Author's note: Merry Christmas, everyone! I missed all of you! And once again for the millionth time, I am so sorry for being so busy and depressed to properly update this story. But here it is, another big ass update for your viewing pleasure. I hope 2019 has treated you all kindly and that 2020 will bring even more happiness. Next update will be scheduled for Friday on January 3rd, so keep your eye out on that!
Thank you for your patience and devotion. You guys are more important and way more amazing than you realize. Love you guys! Enjoy! A bit of warning that there will be much fluff in this chapter, heh heh!
"I know I've dreamt you
A sin and a lie
And I have my freedom
But I don't have much time."
- Charlotte Martin
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[3:26 PM]
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"Yo, is this really happening?!"
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"Fuck him up, Shishio!"
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"Haha, Asuka, I'm totally downloading this on YouTube!"
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"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"
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Imbeciles!
We're all at the junkyard now, straight after school has finished for the day. I told Soujiro to just go on home and to protect himself. I don't need him here. Not when it's so dangerous and where anything can happen to him. I'm here to defend our rightful reputations from the likes of Makoto Shishio and his crew. His crew are all standing back and chuckling at the scene in front of them; Just Shishio and I standing nearly face to face, staring down at one another, our coats off to better maneuver ourselves for the impeding battle. Like I've said many times before, I've been in plenty of other fights back then. I'm not afraid of this. I know how to throw a good punch, and I know how to defend myself from another person's strikes. I know how to evade other people's punches, and I know how to take care of my own wounds long after the fights are over. What you saw back there with Shishio and his lap dogs when I had to save Soujiro from them, was just the tip of the iceberg. I know I can do it again, and better this time. Shishio is going to be my most prominent opponent.
The crowd are going crazy now, taking pictures and chatting among themselves, placing bets as to who would win today. Like I said, they're nothing but a bunch of fucking imbeciles. Many people really believe that Shishio will kill me today, but I am seeing lots of fans on my side, thankfully. My name keeps being shouted in between conversations, that I am a real bad ass for taking Shishio on, and that I do have what it takes to finish him. I smirk to myself. Feels good to be appreciated, I guess.
Soujiro..
I hope you're home. I hope your father isn't there to try anything to hurt you. Whatever you do.. Please don't come here. Not for anything. Just.. Goddammit, Soujiro. You better not come here. Not for anything in the world. The last thing I need is for you to come here and see my face busted open for you again. I'm pretty nervous of how much worse my nose is going to end up after this fucking fight with Shishio. Especially after getting plummeted by Sanosuke last night. To which, of course, I don't see a sight of him anywhere right now. Well, good. Probably for the best. Even if he does hear from this on social media or through word of mouth about the fight, I highly doubt he and the others will come to rescue me. No. I did this. I deserve all of this. I've started all of this shit by myself, and I'm going to finish it by myself like a real man. It's what Soujiro deserves, after all. All his life, he needed a hero to come save him in times of need. And I'm going to be his hero. Over, and over, and over, and over again.
I lift my fists up, readying myself.
Shishio chuckles, completely top naked despite the weather, "Himura! You are sure you want to do this? With your nose looking like that?"
I hack and spit to my side, glowering, "Cut the shit and put em up. I'm going to fuck you up, once and for all."
The crowd continues to clamor all around us. Many have their phones out to record the fight, or to take photographic evidence, so that they can talk about it for the rest of the fucking semester. Or for years after. Whatever. It doesn't matter. What matters is now. What matters is getting out of this alive and in one piece, so I can return to Soujiro's side. Though he may be home right now, I can't trust that someone won't try to break in to try to hurt him, if the rumors about us starts to circulate quickly today. I have to be there to protect him and keep him safe. As the energy rises up to the brim, Shishio readies himself with his battle stance, the crowd going wild with excitement.
Here goes nothing.
I grit my teeth.
For you, Soujiro.
I take my first swing, and the crowd starts screaming.
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I am here in my bedroom now. Exactly what Kenshin instructed me to do. I know better than to go to the junkyard and show up while those two are beating the shit out of each other. I wince, hugging my body frame at that thought. I really hope Kenshin is okay. Lying on my back on the mattress, I stare up at the ceilings above me, just thinking. About a lot of things, really. Was I too hard on Kenshin today? Was I in the right, and was he in the wrong? I mean.. I don't really like violence at all, truth be told. Maybe it was the way I was brought up or something. So, of course seeing him getting riled up like that just triggers something in me. It's all very unpleasant, and just something I want to avoid as much as I possibly can. But I understand, in a way. Kenshin is not from where I'm from. He was not raised the way I was. I was born privileged, a life where I am taught how to behave civilly, even in the face of conflict. Not him, though. How he was born and raised, he was taught that the world was out for blood, and will leave no victims unscathed. The streets molded him to become the young man he is..
The young man that I am terribly, totally, madly in love with.
And this is where I am. On my bed. Letting him get his ass handed back to him for my honor. For our relationship, and for our love. I feel nausea spreading in my body, afraid of just what could be happening right now at this moment. He already suffered from a broken nose thanks to Sanosuke; I'd hate to know what he'd look like after Shishio smashes the nose cast off from his face. From my lover's face. I exhale sharply and try to blink the hot tears away from my eyes.
Kenshin..
All of a sudden, a million frames of memories come blowing across my mind behind closed eyes. The first time I saw him in homeroom as I was being introduced by our teacher. The first time we exchanged words to each other, face to face. The first time I walked next to him in the hallways, and how he smelled like cheap cigarettes. How mean he used to be towards me, back when he refused to trust me. Paying for his father's tab at that local convenience store that night when I found Kenshin freaking out over it. Our intimate talks on the bridge overlooking the city river that same night. His hand touching me as I walk on the ledge of that bride. Seeing him again at my house party, and going down on him for the first time. How he tasted inside of my mouth, and how good it felt to kiss him at long last. How amazing he felt inside of me the first time we had sex. Kenshin.
