"You have mail," Severus said when Rachel came downstairs for breakfast.
Rachel picked up the letter and saw that it was from Hogwarts. Obviously her grades, and maybe her book list too. She ran her thumb over the seal, trying to remember where her mind had been at when she'd taken her end of year exams.
Her grades were not that important in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't going to help her with the situation with the Dark Lord and she wasn't going to survive long enough for them to matter for her career. Even knowing this she still felt a bit of anxiety. She couldn't put together why her grades were important to her other than that they were judgment from someone else as to whether or not she was 'good'.
At her muggle primary school, her grades had always been middling. She didn't have the opportunity to do homework, group projects always went poorly, and often she was struggling with other things when she was taking exams. It hadn't really mattered because her relatives hadn't cared what her grades were. They wouldn't even bother to look at her grade reports.
At Hogwarts it had become important because she'd had the opportunity to start over and prove how good she could be. If she could just be perfect, then everything would be fine. She had enough self awareness to know that things hadn't really worked out that way and other than winning the approval of her teachers, her grades didn't seem to have much effect on anything. Knowing that didn't get rid of the fear of being judged and found to be wanting.
She opened the letter and quickly scanned her grades. All Outstandings, third in class. "Are you sure the other professors don't grade me more leniently because I'm your kid?"
"Positive," Severus said. "Your scores on your OWLs should be evidence enough of that."
Rachel frowned and sat down at the table. "Last year is a little foggy to me. I mean, I kind of remember it, but for a lot of it I just kind of existed."
"You were struggling. I wish I had done more to help you, but I did not know what to do."
Shaking her head, Rachel separated her grade report from her book list. "I don't think there was anything you could have done. I needed time and I needed to deal with the broken wall in my mind. I'm not saying I'm completely better. I'm just better than I was earlier."
"I know. No one expects you to not to have been changed by what happened. It's been several difficult years," he said, watching her closely.
"A lot of stuff has happened. Who is our new Defense professor?" she asked, wanting a subject change.
"I don't know. Albus hasn't told me. He might be sheltering them until it comes time for them to take the position in case the Dark Lord targets them," Severus said.
"That's probably for the best then," she said. She only needed the Standard Book of Spells, Grade 7 and the new Defense textbook. And her NEWT guides, of course. "I assume I should owl order what I need instead of us making a trip into Diagon Alley?"
"That would be a good idea. I'll give you some money for the orders," he said.
"Thanks." She wanted to tell him she didn't need it - which she didn't - but since he had always insisted on paying for her school supplies, she didn't think that was about to change.
She ate breakfast and wondered if she should talk to her professors about her exams last year. She wasn't sure exactly what she could say. It wasn't like she could outright ask them if they'd graded her wrong. She'd already finished rereading her two-way book from last year, and she understood all of the material they'd covered. Maybe it was best to just let it be. She wasn't even sure she'd be alive to take her NEWTs.
Upstairs she opened her two-way book to check for messages and found a large message in Hermione's handwriting. 'I made Head Girl!'
Rachel smiled. She thought that was only to be expected, given that Hermione was always first in class and she had put a lot of effort into trying to arrange tutoring in Gryffindor House. 'Congratulations!' she wrote, joining where other people had written to congratulate her.
'Everyone manage alright grade wise?' Theo asked.
'Fourth in class, so pretty good. Isobelle got seventh in her class, so mom is pleased with us,' Millie wrote.
'Eighth in class, I'm Head Boy for some unknown reason,' Draco slowly wrote.
'Congratulations, Draco. You're a good pick for Head Boy,' Rachel wrote, though she was a little surprised. She knew Professor Dumbledore picked the Head Boy and Girl, so Draco must have impressed him these past two years.
'You are, congratulations. I was sixth in class, not bad,' Neville wrote.
Rachel wondered if Neville had wanted the Head Boy spot, but she definitely couldn't ask that.
'Well done everyone! Three more weeks and then we'll be back at school. I'm really looking forward to it,' Hermione wrote.
Rachel set aside her quill. She couldn't say that she was looking forward to going back to Hogwarts. She did want to spend time with her friends and go to classes. But Hogwarts itself had been rather difficult these past two years and she wasn't expecting it to be any easier this year. If she was spending all of her time at home and at Headquarters feeling like she was about to be attacked, then how was she supposed to manage being around a whole bunch of people, some of whom certainly would try to attack her?
There didn't seem a path forward for the situation in Slytherin to get better, at least not while they were at war.
She supposed it was like the situation with the Dark Lord and she just had to deal with it as it happened. There wasn't anything she could change about it from here.
At the very least, she had a time limit. She was only at school for ten more months. Hopefully they'd have the Dark Lord dealt with in the next year. She only had to manage for that long and then she'd never have to worry about anything again.
"Are they going to have the school put back together by the time students are supposed to be here?" Rachel asked as they walked through the entrance hall. It was still packed with various things, though she thought they might have been different things from the last time she was here.
"We're making steady progress. We should be finished by September. The towers are all done, as are the upper levels. We should reach the dungeons by next week and there is not too much down there," Severus said.
Rachel understood they had to block off any way for the Death Eaters to get into the castle that they could think of, but she worried that there were ways that they weren't thinking of. After all, no one had anticipated that they could get in using a vanishing cabinet. This was one of those areas where she felt her knowledge of the magical world was limited - she hadn't even known that vanishing cabinets were a thing, so how could she have anticipated that they might come through one?
"Lemon drops," Severus told the gargoyle guarding the Headmaster's office and they rode the staircase up.
She was a little nervous, mostly because she still didn't have enough of an understanding of what Professor Dumbledore would be teaching her to know what to expect.
They found the doors open and in the center of the office there were two upholstered chairs that seemed to be intended for someone to lay down on. Fawkes was sleeping on his perch and the Headmaster was behind his desk looking at a piece of parchment.
