Author's note: Hey everyone, how's it going? :) I have to say, the reviews I'm getting are just so nice and sweet to read and I am still thankful for all of your patience with me. This semester isn't too hard for me thankfully, and I love all of my professors so far! It's not going to be like my previous semester, thank the gods. I do also work part time, so it does get in the way of my writing at times, but again.. Thank you all for your patience. I don't deserve it, but thank you anyway!
This chapter is basically the start of why I labeled my fanfic as a "Dark Fic", in that from here on out, things are going to take on a very serious turn. Rated M plus for disturbing content. If you all remember the first chapter, I had warned you that this fanfic is specifically about someone's trauma, and this is just one of MANY that they have suffered. If it is too much for you to read, absolutely turn off and wait until I write the other fanfics instead. I won't be mad and completely get it. Things like this are not pretty for the eyes, even if it is all fictional.
Regardless, enjoy, and have a great weekend! Will update again on Thursday, September 26, because I'll be doing a trip with friends over that weekend!
"Oh no, I see
A spider web is tangled up with me
And I lost my head
And thought of all the stupid things I'd said."
- Coldplay
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I only loved one boy in my entire life.
I'm not going to lie. Kenshin is not my first. He is not my first date, not my first boyfriend, and not my first time for sex, either. My virginity was taken away by someone who I thought I could trust. After that happened, I just tried to find it in all the wrong places. I never found it; Not in the first girlfriend I had who did not lasted long, and not in any of the boys that I have secretly dated prior to Kenshin. I tried to find it in my sexual partners, in boys of all different ages. Some were younger than me, while others were a few years older than me. I had a lot of fun back then before I met Kenshin, but.. I just never felt real love towards them, or them loving me back. At best, I was content in getting what I want from them, and they were happy getting what they wanted from me.
There was, of course, one other boy, who I can count as close to love.
His name was Okita Souji.
He was someone I met during my formative years of attending a school in Germany. Though I have made friends of Germanic descent, it does sometimes make me feel lonely being the only Japanese boy in the entire school. When Okita transferred in the middle of the school year, I felt reassured in getting to meet another one of my kind. I was fifteen years old, and he was sixteen. People would often make fun of us and say we look almost alike, and would ask us constantly if we were related. He was good in his German, and would sometimes help me translate some of the things I would get stuck on. In return, I'd help him out with the social science assignments where I naturally excelled at. He was more into mathematics and science, and wanted to one day become an engineer. He liked to poke fun of my naturally sensitive side and how I want to one day make a difference in society through the practicing of criminal justice law.
I didn't really wanted to be the head of my father's company. But what other choice do I have?
Still, despite these differences, we were joined by the hips in a matter of days of getting to know each other. We would spend many days together during and after school hours. As the weeks went by, the sleepovers would become more and more frequent. It was only natural, then, that my father and his father got to know each other. They were both business men with similar ideas, so they hit it off the bat. I was so happy to have a close friend in a country that feels so different from what I am used to. I would miss my home in Japan, daydreaming about the day of when I will return to it. But with Okita by my side, the homesickness would subside, and I'd be thinking about what the next fun thing we would be doing instead. We even spent the holidays together. Our families joined together, throwing fancy Christmas parties and celebrating the New Years. To everyone else, we were the golden boys, with very bright futures ahead of them. Our parents could not have been more proud.
I cherish what we had together. He was my best friend. My confidant. My trusted diary when I wasn't allowed to hide things from my father. He was my sounding board when I didn't know how to stand up for myself properly to strange boys who hung around the street corners. He was my protector and my guidance in my times of need. Despite being only sixteen, he had a mind of a sage. I was convinced that he was living in a body that reincarnated from a wise samurai warrior of a distant past, now coming back to spread more of his knowledge to those who are only living their very first lives here on Earth. He never judged me for anything, even when he should have. He never criticized my not having a mother like he does, or that I was strange around girls for some reason. He couldn't care less, and he stuck by me no matter what. He told me he would never abandon me, that I always have him to go to, no matter how hard things get. He gets me. He understood me.
So, it should come as no surprise to anyone, that I slowly found myself falling for him.
