Moonlight in Forks
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.
Girl Talk
Bella was used to the noisy engine of the old Chevy announcing her arrival. She peered out through the iron monster's windshield, expecting to see Jacob running out of the garage to meet her. It had become their tradition that he scooped her up into a bear hug and swing her around to celebrate her coming. So, she was surprised, and a little uneasy, when he didn't immediately appear.
Switching off the engine, Bella carefully swung open the driver's door and jumped down onto the ground. Mud splattered up her boots and the hem of her jeans, but she barely noticed as she walked toward his workplace.
"Hello, Jake, are you there?" She called out.
There was no answer. As Bella made her way inside the refurbished garage, she was surprised to see it in complete darkness. There was no one there. Even Billy's little office was empty. She could only assume he had left to get some lunch.
Disappointment flooded Bella. She had been looking forward to spending some uninterrupted time with Jacob, even if it was only for an hour or so. Then she began to worry that something had happened. It wasn't like him not to be here when he said he would. They had arranged before he left that morning to meet for lunch. Something had called him away. Was it work? Or was it something more sinister?
Bella hoped for the former. If he was out running with the pack that could only mean one thing…vampires!
She stepped back out into the light, feeling her breathing already ramping up with fear. It had been a while since any of the pack had come across any vampires (the Cullens being the exception) that it was a shock to the system to imagine that there might be nomads roaming around again.
"Jake can take care of himself." Bella reminded herself as she trudged back to the truck. She reached for the handle to pull open the driver's door again, only to see her hand was shaking. "Pull yourself together, Swan." She muttered angrily, not understanding why it was affecting her so much. Jacob had faced worse. They all had. A few nomads wouldn't bother him or his pack. Even the newbies could take them down without much effort.
Bella pulled on the handle to yank the door open when she heard someone calling her name. She spun around too fast, her boots sliding dangerously in the slick mud. She steadied herself against the side of the truck, managing to stay upright. Out of the corner of her eyes she spotted Leah Clearwater coming toward her.
Now, this wasn't the first time the girls had come across one another since Leah had kidnapped her and offered her up to the Cullens, but it was certainly the first time they had been properly alone together without others there.
Bella leaned against the truck for support, pressing her back to it firmly, trying to slow the rapid rise and fall of her chest as she faced the she-wolf. She tried to stem the rising tide of her panic, knowing she was being ridiculous. Leah wouldn't hurt her. She was letting old memories take control of her emotions, allowing past fears to undermine her self-control.
"Hi, Leah." She winced at how shaky her voice sounded.
Leah didn't have to read Bella's body language to sense her agitation. She could smell it, her stress hormones gave out a sharp spiky aroma, rendering the she-wolf speechless. It saddened her that Bella still felt that way, but was not surprised. What she had done had left its mark on both of them, in different ways.
"I'm looking for Jake." Leah said, shoving her hands in the pockets of her denim shorts, she tried to look as non-threatening as possible.
"So am I." Bella admitted in a low voice. "We were supposed to meet for lunch. I guess something came up." She finally found the courage to push herself away from the truck, straightening her posture as she faced Leah head on. She refused to let old fears shackle her. She pushed them deep down inside, because like the ghosts of children's nightmares, fear was an illusion.
Leah looked at her, then away. She was finding it difficult to meet Bella's eyes, her guilt was pounding away inside her, chipping away at her courage. "Bella, I want…I mean…I've never really…. apologized to you for…."
Bella held up her hand to stop her talking. "There is no need. Its all forgotten."
Leah knew this was lie. "That's not quite true, is it? You're still afraid of me. I can smell it."
"Of course, you can." Bella replied bitterly. She should have learned by now that there wasn't much you could hide from a wolf.
Leah winced, realizing she had made a faux pas. As if Bella would want to know that? She stood awkwardly (and Leah was never awkward), staring down at the footprints her bare feet had left in the wet mud.
"I don't know what to say to you to make things right."
"You don't owe me an explanation, Leah."
"I think I do." Leah traced one big toe in the mud, her heart feeling like a lead weight in her chest. "Even though there are no excuses for my actions, I had reached the lowest point of my life when I did what I did to you."
Bella sighed internally. It looked like she was going to be forced to hear this explanation whether she wanted to or not. The peaceful lunch she had been so looking forward to with Jacob was not going to happen now. Instead, she was trapped with the she-wolf, being made to listen to her confession.
