"I'm a true slave to the fire and the air around you
While this cursed divine is slowly rotting away inside me"
- Deftones
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Just as I suspected.
I woke up too late to go to school.
My dad came into my room and asked me why I haven't been up yet to get dressed, or have any breakfast. Upon the look on my face though, he realized that I wasn't feeling too well to go to school in person for today, and told me to just stay in. My head feels so bad. I really pushed myself way too hard yesterday, with the sex and doing drugs in Misao's room. He doesn't know about any of those things, of course, but that doesn't mean that I won't pay the price for it.
And I am paying the price for it.
Dearly.
"Jesus fuck." I groan, holding an ice pack over my head.
"Kenshin," My dad shakes his head with a taunting sound, "Language."
I groan louder, but decide not to protest further. It'll only make it worse.
"I'll call the school and tell them you'll be out for today," He gets off from the side of my bed after taking my temperature, "I honestly didn't think you were in any way, shape or form capable of going to school in person just yet. But I guess you had other plans."
I sigh, "And now look."
"And now look."
I smirk, the ice pack nearly covering my entire face, "Touché."
He sighs, "Just take it easy for today, alright? You are doing way too much and already so soon after the surgery, too. I'll be home early today so that I can make you your favorite dinner, at the very least. Got a lot of work to get behind. You'll be alright on your own before that though, right?"
"Yeah.." I peek from under the ice bag at him, "Hey, dad? Did you manage to get anything about the Seta family yet?"
He shakes his head, "Not yet. I notice he carries a particular laptop with him wherever he goes, though, so I'm guessing that's what I should be focusing on."
I grunt, "He wants to meet me this Friday evening."
He blinks at me, "Oh, yeah? Just you, alone?"
I nod, confirming. He frowns.
"Then.." He clicks his tongue, "There is a way for you to help me, after all."
"Apparently Aoshi Shinomori and my other friend, Arai Shakku, wants to break into his laptop to gather his intel."
He nods, "Then that's out of the way for me. I'll look into something else about him, instead."
Maybe he can look into Soujiro's mom for me? I know it's a touchy subject for Soujiro, and I know it was a cause of a big fight between the two of us before we officially started dating. I don't know how I'm going to deal with his wrath if he ever finds out I am going to still poke around his mother's background like this, but at the same time, I know this is something that is incredibly important in the grand scheme of things. Something just isn't adding up, and I need my dad's help with this.
"His late wife," I grunt, the ice bag feeling too cold against my face now, "I can't help but think there's more to the story than what Soujiro told me. Can you find out more about his previous marriage?"
He rubs his chin, watching me intently, "Hmm. I think I can do that. Absolutely. Why, if I may ask?"
"Soujiro told me she died of Leukemia, but I've never found any information about her anywhere. I looked everywhere, but there's no obituary page for her or anything. And there's like.. no photos of her anywhere inside their house."
"That is strange," He shakes his head, "I still have your mother's photos somewhere here, and those are quite old by now. You don't just forget about someone special like that."
I blink at him. He really cared about my mom so much, now that I think about it. There's lots I can't remember when it comes to her. But maybe showing Soujiro a photo of my own mother might help soften my approach in getting me to learn more about his mom?
"Where can.. I find those photos, dad?"
"Hmm?" He blinks, "Oh. Uh, that might be a bit hard for me to answer right now. Might have to do a little digging. But if memory serves me correct, I did collected all of her stuff and placed them in some boxes somewhere around here. You might want to check the attic."
The attic. Of course.
"But," He sighs wearily, "You really should rest. Don't strain yourself too hard today, if you can help it. I gotta go, I'm about to be late for work. You behave yourself, alright?"
I grimace and then grin at him, "I'll be good today, dad. Got get 'em."
He laughs, "Alright. Just text or call if you need anything."
"Sure. See you, dad."
He politely closes my bedroom door and goes on to work. I grab my phone to send a text in the group chat that I'll be out for today from school. In just a minute after I posted that, the phone starts vibrating off the hook with Soujiro, Sano, Yahiko, Misao, and Megumi sending their condolences and for me to feel better soon. Seeing Soujiro's name made my heart leap happily in my chest. I was about to send him an individual text, but he beat me to the punch by texting me this outside of the group chat: I'm going to miss you so much today. Last night was amazing. I love you. Get well soon.
I sigh happily before responding: I wish I was there to see you right now. Take care.
It's good to know that Soujiro's in school and not too fucked up after having late night sex with me. Doubly so over the fact that his own dad doesn't seem to suspect a thing. Otherwise, I wouldn't have heard from him. That's good. I don't want to hold Soujiro back from a good education, and the opportunity to move on to bigger, better things after graduation. Now that I think about it, even if I can't get into the same university as he will—on account of his grade point average having been historically much higher than mines is—I can always just do something nearby so that I can stay close to him. I wonder if he'll still go for political science or whatever to try to take over the family business. I hope he doesn't. I know he wants to be a veterinarian for the animals, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let him run away from his own dreams.
What can I say? I've grown attached to the guy, and want nothing but the very best for him.
Well, since I'll be stuck here with a migraine, I might as well catch some rest. The ice pack slowly died down to a state of lukewarm, and I tossed it aside. Dad made sure to bring in extra painkillers on my bed side for me to take liberally and as needed, so I swallowed a few to bring the pain down. I could eat breakfast, but I'm still so weak and tired. I close my eyes and take a nice morning nap.
...
