"Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces"
- Duran Duran
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On Sunday morning, I returned home to Hiko. I promised him to be with him and so that's what I did. He and I both went out and did some things like taking a look around the stores, going to a small nearby park to look at what's left of nature, and so on. We just hung out and laughed at dumb stuff together. It's a weird surreal thing, but I like how sober and clean Hiko is looking these days. I'm so glad he has that job now. I'm glad Soujiro's persistent nature really paid off in the end. I can have my father back. The father I remember so fondly when I was a little boy. We both returned home early in the evening and had oriental takeout for dinner. It was a really normal, but fun day for the both of us.
I'm not going to lie. I'm fucking nervous as shit about tomorrow morning, and for the rest of this week. I'm dreading of what will unfold for me and Soujiro. Our friends still has us on block, except for Aoshi, and the other casual acquaintances who have not been told of the news yet. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. I just have to tough it out for a few more months and soon, graduation will free us both from this living nightmare. Whoever said that honesty was best policy no matter what was a fucking liar, and I want to punch him in the face. I turn out the light to go to sleep that night, though I kept tossing and turning. I dream of those hyper realistic eyes again, only this time, I'm holding onto Soujiro as he's blubbering like a mess in my embrace.
God.
Morning slowly arrive, peaking through the mini blinds of my window. Hiko's been decorating the home, now that he has the disposable income to do so. He's calling up people to fix stuff in it too, and little by little, it's starting to look and feel like a real home. We even have heat now! It's not the best, but it'd be worse if it wasn't working. I dress myself with the usual menacing punk attire, and head downstairs to have breakfast with Hiko. I did a great job masking the anxiety I feel inside, and Hiko didn't seemed to have noticed anything was wrong. I showed him my best face, but on the inside, I'm shaking like a leaf. I could hardly finish the breakfast, but I gulped down the coffee, at the very least. I'll need it to have energy for today. Hiko chirped "Good luck!" and I wince, laughing awkwardly at that.
If only he knew.
I took a metro bus to arrive near the school and walked my way there. Pretty soon, Hiko would buy me a new car to drive myself to places. Or better yet, a fucking motorcycle, like the one Sano drives and lets me sit behind him. I gulp down the bitterness in my throat at that memory. It's time. It's time to face the music. I can do this. Soujiro should be there today, right? He didn't text or call me this morning, and it's not really helping out my jittery state. I hate to sound like a weak child, but he better be there. I can't do this all by myself. I didn't think I could ever be in a situation like this. I don't know if my usual I-don't-care antic is going to protect me from all of this. This time, it will be a true test of my strength.
I arrive at homeroom. Students have filled up, but I don't see my ex-friends there. Maybe I'm just early. I take my seat. Goddammit, Soujiro, where are you? Since Mrs Kita isn't here yet, I take out my phone to text him: Are you coming to school today? Please don't let me be here all by myself.
Desperate? Yes.
My nervousness is at an all time high now. I swear I could see some people giving me strange looks, as if they were in the know or are in on it. Of course, maybe they're just reacting to my skittish behavior. My eyes keep darting left and right at any small movement of the homeroom, and I try to slow down my breathing. I guess this is what Soujiro has to go through, every time people are aware of him being gay. This fucking sucks. I nearly jump out of my skin when I feel the familiar vibration in my jean pocket, making people turn towards me with annoyance now. I ignore them and look at my phone, my stomach dropping: Yes baby. I'll be there. I'm almost there.
Soujiro.. With a tearful smile, I text back: Please hurry, hun. I love you.
I tuck my phone away. Looking ahead, I see the first of my ex-friends: Sanosuke. He sees me and I look back at him, eyes widening. Is he going to ignore me? Berate me? Hit me in front of everyone? No. He just grunts, looks at the floor for a moment, and turns to sit in a desk many chairs in front of me. A first for him, since he was never one to sit in the front row like that. One student looked at Sano and then at me, blinking in confusion. Goddammit. This is going to spread like a wild fire. People aren't stupid. Everyone here knows who we are, and that we used to be a tight knit group.