Professor Dumbledore looked up. "Thank you for joining me today. Severus, we should be finished in two to three hours. I'm locking down my office for the duration, but you and Minerva will be able to enter in an emergency."
Severus nodded. "I'll be in the Great Hall assisting with checking items. Please send your Patronus should you need me."
"We will," Professor Dumbledore said.
Rachel met Severus' eyes and nodded when he looked at her. She should be fine here.
Severus nodded once more and left.
Professor Dumbledore moved his hand, causing the doors behind Rachel to close. "If you'll give me a moment, I will just block the floo. It's important for us both not to be interrupted and to keep your body in a safe and well guarded location when Looking through space. Minerva, Severus, and Poppy know my emergency password, but they also know not to interrupt us unless there is truly something that cannot wait. Ideally you want someone you trust implicitly nearby while you are Looking through space as it is somewhat disorienting to emerge and you will not be in a position to defend yourself."
"Severus said that the Dark Lord won't do this because it would leave him vulnerable," Rachel said.
"The vast majority of people do not have the aptitude with mind magic to do this in the first place. Among those who do have the ability, few are willing to leave their bodies vulnerable to do so. This technique is rarely taught as it requires trust in the person teaching you," Professor Dumbledore explained, his wand moving over the fireplace.
Rachel considered that. She knew Severus' trust in Professor Dumbledore was complicated, but he hadn't suggested that this was something not to trust Professor Dumbledore with. She decided that he wouldn't have brought her here today if it wasn't alright.
"Now, I am told you have some experience meditating and I know you have experience with accessing your own mind and with manipulating your shields, correct?" he asked as he moved to the center of the room.
"I can access my own mind easily now and open my shields to let people in. The only meditation experience I have has been with the four animagus meditations and meditations to reduce anxiety," Rachel clarified.
"Come sit, make yourself comfortable." He motioned to the second lounge chair as he settled himself in one. "I'm told you're planning to attempt the animagus transformation this year under Minerva's guidance."
Rachel sat down and found that if she tilted her head slightly she could easily meet Professor Dumbledore's eyes. "Yes, assuming she's willing to mentor us. We've been preparing for a few years now. Are you an animagus, sir?"
"I'm not. My primary focuses were on alchemy and mind magic and when I did my Mastery in Transfiguration I decided not to put the time into that process. You are still considering a Potions Mastery?"
"I'm not sure how practical that is with the war. I'm not willing to put someone in danger just so they can teach me," she said, feeling she could be honest enough about that.
Professor Dumbledore looked at her for a long moment. "I suggest you still send your letters, just so you have all of your options open to you. We don't yet know what the war may bring. Shall we begin?"
"Yes, I'm ready." As ready as she was going to get while not knowing what was coming, at least.
"Close your eyes, I want you to do the beginning steps as if you were going to meditate. Relax your body, relax your muscles. Focus on keeping your breathing slow and steady," he instructed.
Rachel settled in further on the chair, letting herself lean back a bit. She breathed and imagined feeling her muscles relax, starting with her face and jaw and then slowly moving down her body.
"Good. I'd like you to maintain your body in this state. Open your eyes so we can connect. This time, instead of you allowing me inside your shield, you're going to step outside your shield to come to me. Do you understand?"
She nodded and opened her eyes. She held Professor Dumbledore's gaze for a long moment before closing her eyes again and reaching for her doors. A moment later she was standing inside her mental architecture. She took a brief look around, but everything seemed to be the same as the last time she was here. In the back of her mind she knew she should check on her mental architecture more often. If she'd done that last year, she would have discovered the cracking wall much sooner and before it had become a danger to her. She just didn't feel comfortable inside her own mind; both her manifestation and her connection to the Dark Lord played a role in that.
She opened the door and peered out, but could only see white light. Deciding that she had to trust that she'd be able to get back in, or Professor Dumbledore wouldn't have told her to go out, Rachel stepped out into the light and found herself floating in a mist. Behind her was a large wooden wall with no perceivable opening.
"I can go back in?" she asked the floating figure of Professor Dumbledore as he came through the mist.
"Yes. This is still your mind and your shield will recognize you. Simply go to it and enter. If you'd like to do that now so that you see that you can, that is fine," he said.
Rachel turned back to her shield and assessed it, wondering how she was going to get in. Finally she pressed her hand against it and found that her hand went right through. She followed her hand and a moment later was right by her door again inside the cathedral. That was easier than she expected. She opened the door once more and went through and back into the mist.
"This area is my mind too?" she asked, wondering a moment how to move, but finally leaning forward and floating toward Professor Dumbledore as if she was riding a broomstick.
"It is. Your shield is wrapped around your memories and your conscious and unconscious mind. In an untrained mind, this area would be filled with thoughts and memories as they rose up to consciousness."
"Severus says my shield is not like other people's shields."
"Most people's shields are not so literal, which is perhaps a side effect of the limits of your mind at the age you were when you first made your shield. Most people who are taught occlumency are instructed to have a more malleable shield that is an overlay of things, often of nature imagery. A whirling storm, a forest of trees, a deep lake with waves lapping at the shore. Over the top of their shield they overlay memories and thoughts that they don't mind an intruder viewing, with the intent that the intruding legilimens does not realize they are an occlumens at all," he explained. "Given the more direct nature of your shield, that will not work for you, but we have already seen that your shield is a formidable defense."
Rachel remembered the Unspeakable who wasn't able to access her mind. "I'm not sure my shield will stand up to the Dark Lord, and he's the one who really matters."
"Ideally you will not be in a situation where Voldemort has the opportunity to use legilimency on you. Sometimes the best protection you can have is avoiding the situation entirely. Your manifestation seems to be doing an admirable job of keeping Voldemort out of the inside of your mind."
"Why do you think he never tried to question me while I was held captive? He had the opportunity. He could have easily have tortured me for information, and I would have given it to him. But he didn't even ask me any questions." She'd come back to this idea multiple times, but she still didn't know what to make of it. "He could have had the full prophecy without ever going into the Ministry."