Kenshin..
It's me. It's all my fault. This is all my doing. For falling in love. For following a boy that I know next to nothing about, just because I fell in love with his online profile. Over his photos, and how he really is in real life. I fell in love with his eyes, and his hair, and his voice. My God, especially that voice, when it breathes and sighs near my ear every time he had sex with me. A shiver runs up my spine, remembering all of our previous love making. He was so good to me.. He is very good to me. He's been a wonderful boyfriend to me, doing everything he can to protect me and to defend me. Just like Okita used to do. Only this time.. Kenshin actually loves me and wants me to be happy in this world. Unlike Okita, who just wanted to use me for depraved sex acts. Kenshin's reputation among his loved ones really is well deserved. He's the guy who would put his life and safety on the line for you. He's the guy who will be there for you until the very bitter end.
He's irreplaceable.
And he's out there, right now, getting hurt.
Because of me.
I turn on my mobile phone to re-read his text message he sent to me today after school let out: Soujiro. Baby. Listen. No matter what you do.. Don't follow me after school. I have to take care of Shishio. He can't get away with this. Don't wait up for me either. Just go home and protect yourself. And whatever you do, babe... Just stay there and don't come looking for me. I don't want you to see me in such a mess. I love you. I'll call you when it's over.
And again, I reread it over and over again. Hoping. Waiting. Wishing for the words on my screen to change. For everything to change, really. For the bad things that never should have happened. For the good things that I wish were true. All I wanted to do when I came here to Kyoto, was to be with Kenshin. I let so much of my own self hatred get in the way of being completely his, at first, for thinking that it couldn't possibly last between us. I hated who I am deep down, and for not being able to love a woman like an average man could easily do. I hated that I can only love other men like me. I hated it. I wanted to be like everybody else, so that I could fit in, and so that my father could finally actually love me.
I thought Kenshin would have given up on me.
But thankfully.. Thank the Gods above us.. Kenshin is the type to never give up, even in the face of adversity. He fights for everything he believes in, tooth and nail, for truth and for justice to prevail. He's just that type of guy. He's the kind of guy I ought to hate, and stay away from. Because in my world, I lived in nothing but in ribbons wrapped all over my body, to hide and conceal who I am deep down; to constrict the real me that would otherwise horrify and disgust other people. I thought I'd be safe in these dressings, encompassing all of my body and over my limbs, but.. In the end, I found myself becoming mummified as time went on. More dead than alive.
But Kenshin freed me. He freed me from these dressings and from this prison. He's freed me! And he's out there right now, fighting. Fighting for me. For people like me. For people like him. For the men out there who love other men, and the women out there who love other women, too. For everyone who is different and not cut out for the mainstream mold that we were all taught from birth to be, for our own good. For what we have.
For our love.
For us.
...
That does it!
I'm going to go see him! I have to! I nearly hop out of my bed and put on my jacket, nearly ripping my doors from their hinges as I run out of that mansion like a bat flying out of hell. I know he wouldn't want me doing this for him. He would want me to be home safe and sound, away from the terrible world he lived in for his entire life. A life full of nothing but pain, and loss, and barely scraping by. My car zooms through the streets now, damn near hitting a couple of pedestrians who were trying to walk by on the crosswalks. I don't care. I have to get there as soon as I can! I have to be there for my lover!
Don't worry, Kenshin. I'm coming for you.
Keep your head above water meanwhile.
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The crowd coos in union as I hit the ground, blood splattering from my mouth. We've been going at it for the past half hour now, with no ending in sight. Shishio has succeeded in punching the fucking cast from my nose, busting my lower lip open, giving me two black eyes, and bruises all over my body. I'm surprised I haven't broken a bone yet, minus maybe a new splinter over my nose bridge. I am definitely not going to wake up pretty tomorrow, that's for sure. Luckily, I got in a few really good hits and it looks like Shishio is worse for wear for tomorrow, too. Shishio quickly walks over me to grab my shirt collar and lifting his other hand to form a fist, ready to punch me, when I suddenly kick upwards and got him right in the nuts. Hey, I can fight dirty too. He yells out in pain and lets go of me to crouch over in pain, his knees hitting the ground now. I take this opportunity to get up and kick him from behind his head, making him collapse completely.
Some were booing me from the crowd, while most were fucking happy I did that. They know of Shishio and what he is really capable of. They haven't forgotten what he's done against those poor girls back then. And I'm going to avenge all of them today. Soujiro, too, for that matter. They've all suffered tremendously thanks to this fuckhead, and I'm going to let him know with my own fists.
Pretty soon, I'm sitting over his stomach and have him face me with his back against the ground, plummeting his face with my fists. Blood splashes everywhere, people are screaming from all around me, and my mind feels lightheaded from all of the excitement. The violence is as horrifying as you could imagine. Anymore of this, and I might just kill the guy. Which could spell a lot of trouble for me and for Soujiro, if we want to have a future together. Still, my mind is completely blank of all reason and sound logic, and I keep hitting him. Again, and again, and again. Non-stop. The crowd slowly starts to quiet down, watching on in horror as I keep punching Shishio again and again. It doesn't take long before a random student comes in with his palms up, "Hey man, that's enough."
"Yeah, you're gonna kill him!" A girl cries out.
