Rachel glanced around the Room of Requirement at the gathered DA. She was pleased that they were all there, though she somewhat wondered why some of the muggleborns here hadn't fled. They were safe enough in Hogwarts, but what about their families?
"Hey, Millie," Theo said.
Millie and Rachel both turned to look at him. "What?" Millie asked.
"Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think you should be the one to teach your sister," he said.
Millie sighed. "That's probably true. Rachel, will you do it? She likes you well enough."
"She does?" Rachel asked.
"Yes. She asked me all about you during the summer. She thinks you're Merlin's gift to the Quidditch pitch," Millie said.
Rachel blushed. She'd rather not have known that. It was one thing to have Viola look up to her, she was training Viola. She hoped other students didn't feel that way. They wouldn't, would they?
"I think Rachel's a good fit for that, she took a group of the younger kids last year," Theo said. "Does that work for you, Rachel? I think we only have five newcomers this year."
"I can take them," Rachel agreed. She didn't mind teaching the younger kids disarming and the Shield charm and all of that.
Gemma wandered over to them. "Quite a group you've got here. I didn't even know this room existed."
"It's a secret room," Luna said.
"Good to know. What should I expect for this meeting?" Gemma asked.
"We always start with shielding, disarming, and dodging, just for a warm up. We'll probably let the upper years do a small tournament," Hermione said.
"I think we have everyone," Neville said as he peered around.
Rachel quickly grouped people based on House and Quidditch affiliation to see if everyone was here. It was much harder to do that now than it had been when they started two years ago. Instead of people huddling with their House or team, everyone was intermingled and chatting freely. She was glad the DA had given people the opportunity to become friends across Houses and years.
"Alright, welcome back everyone," Hermione called. "Gather around for a moment."
The DA gathered in a loose circle, everyone settling down to hear what their directions were.
"I know it's been a little while, so we're going to use today to warm up and practice some basics. We've made some adjustments to the curriculum this year, so you'll get to do some new things as well. Remember, consistent practice helps. Your ability to easily and quickly cast spells, especially in situations where spells are being cast back at you, will improve the more you practice. I'd also like to thank Professor Farley for agreeing to be our staff sponsor this year. To start with, we're going to divide into pairs and practice shielding, disarming, and dodging. For those of you who can cast non-verbally, I recommend pairing with someone else who can do so. For those of you who are new, please join Rachel for a lesson and demonstration," Hermione explained.
Rachel waved the new students over to the back corner of the room while everyone else broke into chaos as they tried to find a friend to practice with. Within a few minutes she had Penelope, Isobelle, and three students she didn't know. "Why don't we introduce ourselves before we begin? I'm Rachel. This is my third year with the DA."
"We definitely know who you are," the girl with long black hair said. "I'm Maggie. That's Felicity. And that's Isobelle, her sister is in the DA and said we could join."
"And I'm Lesley," another girl said, this time with short blonde hair.
"Hufflepuff's new Chaser, right?" Rachel asked.
"That's right," Lesley said, looking proud.
"And I'm Penelope, Slytherin's new reserve Chaser." Penelope also straightened her shoulders and looked proud.
"Good to know," Rachel said. "Did Professor Nash teach any of you disarming last year?"
"She taught us," Felicity said.
"Not me," Penelope said.
"Let's start there then with a quick refresher, I also want to teach all of you the basic combat stance while we're doing this," Rachel said. "Let's start out in a line facing the windows and hold your wands out like you're about to cast a spell at someone."
The lesson went quickly, Rachel absorbed in correcting stances, helping them learn to pivot in order to cast in different directions while still being steady on their feet, and teaching them to aim their wands directly at someone's center unless a spell called for something different. After that they went through the Disarming charm and then she worked on helping them begin to channel so that they could cast a Shield charm.
All five of them looked absolutely thrilled when their shields shimmered into place and she reminded them to continue practicing it because it would get easier over time.
As Hermione called for everyone to rejoin the group so they could discuss what they learned, Rachel realized that she'd actually spent an hour not feeling anxious or on edge or anything else. She'd just been focused on helping people learn. That was actually really nice.
The DA should have felt crowded to her. There were a lot of people around, people casting spells everywhere. Instead she actually felt okay here. She supposed part of it was that in general, she trusted the DA. She'd trained with them and had taught a number of them. And maybe part of it was this was the one part of her week where she wasn't really expected to perform. She felt confident in her skills here. No one was judging her here or expecting her to do better.
She rejoined her friends as Hermione dismissed the DA for the evening.
"How was my sister?" Millie asked.
"Just fine. No problems whatsoever. She's got the start of the Shield charm and does alright with disarming. We'll work on dodging too," Rachel said, not entirely sure what Millie expected her to say.
"That's good then. As long as she's behaving herself," Millie said.
"That was a really good lesson. It's interesting how you work with students at all different levels," Gemma said.
"We'll have the younger students join us in a little while, they just need to get some basic skills before we let them loose," Ginny explained.
"I'm told you're planning on teaching the Patronus charm as well?" Gemma asked.
"It's a little redundant this year because most of the DA have a corporeal Patronus, but yes, we'll be teaching it again so that the newcomers and the younger students can get practice with it," Theo said.
"That will be exciting. I can't wait to see everyone's Patronus forms," Gemma said. "I think you have a really good club here, and I think that it's an important supplement for when you don't have the best Defense teacher, but also just as an extra structured practice time. I wish we'd had a club like this while I was at Hogwarts."
"It was sort of an emergency measure when we had Umbridge. We spent the entire time with her reading from a terrible textbook. No one was learning anything and it was our OWL year," Neville explained.
"Understandable. Well, do you need me for anything else tonight?" Gemma asked.
"No, we're all done here," Hermione said. "Thank you again for agreeing to do this."
"Not a problem at all, I think it's great. I'll see most of you in class tomorrow," Gemma said before leaving.
Theo sighed. "Well, it's going to be a busy year, but I think this is really important and it's a good use of our time."
"I think so too. It's important to me," Luna said.
"It's important to me too," Hermione agreed. "Let's wrap up for the night then. We'll walk Luna back to Ravenclaw."
"See you tomorrow," Neville said.
"See you," Millie said as they moved to leave.
Rachel yawned and decided she had two hours which she could put toward her teaching her quill runes project, and then she could do a NEWT review, and then she could sleep.
She was halfway through a serving of fried eggs and toast when the owl post arrived on Friday morning. Her thoughts were busy sorting out what she needed to do this afternoon and what could wait until tomorrow. They were currently caught up on homework, but that wouldn't last long. Hermione and Theo had redone their NEWT revision schedule, so they had two revision sessions scheduled for today and four for tomorrow. She had finished the first steps of her charmed rune quill last night, so she needed to do the write up for those steps before she moved onto the actual enchanting.
An owl landed in front of her and Rachel wondered if it was lost for a moment, but the name on the very thick packet of parchment it was carrying said 'Rachel Snow, Great Hall, Hogwarts' on the front. She cast a few detection spells on the packet, checking for curses and poisons, but there didn't seem to be anything harmful about it, so she untied the packet and gave the tawny owl some of her eggs.
Curious, because the only person who ever wrote her was Sirius, and she had just spoken with him on their mirrors on Sunday, she unrolled the packet and looked at the first page. In handwriting she didn't recognize was written 'Here is the evidence you requested. We will speak soon.'