"I'm afraid the answer is very simple. He underestimated you. He views you as a child and in his mind, children aren't given important information. He assumed we would not have told you the prophecy or anything else worth knowing. Even now he is not pressing you for the names of Order members, our plans, or other things that would be useful to him in the war." Professor Dumbledore looked fairly somber as he spoke. "I believe the fact that he is now reaching out to you with questions is a sign that he is coming to view you as a true threat. He's learned that underestimating you does not get him what he wants, so now he seeks to understand you so that he can anticipate what you will do next. And since he only gives out information about the war and his plans to those he needs to enact those plans, he assumes we do the same."
"I think it's probably a good thing that I know as little about the Order as possible for the time being. I don't plan on telling him anything, but I don't think we should ignore the possibility that he could take information from me," she said, looking at Professor Dumbledore in hopes that he would tell her that the Dark Lord couldn't take information from her mind.
"If the situation progresses to the point where we believe he's able to take information from you unconsciously, we will take steps to ensure that you don't have the information to give him," he assured her.
Rachel didn't particularly want to be obliviated, but she would volunteer for it if it became necessary to protect people and to keep the Dark Lord from knowing that they knew about the horcruxes.
"As always, continue to monitor your mind and your thoughts for things that shouldn't be there or for things that you don't recognize as yourself. Now, let's focus. The next step, and one of the more difficult steps, is to leave your own mind. Right now, if you concentrate, you should be able to feel your body resting on the chair. Take a moment to find your body without leaving your mind."
She thought about her body, recalling the feeling of breathing and the feeling of relaxing her muscles. It was almost like an echo of the body she was in here. "I can feel it."
"Good. Next, I want you to focus on moving away from your mind and your body. We'll be exiting through the mist and out into the world. Moving from the known to the unknown," he instructed.
"What will it look like?" she asked, knowing that visualization was important for mind magic.
"That I cannot tell you, as it looks different for every person."
Rachel looked at him again. "Why?"
"Because, in the strictest meaning, you are not seeing anything. You are extending yourself and your magic as a sensory organ. We do not have the proper receiving organs to interpret what we learn, so we process them as visual and physical stimuli instead."
Rachel remembered the Dark Lord telling her that magical people were a different species, though Severus had said that was only a theory. "Are we supposed to have different organs?"
"Not necessarily supposed to, but it would be handy to have them. But, what this means in effect is that what you see of the outside world, influenced by your magic sensing things, will have to be interpreted by you. But before we can interpret, we must first reach out and sense what is there. We are going to move to leave the mists and I want you to concentrate both on outward movement and on extending your senses," he directed.
Rachel nodded, though she really only had the vaguest understanding of what she was supposed to be doing. Outward. Away from her mind. Away from her body.
She began floating through the mist, Professor Dumbledore walking by her side, and she wrangled her thoughts and tried to imagine her magic working as a sense. It sort of already did, because she was able to feel some spells that were cast at her.
After what seemed like a very long time, she came to a stop and looked behind her. Her wall was still exactly in the same place. "We haven't gone anywhere."
"Not to worry. As I said, this is one of the more difficult parts of the process. I did not expect you to succeed today," he said.
She frowned. It might have been nice to have that expectation known up front. "How long did it take you?"
"A few weeks, though I had the benefit of legilimency training before I began, so I had practice in propelling myself out of my own mind. It will take time and work. I think we can end here for today. Go back through your shield and then open your eyes in my office."
"Yes, sir," Rachel said, a little bit frustrated. It wasn't that she expected to be able to do something Professor Dumbledore couldn't - if it had taken him a while to learn, then it would certainly take her a while to learn. She just wished she'd been more prepared to fail.
She went into her shield and then opened her eyes back in her body. A wave of exhaustion washed over her. "How long were we in there?
"Nearly three hours. When you are not inside your body, you tend to notice the passage of time far less. I recommend that you go home, take a nap, eat a good meal, and then get some more rest. You should feel better in the morning," he said, looking weary himself.
"Why does it affect people in this way? This doesn't happen when I'm inside my mind usually."
"Because even though you do not feel connected to your body, you are using it and your magic to reach out. That's one of the reasons we meditate before we practice, so that we put as little stress on our bodies as possible, as well as helping to open our minds. For the most part, what you are exercising is your magic. If you were casting spells repeatedly, especially powerful spells that drew heavily on your magic, for three hours straight, you would feel a similar level of exhaustion," he explained. "Are you ready for me to summon Severus, or do you have more questions?"
"I suppose the only real question I have is if you actually think I can do this?" she asked, feeling uncertain about her aptitude for mind magic.
"I do not know if you have the ability to do so. The only way to find out is through trying. If we do not succeed within two months, I will teach you the basics of legilimency so that you have practice leaving your mind, and then we will try again. While you're at school, I will schedule our lessons for Saturday evenings so that you have time to rest before and afterward, assuming you wish to proceed."
Rachel considered that for a moment and then nodded. "If you think it will help to find the cup horcrux, then I want to do it. Do you think it will help to do that?"
"I think it will. When I Look through space I can see the faintest disruptions from the horcruxes, but only because I know that they are there. I suspect, given your affinity for the other horcruxes, that it will stand out far more to you. With time, we should at least be able to get a general location of the cup horcrux," he said, sounding confident.
"We'll do that then," Rachel said, hoping that it was as easy as it sounded. She sank back against the lounge chair. She was ready for bed.
"How was your week?"
Rachel covered up a yawn. "So-so." She had slept a lot yesterday and she still felt barely recovered from her experience with mind magic.
"Is there anything that came up for you in particular?" Torey asked.
Reminding herself that she was working on not biting her lips, she instead pressed her lips together as she tried to figure out the right words. "Not in something that happened."
"But in something that was on your mind?"