I don't listen and continue. The male student who tried to stop me then decide along with his friend to try to grab a hold of me, hauling me off of Shishio, who is pretty much knocked the fuck out. He's not moving or making any sound. His blood is everywhere now. I am trying to steady my breaths as the sides of my body quiver from all of the impact and emotional terror of being in this mess. The girl who shouted at me to stop whips out her phone to call an ambulance, and people started to back up from the both of us, as if afraid of being contaminated by all of this. At least they got their fucking show. I oughta charge all of them for the good drama. Everywhere fucking hurts in my face and in my body. The girl urges the ambulance team to hurry up and to pick up two boys from the local junkyard, and I am afraid that the police will soon be dispatched too. Fuck. Should I even stay? I should go to Soujiro now! He needs me!
"Hey, where are you going?!"
I ignore that voice from behind me as I start to walk away from the scene. Well, practically limping, more like, since Shishio got my legs pretty good today as well as my face. God, everything fucking hurts. I could go to another hospital if Soujiro doesn't mind taking me, but how am I going to explain all of the bruises and bandages to my dad? He's going to flip his fucking shit. I've been doing so well in school and at home that this is the last thing he expected me to do. Well, what can I say. Can't take the street from a hoodlum even after he's being presented with a way out of it. It is at that moment that I hear a familiar voice calling after me: "Kenshin!"
I snap my head up to see Soujiro now running towards me from the other side of the junkyard, his car parked not too far from us. I hope he locked the doors! Does he even know where he is, now?! I grunt, his form and the environment around him blurring and re-focusing. My knees buckle and I soon couldn't hold on to my posture, descending to my knees. Soujiro hurries up to kneel down in front of me, trying to grab a hold of me and starts to cry. Jesus, Soujiro. Not here. Don't be like that. Don't look at me like that! People are watching! Soujiro.. People are.. They're watching..
My vision tunnels and everything fades to black, the last thing I hear was Soujiro crying out my name.
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Beep...
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Beep...
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Beep...
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"Kenshin.."
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Beep...
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"I love you, Kenshin.."
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The pain is gone now. I don't know where it all went. All I know is.. I'm floating. I am now formless. Shapeless. Gaseous. I don't feel real. My eyes are trying to flutter open, but I can't. I can only see a white bright light that hurts too much to look at. And then I close them back again, descending into a world of nothingness. I don't sleep. Not that I think I do, anyway. I don't dream, and I don't see or hear anything. I just float. Through an empty abyss of time and space. Floating and swimming through the waves of memories. Childhood memories. Hiko smiling and laughing at something on the television screen. Running through the tall grass. Sand. A person talking, a face I do not recognize. Water sliding down a tree as I watch when I am ten years old. A funeral. Who was it that died? I don't remember. I think I'm five. No, I'm eight. Ten. A hundred. A million years ago. I'm running around in a house. I think I'm running away from a monster. Hiko again, speaking to a group of crying people. Black clothes. Red hair and beautiful blue eyes. Tomoe whispering into my ear that I look just like my mother. Mother. Red hair. My real mother had red hair. Photographs.
A bright white light flashes, and I take in a shaky breath. Slowly, I open my eyes, seeing above me an unfamiliar, white ceiling. The last thing I remember was Soujiro crying softly near my ear when I fell to the ground at the junkyard. I guess he took me to the hospital, then? It smells super fucking clean here. Almost too much rubbing alcohol and the smell of medicine filling up my senses. I groan, feeling dizzy. He better not have taken me to the same hospital as Shishio. Knowing Soujiro, though, he probably took me to a more private, up scale hospital to take care of me. As far away as possible from the people who would want to hurt the both of us for being in love. It'd make sense. I carefully turn my head to the side to see Soujiro sleeping on a nice, comfortable couch not too far from me, and I just look at him. He looks so fucking beautiful just sleeping there. Poor guy. I really did a lot of shit towards him, and he still wants to be by my side. If that's not proof enough that we should get married in the future, then I don't know what else will. I look at him some more before I turn my head away, smirking. Oh, Soujiro.
Where do we go from here?
At this rate, I'm sure the students probably called the cops on me and on Shishio, so I will be expecting a visit from them soon. What am I going to tell them? That they threatened me and Soujiro with our lives? I doubt they'd buy it since I already have a record with them. That's what I get from stealing a couple of useless shit at a store and getting caught, I guess. I have done community service at the juvenile delinquent center for about a month, and I don't know if they've purged that from my records yet. They wouldn't forget a face like mines, especially with red hair like mines. They know of my father, too, and how he's come a long way from his old days of glory. I don't know if they're going to let this shit go. I could definitely lie and just say that Shishio was the one who swung at me first, and I was just defending myself. You can't get in trouble for defending yourself, right? But then, his face must be beyond repair for it to just look like I was only trying to protect myself, or Soujiro.
Fuck. This is bad. I don't know how I'm going to wiggle myself out of this mess. Am I going to get in trouble at school, too? Would they care? We took our business away from school grounds, and Shishio and I are legally adults who can do what we want. So truthfully, I don't know what they're going to do. Maybe Mr Saito will be willing to turn his cheek the other way if it means that Soujiro's father won't run the fucking establishment to the ground. That's something I can use as leverage. Thank fucking God for pain killers and morphine. I can hardly feel my face. I still feel super fuzzy and weird, though. I suddenly hear someone stirring and shifting around, and I turn to see Soujiro rubbing his sleepy eyes with his hand. I chuckle, mumbling with strain, "Hey there."
He flinches, looking at me with wide eyes, and he damn near stumble from his seat to get to my side, "Kenshin! Are you okay?"
I smile painfully, "Do I look okay to you?"
He grunts, and then smiles awkwardly, "I guess not."
I sigh, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I feel okay so far. The medicine is blocking out most of the pain, but I just feel dizzy."
