"These are sensors that will determine how powerful the spell you are casting is. White is their ordinary state in ambient magic. Yellow is a low powered spell, orange is somewhat more powerful, and red is a high powered spell. In order to kill with the Killing Curse, this needs to turn red," Severus explained as he set up two round circles against the back fence posts.
"What happens to the person if it isn't high powered?" Rachel asked.
"At a low level, it will give someone a nose bleed and disorient them. About at middle level it will knock them out and break some blood vessels. When you're using the Killing Curse your goal should always be to kill. This spell is about channeling hatred. Think of it as being almost the opposite of the Patronus charm. It's not just power that you're giving the spell, you must have the intent to see someone dead and the hatred to wish it to be so. Try it with the verbal incantation. Take a moment to focus first. You're not going to have this sort of time in combat, but for now build yourself up to it. This is why we're practicing."
Rachel had doubts about what other people - including Professor Dumbledore - would say about Severus teaching her to cast an Unforgivable curse. She had her own doubts as well, but she also recognized that in some situations the only option was killing. When it came to the Dark Lord there was simply nothing else that would work.
She focused her thoughts on the Dark Lord, on all the people she'd been forced to watch die, and on all of the deaths that were being reported that she didn't see. "Avada kedavra!"
The green light struck the sensor but it only turned the very palest of yellow.
"What were you thinking about when you cast the spell?" Severus asked.
"About all the people he killed."
Severus shook his head. "No, it doesn't work like that. This can't be fear or even justifiable rage. It has to be hatred. You can't cast the Killing Curse wanting to kill someone for the betterment of society. This is personal. He has wronged you personally." He pointed his wand. "Avada kedavra!" The sensor turned a deep red.
Rachel stared at the sensor. It stayed red for a long time before it began to fade back to white.
"You do not have to think of the Dark Lord if that inspires too much fear for hatred to be clearly felt, you can think of someone else," Severus suggested when Rachel didn't move to cast the spell again.
"I don't think I know how to feel that sort of hatred," she finally said. "I know that I should. But when I try I just feel sort of blank or numb."
"Close your eyes," he instructed.
Rachel did so.
"Think of the last time you were angry. Not frustrated, but angry."
She dug around in her memories for a while, searching for anger. "I don't really feel anger."
Severus exhaled audibly. "You were taught that it wasn't safe to feel anger, there's a difference. Everyone feels angry sometimes. What about Umbridge?"
Rachel felt her muscles tense. "I was angry at her when she hurt Millie."
"Not because she hurt you?"
"No. I didn't care that much." Rachel opened her eyes. "She didn't hurt me that bad and I could deal with it. But Millie isn't used to that sort of thing and it really hurt and scared her."
"Think about that moment then, about how you felt about Umbridge when she hurt Millie. Hold that anger and then start connecting other things to it. The way she treated you. The way she unjustly singled you out. The threats from her. When she used the Imperius curse on you. Let that anger build and focus it on her," Severus said.
Rachel tried, but then shook her head. "All I can think about is that she's now being tortured in Azkaban and I don't want her to be there. I don't think anyone deserves that."
"Can you focus just on the moment of anger then? Just like you call up good memories for the Patronus charm and experience them again. Remember just that moment."
She remembered watching Millie cradle her hand, the drops of blood falling to the floor. Millie trying to hide her tears. Millie staying up late that night because she was afraid to sleep. Now she felt that same stirring of anger. A desire to lash out at the person who had hurt her. "Avada kedavra!"
The sensor was now a bit darker yellow, but not by a lot.
"How do the Death Eaters do this? I saw them at the Ministry and they were casting the Killing Curse like it was the Stunning spell. They weren't stopping to feel hatred. They didn't even know those people."
"Much like the Patronus charm, it becomes easier the more you do it. The Death Eaters didn't have to feel hatred at any specific individual in order to cast the Killing Curse there. They were taught to feel disgust and hatred toward those they feel are lesser than them - muggles, muggleborns, half-bloods, and those who stand with them. To the practiced Death Eater, casting the Killing Curse is no more difficult than casting the Stunning spell," he explained.
"Why don't I feel hatred about the Dark Lord? Shouldn't I feel that way about him?" she asked, trying to sort through her own feelings.
"For some people, when they feel fear, they turn that into hate because they aren't comfortable with being afraid. For others, the fear can become too overwhelming to feel anything else."
"I'm not afraid of him," she said.
Severus raised his eyebrows. "I would think it would only be reasonable to be afraid of the Dark Lord. I am certainly afraid of him."
Rachel sighed as she tried to figure out a way to explain that it was difficult to be afraid of a person who you knew was going to kill you. That was more acceptance of reality. "I'm not afraid of the Dark Lord himself. I'm afraid of what he might do before we can stop him. I'm afraid of you or my friends dying."
"Those are understandable fears, though I wish you would show some concern for yourself as well. It is my intention to keep you alive through whatever means necessary and it would be helpful if you had that same commitment."
She assessed him and decided that he was still pretty deeply in denial about where all this was heading and she still wasn't going to have that fight with him. "I will do whatever it takes not to be taken captive by them again," she settled for.
"Good, though it is more than just captivity that we have to worry about. But right now is not about worry," he said, though he looked pretty worried.
"Are there spells that rely on having a lot of anxiety to cast, because I'd be really great at those," she said, smiling slightly to show that she was joking.
"Not that I'm aware of, though that would certainly be an interesting field of spell creation. Spells that require a great emotional intensity one way or the other are not very popular because they are inherently difficult to cast. To cast them reliably you must be a master of your thoughts and emotions. How is your Patronus charm these days?" he asked.
"Not as good as it used to be, but better than it was last year. I can still get a corporeal Patronus, it just takes some more focus," she admitted.
He nodded. "It's good that you are gaining that mastery over yourself. This is a similar mastery. There is value in allowing yourself to feel anger. You're allowed to be angry at people who have hurt you."
"I just don't. I couldn't stop them, so what good does it do me to feel angry about it?" she asked after she checked herself and found that while she was becoming uncomfortable with this conversation, she still wasn't feeling anger.
"You couldn't stop them when you were a child. Anger didn't help you then, even though it would have been natural to feel it. But when you felt angry about Umbridge hurting Millie, you came to me so I could stop it from happening again. Anger can be something that motivates you to act, something that tells you that a situation is wrong. I'm not suggesting that it's necessarily good to feel angry all the time or even to act on that anger. But I think that preventing yourself from feeling it at all is doing a disservice to you," he said, his gaze focused on her. "I want you to be prepared to defend yourself in situations where someone wants to hurt you, and that means recognizing when that situation is happening."
"I came to you because we were both dripping blood and I'd been told that Professor Dumbledore had banned corporal punishment at Hogwarts and I wanted to check if what had just happened counted," she pointed out.