"Sort of. It's more like a feeling, and I'm worried that it's going to get worse when I go back to Hogwarts," she admitted.
"Can you describe the feeling?" Torey prompted.
"Maybe it's not a feeling," Rachel said after thinking about it for another moment. "It's…I feel like I'm going to be attacked. And it's not rational. Sometimes I feel it just in the sitting room when I'm alone. Or out in the garden. Or at Sirius' house when I visit my friends. Or anywhere. And that's with no one around. I'm worried that it's going to get worse when I'm around people, especially when some of them are likely to attack me."
"Does it feel similar to when you've experienced anxiety?"
"Maybe related, but not exactly the same. It's more direct than anxiety. I keep…it's stupid."
"It's not stupid. How you feel is not stupid. Try finishing that sentence without criticizing or denigrating yourself," Torey said, raising her eyebrows at Rachel.
Rachel sighed. "I should be remembering the attack on the first floor corridor. But I'm not. When I'm thinking about it, or not even thinking about it, it's…I remember Goyle grabbing me and apparating away with me."
"That's not necessarily surprising. Can we talk about that some more?"
"Yes," she said, though she didn't really want to. She didn't know what to say.
"How did the attack that happened in June differ from your abduction?" Torey asked. "Not necessarily in the specifics of what happened, but in your response and how you feel about it?"
She had the sneaking suspicion that Torey already knew the answer to this question, even though Rachel wasn't fully sure she could even put it into words. "They both happened really fast. I was caught off guard. I didn't know what to do."
Torey nodded. "What else?"
Rachel fidgeted and tried to figure out what she was supposed to be saying. "I don't know. In the first floor corridor, I called for help pretty much immediately, but I was hit by a spell. I don't even know what spell. Professor Dumbledore showed up and he dealt with the Death Eaters, but Millie and Theo were still in danger and Professor Dumbledore wouldn't put me in danger to help them. That was scary, I wanted him to save them. But, at the same time I was really glad he was there because he was in charge and he was making things better."
"How does that differ from what happened a year ago?"
"I tried to call for help, but they stunned me. And it wasn't as immediately obvious that I was in danger. I let Goyle walk up to me. I stopped and I wasn't paying attention, and I didn't even draw my wand."
"Can you hear the difference in the way that you talk about these two events?" Torey asked.
"I suppose," she said, still not fully certain what Torey was getting at.
"We've talked about this a little before. You blame yourself for being abducted. 'I let him walk up to me' and 'I wasn't paying attention' and 'I didn't draw my wand'. You're placing responsibility on yourself for what Goyle did. And I think there are a couple of things affected by that. You want to take responsibility, because if you do, then theoretically you can protect yourself from being hurt like that again. You tell yourself that 'I can do better and then I'll be safe'. But it doesn't work like that. You were just a student having a day in the village with your friends. You stopped to tie your shoe. There was nothing there for you to prepare for or for you to protect yourself from. When Hogsmeade was attacked at Easter, you immediately took action to protect yourself. You recognized the signs that you were in danger and you called for help. Same thing in the first floor corridor. You recognized a Death Eater attack and immediately did the thing that would give you and your friends the best chance to survive. When Goyle abducted you there was no warning. If there had been, you would have responded to it, just like you did these times."
Rachel could feel that her heart was beating faster. "I should have known."
"I know that you want to have known, but there was no way for you to know. Sometimes when people are in serious accidents they will say the same thing. They will say 'I should have known that car was there' or 'I should have known putting in that ingredient would cause my cauldron to explode'. We all want that type of foreknowledge to protect ourselves, but in some situations it simply doesn't exist. Sometimes things happen out of the blue. That doesn't make it your fault. It's not helping you to blame yourself," Torey insisted. "The only person who could have changed what happened that day was Goyle making the decision not to abduct you."
Rachel looked down. "Severus could have said that it wasn't safe for me to go into Hogsmeade. We knew the Death Eaters were out there. I could have made the decision that it wasn't safe to go."
"The Death Eaters were out there. But at that point they were still in hiding and not actively attacking people. How could you or Severus have known that they'd decide to do so on that day?" Torey asked, her tone still gentle.
Rachel fiddled with the ends of her hair. She needed to ask Severus to cut it before she went back to Hogwarts.
"You and Severus both made reasonable decisions based on the information that you had at the time. You cannot foresee the future. Some things are out of your control and outside of your ability to know. That does not make you responsible for them."
"I'm scared I'm going to make a mistake like that again," Rachel said finally.
"You didn't make a mistake. Goyle made a decision to abduct you and then ambushed you. You were doing perfectly ordinary things. If Goyle had told you 'come this way with me' and you went, I could see that being a mistake. But he didn't. All he did was approach you, speak with you for a moment, and then apparate away with you. There was nothing for you to notice until he abducted you, and then it was too late. I know you want to be safe. That is something everyone wants; the ability to protect themselves and the people they care about. And there are some very dangerous people that want to hurt you. You and Severus have told me about all the precautions you are taking. Is there something else you can think of that will help you stay safer?"
"I don't think so. I have a personal anti-apparition ward now. And that helps me feel a little safer. I'll be wearing that while I'm at Hogwarts. And my friends and I are improving at defending ourselves." Rachel paused as she considered how true that was. "Well, actually, we're not improving yet. We're trying though. We're learning. And they're going over everything in the castle to make sure the Death Eaters don't have a way in. And we're doing everything. But I felt like we were doing everything last time."
Torey nodded again. "For a few weeks last year you had an auror with you at school. Would it help to have her there again? Is that an option?"
"I'm pretty sure it is an option, but I don't want to take her from the front lines of the war," Rachel admitted.
"I think you should also consider your own importance to the war. Defending you is not a waste of resources," Torey pointed out.