Rachel felt a chill run through her as she dropped the packet. The Dark Lord had sent her mail. She quickly checked her hands. If anyone could use curses or poisons the standard detection spells wouldn't know, it would be the Dark Lord. Her hands felt and looked alright, but she needed to get this packet of parchment to Severus.
"I've got to go," she said as she stood up. She pulled out her wand and used it to levitate the parchment and used her free hand to pull her bag strap over her shoulder.
"Rachel?" Millie asked, sounding alarmed.
"What's wrong?" Theo asked.
"I've got to see Severus, I'll be right back," she said before hurrying between the Slytherin and Ravenclaw table up to the staff table. Severus was there, but Professor Dumbledore wasn't.
Severus saw her coming and stood up with his wand drawn.
"We need to speak privately," she told him, getting worried looks from both Gemma and Professor McGonagall.
"Come around to the back room," Severus said.
Rachel hurried around the staff table and followed Severus into the small receiving room where they'd gone on the night her name had been drawn from the Goblet for the Triwizard Tournament.
"What is it?" He asked once he'd closed the door behind them, his wand still drawn as he eyed the floating packet of parchment.
"Remember how I told the Dark Lord that I wanted evidence that what he was saying was true?" she asked. "I checked it for poison and curses, but he still could have done something to it. I touched it. I didn't realize it was from him."
"Come set it down on the table. Theoretically this should have already been checked by the House Elves for anything dangerous, but this still never should have made it directly to you," he said, motioning her further into the room.
Rachel went to one of the end tables by the chairs and lowered the packet of parchment onto it. "What do you mean?"
"Albus has had a mail redirecting spell on you since you were an infant. He didn't want people sending things to the Girl-Who-Lived while you were with your muggle relatives. Once you started Hogwarts, that spell was modified slightly so that other students and shops could send you mail directly. Black and Lupin were added to that once the situation with them was settled. For everything else you get sent, the House Elves go through it and they send anything important to me or Albus. Hold on for just a moment." Severus pointed his wand at the packet and began moving it in slight twitches.
Rachel watched, curious about what advanced detection spells he knew.
Finally he turned to her. "I don't see anything suspicious, as far as I can tell it's just parchment and ink. May I check you just in case?"
"Please do." If Severus said there was nothing wrong with her, she'd believe him. And she'd rather know and then not worry about it for the rest of the day. She felt various flashes of sensations, some hot, some cold, one felt like rough sand scraping over her skin, but finally he lowered his wand.
"I don't see anything. How do your hands feel from where you touched it?" he asked.
Rachel checked her hands again and tapped her fingers and thumbs together. "Just fine. Pretty much as usual."
"If you start feeling ill, even mildly, have your friends escort you to Poppy and then summon me. I don't think there is anything wrong, but I don't want you to ignore any symptoms," he said.
"I won't," she promised. "Can I ask a question about what you just told me?"
"Of course."
"What sort of mail do I receive?"
"All sorts of things, from fanmail and personal requests to threats. They are not writing to you personally but as to the Girl-Who-Lived. We make sure all threats are reported to the MLE and make sure requests for help are directed to the appropriate place."
Rachel imagined receiving mail like that in her first year, when she still had no idea what she meant to the magical world, or in her fifth year, after that article was written. "Thank you. For dealing with that so I didn't have to."
Severus nodded. "Now that you know, do you wish to be involved?"
"Is it okay if I say no?" she asked. She didn't think she could handle another thing at the moment.
"That's just fine. I would prefer it if you didn't have to deal with that either," he said. He looked back at the packet of parchment.
She followed his gaze. "What do you think he considers evidence? I really didn't mean for him to do this."
"We need to be careful with any sort of actionable statement that you give the Dark Lord. I think that will often lead to things we didn't intend. I'm not saying that you were wrong to ask him for evidence, but that we perhaps need different phrasing that shows you are skeptical of what you are telling him but still open to the idea," he said. "As for what this contains, let's look it over tonight. Join me for dinner and we'll go through it then and decide what your response should be."
Rachel checked her watch. He was right, they both had classes to get to and there wasn't time to really begin going through that now. "What sort of things could possibly be evidence though? Could he manufacture evidence? Make it up somehow?"
"It's entirely possible he could." Severus picked up the packet and flipped through a few pages, his dark eyes darting back and forth as he skimmed. "This appears to be a Wizengamot session transcript."
"How can that possibly be evidence if everyone knows about it?" she asked.
"We will have to read it and see if we can discover what the Dark Lord intended for you to glean from it. Are you well enough to go to class today?" he asked, refocusing on her.
"Yeah, I mean. I'm fine. I just didn't expect this to happen. And it's a little weird for him to send me mail, isn't it?" she asked, wondering if she was making a big deal over nothing.
"It's certainly odd, and it's nothing Albus or I predicted either. I will check the redirecting spells and see if I can figure out how this made it to you. I dislike the idea that the Dark Lord can deliver something directly to you. I will also teach you some additional detection charms. I want you to use them on everything you receive by mail, even if it's a letter from your godfather or an owl order that you were expecting," he said.
"I will," she said.
He pocketed the parchment and they left the room together.
Rachel walked around the staff table and returned to her spot at the Slytherin table, finding Theo and Millie both looking mildly alarmed and the other seventh years looking worried.
"What was that?" Draco asked.
"I received mail I wasn't supposed to get. I took it to Professor Snape to make sure it wasn't contaminated or cursed," she explained, giving up on the rest of her breakfast. Her stomach was too uneasy to eat right now.
"Was it?" Daphne asked, her eyes wide.
"No, everything is fine," she said.
"That's good, right?" Pansy asked.
Rachel nodded. "Yeah, it's fine."
Millie and Theo didn't look particularly convinced, but they let the subject drop.
Rachel tried to redirect her thoughts. She needed to be concentrating on classes and homework and NEWT reviews, not wondering what the Dark Lord had seen fit to send her. And she only had to wait until dinner, then she'd know for certain and they could figure out what to do about it. If anything could be done at all.
She stepped into Severus' quarters just before six o'clock, her mind busily trying to guess what was going to happen. Trying to stay focused all day had been difficult, but she'd made it through classes, homework, and a NEWT study session.
Severus was sitting in his armchair, marking homework, though he looked up when she entered the room. "Dinner first or dealing with the supposed evidence?" he asked.
"Evidence first. I think I'll feel less anxious about it when I know what it is and that we have a plan to deal with it," she said, going over to the sofa to sit down. "Have you already looked at it?"
"I haven't, I wanted to wait for you so we could go through it together. You're old enough to be allowed to have input in this, especially while you are the one communicating with the Dark Lord," he said, collecting the packet of parchment and coming to sit next to her on the sofa.
She nodded. She was definitely old enough to be involved.
He set the packet on the sofa between them and turned over the note from the Dark Lord. "See the date, November third, 1981. This would be the first emergency Wizengamot session that took place after the fall of the Dark Lord. They had to gather the Wizengamot first and convince them that it was safe to come."
"They had the same problem that we're having now?"
"Worse. After the Ministry fell, most of the Wizengamot refused to meet. They had gone into hiding because they would have been killed if they'd shown up," he explained.
"Could that happen again?" she asked.
"Possibly. Those who are aligned with the Dark Lord will keep meeting and if some people refuse to show up over a period of six months that will be considered an abandonment of their seat. If they fall below forty five members, then that will automatically trigger an election, which will lead to the Dark Lord gaining control of the Wizengamot and then the Ministry after a vote of no confidence for Scrimgeour."
