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Chapter 188
The Light
Leah
Then everything went black around me. Black and desolate. And this black desolation was tenacious. I had no idea where I was or how I was. Whether I was still at all ... Well, yes. I guess I still had to be. If I were no longer alive, I would be spared these images. Those last minutes in the forest, how Nanuk died in my arms, ran against the deep blackness in an endless loop. Over and over and over again. I could do nothing about it. Again and again I saw in Nanuk's eyes how life was draining out of it. Unchangeable. Agonizingly. Taking along my courage to live. Countless times. I didn't know how much time passed. Hours? Days? Weeks? Or even months? I had no clue. No sense of time. The black fog held me captive, letting nothing else touch me, forcing me incessantly to witness my beloved's last breaths. To hear his last words.
"I love you, Leah! Never forget that!" Nanuk breathed lovingly at me anew each time, with the last strength he could muster.
However, I did not see what I had seen after that.
How he had met me again dressed all in white.
I had probably only imagined it.
That was about the only thing I realized during that time. Otherwise, I had no real thoughts.
The agony that the images gave me every time tore my thoughts apart already to some extent, so that I could actually do nothing but watch this scene over and over again.
And every time it tore me up inside with pain.
Only once did the hallucination of Nanuk in white repeat itself.
One single time.
Actually, it wasn't really a repeat.
Hallucination/Dream?
He emerged from the mist with his arms folded in front of his chest. He looked sad and didn't say a word for a long time.
"Have you forgotten how beautiful the world is?" he wanted to know from me, sounding infinitely disappointed.
I did not answer.
I actually didn't even know if I would have been able to do that. But without him, nothing could be beautiful anymore.
"Look at it, Leah!" he urged me, and left.
As if in a dream, I went after him.
It didn't feel real, and I didn't see anything - except him - showing me the way.
Not wanting to lose sight of him, I hurried before he would no longer be visible in the dense wall of fog.
"Careful," he said gently, but a moment later I slammed into something.
I instinctively resisted the invisible wall - or whatever it was - that seemed to separate me from Nanuk. I pushed my hands against it and my way was free, so that I could follow him further.
Its contours blurred and the three-colored wolf was waiting for me.
I was still surprised that no clothes flew tattered through the area, but I did it to him. Where I got the strength for it, I did not know, but Nanuk had fanned the fire in me. And he kept stoking it while we ran side by side through my shadow world. How long we ran, I didn't know either, but at some point he stopped, suddenly standing there again in his white clothes. He seemed to look into the void.
"It's like you can overlook the entire world from here," he mused, deep in thought. "It's beautiful," he continued, before turning to me. "And yet not nearly as beautiful as you," he gently stroked over my face.
I closed my eyes, concentrated on his touch ...
I thought I felt a slight tingling on my skin. Maybe I was just imagining it, but I wanted more of it. I wanted to feel his closeness. I spread my arms, wanted to embrace him, but ...
"Leah! No! Go back! You're falling!" he yelled at me, but he couldn't keep me from doing it.
I jumped off. Right into his arms. I didn't feel them, although he held them open to me. I fell through him and somehow I felt like a light feather in the wind. I was still wondering what exactly his face had meant. It had been panic-stricken and with eyes widened in terror, but I didn't particularly care. More important to me was why I didn't see him now. Why I wasn't with him. Why I was not allowed to be to him.
Hallucination end
"Why?", I apparently really brought over my lips.
I wasn't sure of that, because it had sounded so strange. So muffled. Nanuk was gone and I recognized nothing except the deep rich black around me. Shadows that surrounded me completely.
For a long time, that was the only little diversion in my endless loop, which wore me down more with every repetition. I was somewhere between life and death. I felt it. And with every new repetition I slid closer to death. I felt that too, but I didn't care. All I really wondered was how long I must endure this. Or could. Mom came to my mind. How she had told about her abyss. The dark hole in which she lay helpless. I now knew what she had been trying to express. Now I was lying in that dark hole, enveloped by dark shadows that wouldn't let me go. That had already taken possession of me for too long. So this is how it would end. Lonely, cold and gloomy ...
So I was lying there - at least I assumed I was lying somewhere - waiting for it the end.
I had no reason to assume anything else. I felt sorry for Mom. And Jake. And Dad, of course. They were going to be pretty sad. Maybe as much as I was. Whether they were with me, I couldn't even tell. I assumed they were, because when I thought about it, I didn't feel alone. In fact, I felt protected. However, I didn't know why it felt that way. I saw nothing - except the darkness. I heard nothing but my own very sluggish thoughts. And I felt nothing but unspeakable sorrow ... down to every fiber of my body. Until I saw a faint light. I don't know who or what was responsible for that light, but I barely let it out of my sight. It somehow calmed me the longer it was there, and it was like it was showing me the way. As if it were coming closer. At the breakneck speed of maybe a centimeter a year! When I didn't see it, I got scared. Fear of the dark. I became increasingly aggressive when it wasn't there. A panic reaction, because then everything was dark again. And with the light came warmth. The feeling of loneliness, cold and gloom left me. Little by little, the shadows receded from me. Very slowly. It was a hard test for my patience, because I was also curious what this light was. And then I reached the light, and the dark mist was gone.
Strange. Everything was still dark. But the longer in now indecisive and quite disappointed stared through this darkness, the more contours I could see.
I was in my room.
