Snowfall in Early Summer

by welfycat

Book 7. As the war escalates and Rachel's mental connection to the Dark Lord continues to evolve, Rachel and Severus search for the path to prevent the Dark Lord from taking over magical Britain.

1. Anxiety

Author's Note: Thank you for joining me for year seven of Rachel and Severus' adventures! I hope you enjoy them. Please let me know what you think.

Content Notes: Character deaths (including child character deaths). War (graphic). Potentially disturbing imagery. Anxiety. Suicidal thoughts/plans for death. Depression. PTSD. Discussion of torture and rape. Past child abuse and neglect (discussed), past sexual abuse (discussed). If you have any concerns, please feel free to comment/message me and I will provide more in-depth content notes on any subject.

---

It was warm and oddly humid, even in the shade. Rachel had taken to walking the line of the wards everyday, sometimes more than once a day if she was particularly restless. She still wasn't allowed to fly, which she thought was grossly unfair. How much damage did they think she could do to herself in the back garden? So, instead, she spent her time outdoors walking the edges of the warded property and worrying.

Maybe worrying wasn't the right word. When she was walking she usually didn't have a specific worry in mind. She hadn't had any visions since the attack on the Ministry, but she expected people were still being attacked and dying. When she read the newspaper - which Severus didn't allow her to have before she ate or while she was eating - there was usually something seemingly innocuous everyday. Things like 'Bailey family reported missing in Gloucestershire' or 'MLE responds to call in Berkshire'. Rachel knew those things meant Death Eater attacks and those people were likely dead.

It didn't make sense to worry that more people were going to die, because they certainly were. It didn't make sense to worry that her friends would be attacked, because that was probable as well and they were prepared for that. It didn't make sense to worry that they would be attacked at home or at Headquarters, because they were both under the Fidelius charm. Whenever Rachel tried to reassure herself with that, she remembered that her parents' house had been under the Fidelius charm and they were both dead. In a way, she had died there too, it had just taken sixteen or seventeen years to catch up to her.

And so Rachel didn't worry, not exactly, because it didn't make sense to worry. Instead she shuffled around in a state of low grade anxiety, tried not to think too much, and had trouble falling and staying asleep. She repeatedly told herself that this was much better than last summer, but that was also not a very high bar considering at this point last summer she'd still been in the Hogwarts hospital wing unable to sit up.

She found herself thinking about that a lot too. Not just the abduction and the torture, though those both featured heavily in her thoughts, but the aftermath and how she had thought she was doing better, but she'd really been hiding from herself - and from everyone else. She wasn't entirely sure she was done doing that. After everything - and she did mean everything - that she'd been through in the past fifteen years of her life, she was starting to wonder if there was such a thing as getting over things.

Certain things featured less in her thoughts now than they used to, but they still sometimes popped up in her nightmares. Every now and then she'd get a surprise dream about Leander and the prefects bathroom, or about Umbridge torturing Millie, or the maze during the third task. For whatever reason, the other two tasks hadn't seemed to make much of an impression on her, nor did the graveyard ever appear in her dreams. Just the high walls of the hedge maze closing in on her and the sounds of people she knew calling for her help while she couldn't reach them.

Rachel missed the wall in her mind that had been preventing her from dreaming. She felt like her mind was making up for lost time and just throwing whatever mixture of dreams and past experiences that it could at her. Some nights were better than others and she reminded herself those things were in the past and those people couldn't get to her now. Other nights she simply turned on her lamp, changed out of her sweaty nightgown, and once she was calm enough she read until the sun started to rise.

She finished her lap around the property and investigated the mailbox at the front of the house. For whatever reason, it was just on the bounds of the Fidelius charm, so while they didn't receive any mail that was addressed to them, sometimes the muggle post sent them advertisements from nearby shops. The mail was empty today so she wandered back inside and found Severus in his armchair with a pile of parchment and his grade book.

"How many people are you failing?" she asked as she sat down on the sofa.

"Surprisingly few, but I'm working on the upper years right now," he said, his gaze resting on her. "You seem unhappy. You've seemed unhappy for a while now."

Rachel sighed and wiggled deeper into the sofa cushions. "I'm not unhappy. I'm anxious and I don't know how to stop being anxious. It goes away for a little bit if I can focus on my homework or on a book that I'm reading, but otherwise it's just always there."

"I would suggest distracting yourself, but it sounds like that's already what you're doing. Do you know if you're feeling anxious about something in particular?" He closed his grade book and set aside the parchments, apparently wishing to have an actual conversation.

"Nothing specific. Just the war and the Dark Lord in general," she said, not wanting to go into her specific worries because she already knew all of the answers to those.

Severus nodded. "I think it makes sense to have anxiety and fear regarding the war and the Dark Lord. However, I don't think it's helpful to you to be experiencing it all the time, especially in a place where you are safe. Have you talked with Torey about it?"

"Yes, and I will tell her again when I see her on Saturday. Some of the stuff she tells me for dealing with anxiety works better than other stuff." And some of it only seemed to work when she was really anxious and not just at the low end of accidental jaw clenching and digging her fingernails into her skin absently.

"Maybe talk with her about what is working and what isn't and she might have some more suggestions for things similar to what is working," he suggested. "Is what you're feeling from the Dark Lord influencing your feelings or your anxiety?"

Rachel closed her eyes to check on the Dark Lord. She didn't have to close her eyes to do it, but it made it easier. "No, he's quiet and still right now. None of this is coming from him. It doesn't work that way anyway. When he's angry, I'm not angry, but I can feel his anger. It's separate. Foreign." When she opened her eyes she found Severus looking at her with the look that meant he was worried and was trying not to show it. It was just the slight downturn of the left corner of his mouth, a barely furrowed brow, and focused eyes, but she had seen it often enough to know what it meant.

"When you say still and quiet, is that an absence of feeling from him?" he asked after a long moment.

"No, it just means he's not experiencing a strong emotion, or having directed thoughts, or moving around much. He's kind of still and neutral. I never feel anxiety from him." Mostly she didn't feel a lot from him, unless she specifically went looking for it. She felt his stronger emotions naturally, usually anger and rage, but everything else she had to check for.

"The Dark Lord doesn't have the kind of thoughts that lead to anxiety. He only cares about power. He doesn't fear its loss, he will simply gain more power if he loses some. The idea that he could fail does not cross his mind. When he does fail, he immediately assigns blame to someone else," Severus explained.

"I don't think I could imagine feeling like that." Worry and watchfulness was such a natural state of being for her that she thought she would be a completely different person without them.

"While overconfidence is never a good thing, you could stand to do with more self confidence. You have proven your abilities time and again, and yet I know you still have doubts about your grades," he said, still watching her.

Rachel didn't want to think about her grades right now. She almost didn't care what her grades were, since they had ceased to be of any meaningful importance compared to the war and her role in it, but she still intended to do well at school. It just wasn't the same sort of threat now. "Can I try brewing the Dreamless Sleep potion modifications again? I have some ideas that I'd like to try now that I'm more experienced in making modifications to recipes."

Severus raised an eyebrow at the subject change, but nodded. "Of course. I apologize for not making it more of a priority. I had set it aside while you weren't dreaming and while you needed other potions."

"I don't need to take it. I'm not brewing it to take it, I just want to see if I can make it work," she clarified.

"I believe you told me you were dreaming regularly again?"

"I am," she said, mentally urging him to get to the point.

"I had rather presumed that you were still having nightmares, as you seemed to have them fairly regularly before you stopped dreaming. Is this not the case?" he asked.

"I am still having nightmares, but not so bad that I need to take a potion for them. This is just a project I started and I would like to see it finished. If the modifications don't work, then they don't work," she said, aiming to get the topic of conversation off her nightmares.

"If we do wind up with viable potions they're going to the Guild to be tested. I won't have you taking something that hasn't been tested." He arched an eyebrow at her.

"That's fine. I wasn't planning on taking it. So we can brew?"

"We can. I'll make sure I have enough of what we need for several batches of Dreamless Sleep on hand, let me know if you need any unusual ingredients. I need to focus on grades this week, but we can start brewing next week or later if you're not ready yet. Would you like me to look over your recipes before we try to brew them?"

"Yes, please. I'd rather know if something is obviously nonviable before we try to brew it. I'm going to go write everything out," she said, getting up.

"Be down for dinner in an hour," he said, reaching for his grade book again.

