Leshawna in red, Lindsay in a fuschia fur bikini, Courtney in tan green, Harold and Justin in fur speedos, and Duncan in one similar to Chris')

Chris: "Hello, cast. Nice to see you all decked out for the competition. And might I say, you all look pre-hysterical."

Harold: "Who knew I'd look so hot in leopard skin?"

Courtney: (Touches a tooth on her outfit.) "Ow! I think mine still has a claw."

(Cut to the production tent)

Chris: "Please note: No animals were harmed in the making of this television program. Okay! We good?"

(We now cut back on the set.)

Heather: (she goes to snip Courtney's hair, but she's caught) "Um..." (she snips the claw off) there. Got it.

Chris: "Chef! The tools for the first Stone Age challenge please!"

Chef: (He hands the castmates some rocks) "Here's your rocks."

Duncan: "Rocks? Aren't we taking this Stone Age thing a little too literally?"

Harold: "Shows how much you know, Duncan. Rocks are an awesome resource. Inuit hunters used them to build inukshuks. Plus, they make a great paperweight-" (Duncan drops his rock on Harold's foot) Ow! That hurt!"

Duncan: "What do you know? Rocks are useful."

(Commercial break.)

Chris: "First team to collect the hidden firewood and use the flint-stones to make fire, earn something to help them with the second challenge. Ready? And... action!" (the teams run off)

(The Gaffers are looking for their firewood when Chef grabs Duncan by his loincloth)

Duncan: "Hey, hey! Easy there. (he covers himself) Not a lot of fabric here."

Chef: "Hand it over. (Duncan tosses out his technology) All of it, prehistoric pond scum."

Duncan: "All right, all right."

Harold: "Help, it's after me! (Screams as wooly beavers chase him.)

Chris: (Laughs.) "Looks like Harold found the wooden beaver dam on the set of 'Rodents Who Kill'!"

Chef: (Chuckles.) "And 'Rodents Who Kill: Part 2'!"

Harold: "Why?!" (Screams as the beavers continue chasing him.)

Duncan: "Those killer beavers are animatronic, right?"

Chris: "Animatronic? Of course." (He winks to the camera as Harold keeps running)

Duncan: "That's it, keep those knees up!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: (He's being bandaged up.) "Duncan and I have our differences. For example, whereas I hate him, he can't stand me. But we're guys. And guys can put stuff like that aside. For the sake of the team. We can also pee standing up."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: "Help me! (Screams until Duncan trips him.)

Duncan: "Way to get the wood, teammate."

Harold: (A wooly beaver drags him away by the ankle) "No! No! Ahh!"

Leshawna: (She pursues with a wooden club) "Coming, baby!"

Lindsay: "I don't get it. How do you make fire with a rock? (Heather sneaks up behind Courtney with the scissors) Oh, is this like that game, Rock Paper Scissors?" (Heather backs off)

Courtney: (Scoffs in annoyance.) "Give me those." (She takes the rocks)

CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: Courtney thinks she knows everything. But she doesn't know that when I was twelve, my flat iron once accidentally set fire to my grandma's house. Twice!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Courtney: "I'll have this going in no time. I was a C.I.T. you know."

Leshawna: (She has saved Harold) "Oh, she is not back on that again. This isn't camp, it's a movie set!"

Duncan: "She is a total drama queen."

Courtney: (Glares at him.) "Why? Because I think you're a dog for hooking up with Gwen?

CONFESSIONALS:

Duncan: "I did not hook up with Gwen! Having Courtney back reminds me how much she drives me crazy! (Looks lovingly.) And how much she drives me crazy.

Courtney: "I watched the show. I know what I saw between Duncan and Gwen. (Unseen by her, Heather cuts a bit of her hair.) Nothing gets past me."

Heather: "I got some! Courtney's hair! Soon, it will be mine. All mine! (Laughs crazily, but then she catches herself.) What? I'm not crazy. I'm just bald."

END OF CONFESSIONALS:

Chris: "Things are finally heating up!"

Heather: "Go, Duncan! Burn her!" (Duncan and Courtney start hitting the flints)

Beth: "Yay! Go, Courtney!"

Lindsay: "Whoo! All right!"

Chris: "I love it when sparks fly." (After hitting the flints a few times, Duncan pulls out a hidden lighter and sets the wood on fire, then the Gaffers cheer)

Duncan: "I, I make fire!" (Grunts as he beats his chest.)

Chris: "Courtney, I thought for sure you'd be the first to burst into flames. Gaffers win the first challenge!"

Courtney: "Ugh! You obviously gave me fake flints! Nobody could start a fire with these ridiculous props!" (She drops the rocks, then Lindsay hits them together which instantly starts a fire)

Lindsay: "Fire!"