A couple of hours later, I awake feeling much better. I go downstairs to make myself some semblance of a brunch for myself: white rice with pickled plums, fried fish and a bowl of miso soup. Thank god for our new income and being able to eat nutritional meals for once. When my dad Hiko was unemployed, we tried to stretch the nutrition per yen as much as we could possibly get away with, and with plenty of shitty junk food in between. I was secretly resentful of having to eat so much instant ramen this past year before I met Soujiro and before he hooked my dad up with a hot new job. There's so much I have to be thankful for thanks to the both of them.
I've got to find those photos of my mom. I know seeing her face might make me feel bittersweet, or even depressed over the fact that she's no longer here with us. But I think it'll be the key to my search of truth to all of this. I place the plates in the kitchen sink before heading up the stairs again. The attic door is in Hiko's room, and I am immediately blessed with the scent of candle wax in his room. I'm honestly proud of how far he has come since he's gotten this job, to be honest; I don't want to know how bad this room smelled due to his alcoholism and the sickness.
I look up and see a long string attached on the door to pull down. I am careful as I do this, the door creaking soundly as I pull downward towards me. The stairs are folded and, luckily since I stand a little taller than average, I am able to unfold it. Now I am able to climb up. The whole thing feels rickety and questionable, and I could very well get injured if I continue.
But I don't care.
One thing about me?
I ain't afraid of no heights or doing stupid shit that could easily get me hurt. I know my dad said I should take it easy, but where's the fun in that?
I'm going to find those goddamn photos if it's the last thing I'll do!
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Poor Kenshin.
I am now heading down to my third period class and try to focus on what the teacher is saying, to no avail. I can't stop thinking about him, or about last night. Did I really made him do all of that, just for me? I sunk into my chair, rubbing my eyes miserably. God, I feel so tired today. No amount of caffeine seems to be working, either. I wonder if maybe I should just go home early today. But then that would arouse my father's suspicion if he catches me trying to come back home early, now wouldn't it? I sigh bitterly to myself. I really can't believe I had to be born from that pathetic excuse for a man, instead of someone more normal.
I really hope Kenshin is okay while he's at home. School is just not the same without him. Anytime I try to focus on what the teachers are saying, or what to write down for my notes so that I can share with him later, it only proves more and more difficult as the day drags on. I have the privilege to at least still be able to talk with the gang from time to time to keep me sane; Sanosuke especially seems to know how to make me laugh whenever we would walk together in the hallways in between classes, or how Yahiko would cheer me up with some personal stories about his own life or something funny that happened to him recently.
Even the girls have really started to softened up towards me considerably. Megumi and I would talk about when's the next time we should do shopping together like the old days, and Misao would share pictures of her pet rabbit with me and would ask me about my past with my pet dog. I think maybe I should take them all out for lunch today, just so I can stop thinking about the guilt I feel around Kenshin.
Oh wait. I can't take them anywhere. I don't have my car with me.
"Don't sweat it. We can take my truck," Sanosuke shrug once we're all walking in the hallways before the bell rings for our lunch period together, "Can't stand the shit they serve here."
"I'll say." Megumi yawns.
I giggle, "Sure thing! What are we in the mood for?"
"I want sushi!" Misao gleefully starts jumping up and down. I laugh.
"I know the perfect place for that!" I look through my regular phone, "Kenshin and I go there all the time together."
"Oooh, like a lover's secret nest." Megumi coolly laughs behind her hand.
Sanosuke sneers, "Gross. Why are couples so lame?"
"Because you're an unromantic brute." Megumi murmurs before looking away with a grimace.
"What did you say, woman!?" Sanosuke confronts her full-voiced.
"She called you a horse's ass!" Yahiko pipes up with a shit eating smile. Sanosuke immediately thumps him on the head with his open palm, "Ow!"
"Knock it off, already!" Misao groans, "Let's just go to the restaurant."
We all agree, heading out of the school building to go into the parking lot.
I still wish Kenshin was here with me.
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I am scouring through all the boxes in the attic. It smells so dusty and old up here. I keep coughing and hacking for air. Goddamn, this sucks. I looked through all the old memorabilia of my childhood pictures, Hiko's college shit, and other stuff that I don't care about to mention. Old bills and letters of shit that feel like ancient history in my hands. I keep looking and finally happen upon a larger box. I open and can feel the air deflate from my lungs; there are framed photographs of a slender, redheaded woman, staring at me with brilliant blue eyes and a boastful smirk on her face.
Wow. It's my mom.
She was so beautiful.
I let my fingers trail over the photograph that hides behind the glass. She could have maybe have modeled at some point in her life. Her hair is long and brilliantly tinted in scarlet, and her makeup is carefully applied to perfection. I have to wonder if Hiko has pictures of my father? I blink rapidly and go through the box's contents carefully, but all there are, are more photographs of my mother, either by herself, or with me. There are video cassette tapes on the bottom, too, all dated during the 90's before she had me. I don't think we have the appropriate players right now to play them, which sucks. I really want to know what her voice sounds like.
There is a photo album full of other pictures of her from when she was younger. Her childhood pictures from her years spent in Hiroshima. My grandparents when they were younger, and photos of my mom while she was running around, playing in her room or outside somewhere. There are even photos of my mom doing something kind of crazy, like swinging on a tree branch when she was in her preteens. I smirk. I guess that's where I got my wild side from. There's photos of her in high school, linking arms with all sorts of people. She sort of reminds me of Soujiro, in a way; charismatic and full of love for other people.
I wonder what my mom would think if she ever got the chance to meet Soujro today.