"Do you want me to make it?"

"No, I can do it. I'm nearly done with this year. If you truly wish to cook you can do the casserole tomorrow," he said, his attention already back on his work.

"Deal," she said, making her way upstairs. She had a number of ideas for the modifications, now she just needed to balance the ingredients and then calculate the stirs. It would be a good distraction, at least for a little while.

---

Rachel sat at her desk, working on finishing her homework assignments. The Potions essay she'd finished before they'd even left Hogwarts, along with her Ancient Runes translation, and her Herbology essay. She'd done her Transfiguration essay over the last two days and was now writing two feet on the Patronus charm for Charms class. It was an easy essay to write because she'd been able to cast the Patronus charm for over three years now and had taught it to numerous other people. Everyone in their Defense class in her year had a corporeal Patronus and most of the DA did as well. She expected Professor Flitwick would be surprised when he taught the charm this year in class and more than half of them demonstrated they had already mastered it.

She finished a paragraph on how to select memories for preparing to cast the Patronus charm, writing about her own experience with putting together a memory medley, and then glanced at her two-way book to find a message waiting for her.

'Is anyone around?' had appeared in Ginny's handwriting.

'I'm here,' Rachel wrote quickly. Ginny hadn't been using the two-way books much the past two weeks, mostly just leaving a note every now and then to say that things remained the same so they wouldn't worry that something had happened to her.

'I just finished talking with my mom and about doing the training. It didn't go very well,' Ginny answered.

'She's not letting you join us?' Rachel asked, wondering if she could ask Severus to speak with Mrs. Weasley and emphasize how important it was that Ginny was able to defend herself if she was going to be friends with her.

'She is. Ron and I are going to join the training. But-' Ginny stopped writing for a long moment.

Rachel watched her book, trying to figure out what the problem was and what she could do to help Ginny.

'But we had a fight first, and my mom forbid us from doing the training. And I said that maybe Percy would be alive if he'd had this sort of training. My mom started crying and left the room. And I shouldn't have said that, but it's true. Percy didn't even have the DA to learn the skills that we're teaching to other students. And now we know that even the DA isn't enough to stand up to Death Eaters,' Ginny finally continued writing.

'That sounds like a hard discussion,' Rachel wrote, not sure of what else to say. She wondered if she should tell Ginny what she'd seen at the Ministry. The thing was, she couldn't think of any type of training that would have saved Percy. The Dark Lord was there. The Death Eaters just kept coming. It had all happened so fast. She didn't see how anyone could survive that, Death Eaters or not, and she knew that a number of aurors had died in the Ministry that day. If they couldn't survive that sort of attack, no one could. Maybe she'd offer to tell Ginny what she'd seen, and then Ginny could decide if she wanted to know.

'Not as bad as the one we just had. My mom came into my room and said that she's living her worst nightmare. That losing a child is the worst thing she's ever experienced and that it's only made worse by the fact that she hadn't seen him in nearly two years. She blames herself for not trying harder with Percy. She told me she couldn't bear to lose another child and that she's terrified all the time for my brothers and how grateful she is that Charlie is staying in Romania. I told her that I'm intending to join the Order after I finish at Hogwarts because it's the right thing to do. She cried and said she understood that, but that she just wants her babies to be safe. She told me about when my uncles Gideon and Fabian died, and how dad was still just an informant in the Order at that time, and how scared she was raising all of us while the war was going on.' Ginny paused again, a blot of ink appearing after her last words.

Rachel frowned. While she had questioned why her parents had decided to have a baby while the war was ongoing, she hadn't given much thought to what it must have been like to be in the Order while having an infant at home. She couldn't imagine being responsible for a tiny baby in the middle of all this mess while knowing that death could visit any day. And then her parents being told that they were in danger from the Dark Lord, that they were being targeted. She wondered if Professor Dumbledore had told them about the prophecy to convince them to go into hiding.

'I hope you don't mind, but I told my mom about the attack at Hogwarts. She knew it had happened, of course, but she didn't know the details. I had to remind her that Professor Dumbledore is making sure the school is safe before we go back. But I told her I wasn't trying to train to fight Death Eaters and seek them out, that I wanted to train so I knew what to do if I was attacked. She hugged me and cried again, but she said that she wanted me to be able to defend myself and that Ron and I could do the training if we really wanted to as long as we promised to stop if it was scaring us. Honestly, I don't see how training can be more scary than everything we've already lived through, but I didn't say that to her,' Ginny wrote.

'I don't mind you telling her about that, especially if it helped. I'm glad you're going to be able to do the training. I'm not allowed to start until Madam Pomfrey clears me as healthy, but I'm going to try to at least be allowed in the room to learn through observation,' Rachel wrote back, not sure what to say about Ginny's mom.

'I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to do that. If anyone would understand the importance of defense training, it should be Professor Snape,' Ginny wrote.

It should be, but Severus seemed convinced that doing training while she was underweight would do her harm. She hadn't had dizzy spells for a few weeks now. She didn't get as cold any more - she was even just wearing a t-shirt and skirt. She wouldn't leave the house with her scars showing and she intended to ask Severus if she could order some light weight long sleeved shirts and some more knee high stockings. She was eating three meals a day, though perhaps more lightly than might be expected at some of them. As far as she could tell, she was better.

'I'll ask him. I think he does know how important it is,' Rachel wrote after a moment.

'I'm just so angry all the time. I just want to point my wand at things and scream,' Ginny wrote a minute later. 'I'm angry at the Death Eaters and You-Know-Who, but more than that I'm angry at Percy. If he had just pulled his head out of his ass he would have been at home and would have never died. I've never felt this angry before. With the diary, while it was happening, I was scared all the time. And then later I was angry, but not like this. I see my parents acting sad and the twins are trying to go on like nothing happened, and it just makes me more angry. Weirdly, Ron is the only one I can stand right now.'

Rachel didn't know what to say to that. 'I'm sorry. Death is hard and confusing. I often don't feel the way I think I should after I see people die.'

There was another blot of ink from Ginny before she began writing again. 'What do you feel?'

'Vacant, a lot of the time. I can't seem to cry. Sometimes I go back to sleep after a vision, but sometimes I can't. When I saw Professor Podmore die, all I could think about was what it felt like to be tortured and how much of a relief it must have been to die and for it all to stop,' Rachel wrote, aware that the rest of the group would see her words. Her chest was hurting and she wanted this conversation to stop, but she wanted to be there to support Ginny when she needed someone to talk to.

'I can't seem to cry either. I want to. I feel like I should. I've even tried, but I just can't,' Ginny wrote, pausing between sentences.

'I think it takes time. Severus has told me that I'll feel differently about it at different times, and that's okay. However you are feeling is okay,' she wrote back.

'Thanks. I'm going to go for now. I'll see you on Sunday,' Ginny wrote.

'See you then,' Rachel wrote, grateful that Ginny seemed done for now.

She stood up, not feeling in the mood to continue her essay while her insides were twisting, and went downstairs. Severus was in his armchair and was continuing to work on grades. She sat on the sofa and waited for him to reach a stopping point. She didn't want to think about watching Percy die. Or Professor Podmore. Or all of the people whose names she never learned that she'd seen in the visions these past two years. The thought of how many people were dying right now weighed on her. How many more would die before the war was over? How many would it take before Britain gave in?

"Everything alright?" Severus asked, setting down his quill.

"For the training, can I at least attend, and do things that aren't exerting like learning new spells?" she asked.

"Yes, but I will speak with Tonks and Shacklebolt about their curriculum and be clear about what you are and are not allowed to do," he said.

"That's fine. I can learn by watching for now. When can I see Madam Pomfrey for her to say that I'm better?" Rachel pressed.

"You've got an appointment in three weeks, Poppy indicated that you still needed a period of rest and less stress and eating full meals before she checked you again."

Rachel pressed her lips together. She couldn't tell if she was less stressed now that it was summer. She still felt stressed, assuming that stress felt like anxiety. "Alright. I am eating."

"You are, and I appreciate that you're making the effort. Has it been getting easier?" he asked.

"Easier than it was in March. It's hard to tell day by day," she said, because it was definitely easier than it had been, but she still wouldn't call it easy.

"I'm sure it is, but gradual improvements are what we're looking for. Did you have a preference for a meal tonight?"

"No. Can we cook together?" she asked, wanting to spend time with him. She wanted to leave him with as many good memories of them being together as possible. And she wanted those moments for herself as well.