It didn't happened so suddenly at first. Like time sand, it went by slowly. So slow that I hardly noticed it, until it was too late. I can only recall the first time I experienced my first flutter in my chest around Okita. It was when he once again 'saved' me by some students who were trying to bully me, for reasons I can no longer recall. It was something so insignificant, so stupid, but.. In the midst of not seeing my father for several weeks now due to his business travels and doing God knows what, I guess it took a toll on me. I was an absolute mess when the kids in my class tried to hurt me, calling me names and insinuating that I was gay. I knew what that word meant, but I refused to believe that it could be me. I wasn't gay. Of course I wasn't! Gay boys were bad boys. They were ruined boys. Non-salvageable creatures. That's what my dad always said, and I internalized it.
"You shut your mouth! You don't know Soujiro like I do!" Okita places his hand over his chest for emphasis, "He is not like that! He likes girls! I know this because that's all he ever talks about with me!"
A small group are clamoring all around us. We're outside in the courtyard of the school, after classes were let out for the day. I was eating a snack, one of a ripe peach and a bottle of water, while I was waiting for Okita to catch up with me. While waiting, this group of boys who were from our classes came to me, smacked my belongings out of my hands, and laughed as I crouched on my knees to try to pick them up. The ring leader kicked my peach far away from me, and the other one got my bottle of water to drench my entire head with it. This always happens. Some days they'd tell me I have to bring them lunch money, or risk getting beaten up by them. Other times, they'd tell me I'd have to do weird or embarrassing things, like come to school without boxers on under my pants. They'd even check to see by grabbing the hem of my pants to make sure I wasn't wearing any underwear, laughing at my reddened face.
And all the while, they'd always chant the same thing: Gay, gay, gay!
Everyday is always a nightmare for me because of this. I always wanted to cry afterwards because of the abuse.
But not today.
Today, Okita found us and has had enough of this. While I stand behind him, he stood up for me to fight for my honor. Just like he always did. The boys would start insinuating that we were dating or kissing each other behind closed doors, riling my friend up even more. It made me wonder if he doesn't like thinking of things like that. I'd often daydream about boys in general.. but Okita is actually popular with the ladies. He had recently broken up with one female student just a couple of weeks ago, and though he was initially crushed, he made sure I felt comfortable during our times of socializing together. Okita never thinks about himself over everybody else.. He was the one who taught me how to be selfless and to help people less fortunate than I am.
"Let's go, Soujiro. I don't have time for these chucklefucks." Okita grabbed my arm and we left, trying to ignore them ooohing and making kissy sounds in between laughter. We knew that it won't be the last time he'd have to stand up for me. This is old news for the both of us by now. Truth be told, we're not sure why they thought I was gay. Of course I've had my experiences with the same sex already at my young age, but I thought it was something that all boys went through before becoming a man. Nobody knew of my experiences except myself. Even Okita is not aware of this. I thought I would find a girlfriend soon, and just.. get over it. I didn't want to believe that being gay was a permanent state of being. I didn't wanted to be gay for life. I didn't. Of course I don't.
...
So then, why is my heart beating as I watch Okita buy me new snacks at the nearby convenience store? Why does my mouth suddenly go dry as he accidentally brushes arms by me as we walk back home together? Why do I feel electricity running through my veins as we sit together on a metro bus ride back to our neighborhood? Why is my mind suddenly thinking up of all the ways we could kiss, to hold each other, and make love to each other? Is it normal to think about your best friend like this? Isn't that immoral? And why.. why are my cheeks feeling warm when he is done tying my shoes for me, and looks up at me with a beautiful smile to say, "Don't worry about them. I'll always be your friend, Soujiro."
...
Why?
I gulp, nodding, "O-okay."
He smiles wider, chuckling under his breath. And then he went on home, leaving me standing all alone in front of my house. Later that night, I thought about him, and.. I relieved myself, just by those mental images alone. I realized, while washing off the parts of my pants, to my mortifying realization, that I am starting to really like him. More than what it is normal between two young boys. I knew I had no one to confide to. If I tell father, he'd have us move again, just like last time. I knew I had to keep this a secret. No matter what, I have to make sure to keep this under wraps. I cried on my bed that same night, scared shitless of what may be. I would never do anything to ruin the friendship between Okita and I, despite my newfound attraction towards him. It just wouldn't be worth losing him over such silly feelings.
