JENNIE
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"What's this I hear about dinner with mommy's friend, Wisa?" Jisoo props a hand on her hip and hits me with a pointed look.
"I invited Lisa over for dinner tonight," I say, moving about the kitchen as I put groceries away.
Jisoo stopped by to drop off Ellie's stuffed elephant that she left there last night. Since I'm off for the next two nights, she knew Ellie would want it. Really I think she wanted a reason to grill me about Lisa.
I'll give her credit, she has been biting her tongue as of late. But after the altercation with JK, I knew it was only a matter of time before she couldn't keep her opinion to herself anymore.
"Jennie." She blows out a breath.
"Look, I already know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it. I love her, Chu. I never stopped loving her."
"You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that you've been holding onto this idea? That one day she would come back and everything would be the way it was supposed to be. But Jennie, are you sure this is the right move? What if she slips? What if she falls back into old habits? You barely survived the first time."
"I know it's a possibility. I'm not the same naïve teenager I used to be. I know who she is and what she's capable of. But I also know the good inside of her. I know the kind of girl she can be. The kind of girl she wants to be."
"I want to support you, I do."
"Then do it." I turn, balling a grocery bag in my hand.
"It's just… I'm worried about you."
"You don't have to worry about me. I know what I'm doing."
"And if this doesn't go the way you're hoping it does? Then what?"
"Then I'll deal with it when that time comes. But Jisoo, she's her father," I say in a hushed voice, pointing in the vicinity of Ellie's room where she's playing. "What kind of mother would I be if I at least didn't try?"
"Okay." She sighs.
"Okay?"
"Yeah, okay. Clearly your mind is made up. I can't say I agree, but I love you. And if this is what you feel like you need to do then I'll stand by you."
"You will?" I'm a little taken aback.
"Yes, I will." She rounds the island to stand in front of me. "You are like a sister to me. Hell, you are my sister. I don't want this to create a wedge between us. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me."
"Thank you." Emotion wells in my chest. "You have no idea how much that means to me. This isn't easy. Any of it. But it's what I feel like I have to do."
"I get it." She shrugs, not missing the look of disbelief that crosses my face. "What? Don't look at me like that. It's not like I don't understand. But it's my job to protect you."
"No, Chu. It isn't. I know you feel like it is. And there's no way I'll ever be able to thank you for everything you did for me and Ellie, for everything you still do. But we are not your responsibility. I'm sorry if I made you feel like we needed to be."
"I just need to know you're taken care of."
"I am. And while I know this situation is less than ideal, I truly believe it's the right thing. For all of us. If I didn't, I wouldn't be doing it."
"I know. And I trust your judgement. I just want you to be careful."
"I will. I promise." I snag her hand, squeezing her fingers.
"Okay then." She smiles. "Well, I guess I should get out of your hair. I'm going out with a few co-workers tonight and I need to get home and shower."
"A few co-workers?" I question.
"Yeah, a few people from sales. And JK," she tacks on.
"I see."
"That's okay, right? I know you two aren't necessarily on good terms right now but he's my friend."
"Of course it's okay. I'm just sorry is all."
"For what?"
"For everything. I hate that you feel stuck between the two of us."
"I don't. And I've already told JK that while he's my friend and I'll always be here for him, my allegiance lies with you. I didn't want him thinking he could vent to me and have me not take your side. Because Jen, I'll always be on your side."
"I love you." I squeeze her hand again before releasing it.
"I love you too."
"Now go, get out of here. Go have fun tonight. You deserve it."
"As do you." She turns, heading toward the front door. "And Jen," she pauses in the doorway, "for what it's worth, I really hope all this works out."
"Yeah." I force a smile. "Me too."
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"This is delicious, Jen," Lisa tells me, shoveling another bite of chicken parmesan into her mouth. "How did I not know you could cook like this?"
"Well, to be fair, I didn't used to. Jisoo. She taught me a few things. She's a master in the kitchen."
"Don't let me forget to thank her the next time I see her. Seriously, this is so good."
"Is it really that good or is it because you eat microwave meals and ramen noodles all the time?" I give her a knowing look.
"It's really that good." She grins and I get the familiar swirl in my stomach that I've gotten used to feeling over the last few days.
I can't explain it. Everything she does. Every smile. Every wink. Every crinkle of her forehead. It does something to me.
"What do you think, Ellie?" Lisa turns her attention to the little girl sitting at the head of the table on either side of us.
She answers by picking up a handful of noodles and shoving them into her mouth, her fork abandoned on the side of her plate. She smiles around her mouthful of food.