"Yes, of course. Think on what you'd like to eat, I should be free in thirty minutes or so," he said, meeting her eyes before returning to his work.

Rachel settled in on the sofa with her legs pulled up and tried to imagine what it would be like to want to eat something specific.

---

By Friday Rachel had finished all of her summer homework except for carving the runes she'd translated and creating a spell for Arithmancy. She had taken to sitting outside after lunch with her Walkman. Since Simon and Garfunkel and Pink Floyd reminded her too much of last summer right now, she was currently listening to the ABBA's Greatest Hits cassette. The music was very different, but it was also kind of catchy. Some of the songs were a little bit too prurient for her tastes and she was glad Severus had never expressed interest in listening to her Walkman as he doubtlessly would not have approved.

She was still trying to come up with an idea for her spell for Arithmancy. It seemed like all the useful spells already existed. She had given a few ideas to Severus yesterday and he had told her the incantations for all of them. Sometimes it seemed like Severus was an encyclopedia, both of spells and potions. When she had told him that, he said he simply had a good memory and that he had been interested in spell crafting when he was a student.

The other thing she was still working on was getting her modifications of the Dreamless Sleep potion ready to be brewed. She had brought her book and parchment with her while she sat in the backyard, not wanting to let her mind be at loose ends even while she listened to music. Two of the recipes were ready, though when Severus had a moment she wanted him to look them over and make sure she had proportioned everything correctly. She had three more that she was tinkering with as she tried to get everything to balance.

After a lot of consideration, and after all the brewing lessons and practice she'd done last year, she had decided to leave the sopophorous bean juice alone entirely so that whoever took the potion would get eight hours of sleep where they wouldn't remember their dreams. That meant she was adjusting the recipe around it to counteract the sleepiness that the sopophorous bean would induce. In three of the recipes she was adding stimulants. In one recipe she was counteracting some of the reaction of the sopophorous bean juice. And in the last recipe she was simply discarding the entire original recipe except for the sopophorous bean juice and mitigating the effects with the rest of the potion. She had no idea if it would work, or if any of them would work, but they were the best ideas she had.

Hopefully Severus would say at least one of them was worth brewing. If not, she wasn't sure what her next steps were. Try to research more ingredients, maybe.

Her walkman clicked off as it reached the end of the tape and she pulled off her headphones. It was amazing how quiet it was here. She could hear birds and the rustle of leaves. She could feel the heat of the sun and the slight breeze that was making the fields that stretched beyond their property sway.

It had never been like this when she was a child. Even at night she'd been able to hear the rumbling of her uncle snoring. During the day there had been cars and the sound of the neighborhood kids playing outside. The tick of the clock on the kitchen wall. The murmur of the television or the radio. And always being on guard for the sound of her aunt or her uncle's voice rising.

Being able to sit here in the quiet and the peace was a luxury, even though she didn't feel particularly peaceful. Her mind had been wandering a lot since school had finished for the term. She was thinking of things she'd really rather not think about every time she stopped focusing. She felt haunted by the war, but more than that, she felt haunted by her own memories.

Sometimes she wondered if fixing the wall in her mind had done more than just let her feel the memories from when she'd been abducted. Everything felt fresher and more present. Then again, she could also recognize that she'd spent most of the last year in a state of numb shock.

The visual reminders didn't bother her so much anymore. She was still uncomfortable with looking at her own body and tried to pay as little attention to it as she could, but the scars on her arms caught her attention when her arms were mostly bare and the tremor in her hands was an ever present reminder.

She looked at her hands. Even just holding them out she could see that they were shaking. Thanks to the Firebolt she could manage Quidditch. Thanks to the steady charm and the charm on her quills, she could handle most things, though she'd never see her own handwriting again. Rachel blinked down at her hands. That would be a useful spell, for her if not for anyone else.

The steady charm on the chisel when she was carving runes didn't do anything other than hold it up, since it relied on her hands to guide it. While her carving would be worse without it, it was still pretty bad even with the steady charm. If she could somehow teach the chisel to recognize the strokes she used for carving runes, the same way that the quills she used formed letters, she should be able to use a chisel again.

This was probably more complicated than Professor Vector had been anticipating for them to invent a spell, but at least it was something she could use.

Rachel got to her feet and collected everything she'd brought outside with her. Severus was at the kitchen table with a cup of tea when she entered the kitchen. "Can I use Gladys?"

"That's fine," Severus said, not looking up from the book he was reading.

Rachel sat down to write a letter to Flourish and Blotts asking what books they had on the steady charm and on the charms that helped auto-writing quills function. Hopefully they'd send her back a list and she could pick from those.

"Are those your recipes?" he asked, looking at the other parchments she'd set on the table.

"Yes, but only two of them are ready for you to look at," she said, pulling the two finished sheets out and pushing them over to him.

"Can I borrow your quill?"

"Sure." Rachel folded her letter and went to where Gladys was sitting on her perch. "How are you?" she asked, stroking the side of Gladys' head. "Fancy a trip to London?"

Gladys stuck out her foot and Rachel rolled up her letter and attached it. "Flourish and Blotts please. Take your time and have a nice flight." Gladys hooted and took off out the window.

Rachel came back to the table and watched as Severus marked up her recipes. "Why seven stirs? Shouldn't six be arithmatically balanced?"

"Six is balanced, but seven will enhance the effect of the reaction," Severus said. "You want to not just choose what is arithmatically balanced, but what will best serve your potion. We're adding another drop of armadillo bile to rebalance it."

Rachel nodded and watched as he made another small correction on the other recipe.

"I don't see anything suggesting we shouldn't get a viable potion from these, but I don't know that they will have the effect you want either. That's where testing comes in. We'll brew a batch of six vials and send them in with the recipes when you're ready. You have more modifications?" he asked.

"Three more, but one is more of an original potion and I'm not sure it's going to work," she said, feeling more uncertain now that Severus had marked up her recipes.

"Show it to me when you're ready and we'll see if it's viable. Make sure to remember to include these when you're writing letters for apprenticeships. Having original work to your name will increase their interest in you, though that should be high already after you won the Potions Championship. We'll have at least one of the judges write you recommendation letters to go along with mine. A recommendation letter from Slughorn won't go amiss either, if we can find him," Severus said, his expression going sour for a moment.

Rachel frowned, trying to remember the last time she'd seen Professor Slughorn. She'd meant to seek him out and thank him again before the end of the year, but between the attack at Hogwarts and the attack on the Ministry it had completely slipped her mind. "What happened to Professor Slughorn? I can't remember the last time I saw him in the Great Hall. He wasn't there at the Leaving Feast, was he?"

"He was not. Slughorn fled the castle after you were attacked. He has always been a self-interested fool." Severus scowled and then smoothed his expression. "Don't worry about it, your applications will be strong enough without a letter from him."

She knew the strength of her applications was rather a moot point for a number of reasons. She wasn't planning on being alive to do a Mastery and even if the war hadn't ended by that point, no Potions Master or Mistress was going to risk being killed by the Dark Lord to take her as an apprentice. "Do you think he's hiding somewhere?"

"If he was smart, he fled to the continent. He should be reasonably safe there. We haven't been hearing anything that suggests the Dark Lord is acting outside of Britain right now. There's no point in worrying about him. Slughorn can take care of himself," Severus said.

"I just don't want to see him killed in one of my visions. Karkaroff was killed pretty quickly after he fled Hogwarts," Rachel reminded him.

"Karkaroff had also crossed the Dark Lord personally. It would have damaged the Dark Lord's reputation to leave Karkaroff alive. Much as I'm sure that I am a thorn in his side. You as well. He has failed to kill you three times now and that is a severe embarrassment to him."

"Twice. He's tried to kill me twice," she corrected. "Once when I was a baby. Once in the graveyard."

Severus hesitated. "Last June."

Rachel shook her head as she collected her recipes, her book, her quill, and her Walkman. "He never raised a wand to me in June. I'm going to go outside. I'll be in by dinner."

She went upstairs, dumped everything but her Walkman on her bed, exchanged cassettes for Pink Floyd's The Wall, and went back downstairs and out the front door. She pressed play, put her headphones on, and turned up the volume. Hopefully by the time she'd walked around the property a few times her heart would have stopped pounding at the all too present memory of lying on the floor of the Malfoy's ballroom.