So, I stuffed all of it down. I played pretend when I was with him. I pretended that a lot of things about him were true, even if they were mean spirited. Pretend Okita is too ugly to look at. Pretend Okita is too stupid to take seriously. Pretend Okita is too annoying for me to have such a huge crush on him. And after a while, it seemed to have worked. We were able to continue on being friends, hanging out and doing normal things together without skipping a beat. Though the bullying at school continues, as long as I had him, I knew everything was going to be okay. As long as I don't fantasize him in my mind too much. As long as I try not to blush whenever he looked so cute in his uniform. As long as I kept pretending that he wasn't all that, everything will be okay..
"Hey, Soujiro. Do you have a minute?"
We were hanging out in his room one day on a bright, crisp Friday. We've now known each other for close to a year, or maybe it was longer than that. We spent the summer away from each other and have reunited recently, and with the new school year approaching, the weather had dropped sharply. Now at age seventeen, his body seems a little more buff than I remembered. Which really doesn't help the tingles I feel in my spine every time I take a gander over his body. Despite that, however, I've done well with playing pretend. Pretend Okita is too ugly to look at. Pretend Okita is too stupid to take seriously. Pretend Okita is too annoying for me to have such a huge crush on him.
"Yeah? What's up?" I chirp, happy as always.
But, his stone expression makes my smile falter, and he finally asks, "Are you mad at me or something? You seem distant. You weren't like this last semester. Did I do something wrong?"
"H-huh?" I blink rapidly, and just as quickly, laugh at his face, "No way! Why would I be mad? You didn't do anything wrong!"
His demeanor still doesn't change, and he stands up from where he was sitting, his voice now taking on a louder note, "Don't play these games, Soujiro! You know I don't like it when people lie to my face like that! Don't you remember when my dad would lie to me about where he's been, or why he doesn't come home some nights? Do you really believe his stupid stories? Or are you too afraid to admit that he's been cheating on my mom?"
I gape at him, not knowing what to say. What is going on with him today?
He grunts, careful of what to say next, but like a slipped cup, all of the contents start to spill out, "I'm just scared that you don't like me anymore, okay?! You just don't seem the same ever since I rescued you from those idiots at the courtyard! I know this because ever since then.. You don't look at me in the eyes when I talk to you, you sometimes evade my calls, and I don't know where you are whenever I needed you! Do you know how hard it was to get a hold of you online this entire summer? Why'd you even come over here if you're going to act like this?!"
I grit my teeth, now standing up from where I was sitting too, "I don't understand you. Why are you yelling at me? What have I done?! If you have something to say, just spill it!"
Now he's the one gaping at me in shock, "I.. I don't understand. You mean.. You mean you can't tell that you've been distant towards me ever since that day I stood up for you? Do you think.. I'm lying to you?"
I roll my eyes, "Whatever. This has been the worst idea, reuniting with you when you're going to act like that. I'm leaving. Have a good weekend..!"
He yanks my forearms so that I won't leave, and he starts to crumble in front of me, "Soujiro, please, just talk to me! We've been such great friends all this time, and now you're just going to up and leave me like this?! I don't understand what's going on, either! Don't you think that's why I'm asking you? You just haven't been the same with me since that day.. I thought you were going through something hard.. With your father, maybe, I don't know! But you have to talk to me, Soujiro! I've.. I've missed you so much, since we couldn't hang out during the summer because of the distance.. To see you again, today, after all this time.."
His hold on my arms soften, and he continues as he looks somberly to the floor, "Seeing you again makes me so happy, it makes me want to die. Isn't that.. Just weird?"
Silence. I look at this boy in front of me, the boy who I no doubt am starting to really fall for. Am I in love with him? Is this what love feels like? Is that why I've been avoiding him or acting.. well, distant from him? I guess I was being cold towards him without my knowledge. I thought I was only playing pretend. But as it turns out, I played the game a little too well. Now I have my best friend standing here, in front of me, completely hurt and confused as to why I've been behaving this way. I keep looking at him, and he keeps his eyes down. My heart is killing me. Should I.. Should I tell him, then? About the dreams I've been having about him? About the times I want to rip my eyeballs out so that I can stop looking at his face? That maybe I really am gay after all?
I feel dizzy. I'm so scared. But just like that, just like another cup tips over to spill the contents, so did my lips at the next beat, "I like you.. Okita Souji."
He doesn't move or say anything at first. I wondered if he had heard me correctly, or that he couldn't believe his ears. Finally, he looks up at me, bewildered, "Soujiro..?"
