SONG: When all you wanted was to be wanted…Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now ~ Fifteen by Taylor Swift

Chapter 9

Lydia:
it's finally Friday and I got the keys to the lake house this morning. We had everything we needed to get through the full moon. Got a shock this morning when Allison, who had been talking to Scott in the courtyard, came straight up to Isaac and kissed him. Like a full-on tongue clashing, hands groping, bodies pressed together kind of kiss. And it was hot. I looked at Scott and he was smiling at the two of them, happily. When they broke apart, Isaac looked over at Scott and he must have gotten the okay because he gave Allison the brightest, happiest smile in the world and kissed her again. Then they held hands and walked away together.

"Okay, what the hell just happened?" Stiles said as we walked over to Scott.

"That was Allison not holding back anymore and following her heart." Scott told us.

"It's about time. It was almost painful to watch them fight it for so long." I said in relief.

"It was. So, are we ready for this?"

"Yep. Everything is set up and ready to go." I said.

"Good. Now let's get this day over with. It's going to be a rough night." Scott said.

We all made our way to the building, stopping at lockers and grabbing books. I was relieved to see that I didn't have another note. I hadn't had a new one since the one I got on Wednesday. Hopefully, that means my secret admirer had moved on. I felt relaxed for the first time in weeks. Before we knew it the day was over, and we were all crowded around cars.

"Okay, Liam you're riding with Isaac and Stiles. I'm following behind. Allison and Lydia, your riding together right?"

"Yep." Allison agreed.

"Cool. Let's get going." Scott said.

Allison kissed Isaac with a chipper smile on her face and he looked totally besotted.

"Okay, enough of that. Get in the car." Stiles said, pushing Isaac towards the jeep. Liam was already in the back waiting.

I watched Scott mount his bike and gave a little wave. He smiled before putting on his helmet. I climbed into the passenger side of Allison's car and snorted.

"Are you going to be grinning like a loon the whole weekend?"

"Absolutely." She chirped. I laughed. She pulled out first since I had the directions, and everyone else followed after, Scott being last.

We were about twenty minutes into the drive when I asked.

"What finally made you decide to go for it?"

"With Isaac? Scott." She answered when I nodded. "He made me see that being with Isaac wasn't a slight to him for what he is or for what we had. That it just was what it was. I was tired of fighting it and Isaac had also been holding back because of Scott. I guess when he gave his seal of approval so to speak, we just, went for it." She shrugged.

"Good, I'm glad. You too are so cute together."

"We are, aren't we." She giggled. I snorted and shook my head.

"How did it feel, to finally just give in to what you were feeling?" I asked curiously.

"Like, the pressure had been lifted. It's like, the more we fought it the more it weighed us down. The feelings, the stress of it, of having all these feelings and not being able to or thinking we weren't able to act on them was making it hard to live. But once we finally gave in, it was like shedding really heavy armor. We didn't need to build walls anymore."

"That makes sense."

"Does it?"

"To me it does." I admitted quietly.

"Lydia, I asked you this before but now I want you to really think about it and answer me honestly, from your heart not your head."

"Okay, what is it?"

"How do you feel about Scott?"

"We already talked about this. You already know that." I sighed.

"No, I know your guarded vague answer but not what's in your heart. Just, humor me. Don't think about the obstacles that are in the way, just forget about Stiles and all that. How do you truly deep in your heart feel about Scott?

I sighed and closed my eyes, pulling up feelings that I was trying to keep buried for obvious reasons.

"Do you remember that night you drove us back to your house, after you guys figured out that Jackson was the kanima? I was freaking out because I didn't understand what was going on and you asked me to keep what I saw to yourself because you and Scott weren't supposed to be seeing each other?" I asked.

"Vaguely."

"You said, 'Remember what it feels like, all those times in school when you see him standing down the hall and you cannot breathe until you are with him. Or those times in class when you can't stop looking at the clock because you know that he's standing right out there waiting for you.' It feels like that but more. I feel so many things at once. He's my first thought in the morning and my last every night. My fingers itch just to touch him even its just a brush of his arm. My heart stammers just hearing his voice. My breath catches just seeing him smile. Everything just feels right in the world, like it will all be okay, if I'm just in the same space as him." My eyes burned and I tried to blink away tears.

"You love him."

"So. Damn. Much." I admitted clenching my fists in my lap. "I know nothing can happen; I know it in my head, but my heart won't get the message. It doesn't feel like a want but a need. I NEED to be with him, and I can't and its painful. As much as being around him fills me up it also hurts like hell at the same time." I wiped my eyes, choking back a sob.