---

"How has your week been? You're back at home now, aren't you?" Torey asked once they were both seated.

"We've been back at home since Tuesday. We cleaned up Severus' classroom and cataloged the student storeroom over the weekend, and Severus has gone back to Hogwarts for a few meetings. I think he wanted to come home and be out of the classroom, usually we stay at Hogwarts until he's done with meetings," Rachel explained. "He's been working on grade reports in the sitting room."

"Well, it's been a stressful term for both of you. Severus might feel less stressed at home. Are you feeling less stressed there?" Torey asked.

Rachel pressed her lips together and bit down on the insides. "I don't know," she said after thinking about it for a long moment and deciding that was a difficult question to answer.

Torey was quiet for a moment as she watched Rachel. "Can we talk about that more?"

She sighed. "I suppose. I just…I should be less stressed. Classes are done. I have a full year until my NEWT exams. I'm not surrounded by people or noise."

"I can see why those things would feel stressful to you during the school year, but it sounds like you might feel that you're not less stressed now that you're taking a break. Is that right?" Torey asked.

"I don't know what's wrong with me."

Torey was quiet again. "Can you tell me why you feel something is wrong with you? Is it the feeling that you're still stressed or something different, or a combination of things?" she asked when it was clear Rachel wasn't going to continue.

"I think when we fixed that wall in my mind, it did something to me." It was the only explanation Rachel had for why her memories and dreams had been so vivid lately.

"Have you looked at that wall and that room to make sure everything is as it should be?" Torey asked.

"No. I don't really go into my mental architecture all that often." She was a little afraid of messing things up in there again. And she didn't particularly care to encounter her manifestation.

"So, I guess my question is what makes you believe that fixing the wall has done something to you?"

Rachel hesitated again, wary of discussing these topics because it always led somewhere she didn't want to go. But if Torey knew why this was happening, then maybe she'd also know how to stop it. "My memories are more vivid and present. Not just the ones about the abduction, but about everything. I keep thinking of things that I don't want to think about, and I can't seem to stop myself."

"By things do you mean other traumas that you've experienced?"

"Yes. And my dreams, I know the dreams are because of what we did with the wall because they started not too long after we fixed it."

"You're having nightmares?"

Rachel nodded.

"How frequently?"

"Most nights. Most of the time I can go back to sleep afterwards, but some of them are messed up. Some of them aren't stuff that really happened, or at least not in the way that it really happened, and a lot of it is people watching me and seeing things happen." She felt herself flush. She hated those dreams.

"It sounds to me like your mind is trying to process things that you had previously cut yourself off from. As for people watching you, you've told me that you've felt at school like people were watching you. It could also be because you've had so many of your traumas publicly exposed, so you feel like those people are there witnessing the trauma," Torey suggested.

"I just don't see the point."

"The point of what?"

Rachel paused because she couldn't say that she was planning to be dead in less than a year and therefore didn't need to deal with this stuff. "I don't see what good thinking about it does me. I don't need to be there sitting at home thinking about how different Severus is from my relatives."

"When you think about how different Severus is from your relatives, what happens? What do you feel?" Torey prompted.

"I don't know," Rachel said automatically.

"Think about it for a minute."

She sat and tried to control the jumbling mess of emotions that were inside of her. Sometimes she didn't like seeing Torey all that much, no matter how much she'd helped her. "I feel worried," she finally said.

"Worried about what?"

"Worried that something bad is going to happen that I'm not expecting. Worried that Severus is going to die. I keep feeling like if I can figure out all the bad things that could happen, I'll be prepared for them and then they won't be so bad." She knew it sounded stupid even as she said it, but she still felt that way. "Like, I know people are going to die and that I'm going to see it through the visions. So, I'm not as worried about it now that I've prepared myself for it. Does that make sense? I mean, I still care about people dying and I don't want them to die, but…" she trailed off, unsure how to finish that sentence.

"Did you do that when you were a young child?" Torey asked.

"What do you mean?" Rachel asked, since that wasn't the question she was expecting to get from that.

"When you were young and living with your relatives, did it help you feel more in control to mentally rehearse what might happen with your relatives? If you prepared yourself to be hurt or punished, did that help when it actually happened?"

Rachel blinked a few times, feeling her eyes prickle. She really didn't want to cry. "I tried to be perfect, but it didn't help. So I would give them small things to punish me for so it didn't become something big. The times where something was an accident were worse."

"Small things like what?"

"Like pulling up a flower instead of a weed in the garden, or leaving a conspicuous weed. Overcooking the sausages. Leaving the glasses smudged when I washed them. Just stupid stuff, because then she could slap me or put me in my cupboard or yell at me, and then it would be over. I could control that. Just like when my uncle would take me to the hotel, I knew not to fight or complain, I just had to let it happen because I would get hurt worse if I fussed. The times they really hurt me were when something happened accidentally or I had accidental magic, even though I didn't know what I was doing at the time." Rachel had never admitted that to anyone before. She hadn't thought they'd understand.

"You did what you had to do to ensure your safety and to keep yourself alive as best as you could. No one should be put into that position, but what you were doing is also not uncommon for survivors of abuse and people who are held as prisoners. You had to have some control, otherwise it was dangerous. But it doesn't quite work the same way now, does it? There's not a safe way to engage the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord to try to stave off a bigger attack. And the attacks that have happened to you were all unexpected and out of your control, which undoubtedly leads to you grasping for things that you can control, such as mentally preparing yourself for the visions. I don't think it's a bad thing for you to try to limit how much emotional suffering the visions cause you, especially because we haven't been able to find a way to stop them. But I also feel that it's important that you not deny whatever it is that you do feel about the visions, because that isn't going to help you feel more in control. That's going to wind up more like a pressure cooker where you start experiencing side effects of that denial. Does that make sense?" Torey asked, her expression serious even though her tone was gentle.

Rachel bit the inside of her lips again. Every time Torey told her she wasn't the only one experiencing what she was, it felt strange. She didn't want other people to have experienced the things she'd experienced, but it was also a strange relief that she wasn't alone and that other people might understand. "The visions used to be really upsetting. Watching people get tortured and murdered scared me, especially when it was someone I knew. Now it's still a tragedy, but it's not as personal. I want to stop it from happening, I want to end the war, but I understand that we can't rush it and it has to be done right. And I understand that people are going to continue to die and that I'll keep having visions of it happening."

"And that understanding helps you feel more in control?" Torey prompted.

She nodded. "I feel like I can anticipate it and prepare myself in advance. The part that scares me is the stuff I can't anticipate. I'm scared that even with our wards and the Fidelius charm that we're going to be attacked. And I know what to do if that happens; I use my portkey and get inside the Hogwarts wards and I summon Professor Dumbledore to help Severus. And I know Severus has wards and charms so no one can just sneak in, he'll be woken up if someone other than the two of us are in the house. And the only people who know where our house is are Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, and Madam Pomfrey."

"It sounds like you are preparing yourself in case of an attack, but it's not helping you feel less scared that it's going to happen."

"I'm scared Severus will be killed. The Dark Lord wants him dead, probably just about as badly as he wants me dead. I don't think I can do this without him," Rachel admitted.

"And that is beyond your control. I think it's two fold. You can acknowledge that while your home is as safe as it possibly can be, there's still a possibility of an attack. You can acknowledge that while Severus is incredibly skilled, there's a possibility he might die. There's nothing wrong with preparing yourself for an attack. I think given the number of attacks on you, that it's reasonable to be prepared. Maybe talk with Severus about what he'll do if there is an attack on your home, so you know what to expect from him. But also know that what the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters do is beyond your control. The only thing in the world that you can control is your own actions. You can try to guide things to make them safer, but there are things beyond your control." Her tone was still gentle despite her words.

"I couldn't stop my aunt and uncle from hurting me."

"No, you couldn't. Those were choices that they made. You were a child doing the best you could to survive. There was nothing you could have done to change the situation," Torey said steadily.

Rachel shivered. "I'm more scared for Severus and my friends dying than I am scared for myself."

"Also things which are outside of your control," Torey said patiently.

She sat on Torey's sofa and fought the feelings of fear and shame and frustration that were flooding through her. "I don't think I'm going to feel better about this until the war is over."

"That's understandable. Your fears about the war are reasonable to have. But it's also not helping you or anyone else for your mind to be focusing on those fears all the time. Do you want to talk about some things you can do to help when you are having trouble obsessing over fearful thoughts?"

