JENNIE
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I've been waiting for hours for Lisa to show. She should have been home a long time ago. I'm honestly not sure what's keeping her and it's been hard trying to keep my mind from going to the worst-case scenario. I keep envisioning her lying on a couch somewhere with a needle in her arm.
I know it's not fair. She's given me no indication that she's even been tempted to use since she came here. But when she says she's going to run errands and come over after, but doesn't show, what the hell else am I supposed to think.
After pacing the living room for the better part of an hour, I decide to finally turn in for the night. Though I doubt I'll get even an ounce of sleep.
As soon as my head hits the pillow, I roll to one side and then to the other, trying to find a comfortable position. Eventually I end up on my back, staring at the dark ceiling.
I run through everything that's happened over the last few days. How happy I've been. How happy we both have been. I can't see her throwing that all away.
And yet, isn't that exactly what she did last time?
Have I been kidding myself into thinking she's actually changed? Have I been seeing what I want to see because I am so desperate to hold onto this ridiculous idea of us in my head?
At some point I finally doze off, though by the time I do it's well after three in the morning. I toss and turn for the next few hours, waking every few minutes to look at the clock.
When the sun starts to make its way through the blinds, I abandon any hopes of getting any real rest. Slipping on my robe and slippers, I peek in on Ellie, who's still fast asleep, before quietly exiting out the back door.
I know she's not home. I know it before I push the door open and am standing inside the empty, quiet space of the garage apartment.
"Where are you, Lisa?" I say out loud, my worry over her whereabouts skyrocketing.
Heading back into the house, I decide to call the shop. I doubt anyone is there this early but it's worth a shot. After looking up the number on the internet, I punch it into my phone and press my back against the kitchen island as it rings.
To my surprise after two rings, someone picks up.
"Vance's Auto," the deep male voice fills the line.
"Um, yeah, hi. I'm, um, I'm looking for Lisa Manoban."
"She's not here. Can I take a message?"
"Um, no. Can you just, uh, can you just tell me if you've seen her?"
"Can I ask who's calling?"
"Oh, sorry. This is Jennie. Jennie Kim."
"Jennie." I hear the recognition in the man's voice. "It's Devin. We met at Bobby's funeral."
"Devin. Right." I hadn't recognized his voice, but now that I know who I'm talking to, it seems so obvious. "I'm sorry to call so early. It's just… well, Lisa never came home last night and I'm a little worried."
A little? That's the understatement of the century.
"She was here yesterday afternoon. Left around six, I think. I haven't seen her since then."
"Okay, well thanks anyway."
"If you want to leave me your number, I'd be happy to give you a call if she turns up."
"Actually, that would be great. Thank you," I say, quickly rambling off my number.
I end the call a few seconds later, the nervous pit in my stomach twisting violently.
Before I even realize what I'm doing, I've punched in the number to the emergency room.
"Briar Memorial. This is Mina."
"Mina, it's Jennie," I rush out, knowing she knows who I am. We've worked together for the better part of a year.
"Hey, Jennie. What's up?"
"Have you been there all night?" I ask.
"I have. Just getting ready to head out. Why? What's going on?"
"I was wondering if you could tell me if you had any female patients come in last night. Mid-twenties. Brown hair. Blue eyes. Around six foot one. Probably one-eighty or so. Her name is Lisa Manoban."
"Um, not that I can recall. It was a pretty slow night. Hang on, I'll check the system." I hear her fingers clack against the keyboard as she checks the night's records. "Nope," she finally confirms. "We only had four patients come in. A thirty-six-year-old man. A forty-nine-year-old woman. A ten-year-old, and an infant. None of which are named Lisa Manoban. Why? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Everything is fine. Thank you so much for checking."
"Of course."
I quickly wrap up the call, feeling slightly better yet worse at the same time. Just because she didn't turn up in my hospital doesn't mean she didn't go to a hospital. Or worse, didn't make it to a hospital at all.
I shake off the thought. I can't think that way. And yet I can't help it either. What else could explain why she never came home?
Deciding I can't just sit here, I head down the hall and wake Ellie. After getting her dressed, and dressing myself, I feed her some breakfast and load her into the car.
I don't know what I hope to accomplish but I have to do something.
I drive through my neighborhood, scouring the streets for anyone that resembles Lisa. Given that it's still early, other than an older couple walking their dog, there isn't anyone out.
Next, I make my way to the church where I know Lisa attends meetings. Unfortunately, the front doors are locked and there doesn't seem to be anyone inside.
Defeated and honestly a bit panicked, I drive to Jisoo's house, praying like hell she's home.