That's when I found something else; newspaper clippings. I read through them curiously. There are some that are about court hearings over a young mother who is trying to fight for the custody of her son against the biological father. I frown, my eyes wavering. Is this about us? I continue to read on: The court has indicated that the father did tried to fight for the custody of the baby boy, but the mother absolutely refused to give him even visitation rights. Something about her not feeling safe around him. There is another newspaper clipping about the father disappearing completely without a trace, and that the court decides to just let the mother have her baby in her lawful custody.
So.. my father was a dangerous man. I wonder if he was hitting mom, or was trying to kill her. Did he maybe tried to hurt me? I wonder if my dad Hiko could tell me more about her. Would he want to? Would he feel too guilty or scared to tell me more about her, somehow? I can see more objects in the box, of notepads and notebooks that no doubt belonged to my mother. I could look through them all, but I'm starting to feel a little tired already. I think I'll leave this for another time. There is so much I need to do first before I decipher my own past.
Mom.. Be honest. Were you ever happy, when you were alive and with my real dad?
Or did he always made you want to die instead?
I look back on my mother's photo, her eyes now looking poignant, as if she is trying to talk to me through the glass now. Oh, mom. I can't even imagine your fear. I touch her photograph again, wishing I could will her into existence so that I can have the chance to at least hug her. I take a small photograph of her, wearing a summer dress, with a back drop of a beach behind her. There is a small baby cradling her arms, no doubt that boy being Shinta Himura.
I think I'll show Soujiro this picture.
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[Wednesday night at the Seta Residence.]
I saw Kenshin today at school again. He's doing a lot better again, thankfully. He still has that bandage over this nose and refuses to take it off. Our friends kept badgering to take it off so that the stitches can come off, but he waved them away, saying that he'll do it when he's home alone. Megumi offered to ask her mom for some skin care products on account of her being a cosmetologist, and see what they can do about the scarring. Kenshin reluctantly agreed to it, which makes me feel calm.
Unfortunately, that sense of calm came to an end tonight, when I now have to have dinner with my bride-to-be.
It's nearly supper time now at my place. I am wearing a white dress shirt, black slacks, and some nice shoes. My stomach is quivering with anxiety and dread. I'm furious that I have to do this, but I really don't have any other choice. We are all to have dinner here at my house. Father wanted to maybe go out to a restaurant, but since he is needed at work straight afterwards, he figured this would be better for all involved.
I bite the inside of my cheek. Fucking bastard. Everything has to be either his way, or the highway!
I walk downstairs to the living room. Mrs Oguni is busying with herself tidying up the place a little before our guests arrive. As soon as her eyes catches sight of me, she promptly stands up and takes a bow to give her salutations. I don't respond to her any way, already unhappy with tonight's endeavors. Why? Why can't I just be left alone? Why can't I just be with the boy I love? Why must I live this life? Why can't I just be who I am without being punished for it? I feel so alone in this world without Kenshin by my side.
"Master Soujiro," She straightens up from her bowing position, "May I start you off with wine, or some type of appetizer?"
I shake my head, "I'm fine. I'll wait."
"Very well. May I seat you at the table?"
I nod, and she outstretches her arm towards me so that I can walk on over to her. Her demeanor is much more serious than usual. Is it possible that she is also unhappy for what is about to happen? She already knows I am in love with Kenshin. Father must have told her the news that I am to be married to this young girl that we are about to meet, instead. If only there is something she can do to stop this.
But, yet again.. What choice do we have?
Soon, we are joined in by none other than the son of a bitch himself. My father is donning a more expensive looking outfit, I suppose to impress his current beau. I have to wonder if things are getting serious between them. It would not surprise me, honestly. Otherwise, why would he be so anxious to marry me off to someone in her family? I guess we really are all about to join together in holy matrimony, no matter what happens.
"Ah, Master Tsukino," Mrs Oguni does her courtesy, "Dinner will be ready in just a moment. May I offer you something to drink?"
"Wine. Chardonnay."
"Certainly." She leaves us to head towards the kitchen and shuts the door behind her.
I evade my father's eyes as I stare on the floor. He doesn't say anything to me, but I can feel his eyes burning into me.
"You look good. Masako brought that shirt for you during our last trip. It's Italian."
I grunt, ".. I see."
"And her second cousin, Kubota Asahi, is a real fan of everything Italian."
I don't say anything. The air is suspenseful by my silence.
Thankfully, Mrs Oguni comes back with the glass of Chardonnay for father. He takes it from the wooden plate she had it sit on and takes a sip, nodding, "Wonderful. Be sure the bottle is ready for their arrival."
"Certainly, Master."
"Soujiro," He turns back to me, "Remember what I told you."
I finally slide my eyes over to him, nodding, "Yes, Father."
Kill me. Just kill me now.
...
I am now sitting in the dining room. Father sits all the way at the other end of the long table. In just a few moments of a long, silent breadth between us, the door behind him opens to welcome in our guests. Murata Masako, a woman who looks to be about in her mid to late thirties, is a graceful woman who adorns herself in beautiful jewelry. Her makeup is impeccable, her hair is midnight black and long, and her clothing gives off a regal air to her. She definitely is a woman who comes from old money. Her second cousin, a girl just about my age, is Kubota Asahi; this one has bobbed, dark locks and deep emerald green eyes. She wears a simple dark dress with white lacing.
If I had been born a straight guy, I would honestly be swooned over Asahi's looks. She's a.. Well.. She's a handsome, young girl. There's really nothing wrong or off putting about her appearances at all. She has a nice face, and her body looks.. For a lack of better terms, healthy. She looks like she knows how to be pretty, if that makes sense. Her symmetry is nearly perfect. She has a nice sense of style.