"Yes, please." Rachel said. She was willing to try just about anything to not feel like this all the time

---

The kitchen was crowded when Rachel and Severus arrived at Grimmauld Place early on Sunday afternoon. Aurors Tonks and Shacklebolt were already there, having a cup of tea with Sirius, Remus, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Draco, Theo, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione were all there as well, sharing a plate of biscuits with their tea.

"Wotcher, Rachel?" Tonks asked, waving cheerily at them.

"Hi," Rachel said, both excited and nervous.

"How long do you anticipate this training will last?" Severus asked, nodding to those gathered at the table.

"We're aiming for one hour sessions, once a week," Shacklebolt said.

"We're going to try to start at low intensity and then move up from there," Tonks added.

"I understand. You are aware of the strictures on Rachel's activities," he said, his gaze intense.

"We are. She won't exert herself," Shacklebolt promised.

Rachel blushed, hating that everyone knew she'd been struggling.

"Come here," Sirius said, standing and then giving Rachel a hug. "Good to see you. How are things?"

"Fine. My homework is nearly done," she said, hugging Sirius briefly and then pulling away.

"Of course it is," Sirius said, though he was smiling.

"Some of us don't like to leave things to the last minute," Remus said, winking at Rachel. "Come have tea, Severus."

Severus moved to the table and sat down next to Mr. Weasley.

"Mine is nearly done too, but I'm still working on my Arithmancy spell," Hermione said. "I got the NEWT revision guides already and I should have a working review chart by the end of the month."

"No rush," Theo said.

"Well that way others can make changes and see if I've missed anything," Hermione said. "It's better to do that now than to try and make changes at Hogwarts part way through the year. It took me two whole days to make changes when the group asked me to make changes for our OWL revisions."

"You know you can ask us for help with that, right? You don't have to do it alone," Theo pointed out.

"I know, it's just my responsibility." Hermione frowned down at her teacup.

"It's all of our responsibility, we're a team," Theo said.

"We're happy to help you put together the revision tables," Rachel added.

Draco was rolling his eyes and Ron looked a little bit horrified.

"It's good that all of you are taking your education so seriously," Mrs. Weasley said. She looked a bit drawn, like someone who had lost weight suddenly due to shock or grief.

"We try," Hermione said.

The fire in the fireplace flared, a bell next to the fireplace chimed, and Remus and Sirius both grabbed their wands and moved to stand in front of it.

Millie stepped out, looking a little flustered. "I give the passphrase?"

"Yes, please," Remus said.

"The raven flies at midnight, shrouded in darkness," Millie said. "What does that mean?"

"It means Dumbledore has a strange affection for birds, but at least he's stopped using phoenix related passphrases for the time being," Sirius said, moving back to the table. "Good to see you."

Shacklebolt looked over the gathered group. "Are we missing anyone?"

"Luna said she was coming, didn't she?" Ginny asked.

"Her father said she could when I spoke to him," Tonks said.

"She said she was coming in our books when we spoke yesterday," Millie said. "We still have five minutes and Luna is not really known for being punctual. We can send her a Patronus message if she's not here by one."

Rachel was glad to be around her friends, but the sudden noise and chaos of all these people felt a bit abrupt. She reminded herself that it really wasn't too crowded and she knew everyone here and she could take a step away from the table if she needed room to breathe. "Have things been alright here?" she asked whoever wanted to answer.

"We're staying busy, that's for certain," Remus said. "The attic is nearly finished, we're furnishing the last few rooms. We have an open space where people can train and we reinforced those walls to withstand stray spell fire. The shelves are in the library, if you're interested in helping me with the books."

"I can't go shopping for books, but I can help you organize and shelve them when you have them." She had lost any desire she'd once had to be out of the wards. Even going to Torey's was a little nerve wrecking.

Remus looked at her and then nodded. "Maybe you can give me a list of authors and books that should be included. We're sheltering muggleborns and some of their muggle families here, so I'd like for there to be a good selection of muggle literature."

"I can do that," Rachel said.

"If you want more help, I could offer suggestions for muggle literature as well," Hermione offered.

"That would be wonderful, Hermione. Thank you," Remus said.

The flames grew in the fireplace, the bell chimed, and Sirius and Remus both got up again.

Luna stepped out, her wide eyes quickly taking in the room. "The raven flies at midnight, shrouded in darkness."

"Thank you," Remus said.

"If that's everyone, we should get started," Shacklebolt said as he stood.

"Neville Longbottom will be joining us, but not until August," Theo said as he and everyone else stood.

"That's fine, you'll still be in the beginning stages at that point, he'll have plenty of time to catch up. Tonks, you know where this room is?" Shacklebolt asked.

"I do, follow me," Tonks said, tripping over her own feet but managing to catch herself before she fell.

They followed Tonks and Shacklebolt up through the staircases of the main house and then into the attic. It looked very different than the last time Rachel had seen it. All of the big open spaces were gone and now it was long hallways with doors. Tonks led them down what seemed to be the main hallway, turned right, and then two more rooms down was a door with a label on it that read 'Practice Room'.

The room was more spacious than Rachel had been expecting. It was easily the size of the Room of Requirement when they had the full DA in there. There were large windows that looked out over what Rachel was certain was not the part of London that they should be looking out over. "The windows? Aren't they on an inside wall?"

"Charmed windows, to let in some light. The Ministry is full of them," Tonks said.

Hermione had gone over to one of the windows and was looking out. "I can see the Thames. Just when I think I'm not going to be surprised by magic any more, something always pops up."

"Alright, spread out a little bit. We're not doing anything too rough today. I'm told all of you got at least an Exceeds Expectations on the Defense OWL, is that right?" Shacklebolt asked.

Ginny raised her hand. "I haven't received my scores yet, but I feel like I did well."

"Same for me," Luna said.

"Good enough for me. Show me your Shield charms," Shacklebolt directed.

Each of them pulled out their wands and silently cast the Shield charm."

"Test them," Shacklebolt told Tonks.

Tonks moved among them, casting a quick spell at their shields. All of them held.

"Good. In most situations, the Shield charm is your friend. If you can hold a strong enough shield, it will block a lot of things. Death Eaters aren't going to let you keep your shield up. They're going to hammer on it until it falls. Don't pretend you can hold a shield against oncoming spell fire from multiple people, that is going to get you killed." Shacklebolt paused and looked them over. "The next thing you want is cover. Knowing your surroundings gives you an advantage, but you're usually not going to be fighting on familiar territory. In Hogwarts, you should have a good mental map. Know the back routes. Know where you can retreat to. Out here, you've got to have practice at sizing up a location in a glance and seeing places where you can hide. We'll work on that. Stunning spells, at the wall without the windows.

They turned as a group and silently cast the Stunning spell, streaks of red racing from their wands.

"This is where it gets tricky," Shacklebolt said, regaining their attention. "In a fight with other students, stunning or disarming should be your goal. Disarm if you feel that will end their threat to you, but stun if you think they're going to continue to fight physically. With Death Eaters, all bets are off. Do anything you need to in order to keep them down, including killing and dismembering. Your instinct is going to be not to aim to kill. That's alright. In most situations, that's a good instinct. If you're just facing one Death Eater, you can stun them because there's no one to revive them. But Death Eaters aren't going to come at you one on one. They want the odds on their side so they're going to overwhelm you with their numbers. You cannot afford for the Death Eaters you take down to keep getting back up. You must kill, disable, or force them to flee."

Rachel swallowed, immediately understanding why Professor Dumbledore had been reluctant to give them this training and why he did not want it disseminated in the school. Could she kill? She wasn't sure that she could.

"None of this is pretty or nice or good. We are at war. There's a good reason Dumbledore doesn't recruit students, just as we give aurors three years of training. However, under the circumstances, you are all in significant danger and need to be prepared to defend yourselves. The Death Eaters have made it clear that they are willing to attack you directly and that they will keep attacking until they achieve what they want. Ideally, you will be safe within Hogwarts' wards. Given the fact that Hogwarts was breached not a month ago, we can't rely on that. This training is voluntary and will be difficult and taxing. Do not undertake it lightly. You can stop at any time, even in the middle of a lesson. The idea is not to train you as aurors but to give you the skills to come out of a fight with Death Eaters alive. Are we all on the same page?"

"Yes, sir," Rachel said, echoed by her friends.