I could have imagined that somehow. And I was not alone. I felt strange arms. I was lying with my head on an angled one of them, the other one was around my belly. I couldn't tell who was with me, though. My guess was Mom. It felt too warm for Dad, too cold for Jake. David also came to mind, but I thought that was too weird. Then Dad would rather be with me. Maybe my senses were just too dulled to be able to interpret anything correctly. I couldn't manage to move to see who lay behind me. Whose breath I could feel on the back of my neck. I couldn't even bring my head down a bit to look at the arm. I only noticed the weight of the body part on me. An underlying burning sensation paralyzed me somewhat, but more likely I simply had no strength. My eyes were the only thing I could move, and they roamed around my room.
Looked exactly as I remembered it.
Somehow this disappointed me, but I also didn't know what I had expected. I closed my eyes again and tried to relax. To examine my room in the darkness had been exhausting. So I mentally examined myself.
I could make out all my body parts. Feet, hands, my head, arms, legs. I was pretty sure I could at least twitch a little with everything. Nothing really hurt me - except my heart. However, I doubted that school medicine would change anything.
Only when I heard my bedroom door open shortly afterwards did I open my eyes again. A glow of light penetrated through the now open door.
Although it was dim, it blinded me, but I recognized Mom and Dad.
I smiled.
Or at least tried to.
I felt as if I hadn't seen my parents in ages.
"Leah, my darling," Mom whispered, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Little one," Dad said as he squatted next to me.
"Hi ...", I mumbled at first. I enjoyed for a moment that they were just there. That I noticed how Mom held my hand and Dad stroked over my head. That I saw very clearly that I wasn't alone.
"You weren't alone the whole time," Dad assured me, giving me a kiss on the forehead.
He looked like he was about to start crying.
"How are you feeling?" asked Mom, who was actually wiping along her eye.
"I don't know," I admitted, looking at Dad. Talking was exhausting me. I felt weak and powerless, so I couldn't manage to really move. I didn't feel any physical pain. Only the sorrow of Nanuk. And seeing both of my parents in front of me, I wondered who I continued to feel breathing into my nape behind me.
"You missed a few days, Little one. You've drifted off into your own little world," Dad said.
'A dark world,' I added mentally. 'Everything had been black and desolate.'
Dad nodded.
"This is how I saw it. We didn't reach you in this world and we became more and more afraid with each day that you would never emerge from this world. You didn't notice any of us. That's when Bella had an idea," Dad explained.
"I hope you're not mad at me," Mom began, looking down guiltily at our hands.
She hesitated, apparently also seeking to encourage herself briefly by looking at the person who definitely lay with me.
"I asked Marcus for help," she finished, when she did look me in the eyes again.
For a moment I forgot to breathe, and a heartbeat thundered in my ears while my eyes widened.
Marcus. Here! With me!
I squinted my eyes quickly, trying to calm myself down inside, concentrating on what I felt from him ...
Yes, that was Marcus. I recognized his smell. The distant memory of a walk on the beach at sunset. Even the way his arm was around me suddenly felt very familiar. It made me uncomfortable ... Well, I mean, it seemed inappropriate for me to lie here like this with my ex-boyfriend.
But Dad had already reacted to my thoughts, taking Marcus' arm from me and pulling me onto his arms.
"I'll take you downstairs to the sofa," he murmured as he did so.
'Wait,' I thought, however, as he was already rising with me. I wanted to see Marcus. To be sure that it was really him.
Dad turned with me so that I could look at my bed. I even managed to lift my head a little.
He was really lying there. Marcus. Fully dressed, which somehow surprised me. Only his shoes were on the floor. He looked peaceful. A handsome peaceful man. Except that he wasn't Nanuk.
My head fell against Dad's shoulder, and we left my room.
He bedded me on the sofa in dim light with pillows and a blanket.
The blanket was important. I shivered a little. Strange feeling. I had almost forgotten how it felt to freeze.
"Is there anything we can do for you?" asked Mom.
"Are you hungry or thirsty?" added Dad.
"Yes," I summarized. Because my lack of strength felt like I simply didn't have enough energy.
Dad smiled and immediately jumped up; Mom stayed sitting with me.
"We were so afraid for you," she murmured.
"I was scared too," I managed to say, closing my eyes doing so. "Everything was so dark, and no one seemed to be there. And again and again I saw Nanuk, how he was in my arms and ...", I stammered. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about it. Nanuk was gone. Irretrievably gone.
Mom got me tissues, dabbed my cheeks with them, and when I opened my eyes on them again, I cringed.
"Mom. What happened to you?", I asked.
The left side of her face looked like she had been in a fight. Significant redness and swelling around the eye. There was a large band-aid on her forehead. On her cheek, you could see a laceration. I had not seen it until now. Upstairs in my room that side had been in shadow and down here I had only seen the other side. Until now.
"Oh ... It looks worse than it is," she waved it off.
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.
"You can't even fool your daughter!" Dad noted as he came back to us with a plate and a cup.
My eyes narrowed even more skeptically as I glanced at the plate.
Two dry slices of toast. That was not Dad's seriousness, was it?!
"Yes, it is! You haven't had anything to eat for the last few days, which is why you should start slowly so you don't get sick. Your stomach needs to get used to getting food again," he explained.
While I was now somewhat reluctantly nibbling on the slices of toast - nice and slow, as I was reminded several times - my parents told me what I had missed since Monday evening. Starting with what had happened in the woods, which I had no recollection of. I had attacked Dad. That I could hardly believe. Also, Dad dejectedly told how my heart had stopped beating. So did Jake's. That I could believe.
"How's Jake doing?", I inquired. I didn't hear him. However, I didn't hear Marcus either, even though I knew he was lying above us.