Soujiro is quiet for a moment, before he asks me, "Do you need anything?"
"A nice steak dinner with you sounds nice."
He giggles, "I'm afraid that won't happen for a while."
"Then.. Can you.. Contact Hiko for me? Tell him where I am now? He should be at your company working right now, but he deserves to know what happened."
His eyes widened, "Should I.. Tell him it was because Shishio knows of our relationship?"
I shake my head gingerly, "N-no. Hiko doesn't have to know about that. Just say I got my ass beat and I am in this hospital now. I'll talk to him when he gets here."
"Are you sure?"
"As sure as I am spending the rest of my life with you."
I see his face reddening at that confession, and he stumbles with his words, "O-oh. Okay. Yeah."
I smile, "What? Are you embarrassed?"
"No.."
"What, then? Do you agree that we should stay together forever?"
Please say yes, Soujiro.
I love you.
He is stunned for what seemed like forever. He knows that I have done this all for him. Protecting him from everyone who is trying to hurt him. Trying to break into his father's laptop if it meant showing him that his old man is not who he says he is. Making love to him so that he can finally know what it's like to be loved at long last. Staying by his side despite losing my friends in the process, because he's more important to me than he realizes. It's all for you, Soujiro. All of it. So, please say yes. Say yes to what I'm trying to tell you. What I've been dying to tell you since you joked about marrying me because all I want to do is spend time with you. Just say it. Just say yes. I love you so much, it hurts.
Arrgh, speaking of hurt..!
"Nurse. I need.. the nurse..!" I groan painfully, the pain suddenly returning to my head and in my face.
Soujiro stumbles up to press an assistance alarm near my bed to call up the nurse, his face still pinched red. As we both wait for someone to come in and give me medication, we look at one another, at a loss for words. Maybe I am speaking madness because of the medicine, or because of the pain, or because of all that's happened. But at the same time, I really do think Soujiro and I would make such a wonderful, lifelong partners. I could have lived my life, blissfully unaware of a passionate love as strong as this. I would have ended up with Kaoru, or with Tomoe, or someone else entirely, who may be of the same background as I am. Someone as poor as me, as troubled as me, as angry at the world as me.. Someone I can feel comfortable with. Someone familiar. Someone I don't feel so strangely around, especially when things like money comes into play.
But.. Maybe true love isn't meant to be comfortable. Maybe it's meant to throw you off balance. Make you do and say things you wouldn't have otherwise have done, if it weren't for the other person. Make you stay up at night, thinking of delicious thoughts of the other person, and feeling also angry that it had to be them, of all people! That's what you mean to me, Soujiro. You're the imbalance in my paradigm that's making me turn into someone I could hardly recognize in the mirror. Someone who wants to really fight for the person he loves most, when he used to care less about anything or anyone else before. You did that, Soujiro. So of course I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's only natural.
As the nurse and doctor check up on me and refill the IV drip, Soujiro steps outside in the hallway to call up Hiko to tell him where we are.
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The One
I don't want you to love me because I'm good for you, because I say and do all the right things. Because I am everything you have been looking for.
I want to be the one that you didn't see coming. The one who gets under your skin. Who makes you unsteady. Who makes you question everything you have ever believed about love. Who makes you feel reckless and out of control. The one you are infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to.
I don't want to be the one who tucks you into bed—I want to be the reason why you can't sleep at night.
— Lang Leav
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I am back on Kenshin's side after he dozes off from the medicine. I just hung up my phone with his stepfather and told him that I am a good friend of his stepson who had to drive him to the hospital. I told him the name and the address of the place, and he said he'll be there in a hurry. I look at my sleeping lover as he snoozes away. Will he wake up in time when Hiko arrives? What will he tell him? What lies will Kenshin have to say to someone else this time? I feel so horrible over this. All Kenshin has done since meeting me was lying to all of his friends and family over me. Over our affair. Have I really helped him like I thought I did, or did I made him worse off than before? I did helped him do better in school, and I did gave Hiko a stable job so that they can both thrive again. But in exchange, Kenshin has to lie and sneak around behind people's backs. He always prided himself over being brutally honest and authentic, but now that he's met me.. He's absolutely changed in ways that shouldn't be encouraged.
I deflate. Oh, Kenshin.
I know what you were trying to ask me before. Of course I want to be with you forever. Of course I want to marry you when we get the chance. Of course you are the one for me. I've done all of this just so I can get close to you, because I am irrationally in love with you. There's just things we have to be careful of if we want to make our dreams come true. I think you are right, in that maybe, my father is hiding something big from this world. If we expose him, then we can be together. Right? As long as we can both leverage the discovery against my father, then my father would do anything to keep our mouths shut.. Even if it means dethroning me from the family company so that I can be with Kenshin in peace.
Father. It's because of you that I hated myself for all these years. It's because of you that I did not wanted to be gay. Because of your homophobia, and disgust over homosexual people. The way you talk about gay men and lesbians, and even against bisexuals too, still shakes me to this day. I hate you. I really do. I fucking hate you and everything you stand for. I would've done anything for you, to make you proud of me. But I'm done. I'm done and done with all of your shit. I've met someone now, someone who accepts me and wants me to be real with myself about what I want in this life. You're going to hate him, father, but that just makes him even more lovely in my eyes. So fuck you, dad. I don't need your approval anymore.
After all of this.. I guess.. This is goodbye.
"Kenshin.." I whisper, gently rubbing the back of my hand against his cheek, the sight of his entire head bandaged up hurting my chest, "Are you awake?"
He groans, but never the less answers me, "Barely."