"Good. Drop the sir. In here I'm Kingsley," he said.

"I'm still Tonks," Tonks said, making a face.

"Now we're going to learn a spell that we're going to be using for the rest of our time training. It will knock you down, or make you stumble, depending on how powerfully it is cast, and is moderately painful. You're never going to use this spell on an enemy, it's training both so you learn to cast something harmful at another human and so you get used to being hit with something and getting back up again. The incantation is morsises and it's a spell that was initially intended as a punishment for wayward children, but now is used in training scenarios such as these. The wand movement is a simple jab at your target and you'll see a yellow light, growing more golden with the strength of the spell. It can be blocked with a Shield charm. Go ahead and cast it a few times at the wall, see if you can get it silently. At this point in your education everything should be silent, casting verbally is a huge disadvantage," Kingsley directed.

"Are we going to be casting these spells at you?" Draco asked, his eyebrows raised.

"At Tonks and I at first. You needn't worry about hurting us, both of us were trained using this spell during the Auror Training Program. Right now, we can take all of you, even if you coordinate. As you get better, we'll start dividing you to fight each other," Shacklebolt said.

"Graduating the program is a relief to all of us who make it through it, for a number of reasons, this being one of them," Tonks said. "Go ahead and cast it a few times."

Rachel turned and cast the spell, finding that if she jabbed her wand at the second syllable, even though she was only saying it in her mind, it worked. Once she'd practiced it enough and got the hang of how it felt to cast, she no longer needed to mentally focus on the incantation. She cast a few more times, aiming for the spell to be less powerful and a lighter yellow, not wanting to hurt anyone more than necessary.

"Alright. Now that you've all got it, we're going to cast the spell on you one by one and you're going to cast it back at us, that way you all know what to expect. Try to cast back as rapidly as you can. Tonks, take the left side of the room," Kingsley instructed.

Rachel took a step back and watched as the training spell was used on her friends. Just as Kingsley had described, they flinched and stumbled a step or two back before casting back. Kingsley and Tonks both endured the spells without any indication they were feeling pain, simply taking a step back as the spell pushed them.

She raised her wand as Kingsley stepped in front of her, reminding herself not to put up a shield. The spell struck quickly and she stumbled slightly. It felt like a light slap against her body with a bit of a static fizzle. Not bad at all. She quickly cast back, Kingsley nodded to her and moved onto Ron.

"There, not pleasant, but manageable. We're starting with casting the spells at a lower strength, but will bring up the intensity as you become more able to defend yourselves. I suggest you do the same. Now, since we're taking it easy today, we're going to work on reflexive shielding. Do not simply hold your shield, raise it when you see one of us pointing our wands at you and casting a spell. We will be trying to catch you off guard. In a circle, around us," Kingsley said.

They managed to get themselves into a rough circle, spread out so they were nearly a dozen feet apart from each other. Kingsley and Tonks stood back to back in the center. "If you get overwhelmed, just step out of the circle," Tonks called.

"Just shields," Kingsley said. "And begin."

Rachel steadied herself, wand ready with her attention focused on Kingsley and Tonks. They were fast. They moved instinctively to cover each other and they didn't always cast in the direction they were facing or looking. She got hit twice within the first five minutes, but quickly learned to watch their wands rather than their bodies.

She could feel her heart racing, which definitely was what Severus had wanted her to avoid, but she wasn't running around or anything. Since she didn't feel faint, or even dizzy, she stayed put and continued to shield herself when she saw a wand flicker in her direction. She sometimes shielded when she didn't need to, but from then on she always had her shield up in time to stop the spell.

"Alright, we're done," Kingsley called, holding up his wand. "What did we learn?"

"Watch the wand, not the person," Rachel said.

"What was that?" Kingsley asked.

"Watch someone's wand, not the person's body or where they're looking," she said louder.

"Good. A person can misdirect you, make you think they're aiming at the person next to you or someone else entirely. Someone's eyes are another good thing to watch, in theory, but if you're close enough to see their gaze flicker to someone, then you're too close for wanded combat and need to work on making some space between you and your enemy. Also, you can't see the Death Eaters' eyes very well when they're wearing their masks. What else?" he asked.

"Have the first syllable of the Shield charm in your mind so you're ready to cast it," Ron said.

"Either that or be ready to call the spell well enough so that you're not relying on saying the spell in your mind," Kingsley agreed. "We're going to work more on teamwork and on watching everything that's going on around you, but the first part is reflexes and conditioning yourself to move. We're done for the day."

"Thank you for training us," Hermione said, everyone quickly echoing her thanks.

Kingsley nodded. "My pleasure. We'll see you next Sunday." He left the room with Tonks.

"Well that's a bit more intense than the DA," Ginny said.

"A bit," Millie said, wiping her forehead. "We might be able to use that game in the DA though, with disarming instead of this training spell."

"Maybe for the upper years," Theo said.

"The training spell is not my favorite thing, but I can see why it's an effective incentive to get your Shield charm up in time," Hermione said, shaking her head.

"I can't believe they used to use it on children," Ron said. "I need to spend some time getting the Shield charm to come faster. After the DA I thought I would have done better at that."

"Better than caning them, which is what they used to do when our grandparents were children," Draco said with a shrug.

"Thankfully that sort of thing is mostly against the law now," Hermione said.

"Is it?" Luna asked.

"Well, in Britain for muggles it is," Hermione said. "I don't know how the magical world approaches that."

"Beating your children or casting curses and hexes on them is generally frowned upon," Draco said. "Not that it stops some people."

Rachel looked away. She wanted this conversation to stop.

"What are all of you doing this afternoon?" Theo asked.

"Nothing, I told my parents I might not be back until dinner, which they didn't like, but they also seem to get the idea that I'm of age and can leave the house without their permission," Millie said. "Can we hang out here, will they let us?"

"I also told my parents I might not be back until six, so I'm free," Hermione said.

"I'd have to ask my parents," Ginny said, shrugging. "I don't know why Ron and I can't just floo here on our own."

"My father won't look for me until dinner, so I can stay if we're allowed," Luna said.

"I'll have to ask Severus," Rachel said, both wanting to spend time with her friends and to retreat back to home.

"Let's go ask then," Hermione said.

They left the room and Draco led the way back through the hallways and down the stairs.

"I'll be with you in just a minute," Rachel said when they reached the first floor, making like she was heading to the bathroom. She waited until they'd gone down the stairs and went to the end of the hallway and knocked on Kreacher's door. She crouched down so she wouldn't be looming over him.

The door opened and Kreacher peered at her. "Kreacher knew Miss was here but Miss was busy."

"It's alright, I just wanted to see how you are. Are you okay?" Rachel asked.

"Kreacher is as Kreacher always is. Is Miss alright?" Kreacher asked.

Rachel blinked, she didn't think Kreacher had asked her that before. "I'm mostly alright. I'm managing. They're treating you okay?"

"They let Kreacher cook. Kreacher brings food to the muggle filth in the attic," Kreacher said, waving his ears back and forth as he bobbed his head.

Sooner or later they were going to have to work on Kreacher's attitude toward muggles and muggleborns, but today was not that day. "I'm glad they're letting you do things you want to do," she settled for.

"Does Miss and Dumbleydores still have the precious locket?" Kreacher asked, pitching his voice softly.

"He does, he's keeping it safe. We have to do one more thing before we destroy it, but we're having a hard time finding the thing. Hopefully soon," Rachel said, keeping her voice quiet as well.

"Kreacher can still be there when it's destroyed?"

"Yes, of course. Professor Dumbledore promised," she said.

Kreacher nodded, seeming satisfied.

"If you need anything, just let me know. I should be around more this summer," Rachel said.

"Kreacher needs nothing, but he will check on Miss," Kreacher said.

"Okay. I'll see you in a week or so then," Rachel said, standing up.

"Bye, Miss," Kreacher said, pulling his door closed.

Rachel sighed and walked away. She still didn't know quite what to do about Kreacher. He seemed better than he was two years ago, but there still seemed to be things that could be better. Wasn't that the way of things though?

---

Despite being tired by the time it was ten or eleven o'clock at night, Rachel was often reluctant to go to bed. She knew staying awake wasn't going to fix her nightmare problem, but knowing that didn't stop the feeling of dread that came over her every time she got into bed. Her pattern this summer was to be in bed from ten at night to seven o'clock the next morning, but she slept for maybe half that time. After turning out the lights she meditated, going over the animagus meditations in order, including the meditation on magic, which she could do without a wand. She intended to ask Severus how wandless magic worked, since she thought that since she could feel her magic without her wand, theoretically she should be able to cast some low powered spells without it too.

