Author's Note: This is the smut chapter. It took me a million years because I haven't written anything dirty in ages. I think I got all the right parts in the right places but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Everyone filed out of the study. Adara rested her head in her hands for a moment, drawing in a slow, deep breath and letting it out. It would be fine, she told herself. She used to have much more dangerous enemies than this, after all. She felt a deep exhaustion sinking into her very bones nonetheless as she began to realize that it was never going to stop. Was there ever going to be an "after" or would enemies continue coming until her luck ran out? Or until she simply grew too tired to fight anymore?
It hardly seemed worth it.
When she heard the door close, she uncrossed her legs and slid off the desk. Then she stopped short when she realized that Carver Hawke was still standing there. She felt a twist of annoyance: apparently the constant guarding was going to start right now. "You never used to be this terrible at following orders," she said with some irritation.
He rubbed the back of his neck and looked less than confident in his decision. "You just, ah, don't look like being alone is going to help much. Ask me again to go, and I'll go."
"No. Stay," she said, too quickly to have given it much thought. She didn't really want to be alone, but she didn't have it in her to put on a mask of confidence and authority. She somehow did not think that Carver would expect her to, though she did not know where that certainty came from.
They were silent for what felt like a very long time, but it was a comfortable silence. Eventually, he asked: "You okay? From yesterday?"
She held out her hands for him to see, opening and closing her fingers to demonstrate. "Good as new, more or less. Took me ages, though. I should've made sure to keep at least one proper healer here. I forget my limitations sometimes." The handful of mage healers who had been recruited into the Grey Wardens were all currently afield, though she had expected Nathaniel's party to have returned by now.
Carver sat down in one of the chairs across from the desk. Even that scarcely put them at eye level. Maker, he was tall. "Good. That's good." He looked hesitant. "Do you want to talk about this shit?" He gestured broadly to the study around them, and Adara tilted her head in confusion. "The assassins, I mean."
"Oh," she said, looking up at the ceiling again. Hmm. There was a crack that needed to be patched. "The sentiment is nothing new. I've gotten scared or hateful or disgusted looks from folks for as long as I can remember. The king can change laws, but he can't change hearts. I suppose I'll always have a target on my back." It wasn't as though she could stop being an elf or a mage.
"You don't have to," Carver said. She met his eyes with a look of confusion. "I mean… you don't have to be an Arlessa, do you? You could leave. Not that I'm saying you should," he added hastily upon seeing the affronted expression on her face. "Sorry. It's just, my family ran a lot. I hated it, but sometimes it's your only choice. Even when it's a shit one. Not that I'm saying that's your only choice. All I mean is, I like you better alive." He shut his mouth firmly, as if the muddle of words took him by surprise and he didn't want to risk any more falling out.
His fumbling made her forget about being slightly annoyed with him, and she actually smiled. "I think I also prefer being alive to the opposite. I'm glad we agree."
"Maker, I sound like a git sometimes," he muttered.
"No, you don't," she said. "I think you're charming. In a… blunt way."
He looked at her as if she had suddenly sprouted the horns of an ogre. "Gotta say, I haven't heard that one before, because it doesn't make sense. Did you get cracked in the head yesterday too?"
Adara laughed. "No! I thought you were plenty charming and handsome before yesterday." That brought a flush to his pale cheeks, which she pretended not to notice by looking down at her hands. "But as to your question… I don't think running would help. As long as I'm alive, someone will think I'm too great a threat to leave alone. My life has gotten bigger than I am. Somehow." Her life had never belonged to her, not really, but at least it had been normal-sized: she had mostly normal concerns, like what sort of studies she wanted to focus on or who she wanted to bring to bed. Not making decisions that could determine who lived and who died, the fates of kingdoms, and maybe the fate of the world.
"Well. You're not alone. If that helps," Carver said.
"It does," she said softly, her smile small but genuine.
They fell quiet again for a while before Adara asked softly: "Why did you follow me yesterday?"
"Like I said. I prefer you alive." He worked his jaw, clearly thinking, as if selecting words and putting them in the correct order was a tricky puzzle. "I need to be sure people are safe. It's kinda what I've always done for the people I... you know, care about. I need to be sure that you're safe."
His gaze seemed to drag across her face. She did much the same to him, studying the contrast of the beginnings of late-day stubble against his pale skin.
"You should've come and found me after Eskford," he said.
Adara chewed on her lip. "I'm your commander. I grew up in the Circle, I know what it means for there to be people who—who you can't refuse. In anything. I'm not going to be that."