"Your senses don't seem to be quite up to snuff yet, but I'm sure that will settle down quickly," Dad replied to my thoughts.
"Jake is fine. He's over at the other house with Becky," Mom, on the other hand, answered my question.
Too bad. I would love to have Jake around. Becky, too, I added with a smile in my thoughts. The two belonged together, after all.
I hadn't finished thinking when Dad was already typing away on his cell phone.
"You are connected to each other. In that respect, he will certainly want to be with you to see that you're back among us. Provided he wakes up at some point and looks at his phone. It's still a little early," Dad said. "It's Sunday and not five in the morning," he added when I was about to ask about it.
I snuggled into his arms. Mom leaned against me, and Dad continued to tell me what I hadn't noticed in the last few days.
How he had brought Nanuk to his parents' house and us here with Jasper. How I had been in my bed ever since, having regular seizures.
I wonder if that had always been the moment when my infinite loop reached the bitter end? With Nanuk in my arms?
Dad thought that this would be very likely. Cathlyn and Brandon had been here. Lisa had also asked about me, but had probably only spoken briefly with Jake. Since then she phoned Jake and Becky every evening to hear about my state of health since my parents had practically forbidden any visits. That had been easier than explaining to Lisa the reasons for my condition, since she hadn't known about Nanuk. He told me about the 'Banana Bags' that Carlisle had given me twice a day, and about the exams that he and Jake had taken on Thursday after all. By then, my condition had apparently not changed. But when they came home from school at noon, I had been gone.
"I did that?" I asked, startled, looking at Mom. Or rather the injuries she had on her face. "I'm sorry, Mom!", I said through tears and hugged my mom as tight as I could. Well, more like she hugged me.
"It's okay, my sweetheart. We assumed you weren't aware of it," Mom stroked over my head comfortingly.
They went on telling.
Jake and Dad had run after me into the woods and on Dad's arms I came back here. After I had jumped off a cliff.
This information made me tremble. I would have jumped to my death? By a hair? If Dad had come even a moment later?
Mom and I were now crying together, but Dad held us.
"It was a very difficult afternoon for us," Dad continued in a whisper. "The despair over your act. The uncertainty about whether you could have done it willingly. The helplessness we were in, not knowing if your condition would ever change again. But in all that despair, Jake found his way back to himself ..."
With that, Dad managed to lift my spirits again.
Jake, my little brother, kept the family together in his own way. By snottily depriving Dad of responsibility. I thought that was kind of funny. It wasn't like him at all.
During the narration of Nanuk's funeral, I cried again. It had been an appropriate farewell. It made me very sad that I hadn't said 'goodbye' to Nanuk myself.
"How did Kate do with it?", I asked as I did so, though.
"She doesn't know anything about Nanuk wanting to break his engagement with her. To that extent, she is mourning the loss of her fiancé," Mom said.
I nodded.
Could I somehow understand that she had not been told that, but so Kate continued to believe a lie. Or was it even the slander of what Nanuk and I had had in common? Even if it had only been a few hours? That the Latham family had deliberately deleted me from this story?
"But no, Little one. They only didn't tell her about you and Nanuk because it wouldn't change anything for her. To learn that she had already lost Nanuk before his passing would possibly only make her unnecessarily angry. His family has not forgotten you and has given importance to your place at Nanuk's side. They had brought a little flower arrangement for you, intended only for family members as a final farewell. In yours there was a pink rose. That's how much they already knew and accepted you ... Jake gave it to Nanuk in your place. Along with a stone, but I don't know its meaning," Dad said.
So I told, mumbling, what this stone - this half heart - was all about. How we had found it by chance at our first meeting at the lake and had divided it in the middle. As a sign that our hearts were also divided. His beat for Kate and me. Mine for him and Marcus. Which brought me to the question of why exactly Marcus was here.
Mom told how it had come about.
On Friday he had been with me for a few hours and since yesterday morning almost continuously. Unlike the days before, I had been quiet around him all the time. And now finally woke up.
"But why Marcus?", I didn't understand.
"We don't know why it is," Mom replied, bringing me more toast,
Again only two slices!
"We're just very grateful that it is and that you're back with us today," Dad added meaningfully, stroking over my cheek gently.
I began to nibble while thinking about Marcus.
My head was still working very very sluggishly. Whether that was because of the last few days, the early hour, or the lack of food, I couldn't decide. But those were only partly the reasons why I didn't really get to think. Another reason just arrived on the terrace.
I grinned as Jake stormed through the living room stark naked.
My grin died abruptly when I recognized myself as his target. I lacked both the ability to react and the strength to flee.
Dad quickly got in his way, so Jake practically slammed into him.
"Not so hasty, Jake. Leah won't run away from you," he admonished him, but immediately made room for him.
My head leaned weakly against the cushion since Dad was no longer sitting with me.
Jake had taken the hint. He sat down next to me quite carefully, raised a hand against my cheek and just looked at me.
Sometimes we didn't need words to understand each other.
"You're nice warm," I murmured.
Jake smiled, slid closer to me, pulled the blanket over both of us, and I was in my brother's warming arms.
Like in childhood days, when we had warmed each other after a cold afternoon outside. The only thing missing was hot cocoa with little marshmallows in it and the movie 'Big Hero 6'. Jake and I could almost recite it word for word, we had seen it so often.
Becky was here, too, by the way, of course.
Dad had received her on the patio after Jake had virtually rumbled into the house.
She yawned heartily on her way to me. Mom made some room for her.
"It's good to have you back with us!" said Becky emphatically, hugging me, dropping down on the sofa on my other side and leaning against me.
