Chris: "Last time on Total Drama Action... It was a festival of guts, determination, and sweat as yours truly put our contestants through their sports movie paces! Only Leshawna was a little distracted when her rant about the gang turned up on Courtney's PDA. And in the end, it was Leshawna that was sent packing straight back to her cousin. But there's no time to think about loved ones today. Instead, we're gonna make the best spy movie ever!" (We then cut to him on a white screen with a tomato.) And we might have a few sneaky surprises along the way." (Throws the tomato at the camera, as we cut back to him on the set.) "Right here on Total... Drama... Action!"

(Theme song plays.)

(The episode begins where all the castmates are together outside)

Heather: "I don't know what it is, but I feel strangely calm. Maybe because a certain someone whose initials are Leshawna is finally out of the game."

Harold: "Well, the team still needed her, even if the Leshaniqua spa incident came back to bite her in the end. Okay, she still has a hold on me! I can't help it! I'm a slave to love!" (He hugs Duncan, who glares at him)

CONFESSIONALS:

Courtney: "We may be done with Leshawna, but the spa isn't done with her. (she dials her PDA) My lawyers are working on it right now."

Duncan: "Well, even though she's gone, I don't trust anybody anyway, so... heh, biz is usual, teamie."

END OF CONFESSIONALS:

Heather: "Well, that's reassuring."

Lindsay: (She bumps into the trailer door) "Oh! Door, it's me, Lindsay. From this morning. You remember!"

Courtney: "Door, meet doorknob."

Lindsay: "Oh, yeah!" (She pulls on the doorknob when suddenly a little device drops in and scans her face.)

Automated Voice: "Intruder alert! Entry denied!" (The steps collapse and Lindsay falls into a trap door screaming, then the Grips gasp)

Duncan: (He looks into the trap door) "What the f-?" (He gets hit with a tranquilizer dart and falls in groans.)

Courtney: (Gasps.) "Dunkie!"

Harold: "Duncie?" (A bowler hat flies in and knocks Courtney out, causing her to fall in.)

Justin: "Run for cover!" (He, Heather and Beth run into the trailer, but he closes the door before Harold can get in)

(We then cut to the trailer, with Heather, Beth & Justin inside.)

Beth: "What's happening?! Are we gonna die?!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: "I always knew the producers were mean, but now I think they're actually trying to kill us! If you ask me, it's a conspiracy to-" (he gets knocked out by a bat by an intern.)

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Justin: "Hey, where's Harold?"

Beth: "We're all gonna die!"

Heather: "We are NOT gonna die! This is all part of some stupid challenge!"

Justin: "Beth, Heather's right. It's gonna be all right. Just focus on my calming beauty and soothing complexion. (Beth starts crying) Ugh, I'm hideous!" (Cries.)

Heather: (Groans in annoyance.) "This can not be happening to me! I am not about to die here with a couple of morons!" (Suddenly a gas bomb is thrown in and the three of them cough before passing out)

(We now cut at an undisclosed location, everyone wakes up, while Beth accidentally elbows Justin's eye)

Justin: (Covers his eye in pain.) "Ow! My eye! My beautiful, uninsured eye!"

Beth: "I'm so sorry! Are you okay!"

Justin: "Ah! I bruise easier than a clingstone peach! Must prevent swelling, I need ice! Ice?! (He looks in the mirror.) Oh! I am a hideous beast! Nobody will ever hire me now! My modeling career is over! I'll have to go work in the circus as a... as one of those... circus freaks!"

Courtney: "Hey! Where the hell is my PDA? (Beth picks it up, but Courtney takes it.) Trying to steal it again, I see."

Beth: "No! I was just trying to give it back! Swearsies!" (Courtney does an "I'm watching you" gesture as a huge holographic screen displays Chris wearing an eyepatch and petting a kitten)

Chris: (Laughs evilly, & with an accent.) "Welcome to ze Clogedekel, world of spy movies, man and woman."

Duncan: "Dude, what's with the bad Jamaican accent?"

Heather: "Jamaican? That sounds more like Japanese."

Courtney: "No, Swedish!"

Beth: "French!"

Harold: "Kinda sounds Italian to me."

Chris: (Back to his normal voice.) "Um, hello? It's Russian. And I should know, because I am an actor!"

Duncan: "Really?"

