Moonlight in Forks

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.

A Difficult Conversation

Bella was totally lost in her own head, her recent revelation making her unaware of anything else around her. In a vague way, she was aware of Edward holding the car door for her, of Alice's mindless chatter from the backseat, of the rain hammering against the windshield. Edward seemed to realize she was only there in body, he tried to gain her attention, but Bella was past noticing.

They ended up at her house, she would go on to the reservation later when Charlie came home. They were expected for dinner. Billy was making his famous pasta dish, something which he boasted couldn't be missed.

Once inside, Edward led an oblivious Bella to the sofa and pulled her down next to him. She stared out of the window, still not acknowledging him at all, her mind whirling with the portent of what she had decided. As she continued to stare out at the liquid gray haze outside, she tried to figure out where her resolve had gone, at what point she had suddenly begun to change her mind about what she wanted for the future. She had known the deadline was coming, but somehow, she had managed to block out the passage of time as if it didn't exist.

Bella didn't know how long Edward let her stare out the window in silence. But the rain was disappearing into darkness when it was finally too much for him. He put his cold hands on either side of her face and fixed his golden eyes on hers.

"Would you please tell me what you are thinking? Before I go mad." He pleaded.

Bella blinked, coming back into the present. What was she supposed to say to him? How was she supposed to tell him she had changed her mind, when she had been the one who had insisted on being changed in the first place? She searched for the right words, but there were none.

"You've gone really pale, Bella." Edward pointed out worriedly. "I do hope you are not sickening for something, my darling. Maybe I should take you to see Carlisle."

Of course, that would be the conclusion he would jump to!

"I'm not sickening for anything." Bella pulled his hands away from her face. She was already feeling cold, his touch was just making it worse. "Its chilly in here." She said bleakly.

"Oh, I see. I'll get you a blanket." Edward was gone in the blink of an eye. He soon returned with a thick wool blanket, tucking it tightly around Bella to ward off any draughts. "Is that better?"

"Yes, thank you." Bella replied faintly.

"You still look pale." Edward was studying her face closely, watching every little change in her expression. "Your lips are turning white. Talk to me, Bella."

Bella exhaled in one long gust, not realizing she had been holding her breath. She gazed at Edward's angelic face, her own a picture of misery. "The date took me off guard." She admitted. "That's all."

Edward waited, his face full of worry and skepticism.

Bella struggled to find the right words to explain. "I'm not sure what to do…. what to tell you…. what to say…how to…" Her voice tailed off.

"This isn't about the party?"

Bella was disbelieving. His response showed once again how out of synch they were. Jacob, on the other hand, would have guessed straight away what was on her mind. "No. This is not about the stupid party." She snapped.

The rain sounded louder in the deathly silence. Edward wasn't used to her speaking so harshly. And it had happened twice now in the space of a few hours.

"Then please enlighten me, Bella." He said eventually.

Bella looked away, finding it easier not to look at him directly. She always lost her focus when his amber eyes were trained on hers. "I'm not ready." She confessed.

"Not ready for what?"

Bella frowned, feeling the usual frustration creeping up on her. "I am not ready, Edward." She repeated, much slower this time. She chanced a glance at him, saw the realization finally dawn on his face. "I convinced myself that I was, mainly I think because of all the things threatening me-Victoria, Jane, Caius, whoever was in my room…."

"You felt pushed into it?" Edward sounded alarmed. "But you seemed so adamant. I counseled you to wait, remember?"

"I know."

Edward's hands found their way back to her face. He held it tightly and spoke with slow deliberation, as if she were a child. "Bella, not one of us had a choice. You've seen what its done…to Rosalie especially. We've all struggled, trying to reconcile ourselves with something we had no control over. But you do. If you want to delay things, I won't protest, in fact, I welcome it. And later on, when you are ready, when there is no longer a threat hanging over your head, influencing your decision, then we will think again."

Bella bit down on her bottom lip hard. He was still misunderstanding her, she wasn't sure if it was willfully so, or that he really was that clueless. She would have to be blunt. "I've already made my choice, Edward."

"We wait for a while longer."

"No, Edward, we won't wait." Bella raised her voice again in order to get her point across. "We won't wait because I no longer want to be changed. I want to stay human!"

Edward was silent for quite a while. He sat back, letting go of Bella's face, leaning back against the sofa cushions like an Adonis statue. Bella found it disconcerting seeing him so still, he wasn't even pretending to breathe anymore.

After a while, Bella got up and left him alone, heading to the kitchen to make herself something to eat. As she was having dinner at the Black's later on that evening, she ended up eating some of the chocolate chip cookies she had made the night before to take with her. They were Jacob's favorites.

The sugar rush Bella got from the chocolate made her feel a little calmer. She was glad she had spoken up at last. It was like a huge weight off her shoulders. Edward knew the truth now-he should be pleased-hadn't he been the one advocating for her to change her mind all this time?

Eventually Edward joined her. He slipped silently into empty seat beside her, taking her hands in his. "Not until you're ready." He said in a sure voice. "And definitely not while you feel threatened."

Bella didn't answer. She didn't have it in her to argue her point all over again. It was like he hadn't heard her at all.

"There." Edward kissed her forehead. "Nothing to worry about."