She was apparently still quite tired.
No wonder. It was not yet six o'clock on Sunday morning. Who knows what time they had gotten to bed. So, to sleep. Next to each other.
I sighed comfortably with my eyes closed as we snuggled together. Only my little brother was missing to make the family complete. The proximity did me good.
"Where have you been?" asked Jake in a whisper.
"Don't ask. It wasn't nice there," I mumbled back.
"So how are you?"
"Don't ask. I'm not sure yet," I replied.
For a few minutes I enjoyed the peace and quiet among my family until I heard a vague rumbling upstairs.
"Leah!", I heard someone ask between various rumblings, startled.
Instantly, I opened my eyes and just barely saw Dad disappearing on the stairs. I tried to concentrate on my senses. Whether these were so slowly back.
I actually heard what was happening upstairs. Baby's cry. Probably Ced had been woken up by the rumbling.
"Marcus! Take it easy," Dad tried to calm him down.
Sounded like they were in the hallway.
"Leah is downstairs. She woke up a little over an hour ago," he added.
"She's conscious?!" asked Marcus more specifically.
I couldn't really interpret his tone of voice. Did he sound relieved?
"Yes, she is," Dad confirmed.
"Thank God!"
Yes, that really sounded like relief.
"Jake and Becky are here, too, sitting on the couch with her," Dad added to that.
A door opened, another was pulled or pushed into the lock, Dad whispered something. Ced was definitely getting quieter, the toilet flush was almost droning all over the house. Well, it only seemed that way because it was so quiet in the house.
I got a little nervous in an undefined way and nestled a little more into Jake's arms.
Marcus. He would surely come down in a moment. What should I do then? How should I behave? He was my ex-boyfriend after all. And yet he had spent the night with me. With me in his arms. What did he expect from me because of that?
"Don't worry, little sis. He doesn't expect anything from you," Jake interfered with my mental panic, which made me look up at him.
I smirked a little.
As I said, Jake and I sometimes understood each other wordlessly, but that it was so word-for-word accurate didn't happen quite so often now.
"Except maybe a little smile," Jake added.
A little smile. I could certainly manage that, and Marcus was entitled to it. He had been with me. For hours. Although I'm sure he had better things to do.
And then I heard footsteps on the stairs.
I held my breath, but didn't really know why, and looked in that direction.
Marcus walked slowly and peered unusually cautiously into the living room, even while he was still on the stairs. He also bridged the further way rather cautiously.
This tentativeness I didn't know from him. Not anymore. He had been more at home here than with his mother, and accordingly he had moved freely around the house. And there was not much left of his instilled distraction to closeness - especially to the opposite sex. I had even completely forgotten the rather brutal upbringing of his father - until this moment. But Marcus seemed as if he had not forgotten this, but as if he had always kept to it, always and everywhere. Without exception.
With a shy look, he stopped behind the living room table.
I smiled, awkwardly freed my hand from the blanket and held it out to him.
It made me happy to see him.
Jake also pushed me a little more upright, which I wanted but couldn't have done on my own.
Marcus then came closer and sat down in front of me on the low table. He took my offered hand in his.
A delicate touch. That didn't feel so much wrong as I would have suspected.
"Thank you for being there," I said sincerely and emphatically before he could say anything.
"Don't thank me, Leah. It was only natural after Bella told me what happened and how you're doing with it," Marcus replied.
"I don't think it's that natural. After all, we're not together anymore."
"No, we're not," he agreed, whereby he looked at our hands.
He breathed deeply once before looking at me again.
Jake, by the way, just pretended he wasn't even there.
"But we are still friends ... and ... friends help each other. Even though I doubt I did anything to help you be awake now. But I'm very glad to see that you're feeling better."
"You've done more than you'll probably believe," I opined.
A little surprised, he looked at me.
"But I didn't do anything," he replied, confused.
"You showed me the way. You were my light in the darkness," I tried to explain that - murmuring softly.
I lacked any justification for it, and it was a bit embarrassing for me. Simply because we were no longer together. He shouldn't have had such an impact on me. But from the way Mom and Dad had told it, I was convinced that he had been the light that had reassured and guided me in the darkness. It had been there at some point, some time after I had followed Nanuk into the woods. Also, the sections where it was then dark again seemed to match the periods when Marcus was not there. However, I had to admit that I had lost all sense of time in the last few days. Marcus, however, didn't seem to know anything to say in response. I wouldn't know in his place either. Or in my own.
So we were silent ... until we heard china clattering softly against each other in the kitchen.
"Maybe I'd better go now then. You have a few days catching up to do with your family," Marcus said softly, pulling his hand back and about to get up.
"You're not going anywhere until you've had breakfast!" determined Mom, however, smiling implacably before I had a fuller understanding of his words.
She placed a tray on the table, right next to Marcus.
Four cups were on it, and it didn't look like coffee. It was hot cocoa with mini marshmallows.
I smiled in surprise overwhelmed.
Okay, I could have expected that from our parents after thinking about our childhood earlier.
"And since Becky is already more asleep than awake again, breakfast is going to be a while coming," I then heard Dad enter the living room behind Marcus.
"Damn it!" whispered Jake softly to himself in response.
Dad brought Ced, who was sitting on his arm rubbing his tired little eyes. He looked a little crumpled.
But was it a miracle if you were woken up in the middle of the night by some rumbling?
"Leah!" he then stated when he saw me and excitedly held out his arms to me.
"Bella is right, Marcus. You should take in something. Besides, it's still plenty early for a Sunday morning," Dad said, carefully placing the short one on my lap.