Severus sighed and ran his hand across his forehead. "Can you recognize that what she was doing to you and other students was wrong?"
"Yes, of course. I think she should have been removed from her teaching position once people knew. Anyone who hurts kids shouldn't be a teacher."
"You and I are in agreement on that."
"I just didn't think there was anything you or Professor Dumbledore could do to stop her from doing what she wanted to do. And there certainly wasn't anything I could do," Rachel pointed out. "I don't see what that has to do with feeling anger or hatred."
"The reason I'm focusing on anger is because hurt and fear and anger can be gateways to hatred. Usually hatred is a mix of all three, sometimes with disgust as well. When someone hurts me or you, I feel furious. I feel that there has been an injustice committed and I want to right it. When I was younger, I let my anger and fear and hurt turn into hate, which was part of leading me down a path to becoming a Death Eater. But you can feel those things without hurting anyone else. It's alright to feel anger and you can do it without hurting anyone," he explained.
"The only thing I feel when someone hurts me is the desire to hide it and to try to avoid them in the future," Rachel admitted.
"Which is what you were taught to do as a young child," Severus said, looking pained. "Maybe I am not teaching this correctly. Have you talked with Torey about anger and about how you feel about the Dark Lord and the people who have hurt you?"
"Some," Rachel hedged.
"It might be worth revisiting that conversation with her. Maybe she can help you reach some of your emotions that you are currently preventing yourself from experiencing. I wish I knew how to help better. My path to casting the Killing Curse does not seem to be your path."
"I know how important this spell is. The Dark Lord isn't likely to just drop his shield or to make it easy to kill him," she said, hoping that he wasn't thinking she wasn't taking this seriously.
"Or even Death Eaters. I want you to be willing to use lethal force if necessary to defend yourself. I know that's not easy, but you have to be willing to defend yourself from people who are willing to kill you or abduct you," he said, his gaze intense.
Rachel nodded. "I know. I really do. And we're sort of working on that in training. Tonks and Kingsley say that we have to be willing to cast back at them. It's a lot more…I don't know. It's harder than it is in the DA, where we're just casting Disarming charms at each other. And the training spell doesn't even really hurt that much, but it's different to cast that at people than it is to disarm them."
"I'm glad that they're training you for that then. When you're fighting, you can't allow yourself to think of the Death Eaters as human. They are simply the enemy. You have an objective and that's it. Let's take some time away from this. You can talk with Torey and see about allowing yourself to feel things. I will try to think of a different way to teach this spell. Perhaps you and I can do some of the training exercises as well out here so that you're familiar with fighting one on one if you need to."
"You know I'm never going to win against you, right?" she asked.
"It's not about winning against me, it's about practice so you get comfortable with strategies and tactics. I want you to be able to watch me and predict what I'm about to do next, not because you know me, but because of the way you see my eyes and my wand and my body move. Let's be done for the day, and I will think about how we're doing this," he said, collecting the sensors.
"Alright," she agreed. She could see the sense in practicing, but she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to cast the Killing Curse.
The table that stretched out in front of them was long, Death Eaters sitting down either side. They were well dressed. Place settings were out on the table, but the food had not yet arrived.
It was quiet apart from the sound of someone sobbing. A woman hovered above the table near the head chair. She had open robes over muggle clothes. Her long blonde hair dangled to the table, her brown robes hung down as well. "Please, please," she whimpered between sobs.
Most of the Death Eaters didn't seem to notice, but a woman with thick black curls and full lips seemed to be enjoying the show, her lips parted slightly as she stared. She sat to one side of the head of the table. Opposite her was a thin man with straw blond hair and a freckled complexion. He was attentive to the head of the table, rather than to the woman dangling in the air.
"Raise a glass. To the future that we are building." There was a long pause as the Death Eaters did so. "Each step is a step closer. Every pureblood who comes to see the truth is another stone in the foundation. For every mudblood like this that we kill, we strengthen the bloodlines that bore us. For our future. For our children's future. Time for dinner, Nagini. Avada kedavra!"
Rachel woke screaming.
"Easy, easy, you're back, you're alright. Take a breath," Severus said, his hands on Rachel's upper arms.
She managed to sit up. She reached for her forehead and her hand came away bloody. Her head was pounding, her scar was burning, and she was seriously considering throwing up just to make the swirling sensation in her stomach go away.
Severus let go of her and handed her a potion. "Pain Relieving Potion. I'm going to put Healing Salve on your scar, but I think we're going to have to hold a cloth against it, you're bleeding fairly heavily."
Rachel drank the potion, her stomach surging again at the foul taste, but she managed to keep it down. She held still while Severus tended to her scar and then reached up to hold the cloth he'd conjured against it. She looked at him, hating that she was always the one to have to deliver this sort of news. "Professor Burbage is dead."
He froze for a moment and then drew his wand. "To Charity Burbage. Emergency. Please tell me your location." His Patronus remained standing, her head turning back and forth. "Damn it. How?"
She swallowed, trying to figure out how she was supposed to answer that question. "They had captured her, they were having some sort of formal dinner. The Dark Lord tortured her and then killed her," she settled on, trying to leave out as many details as possible. Severus didn't need to know that Professor Burbage had pleaded for her life and had offered them information that she didn't have.
Severus shook his head. "I more meant how could she have been captured. She was staying at Hogwarts this summer. She knew it wasn't safe for her to be out."
"Professor Burbage was a muggleborn?" Rachel guessed.
"Yes, though it is more complicated than that."
Rachel hesitated, confused by that statement, but uncertain if she should ask. "How is it more complicated? She's muggleborn and the Dark Lord wants to kill muggleborns, especially those associated with Professor Dumbledore."
"Those things are all true, but Charity had somewhat of a different experience. She was two years ahead of me at Hogwarts. When she was a young child, she was taken from her parents by Family Services because her accidental magic had gained media attention. Her parents believed that she was performing miracles and were showing people. This happened several times before it was decided that Charity could no longer stay with her parents and she was given to a pureblood family to raise. She was seven years old when they took her and they changed the memories of her parents so they would not recall they had her," Severus explained.
"But they left Professor Burbage with the memory of her parents?" Rachel asked.
"Yes, they felt it would be too damaging since most of her memories included her parents. Charity wished to return to the muggle world, but when she attempted to do so after she finished at Hogwarts, she found that she no longer fit. She wound up getting a Mastery in Muggle Studies and spent ten years advocating for muggle rights at the Ministry before she agreed to take the Muggle Studies position at Hogwarts. I don't understand what she was doing out of the castle. We never did discover why Sturgis had left his wards either," Severus said.
Rachel didn't know Professor Burbage well. She'd talked to her a number of times in the Great Hall, usually during the Christmas holidays or in the week after the school term ended, but that was pretty much it. "Were you close friends with her?"