When I pound on her front door less than fifteen minutes later, I'm relieved when she tugs it open. She doesn't look like she's fully awake, but the moment she catches the expression on my face, she quickly ushers me and Ellie inside.
"So you haven't heard from her at all?" Jisoo asks as she makes a pot of coffee, having listened to me ramble for the last five minutes.
"I don't think she has my number, so it's not like she could call if she were in some sort of trouble." I sigh, dropping my face into my hands. "I don't know what to do." I don't bother to disguise the fear in my voice. I honestly don't think I could if I wanted to.
"Hey." She steps in front of me, pulling my face away from my hands. "Everything is going to be okay. She probably just stayed at a friends or something." She attempts to make me feel better, but it only makes it worse.
"What friends?" I burst.
"I don't know. Maybe she crashed with one of the guys from the shop or something. Just because her boss hasn't seen her doesn't mean someone else hasn't."
She's not wrong, though the thought doesn't give me much comfort.
"Why would she do that though?"
"Hard to say." She shrugs, giving me an empathetic smile. "Maybe they went to a meeting and it ran late."
"That's not how meetings work. Besides, the place she goes to is less than a mile from my house. Why wouldn't she walk back home?"
"Honestly Jen, I don't know. I'm grasping at straws here."
"Can you keep Ellie for a little bit?" I ask abruptly.
"Of course. Why? What are you going to do?"
"Truthfully, I have no idea, but I can't stand around and do nothing. And I don't want to have to drag my poor girl all over god's green earth looking for her father who I'm worried has relapsed."
"Say no more. I've got her. You go. Do what you have to do." She lays a hand on my shoulder.
"Thank you. I'll call you as soon as I know anything." I spin around and take off out of her apartment like someone has set it on fire behind me.
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I head back to the house first. Maybe there's something in the apartment that can help me track down where Lisa is. When I pull into the driveway, I have the car door open before I've even turned off the engine.
I move with sheer determination. I have to stay focused. I can't let myself fall apart.
When I round the garage, my steps falter when I see that the apartment door is open and Lisa is standing inside, her palms pressed down onto the counter as she leans forward, her head dropped down slightly.
Relief floods through me at finding her, yet it doesn't erase the fear I feel.
"Lisa?" I question hesitantly, not really sure what I'm going to find when she faces me.
She jumps slightly at the sound of my voice before her tired gaze shoots to mine.
"Where the hell have you been?" I ask, suddenly out of breath for some reason.
"I can explain." Her voice is steady, even. She seems okay but I can't be too sure. She's fooled me before.
"Are you high?" If nothing more, I have to know if she relapsed.
"What?" She draws back like I've physically assaulted her. "No, of course not."
"Do not lie to me!" I scream, stomping my way toward her. I grab her chin, examining her face, her eyes, leaning in to make sure I don't smell any alcohol on her breath.
"What the fuck, Jen!" She shakes off the hold I have on her.
"Tell me the truth," I demand, completely invading her space.
"I'm not fucking high!" The boom of her voice has me taking a step back. "I'm not high," she repeats softer this time.
"Forgive me if I don't believe you."
"For fuck's sake, Jennie. I've had one hell of a fucking night. I do not need this right now."
"Well too bad. You know what I don't need? I don't need to be up all night worrying about you. To be calling emergency rooms to make sure that no one matching your description was brought in. To drag my daughter out of bed at the butt crack of dawn to drive all over town trying to find you. So forgive me if I don't give a shit about what you need right now!" I stomp my foot like a child. "Now tell me where the hell you were."
"Shit, Jennie. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry, and I certainly never wanted you to have to go looking for me."
"Where were you?" I repeat.
"Where's Ellie?" She looks around, as if just realizing I'm alone.
"She's with Jisoo. Now stop avoiding the question and tell me where you've been all night."
"I was in Parkview, okay?" She throws her hands up.
"Why were you in Parkview?" My suspicion continues to mount. Parkview, our hometown. The place where all her dealers and druggie friends live. What reason could she possibly have to go back there? "You know what, don't answer that. I already know why you were there." I don't want to hear whatever excuse she's about to tell me and make up my own conclusion instead.
"Jennie, you're being ridiculous. Let me explain."
"Oh, I'll let you explain alright. As soon as you take this." I push past her and tug open the bottom drawer next to the sink where I stashed a couple of drug test kits I got from the hospital just in case I ever needed them.
I pull one out and turn, waving it in front of her face.
"You want me to take a drug test?" She seems surprised and honestly, a little pissed.
"If you've got nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a big deal." I press the kit into her chest and wait for her to take it.
"Wow." She steps back, shaking her head from side to side. "I knew you didn't trust me, but I didn't realize your mistrust ran so deep."