"Maybe I don't want to refuse you."
"That is absolutely not the point." Even if it did make her heart race a bit faster to hear it.
"Then I'll ignore some orders later just to prove that I can," he said.
Adara started to say that gratuitous insubordination was not a reassuring plan of action, but the words never got a chance to come out. Carver stood up and closed the gap between them in one quick burst of movement. As his arms came around her and their lips met, she forgot her worries and thought: why haven't we been doing this the whole time? His kiss was rough and impatient, and she returned it in kind, making a small sound against his lips when he buried a hand in her hair. The sound seemed to spur him on, and he wrapped one arm around her waist, lifting her back onto the desk.
Adara didn't know why there was such a sense of urgency, but it was there. She needed to touch all of him, and she needed to do it right now. She slid her hands under his shirt and made a pleased hum to discover that he was all hard muscle, just as she had imagined he would be. Carver broke their kiss but only to move to her neck. When his teeth scraped across her skin, it sent a shuddering jolt down her back. She wrapped her legs around his waist to pull him closer, because it was absolutely unacceptable for there to be any space between them. He slid his hand beneath her shirt and her breastband, and she whimpered as he dragged his thumb across her nipple. "Fuck, that sound," he growled, and she could feel the rumble of his voice almost as much as she could hear it. He drew his mouth up the long line of her ear, and she couldn't stop herself from gasping. There was a heat between her legs that was growing unbearable.
One of her hands buried itself in his dark hair and pulled to draw his mouth back to hers, and the other fumbled at his waistband for a moment before finding the lacing. He groaned against her lips once she slipped her hand inside, stroking the length of him.
Why the fuck had she worn trousers today instead of a dress? She released him with her legs and pulled her hands away to unlace her trousers, trying to pull them down and out of the way at an awkward angle, because she was going to burst into flames—maybe literally, but probably not—if she couldn't have him right now. With an impatient sound from deep in his chest, he reached down to hasten her progress, pushing them down her legs until she could finally kick off the stupid things. Once they were gone, he ran a hand up her thigh. They both made a noise—hers high in pitch and his a low groan—as his fingers found the slickness there and explored her.
"Please," Adara panted against his mouth. "Now." Delaying another minute was not an option.
"Bossy," Carver said. She bit his lip.
With one hand under her thigh and the other on her hip, he eased inside of her with a deep groan. She drew in a sharp breath before letting it out in a soft 'oh' as she adjusted to his girth. There was a lull, probably only a split-second in time, where Carver drew back enough to look at her with want and something unreadable—almost surprise?—in his eyes. He really was very handsome, she thought, before he rocked his hips and she quickly forgot how to think. She let out a little cry before remembering they were in the damn study and then bit her lip hard to keep more cries from spilling out.
They set a pace that was frantic with need, her rocking her hips against him with each thrust. Clinging to his shoulders for support, she dug in with her fingernails without really meaning to, making him draw in a sharp breath. Adara had wanted this for longer than she would admit to herself, and it took very little time to bring her to the point of teetering on the edge of release. Her breath came in short gasps, and she could tell by his own ragged breathing and the tautness in his muscles that neither of them were going to last much longer.
She couldn't stop herself from crying out when she came, her back arching and her hands clinging to him desperately as if to keep from being swept away. Her legs tightened their grip around him, as if she could somehow pull him deeper inside of her. He gasped with a stuttering breath and wrapped his arms around her, shuddering as he finished.
They stayed perfectly still for a few moments, clinging tightly to each other while gasping for air. The room came back into focus. Adara dimly noticed that the ugly wood carving had fallen off the desk but unfortunately had not broken. Hands under her legs, Carver lifted her from the desk and took the two backwards steps needed to sink down into one of the chairs. He wrapped his arms around her again but gently this time, and she rested her head in the join of his neck and shoulder where she could feel his pulse.
"Next time I want us to be wearing far less clothing than this," Adara said after another long, comfortable silence.
"Next time, huh?" Carver said, tipping her chin back with a gentle hand so he could see her face.
"Mm-hmm. As soon as possible, too."
He laughed. "Is that an order?"
She narrowed her eyes teasingly. "Why? Are you going to start your rebellion right now?"
"Nah," he said.
He wore an easy grin that she hadn't seen before, but she liked seeing it there. She laid her head down again and curled into him, content to stay there like that for however long he would let her.
She realized that, for the first time in years, she felt safe.