"No. She was a Hufflepuff. I didn't associate with her during my time at Hogwarts, though Lily knew her fairly well. I was casual acquaintances with her while we both taught at Hogwarts, but not a close friendship. Slytherins don't tend to take Muggle Studies. I need to tell Albus." Severus drew his wand but didn't cast his Patronus yet.
She removed the cloth from her forehead and carefully felt at her scar, finding her fingers wet with blood and Healing Salve. "Why is it bleeding so much?"
"I don't know. I'm going to affix a bandage. Hold still for a moment."
Rachel held still and then felt something press against her forehead. Severus then vanished the cloth she was holding. "I'd sort of hoped that I wouldn't have visions while he's been talking in my head," she said, gently poking at the bandage.
"Still only while you are asleep, correct?" Severus asked.
"Yes, only while I'm asleep." It had happened four times now and she was getting weary of having the Dark Lord pry about her past. His response to Severus' response to his message had been just to laugh.
Severus nodded and looked back at his wand. "I must tell Albus." He cast his Patronus. "To Albus Dumbledore. I need to speak with you the next time you are available."
"I bet Professor Dumbledore doesn't sleep much," she said, wondering if Order members and the Ministry were sending him messages at all hours.
"No, I don't think he does. I'm going to go get dressed to receive Albus. Will you be alright for a moment?" he asked.
"I'm fine."
Severus looked at her for a long moment. "It's alright not to be fine. However you feel is alright."
"I don't feel much of anything right now. I mean, kind of horror, I suppose. Sadness that Professor Burbage was killed and that she was taken from her family like that. But, mostly I just can't feel anything. Is something wrong with me? Shouldn't I feel something?"
"No. It could be mild shock, or your mind is aware that you can't manage this right now, so your mind is protecting you from it. You may feel differently later, or not, and either is okay. I'll be right back."
Rachel watched him leave and willed herself to move. She needed to at least put on a jumper so she wasn't meeting with Professor Dumbledore in just her nightgown. Something was wrong with her. No one watched people die and just felt vacant about it. She was sure she used to feel something in situations like this.
It wasn't that she didn't care. It was more like she just couldn't reach wherever it was that would let her feel something. She closed her eyes and checked on the Dark Lord. He felt exhilarated. He felt purposeful, maybe even accomplished. She opened her eyes and grimaced. She'd stick with feeling blank.
She dragged herself out of bed, pulled her favorite blue jumper over her nightgown and then considered her legs. It would be weird to wear long stockings with a nightgown, but equally weird to put on trousers under her nightgown.
"Rachel? I heard back from Albus. He'll be here in a few minutes. You don't have to speak with him if you don't want to," Severus said from her doorway.
"How noticeable are my scars?" she asked.
Seeverus entered her room and looked down at her legs. "For the most part, they are barely visible. The one on your left calf is noticeable, the others are not unless you're looking for them. I can assure you, Albus will not be looking at your legs."
Rachel dug her stockings out of a drawer. "I just don't like people to see my scars. I don't like the way they look at me. I don't like the way that people look at me in general."
"How do they look at you?"
"Like they're talking about me," she said, sitting on her bed to pull her stockings on. "I know that sounds ridiculous and paranoid, but it feels that way."
"Do you feel that Albus looks at you in this way?"
She thought about that and her conversations with Professor Dumbledore in the past. "No. When Professor Dumbledore looks at me, it's more like he's considering me for something. Measuring me somehow."
"Do you want me to talk with him about that? Does it make you uncomfortable?" he asked, now looking concerned.
"No, he can't help the way he looks at me. And I'm sure whenever he sees me he's thinking about the prophecy and the Dark Lord, and that's only natural." Rachel stood, grabbed her wand, and made for the door. "It's fine."
"If you're certain. I don't like the idea of Albus using you in any way," Severus said, looking at her before leading the way downstairs.
Rachel shrugged. "It's like you said, he has to think of the big picture of the war. And like it or not, I'm a piece on the table and he has to consider that."
"You are not a piece in a chess game, you are a person." His tone was now firm.
"I know. It's alright."
Severus' expression said that it was not alright, but they were interrupted by a knock on the door.
Rachel went to the sofa, half listening as they gave each other the passphrase and Severus let Professor Dumbledore in. Severus came to sit next to her and Professor Dumbledore took Severus' armchair.
"Albus, Charity was killed tonight," Severus said, his tone much more gentle than it had been a moment ago.
Professor Dumbledore closed his eyes and sat back in the chair. His shoulders sagged.
They sat quietly while Professor Dumbledore gathered himself. "A vision, I presume?" he finally asked.
"Yes. They were having a dinner party," Rachel said, knowing how absurd that sounded.
Professor Dumbledore shook his head slightly. "Did she suffer?"
How was she supposed to answer a question like that? "Um, a little. It was over pretty quickly. The Dark Lord was more interested in making speeches than in extended torture."
He exhaled heavily. "What did Voldemort say?"
"Pureblood propaganda mostly. They were building the future. Every pureblood they convince the truth, something, I don't know, is a stone in the foundation. Every muggleborn they kill ensures the future for their children," she said, trying to recall his words without going back to that moment.
"How many people were there? Did you recognize any of them?" Professor Dumbledore pressed.
"Maybe two dozen. Bellatrix Lestrange was at the Dark Lords' side. A man who I think is Barty Crouch Junior was at his other side. The Malfoys were both there. The Parkinsons. Pettigrew. More people that I've seen before, but I don't know their names," she said, feeling a twinge of worry for Pansy.
"Perhaps we can look at Rachel's memory in the Pensieve, see if we can identify who his current inner circle is," Severus suggested. "I'd also like to know why Charity was out of the wards. She knew it wasn't safe. We never had a satisfactory explanation of why Sturgis was out of the wards either."
"You think they're luring them, somehow?" Professor Dumbledore asked.
"I think we have to consider the possibility. We should figure out who the last person was to see Charity and see if they recall if she said she was going somewhere," Severus said.
"I will ask the staff who are currently at the castle. If Rachel is willing to let us see the memory of the vision, that would be helpful as well," he said.
Rachel nodded. "I can do that." She knew it was important that they knew who was held in high regard by the Dark Lord.
"We'd also like your advice as to how Rachel should respond if the Dark Lord questions her about this vision," Severus said.
Professor Dumbledore looked thoughtful. "She will need to observe him and see how much he knows. If it seems like he's pressing for information about the vision, I think we can safely assume he knows he's sending them, and she can tell him about it. We still want him to believe that she can't successfully lie to him and the longer we can maintain that illusion, the more room we have to work."
"I'll be cautious," Rachel promised.
"Is there anything else I should know about your connection or Voldemort?" Professor Dumbledore asked.
"He feels pretty satisfied right now. He feels accomplished," Rachel said, unable to stop herself from grimacing.