Usually she woke up once or twice a night. Some nights after waking up, after the particularly bad dreams, she simply stayed awake. On the really bad nights she got out of bed, changed into her day clothes, and sat at her desk reviewing last year's notes or writing in her journal.

On this night it took Rachel going through the animagus meditations twice before she felt herself starting to drift off. She let her muscles relax and encouraged her mind to not think or feel.

She wasn't sure how long it was before she opened her eyes again, but she immediately recognized that several things were wrong, the first being that she wasn't in her bedroom. The second was that she was fully dressed in her Hogwarts uniform. The third, and perhaps most important, was that there was a figure moving toward her out of the dark.

Rachel found her wand in her pocket and drew it, aiming at the figure as it approached. She took a quick glance around. The space she was in was mostly dark and a little misty. It was quiet. There was a circle of light to the far left side that also seemed to have something in it. She also couldn't feel her heart pounding, though she knew that she should.

The figure drew closer, revealing itself as it pushed through the mist. The Dark Lord.

"Sectura!" Rachel shouted, pointing her wand. Her spell flew through him without any effect. He drew his wand and Rachel cast the Disarming charm silently. It also had no effect.

"Shall I try?" the Dark Lord asked. "Crucio!"

Rachel flinched, but there was no pain or anything else. This had to be a dream, but that also didn't make a lot of sense. She'd had plenty of dreams about being under the Cruciatus Curse and they had hurt. She lowered her wand and then put it in her pocket.

"Very well. Let's try this," the Dark Lord said, moving closer. Rachel took a step back, but not quickly enough to stop him from reaching for her. His hand shimmered and then dissolved as it went through Rachel's arm. "Now you try."

Deciding that it was better to know, though she really didn't want to touch the Dark Lord, Rachel reached for his arm. Once again, his arm became insubstantial. Wherever they were, she was more present than he was.

"It appears this will have to be a battle of our minds then," the Dark Lord said, staring at her.

Rachel quickly averted her gaze, not wanting to test her occlumency shields against the Dark Lord's legilimency. She knew too many things that were important for him not to find out.

The Dark Lord laughed, the sound oddly high pitched. "I am already in your mind, foolish girl. However I have not been able to get past your manifestation. Yet. What changed?"

She turned away from the Dark Lord and began to walk toward the light, wanting to see for herself if what he said was true. Sure enough, the hole was leading into the rest of her mental architecture and her manifestation was sitting, blocking the way out of the hole. Rachel wondered if she could climb out, but she was nervous about the Dark Lord following her.

"Answer me, what changed?" the Dark Lord said. He had followed her across the space.

"I don't know," she said, though she was starting to have a theory. "You've been here before, haven't you? At night."

"Of course I have, but this is the first time you have appeared. Why?"

The whisper dreams, where she had woken up convinced someone was talking to her. She hadn't had one since she'd started dreaming again. Since she had fixed the wall. "I don't know," she said again.

"I can tell when you're lying to me. If you knew I was here, why didn't you come before now?"

"Why are you here?" she asked, wondering if he could really tell if she was lying.

"Because I, unlike that fool Dumbledore, am willing to press every advantage that I have. Now, answer me. Why are you here now and not before?" he asked, holding his head high.

Rachel got a good look at him. He was inhuman and almost disturbing to look at. His irises were red, his nostrils were flat slits like a snake, his skin paler than any natural human. He had no hair that she could see. He was about as tall as Severus and he was wearing dark green robes that were almost black.

"Why should I answer you?" she asked.

"Very simple. The answer is that is the way the game is played. I may not be able to hurt you in here, but I can out there. I've heard reports of how weak you are, of how you made yourself sick over the war. Let's make it simple. You answer my questions, or I torture and kill a person for every question you don't answer to my satisfaction. I will leave a message at each scene, so everyone understands why that person is dead. So their families know who to blame. Is that clear enough?"

She decided that Pansy was definitely not the only student who was reporting to the Dark Lord about her and wondered if they had placed Pansy in danger if her reports didn't match whoever else was sending them. "I didn't know what was happening. I woke up after hearing whispering noises, but I didn't know what they were until just now," she admitted, skipping the larger picture of why she hadn't been dreaming.

The Dark Lord looked thoughtful. "What else has changed?"

"I'm not at Hogwarts right now," she suggested, wondering if she could make him believe that the wards were the reason she hadn't known he was there. She also really did not like the idea that he'd been in her mind and she hadn't realized.

He nodded once. "Where are you?"

"I can't tell you. It's under the Fidelius," she said quickly.

"Who is the secret keeper?"

"Severus," she lied, deciding to test his claim that he could tell if she was lying.

"Pity."

Rachel relaxed a little. She could lie to him, as long as those lies were believable.

The Dark Lord looked at her manifestation and Rachel looked too, trying to see whatever it was he was seeing. As far as she could tell, her manifestation looked just the same as ever, though she was looking back at them with a frightened expression. That was okay. Rachel was frightened too. She wondered if she could get her manifestation to scream and kick them all out of her mind.

Rachel reached for her manifestation but found that she was pressing her hand against some sort of invisible surface. It didn't feel like anything, she simply couldn't move her hand further.

"A problem, isn't it?" the Dark Lord said, his attention on her.

"How long are we stuck in here?" Rachel asked, lowering her hand and turning back to face him.

"Until we wake." He raised his brow, though he had no eyebrows.

That could be a long time trapped with the Dark Lord answering questions. She had to find a way to wake herself. She raised her hand and then pounded with her fist on the invisible wall, trying to get her manifestation to do something.

The Dark Lord laughed. "That eager to leave? In that case, we will work on the problem together. You will answer my questions and then I will wake."

Rachel folded her arms. "How many questions?"

"As many as I like. Let's start with one for tonight. Where is Draco Malfoy?"

Rachel swallowed. "In another house that is under the Fidelius charm. The secret keeper is Professor Dumbledore," she said, knowing the Dark Lord couldn't get to Severus or Professor Dumbledore.

"You will give him a message from his father. Draco is welcome to return to his family and he will be received with open arms. Give that message to him, in those words." The Dark Lord's gaze was boring into her.

"I will," she said, though she had no intention of doing so.

"I will know if you don't. Goodnight." The Dark Lord disappeared.

Rachel blinked a few times and then suddenly found herself shivering in her bed. She was freezing but her scar didn't hurt. She was absolutely certain that had not been a normal dream. She got up, went to her wardrobe and pulled a jumper over nightgown and put on a pair of wool socks. Then she got her wand and cast a warming charm on her clothes. She wished she had mittens.

With her wand lit, she crept into the hallway and down to Severus' door. She hated waking him, but this seemed like the sort of thing he needed to know. She reminded herself that she had woken Severus plenty of times and he hadn't been upset and knocked on his bedroom door. At least the dream - vision? - was over.

---

A knock on his bedroom door woke Severus with a start. He grabbed his wand and rolled out of bed. It was unusual for Rachel to wake him purposefully. He would be very surprised if she woke him because of a bad dream; it was far more likely that something had happened that needed urgent attention.

He opened the door and quickly assessed Rachel. She was in a jumper over her nightgown, which immediately suggested to him something to do with her connection with the Dark Lord as she was usually chilled after her visions. She didn't seem to be in pain, nor was she panicked, but she looked worried.

"I'm sorry to wake you, but I just had a conversation with the Dark Lord in my head," she blurted out.

Severus restrained himself from sighing. This just kept getting better and better. "Do you need me immediately or do I have a moment to change?" He preferred to not summon Albus while he was in his pajamas.

"You can change. It's not urgent, I just…I thought you should know," she said, now looking uncertain.

"I'm glad you woke me, it was the right thing to do. I want you to wake me if something about the situation with the Dark Lord or the Death Eaters changes. Give me a moment to dress," he said, recognizing that she needed the reassurance.

She nodded. "Do you want me to write down what he said? I don't think I can remember everything."

"Yes, that's a good idea. Write down what you can remember. Use the Dark Lord's exact words if you can recall them," he said.

"Okay, I'll meet you downstairs," she said, moving away.