"Okay." She said, giving in. "If it makes you feel better to get it off your chest. Say whatever you have to say."
Leah's head rose sharply at Bella's toneless reply. She had been expecting a little compassion. Not this. She was suddenly the pain hardened Leah from before. "You have no idea what it feels like to he a genetic dead end, Bella." She snapped.
The vicious edge to her voice left Bella floundering. She backed off a few paces, looking at the other girl warily.
Leah felt a stab of guilt when she saw the anxious look on Bella's face. With difficulty she toned down her ire. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound sharp."
"Its fine." Bella folded her arms across her chest to create a barrier between them.
"Its hard for me." Leah admitted with difficulty. "Jacob tries to be understanding-but the female stuff"-she couldn't hide her sarcasm- "sends him running for cover just like any other stupid male."
"Yes. I imagine any of the guys would find it awkward. But he would listen if you really needed him to."
Bella recalled the few times that Jacob had mentioned Leah in the early days, before she joined his pack permanently. He had told her about the she-wolf's panic that first month after she phased-and how he had cringed away from it just like everyone else. Leah hadn't been able to shield her thoughts from them, so they suffered along with her, the insight into her most private fears broadcast to them all without relief.
Because she couldn't get pregnant-not unless there was some freaky religious immaculate crap going on. She hadn't been with anyone else since Sam. And then, when the weeks dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, she'd realized her body wasn't following the normal patterns anymore. They all had to share her horror-what was she now? How had her body changed because she had become a werewolf? Or had she become a werewolf because her body was wrong? The only female werewolf in the history of forever. Was that because she wasn't as female as she should be?
Bella felt her former compassion for the she-wolf reemerging. She had been her biggest advocate at one time, always quietly supportive and taking her side whenever Jacob complained about how difficult the she-wolf was making things for everyone.
The guys hadn't wanted to deal with Leah's hormonal breakdown. It wasn't like they could empathize.
"I'm sorry you had to suffer like that."
Leah nodded in acknowledgement of Bella's sympathy, for she knew Bella hadn't said it out of pity. It was pity she hated the most. "You know why Sam thinks we imprint?" She asked, calmer now.
Bella didn't really want the conversation to gravitate to that topic. "Sure." She said in defeat. "Jacob told me its because Sam believes that its to carry on the line."
"Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic override. You're drawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene."
"I don't believe that." Bella said dismissively. "If that were true Jake would have been the first to imprint as he has the strongest bloodline. And what about the others who haven't imprinted yet? No, it makes no sense. He's reaching."
"You think?" Leah shook her head. "Doesn't change things either way. If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn to me."
Bella heard the pain in Leah's voice and it almost made her reach out to comfort the girl…almost.
"But I'm not." Leah continued in a rush, clearly wanting to get it all off her chest. "There's something wrong with me. I don't have the ability to pass on the gene, apparently, despite my stellar bloodlines. So, I have become nothing but a freak-the girlie wolf-good for nothing else. I'm a genetic dead end."
"You're wrong." Bella argued. "That's just Sam's theory, which I already told you I believe is total bullshit. If it came down to stellar bloodlines, then Jake would not have been attracted to me, for I am just a nobody, a frail human."
"Don't you ever worry that he'll….?"
"No!" Bella said firmly before Leah could finish. "Jake and I have fought hard to be together. Look, imprinting happens, but no one really knows why. Sam thinks one thing. Billy thinks another."
"I know, I know. He thinks imprinting is to make stronger wolves. Because Jake and Sam are such humongous monsters-bigger than our fathers."
"Well, that doesn't explain Quil imprinting on a literal child." Bella pointed out. "So that theory is as useless as all the others."
Leah's lips twitched as she fought a smile at the angry look on Bella's face. It didn't last, though, as her former sadness continued to haunt her. She couldn't believe she was confiding in the former leech lover about her darkest feelings, but somehow it felt right.
"Either way, I'm still not a candidate. I'm menopausal. I'm twenty years old and I'm menopausal."
"You don't know that, Leah." Bella cried passionately. This time she did take a step forward, her hands reaching out to the other girl in compassion. "It's probably just the whole frozen in time thing. When you quit your wolf and start getting older again, I'm sure everything will start working normally again and you'll be popping babies out all over the place."
This time Leah couldn't help but laugh. "Me? Popping out babies?"