"I see." Professor Dumbledore got to his feet. "I will arrange a memorial for Charity. I'll let you know when. If you're willing, come by my office tomorrow after lunch and we'll view the memory and attempt to put names to faces."
"We'll be there," Severus said, standing and escorting Albus to the door. He returned to his armchair. "If you are not comfortable showing Albus the vision, you do not have to."
"I just…I don't want him to have to watch her die," she said. She saw how pained Professor Dumbledore had looked when Severus told him.
"I'm not saying it will be easy, but Albus understands the necessity. However, it is your memory, you get to make the choice," he said.
"It's fine. It's important that we know who the Death Eaters are. I'm going to go lie down," she said, getting up.
"Alright. Let me know if you need something."
"You too. If you want to talk or anything," she offered.
"Thank you," Severus said, bowing his head.
Rachel wondered if she should stay but decided that Severus looked like he wanted to be alone. She went back to her bedroom and then laid down on top of her bed. She didn't intend to sleep, but she wanted to spend some time not thinking either.
Rachel carefully used her charmed chisel to finish the last of the carvings she needed to do for her Ancient Runes homework. Running her finger over them, she thought they looked okay. They were much closer to what they had been before she'd acquired her tremor. While her spells weren't perfect, they were at least functional. Now she just had to do the write ups and the graphs, and then acquire another chisel so that she could demonstrate the spells to the class.
That just about finished her summer homework. She sat at her desk and found that she felt oddly trapped.
She'd gone with Severus to Professor Dumbledore's office today and let them see her memory of the vision she'd had last night. Afterward Severus and Professor Dumbledore had sat together, listing Death Eaters and noting who was placed where in the hierarchy and what it all meant.
Rachel had sat with Fawkes at her shoulder and with a cup of tea and a small plate of biscuits and had felt frustratingly like a child. She understood that what she could do for the war was limited, but she wanted to push to be allowed to do the things that would help. She didn't understand why they were delaying the search for the cup horcrux or pushing the final confrontation with the Dark Lord further away.
She'd asked if it was possible that the Death Eaters had gotten into Hogwarts to abduct Professor Burbage, and they'd both assured her that hadn't happened. The last time anyone had seen Professor Burbage was at lunch yesterday. Rachel wasn't entirely convinced.
Training with her friends once a week and training with Severus in the back garden did not seem enough, but she wasn't sure what would be enough. She still felt on edge. A number of times at Sirius' house she'd felt uncomfortable when people walked near her.
It wasn't exactly the feeling that something bad was going to happen. Something bad was happening all the time - she didn't need her visions to tell her that, she could read it in the newspaper. It was more like it was hard for her to reach anything that wasn't worry or blankness. It felt like Death Eaters were always either right around the corner, and she was either bracing herself to meet them or she simply hoped that they killed her and finished all of this.
She couldn't go back to school like this. If she went around in the corridors like this she was going to wind up hexing someone for reaching for her. And then there was the problem with Slytherin House. She didn't think it was an exaggeration to say that nearly half the House wanted her dead. Or maybe that was an exaggeration, but it certainly felt that way.
In all of her time at Hogwarts she'd never wanted to leave Slytherin. Not when people were surprised because her parents were Gryffindors. Not when people said she studied like a Ravenclaw. Not when Moody had been insisting she wasn't safe in Slytherin. It was her House and she firmly stood by the belief that not all Slytherins were bad and not all of them supported the Dark Lord and the pureblood agenda.
Now she considered how safe she could be in Slytherin House. It was almost strange that she'd been more accepted there when all anyone knew about her was that she was the Girl-Who-Lived and she couldn't talk. Then again people didn't really view the lower years as threats. And she'd had Severus' protection. She wondered just how many of them thought that Severus had been trying to corrupt her or lead her to the Dark Lord's path, before it was revealed that Severus had betrayed the Dark Lord.
The real problem was that the other Houses weren't really any better. There were fewer people who believed in the pureblood agenda outside of Slytherin, but they certainly were there. And the Ravenclaws being involved in the events at the end of the term showed that they were willing to act against her. The divisions might be more clear in Slytherin, but the problem was endemic to magical Britain as a whole.
She had no idea what she could do about any of it. She had to return to Hogwarts. More than that, she wasn't going to allow them to scare her away from Hogwarts. She had a right to an education and she wanted to be with her friends.
Even with all of the training they were doing and all of the protections she had, there was a very good chance she'd be attacked at Hogwarts again this year. Even worse, there was a good chance that her friends would be targeted as well. The only person she wasn't worried about was Severus. He was certainly capable of defending himself. A student would have to be absolutely crazy to raise their wand to Severus.
The only thing she could do was wait and deal with it when it arrived. That seemed to be the only thing she could do about any of this.
Rachel opened her two-way book and wrote 'Just checking in. Everything is fine here. How are all of you?'
She supposed she could go to Headquarters and bother her friends, but she'd been there a lot lately. It wasn't exactly that she was lonely. She just wanted someone to talk to and she knew if she talked to Severus he would worry about her.
She began writing out her process for her spell modifications, figuring she might as well while she was sitting here and she glanced at her open book every paragraph or two.
'I want to strangle my sister. I am so glad we were Sorted into different Houses because if I had to put up with Isobelle everyday at Hogwarts I would have been expelled for cursing her,' appeared in Millie's handwriting about twenty minutes later.
'What did she do?' Rachel asked.
'Just being her usual whiny self. I have decided I am moving out of here as soon as I finish at Hogwarts. Between my mom nagging me about applications for the Healer's Training Program and Isobelle complaining that she wants to go see her friends and turning up the Wizarding Wireless, just about the only person here I can deal with is my dad,' Millie wrote back.
Rachel had never quite understood the problem between Millie and Isobelle, but for whatever reason they didn't seem to be able to stand each other. 'You haven't told your mom about applying for a Charms mastery?' she wrote, deciding to ignore the Isobelle problem for now.
'No, and I'm not going to until I get an acceptance letter for an apprenticeship. She should know by now I have no interest in Healing. It's like she doesn't even know me. She thinks that just because I'm taking the NEWT classes required for the training program that I'm going to do it. I should have dropped Potions and killed that dream right then.'
'I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to help,' Rachel wrote. She had no idea how to deal with guardians who weren't yelling or hurting, but who weren't exactly helping either.
'What are you doing? More training?' Millie wrote.
'Not today. I just finished my spell for Arithmancy and now I'm doing the write up. I don't think it's exactly what Professor Vector is looking for, but Severus says it should be alright for a grade.'
'Mine is stupid and probably already exists, but I couldn't think of anything else,' Millie wrote back.
'Does it work?' Rachel asked.
'Yes, it works, and I did the write up. So I should at least get a decent grade for it. It's just…I wish I had thought of something better, but I felt like I needed to start working on something so I wasn't trying to invent a spell in the last week of August.'
