Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. I am only playing with the fandom for the enjoyment of myself as well as others.

Author's note: Take care that a spew warning might apply and be cautious when handling food and liquids while reading this.

Chapter 16

Entering his small cabin Will hung his cloak on the peg by the door, unstringing his bow and propping it in the corner. He was exhausted, bone weary, it seemed wherever he went and whatever he did he was reminded of what had happened. He had never thought of it before, but now it wouldn't leave his mind for a minute.

Crowley had gone back, after asking if he was okay, which Will said he was though they both knew it was not true. Crowley had told Jenny, and she had cried. Baron Arald and Lady Sandra had expressed tear filled condolences.

Halt wasn't back yet, and a part of Will dreaded it no matter how much he longed for his mentor. Halt could fix everything, knew everything and there was nothing he could not do, except bring Gilan back…

Many of the villagers had expressed their condolences, though most of them had been wary still of the strange Ranger. Word got around, and most of them still remembered the tall lanky youth who had been Halt's apprentice.

One man, with a reputation for being a drunk and a troublemaker had expressed a completely different opinion, and Will had punched him.

The Baron had called him up to the castle after that, saying how he understood, but that Will needed to think about how he conducted himself. It was true, he knew that, and yet he found he could not. He could not let go of the guilt he felt. He had avoided Jenny, though he imagined she would want to see him and talk to him. He just could not bear to see the pain on her face and the tears in her eyes. She really had cared for Gilan, he had never quite understood how much before then.

Lady Sandra had been crying, and tried to comfort him, which did not make him feel better. He did not really deserve to be comforted, for eventually Halt would be back, and he would learn it was Will's fault.

Halt and Pauline were supposed to go to Castle Araluen first, to report directly to King Duncan which meant that it would be Crowley who had to give them the news. When they returned home, they would already know.

He was aware that he had perhaps sometimes got a little competitive with Gilan, he wanted to prove to Halt that he was just as good as his first apprentice, sometimes hopefully even better. Gilan had never seemed to mind, but then he never seemed to object to anything at all. He was more likely to encourage Will and help him then to get annoyed.

It was only that Gilan was so skilled and so competent, Will never quite felt as if he measured up. Gilan had been the perfect apprentice, hadn't he? He was the perfect Ranger, right? It was wrong to still think of him so, but he did, and he had wanted to prove to Halt that he was just as good. That he deserved Halt's love just as much as Gilan did.

Now Gilan was gone, and it was Will's fault, and he was sure Halt had to see that. If he had been a little more vigilant, a little more careful….

Gilan always told him to accept the mistakes he made, never to rationalizes them, to simply learn from them and move on. Yet how could he move on after a mistake that cost Gilan his life?

Gilan's sword was in the other corner, propped against the wall like he had seen Gilan do at times. For a brief moment he had been tempted to strap it on, see how the weight would feel around his waist. He never did, what right did he have? Eventually he would have to draw it out of the scabbard to make sure it was oiled and wouldn't rust.

He still wasn't sure if it shouldn't have gone to Halt though. Certainly he had more right to it than Will did, and yet, as much as it hurt it was a comfort sometimes to look at it. Gilan had had that sword as long as he had known him, and it had been the one thing that stood him apart from the other Rangers, together with his height… He didn't think there was one Ranger who was as tall as Gilan had been.

He had tried to put it out of his mind, and focus on his duty, but it didn't seem possible. Things he had never thought of much before seemed now to be really heavy on his mind. When he took over the cabin, he had moved into the slightly larger bedroom that had used to be Halt's, and now he was reminded that the smaller one had belonged to Gilan before it was his.

When he himself had to stand on tiptoe to reach into the top cupboard, he was reminded how easy it was for Gilan to take anything that was there down. Even the low awning on the verandah reminded him of his friend. How many times was it Gilan had stumbled on those steps because he tried to duck at the same time? Halt claimed to remember the sound as he had heard it a thousand time, and from all the times Gilan had been there with them, now Will had done so as well.

Angrily he scrubbed a hand over his eyes as he went to the meat locker, he wasn't hungry, but it was well over time he ate something. He had been on the verge of neglecting his duty since he got back and he knew it. Nothing would have disappointed Gilan more, so it was about time he did something about it. He really wasn't in the mood for a more robust meal though, so he would settle for some meat and bake a potato in the hot oven. It would do him well enough, and probably be better than he had eaten lately.

Only a day or so prior he had found the belt holding his double scabbard hadn't sat as it should on his waist, and he had been forced to tighten it. That really hadn't seemed right and it was the first time it had happened. He'd had to expand it a few times as he grew older, but not pull it in. A clear sign it was time for him to pull himself out of it, or he wasn't going to be able to do his job as he was supposed to.

Adding salt and pepper to the meat he was surprised how much it sparked his appetite, but the fragrance really was compelling. He even found himself grabbing some butter from the pantry to add to the potato, mixing it with a clove of garlic that he crushed. A little he rubbed on the meat, the rest he put aside from the potato. While it baked, he started a pot of coffee, wondering if his seeming unexplainable return of appetite meant something. He could not tell, but he rather hoped it meant he was coming to turn with what happened. He didn't want to ever forget Gilan, nor what he had meant to him, but he wanted to be able to perform his duties in a way that Gilan would have approved of.

He couldn't do that if he did not take care of himself. Gilan deserved better, and he would really hate for Halt to come back and find him in such a sorry state.

Crowley had pointed out something to him, that the news was going to take Halt very hard. He would need to be able to rely on Will then, to count on him for support. None had been closer to Gilan than Halt had been, even more so than his own father in some ways. That was something Will had not expected to be told, but Crowley had said it, and he guessed he could see it. Sir David obviously loved his son, but he was a knight and Gilan was a Ranger, they worked in different ways. Halt had been Gilan's mentor for many years, and they worked together often even after that. They were closer in some ways than Gilan had been to his father.

It was sad, and something Will found hard to understand, but he had known since he first met Gilan how much he meant to Halt. That was why he sometimes felt jealous of the taller Ranger, why he had sometimes felt the need to compete with him. Now there was no need for that anymore, he would have no one to compete with, and somehow, that was worse….

TBC Please review, the caffeine addicted Cricket is hungry…