Unfortunately, my motor skills were still not really working better, which obviously did not escape Marcus. I only managed to embrace my chirpy little brother with one arm, which wasn't enough support for him though, while Jake was still hugging me warmly under the blanket. So Marcus made sure that Ced didn't slip off my legs as Ced hugged me extensively, pressing a kiss to my cheek, babbling at me questioningly, and showing me in his own way how pleased he was that I was no longer lying motionless in bed.
"I missed you too," I countered his detailed thoughts on the matter.
Dad, meanwhile, had been busy with the television.
However, I had to go to the bathroom to get through the time span of a movie and was thinking about how I could possibly accomplish that.
But my dad wouldn't be my dad if he didn't look over my situation, which was really embarrassing right now. He pressed the pause button right at the point when the title faded in.
While I looked up, I simply lacked the words. Or thoughts. Speechless, I simply looked at my parents in amazement. Grateful to have such parents. The movie 'Big Hero 6' was switched on.
Dad issued 'orders': Becky would certainly want something more comfortable to wear, and Jake in general. Marcus and Mom were to make themselves comfortable on the sofa, with him taking another blanket for Mom from the closet.
Jake carried his star - naked as he had arrived without a blanket - upstairs.
Dad then lifted me off the sofa and carried me into the bathroom.
"Thanks, Dad," I muttered.
"May I ask what exactly you're embarrassed about? After all, it's something quite natural as a human being to have to relieve oneself."
"Yeah, sure. But usually you just leave without announcing it in front of everybody."
"So you're embarrassed that you can't just leave right now?"
"Yes ... No ... Don't know."
Dad smirked sweetly.
Just as he always did when his vampiric mind was overwhelmed with human logic.
Dad also got me something else to wear from my room. I was cold and only wore pretty thin short clothes.
We were both pretty silent.
I knew how uncomfortable it was for Dad to help me, of all people, with things like this, but he didn't let on. And I hated being dependent on outside help.
"You get that from your mother," Dad smirked. "I'm your father, Little one. I don't mind helping you out," he added, while holding me by the sink so I could at least wash a little.
I was actually in need of a shower, but I didn't want to tackle that until after breakfast.
"But didn't you say something else?"
"It is not proper for a father to get so close to his adult daughter and invade her privacy - especially her physical privacy. Nevertheless, I would do anything for you. It's a contradictory subject, I admit," he tried to explain it, while looking at me over the mirror.
I wasn't sure I could understand his point of view on that, but it didn't really matter. He was my dad, and he was there for me. So was Mom. Nothing else mattered.
He carried me back, but from the stairs I could already see Marcus sitting on the sofa with a cup. He was sitting with his back to us and Ced was sitting right in front of him, peeking uncomprehendingly and holding one of Marcus' fingers.
I wondered what the two of them had to talk about.
Jake and Becky also already had their cups in their hands and were snuggling under a blanket, but I was less interested in them right now.
"Ced's confused," Dad whispered to me, not moving on for the moment. "He asked Marcus if he belongs again now, the same way he used to. But he can't understand Marcus' answer."
"What did he answer?", I asked curiously.
"That too much has happened for things to go back to the way they were before Nanuk," Dad said softly.
I just nodded and let my head fall against his shoulder.
That was true. Too much had happened, but I didn't want to think now about all I had lost.
Dad went ahead and sat me down next to Jake on our couch. My twin immediately turned so that I could lean against him again and he wrapped an arm around my body so I could get his warmth. Dad handed me my cup and moved another blanket over me. He sat himself down between Mom and me, and Marcus with Ced and his bottle sat at Mom's feet. Thus bedded and armed with cocoa, Dad then started the movie.
'Big Hero 6' was a children's film in theory. In practice, however, we found it very good even today. Mom also had a good time watching it. And for Ced, it was the first movie he ever really watched. He was peeking intently at the TV. However, none of us got to see the end of the movie. All the persons with human gene parts fell asleep.
It was around nine o'clock when I blinked and looked at the clock. Still sleepy, I nevertheless snuggled further into Jake's warmth.
It was so beautifully warm.
But voices came to me softly.
"... the pictures caught me stone cold," I recognized Marcus.
"Ced still lacks an understanding of tact or subtlety, and he's too young to grasp the big picture. He didn't mean to hurt you with that, he's just trying to understand," Dad replied to that.
I suspected the two of them in the kitchen, because I also heard cutlery clinking.
"I know, and I'm not angry with him. It was just ...", Marcus was searching for words.
"Like a slap in the face?" helped Dad.
For a moment I heard nothing.
"Those memories Ced showed you of Leah and Nanuk stirred up some things inside you. The question is, what do any of them end up doing to you?"
"As illogical as this may sound, they make me pretty mad on the one hand, but they also help me at the same time," Marcus explained. "Pissed off because she replaced me pretty quickly. After only a week. Call me naive if you want, but I thought we had something special. That nothing and no one could ever break us apart. Maybe it's simple-minded to have thought of it that way, but that's how it always seemed to me. That's what I really believed."
And I had also believed in it. Until I met Nanuk.
"You are not naive. Of course, everyone has a bit of a belief that their relationship will last through eternity. At least everyone who takes their relationship seriously. So you're truly not alone in that. But in your case, you had every reason to assume that. Your love was indeed something special. Even Jasper once said that your connection was stronger than it should be among humans ... Maybe that's why Leah perceived you as the only one in her darkness. Not her mother, who spent a lifetime trying to protect her from everything and gave her life, and also not Jake, with whom she is connected in several supernatural ways at once. Whatever exactly existed between you is very intense and it continues to endure. You're the only one who has reached her. And it made her fight against the imprinting. Out of love for you."