I smirk, "Okay. I called your dad. He should be here in about twenty minutes or so. Is there.. Anything you want me to tell him? In case you fall back asleep?"
"Hrmm," He hums, "I'll try to stay awake for you, Soujiro. But you shouldn't mention anything that would give our relationship away to him. I think that should be obvious by now that Hiko cannot.. I mean.. He just can't know right now, okay? Not when he's on top of his game right now with the job and the alcohol. I don't.. I don't want him to bring him down to how it used to be before.."
I nod, "I understand. I completely get it. I agree with that. I won't tell him anything about us."
He smiles through the exhaustion, "Thanks."
"But, Kenshin.. What about Shishio? Will you tell your dad that it was him who beat you up like this?"
"Yeah.. I'll tell dad that it was Shishio. That he and his friends wanted to jump me and that I was just defending myself. But you won't be in the story. It'll be about two ruffians getting into senseless violence because of strained history together. Nothing more, nothing less."
"Do you think the cops will.." I stop myself, trying to think of what to say next, "Do you think the other kids called the cops, too?"
"I doubt it. Most people at our school are pretty anti-pig. But if they did called them or if the emergency dispatch did, they don't have a fucking case on me. I defended myself. What is Shishio and his fuckboys gonna say? That it was because they heard that I am gay? Good way to get sued for homophobia, I guess. Nah, they wouldn't talk shit, especially when they are already on police record."
I nod some more, "Yeah. That makes sense. But what if they bring my name up?"
"They're afraid of your father once they hear his name. So as far as I'm concerned, you're safe. And anyway, you have money. You can lawyer up big time and maybe drag Shishio and his crew down to many years in prison. They wouldn't dare."
I sigh, "I guess so. I would bet on it that your father is going to freak the fuck out when he sees you like this, anyhow."
"Let him. Maybe then I can stay home for the rest of the school year."
"What makes you say that?" I blink, curious.
"Well, the school might be liable for this, and they do have rules against this type of bullying. I'm going to be in too much pain to go to class while my face is this messed up, you know."
Oh, Kenshin.
"Did the doctors tell you how long you'll be bandaged up like this?"
"They said that I'm lucky that nothing didn't get super fucked up in my face, but they are discussing the possibility of surgery for some of the broken bones under my eyes and on my nose. I'm gonna be on some pretty hardcore pain medications and antibiotics that makes me want to sleep more so than do anything else, and they do think I should be in bed for as much as I possibly can. So, realistically, they said six to eight weeks before I can get back to normal. Maybe more."
"Jesus." I whisper, shaking my head, "Kenshin, I'm so sorry."
"It's fine. I've gotten beaten up before. Not as bad as this, but close."
"Did they say how long you have to stay at the hospital?"
"I think a week or two, then I can go home to Hiko."
I am quiet for a while, just watching him. He has his eyes closed, but I can see him smirking to himself, as if in disbelief that today had happened. I can't blame the guy. It is fucking crazy that today happened. I am beyond pissed that he got hurt because Sanosuke and Yahiko don't know when to shut the fuck up. I'm going to shame them so hard over this, I swear to God. Better yet, I'm going to shame all of the gang over this if they dare to ask me what happened or where Kenshin is, since he won't be in school for a while. I'll tell them it's their fucking faults that this happened to him. I'll make sure of that. After all they've put us through so far, it's what they deserve, truthfully.
"Kenshin.." I hesitate, unsure if I should ask, "Um.. Since you'll be home from school, and you'll be receiving homework assignments and such online.. Do you.. Um.. Do you suppose it's okay, if I can.. Come over, and—"
"—No."
My heart pangs at that, eyes wavering at what I just heard, "What?"
He grunts, slowly turning his face away from me, "No. I'm sorry, but no."
"But.. But why? Is it because.." I gulp, deciding against adding the following: Because he's poor, and I'm rich, and he's embarrassed over how he lives in contrast to me. Kenshin sighs woefully.
"I'm.. I'm sorry, Soujiro. I just don't want you to look at how I live."
Now I feel desperate and my voice breaks.
"But.. I don't care how you live! Hiko has made some fixtures to the house, hasn't he?"
Kenshin is quiet for the next few beats, and then sighs again, "Yeah. Yeah, he has. It's looking much better than before. It's starting to really feel like a home that a family would live in. But.. I still feel embarrassed. You don't understand. And I don't fault you for that. But.. You've never lived the way I lived like, Soujiro. And I don't want to expose that kind of sadness to you."
Now tears are trickling down my face, "But I'm in love with you, Kenshin! How could I judge you or how you live when I think about you all the time? Do you really think you're just going to prevent me from seeing you for the next couple of months? Is that what you really want?"
He blinks softly at what I just said, looking at my face with an expression I have never seen before, ".. Well, no. Of course I don't want that.."
I hiccup, tears continuing streaming down my face, and I smile bitterly, "Then, let me come over to your place. Please. I can't bare to go six or more weeks without seeing you. Without seeing that handsome face. I want to take care of you, Kenshin. I want to be there for you. Because.. Because that's what a good boyfriend is supposed to do for his boyfriend. Am I right? Or am I speaking nonsense to you?"
He smiles mildly, amused by my passion, "No. I guess not. You are right, Soujiro. I still feel so ashamed."
"There are things about me that if you came to know, I'd die from shame too. But I want to go through this with you, together, as a team. Because that's what we are, Kenshin. A team." I lean in kiss his free hand that is only slightly bandaged up due to a mild sprain, "I love you so much."
Silence.
"I love you too, baby."
"Please let me come over. Please say yes."
Kenshin smiles a little wider, despite all of the bandages that covers his entire head and covering up nearly half his face, "You can come over, Soujiro."
