Author's note: Never wrote a fanfic before. Just randomly wrote this while procrastinating with my thesis. Obviously, I don't own Twilight. Ignore mistakes. Let me know what you think, but full disclosure: I may not continue this. Who knows, if enough like it then maybe I will. Thanks for reading anyway.
No matter how many times she thought it through, Bella still didn't know what to do. She had gone through all the scenarios of calling Charlie, the Cullen's, and Jacob. She had even thought about Renee for split second. It was all no good. Charlie would quickly switch to Chief mode when he couldn't figure out how to handle it as a father. Edward was impossible. Just no.
Ever since he and the Cullen's had returned, Edward overcompensated in everything due to his guilt and no matter what he did or didn't do... it wasn't enough. It didn't stop what she felt, and it certainly didn't stop her nightmares of the screams and blood in Volterra. The child's eyes would haunt her forever.
The Cullen's abandonment would also haunt her forever. She still didn't blame them, but she just didn't really believe it when Edward said they wouldn't leave again. After all, it was just Edward saying that and he had lied before. The others just stayed for him. She was really nothing to them. She was nothing.
"Focus Bella," she told herself. That was entirely a separate issue. She couldn't call any of the other Cullen's for reasons mentioned and she hated the thought she might further burden them with her presence, though her heart secretly ached to confide in Carlisle and seek comfort in Esme's goodness.
And Jake... as soon as the Cullen's returned, so did Jake's iciness at any mention of them. Only it was worse, now he would get angry at HER for even mentioning them or for not mentioning them when he asked after her plans knowing that it concerned the Cullen's. Seeing the disappointment and anger directed at her was just too much, so she avoided him at all costs lately.
As for Renee, after Bella refused to go to Florida in her catatonic state, Renee took it personally and the gulf between them grew. Their calls turned to texts and then to emails and the last two she had sent had been months ago with no response. That line was done. In her heart she knew.
So, what to do? As much as she wanted to lose herself to her problem and seek the only solution, she knew would ease her pain entirely, she knew that she didn't want that, not really. But ending it all became increasingly alluring each day that passed.
She was careful, especially around Jasper. He never really had a good read with her, but he still knew what she had felt. Until recently that is. During their abandonment absence she was either in excruciating pain or numb, completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever. So, when she was at the Cullen's and Jasper was near her, which wasn't very often as he kept his distance as much as possible (who could blame him?), she focused on that feeling as much as possible. At first Jasper became curious but seemed to relax after discussing it with Edward and Carlisle... as if she wasn't there, because she really was not there, not to him, not to them. Just a problem forever needing solved. They concluded that it must be because she was calmer after their return. Again, she was the problem and they the solution.
But it was all so exhausting to keep up with. The numbness she brought to the surface should had freaked them out, but she was always the quiet little human reading books in the corner not bothering anyone while listening to Edward play. Little did they know the words on the page had long lost their meaning to her and Edward's music, which he has played as often as possible knowing that she had loved it so, pained her more that she could ever explain. Each note was like a needle to her heart, each press of a key a new lie, each song a facade. But she still went, she still sat in the corner, and she still listened. She knew if she didn't, she would not still be here. This constant pain was the only thing she felt, and it was keeping her alive.
Which brings us back to why Bella is here, sitting in the woods in the spot that started it all. The beginning of her desolation. In her pack she brought with her everything she would need for one of two things. She took them out one by one. There was a bottle of water, a bottle of pills that she had been prescribed in her catatonic state that she had never taken, and a razor if that didn't work. The other option she had was her cell phone and compass. She had to make a decision and she needed to do it soon. But she was afraid, if she made a decision to the former, then she would have to be quick because then Alice would know, and they might make it to her in time. However, if she made the decision to take her cellphone and compass and make her way back to the trail that would eventually lead her to home the Cullen's, then she knew it would change everything.
She couldn't hide it anymore. She was tired and had no strength left. But how could she put that to them when all it would prove was that she was weak and no good for him, for them. They would leave again and then she would die anyway. As she let the sorrow take hold, she suddenly didn't want to make the decision, she would leave it to them to decide her fate.
In what would only take less than two minutes she firmly concentrated on the decision she was making, opened both bottles and quickly as possible downed the water stopping only to add, a few pills at a time, three quarters of her prescription. She had done her homework and knew that it was enough to kill her, but it would be slower. She then sent a text to Rose, thinking her to be the only one to know the importance of not having her choice taken away "If you make it time, do what you will to save me using human means, but I trust that you will not let them make an eternal choice for me. I could not bear eternity now." Finally laying down and listened to the forest. It didn't take long for two things to happen, 1) she began feeling drowsy and slightly distant from her surroundings and 2) her phone to start ringing constantly, stopping only to start again.