"Yeah, I know. I have no right to be angry," Marcus said downright defiantly.
"And yet you are," Dad stated.
"Above all, I can't tell anyone! Nobody would believe it me. No one who doesn't know the wolfish background to this ... It's not like I'm really mad at Leah. She had no choice but to comply with the imprinting, and I wanted nothing more than that."
"But then what is your anger focused on?" Dad dug deeper.
"I don't know either," Marcus evaded, but Dad seemed to have an answer for him there.
"You left to allow her to do just that without any feelings of guilt. If you had stayed, those memories would very likely not exist. However, Nanuk might still be alive then because he wouldn't have been in the forest at that moment. But you had no choice. It was not foreseeable that Nanuk would pass away. In that respect, you have no choice but to stop being angry with yourself!"
Neither of the two spoke a word, but the silence lasted only for a moment.
"When did you stop being angry at yourself after you left Bella back then?"
"On New Year's Eve," Dad answered promptly.
I heard his smile.
"That night I realized that all the decisions I had made up to that point had led me right there. Whether these decisions were good or bad in retrospect is absolutely irrelevant. I'm here, in the midst of my family ... And to what extent do Ced's memories help you?"
"I've been thinking a lot in the last two weeks. About Leah, about me, about us. Ever since Jake was with me, ever since I knew Leah wasn't going to tell him I'd broken up with her, I'd been thinking more and more about whether leaving was really the right thing to do. And I've questioned it more and more. I don't know if I would have come here on my own at some point ... Whether it was to get the certainty that she had forgotten me at his side ... Be it that she would take me back ... I don't know ... I have always forbidden myself such thoughts in the end, but they always came back ... But now I have been given the certainty. Ced's memories have made me realize that far too much has happened. Leah is no longer the girl I left two weeks ago. Nanuk has changed everything. Don't get me wrong. This isn't an accusation or anything. She didn't cheat on me; she was free and could do whatever she wanted. She got involved with Nanuk in every way, built on the fact that it was going to be like it was between Jake and Becky. And now he's ... I'm so sorry for Leah. I had wished her to be happy, even if not with me. But now Leah has to deal with a world where Nanuk no longer exists. I'm sure she'll have to take a long time to get over that, and she'll first have to figure out who she really is without him."
Yes, he was right about that. I no longer knew who I actually was. With Nanuk at my side, my world had changed. But now this world was in shards. Shards of which I did not know how to put them together.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
"And are you going to help her figure that out?" asked Dad, whereby I didn't know what to make of it.
"We can't pick up where we left off two weeks ago!" immediately rebuffed Marcus.
"I know that, and that's not what I was getting at at all. But you said you were friends and that friends help each other."
"And what do you think that should look like?"
"Let's start with you bringing Leah her cup. She's awake," I heard Dad smirk.
As soon as the words were transformed into meaningful information, I already felt the heat rising in my head.
I had been eavesdropping. During a conversation that was somehow about me, but that Marcus definitely wanted to keep confidential. Completely confidentially! A proof of it was for example that Marcus gave on it no tone from itself and moved apparently also no millimeter.
"What ... I mean ... how much ... did she ... overhear?", Marcus brought up another evidence for that.
Quite softly whispering and stammering, so that I began to chuckle.
"I'm certainly not going to betray my daughter!" clarified Dad, however.
"You called me son once!", Marcus wanted to clarify insulted - continuing to whisper.
Sounded like a desperate straw.
"Nevertheless!", Dad remained firm.
I heard a surrendering sigh and tentative footsteps.
My cheeks had recovered somewhat from the initial heat when I opened my eyes. I saw Marcus appear in front of me and how he squatted down in front of me.
A slightly reddish tinge was around his nose.
"Hi ...", I meant.
"Good morning, Leah," he replied.
If he had seemed embarrassed at first, his expression changed as he stroked over my cheeks and wiped away the tears. His look was worried and sad.
"How do you feel?" he asked, velvety smooth.
"Don't know yet." I really didn't know yet. The overheard conversation had stirred me up a bit and on my physical condition I hadn't paid any attention yet.
I tried to sit up a bit, which didn't really work. When I tried to lean on one arm, it buckled without strength.
So Marcus helped me with that, however I had already woken up Jake, who I had fallen on due to my clumsy attempts.
He grumbled to himself until he realized who he was more or less laying on. Namely on Becky.
What made me smirk a little bit, however, Marcus did not pay attention to.
Marcus' eyes were attentively fixed on me.
Just attentive, not kind of probing or anything. Not at all unpleasant.
When I sat upright on the sofa, Marcus handed me my cup, which he had placed on the table and which I could just hold by myself.
"Edward forbids you coffee for now," he said almost apologetically.
It almost came across as believable if he wasn't smirking so much while doing it.
I got another cocoa, but this time without marshmallows. Rather disgruntled, I sipped on the cup.
I had really been looking forward to a hot coffee.
"Give your body a little time to recover from the rigors of the last few days before you give it caffeine," Dad purred over my shoulder, adding a few marshmallows to my cup and pressing a kiss to my temple.
Dad could be really persuasive.
However, I watched with a critical eye as Jake and Becky each got a coffee.
Dad then turned to Mom, who was lounging in the corner of the sofa with Ced. She was getting coffee, too.
So when we were all awake, Dad announced that breakfast was served.
My stomach growled loudly in response.
Damn, it all looked delicious.