Rachel nodded and looked down at the transcript and began reading. She reached the bottom of the page and glanced at Severus. "How fast do you read?"
"I can keep up with you, just turn the page when you're ready," he said.
She turned the page and continued reading. They dealt with the rumors of the Dark Lord's demise first and it was said that while the investigation was still ongoing, it was thought that the Killing Curse reflected off of Rachel and hit the Dark Lord, for reasons nobody yet knew. Then came the crux of the matter. Professor Dumbledore had given Rachel to her muggle relatives. It seemed no one was happy about this.
The questioning went back and forth, with more and more Wizengamot members lodging protests for a number of reasons. Rachel's safety was brought up repeatedly, as was the idea that her muggle relations would be unfit to raise a magical child, and a number of people, including Lucius Malfoy, offered their homes as better alternatives. Professor Dumbledore pointed out that the Death Eaters were still attacking people and that Rachel needed an absolutely secure home in an environment the Death Eaters would never find. He told them that he had placed family wards that were the best protection the magical world had to offer and that he could guarantee that the Death Eaters would never reach her there.
"Family wards, not blood wards?" Rachel asked, since the term she'd always heard was blood wards.
"People were particularly hypervigilant about the dark arts at the moment and mentioning blood magic would have immediately been associated with the dark arts," Severus explained.
Rachel thought that was a little silly, but she always had thought some of the associations with the dark arts, such as blood and snakes, were silly. Blood and snakes could be used for good things and bad things, just like pretty much everything else. She kept reading, watching as Professor Dumbledore slowly swayed the Wizengamot and it was decided the most urgent matter was Rachel's safety and a guarantee from Professor Dumbledore was clearly considered absolute truth. It was also decided that the matter would be revisited once the Death Eater threat was contained, and from there it moved onto reports from the MLE about the current situation and that was the last of the transcript.
"I assume it was never revisited?" she asked.
"Not to my knowledge. I suspect that by the time they had finished capturing Death Eaters and holding trials that it rather slipped their minds without anything prompting them."
"You think Professor Dumbledore forgot?" she asked skeptically.
"No, I don't think he forgot, I think he didn't want the issue raised again because he was worried that you would wind up being placed with someone like the Malfoys or the Baddocks," he said, glancing at her. "What do you think about what we just read?"
Rachel shrugged. "I don't think this is the evidence that the Dark Lord thinks it is. We basically already knew this. We knew why Professor Dumbledore placed me with my relatives. In terms of keeping me safe from Death Eaters, it was very effective. And there's also a lot of very obvious anti-muggle prejudice here. They didn't know my relatives. They just assumed it would be bad because they were muggles."
"That's true. Shall we read the rest and then make a decision as to what we want to have you say to the Dark Lord?"
"Yes," she said, looking back down at the pile of parchment.
Next there were letters from a number of people, protesting her placement with her relatives and offering their homes. There was one from Alice Longbottom, reminding Professor Dumbledore that she was Rachel's godmother and that Lily and James had wanted the Longbottoms to raise Rachel under these circumstances. She also wrote that she knew how Lily had felt about Petunia, how Petunia hadn't come to Lily's wedding, how Petunia resented Lily's magic and she was afraid Petunia would resent Rachel's as well.
The next letter was from Amelia Bones, the head of the MLE, offering to take Rachel herself with the assurances that she'd be raised in the most secure environment possible while being given the skills she needed to protect herself. Madam Bones was worried that sending Rachel to live with her relatives would leave her unprepared to deal with the magical world and her place in it when she began Hogwarts and that it was in Rachel's best interests to be prepared and to have a safe and secure childhood.
Both of them were right. Aunt Petunia had resented Rachel, for a lot of reasons, it seemed. And Rachel had been completely unprepared for the magical world at all, let alone being the Girl-Who-Lived. "Do you think Professor Dumbledore made the right decision?"
Severus sighed. "Obviously he didn't. I can promise he did not foresee things turning out the way they did. Albus is not perfect and sometimes he makes mistakes, even grievous mistakes. I think he felt that the safest place for you was behind the blood wards. His primary concern was keeping you alive and out of the hands of Death Eaters."
"Which worked. I'm alive and there was nothing in my childhood that suggested Death Eaters near me," she pointed out.
"Even so, Albus should have checked on you and he didn't. I don't believe he was intentionally trying to harm you, but he should have checked on you." Severus' lips pressed into a thin line. "What are your feelings on the subject?"
"I don't think I really have feelings on the subject. I wish Professor Dumbledore had checked on me, but he didn't. That's just kind of the way it is." She shrugged again. "I don't see how me being upset with Professor Dumbledore helps anything."
"It doesn't have to help anything. You feel however you feel about it. It's okay if you are upset with him."
Rachel sat for a moment and tried to sort out her feelings. While she would have liked to not have to live with her relatives, and she knew she still had issues from her time living with them, the past was the past. There was nothing to be done about it. "I'm not upset with him. My relatives were the ones who hurt me, not Professor Dumbledore. He didn't know. I think even with these letters, he believed that I would be alright."
"I think he believed that as well. I don't think he can fathom the idea of someone raising a child and not loving them," Severus said.
"What do you think I should say to the Dark Lord?" she asked, uncertain what she was supposed to do with all of this.
Severus rested his hand on his chin. "I think we should start planting the seed that you are open to the idea of hearing more things against Albus. You can tell him you didn't know that so many people were against you being given to your relatives. That you would have liked to be raised by the Longbottoms or the Bones family and you don't understand why Albus wouldn't consider them safe options. Allow him to try to persuade you that Albus did that to prevent you from becoming powerful, but don't fully agree with him. Ask him why he would do that. Try to show that you were naively trusting Albus because he was the only option."
Rachel nodded and hoped that she could keep all of that in mind. "What should I say about me asking you about Professor Dumbledore?"
"Tell him that we looked through what he sent you together and that I was angry. Tell him that I have said in the past that I trust Albus with certain things but not others. Tell him that I am overprotective of you, even when it comes to Albus."
The weird thing was, Rachel thought most of that was true. "Are you angry?"
"Yes. I hadn't realized the resistance to Albus sending you to your relatives was so great. He had a number of opportunities to make another decision. He has never explained why to me that he didn't check on you, other than simply saying that he believed they would come to care about you. It's not enough. And I am angry with myself as well. I'm afraid I didn't give too much thought to you after the war. I was first absorbed in my own grief over Lily's death. And I was placed on trial shortly after the war ended and was revealed as a spy by Albus in order to clear my name. Even with him doing that there was a chance I could have ended up in Azkaban. After that I was mostly focused here in the school. When I thought of Lily, I rarely wondered what had become of her daughter," Severus said, looking uncomfortable.
"It's okay. You didn't know me. You didn't have any reason to think something was wrong," she assured him. "And pretty much as soon as I got to Hogwarts you were trying to help me, even if it was by giving me detentions."
"I am sorry about that. I simply did not know how else to proceed. Once it became clear that you truly couldn't speak, I stopped and asked the other professors not to take points or assign detentions because you wouldn't speak," he said.
"It's okay," she said again. "You did more for me than anyone else did."
Severus sighed. "I am sorry."
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about," she assured him. "I assume you're going to show all of this to Professor Dumbledore?"
"Yes, he needs to know what the Dark Lord is trying to do. Do you want me to ask him not to question you about it?" he asked.
"No, he can ask me about it, but he already knows how I feel about it. It's okay." It wasn't a conversation she particularly wanted to have, but she could deal with it.