Severus closed his door, allowed himself to sigh, and wondered how much worse this situation with her connection to the Dark Lord was going to get. They'd gone from a vision once every six months, to visions every two months, to Rachel being able to tell what the Dark Lord was feeling, and now they were conversing in her mind. The trajectory was clear and the next step in the line was them being able to sense each other's thoughts directly, and then possession. He felt powerless to stop it and he was not at all certain what they could do when they reached that point other than to give Rachel the Draught of Living Death and keep her under guard.

They were also going to have to obliviate Rachel of any knowledge of the horcruxes at the first sign they could sense each other's thoughts, along with memories of Order members she'd seen, and probably a host of other things. That left him in the position of obliviating his own daughter or standing by while Albus did it. He would press Albus to accelerate the course of the war before it came to that.

Reminding himself that whatever happened, they would deal with it, Severus began to move and changed into a clean outfit. He ran a comb through his hair. Showering would have to wait. Once he was presentable, he went downstairs and found Rachel kneeling at the low table in the sitting room as she wrote. She'd already filled one sheet of parchment.

He sat in his armchair and waited for her to finish. She seemed to be handling this well enough, on the surface, at least. Over the past two weeks she'd had a persistent air of worry and anxiety hanging over her. He couldn't blame her for that, his own thoughts were often on the war, but he did wish he could help her feel safer. Their home was probably the safest place in all of Britain for her, safer than even Hogwarts, since only five people knew about their home and only Minerva could reveal the location. Rachel did not seem comforted by that knowledge.

"That's everything I can remember, but I'm sure I'm missing things," Rachel said, standing up and bringing him the sheets of parchment.

"It's alright, whatever you recall is enough," he said, wondering if he should give her tips about recalling conversations that he had learned as a spy. He did not want to turn Rachel into a spy, especially not in her own mind. He quickly began to read the conversation, alarmed, but not surprised, that the Dark Lord could inhabit the space of their connection, no matter how insubstantial he was.

"You did well, to tell him the secret keeper was me," he said, glancing up.

Rachel nodded. "I didn't want to put Professor McGonagall in danger and I figured the Dark Lord is going to have a harder time finding you. And he already was after you, so this wouldn't make him more after you. Same with Professor Dumbledore. And it means I can lie to the Dark Lord, even though he said he'd know if I was lying."

"The Dark Lord usually uses passive legilimency, the same way Albus does, to tell if people are lying. You have somewhat of an advantage here, as it's your own mind, and he cannot use legilimency on you within there. He will also be watching your expression and your body language. However, I want you to keep in mind that the Dark Lord isn't judging what you tell him based on any standard of the truth. He is judging what you tell him against what he believes to be true. The idea that I was the secret keeper made sense to him, so he accepted that as the truth. When you speak to him, you must imagine what he will believe to be true," Severus explained, wishing he wasn't doing this to his own child. These were lessons she shouldn't be forced to learn.

"And I have to do it quickly, so that it sounds like I'm not making something up."

"In most circumstances, yes, but in some things you can pretend to be reluctant to answer, especially if it is personal or might place people in danger. That will give you a little time to think, and also give the Dark Lord a sense of victory. We want to have him believe he is manipulating you without him actually manipulating you." It was a high bar and the seeds of manipulation were already in place. "We need to talk about his threat. At some point he will kill someone in your name, if only just to prove that he will. When this happens, it is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to stop it. It may happen more than once."

"He'll make me watch," she said, pressing her lips together and looking down at her knees.

"If he can control the visions to do so, he most certainly will."

"There's no stopping him." Her head was bowed, but she didn't sound upset.

"From doing this, no we can't stop him. Overall, we will stop him and end this war." He wanted to give her some hope that there was an end in sight.

"Do you think we put Pansy in danger?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, uncertain where that question was coming from.

"Obviously there was someone else reporting to him if he knew I was sick with anxiety. If what Pansy told her parents doesn't match up, then they might realize she wasn't telling the whole truth," she said, meeting his gaze.

"Pansy did tell her parents that you were sick and that's why you weren't playing Quidditch or eating in the Great Hall," he reminded her. "If I had to guess, I would say that the Dark Lord saying you were sick because of the war is conjecture on his part. And Pansy knows to contact us if she needs help. She has her message jewelry and she can cast a corporeal Patronus."

"You don't think her parents will hurt her?" Rachel looked more frightened about this than she had about the conversation with the Dark Lord.

"No, I don't. I've known Wardell and Ambrosia for over twenty years now and I know they cherish Pansy. They wouldn't be trying to excuse her from service to the Dark Lord if they didn't love her more than their obligation to him. They won't purposefully bring her in front of the Dark Lord," he said, hoping to reassure Rachel.

Rachel sighed. "What about Draco then? He always said his parents cared about him, but then his father tried to kill him with no warning. What if there isn't time for Pansy to get help?"

"Lucius acted without thinking in a desperate attempt to save his own life. His child had just betrayed the Dark Lord in front of the Dark Lord and a room full of Death Eaters. If Lucius had been thinking, he would have cast something to pull Draco away from the portkey and then begged for Draco's life. Lucius and Narcissa love Draco. I don't doubt that Lucius was punished severely by the Dark Lord for Draco's betrayal. As for Pansy, she made the decision to go home to her parents and we have to accept that she knows the situation better than we do. I don't believe she would have gone if she believed herself to be in danger," Severus said, watching Rachel closely. He knew this was a difficult topic for her.

"Sometimes it's when you don't think you're in danger that you get hurt the worst." She looked eerily blank for a moment before she blinked and looked at Severus again. "What about the message to Draco? What do we do?"

Severus frowned as he considered that. He knew that message would be painful for Draco to hear. "I think this has to be your choice. If you want to tell Draco that you had a conversation with the Dark Lord and ask him if he wants to hear the message, you can. If you don't want to tell him, you don't have to, but expect for the Dark Lord to ask what Draco's response was the next time you have one of these conversations."

"I don't want to hurt Draco, and I don't know if it's just a lure to trap Draco or if they really mean it."

"Probably both. Lucius and Narcissa want Draco back, undoubtedly, but the Dark Lord will not let what happened pass without punishment. Draco would be tightly controlled if he were to return. It is in his best interests not to, but that's also a decision he needs to make for himself." Severus suspected that after nearly dying, Draco would not be willing to return. Draco had understood the decision he'd made on the day he'd made it.

Rachel nodded, her expression suggesting she was consumed by her thoughts.

"I think we're going to need to practice lying and giving falsehoods," Severus said after a long moment.

"I'm actually a pretty good liar," she said, raising her eyebrows at him. "And I'm good at keeping secrets."

Severus considered that, unable to recall a time when Rachel had lied to him, unless he counted all the times she told him she was fine, which he generally categorized as self delusion rather than lying. He did know she was good at keeping secrets. "Lying to the Dark Lord is not like lying to a teacher or your friends. The stakes here are much higher."

"That's true, I suppose."

"To start with, I want you to play this as if Albus and I don't trust you with information about the war or the Order. Act frustrated by this. You want to know what is going on and we're keeping that information from you because we believe you are a child," Severus said, his mind busily going over the ways they could keep Rachel safe during this.

"I can do that. I can be like 'I know attacks are happening, because I see it in the newspaper, but no one will tell me anything'. Maybe I can get him to reveal his plans." She looked more alert now, as if she was considering the possibilities instead of ruminating over what was about to happen.

"Remember, you are not a spy. Whatever information you get is good, but do not go into this trying to get information. Your goal is to conceal information while appearing to give it away. That is more difficult than it sounds," he warned her.

"Okay. I think I need to act reluctant and wary of him, but like I'm afraid he will do what he says he's going to do if I don't answer questions. That won't be hard because it's pretty much true. What do I do if I can't think of a lie?" she asked.

"Then tell a half-truth. Like you did with us being under the Fidelius charm. You told the truth about that, but switched the secret keeper to someone safer. Blame whatever you can on me and Albus. We're the safest targets. There is nothing you can say to the Dark Lord that will make the three of us higher targets than we already are."

Rachel's shoulders sagged. "I suppose that's true. I hope I don't start hearing him when I'm awake too."

"Let me know immediately if that happens, or if you start sensing his thoughts, or if the connection changes in any other way," he said quickly.

"I will. This better not happen every night or I will never get any sleep."

"Hopefully it will be less frequent than that. I'm sure the Dark Lord has better things to do with his time." Severus could only hope.