Chris: "Any good spy in any good spy movie must have three essential skills. One, the ability to deactivate a bomb. Two, the ability to escape an exploding building. And three, the ability to fake an accent that makes people believe you actually speak the language. [accent] Like-a my fab Russian accent, man. [normal voice] You'll need two of the three skills to get through today's reward challenges. Can you guess which two? Let me give you a hint. [accent] Not the third one, man." (Laughs evilly.)

Courtney: [gasps] "Does anybody know anything about bombs?"

Lindsay: "Oh! I do, I do!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: "I once was in a musical about the environment called "The Three R's". I was recycle, and my best friend Marcy played reduce. She paints her nails grapefruit just like me. Anyway, only three people showed up and the director said it bombed, so yeah. I know a thing or two about bombs."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Duncan: "Mr. Ninja Not-so-much over here doesn't get anywhere near the bomb."

Heather: "Agreed."

Harold: "If you deactivate bombs the way Duncan foils booby traps, we are so dead."

Chris: "Oh, and one last thing. Since I'm really ho-hum bored of the teams, I'm busting them up! From now on, it's every dude and dudette for themselves. I'll see you back on solid ground. Let the 007'ing begin." (The screen cuts off before the cat starts attacking him)

Lindsay: "If we're not teammates, does that mean we can't share lip gloss?"

Beth: "I'll miss your fruity lip goop!"

Beth and Lindsay: (they hug) "No!"

Harold: "You're breaking us up?! After all we've been through?!"

(We now see the cast doing the 6Teen theme montage.)

Life begins after school

That's when we bend all the rules

Time to hang with all my friends

We like to be together

In a place where we belong!

I'm sixteen! Starting to find my way

Got a new job, gonna start at the mall today

Thank God I'm on my own for the first time

I'm sixteen! Life is sweet

When you're growing up so fast

You gotta make the good times last!

[Instrumental break]

I'm sixteen, sixteen

Gotta make the good times last!

(We now cut back to the present.)

Harold: "How do we get out of here?"

Lindsay: "I say we go this way. (Bumps into a fake cave) Ow! Not again!"

Courtney: "The GPS indicates an exit somewhere over there!"

Duncan: "I don't normally trust technology, but in this case, I'll make an exception."

Heather: "Following your girlfriend for directions? It'll only lead to heartache and tears on your pillow."

Justin: (Sits down on a stalagmite, which happens to be a lever revealing an elevator) "Whoa! Over here!"

Lindsay: "Way to go, Justin!"

Harold: "Good eye!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Justin: "Now that I'm a hideously deformed circus freak, I have to rely on my brains to win this thing. You hear me, brain? Yeah! I'm speaking to you!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

(The castmates pile into the elevator and they go up to a room with a security case with a bag inside)

Duncan: "Cool."

Justin: "Awesome!"

Harold: "This is like something out of that spy movie, 'The Ultimate Ultimatum'." (The screen appears, but this time Chris is covered in cat scratches.)

Chris: "Don't I look awesome in blue? Now for the first part of the spy movie challenge. See that case in the middle of the room? You have to get whatever's inside, 'cause you're gonna need it for part two of the challenge."

Duncan: "No problemo. Easy smash and grab." (He walks toward the case, but gasps as a sudden laser array is activated.)

Chris: "Ahem. I need to finish. You gotta get whatever's inside without setting off the alarm. But be careful, those lasers will cut you clear in half."

Lindsay: "I look a whole lot better whole."

Heather: "Okay, I do not want to be sliced in half. I'd be lucky if I lost my wig in here."

Justin: "Brain, got any ideas?"

Beth and Lindsay: "Wanna go together, BFF?" (They walk off laughing.)

(Cut to Lindsay and Beth stuck under the lasers together.)

Lindsay: "This is all your fault."

Beth: "No, this is all your *bleep*ing fault! What kind of BFF are you anyway? Number one requirement for a BFF, don't allow other BFFs to get stuck between dangerous life-threatening lasers!"

Lindsay: "Yeah? And you know what the number two requirement is? The number one requirement!"

(Courtney steels herself and flips and maneuvers through the lasers.)

Duncan: "If I were a wolf, I'd howl. Ah, what the hell?" (Howls.)

Heather: "Is anybody gonna help me out of here?"

Justin: "Okay, brain, it's all up to you. I know you haven't had a lot of exercise in the past, um... sixteen years, give or take, but you can do this. (He slowly walks through, but trips) Ah! Whoa! (he slides toward a laser, but he deflects it with his mirror.) Hahaha. Mirror mirror in my hand, who is the smartest one of all?" (Courtney works under the lasers as Duncan gawks and holds onto Heather's leg.)