"There you have it. I think she loves it too." Lisa's gaze slides back to mine, her expression growing serious. "Thank you for this, Jen. Seriously. These last few days. Well, they've been the best of my life. And I owe it all to you."
"You did this. Not me. You did the work. You got clean. You've earned the right to be here. And for what it's worth, I'm really glad you are," I tell her honestly.
"Me too."
The remainder of our meal goes by with easy conversation and a lot of smiles and giggles, especially from Ellie. She adores Lisa; that much was clear from the get-go. And her fondness has only grown over the past week.
While I clean up, Ellie drags Lisa back to her bedroom to play. Even though Lisa wanted to help me, I insisted she go with her. She should have this time with her daughter. She's already lost so much.
I purposely take my time, washing and drying each dish before putting them away. My heart feels light. My spirits high. And the sound of Ellie and Lisa's laughter floating from down the hall sure doesn't hurt things.
I never thought I'd find this again. This peace. This comfort. And while yes, it's not without worry and uncertainty, I wouldn't change a single thing. I feel like after all these years we're exactly where we were always meant to be.
Once I'm done cleaning, I tiptoe down the hall and listen to Lisa and Ellie in her room. From the sound of it, they're having a tea party. That much is clear when I hear them clinking their tea cups with all of Ellie's friends—her stuffed animals.
When I peek my head into the open doorway, I have to cover my mouth with my hand to stifle a laugh. Lisa is all crunched up in a tiny chair, pinky up as she drinks imaginary tea from a white, flowery cup.
Ellie is wearing her plastic tiara, per usual, because she always has to be the princess. And she's somehow roped Lisa into wearing a top hat that is entirely too small for her. If I'm not mistaken, it actually belongs to one of her teddy bears. Regardless, Lisa looks adorable. They look adorable. And it's one of those moments I wish I could bottle up and keep forever.
When Lisa's gaze swings in my direction, she gives me a wide, child-like smile and leans into Ellie, whispering something into her ear. Her eyes come to me and she gives me a toothy grin.
"It would appear as though the queen has arrived," Lisa announces, pulling out the tiny chair next to her. "Sorry, Mr. Rabbit, but you have to drink your tea on the floor," she tells the stuffed animal, setting it on the floor to make room for me to sit.
"Mama needs her crown," Ellie announces, hopping to her feet right as I've sat down.
Moments later, she returns from her dress up chest with a gold, plastic crown. I lean forward and let her place it on top of my head.
We spend the next hour sipping pretend tea and talking in horrible British accents. I can't remember a time that I've laughed so much. It's been the best night. A perfect night, and when we finally tuck our little girl into bed just after nine, I find myself wishing I could make it last a little bit longer.
"Snug as a bug in a rug." I tuck Ellie's blanket tight around her little body, kissing her forehead the way I always do.
Lisa watches me from the opposite side of the bed. I can't quite read her expression, but if I had to guess, I'd say she's feeling a lot of what I am at the present moment.
I straighten my posture and look down at Ellie who immediately turns toward Lisa.
"Wisa, snug me." She holds her arms out.
"I think your mommy already did that." She points to the blanket tucked around her.
She wiggles around, tugging at the blanket until she's undone everything I just did.
"Snug me," she tells her again. Lisa looks at me and I nod, letting her know to go ahead.
Leaning down, she repeats the process, tucking the blanket tightly underneath her.
"Snug as a bug in a rug," she repeats, leaning forward to kiss her forehead the exact same way I did when I was done.
Tears prick the backs of my eyes. I can't help it. Nothing can explain what this feels like. How incredible it is to be here, like this, after all these years. I swear I think a part of me is dreaming and that any minute I'll wake up and none of this will be real.
"Goodnight, sweet girl." Lisa looks down at Ellie for a long moment.
"Goodnight, Wisa." She snuggles her elephant into her side. "Goodnight, Mama."
"Goodnight, baby." I slowly back out of the room, waiting until Lisa follows me into the hall before flipping off the light switch. Ellie's unicorn nightlight immediately kicks on, casting pink and purple unicorns across her ceiling.
Once I'm sure she's not going to get up, which she does quite often, I slowly pull the door closed, leaving it cracked just enough that she can still see into the hallway.
"I just can't get over how perfect she is," Lisa says as she follows me into the living room.
I take a seat on one side of the couch and she slides down next to me, dropping an arm around my shoulder before tugging me to her side.
"She's really taken a liking to you," I tell her, shifting to rest my hand on her stomach.
"Well the feeling is mutual." I feel her smile into my hair.
It feels so natural. Almost as easy as breathing. Like there hasn't been a day that has passed where we haven't done this very thing.
"Stay the night." I shift my gaze up to Lisa's face.