Soon, Yahiko enters the room. We lock eyes, and he too, does the same, sitting right behind Sanosuke. It looks like they're mumbling to each other and would steal a secret glance behind me every chance they got. And with every look they gave me, I felt an invisible hit in my stomach. Megumi and Misao soon came together into homeroom, and I don't have the guts to look at any of them right now. I'm noticing that Kaoru is missing in action, though. Is she going to be absent today? As people start sitting down and the clock starts ticking to eight, the teacher and Soujiro came in nearly the same time. I lift my head up to look as he passes by the desks of our ex-friends, and their eyes follow him as he makes his way towards me. If looks could kill. He looks just as terrified as one would guess, but he keeps his cool, smiling at me as he sits in front of me. Thank fuck he's here.
Mrs Kita does her morning round up and soon it was over. Soujiro and I walk together, without holding hands or anything that would give us away, after everyone else left the room. For the rest of the day, Soujiro and I sat together, while any classes that we share with the other guys, we made sure to avoid them as much as possible. They too, would also evade us as much as they could. People soon started noticing this, and a couple of girls would stop us in the hallway to ask what was happening. Soujiro told them that it's just a little tiff, "But they'll get over it soon!". Meanwhile, I just stayed quiet, not wanting to rouse more suspicion with anybody. The school will soon figure shit out anyway, and we just have to brace for the impact.
Lunch period. Soujiro and I knew better than to try and sit with our ex-friends, so we went with his car to go to that nice sushi place the first time he took me out anywhere. The same place I yelled at him in, now the same place where I am silent and brooding. Soujiro would try to get me to talk or to get me laugh at something on his phone, to no avail. Soon, we just eat together in peace, probably still sick to our stomachs of what may come. We both return to the school building to prepare for gym class. But not without coming face to face with the one person I want nothing more than to wipe off from the face of the Earth: Shishio stands around in a hallway connected to the double doors that leads to the gymnasium, with his seedy friends all grinning and chuckling at us. Oh great fucking shit. Our friends.. our ex-friends.. they didn't.. tell them about Soujiro and I, did they?
No. They couldn't have. There's just no way.
Still, Soujiro and I bow our heads and just try to walk down the hall, trying to avoid their eyes.
That is, until we hear Shishio cackling: "There they go, those two lovers."
And my blood turns to ice. I stop walking and so did Soujiro. I look from the side of his face, and he looks just as fucking stunned as I am. So it is.. their fault. Was it Sano? Yahiko? But that's impossible. There's no way those two would just go and do that. They hate Shishio and his friends. Could it be the girls, then? Some sort of act of justice for Kaoru? It probably makes the most sense. And the most painful of all, too. Soujiro and I turn around to face the group as they laugh at our stupefied expressions.
"What did you just said?" I seethed, fists trembling at my sides.
"Aw, don't be mad at us, Shinta. I always knew there was something about you two that didn't seemed right. And I was correct." Shishio leans away from the lockers behind him and takes a step towards us, arms crossed over his chest and smirking like a creep, "You might want to check that anger, though. Domestic violence is a thing between gay men, or so I've heard."
"Ha ha! You said it, boss!" One of his lecherous friends chortles. Fucking idiots!
"You have no proof of what you're saying, so I kindly suggest shutting the fuck up," I take a few steps with warning towards Shishio, "Before I rip your lower jaw out!"
"No," Shishio shakes his head, "That won't do. We still have a match, but not here. Not today. I'll tell you exactly where to meet me for our fight, and you can bring your little boyfriend along, too."
I could ask him who the fuck told him about us, but that'll just give us away. I think he's fucking with us and wasn't told about what happened over the weekend; I think he's just playing some kind of homophobic joke just to piss us off. Maybe these two events aren't related, even if it does appear that way at first glance. I have to play this right. What would Soujiro do? He's good at getting his way out of these things with his good sense of charms. I look from over my shoulder at Soujiro, hoping to hell that he can read my mind somehow. He gapes at me, and then back at Shishio.