"Well you have yourself to blame for that." I point to the bathroom. "Now go. And don't even think about closing the door."
I'm being crazy. I know that. But I've been burned by this girl one too many times to take her at her word. Maybe had I been more insistent the last time, I wouldn't have almost died. I won't apologize for protecting myself, and I most certainly will not apologize for protecting my daughter.
"You know what, you want me to take this?" She waves the test in my face. "Fine, I'll fucking take it." Her nostrils flare as she spins on her heel and takes off into the bathroom.
I watch her closely as she rips open the test, pulls out the cup, and pees into it. Twisting the cap back on, she turns around, slamming it onto the counter moments later.
"There's your fucking test. And while I'm at it, here's this too." She digs into her pocket and pulls something out, shoving it into my hand.
I look down at the woven thread and pearl beads, my heart sinking into my stomach when I realize what it is.
"My grandmother's bracelet." I choke around the words. "How… How did you get this?"
My grandma made me this bracelet when I was eleven. It's the last thing she ever gave me before she died. I used to wear it every day. I never took it off. But when I woke up in the hospital the day after the accident, it was gone. And it wasn't with any of my belongings that I had been brought in with, so I assumed it was among the wreckage and I held no hope of ever seeing it again.
"After the accident, and you left town, I went back to the sight of the crash. I don't know why or what I hoped to find. Almost everything had been cleared away. There were some small scrapes of metal and broken glass on the side of the road but that was it. And then, just as I was about to leave, I looked down and I saw that bracelet." Her voice still has a dark edge to it, and I know without a doubt that I pushed too hard. That I came at her without giving her even a second to explain. "I left it in the treehouse. In the little metal box you kept on the shelf. The other day I saw Ellie had one almost exactly like it. I assumed you made it for her. And then I remembered I still had yours. I thought maybe you'd like it back. That's why I was in Parkview. I didn't know if it would still be there after all this time, but it was."
"But Lisa, you were gone the entire night."
"I was, because I took the bus and by the time I made it back to the station, there were no more buses going to Briar until morning. My phone was dead. And there isn't a single person in that town I felt like I could go to. So, you want to know where I was all night? I was sitting on a bench at a vacant bus stop."
"All night?"
"All night. And you know what, at the time I thought it was worth it. Now, I'm not so sure."
"Lisa." I grab her arm when she pushes past me, but she easily shakes off my grip.
"You know the worst thing about all this, Jennie." She pauses right inside the open doorway and glances back at me. "Is that you didn't even give me a chance to explain before you assumed the worst. Run your fucking test." She gestures to the kit sitting behind me on the counter. "We both know you're going to anyway." With that, she turns and quickly exits the apartment.
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"So let me get this straight. She took a bus all the way to Parkview just to get your old bracelet?" Jisoo asks from where she's sitting on the opposite end of the couch, her body angled toward me.
She brought Ellie home for me after I gave her a condensed version over the phone, knowing she'd want all the details once she got here.
"Yep." I run my finger along the woven thread now back where it belongs on my left wrist. It's strange. In a way it feels like it's been there this whole time.
"That's oddly sweet." I can tell she doesn't want to admit it, but the gesture is not lost on her. She knows how close I was to my grandma and how much I cherished this bracelet.
But it's not even about the bracelet. It's about Lisa and what she was trying to do for me. Which only intensifies the guilt weighing so heavily on my chest that it feels difficult to take an actual breath.
"And she didn't call when she got stuck there, why?"
"She said her phone died. And since I don't have her number, I couldn't call her, not that it would have done me any good if what she's saying is true."
"And you believe her?"
I shrug. "I made her take a drug test," I admit, not entirely proud of myself.
"Holy shit. How did that go over?"
"Well, she's not here, is she?" I gesture around the room.
"So not good then?"
"She took it and stormed out. I haven't heard anything from her since."
"And?"
"And what?"
"Did she pass?"
"She did." I nod slowly. "Though I'm not sure it really matters at this point."
"Don't say that. It's only been a few hours. Maybe she just needs a minute."
"Maybe."
"Jen, after the hell you two have been through, I highly doubt she's going to let something like you making her take a drug test derail all the progress you two have made."
"I don't know. You didn't see the look on her face. It was like she didn't even recognize me."
"I'm sure she was upset. Who wouldn't be? But you asking that of her isn't unreasonable. You have a daughter to protect. I, for one, am very proud of you for having the courage to do that. I know it couldn't have been easy."
"No. It certainly was not." I blow out a breath. "Hey Chu, if you don't mind, I think I need to try to get some rest." I don't want to be rude, but right now I want to crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep.
"You want me to stay? I can get Ellie to bed for you?"
"No, you don't have to do that. I've got it."