"You're sure?"
"I am." I press up, kissing her jaw.
"You realize if I stay, you won't be doing much sleeping." She gives me a knowing look.
"Oh my dear, Ms. Manoban. That's what I'm counting on."
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My eyes flutter open, the bright morning sun warming my face as I stretch out in bed. My hand instinctively goes to the right, where Lisa had fallen asleep the night before, but to my disappointment, I find myself in bed alone.
Sitting up, I throw my legs over the side of the bed and stand, grabbing my robe before heading to Ellie's room to check on her. She usually wakes me up as soon as she's awake, so I'm assuming she's still sleeping.
When I push open her bedroom door, I find her bed is empty seconds before I hear her laughter coming from the front of the house. Tightening my robe, I follow the sound.
When I round the corner into the kitchen, I see Ellie in her booster seat, stuffing her little mouth full of pancakes. My gaze shifts to the stove where Lisa is standing, a spatula in one hand and a heaping plate of pancakes in the other.
"Perfect timing," she announces. "Breakfast is ready." She sets the plate on the table, drawing my attention to the fact that it's already set with plates and silverware along with two fresh cups of coffee.
"You did all this?" I question, sliding down into the chair next to Ellie.
"Little Miss woke up pretty early. Thought I'd let you sleep in, so I asked if she was hungry. She was pretty insistent on pancakes." She chuckles. "Luckily, that's one thing I do know how to make."
"Lisa." I smile, looking around the table. "This is amazing. Thank you."
"It's the least I can do. Besides, it's your food. I just cooked it." She grins, taking the seat across from me.
"Mama, Wisa made pwancwakes," Ellie informs me excitedly.
"I see that, baby." I reach for my coffee.
"Two teaspoons of sugar and a lot of cream," Lisa tells me, gesturing to the cup in my hand.
"You remembered?"
"How could I forget? Every morning before school you had to stop by Pam's for a cup of coffee. And you always got it the same way."
"And you refused to get coffee." My eyes dart to her coffee mug which is filled to the top with steaming black liquid. "You always hated it."
"I did." She nods, picking up her own cup. "During my second stint in rehab, I got hooked on the stuff. Once I got past the horrible taste that is."
"Is that just straight black?" I ask, curling my nose.
"It is."
"Well that's your problem. That's nasty."
"Believe it or not, I actually quite enjoy the flavor now."
I crinkle my nose. "To each their own, I guess."
"I got milk." Ellie holds up her sippy cup, clearly just wanting to be part of the conversation.
"You did? Yummy." I reach forward and rustle her messy auburn curls.
"Wisa gave me the wellow cup."
"I see that. You love the yellow cup." I turn my attention back to Lisa. "Thank you for this. You really didn't have to do all this."
"I wanted to." She sips her coffee before setting the mug back onto the table. "I have to work this afternoon and I need to run a couple of errands when I get off. But I was hoping that when I get back I could stop by. It might be a little late."
"I'd like that." I take a drink of my own coffee. "What kind of errands do you have to do?" I'm asking to make conversation, but for some reason it feels like I'm questioning if running errands is actually what she's doing. Maybe it's because a part of me is. I've learned the hard way that not everything Lisa says is so black and white. At least it didn't used to be.
"I'm gonna stop by a meeting. Then I need to take care of a few other things."
"What kind of other things?"
"It's nothing really. Just something I want to take care of."
"You're being awfully cryptic." I can hear the accusatory tone in my voice.
"And you're asking a lot of questions," she counters, her irritation showing.
"Can you blame me?" As soon as the statement leaves my lips, guilt slams into me. I hate it. I hate that it has to be this way.
"No." She shakes her head. "I can't. But I will ask that you trust me. I know I haven't earned it yet, but I will. For now, just know that what I'm doing is for you and leave it at that."
"For me?" I question.
"Jennie."
"Okay, fine," I grumble, picking up my fork despite the fact that I have no food on my plate.
"Hey." She reaches across the table, her fingers skirting across the top of my hand. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm good. I promise. Hell, I'm way better than good. Right now, I feel about as close to perfect as I ever have."
"Me too."
"So, I'll take care of what I need to take care of and then I'll come by once I'm done."
"Okay." I reach to the center of the table and grab a pancake, dropping it onto my plate.
This is the part that scares me. The part where I'm expected to take her for her word and trust that she won't end up with a drink in her hand, or worse, a needle in her arm. But this is what comes with the territory.
I knew bringing Lisa back into my life would have its complications. I knew I would constantly be worried and looking over my shoulder. The difference is, I'm no longer questioning if it's worth it. I know it is.
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