'I think that's a good thing to do, just in case. Maybe you'll be struck by inspiration and you can invent a different spell, but at least you have something to be graded,' Rachel wrote.
'I know we're all keeping it a secret, but I wonder what everyone else did. I feel like I can't even guess.'
Rachel thought about that for a long moment. 'I have no idea. I had a hard enough time coming up with mine.'
'Me too. I'm being called down for dinner. I'll talk with you later if I don't kill anyone,' Millie wrote back.
'Good luck. Try to keep everyone alive.'
Rachel returned to her homework, guessing that she had another fifteen minutes before she was called down to dinner herself. When she reached the part where she needed to graph the spells, she set aside her quill, closed her book, and went to wash up before going downstairs.
She found Severus in the kitchen, pulling a shepherd's pie out of the oven.
"You're just in time," he said, glancing at her. "Is everything alright?"
Rachel pressed her lips together for a moment before deciding they should have dinner without discussing any of the myriad of problems that were crowding her mind. "Yep, just fine."
She opened her eyes to find herself in the dark misty space in her mind that seemed to be her connection to the Dark Lord. Weirdly, she thought she was actually getting used to this. The conversations happened much more frequently than her visions and she thought she was getting better at deflecting the Dark Lord.
He approached, his robes stirring around him as he walked.
In a way, this was kind of a good thing. It was getting her used to facing the Dark Lord. Maybe she wouldn't completely panic the next time she faced him for real.
"What OWLs did you receive from your exams?" he asked without preface.
Rachel blinked and decided there wasn't anything harmful from him knowing that. "Outstandings in Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, Charms, Herbology, Potions, Transfiguration, Care of Magical Creatures, and Defense. Exceeds Expectations in History and Astronomy."
"You didn't take Divination or Muggle Studies?"
"No. Severus said that Divination wasn't worth the time unless you were a Seer, and I felt I already knew what I needed to know about muggles," she said, wondering if this was his roundabout way of asking about Professor Burbage.
"Divination is a fickle field. I ignored it to my detriment. Where were you, two nights ago?"
"At home." He was definitely probing about the vision now.
The Dark Lord looked at her, his red eyes boring into her. "If I am not mistaken, you observed my dinner party."
"I did," she said, remembering what Professor Dumbledore had told her. "Did you want me to observe it?"
"It wasn't my intent, but I have nothing to hide from you. If you wish to watch me cleanse the country, I have no objection to that. What else have you seen?" he asked, seeming unperturbed.
"Too much to remember," she bluffed. If he thought she was watching everything, that might be to their advantage.
"Be more specific."
"I've seen you killing a lot of people, but it's hard to be more specific when I don't know their names." That had the benefit of being true. "How do you pick who to kill?"
"The more difficult question is how do I pick who remains alive. Magical Britain is dying," he said, taking the tone of a professor.
It was harder than Rachel expected not to point out that magical Britain was dying because he was killing them, but she restrained herself. "What do you mean?" she asked, expecting to receive pureblood propaganda, but maybe he'd also tell her how they could know who was in the most danger in order to protect them.
"What do you know about the Founders?"
Rachel hesitated, her mind immediately going to the horcruxes. "Not a lot, Professor Binns didn't really talk about them in History class."
"There's a reason for that. They don't want you to know."
Rachel blinked again. She'd expected propaganda, not conspiracy theories. "They don't want us to know what?"
The Dark Lord held his head high. "They don't want you to know about the decline of magic. I'm considered to be the most powerful wizard in the world. Before me, there was Grindelwald. A thousand years ago, we would have been middling at best."
She noted the absence of Professor Dumbledore from that list.
"By allowing those of lesser blood into our world, we've been teaching to the lowest, which prevents us from reaching the great heights of our ancestors. We used to be able to do great things. Wandless magic used to be common. Enchanting objects and inventing potions used to be a standard for every wizard, not something that people specialized in. Seeing the future was something most could do. Then we started interbreeding with muggles, diluting our blood, and look what we've become. Most people can't raise a wand to defend themselves." The Dark Lord looked disgusted and Rachel remembered Severus telling her about disgust and fear leading to hate.
Deciding that pointing out that the Dark Lord was a half-blood was a poor idea, she asked a different question. "Haven't there always been muggleborns?"
"Where do you think muggleborns come from?" the Dark Lord asked.
Since 'muggles' was obviously not the answer he was looking for, Rachel shook her head. "I don't know, I never really thought about it."
"Most muggleborns aren't powerful enough to use a wand. They never become aware that they are magical. Some of them find that they are lucky, or that odd things tend to happen around them, but they don't connect that with magic. There used to not be muggleborns, because it was too dangerous to interbreed with muggles. We were being hunted, persecuted. But as we began to interbreed, more children were born without magic. Those children went on to have non-magical children, and so on, until they mated with someone who also had a magical ancestor. Their magical offspring is what we call a muggleborn," the Dark Lord explained.
Rachel reminded herself to take this all with a grain of salt, the Dark Lord was a very biased source of information. "Then how did the first magical people come about?"
"We are a different species entirely, a species that grew to utilize magic from the beginning. In a proper world, there would be no muggles at all."
She definitely didn't believe that. "So your goal is to make it so it's more like the Founders' time? When people were stronger magically?"
"Essentially yes. We must get back what we've lost. We must return to the ways of our people. We've allowed muggle culture to have far too much influence over us. We are our own people. Once we show how much more powerful we are because of it, others will follow. They will understand that this is the only way. Do you understand?"
"I can understand why you'd want people to be more powerful and to have more uses for magic, but I think killing people is wrong." She wasn't sure what answer he expected of her. He couldn't possibly believe that he could convince her that he was right, could he?
"Do not think of it as killing people. Think of it as removing what should not be. The muggleborns are an abomination at best and the downfall of our species at worst."
"But you're not just killing muggleborns," she pointed out.
"Unfortunately we must cull the herd of those who will simply breed with muggles again. If we allow it to happen, the same problems will continue to plague us." The Dark Lord refocused on her. "I have been told that you are strong in magic, even if I have not seen it for myself. A corporeal Patronus at thirteen years old. Winner of the Triwizard Tournament at fourteen."
"And I'm a half-blood. My mother was muggleborn and she was supposed to be pretty powerful as well," she reminded him.
"And I offered for your parents to join me. You would have been much better off if they had."
"Why?"
"Well, for one, you wouldn't have been raised by muggles. Surely you wished to grow up with your parents or is there a problem I'm not aware of?" he asked, now refocused on her.
"No, why would you offer for a muggleborn to join you?"
"The same reason I allowed Severus to join me, despite his muggle father and rather dismal upbringing. Power. As I told you before, most muggleborns are weak. It's a problem with half-bloods as well. Some of them can compensate for that with intelligence, but not many. Your mother was both powerful and intelligent. She would have furthered our cause. Obviously I would not have allowed her to breed."