I hold on to that hand of his, just smiling down at him with misty eyes that are now crying out of joy rather than from pain. And in that moment of intimacy, the door swings open, scaring us both half to death. I whip around in time to see Hiko heaving and panting, his face pink and wet with perspiration, "Shinta..!"
Before I knew it, he stumbles in and I quickly take a few steps away from the bed so that he can now stand over the bed where Kenshin is lying in, and I hear him glower, "Dad, seriously.. Just calm do—"
"—Calm down?!How do you expect me to calm down!? Who did this to you?!" Hiko bellows, and I flinch, shrinking back. This is already getting out of hand. What am I supposed to do? Should I step in? Say something? Stay quiet? Let them talk it out?
Kenshin..
Finally, Kenshin replies with a strained voice, "Dad, listen. I got jumped by Makoto Shishio. You don't know him, but I've known the guy for a few years now and he's vermin. He and his guys tried to hurt me for no good reason today, so I just defended myself from him. Boys fucking fight, that's just how it is. It happens."
I could practically hear Hiko gritting his teeth in anger, "Why would that happen? Did you say something to them?"
"I didn't fucking say shit, dad. He always had it out for me. Ask Soujiro. He's right fucking there behind you."
Hiko turns to me, rage filling up his eyes, waiting for me to answer. I gulp, nodding to affirm behind Kenshin's statement, "It's.. It's true, Mr Himura. Kenshin cut through the junkyard to talk to his friends for a bit before coming over to my place to study. But.. Shishio got there before him, and.. They fought. I wasn't there, but someone texted me about the fight, and I drove as fast as I could to find him. I brought him here myself. And.. Don't worry about this surgery costs. It's on me."
Hiko blinks rapidly, "On you? How?"
I chuckle uneasily, looking around at the floor beneath me for a while, before stepping forward to extend my hand out towards him, "Mr Himura, I'm.. Seta Soujiro, of The Seta Enterprise."
"Booyah!" Kenshin suddenly shouts, making Hiko turn his neck to shoot a death glare to his son.
"Kenshin, enough!" He turns back to me, trying to calm his nerves with a deep sigh before taking my hand to shake it, "Mr Seta. It is an honor to finally meet the son of the Enterprise. I am so sorry you had to meet me like this."
I shake my head with a smile, "It's no trouble, really. I'm just as shocked as you are that all of this happened, really. I am also just as furious in your position that Kenshin got hurt like this. As company compensation for your hard work so far, I am obliged to take care of the medical expenses even if the both of you are already insured. We don't want you to leave you behind with the leftover bills. I am good friends with your son, after all, so it's no pressure. I am more than happy to help out."
Hiko gapes at me, unsure of what to say, "I. Um. I, uh.. Thank you, Mr Seta."
I beam, "Please, Mr Seta is my father. Call me Soujiro."
"Soujiro. Alright, then." Hiko smiles at me, but there is still a deep worrisome look in his eyes, "Thank you. For everything."
Everything calmed down after that. Hiko stayed for a bit to talk to Kenshin some more, pressing for details about this incident. Kenshin is such a great liar, though, and made sure not to tell too much or uncover the real intimate relationship between the two of us. I also stepped in to answer some of the questions, and Hiko received them respectfully. I understand that he used to be a cop, and a detective too, on top of that. It does make me nervous. I'm scared he's going to connect the dots somehow, so we try to keep our stories as bland as possible: Shishio is a bully, who likes beating people up for seemingly no good reason, and Kenshin was at the wrong place at the wrong time. That's it. It shouldn't rouse any suspicious in Hiko after telling that story to him. Besides, we even added the fact that Shishio and his pals fucking rape girls in their spare time, so it's only normal that they'd also take up beating people up for fun on the side, too. Suffice to say, Hiko looked absolutely disgusted by that last piece of information.
The doctor soon comes in to have a long discussion with Hiko about the proposed surgery for Kenshin's face, the length it takes for the swelling to go down as well as to heal, the notes they will gladly type up for the school so that he can stay home and do the work there instead, and so on. All the while, I sit in that couch patiently, refusing to leave the room. Refusing to leave my lover like that. After the doctor finally leaves, Hiko turns to me, "So, uh.. Are you gonna get back home alright?"
"Huh? Oh.." I try to hide my blush by looking down, "Yeah, I will. I'll be okay. I'll try to visit Kenshin a few times a week after school and on the weekends too, if that's okay with you. I'd like to go over the homework with him while he rests here."
"That would be great, yes. Gotta keep those grades up. I'm really proud of my son."
"Ohhh, stop it already with the mushy shit!" We hear Kenshin groan annoyingly, and I chuckle quietly to myself.
"I'll also visit every single night after work for visiting hours, son. I'll try to make it every night, if not every other night. Try to rest as much as possible. I'll be here especially for the day of the surgery."
Kenshin scoffs, "Fine."
"Son."
"Okay! I'll see you there!" Kenshin sighs exasperatedly, and I couldn't help but laugh.
"I'll be here on that day too, if that's okay with you, Mr Himura."
"Not a problem by me, kiddo." Hiko nods, "I'll be taking my leave for tonight, but will return tomorrow evening. I hope to see you again, Mr.. I mean, Soujiro."
I nod happily, "Yes! Absolutely!"
Soon, Kenshin and I are alone again after Hiko takes his leave. I am back to rubbing the back of my hand against Kenshin's cheek, while he drags his fingernails against my other forearm lovingly. It's amazing, really. Just how actively loving Kenshin can be, despite the pain, the trauma of getting beaten up like that, and all the medicine making him drowsy otherwise. I fight the tears in my eyes, my smile bittersweet. I had so many fears that this would happen if he and I were to get into a relationship, and I was fucking right. Because of our honesty, it landed Kenshin here in the hospital room. Because of us telling the truth, we lost all of our friends. Because of who we are, the teachers might not give us good grades anymore, barring us from having a good future together. I feared all of this would happen, and it did. That's why I was so hesitant with you and us being together, Kenshin. Precisely because of this. Because my love is so impure, and ugly, and distorted from all that I've suffered before.