Despite all of that, though.. I don't yearn or feel a stir for her.
I already know that I am gay. But sometimes, when I am in a situation like this, or whenever I catch myself accidentally looking at some girl that has nothing wrong with her, I feel some type of sadness that I can't feel arousal towards her like other boys can. I suppose a tiny part of me hopes that somehow, someway, I can still be normal. Even Kenshin is capable of feeling attraction towards women, still. All of his friends can have a normal love life. I don't have that opportunity at all meanwhile. I am just made to suffer in silence.
It just reminds me of how alone I truly am in this world.
They are properly seated and dinner begins. The first one to talk, of course, is my father. He turns to his girlfriend and says, "Darling, you look ravishing tonight. Is that a new perfume?"
"Oh, so you finally noticed," She purrs, laughing behind her manicured hand, "Numéro un Majesté impériale. Clive Christian. A gift from an old friend."
"And is our little one into perfumes as well?" My father damn near leers into our younger guest. I shudder secretly to myself.
She nods, "Yes. But they have to be organic. It seems I am sensitive to the alcohol."
Masako beams, "She takes very well care of herself. She wants to get into the beauty industry outside of her studies."
"And what is it that you want to do?" My father asks.
"I want to be the wife of a CEO or a President." Asahi's smile looks so real for just a moment, that even I fell for it.
But her eyes give her away. I know that's not what she wants.
"Is that all you want to do?" I ask her, surprising the other two older adults that I'm jumping into the conversation.
Asahi hums to herself before responding, "Well, I do want to open up a makeup line of some sort. I really enjoy the idea of organic cosmetics and I know there's lots of money to be made there."
Masako pipes in, "Now now, dear, are you really going to waste your youth on such frivolities?"
Asahi only looks down on her food, unresponsive.
"I think that's interesting," I smile, for some reason wanting to stand up for the young girl, "This business idea of yours will certainly make a lot of profit. I have some female friends who enjoys makeup."
Father stares at me with a look that I don't think I like at all. As if he's ashamed that I am so close to women in a platonic manner, yet having no sexual interest in them. Or that I'm not well versed in male bravado instead, and having a ton of male friends in order to be a bunch of misogynistic hooligans in general. To him, I'm just a pansy.
Asahi turns to me and smiles politely, "They sound lovely. I would like to be well acquainted with them sometime."
I beam at her. At least I made a new friend, if nothing else.
"Well, I for one believe that a woman has no business in.." Father chews down his piece of steak before continuing, ".. Business."
"Old fashioned, aren't we?" Masako laughs, "Although, thank goodness I never had to work a day in my life."
What is this, a time leap into the past? I thought I was living in the year 2018, not 1958!
"My son Soujiro will certainly make sure that the young and lovely Asahi won't also have to work a day in her life once they are to be married. Isn't that right, son?" My father smirks at me from across the table.
I would love nothing more than to take another glass of wine to swing it at his face. Instead, I smile, my eyes not crinkling to go along with it, though. My smile then slowly fades and I stare at him, completely deadpan. Our guests slowly turn towards my father as his own smirk fades away, looking at Masako with an awkward smile before clearing his throat.
"Well now, let's have a toast," Father outstretches his arm in front of him as he holds his glass, "To the budding romance between Seta Soujiro, and Kubota Asahi."
Like I said.. just kill me now.
...
After dinner, my father and his girlfriend decides to have private dessert in his bedroom. We are instructed to have our sweets in the tea room, all the way on the other side of the mansion. It's a very lovely room. Certainly a place I would love to spend time in with Kenshin instead of this girl. She does seem to be a lovely person all on her own. But to now know that I have to marry her someday.. Well, let's just say, I'm already itching to get away from her and to just go back to my room so that I can contact Kenshin.
I hope he is doing okay at home.
We are having sweet cake, tea, and a little bit of dessert wine. She seems quiet during this meal, and I watch her. I wonder what's her backstory. Is this arrangement something that she wants, or something she is secretly just as resentful of as I am? I suppose there's only one way to find out.
"So," I set my tea cup down before smiling at her, "Tell me a little bit about yourself. Father hasn't really explained much about you, except that you are chasing after marriage after you are done with finishing school."
She has her eyes closed, contemplating on what to say. The fireplace is cackling with the flames roaring on top of the wood. Finally, she opens her eyes and sighs, obviously annoyed with this conversation already, "I don't mean to offend you, my good sir. But you are hardly my type."
I gape at her. Then, I start laughing, "My! You are an honest one, aren't you?"
She glares at me, giving a small 'hmph' sound before taking a sip of her tea. Not exactly a sociable girl, I'm guessing?
"So then," I blink at her in curiosity now, "Who's idea was it to marry you off to me?"
"You're quite dull witted in spite of what my Masoko-dear told me so far," She grumbles, "It was my parents' idea."
I blush, feeling embarrassed, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable."
She is silent, watching the floor beneath our feet.
"This is also my father's idea," I put down my tea cup to now enjoy the dessert wine, "It was really sudden. I really don't know what to expect, honestly."
She is still silent. Maybe I should stop talking. Clearly she's had enough of today. But just when I try to let the conversation die between us, she grunts uneasily, grabbing a hold the hem of her dress, "I was.. Caught. With my girlfriend."
I blink at her, now grunting in surprise. What?
"Your.. girlfriend?"
"That's right. I am a lesbian."
I can feel the room now spinning inside my head. So there's another one like myself that I could be related to, somehow? I look at her while she keeps gazing at the floor somberly, as if caught once more of her indiscretion.