Jake carried me, blanket included, to the table.
I was still quite cool and felt quite weak. But the latter I thought to change with an extensive breakfast.
Dad, however, had other plans for me and my stomach.
One part, I was not allowed more. He again used the same argument as this morning with the two measly slices of toast: I should slowly get my stomach used to eating again.
So I took the biggest croissant I could find. I was allowed to have a bit of scrambled eggs after all, and I enjoyed every bite of it.
During the meal, they brought me up to date a bit on what had been going on outside our home.
It all strained me more than I had anticipated. The concentration on the conversations, the laborious movements of eating, keeping myself upright on the chair, even though I was leaning against Dad as much as possible.
So after breakfast, they put me back on the sofa while everyone else cleared the table.
Jake and Becky disappeared upstairs for now.
Marcus had also gone upstairs, but now I heard him in the kitchen thanking my parents for breakfast and saying goodbye.
"We thank you for the last two days, Marcus," Mom just said. "We know how hard it's been for you!"
"Maybe it will be easier now," Marcus, on the other hand, seemed to consider. "The talking earlier did good."
"We can do this again anytime. Whenever you feel the need or just because. I had wanted to visit you anyway, but the circumstances didn't give me the opportunity for that. For one thing, I wanted to know how you were doing. You will always be a part of our family, even if you are no longer together with Leah. In that sense, we will always care about you. On the other hand, I wanted to give you the opportunity to talk freely about everything. It's important that you don't keep your grief bottled up, but that you deal with it and get it off your chest," Dad said.
"I'm sure we'll meet again, little vampire," he seemed to be saying goodbye to Ced now. "Swimming? You're serious?" he asked a moment later.
I smirked.
They had told me in detail that Ced was still a little water rat and took every opportunity to do so.
"I'll see when I can set that up," Marcus said rather diplomatically.
I heard how Ced chortled joyfully.
Then Marcus came to me at the couch.
"How's the big strong she-wolf?" he asked, buoyant.
"At the moment, less big and strong," I replied annoyed. Strictly speaking, this really got on my nerves. Both the question itself, and the fact that it just was.
Marcus smiled serenely.
"I know this goes against the grain for you. You're too strong and spirited to just lie around like that. But even the strongest wolf needs a breather sometimes and is allowed to let the people around them mother them. Just enjoy it, as long as you can't fight it anyway."
"That's easy for you to say," I opined. He could go wherever he wanted, do whatever he wanted, and I had to lie around here haphazardly. To make matters worse, he could eat his fill!
"Yeah, I guess that's true," he admitted.
"So you're going," I then stated.
He nodded.
"Will we see each other again sometime?", however, I inquired.
"I don't know, but I'd love to hear from you sometime. I'd like to know how you're doing. Or if there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to call me. If you need me, I'll be there," he assured. "As friends should," he added.
"So we remain friends?"
"We're friends, Leah ... Very good friends," he emphasized meekly.
That calmed me down.
Then Marcus left.
He wasn't gone very long when all of a sudden all the vampires stood in our living room.
Everyone wanted to see me.
I would have loved to jump up and run into the forest until they were all gone again.
Carlisle examined me and was only moderately pleased with the results. I should take care of myself. Alice and Rose helped me shower and dress. Esmé made me a snack and Emmett entertained Ced, while my parents also temporarily retired for their morning hygiene. Jasper, meanwhile, chatted with Jake and Becky, who in the meantime had been washed, showered, and dressed.
Fortunately, they all did not stay long. The doctor had ordered rest and recuperation.
I slept a lot that day.
When I woke up, someone else would sit with me each time.
Dad, who had pulled my feet onto his lap while he read. Ced, who was babbling to himself on the floor next to me. Jake and Becky, sitting in the corner of the sofa, one behind the other, looking at a laptop together. Mom, who was quietly talking on the phone. At one point, I even saw Emma. Another time, a purple plush Kraken lay on my shoulder.
The important thing was, they were all there, without crowding me or coddling me too much. It was pleasant and I felt quite simply sheltered.
And every time I woke up, there was something else to eat next to me on the table.
A fruit salad, a sandwich, cookies, salad, a little - very little! - piece of cake.
When I saw a bottle of blood standing there, however, I screwed up my face. Before I could ask whether my blood values had changed in the direction of vampire, Dad had already exchanged the bottle for a small bowl of ice.
I also heard quite a bit, much of it half asleep.
Music was playing in the background seemingly all day. Dad's music and it was delightfully relaxing. Mom and Dad were arguing. Sort of. As far as I could catch, it was over how many chocolate chips should go in the cake batter. In my opinion, double. At least! But no one asked me. Jake's cell phone rang, and he was surprised to get Akai's call. Ced was crying, though I wasn't sure why. It was because Dad had reprimanded him for climbing the stairs, or because he had fallen. One or the other. A rippling conversation among at least four adults.
They also talked to me when I was awake. More or less trivial stuff, but anything was better than the question of how I was doing.
And I thought a lot when I was awake.
About Nanuk, about my life, how it would go on now.
In the process, I also cried again and again.
It really hurt that Nanuk was no longer there. But the thought of Nanuk was also somehow curious for me. Since he had died in my arms - until this morning - I had not noticed anything of the world around me. In that sense, it felt like Nanuk had just died yesterday. On the other hand, it also felt like it had been a long time. Longer than just the six days it had really been.
I felt rested for the first time that day, although dusk was already setting in again and I felt the need to talk. It was very convenient for me that there was no one in the house but the two of us and that I had my mom all to myself. So we had the necessary peace with each other.