"I-I'm not his boyfriend." Soujiro tries to smile, but the corners were so twitchy that he just stops trying to, his eyes wide with terror, "He's just.. my friend."
Shishio just smiles at him knowingly. My stomach is in knots. Just who in the fuck told them this?! I start to feel light headed and just clutch my eyes, swallowing this lump in my throat. We really have to play this cool. One wrong word can get us beaten to a bloody pulp. Thank God I at least know how to scrap, but what about Soujiro? I highly doubt he's even taken a proper punch in the face before.
"You can stop fucking with us and leave us alone." I turn around and start walking away, "Come on, Soujiro."
"You know," Shishio starts again, "Nobody told us, so you can just calm down. We overheard it by those two chucklefucks you used to hang out with. Sanosuke Sagara, and that pinhead Yahiko Myojin. They should learn to text these things instead of saying it. Oh well. Guess they'll be happy to know that the entire school will learn about this soon. Hope your daddies have good lawyers when the media hears about this and goes after Soujiro here."
I whip around in an instant, "Name the place, time, and date, so I can fucking kill you."
He laughs, "My my! We can settle this at the junkyard in the center of our neighborhood. I know you go there to break things, y'know. Maybe I'll break your legs or your face so that you'll know what that's like. I'll see you there after school today, unless you two are going on a date later on."
His friends chuckle and my eye twitches. But I can certainly do today and get this over with as soon as possible. Shishio's a good fighter, and he's put through a few guys in the hospital before, so I know this is not going to be an easy one for me. But for Soujiro, I'll fucking do it with my eyes closed. Nobody gets away with hurting him like this. I look up ahead and nod, agreeing with the terms.
"After school, then. You better keep your promise, Himura." Shishio turns around and starts walking away, "Come on, boys."
They all disappear soon enough and Soujiro leans against the lockers, eyes to the floor. I place my hand on a locker door near his head, just looking at nothing in particular. Just thinking about how I'm going to pull this off. How we're going to pull this off. This is going to be an ugly fight and I'll be sure to have a broken bone or tooth by the end of tonight. I'm not afraid of that. I don't like pain just like anyone else, but I don't fear it. I'm not afraid of fighting people if that's what it has to come down to. I'm mostly afraid of Soujiro's mental state. He's not exactly.. well.. Sane, to say the least, after everything he's been through. I want to be able to preserve the happiness he feels when I'm around him, and to make sure nobody lays a finger on him.
"Come on. We'll be late for gym." I point over my shoulder with my chin and smile, trying to diffuse this unsettling vibe between us.
He looks at me sadly, quiet at first, and then nods, "Okay."
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Gym class starts. Teacher wanted us to play volleyball and separated the class into two teams. With a dozen students at his disposal, that's six on each side of the net. Luckily, we were able to choose, so Soujiro and I stick together on one side, while Yahiko and Sanosuke play for the other team. This is going to be so fucking awkward. They keep looking at us but not saying anything, and we try to just keep it together on the outside. I hope they don't try and do something stupid. It'll only cause an even bigger drama on our hands than we can't handle. I don't want to call the attention of other people, after all.
The teacher blows his whistle. The game begins with the other students bouncing the ball back and forth over the net. So far, so good. Yahiko and Sanosuke seem to keep a relatively normal amount of distance from Soujiro and I on the opposite ends, though every so often, we can't help but face one another. I leap and bounce the ball over the net, waiting for someone else to get it. Suddenly, Sanosuke jumps up and smacks the ball furiously down over the net, the ball hitting near the side of my arm. I flinch back before I got properly hit, but it was a close call. The teacher blows his whistle angrily and stomps over towards us.
"Sagara, what was that?!" He barks, "Don't hit the ball so hard! You could hurt someone!"
Sanosuke just flicks his bangs from his forehead casually, walking away from the teacher and not bothering to answer him. I look after Sano, shocked. Did he really meant to hit me with that thing? What's with these guys today? I know that what I've done to Kaoru is basically unforgivable. But there's gotta be a better way to be mad at me than actually hurting me. Still, I try not to let that little moment get to me. Focus, Kenshin. Just get out of this class and that fight later on with Shishio in one piece, and we can make it out alive. All I have to do is do what I do best; let my hands do the talking.