"But how?" I whisper.
She sighs again, "It's embarrassing. But she came over for a sleepover, and I was being careless. My mother found me just when I was about to take her out of her skirt. It was pretty obvious of what we were about to do. And now all of a sudden.. it was time for me to get married. To 'get right', or so she says."
I shake my head, "That's horrible."
She nods, her eyebrows knitted together.
"I was.. Well," I grunt, looking down at my own dress shirt, "I'm not caught yet, per say.. But I think.. My dad knows that I am in a secret relationship with a boy right now. So he wants to marry me off to a woman, so that we can be normal when I will eventually take over his company."
She is now looking at me, her disposition more softer than now than before, "So you're a homosexual, then?"
"I am."
She looks at me for a while, before smiling warmly, "I see. It looks like we're both in a horrible situation together."
I exhale with a smile, "I know. But it's weird. I feel.. less lonely now than before."
"Hmm?" She blinks, "Is your boyfriend not gay or something?"
I chuckle awkwardly, "Not really. He loves me a lot, don't get me wrong! But he totally lead the straight life before meeting me."
"Oh," she crinkles her nose, "One of those types, I see. Well. I sure hope he's worth the effort."
I lean my elbows on my thighs now, sighing and closing my eyes dreamily, "He is. You should meet him. He's.. different."
She watches me intently for a while, before standing up from the couch, "Soujiro. I'm really not going to lie to you. But you have to be careful about boys like that."
"Huh?" I blink up at her now, "Boys like that? What do you mean?"
She turns towards me now, "I mean.. You said he hasn't been with other boys before you?"
I shrug, "I don't know. I guess not."
She nods as if understanding, "And this relationship you have with him.. Did he kept it as a huge secret? Made you feel more closeted than before?"
I lean back into the couch, looking up at the ceiling now, "I mean. I told him that we have to keep things a secret. I was actually the one who didn't wanted to have a serious relationship before. But he.. he was relentless. He fell in love with me."
I watch as she turns around completely, her face now opening up to a quiet surprise, "Really?"
I nod.
She smirks, "That's nice and all. But these difficulties in having to keep you a secret for your own sake.. Has he been respectful of that so far?"
I blink at her. Now that she's mentioned it, it is true that Kenshin is the one who wants to peel back this private love affair between us so as to become a public spectacle. Though he was very much ashamed and secretive before.. I feel like he was the first one between us two who wants things to come out into the open before I felt ready to. I thought maybe he did that because he loves me and hates having to live this double life..
But..
"I don't know, Soujiro," She turns back around to walk towards the bookcase to check out the titles we have, "Maybe it's just me. But I have to wonder if maybe this relationship is more of an exciting novelty for him, than something actually serious. I've seen this type of thing before playing out with my other friends, and they.. Well. Let's just say, their exes had enough of this "lifestyle" before going back to greener, more normal pastures. If you catch my drift."
What is that supposed to mean?
"No I don't," I stand up from the couch, her head turning to look over her shoulder at me again, "Honestly, Asahi? You don't know Kenshin like I do. He would never give up on me. He's been nothing but relentless in making sure I feel loved and secure in this relationship."
She just stares at me with an inexpressive face now, as if unconvinced. But she doesn't continue. Instead, she turns back around to look at the books again. I blink at her, frowning in confusion. What is her problem? Is this something she has experienced before, and is now projecting it onto me? Onto Kenshin, on top of that? I have to wonder about what her friends went through, exactly, because maybe there's more to the story than what she's now telling me.
I grunt, looking down at the floor in annoyance. Whatever. I don't have to take this. I huff, sitting back down on the couch, before I take out my phone to start texting Kenshin: Are you awake?
I look back at her. She's reading through a book now. My phone vibrates.
Soujiro! Everything alright?
Yeah. :) I'm just.. thinking about you.
Aw. That's sweet. What are you up to?
Dinner with dad and his concubine. Whoops, I mean, his girlfriend.
Lmao, gross. Wish you were here with me instead.
Me too. :( How's your face?
It's getting better. The stitches are still there and I don't know when they'll fall out. I worry it's gonna leave a scar there.
Omg. Please listen to Megumi! She's into that skin care stuff.
I know. It just feels dumb to care about that stuff. All I ever use is fucking soap on my face.
I chuckle to myself. I hear my guest turning the page of a book, ignoring me.
You're a handsome guy, Kenshin. You ought to care more about your looks, honestly.
No way. You're the prettier one in this relationship.
Noooo shut uppppp
It's true. :D
I totally ruined you, Kenshin. You almost never use smilies.
You didn't ruin me, Soujiro. You made me so much better than ever before.
I sigh contently. He makes me feel so happy, I could die.
You're just saying things, Kenshin..
It's true, though. My life is infinitely much better now that I've met you. I'm serious.
See? Asahi is wrong! Kenshin does love me and proves it so to me every single day. She has no clue on what she's even talking about! I keep texting Kenshin, determine to ignore my guest in return.
You are also the best thing that has ever happened to me, Kenshin. I love you.
I love you too, Soujiro. I haven't gotten the chance, but there's something I want to show you tomorrow. Something important.
Can't wait. What are we doing for Valentine's day?
Valentine's day?
Yeah... day of red roses and chocolates and all that good stuff. I'm sure you've celebrated with people before.
I gulp uneasily, for some reason.
Oh. Yeah, Valentine's! What do you wanna do?
Are you serious? Maybe plan something romantic for us, you dork.
Alright alright lol, plan something. Got it.
"Texting your man?" I hear her voice quietly ripping through the air, catching me by surprise.