"Okay." She pushes to a stand at the exact same moment I do. "You'll call me if you need anything?"
"I will." I walk with her to the front door before tugging it open.
"She'll come back, Jen. You'll see." She squeezes my forearm before stepping onto the front porch.
I throw her a little wave when she reaches her car before closing the door and locking it behind me.
Heading down the hall to Ellie's room, I push open her door to find her sitting on her bed reading a book. Obviously, she has no idea what the words on the page say, but she likes to look at the pictures and tell her own story based on what she sees.
"Hey, baby." I give her a soft smile. "What do you say to a sleepover in my room tonight?" I ask.
Her eyes light up and a big smile pulls up her little cheeks. Without a word, she climbs off her bed and starts grabbing as many stuffed animals as she can fit into her arms.
I don't generally let her sleep in my bed because I don't want to make it to where she won't sleep in her own, but tonight I feel like I need to be near her.
It's a little earlier than her normal bedtime, but not too early that I think either of us will have any trouble falling asleep, especially given how mentally and physically drained I feel.
"We're ready," she announces seconds later, sliding past me in the doorway as she carries her elephant, Scooter the giraffe, and Piper the panda across the hall into my room.
A few minutes later we're tucking under my blankets, Ellie's small little frame turned into mine as she sleeps peacefully. I knew it wouldn't take her long, but I didn't expect her to be asleep five minutes after her head hit the pillow. Guess she was tired too.
I stare up at the dark ceiling, my fingers sliding through Ellie's soft curls as I think back to everything that happened today.
I want to believe that I wasn't in the wrong. That I did the right thing in asking her to take that test. But even I have to admit that the way I went about it wasn't right.
She was right when she said I didn't give her a chance to explain. I was so sure that I knew the truth – my belief fueled by fear – that I wouldn't listen to a word she had to say.
I'm not proud of how I behaved. Honestly, I'm downright ashamed. But the end result likely would have been the same no matter how I approached it. I would have asked her to take the test regardless of where she had been. And maybe that's controlling of me, but when it comes to the well-being of my daughter, there isn't a line I won't cross. Screw hurting someone's feelings. That's the least of my concerns.
But still, she went out of her way to do something kind for me, ended up spending the night on a bus bench to make it happen, and I repay her by attacking her and making accusations I had no right to make.
Maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe this was never going to work. No matter how happy she makes me, the doubt will always be there, nagging me in the back of my mind. I'll always jump to the worse-case scenario. I'll always think of the bad times. I don't see how that is ever going to change. And Lisa deserves more than that. She deserves someone who will love her for who she is now and not judge her on who she used to be.
As impossible as it feels, I think it's time to let the dream of us together go. No matter how much it may hurt, I think in the long run it's what's best for everyone.
"Mama," Ellie grumbles, tossing her little arm across my stomach.
"Go back to sleep, baby," I whisper, not sure what might have woken her.
"Mama, where's Wisa?" The tears I've been holding back break free, sliding silently down my cheeks.
It takes me a few seconds to pull myself together enough to answer her without giving away that I'm crying.
"She went to stay with a friend," I tell her, not sure what else to say.
"Is she coming back?"
"I'm not sure." My voice breaks.
"I hope she does. Elephant likes her a lot."
"You like her too, huh?" I smooth my hand over her hair.
"Uh huh." She yawns.
"Ellie, can I tell you something?" I don't wait for her to answer before continuing, "Lisa isn't only mommy's friend." I pause, swallowing hard. "She's your daddy."
"My daddy?" I feel her little head pop up, but because it's dark I can't make out her face.
"Uh huh." More tears slide down my face. "What do you think about that?" I ask.
"Can I call her Daddy instead of Wisa?" she asks, her young innocence such a blessing in this moment.
She doesn't realize what a big deal this is. At this point, she's still so young that she's never asked about her father. Though I'm sure one day she would have. It's easier if I tell her now. Because right now, all she sees is the good and none of the bad. And I want her to see the good.
"Yes, baby." I kiss the top of her head when it settles back down on my chest. "You can call her Daddy."
She doesn't say anything else and after a couple of minutes I can tell she's drifted off again.
My tears fall harder. The reality of our situation seeming to take hold.
I fought so hard for a life I thought I wanted, yet the minute it's within my grasp, I let it slip right through my fingers.
I don't deny that maybe Lisa would be better without me. Hell, maybe I'd be better without her. But in this moment, it sure doesn't feel that way. In fact, it feels like Earth is about to open up and swallow me whole. The only thing tethering me in place is the precious little girl in my arms.
At the end of the day, she is what matters most. And as long as I have her, I know I'll be able to find my way. No matter what happens next.
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