Rachel stared at him, not sure what to even do with a statement like that.
"I could make the same offer to you. You are powerful and intelligent. Obviously, again, you couldn't breed, but you could have a place with me. Wouldn't you like for no one to ever be able to hurt you again? Wouldn't you like to protect your friends? I could even find it within myself to forgive Severus, should he be appropriately contrite. You could have anything you wanted. What is it that you want?"
"I want for people to stop dying. I want the war to be over."
"And so it shall be. You and I join together. Both sides will listen to us. The fighting stops. We remove the last of the muggleborns. We focus together on the betterment of magical Britain," he said.
She looked away as she considered her options. Obviously she wasn't going to join him, but it might be to her advantage to make him think she was considering it.
"Don't make the same mistake your mother made. She dismissed me out of hand. And yet Severus still wished to save her. I offered to let her live, if I could have you. She left me no choice but to kill her. If I had heard the whole prophecy, I would not have acted so hastily."
"I need time to think," she said.
"Then take time to think. Ask me questions. Let me be a resource to you. Tell me what you want, and I will make it so. Until next time," he said.
A moment later Rachel was sitting up in her bed. She was trembling, but she didn't think it was just because she was freezing. Her heart was pounding, but all she could think of was that Severus had tried to save her mom and the Dark Lord had tried to let it happen.
The Dark Lord could be lying. That was a very real possibility. He was clearly out of his mind if he thought that mass murder was the way to strengthen magical Britain.
She had known her mom had died protecting her, but she'd never imagined her mom had the chance to live. Then again, she'd never imagined that her parents had the option to join the Dark Lord in the first place. Severus had told her that what the Dark Lord had really wanted was power. It seemed that was true if he was willing to so easily abandon his purported ideals to work with half-bloods and muggleborns.
After turning on her light, Rachel cast a warming charm on her blankets and then pulled the book she kept with Severus and Professor Dumbledore and a quill into her bed. Now she had to think of how to write about that conversation - and about the parts she was leaving out.
Severus came to a stop in the open doorway to Albus' office and watched. Obviously Albus knew that he was there, Albus always knew who was in the room with him. And Severus had been summoned.
Albus was bent over a small golden cauldron, his wand held just above the surface.
There were only a handful of potions that were brewed in solid gold cauldrons, simply because most people - even potioneers - didn't have solid gold cauldrons. Severus didn't have one because it was impractical and unnecessary. Nevertheless, he understood what Albus was brewing.
"How long have you been taking the Elixir of Life?" he asked when Albus finished.
"A little over a month now. The curse from my hand is beginning to spread," Albus said, sending the cauldron over to a counter to cool with a wave of his wand. "I want to maintain my body as it is now for as long as possible."
"Would you like me to look at the magical binding on your hand and see what I can do?" Severus offered.
"If you would not mind, I would appreciate that. I had a curse specialist look at it, but they were only able to adjust the bindings to slow the spread of the curse." Albus stood and made his way over to the armchairs by the window.
Severus joined him. "Would you like me to examine it now or at a later time?" He suspected this was not why he'd been summoned.
"Now will do nicely." Albus extended his withered hand. "I'll send for tea in a moment."
Severus drew his wand and began to work. The curse was spreading, it had moved three inches above where it had been bound. "If I adjust this, you'll likely lose some mobility in your wrist," he warned, knowing this was Albus' wand hand.
"I would rather lose some mobility than allow it to spread unfettered."
"It will not stop it from spreading entirely, only limit it. I suspect we will have to do this a number of times," Severus said as he worked, deftly moving the strands of the binding while preventing the curse from moving further. He worked in silence after that, feeling around the edges of the curse and making the magical bindings as tight as he dared without Albus losing circulation to the hand entirely. "There. We should look again in six months."
"Thank you." Albus rang a small bell that sat on a side table and a House Elf appeared. "A tea tray for myself and Severus, if you would, Pipsy."
"Right away, Headmaster sir," the House Elf said before disappearing again. A few moments later a tea tray appeared between them.
They took a moment to each prepare a cup of tea. Severus ignored the biscuits.
"You've read about Rachel's latest encounter with Voldemort?" Albus asked once they were both settled.
"I have. I have made it clear to her that the Dark Lord's beliefs about muggleborns and magical people as a species are only theories and that while it is a theory held as fact in some circles that most of us approach it with more skepticism," Severus said.
"Good, though I should hope that Rachel is approaching what he says with suspicion as default."
"She is. As she wrote, she is making herself appear more open to his beliefs in order to gain information from him. While I do not entirely approve of her attempting to gather information, it's perhaps more practical than brash statements of opposition." Not for the first time he was thankful Rachel was sorted into Slytherin. He could only imagine the effect of a stereotypical Gryffindor response to the Dark Lord's entreaties that she join him. "I think she also wishes to shift the questioning off of her. She is deeply uncomfortable speaking to the Dark Lord about her childhood, and with good reason."
"Understandably so. I don't know what Voldemort is attempting to gain by that other than traumatizing her. Given that he mentioned you, more than once, I think we need to prepare ourselves for the possibility that he will use your history against you. Voldemort may use your deeds as a Death Eater to attempt to divide her from you, or to try and weaken her trust in you," Albus said, his gaze sympathetic.
"That is a possibility. I will prepare Rachel for that. She is already aware of my activities as a Death Eater, so at the very least, he won't surprise her with it." Severus hoped their conversations did not head in that direction, though he supposed that might be better for Rachel than the Dark Lord preying on her childhood memories.
"Awareness is one thing. She might not be ready for the specifics," Albus cautioned.
"I will make her aware of the possibility and remind her that she can ask whatever questions she has of me and that I would rather she use me as a source of information than the Dark Lord." He was not going to go into specifics with Rachel unless he absolutely had to.
"What are your plans for her supposed uncertainty about joining the Dark Lord?"
Severus frowned. He did not like this either. "Right now we're taking it as it comes. I've cautioned Rachel against telling the Dark Lord anything that she supposedly wants. We do not want him doing any kind of favors for her as that will ultimately backfire. The current goal is to get through these discussions without either giving away information, overly distressing Rachel, or prompting the Dark Lord to kill anyone in her name. It's a delicate balance. If we can make the Dark Lord believe that he is successfully wooing her, then that buys us time."
"There is only one way in which that will end."
"I know. And I will warn Rachel about that as well. She understands that the Dark Lord will wind up killing someone over these conversations one way or another, but I'd rather it not be someone close to Rachel." For the most part, the people Rachel was close to were well protected, but Severus would not underestimate the Dark Lord's ability to get into Hogwarts again.
"As long as she's aware and she's making the choice to proceed. I would like to begin teaching Rachel to Look through space. Is she well enough?" Albus asked.