I hesitate for a couple of blinks, but then mumble, "Yeah.."
She stands there silently, her back still facing me. But then she finally turns around and smiles at me cordially, "And will he be okay being just your affair partner when we get married?"
I blink at her, incredulously. What is she playing at now?
"I don't understand?"
She tilts her head at me, "What is there to get? We're getting married. We're both gay. It's not like I'm interested in touching you, and I'm sure you don't want to touch me, either. We'll have to get our fix outside of this arrangement. Even my girlfriend understands this."
My phone buzzes again and I read the text: Soujiro? You there?
Yeah, sorry! I have to go. I'll call you later, baby?
Alright. Love you.
I look back up from my phone and now she's near the fireplace, watching the flames with an impassive expression on her face. It reminds me of those stories of when a character knows they have incinerated an entire village or a city full of people, and have absolutely no qualms of all the lives that are now destroyed from the fire. I get up from my couch again, walking on over to look at the fireplace as well. She seems unbothered by my now frustrated stance against her. I turn to her to speak, "Asahi. As long as you a guest in this house and my future wife to be, you are to speak to me with utmost respect. Do you understand?"
She smirks, laughing to herself, "I do understand, Soujiro. But you have to admit, not everyone can withstand this kind of pressure."
"Maybe for you or your girlfriend. That's not the same for me and Kenshin."
She looks at me more poignantly now, a little bristled over my more arrogant manner of speech, but she holds back before she says something she knows she will regret. She looks at the fires again carefully, trying to articulate what to say next.
"I am just worried about you. Because you and I are born differently than other people."
I stare at her, the lights and shadows dancing across her pale complexion.
"I know I was born.. differently," I grunt, my eyes turning to the side back to the flames now, "But.. Kenshin.. He won't.. give up on me that easily."
She shifts her weight on her heels, nodding, "Good. I hope he doesn't."
Yeah..
He won't.
...
Right?
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Dinner time with the guests is finally over.
The two ladies went on home, and my father leaves to go to his work office not too far from here for some late night capping with the other business leaders. Mrs Oguni bids her goodnight to me before retiring to her bedroom, and I am finally able to relax on my own after that ordeal. I took a nice hot shower, thinking about what my future fiancée has told me this evening.
I understand that this kind of life I'm leading is something that most people would never agree to. I know I must marry a woman so that the family business can then be passed down to my future children, and their children, and so on so forth, in order to continue this legacy. The Seta family name will soon become old money if I keep playing my cards right. And of course, it would make my dad feel relieved to know that I will be financially taken care of long after he passes away. I know it's the right thing to do. But at the end of the day, I can only be attracted to other men. I can only feel happy in bed with other men. I can only love other men. No woman would ever agree to be my wife if she knew I had to get my fix with other men outside of our marriage. Even if I also give her the permission to mess around with other lovers, too.
But because I'm about to be married to a girl who understands this deal all too well on account of her own homosexuality, she has zero qualms about doing what she has to do, so long as she also finds happiness with other women in secrecy.
But that leaves a third person out of this horrible situation.
Kenshin Himura.
A boy who is now horrendously in love with me, and would rather kill than to let someone else be my spouse. Even if I have to explain the reasons for why I have to do what I must do, he would never understand. He'd be heartbroken if he knew that I am giving serious considerations about this. I already gave Father so much grief over my past behaviors so far, and a tiny part of me feels guilty over it. He's only trying to give me the life that so many people could only dream of having; a life full of ease, luxury, and privilege. I have to be more thankful over my position in life, to be honest.
But then.. Kenshin..
I look at my secret phone. I'm back in my bedroom, rubbing a towel through my hair to dry. I know I have to break this news to him eventually. I know he's not going to be happy to hear about this. I know this is going to hurt him a lot, and this could really jeopardize our future together. But I can't keep something like this a secret. I can't keep everything a secret forever. Maybe if I tell Kenshin this now, he'll figure out a way to get me out of this situation completely. He's smart. I know he can do that, and more.
I sigh. I wish I could just, run away with him, hide our identities, and just live out our lives happily without having to worry about things like this ever again.
Here goes nothing.
I click on his name in the phone and press it against my ear.
"Hello?" I hear him after a few rings.
"Kenshin. How are you?"
"I'm fine. What's up?"
I sigh, "Kenshin.. I have to tell you something."
"Good god, what now?"
I chuckle, "Well, at least let me finish first what I'm about to tell you before you give me lip."
He sighs, "Fine. Tell me."
I take a deep breath, readying my nerves.
"So.. about tonight's dinner and why I was sort of busy.. My dad brought his girlfriend over, along with her second cousin. Once removed, I think? But basically.. this young girl is being offered to me as a future bride that I have to marry in the near future."
There is a deafening silence now. I shrink into myself. I just knew this was going to happen. I knew he wasn't going to take this news well.
"Kenshin?"
"What did you just say?" I hear him snarl.
"I said.. my dad wants me to marry this girl. And I met her. Tonight."
I hear some sounds on the other line. Like he's getting up and starting to pace around in his room. Maybe something got knocked over by accident. Or maybe on purpose.
"Fuck," He seethes, "Fuck, fuck, fuck! Are you kidding me right now?!"
"Kenshin," I warn him, "Calm down. We have to think about this."
"Think?!" His voice starts to rise up in volume now, "What is there to think about?! Your father is honestly just begging for me to come and fucking kick his ass right now and I'm getting sick of this shit!"
I sit on the edge of my bed now in a huff, "You think I'm happy that this is happening to us, Kenshin?"