The game restarts and everything goes well for several moments. Until the ball goes over the net and now, it's Yahiko who's jumping up and smacking the ball hard towards Soujiro, successfully hitting him right on his shoulder. He falls to the ground, and the other male students start to exclaim loudly what the fuck's happening. I glare at Yahiko and he does the same as Sano did before, scoffing and walking away from the situation. Without a care in the world. I can't believe this. I can't believe that these were my friends. How can they do this to us?
I get on my knees near Soujiro, "Are you hurt?"
Soujiro tries to sit up, struggling, "Yeah. But I think I'm okay."
The teacher is over where our ex-friends are now, screaming at them. They don't show an ounce of care in the world as they are being talked down by him. I grumble to myself. Fucking assholes. If that's how they want to play, fine. I'll show them. As everyone goes back to their original positions, the game once again restarts. All goes well for the first half, again. As the ball leaps over the net towards my team, I take it upon myself to jump and smack the ball, and it ricochets right into Sano's face. He hits the floor with a bang and everyone fucking gasped. It's silent for a moment and Sano sits up, the top half of his face covered with blood. I don't waste any time ducking under the net and rushing over to him to grab him by the collar, yelling expletives at him and wanting to punch him in the face.
The crowd clamors around us, urging us to fight, the masculine energy revitalizing. Now that's what I'm talking about. I'm taking action for what's long overdue; protecting Soujiro openly and publicly. No one will mess with us now. I take my fist back in order to punch him, when it's caught mid-air by the teacher. He hauls me out from Sano easily, since he used to be a weight lifting champion, and stares at me sternly in the face.
"You're out of line. Get yourself to the principal's office," He gets in my face and bellows, "NOW!"
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"What were you thinking?"
After getting sent out of the gym by the teacher, I am standing in the hallway, leaning against the lockers coolly. Just like Sano and Yahiko, I too, don't show an ounce of care over what's happened. I evade Soujiro's eyes as he stands in front of me, his face contorted to one of anger and disbelief over my actions. If anything, he should be happy I stood up for him. Why is he taking this badly? He should be pissed off that they were trying to injure him with the volleyball. He takes his hands off of his hips and crosses them over his chest, looking down and trying to think of what to say next. I close my eyes, grunting.
"I'm sorry." Is all I could muster, already peeved by this conversation.
"Sorry doesn't always get you out of things that you've caused on your own, Kenshin," Soujiro sighs, irritated, "Just go. We'll talk about this later."
I snap back at him, "They were going to fucking hit you, Soujiro! What was I supposed to do?! Stand there while they fucking cause you pain?!"
"Will you keep your voice down?!" Soujiro gets into my face, "I'm trying to keep all of this under wraps, but you're just making it worse with your anger issues!"
"What anger issues?!" I bark back into his face, making him flinch and take a step back, "Yeah, I'm fucking pissed at those ding-dongs! They were hurting the one person I fucking love more than anything in the world! Again, why are you so pissed off? You should be thanking me, since I once again saved your dumbass!"
He bares teeth and I can see his face flushing as the anger rises more in his eyes, "Just go. Don't do anything stupid while you're at the principal's."
He turns around to walk away but I grab his wrist, "Wait. Don't go, Soujiro. Don't walk away like that. At least.. Walk away, knowing I did it because I love you."
He stands there, his face turned away from me. I wait, not liking this breadth of silence. He turns around over his shoulder, and I was surprised to see his eyes filled with rage in them still, as if disgusted by my existence. I slowly let go of his wrist, dumbfounded.
"Love isn't like this. It's never violent. You have other ways to show me that you love me. This isn't it." And just like that, he walks away, a little faster than before so that I won't be able to catch him without looking like a desperate fool.
When I'm alone again, I just smack the lockers behind me, biting down a yell that desperately wants to spit from my mouth.
Fuck all of this!