"Maybe not. But I'd like to see how the situation is at Hogwarts first. Things were kind of high tension the last few months of the term. Maybe they'll be calmer again. I can always change my mind and tell Severus that I want Tonks with me." She didn't believe they'd be calmer, but she'd been wrong about plenty of things before.
"That's true. It's a decision you can make based on what the perceived threat is. When you're feeling like you're about to be attacked, especially when you are somewhere that you're certain you're safe, I want you to first assess the situation and check that you're actually safe. Then remind yourself of what precautions you've taken and what you can do if you sense that something is wrong. And then I want you to remind yourself that what happened wasn't your fault and that the person to blame is the person who attacked you. I know that's not easy, and it's going to feel clunky and forced, but it's part of the first step of convincing yourself to let go of some of that blame," Torey instructed.
Rachel thought that sounded like a fairly miserable thing to do, but she did want to stop feeling this way. She finally nodded. "I'll try."
"That's all I can ask."
Rachel's heart was in her throat as she braced herself to move. Footsteps were coming closer. She glanced at Millie and nodded. Millie nodded back, her wand ready. They had spent some time as a group today discussing strategy before Tonks and Kingsley arrived. Their intent now was to team up and force Tonks and Kingsley to retreat from them instead of fleeing.
Tonks rounded the corner, her wand moving toward Rachel. Rachel shielded while Millie cast the training spell at Tonks. Tonks dodged and Rachel fired her own training spell, only to get hit by Tonks' spell a moment later. She weathered the slap against her body - it wasn't really all that painful, it was more of a shock than anything else - and stumbled as she cast back. Her spell went wide, but Millie's hit Tonks. Rachel took the opportunity to cast at Tonks again, Millie shielding and dodging as Tonks aimed at her. Tonks changed her target at the last moment and Rachel stumbled as she was hit again and put up a shield as she crouched down. Her spell had hit Tonks, but Tonks merely stepped back and aimed at Millie again.
Rachel aimed for Tonks' legs, intending to either drive her back or cause her to stumble. Millie stumbled as she was hit and then Tonks went to her knees as she was hit from behind.
Ginny and Neville appeared, their wands trained at Tonks. Rachel took the opportunity to stand and kept her wand trained on Tonks.
"Good," Tonks told them, holding her hands up. "Next time be more aware of who you're guarding, you're going to want to come up behind me earlier than that. This is the point where you stun and use the Incarcerous spell if you are in a position to take prisoners, or you kill if it's a larger battle and you either can't hold the position or are needed somewhere else. It's going to happen faster than what we just did, but you have the general idea. Go back out there, we've still got five minutes."
Rachel nodded to Ginny and Neville and moved away with Millie, turning to guard their backs. She wondered a little bit about Tonks instructions. Could she actually kill someone they'd just defeated? She wasn't sure she could. She understood why. They couldn't just leave a Death Eater on the battlefield stunned because someone would come along and revive them. At the same time, she also knew that what they were doing here would be very different from an attack. They couldn't afford to get hit by spells like this because the Death Eaters would be casting deadly curses.
"Alright?" Millie whispered as they found a new place to defend themselves. "You took a couple of hits."
"Fine," Rachel whispered back. She could still feel her heartbeat, but fighting Tonks had not been as bad as she'd expected. It helped that it was Tonks and not Kingsley. She knew it was silly, but Kingsley felt much more threatening to her than Tonks did, even though they were just doing mock fights. "You okay?"
Millie nodded. "I think we're getting better at this."
"I hope so," she whispered. She wasn't sure how much better they were getting, but they'd only been practicing for six weeks. Teaming up had helped a lot, which was probably one of the lessons they were supposed to be learning. However, they were still at the point where there were nine of them against two aurors and they were still losing. If they'd been using the stunning spell or the Disarming charm, Tonks and Kingsley could easily have all of them incapacitated within fifteen minutes, and the Death Eaters would aim to outnumber them.
She'd been thinking about what they were teaching in the DA and she suspected that everyone else was too. Professor Dumbledore had told them they couldn't use this sort of training for the DA, which was understandable, but she felt there were things they were learning here that they could teach. In particular, Rachel wanted to do a paired lesson on having one person protecting while the other cast offensive spells. She also wanted to have them practice moving through an area and reuniting with teammates in a dangerous space.
"Alright, we're done, come over to the south wall," Kingsley called.
Rachel felt her shoulders relax. She knew training was important, but it definitely left her feeling a little on edge. They gathered as a group by the south wall.
"Better," Kingsley said. "Later we'll work on what to do if you're alone, but for now, teamwork is a strength. Later we'll also work on dividing the Death Eaters so you can approach them on a more level playing field. Spend some time this week casting the Shield charm. That spell should be so automatic to you that you can cast it without thinking. Your first instinct needs to be to defend, assess, and then counterattack. We'll work on that too, and you all have strong Shield charms but you need to be faster with them. You see or hear a possible threat approaching, you shield and move to a defensible position. You need to be more willing to move within the battlefield. Unless you are tasked with defending a certain place, it's to your disadvantage to be stuck in one location. That's all for this week."
She tried to put all of that into her brain. She could work on the Shield charm, though after two years in the DA it was a very familiar spell to her. It would help if they had a location to move towards in here. Right now they didn't have much incentive to move, but she recognized that in some battles the goal wasn't to get to a safe place, it was to defend someone or defeat the enemy.
"It's kind of a lot, isn't it?" Ron asked after Tonks and Kingsley had left, wiping his forehead and looking a little overwhelmed.
"It is. It's not quite like the DA," Hermione agreed. "We were teaching tactics and skills based on what we guessed combat would look like, but I can see that some of this we weren't quite correct about."
"I think we should look over the DA curriculum. I think we're teaching most of the right spells and skills, but we need to change our emphasis and tactics training. Obviously it won't quite be like it is in here, but I think some changes are warranted," Theo said.
"I have the curriculum in my room. Let's take a fifteen minute break, get some water, and then meet in the library. We should be able to make some of the changes now, and we can make later revisions as we learn more from Kingsley and Tonks," Hermione said.