I said what was on my mind right now, the painful burning in my chest, how I felt, and Mom told of her own darkness and how she had escaped from it. First through my father and later with the knowledge that Jacob Black had left her two children.
"Maybe it's because of the day-long darkness you've been in," Mom mused to my sensation about Nanuk as I sat alone on the sofa with her, drinking a cup of cocoa.
"What do you mean?", I inquired.
"Would you say you're doing relatively well, even though you lost Nanuk?" she asked cautiously.
I retinked about it for a moment.
"Yes. Actually, I do," I stated with surprise. "It hurts that Nanuk is gone. Still, I've been able to really smirk or even laugh a few times today. The pain is there, but it's bearable and doesn't take over my whole being. I feel weak, but otherwise physically really good," I summarized.
"Edward said that your heart stopped while you were still in the woods. That he ... had to ... revive ... you," Mom said, faltering considerably by this.
She closed her eyes, swallowed hard and concentrated on breathing.
I set my cup aside and just snuggled into her arms.
"I'm here, Mom," I whispered.
"Yes. You're here," she mumbled, hugging me tightly.
We sat like that for a moment without a word. Then Mom seemed to have regained her composure.
"Maybe it's so that your body put you in a kind of coma with this darkness, so that you could bear the pain at all. Because otherwise it would have killed you. No, not would have. It did. If Edward hadn't been with you, I would have lost my children in one fell swoop," she now brought her theory to a close.
It cost her effort not to break off again in the middle and she held on to me. Just as I held on to her.
But this theory had something.
"So I only came to myself when the pain was bearable? When I had come to terms with his death to some extent?" I reflected on this.
"It could be like that."
"What does Dad have to say about this theory? Or Carlisle?"
"The idea came to me later today. I haven't talked to Edward about it yet."
"And then what exactly is Marcus' role in this?"
"I'm afraid I can't answer that for you," Mom smiled apologetically after blowing her nose. "Maybe it was just a coincidence that he was there when you were starting to come around anyway," she said indecisively.
Mmm ... But that didn't fit into this theory for me now.
We detached from each other, both took deep breaths, both dried our tears.
Exactly at this moment Dad had to come back home via the terrace. He peeked at us just as irritated as Ced from his carrying shirt.
"Two of my angels are crying! What's wrong?" he immediately wanted to know, but we only smiled slightly and shoulder-shrugged.
We explained Mom's theory and Dad said it was entirely possible.
A kind of coma to get through the pain. Similar to when Carlisle had put me to sleep with high doses of medication so I wouldn't experience the searing pain of healing. But Dad didn't think Marcus had just been there by accident, though he had no explanation either.
For dinner, Jake was back as well, and I was allowed a slightly larger portion of the baked ziti.
Something! Just something!
I had heard correctly what I had overheard half asleep.
Akai had called and they had met.
He brought me a pretty picture frame. In it was a picture of a beautiful man. Nanuk.
Individual tears ran down my cheeks as I looked at the photo, but the image also made me happy.
I only had snapshots on my phone, but no really nice picture of Nanuk. Until now. It would get a place of honor. It couldn't have been very long ago that the picture was taken. He was wearing a casual dark blue suit in it. Instead of a tie or bow tie or something, he had his Native American collar around and the top two shirt buttons were undone. Hands casually in his pants pockets, he smiled charmingly at the camera.
"Akai said it was created on Christmas Day as they were leaving for the Christmas service. The first liberated smile from him since he knew he was a wolf," Jake said about it.
Later, I was lying in my bed.
Of course I thought of Nanuk again, looked at his picture on my nightstand, cried now and then. But I also thought about Marcus.
Marcus had been so ... nice. I couldn't think of another term for it. We weren't together anymore, and yet here he was. He had been with me since Friday afternoon. What had been going through his mind? Maybe that everything could be like it used to be. Before I had met Nanuk. But that I could not do. Nanuk had irrevocably shaken and unhinged my life. I would probably never again love someone as much as I loved him. That might sound very theatrical, much too exaggerated, especially when you consider that we were actually only together really a few hours. It was just important not to forget that fate had brought us together. We had been destined for each other. In a mystical and supernatural way. From the beginning it had crackled between us quite violently, if not even in flames. I would not be able to forget that.
It was the middle of the night, and I was wide awake.
Let's face it, my biorhythm was so fucked up from all the sleeping today.
I had barely finished thinking when Dad was standing in my room with a played reproving face.
"I refuse to tolerate such indecent thoughts in my house!" he stated.
"This is Mom's house! Not yours!" I remarked, sticking my tongue out at him.
"Do you want me to stay with you, so you don't get bored? Or you could lie down with us," he offered to me.
I chose the latter so he wouldn't have to miss out on Mom.
So he carried me over, since I still lacked the strength to walk on my own.
Also with him I spoke now whispering about my feelings and my pain.
Dad, in turn, told me about his own experiences. When he had left Mom that time. But he also said that every individual dealt with grief and the resulting pain differently. He suggested, however, that maybe I should talk to Jasper about it.
I was undecided about that. I was sad, but did I need a psychologist for that?
He had Mom in his arms all the time and had rarely let her out of his sight.
I smirked about that.
"So that's what you do all night? Watching Mom sleep?", I asked. Wasn't that pretty boring in the long run?
"It's not boring for me. In those hours, she's all mine. I don't have to share her with anyone. Not even with my children," he indicated with a smile.
And he seemed to be in love while doing so.
At some point, Mom got a little restless and Dad hummed her lullaby. At that point, I did fall asleep.
Thank you for reading!