"I don't know, knowing you fucking suck at standing up for yourself!"
My heart thumps painfully at that, and I start to seethe, "Watch yourself, Himura!"
I hear him growl angrily on the other line before I hear him knocking something over, angering me further in the process.
"Kenshin! Stop!"
"Soujiro," He breathes into the receiver now next to my ear, "I have to get you out of there. I can't take this anymore! He's ruining your life!"
I exhale shakily and look down on my lap helplessly, ".. How? How can we do that!?"
He takes a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down.
"I don't know.. I just.. Fuck," He sounds so broken now, "I'll think of something. Just give me until tomorrow or Friday, okay? Because this? Is not okay!"
I am quiet for a few moments, my eyes wavering and my vision blurring in intervals.
"Soujiro..?" His voice is quieter now. Just the way I like it. I sigh fervently.
"God, Kenshin. I just.. I just miss you so much. I wish I could just.. be in your arms.. in your room.. anywhere but here!"
He gulps, "Yeah. Me too. Soujiro, I.. Fuck. I'm sorry for getting pissed off like that. I still need to get you out of there."
I nod, "I know. Let's think of something soon, okay?"
"Alright.."
We're quiet for a few moments, letting this news sink in. I hate that I have to hurt him with the truth, but it would have been worse if I had kept it a secret. It's honestly a little endearing that he gets so riled up like this over me, even if he gets a little hurtful with his words sometimes. All he wants is to be with me, and it shows. I lean all the way back on my mattress, sighing.
"Soujiro," He starts again, "I didn't get the chance today to show you something, but I want to show it to you tomorrow."
"What is it?" I blink at my ceiling.
"I can't say. You'll have to wait until I can show it to you. But I think you'll like it a lot," I can hear him smiling on the other end, "It's about my past childhood."
Now I'm smiling on my end, "That's so sweet. I'd love to see it tomorrow."
"I want to come over again."
I shake my head sadly, "We can't. The other night was amazing but it was a huge risk to take. Let's not get too carried away, okay?"
He grumbles, "Fine. But we have to have a sleepover soon. I fucking miss sleeping next to you."
I writhe with a groan, "I knowww! Me too!"
He laughs, "Like I said, I'll think of something so that we can get together like that again. I promise."
I sigh dreamily, "I know you will. You're the smartest guy I know."
"You don't mean that."
"I do."
Silence.
"Soujiro.. Please. Please don't marry that woman."
My lower lip trembles and my eyes are hot with tears. Kenshin.
"I won't," I take in a sharp breath to reel the tears back in, "I promise. I won't."
"Don't marry anyone else except me, babe. Please. I can't live without you."
My hand rests over my eyes and I can feel my face redden as I try with everything I have to not start crying.
"I won't.." I damn near sob out those words.
I promise, Kenshin.
With everything I have.
I promise.
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Thursday came and rushed through in a flash.
I made sure to stay close to Soujiro, but also made it a point to pretend to be a friend to him rather than his boyfriend. Which is hard. It was always a challenge to keep our relationship a secret, but now? Ever since he told me that his dad is basically trying to marry him off to some other woman, my heart wants to fucking explode every time I see him. Knowing I can't just hug him whenever I feel like it. Knowing I can't openly express affection towards him without subjecting ourselves to the cruelty of other students. Though our friend groups have long since known and otherwise accepted our relationship, the rest of the school could only speculate what exactly Soujiro means to me.
I know we have to play it safe. I know we have to be careful. And I know we have to keep everything private still, in spite of everything.
But it still fucking kills me on the inside.
During study hall, we went to the school's library. There's only one car at my own house, and obviously my dad Hiko has it to go to work. If I had my own car, I would have taken Soujiro out some place nice. Soujiro can't drive us anywhere because his dad still has his car keys. Fucking bastard. So, the only times we could technically have any alone time, is within the confinements of these walls of this school. I could offer to go back to that forest again during gym class, but Soujiro's reluctant. He really cannot afford to get caught. I get it, of course. But it still kills me on the inside that we have to be like this at the same time.
So now, here we are, studying at the library during study hall. We chose to sit at a small round table all the way in one corner of the library, away from everybody else. We are hidden by the large book shelves, so as to have a little more privacy. Behind us are these two large windows overlooking the rest of the town surrounding the school, as well as all the trees. Like I have previously mentioned before, but we are still waiting for the temperature to continue to drop so that we could see some snow soon. Though there are no more leaves on the trees, global warming sure made it a point to keep things stagnate in terms of having a normal winter.
Soujiro's concentrating on his paper and going through the worksheet, one problem at a time. I'm sitting right next to him meanwhile, stuck reading a boring fucking book for one of our classes. It is such dry reading, that I can feel my eyes glazing over as I keep reading the same sentences over and over again, much to my annoyance. As tedious as it is to have to actually sit and actually study, this is the only tiny slice of time I have that I get to spend with Soujiro in private. We don't have to worry about our friends, because they have their own respective classes that they gotta get to, nor do we have to worry about other students if they catch us here. Everyone knows of my reputation as a failing student before Soujiro transferred here, and they all know that he is here to be my tutoring mentor for the rest of this year.
However.. I can't help myself but keep getting distracted by my so called study buddy next to me. I can't stop noticing these ticks of his, from the way he keeps chewing on his lower lip while frowning at the paper in front of him, to the way he keeps making these little huffing sounds when he has to erase his writing and start over again. I can't help but notice that small tremble along his eyelash line before he closes them completely, and the way he sighs afterwards. It's the way he smells so divine, in the midst of this library which carries the scent of old books and cheap cleaning materials. The way he keeps placing locks of his hair behind his ear without thinking..