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"Mr Himura. Come in."
I've been here before. Many times, in fact. I feel like I've been here a lot before Soujiro transferred here. But thanks to his help and us studying together, it's been a while since I step foot in this room. I sit myself down on the chair that faces the principal's desk, and he looks through his files of documents written about me; my attendance record, grades, test scores, and so on. God fucking dammit. I really hate this guy. He's so full of pompous shit. He's the man whose voice especially grates in Hiko's ears whenever I get suspended, or if I skipped classes, or was caught threatening another student. He's the guy you don't want living inside your head. He went to a really great school, but somehow ended up in this mid-tier school when better options are out there for him. So it's weird having him as your principal, because he just shoves it in your face on how much better he is than you are.
Hajime Saito.
Arrogant prick.
He finally stops looking at his documents and rests his chin on his hands, smirking. Gah, I fucking hate this dude! He always does this shit! I scoff quietly to myself, crossing my arms. If you're going to yell at me, or scold me, or give me more punishments, go right a-fucking-head. I don't care. Just do it now so that I can catch up with Soujiro. He's all I care about for today. Without me by his side, he's completely vulnerable to the cruelty of other students. I know how this school is. I know how the kids here are. They don't like gay boys like Soujiro and they're not ashamed to say so. Not like we're highly sophisticated, cultured, and educated bunch like Soujiro is. We openly look at each other, playing a game of who will crumble under this pressure.
Finally, he asks, "Do you want to be punished? After all the good things I've been starting to hear about you?"
I shrug, smirking, "Do whatever you want. I know this sort of thing gets you off, and who am I to ruin the fun?"
He doesn't stir, not wanting to play my games, "Hilarious as always, I see."
"Part of my charms."
"Indeed. So would you mind telling me about your latest scrap with your friends?"
My smile quivers, but I bite it down, "They're not my friends. Not anymore."
His eyebrows lift up curiously, "Really? Why is that?"
"Not telling. There's no point."
"Of course there is. I'm here to listen to you. I was hired to help you."
I laugh, "Ha! Right."
He is quiet for a moment, ".. You don't believe me?"
"No offense, but I hardly trust any adults older than me. You're all corrupted. And liars. Every single last one of you."
"Well," He sits up straight in his nice chair, "I'm hurt. I didn't think I would be seen that way by you. Despite your juvenile delinquency and hard headed methods.. I've come to respect you and your father a lot. I know all about you, remember? Hiko and I have met many times since you started high school. We're not strangers to each other, are we?"
"I wish we were.." I mutter, my eyes floating downwards, ".. I wish.. I wish for a lot of things, actually."
"Such as?"
"Well. I want to get out of here. This room, I mean. So if you don't want to punish me, I'll be on my way," I try to stand up, but he shows me his hand, telling me to stop what I'm doing immediately, "What now?"
"Not so fast. We have to talk. About your personal relationship with Soujiro Seta."
I gape at him. Shit. He's not going to tell Soujiro's dad about us, will he? If that happens, I can kiss Soujiro goodbye forever. He'll definitely pack up and take his son somewhere as far from here as possible, probably even make damn sure I don't have any ways to contact him or to find him again. He'll make sure of that. I pause, taking the time to think of what to say. I could lie and say that he and I are just friends. But Saito's isn't stupid. Another big thing I hate about him. You just can't falsify information around him because he knows how to get into your skull with the confidence of a carefree sniper; a bullet, or a single question, can make your brain explode and out gushes the answer he's looking for. I sit back down.
"I'm his friend. That's pretty much it."
"That's good. Your teachers have told me that you and him have been spending a lot of time together, studying. Your grades clearly reflect these positive changes. He must be a good study partner to you."
I shrug. I don't want to give too much away.
"I've also noticed that you two spend time together even outside of academic activities. Eating lunch together. Going into his car in the parking lot after school. Sitting close together in every classes that you two share.. which, is all of them."
I chuckle, "So? People can be best friends."
"Indeed. But something didn't looked right in my observations, or what the faculty have told me."
"Like what?" I challenge.