I lift my fingers up to rest them on his hands that are still on my arms, and I repeat myself again, "I like you, Okita. A lot. That's why.. That's why I've been distant with you. I didn't wanted this to be true. I didn't wanted you to feel like you had to spend time with someone.. someone like me. Someone who doesn't really like girls like you do, Okita. But.. There it is. Truth is, I like you. I like you a lot. More than I should."
We were quiet again. Looking at each other. Did time slip away from us? I forgot what happened in between here.. I guess I was out of it when it happened. But before I knew it, Okita's hands leave my arms, and one of them lands on my face. No, not a slap across my face. As in, he gently cups my chin with his hand, observing me carefully.
"Say that again." His smile looks too inciting to say no to.
So, I did.
"I like you, Okita. More than I should."
You can probably guess what happened next. When I left to go home, I was smiling from ear to ear. Okita kissed me. I kissed him back. We made out. We fell on his bed. We did it, together, happily. It was something I could never have guessed would happen many moons ago. But it did. It happened, and it was real. And I'm so happy too, on top of that. I can't recall the last time I felt this giddy over anything. I never thought Okita would return the sentiment. I thought he was straight. I guess looks aren't always everything, huh?
Oh well. I'm happy. More than I should be!
Things were good between us again. Actually, things became more better between us than before! Not only did I regained my friendship back with him, but.. He would invite me into his bedroom so that we can make love in it. I never try to do that in my room, especially now that father is around more often and can catch me red handed. But Okita's parents are always so busy and away from the house, so we would have the time and space to enact these pleasurable acts together. He'd whisper to me just how good I was in bed, and it'd inspire me to go further and further with him. Letting him do things to me that I have never done before. I don't like to talk about it, even now after the years have come to pass. But in those moments with him, I thought I was doing something normal.
He one day brought something in his room one day after school. Once again, his parents were gone. It was just me and him in that giant mansion. A mansion full of secrets, betrayals, and affairs. Okita just found out that his mother is now cheating on his father, I guess as an act of retaliation against the old man's unfaithfulness. It really hurt Okita, and he's been moody and quiet the entire day at school. I never saw him quite like that before. Okita was always so full of zest for life.. You could always count on him to brighten up anyone's day. So, when I caught him staring at nothing in particular during classes, I was worried about him. He cornered me during lunch period, in the hallways, and asked.. no.. demanded, that I come over to his place after school. I was taken back by his aggressiveness, but quickly agreed to it, since I felt concerned over him. I don't want to leave him alone while he felt so vulnerable.
"My parents.. are fighting." Was all he said with his eyes hidden by his bangs, staring at the floor after he asked me to come to his place.
I knew I couldn't say no to him. Not when he looks so beaten down and crestfallen like this. So, I went to his place after school, just like he asked. When we were in his bedroom, I couldn't get a word in to ask him what was going on, because he had already pinned my wrists against the door behind me, shoving his tongue down my throat. I tried to break away to try to ask him what happened with his parents, or to tell him to stop doing this, but he'd just quickly lock lips with me and kept kissing me. Soon, I grew tired of fighting back and just let him make out with me. The clothes peeled off from our bodies.. thanks to his hurried hands that damn near ripped the fabrics of my clothing apart.. and soon he threw me on his bed, going into his closet to get something. I blink, lying on my elbows and totally confused.
He turns around. In his hand, is a camcorder. A shot of nausea spreads in my insides. I suddenly remembered why I don't like cameras. I grab his blankets and covered my body with it, as if out of instinct, and he tilts his head at me.
"What's wrong?" He turns on the camcorder and points it at my direction, recording me looking at the lenses of terror, "I want to try something new today."
I shake my head, "Okita.. P-please.. Not.. I don't.. anymore.."
He frowns, "What? If you want to say something, just spit it out! God, you're so annoying."
The nausea in me turns my blood as cold as ice. He continues on berating me, his eyes now a shade angrier than before.
"You think it's easy being your friend? Having to look after you and making sure the other kids don't pick on you? You go around asking for trouble and practically beg for people to tease you. And then when I come in to save the day, this is how you thank me?"
My lips quiver, ".. I don't.."
He smirks, shaking his head, "You don't what? You don't understand? Is that what you're trying to say? Puh-lease. You thought you could just ignore me all summer and that things would get back to normal? I thought about you that entire time, Soujiro. Were you doing something behind my back this entire time? Is that why you're acting like such a cunt these days?"
Tears blur my vision. My heart is wrapped in barbs.