"What would you think of teaching the Patronus charm earlier? Assuming everyone in the DA returns, most of them either have a corporeal Patronus or are on their way there. It might make sense to teach any newcomers the basics in October or November, that way they have more time to practice before the end of the term," Rachel suggested.
"I can see doing that. I'm not sure how many newcomers we want this year, we barely lost any seventh years," Neville pointed out.
"We should probably stick to invitation only. I don't like excluding people, but I don't think we can safely manage a bigger group. I'd like to invite my sister this year, if it's alright with all of you," Millie said.
"Will she want to join?" Draco asked. "You and your sister don't seem to get along too well. Just saying."
Millie shrugged. "I want her to be able to defend herself. She drives me crazy, but I still want her to be safe. She'll be a third year this year, so I think that's old enough for her to start to learn."
"I don't see any harm in her joining us if she wants to be there, but I don't think you should force her to either," Luna said.
"It's pretty impossible to force your siblings to do anything they don't want to," Ginny said, her expression flickering through a number of emotions before she settled on a worried neutral.
"I'll explain to Isobelle that it's important and that I want her to be ready in case something happens. She knows I was in the first floor corridor during the attack and that we needed to defend ourselves. I think she's old enough to understand how serious the Death Eater threat is and that Hogwarts isn't always safe," Millie said, though she didn't look entirely convinced.
"Well, if she wants to join, she's certainly welcome," Hermione said. "Let's take a brief break and then we can sort out our curriculum. I also have a draft of our study plan for this year if anyone would like a look. I based it off our later OWL study plan, with some input from Roland, so there should be enough breaks for everyone."
"Bring it down and we'll look it over," Theo said.
They left the practice room, people chatting idly. Rachel decided that since she had a moment, she'd check on Kreacher. She also wanted to see Sirius since she hadn't spent a lot of time with him so far this summer. He'd been out of the house a lot and she had been involved with her friends. If she couldn't find him today, she'd sort out a time with him so that they could talk.
She went to Kreacher's room on the first floor, knocked, and then crouched down.
The door opened and Kreacher peered out. "Miss. Miss visits Kreacher."
"Of course. How are you?" she asked.
"Kreacher is Kreacher," he said unhelpfully.
"Is there anything you need that you're not getting?" she tried.
"No, Miss. Kreacher has food and work and his Mistress."
Rachel nodded. "How are you doing with muggles living here?"
"The muggle filth threw a shoe at Kreacher while Kreacher was cleaning in the attic. The muggle filth screamed and screamed." Kreacher wobbled and shook his head. "Muggle filth in Mistress' home."
"They're not filth, they're just people like anyone else," she corrected gently. "They definitely shouldn't throw things at you. Did you tell Sirius what happened?" She strongly suspected the muggle in question had been frightened by Kreacher's appearance, but still, they shouldn't throw things at him. Maybe she'd suggest to Sirius that he should introduce Kreacher to anyone who was staying here so they weren't surprised or terrified.
"No, Miss. They do what they want to Kreacher. Kreacher is a House Elf."
"Just because you are a House Elf is no reason for anyone to hurt you. No one should hurt anyone. Has anyone hurt you here?" she asked, determined to do something about it if they had.
"No, Master Sirius has not instructed Kreacher to punish himself. Kreacher is not hurt. The shoe missed," Kreacher said.
Rachel frowned. While she was glad he hadn't been hurt, she was definitely going to talk with Sirius and make sure that Kreacher was safe.
"Does Miss need anything?" Kreacher asked.
"No, I'm alright, but thank you," Rachel said, not able to think of anything that Kreacher could do for her.
"Miss needs food or tea or a blanket?" Kreacher pressed.
"Not right now, thank you. I want you to take care of yourself. If someone hurts you, tell me or Sirius, okay?" she asked. "I'll talk to him and make sure the muggles know to expect you."
"Yes, Miss," Kreacher said.
"I'll be around if you need anything," she told him as she got back to her feet.
"Yes, Miss," he said again before closing the door.
Rachel went to the bathroom and smoothed her hair. Some of her curls had escaped her plait so she took it out and then tied her hair back. There was a part of her that was a little reluctant to go talk about the DA curriculum and their NEWT study schedule. That meant she was really going back to Hogwarts.
She needed to go back to Hogwarts. She wanted to go back to Hogwarts. And at the same time she was almost dreading it. She could remind herself of all the good things that happened at Hogwarts, and all the things she wanted to do, but she also felt the very real sensation that she was going back to be hunted by the Death Eaters.
One thing was for certain. She couldn't afford to let down her guard. Not ever.
"Hey," Rachel said upon finding Sirius in the drawing room on the third floor. It was late on Monday afternoon. She'd just finished doing some training with Severus and then had told him she was going to Headquarters and that she wasn't sure if she'd be home for dinner. He had taken that fairly well, merely reminding her to send her Patronus when she was safely inside.
"Hey there," Sirius said, setting aside the parchment he'd been looking at. "I feel like I'm running the world's worst bed and breakfast."
Rachel smiled and took a seat across from him. "World's worst?"
"Well, they can't exactly go sightseeing and we don't do room service and everyone in the attic has to cook for themselves." He shrugged. "Could be worse, I suppose. At least we got all the vermin out."
"There is that," she said. "How is that going?"
"We moved a family to the continent yesterday, so we're slowly making progress. I've got a contact at the Department of Transportation who is sympathetic to the cause and they're helping us get people out of the country, but they can only do so much without it being suspicious. We're up to eighteen families in the attic right now, and while that's still well below our capacity, it's a little confining for all of them, especially for the kids. We should be able to move another family in two weeks. We have to make sure we have contacts in place for them at the other side to help them get settled. The ICW isn't exactly thrilled that we're sending refugees to the continent," Sirius explained.