"Are you ready for dinner?"
"Yes, that's fine. I've still got a NEWT study session to do tonight," she said, restacking the parchment in the order it had come in.
"Please try not to over study. I don't wish for you to place unnecessary pressure on yourself," he said as he stood.
"We're not, we're at about the right amount. We're just busy." Rachel stood as well and stretched. That hadn't been as bad as she'd been expecting. Now she just had to prepare herself to speak with the Dark Lord.
Rachel woke and put her hand over her mouth. She didn't know if she was going to scream or cry or something else entirely. She was almost willing to put that wall back in her mind just to stop these nightmares, even if it would endanger her life.
She couldn't stay here. She quickly pulled her bed curtains back and grabbed her wand and her glasses and left the dorm. Even the hallway felt uncomfortably crowded. She made it into the common room and put her glasses on and looked around. There was no one here, thankfully. She assumed everyone else in Slytherin House was asleep right now.
Shivering she walked over to the fireplace and sat on the edge of the sofa that was closest to the fire. She'd been expecting to have a conversation with the Dark Lord tonight, not for her mind to dredge that shit up.
Why was it that the worst of her dreams were always about the hotel that her uncle had taken her to? The dreams about being tortured by Death Eaters while the Dark Lord watched were upsetting, but usually after looking around and assuring herself there were no Death Eaters there, she was alright. The dreams about being hunted through the school with the sound of spell fire following her were scary, but she was okay when she woke up. The dreams about being shut in her cupboard made her feel claustrophobic, but she was alright after she opened the bed curtains and reached her hands out to prove to herself how much space she had.
The dreams about the hotel were different. Even in the dream she felt somewhat floaty and detached. The faces of the men were almost interchangeable. There were only a few she'd seen often enough for their features to stand out to her. In the dream she was in pain and then she'd notice someone watching her. That hadn't happened in real life. Tonight it had been the Dark Lord, standing and observing thoughtfully, his red eyes focused on her. 'You can make this stop' he had told her.
She hadn't been able to make it stop. Not in real life and not in the dream.
Now that she knew she could do it, and she even knew how to do it, she was very tempted to just push those memories behind a wall. She even knew how to do maintenance on the wall so it wouldn't crack like the other one had. She could just go in there everyday and reinforce it. She knew it was the wrong thing to do, but she was still tempted.
Torey wanted her to talk about these things or write them down; she thought it would help with the nightmares. Rachel had tried but she was stuck. What was she supposed to say? That it was bad? That she hadn't understood how bad it was until she came to Hogwarts and was told that people shouldn't do that to kids?
The thing was, when she was younger, it just hadn't stood out to her. It hurt, but a lot of things in her life had hurt. She didn't have any friends to talk to in order to compare experiences. In general her classmates had shunned her. No one had ever talked to her about sex, everything she knew about it had come from the hotel. How was she supposed to know what they were doing was wrong? And even if she had known, there hadn't been anything she could do about it. Who was she supposed to have told? Who would have even believed her?
It didn't bear thinking about what would have happened to her if she hadn't come to Hogwarts. She would have gotten pregnant eventually and probably thrown out of the Dursley's house. No, even with her looming death facing the Dark Lord, she'd much rather things turned out the way they had. She'd take death helping to save the magical world over being a homeless and pregnant muggle teenager any day. She remembered the Dark Lord's mother at that thought, who had died in similar circumstances. Merope had done some terrible things, but if anything her childhood had been worse than Rachel's. At least Rachel had been allowed to go to school. It wasn't an excuse, or a justification, it was just one step in the long line of miserable and hurt people who had brought them to this point.
"Rachel?"
She jolted and cast a Shield charm. "Pansy?" she asked, lowering her wand.
Pansy took a few steps forward. "Rachel? Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Did I wake you?" she asked, knowing that Pansy was a light sleeper.
"Only a bit," Pansy said, taking a seat across from Rachel. "I heard you leave, but you didn't go in your wardrobe first, which you always do if you're going to see Professor Snape. So I thought you were going to the bathroom, but then you didn't come back, so I got up to see what happened, just in case."
"Thanks, no. I'm fine. I just needed some air," she said. "Have you considered having Professor Snape recharm the curtains around your bed so we don't wake you? Or maybe some sort of mild sleeping potion so that you can sleep through the night?"
Pansy shook her head. "I really prefer to hear what's going on around me. And I don't like to take sleeping potions because my mother used to give them to me when I was little and wouldn't sleep."
Rachel frowned, suddenly more worried than she had been a moment ago. "But…doesn't it say that sleeping potions aren't supposed to be given to kids under the age of ten? I mean, most of them, right?"
"You're not supposed to. I think my mom wanted me to go to sleep so that she could sleep and she was past the point of caring about that. She'd give me half doses so that it wasn't too bad, but even that left me sleeping for twelve hours straight." Pansy paused for a long moment. "You don't take sleeping potions either, even though you're waking up every night from nightmares. Is it like that for you too?"
"I…" Rachel hesitated, not sure if she could even say it. "The place where my uncle was taking me. They used to drug me so I wouldn't cause problems. The feeling of sleeping potions reminds me of that. I don't like to take them."
Pansy looked away. "I'm sorry. That's awful."
"I made a potion, a sleeping potion, that doesn't force you to fall asleep, but it helps you stay asleep and you don't remember what you dream. We're not supposed to brew in the dorms, but Severus knows the recipe and would be willing to brew it if it's something you want to try," Rachel offered.
"A sleeping potion that doesn't make you go to sleep. I don't think anyone would think of that if they didn't have a problem with sleeping potions. It's not something I'd want to take regularly, but it might help on the particularly bad nights. I might be willing to try that. Have you been taking it?"
"No."
"Why not? I mean, didn't you invent it for that purpose?" Pansy asked.
"Well, we just barely received the testing results a week ago. And I guess I just don't want a potion to solve my problems for me," she said.
"I don't see how it's solving your problems for you. You can't take it every night, can you?"
"No, it's still a twice a week potion." There was no way around that while using the sopophorous bean juice. If she wanted to change that she needed a replacement for the effects of the bean juice entirely and that was a difficult challenge.
"Then how is getting two nights of good sleep a week using a potion to solve your problems?" Pansy asked.
"I don't want to let my past define me," she said, trying to find the right answer.
"Does using a charmed quill let your past define you? You can't write very well using a regular quill because of your tremors. So you're using something that helps you do what you need to do. You have nightmares because terrible things have happened to you. How does using something to help you get a decent night's sleep any different than using the charmed quill?" Pansy pressed.
Rachel bit the insides of her lips as she attempted to sort it out. "I guess I feel like I shouldn't be having these nightmares, that I should be over things by now. The tremors no one can do anything about. My hands just do this and they will for the rest of my life. I can't change that."
Pansy shook her head slightly. "I don't think there is a time limit on recovering from horrible things happening to you. Maybe one day you won't have nightmares, but you are having them now. Why suffer when you don't have to?"
She straightened slightly, because that was a new thought. If she was dying in less than a year, then what was the point of suffering if she didn't have to? She wasn't going to suddenly get better or resolve her childhood issues or stop having nightmares in that amount of time. If she could get two uninterrupted nights of sleep a week, that actually might help her be better prepared to deal with the Dark Lord. "You're right. Thanks. I hadn't really thought of it that way."
"Are you okay overall?" Pansy asked.
