LISA
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"Morning, sunshine." I jump at the sound of the office door slamming shut, peeling my eyes open to see Devin take a seat behind his desk.
"Mornin'," I grumble, forcing myself to sit up. Rubbing my eyes with the backs of my hands, I let out a loud yawn. "What time is it?"
"Just after seven."
"The shop doesn't open for another three hours. What the hell are you doing here so early?" I ask.
"I always come in this early." He lifts a travel mug, no doubt filled with coffee, to his lips and takes a small sip. "How'd you sleep? For an old lumpy couch, that thing's not too bad."
"I've definitely slept on worse," I admit. "But the real question is, why have you slept on it?"
"I've had a time or two where the old lady didn't give me much of a choice." He grins.
"Thanks for letting me crash here, by the way." I swing my legs over the side of the couch, turning my head from side to side to pop my neck.
"Not a problem. But you know, eventually you're going to have to talk to her." He doesn't need to elaborate. I know exactly who he's referring to.
"I know. I'm just not sure what there is left to say."
"Look, Lisa." He sets his cup on his desk and leans forward on his elbows. "It's been almost a week. And while I don't mind you staying here, you know you can't do it forever."
"I know." I let out a slow breath.
I owe Devin a lot. More than I could ever repay him. He gave me a job. Paid for my brother's funeral when I couldn't. And when I showed up here a few days ago asking for a place to stay, he didn't hesitate to help me out. Had it not been for him talking me down, then Mike dragging my ass to a meeting, I honestly don't know where I would have ended up. I was so pissed at Jennie, but truthfully, I was more pissed at myself. Because ultimately it's my actions that landed me in this position. The mistrust, the doubt. I planted all of that there. And now the roots have grown so deep, I'm afraid there's no way to pull them out of the fucking ground.
"I don't mean to overstep, and perhaps it's not my place, but you're not going to solve anything by hiding out here. You need to talk to her, work this shit out. If you don't, you'll never forgive yourself."
"And what if it's over? What if my mistakes are too much for us to get past?"
"Do you think they are?"
"I didn't. But now I'm not so sure."
"Well, there's only one way to find out. If it's over, I'm sure it'll hurt like hell, but at least you'll have your answer. I know firsthand that even the worst outcome is better than living in limbo."
"Yeah," I grunt, knowing he's right.
"As much as I love seeing your pretty face every morning…" He grins.
"You want me to get the fuck out," I finish his sentence, with no real clue if that's what he was going to say.
"I wouldn't have put it like that, but yeah, let's go with that." He chuckles. "Go see her, Lis. Talk to her. Figure this out before it eats you alive."
"Okay," I reluctantly agree, knowing I need to bite the bullet eventually.
"But first, your ass has a shift. I've got two cars coming in first thing. The papers are at the service desk. After you've showered," he gives me a knowing look, "go ahead and pull the parts we'll need."
"Is that your way of saying I stink?" I arch a brow in his direction.
"I wouldn't say stink." He laughs. "But maybe a hot shower and a comb would do you some good." He gestures to my hair, which is no doubt sticking up every which way.
I'm a fucking mess. The truth is, I have been since I left Jennie's house last week. I can barely find the motivation to eat let alone worry about my hygiene. I did sneak over to the apartment to grab some clothes when I knew Jennie would be at work. It felt weird being there.
Thank fuck there's a small bathroom attached to Devin's office. The shower is about the tiniest damn thing I've ever seen, but it will serve its purpose.
"Yeah, yeah, say no more."
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My stomach is twisted in nerves as I climb the front steps of Jennie's porch. I walked here from work. It felt good to be out in the fresh air, and it gave me time to think about what I am going to say.
Sure, I'm upset with the way she reacted, but I shouldn't have blown up at her the way I did. I can't deny that if the roles were reversed, I would have done the exact same thing she did.
Did it hurt? Fuck yeah, it did. But what hurt more was realizing how little she trusts me. Not that I can blame her for that. I know this is on me, not her.
I ball my fists together as I reach the front door, digging the tips of my fingers into my sweaty palms.
Fuck, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Then again, that's not entirely true. Because if I had thought it would be easy, it wouldn't have taken me almost a week to man up and face her head on.
I lift my balled fist, rapping lightly against the door. It's not long before I hear a commotion inside, the sound of little feet padding across the hardwood floor. My heart lurches, like it's physically being pulled toward the sound of my daughter drawing near.
Moments later, the door swings open and I'm hit with a toothy grin.
"Daddy!" Ellie squeals.
I have to grip the side of the doorframe to keep myself upright. Did she just call me daddy?
Before I have a chance to even process, a flushed faced Jennie comes into view.
"Ellie, what did I tell you about answering the door?" she scolds, stopping dead in her tracks when she catches sight of me.
"But it's Daddy." Ellie claps her little hands, bouncing up on the balls of her feet.
"Yes, I see that." Jennie swallows hard before dipping down so that she's eye level with Ellie. "Why don't you go finish cleaning up your toys and let me talk to your daddy for a minute?" she asks sweetly, keeping her gaze trained on our daughter.
"But… But…" Ellie starts to object.
"No buts. Go." Jennie is stern but gentle.
Fuck me, she's such a good mom. I always knew she would be. Lord knows she had a lot of practice with me.
It's sad to think about it that way, but how can I not? In a lot of ways I was like a child that she had to care for.
"Mama!" Ellie whines, the sound falling from her lips when Jennie narrows her gaze at her. "I don't want to clean." Ellie spins around and makes a show of stomping loudly down the hallway.