So why, Kenshin.. Why do you still love me, so?
Kenshin..
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Everything feels so surreal. Between being a normal happy son for my father, who has now brought home a new lover, a woman named Murata Masako.. And being a hard working student at school, I had to keep everything inside of me stable when all I want to do is break down sobbing. Especially in the middle of the day when it all feels so hopeless. The teachers don't seem to be behaving any differently with me so far, and the students are only confused as to why I am no longer speak to the gang. Some were kind enough to take me in, offering me a seat to study with them, eat lunch with them, and ask about Kenshin's well being. I made it a point to avoid Sanosuke and Yahiko, especially, since they seemed to do nothing but glare at me whenever chance they get. Or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe they're just looking at me, wondering where Kenshin could be. They should know by now, right? This fight shit has been spreading like wildfire all over the school.
I see police men coming onto school grounds to have private discussions with the faculty, as well as with the principal, about who Kenshin and Shishio are, and why the events unfolded in that way. I feel so tense and nervous whenever I'd see someone dressed in all blue walking around and checking the different rooms out, to speak with the teachers in it for more information on the case. I'd always hope they wouldn't look at me and find me suspicious. I caught the eyes of one police officer, and I quickly looked away, walking with my head down as I head down to Biology class. I could've sworn he stopped walking to look at me walking away, as if wanting to stop to talk to me. But luckily.. He moved on. That was so close.
I pay attention to my teachers when they speak, but I seem to go out of focus from time to time. I keep thinking about Kenshin, and how he's pulling up at the hospital. I was there on the day of his surgery, and I had to keep everything I had in me to not break down sobbing when he came out of the surgery room with more bandages wrapped up all over his face and head. I couldn't see his eyes or his lips or any other parts that I remember kissing so fondly back then. Hiko looked absolutely gutted when he saw all the dressings around his son's head. I am beyond done calling Hiko just his stepfather from that day forward; He truly is Kenshin's father, because only a real dad would look at their poor child like that when they get hurt. I felt so heartbroken when he excused himself to go somewhere in private to.. What I assume, to cry to himself. Of course he'd do that. I would, too. In fact, I had, sobbed into my hands when Hiko left the room.
The teachers in all of my classes pulled me aside to ask me if everything was okay with me, since they know of my close friendship with Kenshin. And I disarmed them with my usual jokes and charm, and though a couple of them still seemed gravely upset by this turn of events, most of them just patted me on the back to console me and to give me his homework to take. On some nights, I'd do twice the homework, on papers he couldn't possibly type up from his hospital bed. I made notes for the both of us to study when I'd visit him to read to, as well. I am very busy these days because of Kenshin, but I do not mind it one bit. I like taking care of him like this. I love him with all of my heart too much not to!
And suddenly, this happens.
"Hey."
I snap from my daydreams one day, looking from the side, as the last bell for the school days rings. I'm in the hallway right now, taking some stuff into my book bag from my locker, preparing myself to go visit Kenshin again at the hospital. It's been a week since he landed in the emergency room from getting beaten by Shishio, and just as long as I've last Shishio or any of his shoddy friends. And the person who said that just now, is none other than Sanosuke Sagara. He looks super serious right about now, which is a bit irksome, since he is usually the class clown in the school as well as in the gang. He's alone this time, talking to me, without Yahiko or Megumi or Kaoru around, making it even more awkward and tense. Everyone walks by, chatting and laughing and being completely unaware of the tension between him and I.
At first, I was staring at him in confusion, but remembering what he did to me and Kenshin in a couple of seconds, I go back to giving him a glare. I close my eyes and turn my head back on straight ahead, slamming my locker door shut before turning around to walk away, "Hmph."
"Hey, I was talking to you!" Sanosuke quickly walks up from behind me to walk side by side now, "What happened to Kenshin? He's been missing for a week with no sign of him anywhere!"
"Oh, so now you care!" I respond curtly and with a biting tone, refusing to look at him as I kept walking.
"Well yeah, I'll always fucking care about him! I'm sorry Yahiko and I were dicks, but believe it or not, we're not exactly perfect citizens of society, so don't expect us to always act as perfectly as your other rich fucking friends!"
I abruptly stop walking to whip around at him in anger, "Don't talk about my other friends! You don't know anything about them, so just stop it! And besides, it's not like I've kept in steady in contact since I've moved here and gotten to know Kenshin! Don't talk shit when it was you and Yahiko who couldn't keep shit to themselves!"
"So, what, Kenshin is hiding away at home or something?"
I stared at him, bewildered, "You've got to be kidding me! You mean you haven't heard? About the fight?"
"Yeah, I heard about a fight, but we were all caught up with Kaoru's emotional trauma—"
"—Trauma?" I seethe, and I shake my head, my anger dissolving into a sad chuckle, "What a laugh. Tell her she'll know what trauma is when she knows what it's like to have the entire school against you just because you're gay. Because you're in love with someone you're not supposed to. I'm sorry she got cheated on. Really, I am. I didn't fucking tell Kenshin to do that to her.. He broke my heart when he did that to me too, you know!"
He grunts, not knowing what to say, "Soujiro, I.. I'm sorry. I didn't came here to start a fight."
"Then why are you bothering me?!"