"For the most part, yes. How about you?" Rachel asked.
"Worried, mostly. I think that's about the only thing I can feel these days," Pansy said.
Rachel could definitely empathize with that. "There's a lot to be worried about right now. I think we need to keep our guard up and be careful, but we're protected from a lot of the war in here."
Pansy's head bowed. "I know. I just wish things hadn't happened this way."
"Me too," she said, knowing that Pansy could mean a lot of things about the war and Rachel could agree with pretty much all of them. "How are things with Draco?"
"Good. That's just about the only thing that is better. I like not having to hide our relationship. I'm not sure we were doing all that good of a job hiding it in the first place. My parents never said anything about it, so I suppose we did good enough. I know Draco is worried too. He won't talk about his parents, but I know he's thinking about them a lot. I've thought about writing my parents, but I'm not sure what to say to them yet."
"Have you tried writing a few practice letters and see what happens? Sometimes when I sit down to write a letter, I write things I didn't expect to. I don't always send the letters, but it helps me at least prepare to try again," Rachel suggested.
"I suppose I could try that. It's like you said, I don't have to send the letter," Pansy said. "Did you want someone to sit out here with you?"
"No, I think I can go back to bed now," Rachel said. She was cold and she didn't want to keep Pansy up. "Thanks for checking on me."
"Of course. You're my friend. And I don't think there is anyone who isn't aware of how much danger you are in, even in Hogwarts," Pansy said.
Rachel nodded. "Less danger in Hogwarts than last year, I think. At least, so far, this year no one is openly threatening us."
"That's true. And we'll all keep our eyes open." Pansy yawned. "I think you're right, let's go back to bed. We've got to be up for breakfast in four hours."
On the bright side, Rachel thought she could go back to sleep now. And if not, she was content to meditate until it was time to get out of bed.
"What are your plans for today?" Severus asked Rachel once they had flooed back from her morning appointment with Torey.
"NEWT review sessions, visiting Hagrid, I need to stop by the hospital wing for my check up with Madam Pomfrey, and then I have a lesson with Professor Dumbledore tonight," Rachel listed, looking a little weary.
He was glad she recalled that she needed to see Poppy this weekend. "Try not to overdo it. Take breaks. You don't need to study every moment of every day."
"I know, and we have breaks built into our schedule. I'll be alright. I'm meeting Millie and Theo in the common room and I should be with them until I go to my lesson with Professor Dumbledore. He knows that I need an escort back to the common room. Did you know that our common room doesn't automatically open for him the way it opens for you?"
"I did not know that. Albus can, of course, get into our common room, there is no place in the castle that would refuse the Headmaster, but in general he does not visit the common rooms," he said, though it was interesting that Curbin didn't automatically open the common room for Albus.
Rachel shrugged. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow night for dinner."
"I'll see you then. Keep me updated if there's anything strange happening," he said, though he expected she knew that by now.
"I will," she said, leaving his quarters through the permeable wall.
Severus waited until he heard his office door close and then turned back to the fireplace. "Headmaster's office," he said after throwing in a handful of floo powder. "Albus, do you have a moment?"
"Yes, come through Severus," Albus called back.
Severus collected the packet of parchment the Dark Lord had sent and entered the fireplace, stepping out in Albus' office a moment later.
Albus was at his desk, parchment spread out in front of him and a small frown on his face as he focused, his quill moving rapidly.
Severus waited by the fireplace, not wanting to interrupt whatever he was concentrating on. He knew Albus held a great deal of responsibility. He was the Headmaster of Hogwarts, the leader of the Order, and a powerful influence in the Wizengamot and the ICW, even with the loss of the titles of Chief Warlock and Supreme Mugwump. A great number of his duties here at Hogwarts fell to Minerva as Deputy Headmistress, because there simply wasn't time for Albus to be everywhere at once.
Ideally they would have a Headmaster who could have all of his attention here at Hogwarts, but the protection that Albus offered them simply by being in the school outweighed the drawbacks. The Dark Lord would put off coming here until either Albus was dealt with or he felt confident that he could defeat Albus. Severus would settle for them making it through the school year. He wasn't at all sure the situation would even allow them to bring students to Hogwarts in the following year, but that would have to be a decision they made in the summer based on what the Ministry looked like.
Albus finally looked up from his work, his face looking more lined than usual. "Severus, please excuse me, I needed to finish that thought. The Wizengamot has agreed to ask for support from the ICW."
"Will the ICW consider the Dark Lord enough of a threat to Europe to provide support?" Severus asked, moving to take a seat in front of Albus' desk.
"No, not yet. They'll wait until there is Death Eater activity on the continent. But putting in the request now and having it discussed will bring it to the forefront of their minds and make it easier for us to repeat the request later and for countries to be more willing to accept refugees. It's also the first step in preparing to set up a government in exile," Albus explained.
Severus nodded once. The war was moving quickly if they were making these steps. "How much time do we have?"
"Difficult to say. Nathan Wright has disappeared along with his family. We suspect he's fled, though it was also possible it was the work of Death Eaters. The alerts on his wards did not go off. Auroris Clark fled with her family, we are relatively certain they escaped Britain. That puts the sitting Wizengamot at fifty five members. I'm working with the remaining Wizengamot members who will vote with us, urging them to stay while offering them more and more protection."
The loss of four Wizengamot members in the space of three months was a disturbing trend. The Malfoy seat had been vacant since Lucius and Narcissa had gone into hiding a little over a year ago. Draco would take that seat come August, when Rachel took the Snow seat. He wondered how that was going to work, having them both in an open space in the Ministry. If that wouldn't draw the Dark Lord, he wasn't sure what would. "What is the plan if the Dark Lord takes the Ministry during this school year?"
"Have the Order assist with the evacuation of the Ministry, rescue Rufus and Amelia and send them to set up a government in exile, and coordinate with the surviving aurors, hit wizards, and MLE patrol to help evacuate those who are in danger. Hogwarts will remain in session until we are certain that Voldemort and the Death Eaters are coming here. Right now this is still the safest place for the children," Albus said, his expression almost emotionless.
Severus nodded. The students were safer here than they were with their families. "The Dark Lord has sent Rachel mail, what he considers to be evidence against you. We need to check the spells redirecting her mail and see how it got to her."
Albus sat up straighter and then drew his wand. "A moment." He stood and made his way over to the metal structure that represented Hogwarts' wards. After silently working over that for a few minutes he shook his head. "Pipsy?"
A House Elf appeared. "Yes Master Dumbledore sirs. How may Pipsy help?"
"Miss Rachel Snow received mail in the Great Hall that she wasn't supposed to receive. I'd like a list of what she's received and from whom thus far this year."
"Right away, sirs," Pipsy said, disappearing with a pop.
Albus made his way back to his desk. "The wards weren't breached. The mail redirection spell is intact and all the parameters are still set. I have a theory, but the mail logs should be able to confirm it."
Severus thought quickly, going over the possibilities. "The Dark Lord had a student send it."
"That would be my assumption as well. I will readjust the spell so that it excludes students who are not here at Hogwarts," Albus said. "You said he sent her the evidence she requested."
"A transcript of the Wizengamot session where you defended your decision to send her to her relatives and letters from various people protesting your decision and offering their homes to Rachel," he summarized, handing over the packet.
Albus looked through the first few pages before setting it aside. "I have many regrets, Severus. I have made many mistakes in my life. The worst of those are when someone in my care was hurt due to my negligence."
