Chapter 44

Massaru brought me home, to Seiya's large apartment, as my small apartment no longer existed. My emotions overwhelmed me already at the apartment door as I ran my fingers over the nameplate. I sank down along the door and curled up. He was gone. It took me a while to gather the strength to enter the apartment. Everywhere I saw his face, and every moment, I thought he would come back in at any moment. Back home with me. Still tired, I shuffled into the bedroom. He had left his joggers and the too-baggy sweater from the day before carelessly on the floor, just like always. Little things that used to annoy me. I picked them up, and they still smelled like him. Clutching his sweater tightly with both arms, I lay down on the bed. I dreamed myself to him. In the dream, he was with me, and I wasn't alone here.

We were dancing together on the gala dance floor, and he spun me around again with his brightest smile. "It hurts so much, Seiya. I miss you so much. I'm so sorry; I didn't want this to happen to you," I whispered with tears of longing in my eyes. He stopped dancing and placed his hand on my cheek. "Darling, you have to be strong now..."

The incessant knocking and ringing at the apartment door reached me, but I tried to ignore it. I wanted to linger for a moment longer in this special dream world with Seiya, but the sudden awakening pulled me away from that precious moment. Seiya's words hadn't fully reached me yet, and I felt a pang of regret that I was torn away from the dream too soon. The persistent calling at the front door gradually faded, and I just lay there without the urge to get up and respond. I had left my phone and handbag somewhere yesterday, but in that moment, I didn't care. I didn't want to see or hear anyone. I just wanted to lie here and conjure Seiya's image in my mind. But in vain. Seiya didn't reappear, and I desperately longed for his presence.

I pulled his sweater closer to my chest as if his scent could comfort and envelop me. I deeply inhaled that scent, hoping it would bring back a little piece of him. But reality persisted in my thoughts, and I had to accept that Seiya wasn't physically with me. Eventually, I heard the lock of the door unlocking, and I lifted my head slightly. Taiki and Yaten were speaking quietly in the hallway.

"Usagi? Are you here?" Yaten called a bit louder.

I forced myself to swing my legs out of bed. Then I stood up and swayed to join them in the hallway, leaning against the supportive door frame. "Yes."

Minako hurried to me and wrapped me in her arms. I only truly noticed her when she stood in front of me, and I felt her warmth.

"This is all so terrible," she whispered to me.

Minako held me tight as I buried myself in her arms and let my tears flow freely. Despair constricted my throat, and the pain of Seiya's loss was unbearable. It felt as if my heart was shattering into a thousand pieces over and over again. Taiki and Yaten stood facing us, their faces marked by grief and pain. I knew what they felt, the same emptiness that enveloped me. It was still incomprehensible for them as well.

Yaten slowly approached us and placed a hand on my shoulder. His bloodshot eyes were focused on me.

"We have to stop crying. Seiya would kick our butts if he saw us like this," he sobbed, and tears welled up in his eyes again. Minako widened her embrace and also pulled Yaten close.

Taiki was the only one who seemed more composed, but the pain of loss was evident on his face as well. "Usagi, can you tell us what happened?" Taiki finally asked in a calm, composed tone.

The question hit me like another stab to the heart because I knew they deserved the truth, even if I wasn't ready to speak it out loud yet. A deep sob escaped my throat, and I sank to my knees, unable to bear the pain within me. I felt guilty for Seiya's death, as if his blood was literally on my hands. Minako sat down beside me on the floor and pulled me into her arms again.

"It's my fault," I whispered softly. "I'm to blame for him not being here anymore."

Mina stroked my head. "No, don't say that. Only the guy with the gun is to blame."

"The man with the gun was Sapphire, Diamond's brother," I whispered softly, my voice choked with pain.

A look of shock appeared on Minako's face as she understood the meaning of my words. Suddenly, someone grabbed my shoulder, and I looked into Yaten's desperate green eyes. The silence around us grew heavier as I tried to withstand his intense gaze.