"Oh Lydia." She reached over and squeezed my hands. Her phone rang just then, and she connected via Bluetooth.

"What's up?" she answered.

"Hey, we need to pull into the rest stop coming up. Stile's piece of-."

"Watch it or you can walk from here." Stiles cut in.

"Fine, the jeep needs water to grow." Isaac finished. Liam laughed in the background as Stiles grumbled.

"Okay, but you better signal Scott, so he knows."

"On it." Isaac said and disconnected.

I saw Stiles put his right blinker on signaling Scott that we are turning off. I tried to get myself together as we pulled into the gas station. We all parked and got out. Scott hopped off his bike and asked what the problem was. Isaac used colorful language to tell him, and the sound of his laugh made my heart stop for a second. I turned away and closed my eyes against the new burn. Why did Allison have me dredge up those feelings?

Allison came around and gave me a hug. I clung to her for a minute and let go.

"I'm going to get some snacks; you want to come."

"No, I'm good, thanks." I smiled at her. She nodded and then shouted to the guys.

"Hey, Snack run. Anyone want to come?" she asked.

"I will." Liam said following after Isaac and Allison.

I stayed and watched Stiles fill his jeep with gallons upon gallons of water as he joked with Scott. I couldn't help myself as I watched him. Smiling and nodding at whatever Stiles was saying to him. His dimples deep with the width of his smile. His brown eyes shining.

I had to turn away again. I really hate my best friend for making me feel things right now. I was doing good pushing down all of it. Pretending that we were only just friends and that it was fine. But now I can't even look at him without wanting to scream or cry or both.

"Lydia?" Scott said from right behind me. I straighten up and put on a smile before facing me.

"Yeah?"

"You, okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine why?"

"I can smell your anxiety. What's wrong?" he asked, grabbing my arms.

"Nothing. I'm fine." I smiled prettily up at him, trying to hold it together but he had to stop touching me.

"Lydia-."

"I'm fine Scott, really." I told him. I could see he didn't believe me. "I think I'm going to wait in the car, I have a bit of a headache." I opened the car door forcing him to step away. Once I was in, I closed my eyes and rested my head back. I don't know if he walked away but I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I felt them start to roll but it was only a minute later that Allison got in. She looked over at me, but I shook my head and closed my eyes again. I didn't try to stop them this time. I just let them fall as we drove on in silence.

"Alright, there are three bedrooms, one down here toward the back of the house and two upstairs and a pull-out bed in the couch in the sitting room on the right. Two bathrooms, one down here and one upstairs last door on the left. Kitchen is just off the living room, and you can get to the shed through the kitchen door. Its right off the water. Mom had the caretaker fill the fridge yesterday, so we have plenty to eat. So, I guess everyone should get settled. I'll check and see what we have quick we can make since it will be getting dark soon."

"Tonight, Liam, Isaac and I will be at the shed so that leaves one room open. I guess we can take the pull out for tomorrow night." Scott said and Liam nodded nervously. "It's going to be okay Liam. I swear."

"Yeah, okay." He said but he was still nervous.

"Nice, I get my own room." Stiles said excitedly.

"So do we." Isaac said wagging his eyes brows at Allison.

"No sex." Scott and I both said at once.

Allison laughed as Isaac's shoulders slumped, leading him up the stairs, Stiles following right behind.

"I'm gonna go check out the shed." Liam said and he was gone. Leaving just me and Scott standing awkwardly around.

"I uh, think I'll go grab the bags from the cars." Scott said.

"Yeah, and I'll check on the food situation." We both went our separate ways. I made a pit stop to the bathroom to splash some water on my face before heading to the kitchen.

It was stocked with quick and easy meals. My mother's idea since we were a bunch of teenagers and cooking wasn't really something we strived to do a lot of. I pulled out three pizzas and preheated the oven. I found a brand-new pack of paper plates and some plastic cups. I pulled out some fruit, knife, and a cutting board to make a fruit salad to go with the pizza and started working.

"You okay?" Allison asked walking into the kitchen.

"Yeah. I'm good." I told her.

"Okay, tell me another lie." She said pulling out another board and knife and helping me.

"What do you want me to say Allison. That our talk in the car pulled up feelings that I have been trying to keep buried and now I can't seem to put pandora back in the box. That this promises to be the longest and hardest weekend of my life. Well, I won't say it. I'm just gonna get through it cause that's all I can d-. Shit." I cursed after the knife sliced through my finger.

"What happened? I smell blood." Scott came rushing in.

"Nothing, just cut my finger. I'm fine." I said turning on the cold water and running my finger under it.

"Let me see." He said, grabbing my hand.