(Courtney gasps in shock, as she groans in annoyance & storms off.)

(Later, Chris blows the tribal horn again)

Chris: "Yup. Still loving this crazy thing. (to the castmates) Time for our second caveman movie challenge. But first, Chef will pass out your rewards from this morning. Chef, weapons please." (Chef reveals a pile of bones)

Leshawna: "Excuse me? Our reward is bones?"

Chris: "Hey, for cave people, bones were cutting edge technology. And, they're not your reward." (Chef hands the teams their bones, but the Grips' bones are much bigger)

Duncan: "Hey, what gives? We won the challenge, I made fire!"

Chris: "Actually, you didn't. We reviewed the footage caught on camera, and you made fire with a lighter. Which is not a Stone Age tool. Which means... Lindsay made fire first! The Grips are the winners!" (The Grips cheer)

Courtney: "Well, well. Duncan 'I Play by the Rules' cheated. Big surprise."

Duncan: "I've got many more for you, sweetcheeks." (Courtney growls angrily.)

Chris: "Ahem. The props department for caveman movies are bare bones. Which means these are all actors have to fight their on-screen enemies with."

Leshawna: "And who might these enemies be?"

Chris: "Each other, of course. Grip tribe versus Gaffer tribe."

Duncan: "Cool. We have to fight each other with bones?" (Courtney whacks him with her bone in the head.)

Chris: "I like your enthusiasm Courtney. Only you'll be fighting over there. (Points to two tall platforms over a tar pit) Each player that knocks his or her opponent off the column into that big bubbling tar pit scores a point for their team. To the tar pits!"

(We now cut to the first matchup is Lindsay vs. Leshawna. where there are in the 2 platforms.)

Leshawna: "I'm supposed to knock her off with this teensy weensy little bone?"

Lindsay: How do we know when to start?"

Chris: "Oh, don't worry. You'll know!" (Laughs, then takes a deep breath and blows into the tribal horn.)

Lindsay: (Starts losing her balance) "Whoa!" (She screams as she lands in the tar and the Gaffers cheer)

Leshawna: "Aw, see? Now that was just way too easy."

Chris: "That's one point for the Gaffers!"

Beth: (Runs to Lindsay.) "Linds, are you okay?!"

Lindsay: (Emerges from the tar.) "It feels like a cool mud bath. I wonder if it's good for the skin."

Justin: "Here. [he helps her out of the tar] Be sure to let me know."

Chris: "Next up, Beth and Heather!" (A screech is heard and prehistoric geese are seen flying overhead) "Uh-oh! Looks like Lindsay's blood curdling screams have attracted a swarm of prehistoric pterodactyls. This should make things interesting."

Justin: "Cool special effects, man. High five." (Holds his hand for a high-five)

Chris: "Oh totally special effects." (He backs away, leaving Justin hanging)

(We now cut to Beth and Heather on the columns)

Heather: "Why don't you just jump off now and save us all the time! (One of the geese grabs Heather's wig.) Ahh! My hair! Let go or you're *bleep*ing dead meat, Tweetie!" (She loses the wig and falls over, hanging on to Beth's bone.)

Beth: "Let go!"

Heather: "You let go!"

Beth: (Smiles.) "Okay." (She lets go, letting Heather fall)

CONFESSIONAL:

Beth: "They make us do a lot of horrible, humiliating things to each other on this show, and I haven't been very good at most of them. But when I knocked Heather off her high pedestal, and made her fall into a pit of bubbling tar, well, that was my high point of the competition. (Chuckles.) Maybe my whole life!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

(Heather finally lands in the tar, as the Grips, even Leshawna cheer.)

Leshawna: "Whoo! All right!"

Duncan: "Hey, whose team are you on, anyway?"

Leshawna: "Yours. And hers. But it's kind of lose-win, you know?"

Heather: "Isn't anyone gonna help me out of here?"

Chris: "And that evens the score at one-all for the Grips and the Gaffers. Next up, Justin and Harold."

(We now cut to Harold & Justin On the columns, as Justin poses for the camera.)

CONFESSIONAL:

Justin: (Covered in tar.) "I'm gonna win the million, but that shot of me standing atop the stone column is worth even more. It's gonna be an iconic image for the series. Hey, Lindsay was right about the tar. My skin does look even better."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: (Dodges Justin's bone multiple times, but the wooly beavers come back.) "Uh-oh."

Duncan: "Don't blow this, Harold! They're not real beavers!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm scared of... beavers! Especially fake prehistoric beavers."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Duncan: "Just don't go and lose this challenge for us, beavers can't swim through tar!" (The beavers jumps into the tar and swim to Harold's column)

Harold: "Their teeth are the size of railway spikes!"