Heather: "Hey, Romeo! Hello? I'm not a wishbone. Stop gawking and start lifting! (Duncan and Harold help her out) Oh, careful, careful. Not so fast. Phew. That was close."

Justin: "Uh, pros and cons of life as a circus freak. Pro, travel. Con... the bearded chick."

Heather: "I must admit, that was clever. It's like the three of us never split up."

Harold: "One of us, anyway. Some of us were too busy making googly eyes at a certain girl."

Heather: "Guys, we need to focus. How do I get out of here?"

Duncan: "You go first." (He pushes Harold into a laser, but he avoids it)

Harold: "Oof! Hey, watch it!"

Heather: (she approaches Harold) "Just ignore him. I propose we form a secret alliance."

Harold: "I don't suppose you remember how our last alliance went over, right?"

Heather:" Look, if the two of us vote together, we can get rid of Duncan and make it to the final two."

Harold: "Tempting. If Leshawna were here instead of you, she'd want Duncan in on this, too, and there aren't enough rare tress-killing yellow 1855's in the world to ever make me work with him."

Heather: "Uh, I'm sorry, what?"

Harold: "The tress-killing yellow 1855 is the rarest stamp in the world. Worth over two million dollars. If either of us had it, we wouldn't need to be here risking our lives."

Heather: "Harold, we are not here to talk about stamps, okay? We are here to win a million dollars."

Harold: "Well, as long as Duncan isn't a part of it, you got yourself a deal." (The two shake hands as Courtney makes it to the case)

Courtney: "Okay, so now what?"

Duncan: "Grab whatever's around and smash it open. Case probably isn't armed since the lasers are protecting it."

Harold: "I vehemently disagree. The case is quite possibly booby trapped."

Duncan: "Don't listen to His Geekiness over here. Grab whatever you can and smash away."(Courtney walks away)

Heather: "What is she doing now?"

Harold: "Taking my expert advice, no doubt, and staying away."

Courtney: (She runs to the case and jump kicks it) "Hi-yah!" (The lasers power down, freeing everyone)

Lindsay: "Wow."

Beth: "Wow, it triggered."

CONFESSIONAL:

Duncan: "Nothing grips my wheel more than a chick with a serious spin-heel flying jump kick! After that mixed martial arts display, Courtney shot way up on my You're-All-Right Meter."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Courtney: (she searches through the bag) "That's odd. It's just a weird gun thingy and some wire cutters."

Heather: "To escape a building that's about to blow?!" (the light glow red)

Chris: The room blows in ten, (The contestants scream.) nine, eight, seven, six, five..."

(Commercial break.)

(We go back to where Courtney is searching through the bag.)

Courtney: (she searches through the bag) "That's odd. It's just a weird gun thingy and some wire cutters."

Heather: "To escape a building that's about to blow?!" (The light glow red)

Chris: "The room blows in ten, (The contestants scream.) nine, eight, seven, six, five..."

Lindsay: (she and Beth hug) "I'll miss your smile!"

Beth: "No, I'll miss your smile!"

(Heather hugs Harold, and Courtney hugs Duncan)

Justin: (Crouching like a ball in fear.) "I'm too handsome enough to die!"

Chris: "Three, two, one! (Blows a raspberry, as the screen turns back to him.) Suckers! (Laughs.) You should've seen the looks on your faces!"

Duncan: "Oh, come on." (Courtney lets go and pushes him away)

CONFESSIONALS:

Courtney: "For the record, what I gave Duncan would properly be classified as a pity hug. He was clearly scared out of his mind. Probably would've died of fright if I hadn't wrapped my arms around him. His little heart was beating so fast, so... heh. (she snaps out of it) No. Pity hug. Pity hug, plain and simple."

Duncan: "Man, Courtney is this close to begging me to take her back. Just watch."

END OF CONFESSIONALS:

Heather: (She finds herself hugging Harold and lets go) "This didn't happen, do you understand?"

Chris: "You'll need the zipwire gun and the wire cutters for the next spy challenge. Whether Courtney, our little kung fu queen, chooses to share her tools with the tools is totally up to her. Oh, by the way. The first countdown was just a test. The real countdown begins now! (The red lights glow again) Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight..."

Lindsay: "Do you think forever includes eternity?"