Severus inclined his head and tried not to let twenty year old anger and blame rise up. He remembered being sixteen years old, freshly escaped from nearly being attacked by a werewolf, and being told that Black would receive three months of detention and a revocation of all privileges and a severe reprimand. And that was it. A number of things had set him on the path toward the Death Eaters, but that final blow had separated him from any notions that anyone but the Death Eaters would help him. The only people he could trust were those who had proven themselves to him. And even there, trust was limited.
He knew his past circumstances didn't excuse the things he'd done. In the end, he'd made those decisions. He had killed innocents rather than be killed himself. He had tortured people. There were some things there was no coming back from. He had spent years at war with himself, blaming his father, Albus, Slughorn, the Marauders, and the Death Eaters themselves, but also knowing deep down that he carried the blame for what he'd done.
"What was Rachel's response? I assume she's seen this?" Albus finally asked.
"She does not blame you. She understands that you wished to keep her safe from Death Eaters. She wishes that you had checked on her, but also understands that the past cannot be changed," Severus said, refocusing on Albus.
Albus closed his eyes and exhaled. "If I could change that decision, I would in a heartbeat. I had believed Rachel would be safe with her relatives, and I was so self assured in that decision that I ignored what people were telling me and assumed that Arabella would tell me if there was something wrong. I believed that the reticence to Rachel staying with her relatives was born of anti-muggle prejudice."
"Some of it clearly was," Severus allowed. Albus still should have checked on her himself.
"How is Rachel?" Albus asked again.
"She is over studying and over committing herself, though that is not unusual for her. I believe she does so in order to not have time to contemplate the war and the Dark Lord. If she can keep her mind busy, she does not have to think about the things that have happened to her or the things she sees in her visions," Severus said.
"Her Mind Healer is still helping her?"
"Yes. Her Mind Healer tells me that Rachel is managing as well as possible under the circumstances and that they are working on things. Her Mind Healer, Poppy, and I are all watching Rachel closely for signs of relapse."
"Good. Please let me know if the situation changes or if there are new developments. I assume you made a plan with Rachel as to what to say about the evidence in her next communication?" Albus asked.
"We are going to have Rachel indicate she didn't know these things and that she feels a little uneasy about you, but that she's not convinced you are against her. She will also tell him that my trust in you is limited. We're trying to take this as slow as possible while still being believable. Eventually she will have to say no to him, but the longer we can delay that, the better," he explained.
"Let's continue with this strategy for now then. It makes more sense for Voldemort to attempt to split me from Rachel than you from her." Albus sat silently for a long moment.
Severus was just about to excuse himself and leave when the House Elf reappeared.
"Master Dumbledore sir, there was only one letter to Miss Rachel this year," Pipsy said, offering him a piece of parchment.
Albus adjusted his glasses to read it. "A letter, listed as untraceable, arrived for Rachel on Thursday night. It was checked by the House Elves for any signs of curses or poisons, and then delivered to her by school owl on Friday morning."
"Untraceable," Severus repeated, trying to figure out how that could have been done. House Elves were incredibly good at detecting residual magic. They should have been able to tell who wrote the address on the front of the letter.
"I think the simplest solution is that anything marked as being untraceable should be delivered to me after it is checked for curses and poisons," Albus said. "Pipsy, please let the House Elves in charge of the mail know that."
"Yes sirs, does Master need anything else?"
"No, thank you," Albus said, Pipsy disappearing again. "Please let me know if something else reaches Rachel that shouldn't."
"I will," Severus said as he stood.
"Things are quiet in your House?" Albus asked.
"For the time being," Severus said. The only good thing about this whole mess was that his House was now back to being manageable. "I'll leave you to your work."
"Thank you," Albus said, returning his focus to the documents in front of him.
Severus flooed back to his quarters and mentally organized what he was going to do for the rest of the day. He had homework that needed grading, three prefect meetings, and a meeting with Curbin to discuss the latest intelligence on the House. At the very least the day would go by quickly, but all days lately had seemed to do so.
"How are all your classes coming?" Hagrid asked.
"Well, we're very busy," Hermione began.
"That's for certain," Theo said.
"NEWT classes are hard," Ginny said. "Well. Okay. Most of them aren't. But Arithmancy and Potions are hard. I'm thinking of dropping Arithmancy."
Millie nodded, looking a little grim.
"My classes are alright, but I didn't take the Arithmancy elective," Luna said, stirring her tea.
"Ah, well, almost every Hogwarts student that comes through here takes their NEWT exams and they all manage. I know you will too. You're all at the head of your class. You'll do well," Hagrid said easily.
"Hagrid? What's it really like being in the Order?" Millie asked.
Rachel looked up from her teacup, curious as to what Hagrid would say.
Hagrid sat quietly for a long moment. "It really depends on what you're doing for the Order. Things look different based on what your assignment is. Mostly, for me, it's being given missions and taking care of some things, but my real job is protecting you kids here at Hogwarts. It's part of my job to evacuate the castle and help everyone get to safety if the war comes here."
"Where are we supposed to go that's safe if the castle is evacuated?" Ginny asked.
"Can't tell you that, sorry. Top secret. The Heads of Houses will tell you where to go if we evacuate, but I don't think we're anywhere near that point yet. Just know we've got it taken care of and try not to worry about it," he said, obviously trying to sound reassuring.
Rachel thought she'd better speak to Severus about that. She couldn't go where the rest of the students were going if they evacuated, she'd just lead the Dark Lord there. She was almost positive he could use their connection to find her, though she didn't have any evidence to support that other than the persistent feeling that it was true. That was a somewhat new feeling and she didn't like it at all.
"I hear you lot are training with Kingsley and Tonks. How is that going?" Hagrid asked.
"We're not as good as I'd hoped we'd be," Hermione admitted.
Theo nodded. "We made some assumptions with our DA training that didn't exactly turn out to be correct. We're fixing things so that we're not accidentally training people to do the wrong thing."
"Kingsley and Tonks are so quick. I feel like I can barely get my wand up in time," Neville said, looking more than a little unhappy.
"Kingsley and Tonks are good people who've had years of training and experience. They're aurors, they're the best of the best at this sort of thing. It's okay if you're struggling to keep up with them. Even the Order doesn't train on the level of the aurors," Hagrid said.
"It's a good thing we're doing it now, then. I think we're going to need it," Ginny said, looking just as unhappy as Neville.
"You're all planning to join then?"
They all nodded, expressions a mixture of solemn and worried.
"While I'm not entirely sure how I feel about fighting in a war, I can't see any other choice. I'm not going to flee the country. Someone has to stand up to them," Hermione said, nodding slightly.
"I want to fight. I want to help," Neville said. "It's what my parents did and I know that this is what they'd want me to do too."
"I don't think anyone's parents want to see their children fight in a war, Neville. But they'd be proud of you, I know they would," Hagrid said, his huge hand clasping Neville's shoulder.
"I want to fight too." Ginny thrust out her chin. "I want to make them stop. I want to make them pay."
Theo nodded. "I do too. I feel like we need to take the fight to them."
"I don't want to fight. But I do want to protect my friends and family, so that's what I'll do," Luna added.
"I know what my role in the war is. I can't be on the front lines, but I know what to do," Rachel said, knowing that her friends would understand.
