LISA

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"Hey Lis." Mike slides up next to where I'm switching out an oil filter on a neon yellow Mustang.

I've been training with some of the mechanics doing basic maintenance, and while I wasn't really sure if I'd be any good at working on cars, I've actually found it comes pretty naturally.

I spoke to Devin yesterday about the possibility of training to become a certified mechanic and he seemed enthusiastic by the prospect. He even offered to pay for my certification and gave me the number to call to set it up.

I didn't necessarily envision this as my career path, but when you have the record I do, a lot of options are off the table. And I've made my peace with that. It may not be the most glamorous job, but it's an honest way to earn a living. And really, that's all I care about.

I want to stand on my own two feet, and for the first time in almost four years, help Jennie support our daughter. I know financially she doesn't need my help but that doesn't mean I don't want to contribute. Ellie is my daughter too.

"Hey." I straighten my posture, dropping the old oil filter into the drain pan on the floor next to me.

"It's been a hell of a day. I think I'm gonna hit up a meeting after work. You wanna come with?"

"Actually, I have dinner plans tonight," I say, unable to mask the smile that slides across my face.

"Oh yeah." He shoves my shoulder. "Who's the lucky lady?"

"Well, she's about this tall." I hold my hand up to my outer thigh. "Red hair. Blue eyes. The cutest fucking freckles you've ever seen."

"Do you have some kind of fetish I need to know about?" He jabs at me.

Up to this point I have yet to tell anyone about Ellie. I guess I needed time to process it on my own, before sharing it with other people. That, and I didn't know how any of it would play out. Truth be told, I still don't. But like my sobriety, I'm taking it one day at a time.

It's been nearly a week since I joined Jennie and Ellie at the park. And while I've tried to be patient, it's been a challenge to not hound Jennie to let me see her every five minutes. Although, she's been really good about letting me spend time with Ellie. It's normally only an hour or sometimes less, usually in the evenings, but at this point I'll take whatever I can get.

She's trying to acclimate me slowly and not overwhelm Ellie, and I get that. But I can't help but want to spend every single moment of every single day with her.

Right now I'm still her mom's friend, Wisa. But one day, I hope to hear that sweet little voice call me Daddy.

"Actually," I shift my weight, "she's my daughter."

I don't miss the look of surprise that crosses Mike's face.

"I didn't know you had a kid. Bobby never said anything about it."

The mention of my brother comes with an air of sadness. I miss him. Every fucking day. And I know how much he would have loved Ellie. Fuck, he probably would have spoiled her rotten. It kills me that he'll never get to meet her, but I hold some comfort in knowing that he's looking down on us and fucking happy as hell for me.

"I, uh, actually just found out last week."

"No shit?" He gapes at me. "How the hell did that come about?"

"Well, I've told you about Jennie."

"Yeah." He nods.

"What I haven't told you is that the reason she left me is because after I nearly killed her in a car accident, she found out she was pregnant. She knew she couldn't trust me anymore and in an attempt to keep our baby safe, she left."

Mike already knows about the accident, having attended a few meetings with me. I talk about my past a lot. It gives me an outlet to sort through a lot of the feelings that still plague me on a daily basis.

"And how did you find out about her?"

"Jennie told me. Well, after I kind of pieced it together. It's been a lot. Over the last week she's been letting me see her here and there. Fuck, my daughter's incredible. I never knew I could be so happy, yet so scared at the same time. I just want to put a bubble around her and protect her from… well, people like me." I grunt.

"Welcome to parenthood. You think it's bad now, just wait until she's a teenager. You worry about them more when they're older than you do when they are little."

"Don't tell me that. I'm already sick with worry as it is." I blow out a hard breath through my nose.

"You'll be fine, Lisa. If there's one thing I can say about being a parent, it's that you'll never do anything harder, or more rewarding, in your entire life. It's life changing."

"Fuck yeah it is. I've only known about her for a week and everything already feels different. It felt different the moment I laid eyes on her."

"Yep. That's how it happens. One day you're living one life. The next, you have this little human depending on you and suddenly all your priorities shift."

"I'm honestly still trying to wrap my head around all of it."

"So what about the girl… Jennie. Are you two a thing? I know you've been staying with her."

"Yeah." I shuffle my feet. "I guess you could say we are. Or at least, we're trying to be. So much shit has happened. It's kind of hard to erase everything I put us through and pick up where we left off."

"You shouldn't be trying to pick up where you left off. You're sober now, and a parent. Life is different. Therefore your relationship is bound to be different too."

"Yeah, that's true. I just really don't want to let her down. Either of them."

"Then don't."

"You say that like it's so simple."

"Nothing is simple. But if you want it bad enough, you can do it. Hell, we're both proof of that."

"I wish my brother was here."

"Me too, man." He clasps me on the shoulder. "Me too. Hell, he'd be giving you so much shit right now." He chuckles.

"Yeah, he would." I smile in spite of the pit in my stomach.

"I know it's not the same, but if you ever need to get some shit off your chest, outside of a meeting, I'm here. Whatever you need."

"I appreciate that, Mike. Thank you."

He nods. "Well, I guess I should get back to it. You enjoy dinner with your little lady tonight."

"Oh I will." I smile, watching him turn and head to the opposite end of the garage.

I turn my attention back to the car I'm working on but my focus is shit. I'm so anxious and excited about tonight that I feel like I'm about to crawl my way out of my own skin.

This will be the first time I've actually shared a meal with Jennie in years. God, I can't even remember the last time we sat across a table from each other. And knowing Ellie will be joining us makes it that much fucking sweeter.

My two girls. Cooking me dinner. Fuck, my heart is so full it feels like it might explode at any moment.

I know we have a long road ahead of us. And Jennie has been very upfront about how slow she wants to take all this. And I'm okay with that. Don't get me wrong, a part of me wants to propose marriage and move in with her tomorrow because I can't wait to start this new chapter of our lives together. But I know it's not that simple.

I hurt Jennie and I can still see it when she looks at me. She's scared I'm going to do it again. And I can't blame her. The only way I can curb her fear is by showing her that she has nothing to worry about. And the way I do that is by staying sober.

I swear I'm so fucking determined right now that even if someone prepped a needle for me and stuck it into my arm, I don't think I'd push the drug in. I have too much to live for now. A woman that I've loved over half my life. A daughter who, in the short time I've known her, has completely changed my world. And the possibility of a future I never thought I'd get.

Sometimes you just have to find the right perspective. Sure, I could have used Bobby's death as an excuse to slip. I could have allowed the darkness I felt, and still feel, take me under. How easy it would have been to lose myself to the high. To feel that familiar burn in my veins. But how could I do that when the thing I once craved so intensely is the thing that stole my brother from this earth?

At first it was for Jennie. Then it was for n Bobby. Now it's for the both of them, and my daughter.

Sobriety is a choice. And today, I choose to live my life of sound mind and body. I choose to kiss the girl I love and feel the softness of her lips rather than the numbness of the drugs. I choose to watch my daughter with clear vision and a full heart.

I choose this life.

And I'll continue to choose this life until the day my heart stops beating.

It's not just a promise to them anymore. It's a promise to myself. And it's a promise I have absolutely no intention of ever breaking.

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