"Who is Diamond, and why did his brother shoot Seiya?" Yaten's voice trembled heavily.

The pain inside me became unbearable, and I felt everything clenching within. I struggled to meet Yaten's gaze. "Diamond was a friend, and his brother tried to kill me two months ago. He tampered with the brakes in my car," I confessed with a broken voice.

A heavy silence settled over us, only the soft sobbing and our heavy breaths were audible. Yaten looked at me in disbelief, also unable to say anything. There was a stifling silence between us, and in his eyes burned the question of why all of this happened. Only Mina's hand resting on mine gave me some strength.

"Why? Why did he try to kill you? Did Seiya know about him? About the danger?" Taiki pressed on. His words reflected a desperate search for answers; he needed to know why his brother was taken from life so suddenly. I understood him; I needed to know more too, whether I could have prevented it.

"No, I... I didn't want him to worry... He... he didn't know anything..." My voice broke again, and I could only sob, my tears had run dry.

My eyes were red and swollen from the countless tears I had already shed. But deep inside me, I carried another burden - the truth about the reason behind Saphir's actions.

I bit my lip, fighting the urge to speak the words. It was a tough decision because I knew his brothers had a right to know the truth. But I couldn't, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Minako sensed my internal struggles and held me even tighter. Her gentle voice whispered in my ear, "Usagi, you have to be strong. Seiya wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

I swallowed hard and tried to steady my trembling voice. "It's complicated, Minako. There are things I can't tell you, not yet at least. Please understand, I need to find out some things myself. I need answers, and when I have them, I'll tell you everything. Please give me some time; I have to process it all too... I love him so much."

Taiki gave me a skeptical look; he knew I was hiding something from him. Guiltily, I looked up at him, and then Taiki also sank to the ground, desperately holding his head in his hands. "I need to know what happened, that his..." Taiki's words were interrupted by a sob. He couldn't bring himself to say the word "death." We sat in silence on the hard floor in the hallway together.

Eventually, I stood up with weary legs and wiped the last tears from my face. "I have to go," I said softly, trying to strengthen my voice. "But thank you for being here. Just close the door when you leave."

I had made the decision to search for Haruka. She would surely be able to help me, to answer my remaining questions. After all, she was there. She was, as Diamond said, already on Saphir's trail the whole evening.

"Where are you going?" Mina asked softly.

"I'm going to find the answers I need," I said, breathing heavily.

I walked aimlessly through the streets. My eyes wandered through the crowd of people. Where could she be? Now I regretted not knowing where I had left my phone.

The sun slowly set on the horizon, and dusk settled over the city as I still unsuccessfully searched for her. The thought of going to Diamond crossed my mind, but the words I had thrown at him in the morning made me doubt. I didn't know if it would be the right thing to do now to go to him. The certainty that Seiya was gone forever weighed heavily on my heart. I had lost him, and the weight of this truth seemed to crush me.

I continued walking until I eventually arrived in front of the building where Seiya's apartment was... my apartment. I tilted my head back and looked up. Something in me wanted to stop searching for Haruka and crawl back under the warm covers, to Seiya's sweater that was probably still waiting on the bed. But an inner restlessness drove me forward. I needed to hear from Haruka what had happened.

I leaned heavily against the fence and clung to it desperately. The sharp pain that shot through my fingertips reminded me that I was still alive, that I was in reality. It was a painful anchor that pulled me out of my trance and brought me back to the here and now.

Suddenly, Haruka's voice reached my ear, "Hey, moon face. I've been looking everywhere for you."

My head snapped to the side, and there she stood. As always in her typical, masculine attire, my small black bag firmly in her hand. "You lost something yesterday," she said calmly and handed me the bag. For a brief moment, I hesitated, then I ran the few steps towards her and pressed myself into her arms. With her, I oddly felt safe.

"Calm down," Haruka whispered gently, stroking my hair.