"I'm fine. It's just a small cut. I'm gonna get a band aid." I pulled away from him and passed Stiles in the doorway heading to the bathroom. I found the band aids but spent a few extra minutes in there trying to get myself together.

"I pulled out pizza for dinner, three of them. That should be enough, right?" I said, reentering the room. Everyone stopped talking and looked at me. It was only Stiles, Allison, and Isaac in the room.

"where's Liam and Scott?"

"At the shed. Scott said he wanted to show Liam what they planned to do in hopes of calming him down." Isaac answered.

I nodded heading back to the kitchen. This time no one came in. I was able to finish the fruit salad and got all three pizzas in the oven. I stayed in there when I heard Liam and Scott come back in through the front door and busied myself getting stuff ready.

"pizza's ready." I called 40 minutes later, and everyone came running. Plates were fixed and cups filled, and we all made our way to the sitting room. I chose a chair far away from Scott and we all just talked and ate until we were full, the wolves eating more than the rest of us. I picked at my food but wasn't really hungry. Nighttime started to fall, and I could see it was having an effect on Liam; Isaac and Scott were more experienced.

Liam stood to take his plate to the kitchen when he stopped suddenly dropping it on the floor. I instinctively went to pick it up and heard him growl. Scott stood up and came over to where we were placing himself between us. One of his hands gripped my hip keeping me behind him.

"Liam?" Scott called. Liam looked up at him with yellow eyes.

"it's happening."

"Okay. Isaac get him to the shed; I'll be right there."

Isaac nodded and grabbed his arm yanking him towards the kitchen door. Scott turned to me.

"You okay? He didn't get you, did he? His claws were out."

"No, I don't think he got me. I'm okay."

He looked me over and nodded.

"See you guys in the morning." He said following after them.

Allison, Stiles, and I cleaned up the trash and why Stiles and Allison decided to head up their rooms I decided to go down to the dock and just sit. My mind was a whirlwind as I tried hard to shove feelings back in the box and pad lock it. I tried thinking of every relationship I had comparing how I felt with them versus how I feel now.

Jackson was my first real relationship. We had pretty much been dating since halfway through freshman year, but I never felt those strong emotions with him. I always knew that we weren't forever. For one thing he's gay, or at least bi. He thought he was hiding it, but he was not. I used to see him checking out guys when he thought no one was paying attention. But we were good friends, at least until the whole kanima/wolf thing happened. Jackson had an easy life, but he didn't think so. He focused too much on the fact that he was adopted, thinking that there was something lacking in him. So, he tried to make up for that by trying to be the best at everything. He did not take it well when Scott burst onto the scene as the best player on the team. He became jealous and bitter. Which led to his transformation. We are still friends and text sometimes to catch up. He's in London now, his father sent him there after everything that happened last year. It was probably for the best.

Aiden wasn't really a relationship just a friend with benefits thing. I could never have a serious relationship with him. For one he tried to kill my friends and he did help kill Boyd. Aiden was really into violence and fighting, too much for my liking. I couldn't get over the fact that he was part of a pack that was okay with just killing anyone that crossed their path or that they thought that the way to recruit new pack members was to threaten, coerce and manipulate people. I get he felt he didn't have a choice. Deucalion saved him and his twin from his old pack, but he made choices with which I couldn't agree. It didn't stop me from being upset when he died though. In the end he redeemed himself, but I wish he didn't have to lose his life to do so. Ethan, his twin moved away after that. I understood. he just lost his twin brother. Danny, who he was dating, was upset but he understood.

I tried too hard, pushed too hard to make something that wasn't there with both of them. Jackson wanted the perfect girlfriend to match his perfect life. We were toxic together; I can admit that now. I pretended to not be smart to make him feel better. Aiden wanted the fun of a girlfriend without commitment, and I went along with it even though I hated what he stood for. The sex was good, but it wasn't enough. It didn't fill that void I felt inside.

All the things that happened last year changed me. I'm no longer that same girl that is willing to lower my standards to make others happy. I deserve happiness too. I deserve someone that sees me for me and isn't trying to change me or use me for their own nefarious reasons. I deserve...

"Mind if I join you?" Scott's voice said from behind me. I turned and smiled at him.

"Sure."

He sat dangling his long legs over the edge.

"how's Liam doing?" I asked.

"He's doing as expected. Isaac took over for a while to give me a breather. Liam's switching between primal and panic. Its normal."

"Good." I said.

"it's nice out here. Peaceful. We don't have enough of that in town."

"Peace, no we don't. I used to love coming out here for family vacations. My grandma would come out and we would sit right here, and she would read Little Mermaid to me. Every night."