I gulp. He looks so fucking good today. He looks good every day. But I think, just knowing that there is a potential of losing him to this other girl completely.. He looks like a fucking fallen angel to me now. A mythical being that I must capture for my own desire soon, and lock him away so that I won't lose him to anyone else anymore. But how could I ever do that to the one I love? How could I think of these selfish thoughts? I grunt, shutting my eyes. But what other choice do I have anymore?! Soujiro's dad is trying to sell him off for marriage and I'm expected to just sit here and take it?
I can't help it. I just can't help myself.
I lean towards my side where he sits, breathing these words into his ear: "I'm so hard."
He stiffens all over. I watch him from the side as his face starts to redden in embarrassment. His eyes flicker over to me and he mumbles in between teeth, "Kenshin. Not here."
I smirk at him teasingly, "What? Why not? Don't you want to at least feel it?"
He closes his eyes and grumble, "No. Go read your book."
I sigh, "Fine."
We go back to our respective activities. He's working on another homework assignment, and I finally manage to get to the next chapter of my required reading. The library is deliciously quiet as usually a lone student, or one of the library workers, would come walking around in our corner to shuffle some books around. Nobody looks at us or talks to us, and to them, we are nothing but just a couple of students doing our work.
After ten minutes or so of this, I am back on my bullshit again with Soujiro. As he writes some stuff down, I lean my head against the table lazily, one arm bent underneath my cheek as I look up at him. He is concentrating hard on his work, and I take a mechanical pencil to start reaching out towards his hair, using its sharp side to gently comb through his hair. He ignores me despite this annoying action from me, making me bite down a chuckle. I comb a little piece of his hair behind his ear, lightly grazing the top of his earlobe. He finally sighs in frustration, waving his hand against the pencil away from him.
"Himura." Is all he whispers sternly as a word of warning.
I bite my lower lip. God, he's arousing me for some reason.
"Yes," I murmur, "Get mad."
He finally snaps his head towards me, glowering. I smile smugly. This is so fucking funny, I can't.
"Do you mind?" He bristles at me.
I merely rub my face against my arm, groaning. Why is he still so adorable despite being so pissed off? And why can't he just pay attention to me instead of school shit? I'm starting to get jealous of all the papers in front of him, honestly.
We stay like that for another couple of minutes. I can hear him humming to himself as he reads through his notes. I turn my head slowly so that I can look at him again. It's a little hard to believe that this is the same guy who enjoys partying hard and having sex with guys behind his father's back. During the day, he's this hard working, pious student who could run for the student council and take over the entire school if he feels like it. He even mentioned this in passing not too long ago that their leader was begging him to join their group and to run for student president.
But he turned it down. He wants to make sure he can spend as much time with me as he possibly can. One one hand, it does feel nice, but on the other, it does make me feel guilty that I am standing in his way of great success. But well, since he said he wanted to take it easy during his final year of high school before university, I guess I can't blame myself too much. It was his decision, and he chose not to run.
I dig into my hoodie pocket and take out the small picture of my mom at the beach. I quietly slide the little photo on the table and onto his paper. He stops whatever he was doing, and looks down at it. He looks on quietly and blinks softly at what he's seeing. He carefully sets his pencil aside and reaches towards the photo so that he can hold it up, peering at it closely.
"Who is this?"
"My mom."
He looks down at me, confused. I smile at him casually, and his face melts into a heart warming smile. He turns towards the picture again, looking so in awe of it.
"That baby must be you, huh?"
"The one and only." I grunt as I sit straight back up.
"You were so cute!" He whispers, tracing a finger on the spot of the picture where I am.
"Were?" I tease him, poking his rib with my elbow.
He laughs, "Oh, I'm sorry! Still cute!"
At least I made this situation a lot lighter.
"But.. why are you showing me this?" He blinks at me, "I mean, not that I mind, of course! Seeing this is so sweet and I honestly want to keep it for myself."
"Do you want it? I don't mind."
"I wish, but," He sighs, deflating, ".. My dad might find it and he'll wonder what it is."
I frown, "Oh.. Yeah. That's true."
He turns to me, waiting now for my answer for his other question.
"I wanted to show you this picture because.. I figure it would be nice to show you my past," I look at another corner of the library, "So that it would make you feel safer showing me your past."
"You mean..?"
"Yeah. Your own mom. I want to know what she looks like."
I turn to him just in time to see him frown at me quizzically, or maybe just thinking on what to say next. He looks at my photo for a while, mulling over it. His eyes then flicker back towards me, and he finally says, "I'll show you a picture of her if you can promise me you'll be at my place this Friday evening. I'll have the picture ready for you then. Deal?"
"Dude!" I chuckle to myself quietly, ignoring a student walking past our table, "I already promised that I'll be there!"
"Then.." He looks down at his lap, ".. Promise me.. Promise me you'll stay over. I want to have a sleepover with you on that night."
"Huh?" I blink at him, "But.. What about your dad?"
He shrugs, sighing, "I don't know. I just.. miss sleeping next to you."
"Then," I rub my chin in contemplation, ".. I'll need to create a distraction."
"Huh?" Now it's his turn to be very confused, "What do you mean by that?"
I whip out my phone and start texting Arai Shakku, "I'll just have your dad's company have a little.. accident."
He blinks at me, and then his eyes widen in realization. He smiles and nods, rubbing the top of my head like a good dog, "There you are. My smart, mischievous boyfriend."
I smirk to myself. Anything for you, Soujiro.
(To be continued)