"Yes, you!" Bella affirmed, smiling herself. "You need to stop focusing on the negatives. Be positive. Forget imprinting and what it does or doesn't mean. It's not like you want to be imprinted on, is it? And as far as I can see, it hasn't made those who have very happy. What's wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person? Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you. Go out and date, Leah. You are a beautiful woman. Go forth and spread the love!"
Leah snickered at this wild proclamation. "You really are weird. I can see why Jake fell for you."
"Thanks, I think." Bella rolled her eyes. A sudden gust of wind blew her hair over her eyes. That same gust of wind brought a familiar scent with it too. As Bella brushed the tangled strands back from her face, she saw Leah tense, the amusement draining from her face like a light switch being turned off. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"Its Sam." Leah whispered. "He's here. I can smell him. He must have been down wind, that's why I didn't detect him before. Oh, God, what if he overheard everything?"
"He might have just arrived. He does work here, remember?" Bella tried to reason with the distraught she-wolf.
Just then Sam strode purposefully around the corner. He halted when he saw Leah, his body as tense as the she-wolf's. "Lee Lee." He called out haltingly.
Leah's body immediately began to vibrate. "I can't do this." She sobbed. She turned on her heel and ran blindly for the trees, her human form shattering even before she reached their cover.
Sam made as if to run after her, but he stopped himself, running his fingers through his shorn hair over and over in an agitated fashion.
Bella stood still, wondering what to do. She was unsettled by Uley's sudden appearance and by the overwrought look on his face. She was so used to the stern, forbidding mask he normally presented to the world that she was thrown off balance. She wished that Jacob was there to advise her what to do. Should she retreat quietly? Not that her truck was quiet! Should she acknowledge she had seen him? Should she talk to him? Just greet him and then go? What to do?
While all these anxious questions flew like wildfire through her mind, Sam had recovered his composure. His somber mask was back in place as he walked slowly over to Bella.
"Hello, Bella." He greeted her formally. "I'm looking for Jake."
"Me, too. We were supposed to have lunch together." Bella was thankful that her voice sounded normal. "He must have got called away."
"Yes." Sam's eyes darted to the same trees where Leah had disappeared. His serious expression slipped for a second, showing the anguish beneath.
Bella sighed, feeling she had played agony aunt enough for one day, but she had to at least ask. "Are you okay? Is there anything I can help you with?"
Sam seemed at a loss. "I was hoping to talk to Jake about something."
Jacob had told Bella that Sam had begun to confide in him, which was a big step for Uley. He hadn't revealed everything that Sam had said to him, but Bella got the impression that all was not well in the Uley/Young household since Emily's miscarriage. She was still on the Makah res with her family and had barely been in contact with Sam since asking him for some space.
"Well, when I see Jake, I'll let him know that you were looking for him." Bella said eventually. "I better go – "
"I got a letter from Emily." Sam interrupted before she had a chance to leave.
"Oh." Bella didn't know what to say.
Sam reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a folded piece of white paper. "Read it." He said tersely.
"I don't think its my place." Bella replied hesitantly.
"I want you to read it." Sam insisted, holding it out to her. "Please." He tagged on at the end as if that would make a difference.
Bella reluctantly took the smooth sheet of paper from him and unfolded it gingerly. She began to read:
"Sam,
I am writing this letter to you because I don't have the courage to say what needs to be said face to face. Does this make me a coward? I don't know. Perhaps its just kinder this way.
Putting some distance between us has allowed me space to think for myself without the overriding emotions of guilt getting in the way, which is something that I haven't been able to do for the longest time. It feels freeing, being able to see things from a clearer perspective, without the bind of the imprint pulling me in a certain direction.
And here we come to the crux of the problem-the imprint. You never asked for it. You didn't want it. But it imprisoned you anyway.
Our relationship started in a bad place, Sam. And now it's going to end that way, in the most tragic of circumstances.
You were never mine, Sam. I just wanted you to be. Even though your heart clearly belonged to someone else, I still wanted you, because I've always been a selfish being. And because it was what I wanted; the imprint made you want it too. No matter the cost. I gave you no choice.
I guess we both paid the price for that, didn't we?
Now, after losing something so infinitely precious, I've decided to release you from your burden. You will no longer be torn in two, Sam. Your will is your own again. I ask nothing from you anymore other than you think of me kindly sometimes.
Yours in grief,
Emily."
A/N-thanks for reading!