"Poppy has said that Rachel is steadily improving and that her heart is now well. I have caveats. If Rachel begins to relapse, this stops. If it is having a detrimental effect on her, it also stops. I will not have this process make her ill again. Both for the good of the war and for herself, she needs to be well," Severus said as firmly as he dared.
Albus nodded. "I would not wish to do anything that harmed Rachel, nor would I purposefully place her in harm's way. She will become tired through this process, but she should recover with a night's sleep. I'll ensure we aren't doing this on a night when she has to get up for classes the next day."
"How long do you expect this will take?" Severus asked.
"That will depend on how naturally adept Rachel is at mind magic. We can't use how quickly she learned occlumency or built her mental architecture to judge by, so I'm not certain what her aptitude for this will be. It took me about a month of weekly practice to begin accessing the space and another two months to begin to make sense of what I saw. Overall, Looking through space is not an terribly useful technique unless you are searching for a magical occurrence or unusual protuberances. There aren't very many practitioners," Albus explained.
"Do you have any other ideas as to how to find the cup horcrux if this doesn't work?" Severus asked.
"Old fashioned sleuthing. If this doesn't work, we begin to question the family members of Death Eaters. Someone somewhere has seen this cup. It would have been a trophy. A symbol. Whoever was given it would want to display it, not hide it. At least not until the war ended."
Severus wasn't certain how likely that was. There were some Death Eaters in Severus' acquaintance who would do exactly that. But the Dark Lord would know that too. Would he have wanted to give the cup to someone who would treat it like a trophy? Maybe, so that it was treasured and valued and protected. But it was equally likely it would have been given to someone with orders to hide it where it couldn't be found. On top of that, many Death Eaters had died in the last days of the war. If one of them had hidden it, Severus wasn't sure how it could be found.
"Will you bring Rachel to me on Friday afternoon and we'll begin?" Albus asked.
"I will, if she agrees to it." Severus knew that she would. Rachel had been eager to help with the war ever since she'd learned about the horcruxes.
"I will see you both then," Albus said. "Please alert me in the meantime if there's something I should know. Charity's memorial is here at Hogwarts on Sunday morning at ten."
Severus set aside his mostly untouched teacup and rose. "We'll be there." He let himself out and wandered back down into the school. There was always one more problem, one more thing, one more piece to add to the weight they carried. He would talk with Rachel and they would go from there.
"Can we talk for a little bit?" Severus asked as they finished putting away the dishes from dinner.
"Sure," Rachel said. She paused by Gladys' perch and pet her. Severus said that Gladys was perfectly capable of feeding herself, but Rachel still liked to give her bits of her dinner. Gladys seemed to appreciate the opportunity to eat something other than mice and whatever else owls naturally ate.
She followed Severus into the sitting room and settled on the sofa, wondering what had happened now. She knew that he'd gone to see Professor Dumbledore earlier today, so maybe he had some news about the war.
"There are a few things," he said as he sat. "The first is that Albus would like you to begin learning Looking through space with him starting on Friday if you feel well enough and wish to do it."
"I am well enough and I want to do it," she said eagerly. About time.
"This comes with caveats. If you begin to relapse, the lessons stop. If they make you ill, we stop. Albus says that you will likely feel exhausted afterward and that he will arrange for these lessons to take place on evenings where you don't have class the next day," he explained.
Rachel nodded. "How likely is it that they will make me ill? Is that something to do with the process itself?"
"It will partially depend on your affinity for mind magic. Generally people don't even attempt to learn this technique unless they have proven adept at mind magic. Since we can't judge your abilities because your occlumency and mental architecture were already in place when we began lessons, we'll have to take this as it goes and see what happens. I want you to be both honest with me and honest with yourself. You are the best judge of whether or not this makes you ill."
"I'll do my best," Rachel said, though she didn't know how adept at mind magic she was. She had struggled to learn to build things in her mind.
"How are you feeling about eating now that you've stopped taking the Stomach Soothing potions?" he continued.
"Fine. I think my stomach has gotten used to eating again, so it's not as uncomfortable as it was in the late winter. I'm still not big on most meat, especially when it's alone, but that's more about the smell than it is anything else. I think I'm eating pretty regularly." As far as she could tell, she was eating a fairly normal amount and Severus hadn't complained that she needed to eat more for most of the summer. "Does this mean I can return to eating in the Great Hall once school starts?"
"We'll have Poppy check you before school starts and at monthly intervals after that to make sure you remain healthy, but if she says that you are well enough and Torey agrees, I don't see why you couldn't resume your meals in the Great Hall," he said. "This is another situation where I want you to be honest with yourself and honest with me. If it starts becoming more difficult to eat, I want you to talk to me and Torey."
"I will." She thought she'd recognize the signs by now.
Severus watched her for another long moment, his expression conflicted. "Can we talk about your discussions with the Dark Lord?"
"Yes. There hasn't been anything since Tuesday."
"There are a few things we should discuss regarding this. The first is that Albus and I think it's likely that the Dark Lord will attempt to turn you against me by telling you details about what I did as a Death Eater," he paused, his gaze still fixed on her.
Rachel pressed her lips together. In a way, he'd already started that by telling her that Severus had asked the Dark Lord to save her mom. She hadn't written that down in case Professor Dumbledore hadn't known. "I'm not sure the Dark Lord understands that it would be upsetting to me to hear about you torturing and killing people," she said. "But even if he does, I already know because you told me about it."
"Knowing that I did it and hearing the details of it are two different things entirely. I want you to know that you can always ask me about anything he says and I will tell you the truth. I would prefer that you asked me, even if you believe that he is telling you the truth."
"Is it true that you asked the Dark Lord to spare my mom's life? And that he tried, but she wouldn't give me to him?" she asked.
"It is true that I asked him that. He had become fixated on your family and the Longbottoms. We weren't sure who he was going to choose to go after. I begged him one evening to spare Lily's life and he admonished me for not getting over my affections, but said that he would. As for if he actually tried, I don't know. The only people alive who know what happened that night are the Dark Lord and Pettigrew," he explained.
Rachel exhaled, uncertain if she should even do this. "Can I ask you a personal question? I mean really personal? I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't hurt me by asking a question. You can always ask," he said, raising his eyebrows.
She didn't think that was entirely true. "What happened, between you and my mom?"
Severus closed his eyes for a moment and ran his hand over his mouth and chin.
"You don't have to answer. I just don't understand."
"I will answer, it's just very complicated," he said. He exhaled heavily. "I met Lily when we were still children. I saw that she had magic and I was intrigued by her. I had not met many other magical children. Imagine my surprise when I discovered she didn't believe in magic."
"What was she like?" she asked when he paused for a long time.