"Can the ICW do anything about it?" she asked.
"The ICW has barely acknowledged that we're engaged in a civil war. Individual governments can say they won't accept refugees, and a few of them have, but for the moment France, Australia, Switzerland, and the Netherlands are taking the bulk of the people we're sending away. They're all very welcoming to muggleborns."
Rachel frowned and tried to do some math in her head. "Muggleborns are around ten percent of the magical population, right?"
"Between ten and fifteen percent, thereabouts," he agreed.
"So there are probably three thousand to almost five thousand muggleborns in Britain?"
"Closer to three thousand, maybe a fair bit less than that. We lost a lot of muggleborns in the first war, either to the Death Eaters killing them or to people who fled the country and never returned. When we relocate muggleborns, we have to take their non-magical family with them, otherwise they're in danger as well. And there are some who don't want to leave."
She shook her head. "It seems ridiculous to me that we're fighting a war over such a small group of people."
"Unfortunately that's the justification that some purebloods and half-bloods use to either support You-Know-Who or to call themselves neutral. They don't think it's worth fighting for. They think it doesn't affect them, so why should they put themselves in danger," Sirius said, his mouth twisting.
"I definitely didn't mean it like that," she said quickly.
"I know you didn't. Enough war talk. How are you?"
Rachel pressed her lips together as she searched for an answer that wasn't a complete lie.
"That bad, huh?"
"Not bad. It's just a lot right now, you know?"
"I do know. I'm not blind to the position they've put you in. This damn prophecy. I keep trying to figure a way out for you, but I don't see one. There's always the option of abandoning the war. We can do that if you want to," he said, meeting her eyes.
"I can't. And even if I could, I won't. The Dark Lord doesn't just want the muggleborns gone, he wants to completely change how people are living their lives. He won't be satisfied with just Britain either. And I am the only one who can stop him." She felt strangely calm about the idea of that confrontation. She thought dying might be the easiest thing she ever had to do.
"I understand, I just want things to be better for you. We've both led terrible lives. Terrible things have happened to us, and there isn't a way past some of them. But I want for you to get beyond this war, to have a safe life afterward and to feel safe. I will do anything to make that happen," he said, his gaze fixed on hers.
Rachel felt a surge of guilt. She knew that her dying was going to have an impact on the people around her, just as any of them dying would have an impact on her. For Severus and Sirius though, she thought it was going to be a significant trauma, particularly when they'd already been through so much. However, she didn't see any other options. The Dark Lord had to die and for someone to be able to kill him, she had to die. And it had to happen soon.
"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about again now that it's a little closer," he said after a moment.
"What's that?"
"When you're finished at Hogwarts, I'd like for you to take Kreacher. He's become attached to you. He asks about you, you know. I think it would do good for him to have a new mistress that he cares about, and I would also like to know that you are well taken care of."
"You know that I know how to take care of myself, right? I don't need someone to do it for me," she pointed out. She had very mixed feelings about the idea of becoming Kreacher's mistress. She did want to see him safe and cared for, but she also really hated the idea of owning someone who was sentient. "I've been meaning to talk with you about Kreacher too. I think you need to introduce him to the muggles living here so that he doesn't frighten them. One of them threw a shoe at him."
"Introducing him is a bit difficult when he stands there muttering about filthy muggles defiling his mistress' house while not looking at them," Sirius pointed out.
Rachel sighed. "I will work on that with him, but it's also for the muggles' sake. I'm not sure that you understand how frightening it is to see someone that looks like Kreacher and then learn that he can talk."
"Is it?" he asked, looking puzzled.
"For muggles, especially muggle adults who haven't had much exposure to magic, definitely. He looks a bit like a monster or a demon. Muggles won't associate the word elf with him at all. Same thing with warning them about the charmed mirrors or the moving portraits. Having inanimate objects move or talk to them might be upsetting too," she said, trying to think of all the things that would have upset her relatives. She didn't think anything was going to be exploding, which was the form that a lot of her accidental magic took, but surely there were other things that they'd find unsettling.
"We've put away all the portraits, I didn't want any of the muggles or muggleborns meeting my family," Sirius said, nodding.
Rachel thought that given what Sirius had told her about his family as a whole, that might be a wise decision.
"We're trying to make this as painless as possible for people, but it's no easy task for anyone involved. These people are leaving their homes, their friends, their jobs, all because there's a good chance they'll end up murdered if they don't. There have been…"
"What?" Rachel asked when Sirius didn't continue.
Sirius shook his head. "The war is escalating quickly. It took nearly ten years for things to get this bad last time. We're holding onto the Ministry and the Wizengamot, but outside of that things are going poorly. The Order is trying to reach muggleborns, but with some it's hard to know if we can't find them because they're in hiding or they've already fled, or if the Death Eaters got there first. Most of the time we're not even aware there was an attack until people are reported dead. We're guarding as many people as we can, convincing everyone we can to flee, but it's not enough. At this rate the Death Eaters are going to run out of people to kill."
Rachel exhaled. That was definitely worse than she was expecting. The Daily Prophet was doing a poor job at chronicling the war. "There's something Professor Dumbledore and I have to do first, and then we'll face the Dark Lord. He says maybe a year, but hopefully it won't be that long."
He looked at her, his expression grim. "You have a plan?"
"We have a plan," she promised. It was still a little nebulous, but they had the basic structure of a plan.
Sirius blinked a few times. "I shouldn't ask. There are reasons why we don't know what other people in the Order are doing. You're certain Dumbledore knows what he's doing?"
"With this, yes. Severus trusts him with this too. I'm trying to make them go faster, but certain things have to go in order. I want to make this stop as soon as possible. To save as many people as possible." And she did. The sooner they got it over with, the better. If it wasn't for the damn horcrux she'd be pushing for them to lure the Dark Lord right now.
He nodded slightly. "You know your power? Don't tell me what it is."