"Because!" He shuts his eyes, realizing how loud he was being and how students were looking on from over their shoulders, and he tries to calm down before muttering the next few words, "We don't.. Hate you guys because you love each other or whatever. We're just upset that Kenshin lied to us, and hurt Kaoru a lot in the process. That's all."
I swallow a painful lump in my throat, blinking away the tears in my eyes, "Whatever. Kenshin's in the hospital now thanks to Makoto Shishio."
"What?" Sanosuke opens his eyes, "He's at the hospital?"
"Yes." I look down at the floor glumly, "Shishio beat him up so badly that he had to go under surgery to fix some fractures on the bones of his face. Thankfully everything came back normal, but.. It hurts. It hurts seeing him like that.."
"Soujiro," Sanosuke straightens up, his eyes wavering as I can see the rage rising up in them, "We'll take care of Shishio for you two. I promise. Just.. Is it okay if we can visit him?"
I scoff, "Yeah. Right."
"Can you at least.. ask him? Can you do that, at the very least?"
"I don't know if Kenshin would want to see you all right now. But.. sure.. I'll ask him."
He smiles a little, still seemingly unsure and weird about all of this, "Soujiro. Thank you. I do have.. Something else I want to ask you."
I look at him, waiting.
"He, um. Kenshin, I mean. He mentioned something.. about your father.. the night we were supposed to have that sleepover at your place. That he feels, like.. Like your father is doing something bad, or like.. Alright, I'll cut to the shit, but is your father hurting you at all?"
I gape at him, stunned. Kenshin said that? Why would he do that? I of course have always felt curious about what dark secrets my father is hiding from me, but.. I don't know if I'm ready to let the whole world know of what my father did to me back then. I don't even remember most of it, anyway. That's the weird thing about trauma, and how it just blacks out most of the memories away in your subconscious. It's better if I don't unlock them now while the semester will soon come to an end. I don't know if I am ready to directly confront them now when Kenshin is all alone and vulnerable at the hospital. It just can't end well. I shake my head quickly, my eyes shutting, "No! No, we can't! We just can't talk about this, Sano!"
He grunts, surprised by my outburst, "But why, dude?! Even I'm getting fucking worried about you! If your dad is hurting you or has hurt you, you should.. You should lean on us, Soujiro! We acted like fucking assholes to you two for a while, but.. We really don't hate either of you! We want to.."
I open my eyes, tears now tickling the rims of my eyes, "I'm so afraid, Sano! There are cops everywhere now! If they know of my father's.. secrets.. the Enterprise that we've cultivated for so many years now, that gave us the income to thrive.. all of it would just crumble down.. I don't know if I want to ruin my father's life like that.."
He looks at me in a serious, foreboding manner, and finally asks me pointedly, "The same way your father ruined your life, Soujiro?"
I stare at him, deeply shocked, "..."
He sighs, "Look. It is hard. I know how it is. My old man beats me, and there are so many days where I wish I could just fucking kill him for what he's done to me. At the same time, I worship him because he's the one who brought me up and took care of my mom. It's hard to separate these feelings we have over our parents because we're all blood bonded for our entire lives, that it's hard to just see them as anything else but our parents. But parents aren't supposed to hurt you, Soujiro. Sooner or later.. There comes a moment in your life when you should hold your father responsible for his actions, as a separate individual, and not just as his son. You're more than that role you were born into, Soujiro. You're a human being, with your own life, with a bright future ahead of him. And I don't mean the fucking Enterprise. I want you to forge your own path, without your father there having to dictate it. Kenshin wants you to be happy without your father's approval. Because honestly? It sounds like the old fuck doesn't give a shit even if you jumped a thousand hoops for him. Isn't that right?"
Now I'm crumbling down into a sobbing mess. Great. Just fucking great. As I cry into my hands, hiccuping and sniffling like a little child, Sanosuke just stands near me, not saying anything and just letting me have this in peace. He's right. He's fucking right and I know it. None of what my father has done or is doing now is normal or healthy. He really did ruined my life, my childhood, and.. I cover my mouth suddenly, trying to swallow down the vomit that's trying to come up, and Sano calls out my name softly and in confusion, making me shake my head, whispering, "I'm sorry, Sano. I'm just.. So upset.. But.. You're right. You're right. I.. I need help.. I need help getting into m-my father's.."
"Your father's what?"
"His.. His laptop."
Silence.
"Is there something bad on it?" Sanosuke asks, and I flinch inwardly.
".. Y-yeah."
He nods, "I know someone who's really good with computers and with hacking. Is your father home today?"
"No."
"Good. Mind giving me a lift to your place now, then? I'll call the guy from your car so that we can then go pick him up. And Soujiro?"
I turn to him, surprised, "Yeah?"
He smirks, laying a hand on my shoulder, "Thanks for telling me all of this. I'm still sore over me and Yahiko trying to hit you with that volleyball, but.. I'm serious when I say that we really don't care about you and Kenshin being together. I'm glad Kenshin is happier now thanks to you."
I smile, tears still streaming down my face, "Yeah.. I'm really sorry about Kaoru. It really wasn't supposed to be like this, but.. I guess things got carried away when it shouldn't have happened. So, we're both really sorry about that too. How is she, by the way?"
"She's still torn up but she's coping. We're there for her so I know she'll pull through eventually. Kaoru's a lot stronger than she lets on, honestly. That's probably one of the many reasons why she's like a sister to us."
"Yeah," I smile wider, "She really is awesome."
"Yeah. Let's go, then. We've got a laptop to break into!"
I chuckle, "Yeah!"
Deep down, though.. I'm so nervous.
Am I ready to face the darkness?
I wish Kenshin was here with me right now.
(To be continued)