Beth: "Why?"

Lindsay: "Because if it does, then even if we get blown up and die, we'll still be BFFs."

Beth: "Aww!"

Courtney: "Ugh! What makes everyone think Chris is serious this time?"

Heather: "I don't know, and honestly, I'm not staying here and find out."

Harold: "We can use the zipline to get out of here. But we need another structure of some kind for it to grab onto."

Lindsay: "Hey, guys, look out this window I just found!" (The castmates look and see another building)

Beth: "What are we waiting for? Let's get outta here!"

Courtney: "Uh, not so fast. What do I hear for a ride to freedom?"

Heather: "You're kidding! You're willing to bargain with our damn lives?!"

Courtney: "Um, duh. And the offers better be good. I've already got a PDA."

Lindsay: "Well, how about a bottle of my face brightener? Papaya's really good at perking up an ashy complexion."

Harold: "My prized action figure, Transistor Man, still in the box?"

Beth: "My French maid's outfit? (everyone looks at her funny) What? I played a French maid in the school play."

Harold: "Oh. Phew."

Duncan, Justin, and Lindsay: "Phew."

Courtney: "Sorry, none of these pathetic offers interest me."

Harold: "What do you want, woman? Time's running out, can't you see?"

Courtney: "I share the prize money with you fifty-fifty if you win."

Everyone but Courtney: "What?"

Chris: "I knew there was a reason we picked Courtney. She's nasty. I love nasty. Ha ha."

(Then we see the clock ticking.)

Duncan: "Fine."

Harold: "Okay." (Lindsay, Justin and Beth nod)

Heather: "You better make good on that promise, do you hear me?"

Courtney: "Good decision!" (She fires the grapple gun toward the other building and ties the line to a column.)

Justin: "How are we gonna get over there with only one line?" (Courtney quickly grabs Harold's belt from his pants)

Harold: "Hey! My belt!"

Courtney: "Grab on!"

Duncan: "I thought you'd never ask."

Justin: (he jumps into Courtney's arms) "Go, go, go!" (Everyone slides down the line as Heather loses her wig as it fell off to a trash can.)

Heather: (Gasps & feels her head.) "My wig!"

Beth: "Don't stop!" (they land on the building)

Harold: "Get ready for the fireworks! (The explosives suddenly... fizzle out) Aww. Another false alarm?"

Heather: "I hate that guy so *bleep*ing much."

Chris: (he's standing next to the castmates) "As if we have the budget to blow up an entire building. I was just playing with you. Again. Because I can."

Beth: "I nearly peed my pants."

Harold: (he pulls up his pants to cover his underwear) "Right, ha ha. Nearly."

Chris: "All right, kiddies. Time for your next super sleuth challenge. (He removes a tarp, revealing barrel bombs) In front of you, you will see seven bombs. You will have to deactivate the bombs with only the tools you got from the last challenge. The wire cutters. Oh, wait. Wasn't Courtney the only one that got the wire cutters? [laughs] Well, I guess everybody else will just have to find their own way of cutting the wires. Sucks to be you! Any questions?"

Harold: "Where can I get the bomb schematics?"

Beth: "Do bombs come with instructions?"

Lindsay: "Am I wearing the right kind of bomb deactivating clothing? And if not, where can I get the proper outfit? Preferably in cotton candy, because that color is so right with my hair."

Chris: "Cool. If there are no questions, then what are we waiting for? (beat) Oh, yeah. One more thing. Those barrels are filled with the most stinky, the most noxious substances known to humankind. Yeah, that's right. We're talking major stink bombs."

Harold: "You mean worse than Owen's farts?"

Chris: "Yes. Yes it is. Yo, Chef!" (Chef arrives in a tennis outfit)

Chef: "Why can't you handle this? I'm busy." (He activates the bombs as the timer counts down from three minutes)

Chris: "Good luck. 'Cause this time, you're really gonna need it." (He and Chef leave)

Lindsay: "Look at all those different colored wires! [gasps] Ooh, that one matches my toenails. That one matches my eyes, and oh, that one matches my hair!"

Duncan: "Shouldn't an uber geek like you know which wire to cut?"

Harold: "Shouldn't an uber delinquent like you know how to defuse a stink bomb?"

Heather: "You're both uber-losers."