He scoffs softly, "I have to be honest with you.. Maybe there is a reason why people bullied you for being gay. It's because of the way you act. You think you're just being nice, but I know a slut when I see one. Always giving boys that look with your eyes, that smile that says-"
His voice goes several pitches higher, to mock me with an impersonation, "-Ohh, please fuck me! Fuck me just like everyone has!"
Who is this monster? Where is my friend? Where is the Okita Souji I know? He is not in this room, and he is not that boy, pointing the camera at me. I don't understand what's going on. Is he really that hurt that I've decided to place some emotional distance between him and I? Why can't he get over that? I'm with him now! Aren't we boyfriends and in a relationship, now? Isn't he mines and aren't I his? Why is he acting so resentful over past misdeeds? I finally gather enough anger to ask him in a highly emotional voice, "Why are you being like this?!"
"Because I don't let go of things easily. I know I'm not your first, Soujiro. You're too good at what you do to me in bed for you to be a virgin. I should know. I've bedded a couple of virgins before. They're always so shy.. and sweet.. if not clumsy. But not you, Soujiro. You know how to work that mouth of yours. And your hands. Those hands that have probably been on God knows how many cocks by now. And at your age, too! That's a sad thing.. You're so damaged, I don't think your dad will get his wish in the end: Seeing his only son, marrying off to a woman, and raising his grandchildren. What a waste."
He walks towards the bed now, his knees now on the bed to get on top of it and inches closer towards me as I try to scoot away from him, "Now, now. Don't be shy now. We all know what a real whore you really are. Maybe.. Maybe if you want those boys to stop teasing you, you should let them finish on your face. I bet you'd like that. I bet that's why you get their attention. You probably flirt with them and don't even know it. You brought this onto yourself. This is your fault. All of it. We can't help it if we want to fuck sluts like you who pretend they don't know what they want. But it's okay.. I'll give you exactly what you want."
I think you know exactly what happened next. I still remember the taste of salt water in my mouth, and the weird metallic notes mixed into it, as he have sex with me against my will. All as the camera rolls on silently on his night stand to record everything. It's hard to believe, and I absolutely do not fault anyone who won't believe me or this story. But it happened. It happened, and it changed me completely. After what happened, I came home and my father noticed how eerily silent and dissociative I seemed to him. He kept asking me again and again what's wrong, and when I couldn't tell him, he took me to the emergency room in a private hospital. He's convinced I was having a dangerous illness that made me unable to speak..
Sometimes, it still feels like that.
When the doctors told him I had internal damage inside of me, and where it was located, and that I needed stitches down there.. Well, let's just say, he changed my entire life seemingly overnight. By the time Monday came and I was supposed to be at school, and see Okita again.. My father and I found ourselves in a private jet plane ride to fly out of the country on first notice, and start our lives over elsewhere. Supposedly Okita's parents found the camera, and the footage, and made a deal with my father that they will destroy the tape and pretend that nothing had happened. My father agreed. No words from Okita, or his legal representatives, were said to me. It was like he died after I left his house that night, never to return again. Sometimes the trauma gets so bad inside my head, I can't remember the exact dates, or what happened in between that night and nowadays. I forgot where we landed, or which school I went to, or how to be normal like everybody else. It was like I was living in a fog world for an entire year after that ordeal. Thanks to my father's wealth and reputation, the new school I went to made sure I had the best education and support, to help me move on from what happened to me.
I think it's a miracle I could still love somebody else, when I placed so much trust in Okita.
Sometimes I wonder where he is, and how he's doing. And sometimes, I wish he would die a most violent death.
I still taste the salt water in my mouth sometimes.
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It's after school when Kenshin texted me that he'll be fighting Shishio at the junkyard near his neighborhood, and for me to just go home to protect myself. I hesitated, reading his text and re-reading it again, as if hoping the words on my screen will change, to no avail. But, as much as I wanted to be there for him and make sure he doesn't get himself killed, I texted him back and agreed with him. And to be careful. And try not to die today. And that I love him. So much. He hasn't responded, but I think he got it and just didn't want me to worry anymore. I hope he is fine out there without me. As much as it pains me to say this, what he did today really upset me. I don't want him to think he has to be this violent monster just to protect me from other people. I can handle myself just fine. I want him to grow and be better than the thuggish stereotypes that other people like to think of him as. I know he can be better. I know he can do better!
Oh, Kenshin.
Where did we go wrong?
(to be continued)