Hagrid looked very serious as he looked at her. "It's good that you know that right now. You'd draw You-Know-Who to any fight you were part of and we can't have that. They can communicate with him, you know, the Death Eaters can." He shook his head. "I believed Dumbledore when he said You-Know-Who wasn't gone. I just never thought it would come to this so fast. The last time, the war built and built. It wasn't until the last few years that everything fell apart."
Rachel thought of all the things she knew; how precarious the position of the Ministry and the Wizengamot was, that the Dark Lord was basically picking out people to kill whenever he felt like it, that the war couldn't last even another three years before they'd be forced out of the country and the Dark Lord would rule magical Britain. No matter how the Daily Prophet tried to conceal it, they were losing and, in the grand scheme of things, it was happening fast.
The truth was, by the time Ginny and Luna had finished at Hogwarts, if the war wasn't over, by that point the Order was going to be reduced to rescue operations and evacuating anyone who was willing to leave Britain. Rachel had to make sure it was over before it reached that point. She had a lesson with Professor Dumbledore tonight and she needed her focus to be there because they were relying on her to find that stupid cup horcrux.
"Rachel, you ready?" Millie asked.
Rachel realized that she'd been so deep in her thoughts that she'd just about missed the last part of that conversation. "Yeah. We'll see you next week, Hagrid. You're doing alright?" she asked as she eased Fang's head off of her lap.
"Don't worry none about me. Watch yourself," Hagrid said, meeting her eyes.
"I will," she promised, reminding herself that she needed to make more time for Hagrid if she could. "We'll be back next weekend."
"I know you will. Take care of yourselves," he said, smiling at her, even though she could see that he was worried.
The study group started across the grounds and Rachel tilted her head back and looked at the sky. It was a nice day and the end of summer was still stretching out before them. She was not looking forward to the winter. Sometimes the weight of the clouds just seemed to press down on her, especially when they lasted for days at a time.
"Arithmancy review next, then Transfiguration review, then Charms review, and that should wrap us up for the day," Hermione said.
"Does reviewing this early really help us for our exams?" Millie asked. "Won't we forget all this by the time we go to take them?"
"We're just refreshing last year's material, nothing to worry about," Theo reminded her.
"I don't think my brain is big enough to hold all of this stuff." Millie was frowning. "I'm not sure I'm smart enough for this."
"You are. I know you are because I am. And I know I am because of my exam grades. The professors wouldn't be giving us Outstandings if we weren't doing well. We're doing better than most of the Ravenclaws," Neville pointed out. "No offense intended to Ravenclaws, Luna, but they're generally the ones known for doing well in exams."
"No offense taken, but it's not a very true stereotype. There are all sorts of Ravenclaws. Most of us are passionate about something, but for many people it's not about exams," Luna said. "And Neville is right, Millie. You are plenty smart, but being smart isn't the only worthwhile thing to be."
"Is there a particular thing you're worried about, Millie?" Ginny asked. "I mean, relating to school. There's a lot of things to worry about."
Millie looked sad as they walked. "I just don't want to mess this up and I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things."
"Maybe look at it this way. The way we studied for our OWLs mostly worked. We had a study plan, and a guide, and we did a bunch of small reviews at the end. And we did very well on our OWLs. Why wouldn't it work the same for our NEWTs?" Hermione asked.
"If Severus thought we should be doing something differently, he would have told me," Rachel added as they started up the steps into the castle.
"I suppose you're right," Millie said.
"One thing that helped me was breaking it into smaller pieces. Maybe that would work for you too," Neville suggested.
"Maybe," Millie allowed. "I'll try just about anything. I can't believe it's only been two weeks."
Rachel heartily agreed with that. She had stray thoughts about dropping a class, but she didn't see what good it would do her. An extra three hours of her week not spent in studying wasn't going to help her in any meaningful way. She had to stay focused.
"Well, we got through our OWL year, and this isn't as bad as that was," Theo said.
"That's very true. I'm not going to say that it couldn't get worse, because I don't want to jinx us, but still," Millie said.
They made their way up the staircase to the first floor and Rachel paused. "I've got to go to the hospital wing for a check up. It's one of my conditions for being allowed to eat in the Great Hall this year."
"I can walk with you, if you want someone to walk with," Luna offered.
"That's fine. We'll meet you in our room in less than half an hour," Rachel said, hoping it would be much faster than that.
"I hope it goes well," Hermione said.
"We'll be sending Patronus messages if we don't see you in thirty minutes," Theo said.
Rachel nodded. "You'll definitely hear from us by then. You know what to do if you don't."
They'd taken to setting times for various things, such as Rachel or Ginny walking back from Quidditch practice or any of them arriving at the study room after classes or the various small trips they took to the library. The response was always the same: send a Patronus to the missing person, and if they don't respond in a few minutes, send a Patronus to Severus. So far they hadn't had to use their system, but Rachel was glad to have it in place. She was very aware that her friends might be targeted because of her and she wanted to make sure everyone was as safe as possible. Draco sort of came and went on his own. He joined them for most of their homework sessions but almost none of their NEWT reviews.
"You've been quiet today. Are you just having a quiet day?" Luna asked as they walked.
"I guess so. There's a lot to think about," Rachel said, though she hadn't realized she was being quiet.
"There is. Sometimes I find that I'm a bit involved in what's going on in my mind and I forget to pay attention."
"Me too," Rachel said, grateful that she wasn't the only one who did that.
"You seem different this year, compared to most of last year. Do you feel different?" Luna asked.
Rachel considered that. "I suppose I do. I feel a bit more present, I guess. Some of last year is a little foggy for me. Are you doing alright?"
Luna tilted her head, her expression thoughtful. "Overall, I am. I worry some about what will happen. The Muahorns worry too. They were quite upset that so many people didn't come back."
"Did they say why that upset them?" Rachel asked.
"I think the Muahorns are worried because I'm worried. Even though it doesn't feel that way, not exactly, but I think that's how it works. Does that sound right to you?" she asked.
"It sounds like a reasonable possibility, at least." Rachel didn't know how that worked, but it made sense to her that what Luna saw and heard must be relying on the things that Luna knew, even if she didn't realize that she knew them.
Luna nodded. "I hope they're all okay and that they're safe."
"I hope that too," Rachel said, knowing Luna meant the missing students.
They found the hospital wing empty, but Madam Pomfrey stepped out of her office before they could call for her. Rachel assumed she had some sort of alert charm set to let her know when students entered the hospital wing.
"Here for your check up, Miss Snow?" Madam Pomfrey asked.
"Yes, ma'am," Rachel said.
"Did you need anything, Miss Lovegood?"
"No, ma'am. We don't like to let Rachel go through the halls on her own. We're quite protective of our friends," Luna said.
"Unfortunately, after these past few years, I can understand why that's necessary. Come on over here, Rachel, and we'll talk behind a privacy ward," Madam Pomfrey said.
Rachel crossed the hospital wing and shivered as Madam Pomfrey cast a large privacy ward around them.
"On the scale first, if you would. Not with your school bag."
She set down her bag and stepped on the scale. "How does this work? There are no numbers on it or anything."
"I don't know how it works exactly, charms and artifacting, but it's one of a handful of instruments that I can spell parchment to interact with and it will tell me your weight or other things. On the bed and let's take a look," Madam Pomfrey said.
"Why isn't there a spell for telling how much someone weighs? The standard diagnostic charm shows all sorts of things," Rachel asked as she laid down on the bed and braced herself for the feeling of various diagnostic charms.