The next few days passed in a blur. Bella thought there was always an amount of time to build a heaven or a hell, or someplace heading toward one of those destinations. You must be level to pass each checkpoint, miss one and it was game over. The clock is forever ticking.

Bella didn't wave to Edward as he dropped her off at the invisible treaty line after school one day. She got into the Rabbit, and even from that distance, she could tell that Edward was truly upset. He wasn't hiding it. He had spent the best part of the afternoon trying to persuade her to spend time with him at the mansion.

"Hey, Bells." Jacob greeted her cautiously. He was well aware of the tension dripping off her. It was in every line and curve of her body. "Are you okay?"

"You know better than to ask me that." Bella sighed. She looked at him, suddenly feeling very guilty when she examined his face, and realizing how tired he seemed. "Have you been getting any sleep?" She asked tenderly.

Jacob looked different, maybe even sick. His eyelids drooped and his face was drawn. His shaggy hair stuck out in random directions; it was almost to his chin in some places.

"Sam has been pushing us hard." He admitted. "I'm just a little tired. That's all. Don't start stressing."

Bella eyed him for a moment, not wanting to make things worse for him. But she was really worried. She had never seen him this exhausted before. She had a good mind to go to Sam and give the Alpha wolf a ticking off. To Jacob, she said. "Let's just hang out at your place for now. We can do something another time."

"Sure, sure." Jacob gave her a lazy smile in response before it dissolved into a wide yawn.

Jacob's house was vacant, and that felt strange to Bella, she thought of Billy as a near permanent fixture there.

"Where's your dad?"

"Over at the Clearwaters'. He's been hanging out there a lot since Harry died. Sue gets lonely." Jacob explained as he sat down on the old couch that was no bigger than a loveseat and squished himself over to make room for Bella.

"Oh. That's nice. Poor Sue."

Thinking of the Clearwaters' made Bella think of Leah. She remembered the solitary tear the other girl had shed at the bonfire, the say way she held herself, the sheer unhappiness and sadness that seemed to surround her like the grey skies above. "How are Leah and Seth?" She asked Jacob.

"They've been struggling since losing their dad-Leah especially. Seth seems to handle it better. He's a good kid."

"Is there anything I can do?" Bella asked, feeling useless as hell. Not only had the siblings lost their dad, but their whole life had been turned upside down since turning wolf. She thought of Leah and how hard it must be on her, to be part of a pack that her ex oversaw.

"Don't worry yourself about it, honey. We've got it covered." Jacob yawned again, as he reached for the remote and flipped on the TV without seeming to think about it.

"Jacob, maybe you should go lie down. You're like a zombie. How much sleep have you been getting?"

"I got about two hours of sleep last night, and four the night before." Jacob stretched his longs arms slowly; Bella could hear the joints crack as he flexed. He settled his left arm along the back of the sofa behind her, and slumped back to let his head rest against the wall. "I'm sorry, Bells. I'm not being much fun. I'm just so exhausted."

"Why is Sam pushing you all so hard?" Bella demanded, feeling her resentment toward the pack's Alpha rising again.

Jacob made a face. "Sam's being difficult because he doesn't trust your bloodsuckers. He's got us all doing double shifts for the next two weeks. Nobody's touched me yet, but he still doesn't buy it."

"Double shifts?" Bella cried. "That's ridiculous. You will all suffer burnout. Let me talk to him. I'm sure I can convince – "

"Oh, honey, you are so adorable when you are about to go into battle for me." Jacob cut in, laughing. He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze in gratitude. "But I can handle myself. Its no big deal." His eyes suddenly became abruptly more alert. "Hey, did you ever find out who was in your room? Is there anything new?"

"No, we didn't find anything out about my, um, visitor."

"Right, until we know, I'll keep up the double shifts." Jacob promised.

Bella realized then, it wasn't Sam just pushing for the extra hours, it was Jacob too. That's why he wasn't fighting it. He was doing it all for her sake, so he could keep her safe when she wasn't on the res. "Jake…" She started to whine."

"No, Bella." Jacob cut in again. "I'm not discussing this. Until we know more. I'll be around."

"Stubborn wolf." Bella's voice had no heat to it. She mussed up his already messy hair and nestled closer to his side, relaxing as she absorbed his supernatural heat. He was like her own personal space heater. She took the remote from him and stared at the TV, flicking through the channels.

They sat in companionable silence for a while as Bella finally settled on a cooking show. They watched the presenter discuss in minute detail how to make the perfect strawberry flan.

"So, any special plans next week? You're graduating. Wow. That's big." Jacob's voice was flat, and his face, already drawn, looked downright haggard as he closed his eyes again, not in exhaustion, but in denial. Bella realized that her graduation still had a horrible significance for him, though her original plans had changed.

"No special plans." Bella replied carefully, waiting out his reaction, hoping he would hear the reassurance in her words without a more detailed explanation. She really didn't to discuss it now. It was enough that she had made her decision, the whys and wherefores could wait for another day. She just wanted to be.

As always, Jacob understood her perfectly. He opened his eyes, the dread leaving them. His eyes were dancing now. He was perfectly relaxed. "That's good to know." He said, the only sign of his relief was his arm tightening around her shoulders.

A/N-thanks for reading!