"Well. Professor Dumbledore thinks he knows what my power is, but I'm not sure." She still thought Severus had the right of it and that finding horcruxes was her power. She supposed they'd find out while looking for the cup horcrux.
"I wish this wasn't happening. This shouldn't be on you. You didn't choose this," Sirius said, looking pained.
"I know, but I'm positive I'd be signing up to fight in this war even without the prophecy, just like you did, just like Remus did, just like my parents did." She couldn't exactly use Severus as an example here.
"They wouldn't want this for you, I know that much." Sirius looked away. "I know they would be telling me to get you out of here. If I could do it again, I would have taken you after my name was cleared, before all that Triwizard nonsense."
"I wouldn't have wanted to go," she pointed out. Even before the Triwizard Tournament, her experiences at Hogwarts hadn't all been positive, but they'd been a lot less stressful than the last three years had been. "Sirius, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I walked away from this. I can't do anything about the people who are dying right now, but I can do something about the Dark Lord killing people in the future. The sooner this war is over, the better for everyone."
"You're not wrong, and I can understand why you feel that way. If you change your mind though, all you have to do is say the word," he said, meeting her gaze again.
"Thank you," she said, knowing full well she wouldn't change her mind. Somehow knowing the future made her feel a little more settled. She'd find the cup horcrux, they'd deal with the snake horcrux, then she would face the Dark Lord and die. The rest was just details.
"Happy birthday," Rachel told Ginny as she entered the sitting room.
"Thanks," Ginny said, not looking remotely enthused.
"Where is everyone?" she asked. When Sirius had told her that Ginny was in the sitting room, she'd expected to find the rest of her friends here as well.
"They don't know I'm here yet. I just needed a moment." Ginny blinked a few times.
Rachel hesitated. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No, it's fine. It's just been a hard day."
She moved to sit down across from Ginny. "If you want to talk about it, you can. Or if you just want to sit, we can do that too," she offered. She knew what it was like to have well meaning people pressure her to talk about things she wasn't ready to talk about.
Ginny shrugged. "I don't really know what to say. My whole family is acting weird. Mom keeps crying. My dad won't say much about it, but spends a lot of time in his shed. The twins try to make everything a joke, but they won't even say Percy's name. Bill is trying to comfort my parents, but that seems to have the opposite effect of what he wants. Charlie came home for the memorial, but went back to Romania right away. Ron is still angry at Percy. And so am I. I feel like I can't even grieve for him because of how mad I am."
"My Mind Healer says that however you feel about people dying is just how you feel, and there's nothing wrong with that. She also says it will change over time, and that's okay too," Rachel said, not having any better advice to give.
"I want to feel something different. I've been trying to make myself feel sad and it just doesn't work. I feel like my mom has forgiven him for leaving us, but I can't seem to do it." Ginny sighed heavily. "I keep thinking that maybe if I had reached out more, this wouldn't have happened. I stopped writing to him after last summer, because he never wrote back to me. Maybe if I had said the right things."
"Maybe, but I'm not sure what you could have said to him to change his mind. He knew all last year that the Dark Lord was back." As far as Rachel knew, the main divide had happened because Percy didn't believe the Dark Lord was back, but she suspected there was more to it than that.
"He blamed my parents. For not having money. For having too many kids. He said that he didn't feel like the family wanted him. He said my dad had been working a dead end job for nearly three decades and that he should have done better for the family. Sometimes I wish my parents hadn't had so many kids or that my dad had a better job, but I wouldn't want any of my brothers to not exist. And I understand that my dad's job is important and no one else will do it. I just don't understand why Percy felt he couldn't come home when the Ministry agreed that You-Know-Who was back. All he had to do was apologize to my parents." Ginny shrugged. "Maybe he still would have died if he'd come home, I couldn't see him leaving his job with the Minister's office. But at least…I think it would feel different if he'd come home."
Rachel nodded. "Have you tried writing a letter to him now? Just writing down what you want to say to him, or questions you have for him. I write letters to my parents sometimes."
"Does it help?" Ginny asked.
"I'm not sure about helping, but I can imagine them more clearly when I do that. It's like I'm talking to them, and sometimes I can imagine what they might say in return. I tell them the things that I want them to know and ask them questions. I know it's not the same, I never really had a relationship with my parents, but writing the letters can help me put my thoughts in order so they aren't all jumbled up, and sometimes I realize I was feeling things that I didn't know I was feeling," she explained.
"I'm not sure I'm ready to feel anything."
"That's okay too, it's just an option if you want it. It doesn't even have to be letters, it can just be a journal entry."
Ginny grimaced. "I'm not sure I'm ready for a journal either. I'm kind of wary about putting my personal thoughts into books. The two-way books are okay, because I know that you are all there. My own personal book would feel too close to a diary."
"Understandable. Does just loose parchment work better? You can always vanish it or burn it afterward," Rachel suggested.
"Maybe." Ginny sighed again. "I really don't want to have a birthday party today. My parents are trying hard to make this a good day and I just don't want anything to do with it. And I can't tell them that, because they want things to be normal."
Rachel wished she had advice for that. "Would it help if we tried to make the birthday party limited? We do cake and presents with your family, then retreat and just hang out as friends like it's an ordinary day?"
"I think that's the best we can do," Ginny said. "I suppose we should find the others before people come looking for us."
"Knowing them, probably in the library," Rachel said as she got to her feet.
"Seems likely. Have you seen the piles of books Remus has?" Ginny asked, also standing up.
"Not yet. I've been waiting for him before I go into the new library," she said as they left the sitting room.
"You'll like it. It's not quite like Hogwarts library, but it's pretty good," Ginny said.
"Maybe we can hang out there when it's finished." Rachel decided she'd find Remus today and ask when he wanted her to help with shelving and such. "Anything else you want to do today?"
"Just make it through the day with no one having a breakdown or snapping at each other," Ginny said, nodding to herself.
"We'll see what we can do."