"I don't think she's very happy right now," I needlessly point out, feeling like I have to say something.
"Yeah, well, I'm used to it at this point." Jennie straightens. "What are you doing here Lisa?" she asks.
"I…well, I was hoping we could talk. Can I come in?" She hesitates for a brief moment before stepping to the side to let me enter. She closes the door behind me and heads toward the kitchen without a word.
There's chicken frying in one pan and what looks like a vegetable medley simmering in the other. She crosses to the stove and pushes the chicken to the back burner before turning off the heat. When she turns back to face me, I'm not sure who seems more nervous. Her or me.
"Ellie called me daddy." The words catch in my throat, emotion bubbling in my chest. "You told her I'm her father."
"I did." She nods slowly.
"Why?"
"Because she deserves to know. You are her father."
"I never thought I'd hear her call me daddy. I just… it's got me a little choked up."
"You love her." It's not a question, she already knows I do.
"More than anything."
"Which is why I told her. I want you in her life, Lisa, even if you're not in mine."
Her words slam into me like a thousand-pound weight.
"Jen…" I run a hand through my hair. "I'm so sorry about the other day. I was…."
"No," she cuts me off, "I'm sorry. I had no right to come at you the way I did." Her chin quivers as she speaks.
"You had every right, Jen. Every right. After everything I put you through, for me to disappear for an entire night…what did I expect you to think? Hell, I would have thought the same thing."
"You were trying to do something nice for me, and I repaid you with accusations and assumptions."
"But they were fair."
"Then why did it take you nearly a week to come back?" I can see the emotion she's trying to hold in. Read the hurt that's written all over her face.
"Because I didn't think you'd want to see me," I admit. "The way I acted. How I stormed out. After everything you've done for me, you didn't deserve that. You've given me so much. A life. You've given me my life back, Jen. I love you. And I can't do this without you. I don't want to."
"You know, I've spent the last few days thinking about our past. Thinking about everything we've been through. We've had some amazing moments. We've had some really bad ones too." I grimace, knowing I'm the one who caused them. "And as much as I want this, Lisa, and trust me I do, I'm not sure if it's what's best."
"What do you mean?" Panic seizes my joints, making me stiff as a board.
"So much has happened. There's so much hurt and distrust. I don't know how we can get past it. When I look at you, I see the girl you're trying to be, but I also see the girl you were. I see the person who lied to me for years. Who kept secrets from me. Who betrayed me in every sense of the word. You deserve to be with someone who looks at you and only sees who you are now. Not someone who judges you based on your past. How can you ever truly be happy if that distrust is always hanging over you? And I'm afraid with me, it always will be."
"But I want it to be." I move closer toward her. "Don't you see that? I need someone who sees me for me. Not just the good parts now, but all the bad and ugly parts too. I need someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will challenge me and push me and not let a single thing slip through the cracks. I need you, Jennie. I always have."
"You say that now but what happens when something like this happens again?"
"It won't."
"It will. I don't want you feeling like you have to answer for yourself every time you're running a few minutes late or if you need to go do something. Your life shouldn't feel like a prison."
"I don't feel like I'm living in a prison, Jennie. The opposite actually. With you I feel free. Free for the first time in such a long fucking time. I finally see the life I always wanted. It's so close. All I have to do is reach out and take it. I want that life, Jen. And I want it with you and with our daughter."
"I'm scared." The vulnerability in her expression damn near brings me to my knees.
"Oh, baby." I close the remaining distance between us, pulling her into my arms. "I'm scared too," I whisper into her hair, my entire body coming to life when her arms wrap around my middle. "But a life without you is so much scarier. You're all I want. All I've ever wanted." I pull back just enough so that I can look down at her beautiful face. "We're going to hit bumps along the way. I can't promise you perfection. But what I can promise you is complete and total honesty. I swear to you, right here and now, that I will never lie to you again. I will never hide anything from you. And if I feel weak, I'll find comfort in you. In meetings. In following the program. I want you to have the best of me, Jennie. Because that's what you deserve. The very best. I know I'm not the safe choice, but I am the right one. Deep down I think you know that too." My hands slide up to cup her face. "I love you, Jennie Kim. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you, and I will love you until my last breath. No matter what you decide, nothing will change that."
"I want this so badly." A tear slides from the corner of her eye. "It's all I've wanted. But…"
"But nothing. You love me too. We both know you do. Take this ride with me, babe. Please. Give me the life we spent all those years dreaming about. Get out of that pretty little head of yours and listen to your heart. What does it say?"
"That I love you." She gives me a watery smile as another tear breaks free.
"It's you and me against the world, Jen." I remind her of what she used to always say to me when we were younger.
"You and me, Jenlisa." She nods, pressing up on the balls of her feet to kiss me.
I relish in the feeling. Fuck. Her kiss literally breathes air back into my lungs. This. This is what I was born to do. To love Jennie. To kiss her. To be the girl I promised her a very long time ago that I would be. She deserves so much more than I'll ever be able to give her, but fuck me if I won't do everything in my power to be everything she needs and so much fucking more.
As much as I want to stay right here in this moment, it's short-lived as the pitter patter of Ellie's little feet come running into the kitchen. I release my hold on Jennie and step back, swooping Ellie up into my arms before tugging Jennie back to me. With one arm around my daughter and the other around my girl, all I want to do is hold onto this moment forever and never let it go.
It's all I want. It's all I've ever wanted. And no matter what life throws our way, I will fight for this until my dying breath. My family. They are all that matters. This is all that matters. And I will never lose sight of what matters ever again…
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