"Headstrong. She had definite ideas about what she wanted and what she believed. A bit mischievous. She loved her family. She idolized her older sister. It took me a while to convince her that magic was real and that what she could do was magic. She introduced me to her family and it was my first real understanding that not all families were like mine. I was jealous, though I desperately tried not to show it. I taught her about magic. We traded books. I let her secretly borrow the magical primers I had and she let me borrow her muggle story books. My mother had told me about her time at Hogwarts and I was eagerly awaiting when I could go. I told Lily everything and we both were terribly excited when we received our Hogwarts letters the summer when we were eleven. And then we went to Hogwarts and she was sorted into Gryffindor and I was sorted into Slytherin."
Rachel knew that wasn't the end of their friendship. She knew they'd been friends for at least some of the time while they were at Hogwarts.
"We maintained our friendship, but mostly in secret. We would meet in the alcoves of the library or go out on the grounds. Even more than it is now, most of Slytherin House had strong feelings about muggleborns and I didn't wish to be ostracized more than I already was. The conflict with James and his friends started almost immediately. James was brash and had very little understanding that other people's lives were not like his. He loved a joke and I was often the butt of his and Black's jokes. I was poorly socialized and had a temper and became focused on causing him and his friends as much pain as he was causing me. Lily did not approve of any of it. She wanted me to rise above it and ignore them. She believed that would make it stop. I knew that it wouldn't."
She frowned as she thought of her dad and Sirius. She hated that they had hurt Severus. That they had been bullies.
"As the war outside Hogwarts escalated, people on the inside began taking sides. I was recruited by some of the older students, such as Lucius Malfoy, along with Regulus Black and a few others. They promised me protection and the ability to defend myself, and I was hurt and angry enough to listen. Students attacked each other within the castle. One of the Gryffindor muggleborn girls was badly hurt. I had nothing to do with that attack, but Lily and James believed that I did. At the end of our fifth year, just after our OWLs…" Severus trailed off, his gaze fixed in the distance.
"You don't have to," she said when he didn't go on.
Severus shook his head. "Just after our OWLs, I had gone out on the grounds. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings, I was focused on the OWL I had just taken. I was ambushed by James and his friends. They held me upside down and threatened to strip off my clothes. Lily tried to come to my rescue, but I was angry and humiliated. I didn't want her help, I was embarrassed that a girl offered to help me and embarrassed that she had seen me this way. I called her a mudblood and she was deeply offended and left. After that she refused to let me explain and I lost my closest friend. From that point I allowed my hurt and rage to drive me further into hate and further into the Death Eaters. I was angry at everyone. I wanted them to hurt as much as I'd been hurt."
Rachel swallowed. "I'm sorry they did that to you." While she certainly didn't approve of him calling her mom that, she could see that Severus hadn't been acting rationally.
"No. I don't want you to apologize for them. And I don't want my experiences with James to color your perceptions of him. In the end, my mistakes caused far more pain and suffering than his did.
"You told me that you reconciled with them before they died?" she asked.
"Yes. Once I learned that Lily was pregnant and that the Dark Lord considered you a possible candidate for the prophecy, I went to Albus. I told him everything I knew, allowed him into my mind to prove my sincerity, and we agreed that I could best protect Lily by continuing to provide information."
"He used you," Rachel said, Severus' trust issues with Professor Dumbledore suddenly becoming clear.
"Yes, he did. Albus' focus was on winning the war. If that cost the life of one reluctant Death Eater, so be it. Albus agreed to hire me as a Potions instructor, I would join the Order, and I carefully explained to the Dark Lord what an opportunity this was. After he forced himself through my mind, he was pleased with me for cultivating such an opportunity. He wanted a spy within the Order. Little did any of us but the Dark Lord know, Pettigrew was already that spy. Albus explained the situation to Lily and James and they understood that I had come with the intention of saving their lives, at great personal risk to myself. James and I were cautiously understanding of each other and Lily and I reconciled and began to renew our friendship in private. The last time I saw them was shortly after you were born, just before they went into hiding."
"Thank you for telling me," she said. She still couldn't tell if Severus had been in love with her mom, but she felt that hardly mattered. He had risked his life multiple times to save hers. That was more than enough.
Severus nodded. "It's understandable that you'd want to know. I should have told you before now. I made a great many mistakes in my life and I regret them deeply. The loss of Lily's friendship has always stood out in my mind as that turning point, where I was standing on a precipice and took the step off."
Rachel stopped herself from biting her lip, wondering what it was she could say to comfort him. She couldn't tell him that she understood why he became a Death Eater and how he'd been able to kill and torture people. At the very least, she could understand why he'd been angry and hurt and why he'd want to defend himself and strike back.
"There's one other thing we should discuss," Severus said.
"Alright." She was a little wary of what could come after that.
"I understand what you are doing by allowing the Dark Lord to think that he can sway you to his side. We've already discussed not allowing him to do any sort of favor for you or have him thinking that he knows what you want. I want to be clear about how this will end. Eventually you are going to have to say no to him, because he will want you to come to him. When that time comes, he will kill people in order to punish you. Obviously we are doing everything we can already to protect the people who are closest to you, but I want you to be prepared for this happening, as much as it is possible to prepare for such a thing."
"Will me telling him no the next time we speak prevent that from happening?" she asked.
"No. Him killing people either in your name or to punish you will eventually happen," he said, his gaze fixed on her again.
"Then does it make sense to delay him as long as possible?"
"That's one option. The other is to attempt to end these conversations by not making them worthwhile to him. He will kill people in order to get you to respond, but if you don't give in to him, he should eventually stop when he sees that it's not getting what he wants."
"I don't want to do that," she said quickly. "I'd rather delay him. Maybe I can delay him long enough that we can end the war."
"You will have to be cautious. Try to spread out your questions. Pretend to be overwhelmed. Allow him to think that he is separating you from me and Albus. He will respond poorly if he realizes you are purposely delaying and that you have no intention of joining him. Aim for being uncertain. I think the best play is that you want the war to end with as little bloodshed as possible, and that you could potentially be convinced that joining him will achieve that. He'll never be convinced that you could accept pureblood superiority," Severus advised.
"I can do that," Rachel said, hoping she could. "Is that everything?"
"Just about. Charity's memorial is on Sunday morning. Would you like to go?"
"Is it somewhere warded?" Rachel asked.
"Yes, on Hogwarts grounds. I'll be with you the entire time," he assured her.
"Then I'd like to go," Rachel stood and made her way toward the stairs. "I think I'm done for the night. Goodnight."
"Goodnight," Severus said.
Once in her room, Rachel sank down on her bed and tried to sort out everything they'd talked about. She'd heard about her parents from various sources, but what Severus had just told her felt the most real. She felt a strange longing for her parents. Even if they weren't perfect people, even if they'd done things she disapproved of, she still wanted to know them.
She sat for a long time, her thoughts swirling as she attempted to put her mind back in order.