"The winter dance. You went with Kaoru Kamiya, correct?"
I gulp, easing myself, "Yeah.."
"And it was observed that you two then went on to having a relationship with each other, correct?"
"What's it to you? It's none of your business what I do with people outside of this school."
"You're right. It isn't. Unless.. Her parents made it my business."
I look at him, flaring up, "What?"
"It seemed sudden, but when I came into my office this morning, I received a call that Kaoru could not make it to the school. They said she feels deathly afraid of two students who had hurt her. Not physically so, but in their terms, 'a psychological assault on her psyche'. I pressed for names, and yours came up along with Soujiro's. They said that Kaoru refused to explain, but that she had recently broken up with you. The last thing I need are major disruptions in this school when a peculiar student like Soujiro Seta, the son of the CEO of the Seta Enterprise, can run this place to the ground. Do I make myself clear to you?"
I am silent, petrified. Still, I coolly respond, "Yes. But like I said. We're just friends. She was just jealous of our close bond together. That's why she left me."
He looks at me with a face as cold and hard as stone. He knows I'm not going to crack for fuck all. I'm stubborn like that. Is he going to let me go, now? Or do I have to stay here until the end of the day since I'm not going to tell him shit? I don't care if he gives me detention or suspend me from school grounds. I'd welcome the change. I need my sleep, anyway. Finally, he leans back in his leather bound chair, smiling insidiously.
"Himura. You are aware that the school has security cameras, right?"
...
Fuck.
I narrow my eyes, "Yeah. What about them?"
"Well," He shrugs politely, "I've received two notes from the CCTV crew. One was the guy who watched the tapes all day. The other came from your Philosophy teacher, Mrs Motoko. Do you want to hear about the reports?"
Play it cool, Kenshin. Maybe there's really nothing on the tapes. I never kissed Soujiro in the hallways, or held his hand openly in front of other people, or anything like that. As far as the entire school knows before today, we were just two friends, and nothing more. I brace myself, my hands curling over the fabric of my jeans.
"Okay."
"The first note was on the day you and Soujiro took gym class together. You both went inside the PE shed. You two took a while in there and then came out. CCTV were concerned the two of you took drugs, but since there's no camera in the shed, we couldn't prove any crime, and so I just kept it on file. The second note, from your teacher, who the CCTV crew reviewed, said she saw you being hauled into an empty classroom by someone. She was shocked when she saw what was happening from around the corner of the hallway, but since she was stopped by a confused student trying to find his next class, there was nothing none of us could do."
I sigh, "Wow. So all this and no hard definite proof. Amazing."
"That's not all. On the day that Mrs Motoko saw you being pulled into the empty classroom, we received a message from Soujiro's father that he would be absent that day. Yet he turned up in school anyway. The teachers were confused, but thought there might've been a mix up. Again, the tapes showed that whatever it was you two were doing in there, you took a while in doing so. You're lucky we don't use cameras in the classrooms themselves."
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
"I.." My eyes waver, feeling nervous, "I.. We.. Have had a lot of arguments before. Sir. Soujiro and I.. We'd get into fights and then we'd talk things out. He's really.. Emotional, that guy. So I have to stick around and talk through things with him, until he calms down. That's why we take forever in that shed, and in that classroom. It's nothing weird.. we're not.. together.. in that way.."
Will he believe me?
Is he going to tell Soujiro's dad, anyway?
But of course not. He can't do that. Because he knows that this school will be sued until they all lose their jobs. There's just no way. He can't be that stupid after all, can he?
He watches me carefully and then sighs, "Guess I don't have anything, and neither do you. I will warn you this, though. There better not be anything going on between the two of you. The entire school is at stake because of the suspicion we have of the two of you. Soujiro's father.. Let's just say, he does not want his boy to be dating anyone. Certainly not to someone like you."
"Excuse m.." I shake my head in disbelief of what I'm hearing.
"Watch it." He warns, and points to the door, "There's your freedom. Don't let me catch you in here again. Understand?"
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I understand.
Asshole.
(To be continued)