Leshawna: "You'll be okay, baby!"

Duncan: "Don't be a wimp! The columns are plaster, not wood! And beavers can't climb! (One beaver chomps on the column and the other climbs up.) I guess my knowledge of prehistoric beavers is a little rusty."

Harold: (He fends the beaver off with his bone) "Dam, beavers! Dam! Get back to your dam!"(The column tips over and he grabs Justin's loincloth, and they both fall into the tar.)

Chris: (Laughs.) "That was awesome! Would've preferred to see some beaver carnage, but you can't have everything. Anyways, that leaves the teams tied, and us with a grudge match between Duncan and Courtney, on the same column! You just can't write this stuff."

Courtney: "Don't get too hyped. Duncan won't last more than two seconds."

(We now cut to Duncan and Courtney on the same column and she holds on to him.)

Duncan: (Laughs.) "Quit trying to make out with me!"

Courtney: All you're going to kiss is the end of my bone! (The tribal horn bellows, and they swing at each other and almost fall off, but they pull each other up and they end up kissing.)

Duncan: "Oh, yeah! Now that's the stuff!"

CONFESSIONALS:

Duncan: "It's like there were two Courtneys up there! The nut job I wanted to knock into the tar pit, and the hottie in the fur bikini!"

Courtney: Sure, Duncan has this primal animal magnetism.. (Glares now.) but he also makes me want to hit him where it hurts."

END OF CONFESSIONALS:

(They smile and go in for another, but then...)

Courtney: "Whaaa-YAAAH!" (Whacks Duncan in the crotch with her big bone)

Duncan: "Oh! Ah..." (He's about to fall, but he's still holding onto Courtney's hand)

Courtney: "What? Wait, no! What the hell are you doing?! DUNCAN!" (She screams as they both fall into the tar pit.)

Chris: "Ah hah! I gotta check that out again!" (The footage rewinds and plays back. As he laughs hysterically.) Awesome! We have a tie!" (Courtney emerges from the tar as Duncan crawls out)

Courtney: "What?! No way! That match didn't count! I demand a tiebreaker!"

Chris: "Well, there probably would be a tiebreaker at one million, B.C. Before Courtney. But instead of a tiebreaker, Courtney would probably settle for today's reward. A mammoth-sized prehistoric barbecue!" (Chef drives in with massive ribs as both teams cheer, even Duncan.)

Chef: "Meh. It's a living."

Courtney: "I would have preferred me getting the reward, but I'll settle."

Chris: "Care for a side dish?" (He gives the Gaffers a large egg)

Harold: "A pterodactyl egg?"

Chris: "Should be enough for four. You do have fire."

Justin: (ties his loincloth around his neck like a napkin) "Ha ha ha, barbecue time." (Chef gets out of the golf cart, but it falls into the tar)

Chef: "Oops."

Chris: "Look on the bright side. You still have your egg. (the geese roar) Actually, the pterodactyl might want it back." (Harold tries to drop the egg, but the tar is too sticky as a goose dives at him.)

Harold: "Get this thing off of me!" (Heather finally gets out of the tar and sees that that's the goose that took her wig)

Heather: "Give me back my wig!" (She pounces on the goose) "Nobody messes with my hair!"(she wrestles with the goose and drags it off)

Chris: "Probably tastes like chicken. Speaking of chicken, tonight's surf-and-turf. Shall we?"

Chef: "Let's shall." (the three of them walk off as Leshawna holds Harold over the fire to boil the egg)

Harold: "How long for a soft-boiled pterodactyl egg?"

Leshawna: "I'm guessing about three hours." (The castmates groan)

Harold: "Um, Leshawna?"

Leshawna: "Yes, sweetie?"

Harold: "My hands feel ouchie."

CONFESSIONALS:

Courtney: (She's seen eating lobster) "Even though it was a tie, Duncan got what was coming to him. And so did I. Mm! Lobster and Belgian chocolate."

Duncan: (Groans in pain.) "Why do they always go for the kiwis? Why?!"

Chris: (He's picking his teeth and holding a coconut drink) "I know everyone wanted to see Heather cut off Courtney's hair. Trust me, so did I. [slurps] But, the girl's got a kickass lawyer. Can't harm a hair on her head. And even though the Grips technically won, I hoped you're willing to settle for the tie. And I hope I'll see you next time, kiddies! Same Chris time, same Chris channel! (Throws the drink away, shattering nearby glass.) Uh, wasn't me!" (Runs off.)

END OF CONFESSIONALS:

(End credits.)

What do you guys think of the ending? Stay tuned for episode 15!