"I suppose it was too tricky to include it with the standard diagnostic charm and I don't know of a separate spell that measures weight. The standard diagnostic charm has only been standard for the past one hundred years or so. It was actually a charm that came out of the Department of Mysteries," Madam Pomfrey said as she worked.
"Why?" Rachel asked.
"It was probably a very difficult charm to make, it's not a particularly easy charm to learn to cast either, and you have to learn how to interpret what the charm reveals. Are you eating at every meal?"
"Yes, ma'am," she said, though her mind was still on the diagnostic charm. "How did they get it to display different things though? How did they get it to display anything? I don't know of any other charms that work like that."
"I imagine they had quite a number of creative minds working on it. It was a boon for Healers though, to be able to use one spell and be able to see the ways their patient might be in danger. How has your sleep been?"
Rachel fidgeted under the spell that felt like heat moving over her. "Um. Not great."
"In what way?" Madam Pomfrey asked, ending the spell.
"I'm having nightmares a lot. I'm going to ask Severus if I can take the Dreamless Sleep modification potion that I invented twice a week," she said.
"He was bragging about that to us at the staff table. An accepted modification and an alternative formulation before you even have your Potions NEWT. Congratulations," Madam Pomfrey said, smiling at her.
"Thanks," Rachel said, a little flustered at the idea of Severus bragging about her.
"See how you do with the Sleeping potion and we'll go from there. Are you sleeping at least some every night?"
"Yes, I get at least a few hours every night," Rachel said.
"Good, let's go from there and see what we can do. Things are alright with your Mind Healer? You can sit up, dear."
Rachel sat up. "Things are fine with my Mind Healer. I just saw her today."
"She's working with you on the nightmares?"
"Yes, definitely." At the very least, Torey knew that Rachel was having nightmares. They'd just discussed it again.
"Good. I want you to try to eat a little more. Your weight has dropped just a little bit since I've seen you last and I don't want that to be a trend. Try to get a good amount of rest and don't unnecessarily stress yourself. I've told that to Severus and Professor Dumbledore as well, they shouldn't be adding stress to you," Madam Pomfrey said.
"They're not," Rachel promised. "I'm alright?"
"You're fine, just keep working on eating. I'll see you in a month, but if you need me sooner, you know where I am," she said.
"Thank you," Rachel said, getting to her feet and picking up her bag. "I hope you have a good weekend."
"You too, dear," Madam Pomfrey said.
"Everything alright?" Luna asked as they left the hospital wing.
"Yep, just fine," Rachel said. Now they could study until dinner. Then she'd see Professor Dumbledore. Then she would sleep.
Rachel opened her eyes to the dark misty place that was her connection to the Dark Lord. She still wondered why she had a connection place in her mind and the Dark Lord didn't. Or, maybe he did, and he didn't know about it. Or, maybe he did and he was lying to her. Either were reasonable possibilities. She wished she could ask him directly about what the connection could do for him so they could compare notes. He was the only other person in the world with this sort of connection - that they knew of - and she wanted to understand how this worked.
The Dark Lord approached.
She watched him, noting his confident stride and his general lack of concern. His inhuman expression conveyed nothing more than mild interest. Her task was to take control of the questioning and then let the Dark Lord talk. That so far seemed to be the best strategy for not revealing things she couldn't and for not enraging him.
"You received the information I sent you?" he asked, coming to a stop a few steps away. His robes swirled ever so slightly in the mists.
"I did, on Friday morning," she said, remembering how Severus had told her to play this. "I hadn't realized so many people objected to my placement with my relatives."
"How does it feel, knowing that all you suffered could have been averted if Dumbledore had deigned to listen to just one of them?"
The question caught her a little off guard. "I think Professor Dumbledore thought he was keeping me safe from the Death Eaters," she began.
"That doesn't answer the question. Everything you went through as a child can be laid at the feet of one man. How does that feel?" he pressed.
"I blame my relatives far more than I blame Professor Dumbledore. Professor Dumbledore has never laid a hand on me."
"And yet he has set you up to die. The path he has laid out for you has been one of suffering. Has the suffering stopped since you started at Hogwarts? Yes or no."
Rachel pressed her lips together. Many of the bad experiences she'd had at Hogwarts had been directly the result of the Dark Lord's actions, but not all of them. "No," she answered reluctantly.
"What do you think his goal is for you? What is it that he wants you to do?" the Dark Lord asked.
This was not good, she was not at all in control of this conversation. "He wants me to kill you, like the prophecy says," she answered, hoping to divert him with a discussion of the prophecy.
"Do you believe you can kill me? Do you believe Dumbledore believes you can kill me?"
She looked at him and imagined facing him in real life. He was immensely powerful. He had magic she hadn't even heard of. He could do things that everyone believed were impossible. "No." It was both the truth and the answer he was expecting.
"What do you want?" he asked. "Do you want to live?"
"No," she said again, not really thinking about it. She wanted to be done. She wanted to do her prophesied job, be done, and go be with her parents somewhere safe and peaceful where nothing could ever hurt her again.
The Dark Lord stared at her, his red eyes unblinking. "Are you afraid to die?"
"No." Even if dying hurt, it wouldn't hurt for long. She'd been through plenty of worse things than dying.
"Then come to me. I will make your death quick and painless. If you want things to be over, I can do that for you."
Rachel belatedly remembered Severus' warning not to tell the Dark Lord what she wanted. "I can't. I'm not allowed out of the castle. They're watching me all the time. I won't be on my own to do anything until after I finish at Hogwarts. They won't let me leave."
"Perhaps you are more afraid to die than you are willing to admit to yourself. If you truly wanted to die, you would find a way. In reality, you have two options. Are you ready?" he asked.
She nodded, wanting the Dark Lord to talk instead of her.
"The first is that you come and join me. Together we end the war and set magical Britain to rights. You can bring the people you care about with you and they will be safe with us. I will train you, you will become powerful, as you were meant to be, and we will bring about the dawn of a new era for magical Britain and lead the world on the right path."
Rachel nodded again to show that she was listening when he paused.
"The second is that you come to me and I kill you, if that is what you desire. I will take care of magical Britain on my own. These are the only two paths forward." He stopped again and waited.
She didn't know what to tell him. She couldn't agree to either of those plans. She needed to stall for time while they found the horcrux. "I can't decide right now. It's a big decision."
"I'm glad you are giving it the weight it deserves. I know which I would prefer and I will help you to come around to my way of thinking. Just remember that you are the one extending this war. Every day you dither, more people die. I will leave you to think about that." The Dark Lord walked away and disappeared after a dozen or so steps.
Rachel woke with a gasp for air and started shivering. That had not been good.
She sat for a long moment, not bothering to warm her blankets, and tried to figure out what she was going to do. The long term plan was obvious. Eventually she agreed to meet with him, and she brought along Professor Dumbledore in secret so he could kill him after she died. They still needed to deal with the cup and the snake somehow.
So in the meantime, she stalled and wavered and let the war go on while they searched.
Resolved, Rachel found her wand, her two-way book, and her quill. She was going to have to severely edit that conversation. The entire middle section had to go. She went over it in her mind again and decided to simply cut out the part where the Dark Lord asked if she wanted to live, and then jump to where he outlined her choices. It would be a short conversation, but that was alright. It included the details of what Severus and Professor Dumbledore needed to know.
With that written out, Rachel put another warming charm on her blankets, found her stuffed bunny and held her against her chest, and tried to stop herself from thinking about the war going on and on because she couldn't find that stupid cup. She remained awake for several hours, her mind churning.