Courtney: (dials her PDA) "I'll email this pic to my lawyers. Those sharks will have a bomb expert back to me within seconds. (she gets a reply) Out-of-office reply? No one sends Courtney an out-of-office reply. Especially when I'm paying them twenty percent of my settlement!"

Justin: "Okay, brain. Now's the time to bring it. Eenie, meenie, miny, mo. Ooh! Or is it eenie miny, meenie, mo? Brain, don't be messing with me now!"

Lindsay: "It's the blue one!"

Beth: "How do you know?"

Lindsay: "Out of all colors, it's the most fashion-forward."

Beth: "Hey, everybody! Lindsay's cutting the blue wire!"

Courtney: "Great! Let us know how that works out for you."

Beth: "Can Lindsay borrow the wire cutters? Hurry! (Courtney thinks about it) What more do you want? Besides, if the bomb goes off, we'll all be stinked, including you!"

Courtney: "Um, you make a good point." (She tosses Lindsay the wire cutters, and Lindsay cuts the blue wires which stops her bomb)

Beth: "She did it! My BFF did it! (she hugs Lindsay) I'm sorry I ever doubted you!"

Harold: "Woohoo, yeah!"

Heather: "Wow. Lindsay actually did something right for once."

Duncan: "Save the celebration. We still have six more barrels and only fifty-three more seconds."

Heather: "The blue wire, cut the blue wire!"

Harold: (He bites the blue wire.) "Done!"

Duncan: (he pulls the blue wire apart) "And... done!"

Beth: (she uses her glasses to burn the blue wire) "Done!"

Justin: (he reflects the light of his mirror to burn the blue wire) "Done!"

Heather: [she uses her sharp nail to cut the blue wire] "Done!"

Courtney: (she cuts the blue wire with the wire cutters) "So done."

Harold: "We did it!"

Lindsay: "I'm so smartest."

Justin: "Brain, this just might be the start of a beautiful friendship."

Heather: "Wait a minute. We cut the wires, but why am I still hearing ticking?" (the timers are still going)

(Lindsay gasps.)

Beth: "This can't be!"

Justin: Brain, we are so over!

Courtney: "Nooooooo!" (the bombs explode, and everyone is skunked as we cut to Chris)

Chris: "What? Obviously, we're not gonna wire each bomb exactly the same way. That would be way too easy for our production crew. And no fun for me." [laughs]

(We now cut to the contestants in a huge tub of Tomato soup.)

Lindsay: "Tomato soup is so good for your skin. The Vitamin C in tomatoes boosts collagen and provides skin texture, firmness, and tone."

Justin: (he rises from being submerged) "Agh, with this hideous facial deformity, I'll need all the help I can get, sister."

Chef: "Glad you like it... (he tosses some straws in) 'cause it's also dinner." [chuckles]

Beth: "Ew!"

Courtney: [clears throat] "Excuse me. Don't I get a de-stinking bath too?"

Heather: "No. No no no. The deal was that we split the million with you if we won. But I suppose we could let you in, if you nix the fifty-fifty split."

Courtney: "Ha! Not on your life. You wish."

Heather: "Okay then. Have a nice life with everyone shunning you."

Courtney: "Fine! Deal's off!" (She gets in as Chris arrives wearing a gas mask)

Chris: [muffled] "Is everybody having fun yet? Courtney and Lindsay, as the winners of the first and second challenges, you get the reward! An all expense paid trip to..."

Courtney: "Paris? New York? London?"

Lindsay: "The mall? (Everyone looks at her awkwardly.) What? It's the place where magical dreams happen."

Chris: (Muffled.) "Nice try, but no. It's an all expense paid trip to... a local cheese factory! (Courtney is unamused as Lindsay claps) While on tour, you'll get to sample all the cheeses of the world, from blue cheese to green cheese to head cheese, which isn't technically a cheese, but reeks just the same."

Lindsay: "Isn't it great, Courtney? We get to cut the cheese together!"

Heather: "Probably should have phrased that better."

Courtney: "One, I'm lactose intolerant. Two, I don't like you. And three, I can't reach my lawyers so they can get me out of this!"

Harold: "Hey, Chris? How long do we have to soak until the stink wears off?"

Chris: [muffled] "Oh, I'd say another twelve hours should do." (Harold dives in)

(We now cut to Chris, without his gas-mask.)

Chris: "The teams are no more. Let's see how these stinkers do on their own next time on Total... Drama... Action!" (The cat attacks him again)

(End credits.)

Stay tuned for episode 17!