"Every night, seriously?" he chuckled.

"Yup, every single night. I was in love with the story. So much so that for a month afterwards I refused to be addressed by any other name but Ariel."

"Ariel, you made every one call you Ariel for a whole month." He laughed.

"Yeah, I did. Drove my parents crazy but grandma thought it was adorable."

"I can just see you running around, your red hair flying around you demanding they use your proper name, Ariel. I bet you were the cutest thing in the world."

"Absolutely." I smiled brightly at him. He threw his head back and laughed. "don't laugh. I saw your baby picture on your desk on Tuesday."

He winced, "you saw that."

"I sure did. You were so stinking adorable." I giggled.

He facepalmed himself shaking his head.

"Okay, enough of that."

"There was a guy in that picture with you. Is that your dad?"

"Yeah, that's him. probably the last picture we took together."

"What happened to him? If you don't mind my asking."

"Not at all. He left. I think I was about 3 or 4. Mom says he drank a lot, and she asked him to leave the house. I guess he took that to mean leave permanently. I haven't really seen much of him since. Every once in a blue moon he'll call or text, email, or something but it's rare. Usually on my birthday."

"I know how that goes. My parents got divorced when I was about twelve or so. Dad keeps in contact, weekly phone calls and birthday visits. But we aren't close. I'm closer to my mom but she can be trying at times."

"Yeah, me and my mom are close too. There's not too much we can't talk about but sometimes she acts to… mom-ish and I just need to get away. She worries about me though and I get it. This whole werewolf thing has been a real shock to her belief system and then I became an alpha. I'm surprised she hasn't needed to be medicated."

"How did she handle finding out about the werewolf thing?"

"Not well at first. She didn't talk to me for weeks after she found out, but she came around. Then I had to sit her down and explain everything and what had been going on. Now she's an ally and support system for me and Isaac. She didn't hesitate to take him after he left Derek."

"Yeah, she sounds like the best."

"You ever think about telling your mom. I mean you're not a shifter, but you are part of the supernatural world."

"I've thought about it, but my mom isn't like yours or even like Stile's dad. She wouldn't be able to deal with it. She would prefer to stick her head in the sand. I do that myself sometimes when things that I just know I can't handle or deal with come up."

"You seem to be doing well with being a banshee and not ignoring it."

"I am now. But I didn't at first. When it first happened, I wanted to just ignore it and have everything go back to normal. I wanted to go back to my happy little oblivious life."

"Are you unhappy with how things turned out."

"Not really. I mean I would prefer not to have premonitions like I did this week and being directed to dead bodies isn't the highlight of my life but other than that I'm okay with things. I want to learn more about my powers and what I can do and even how to control it but I'm not going to complain about it either, not much at least."

"I feel the same way. I like my life the way it is now, there are things about being a wolf I would rather not deal with and the trouble that seems to come with it but overall, I'm happy."

I leaned over and laid my head on his shoulder.

"What are you out here thinking about anyway? you have been out here a while."

"Oh, nothing really. Just going over how much I have changed in the last year, superpowers aside."

"You have changed. But what in particular were you thinking about?"

"Jackson… and Aiden. I was re-evaluating the relationships I had with them. I realized that I spent so much time trying to be what they wanted me to be that I lost me. Jackson wanted that whole picture-perfect high school sweethearts thing, so I tried to give it to him. Pretending I wasn't smart, acting shallow and stuck up. Aiden wanted the girlfriend experience without the actual girlfriend, and I pretended to be okay with that. But I wasn't. I wanted a boyfriend; well, I still do. But I want one to see me for who I am, not for who they could make me into."

"I get that. And you deserve that. You shouldn't have to change for anyone you are amazing just as you are. I see you, Lydia. I see you for the beautiful, smart, sassy woman that you are." He whispered grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers, laying his head on top of mine.

"I see you too."

We were silent just enjoying a moment together, but it was soon broken by a growl.

"Scott." Isaac called.

"Duty calls. You should head inside just in case." He said moving to stand and then helping me up. I stepped the wrong way and almost fell but he caught me pulling me into him. I looked up at him and seriously thought about leaning up to kiss him. Just a kiss.

"Scott, need some help here." Isaac called again.

We sighed and walked back up the dock. He split off and jogged towards the shed and I headed for the house. My phone buzzed as I got to the door.

UNKNOWN: Did you have a nice little chat with Scott? Tsk, tsk, Stiles is just upstairs. What would he say? When will you learn? It's okay, that lesson is coming.

See you soon,

Your secret admirer.

I gasped as I looked around the pitch-black night then I hurried inside and locked the door.