Title: After All This Time
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 8.3k
Summary: See, you've never really been one for bright ideas. Sure, you're phenomenal at revenge plans and being a total bitch, but when it comes to genuinely decent ideas, you're lacking to say the least. But this one? This one could actually work.
Notes: I know I've been shit, I apologis. Enjoy!
/
When you get downstairs, you find Puck leaning against the apartment building, foot pressed to the brick wall with a cigarette between his lips.
You don't understand why he's here – it's not like you spent a lot of time with him this time round; you barely spoke to anyone bar Brittany, really – but you still smile at him as he blows out the smoke and stamps out the stick on the floor. Cassie grins dopily at him, Mercedes wrinkles her nose up and shoves the blonde towards him and you shake your head as you head over with Cassie and cock your head to the side.
"What are you doing here, Puckerman?"
He grins widely and looks over his shoulder down the street, and you see a group of people wandering over, finding it to be the entire film crew. Kurt, Artie, Dani, Spencer, Sugar, Sam… Even Holly's here and your heart swells as you realise all your friends have come to say goodbye to you. It's weird, but it's nice. The last time you didn't get to say goodbye to anyone bar Kurt, Artie and Brittany, mostly because you were so caught up in saying goodbye to the blonde and figuring out that you could be friends, even if it's turned out you can't, that you just sort of forgot.
You're kind of an asshole. You need to work on that.
"Everyone's come to say goodbye," he finally replies as the group joins him, all stood around with wide smiles and you feel heat prickle at the back of your eyes, but you roll them to hide it. Brittany sees it though, pressing her lower hand to your back and you whip your head around to her, quirking a brow, asking if she knew they'd be coming. She just lifts a shoulder, but there's still a sadness in her eyes and it distracts you from beaming that she's the one that probably planned this. It's got Brittany written all over it and the small smile that twitches at the corners of her lips confirms that.
"That's sweet, guys," you get out through a strained throat, returning your vision to the group.
"They're here to say goodbye to us, too, you know," Mercedes chimes in and everyone laughs as they begin hugging each other.
You watch Cassie embrace Puck for too long, and Artie go all dopey when Cassie kisses him on the cheek. You smile as Mercedes hugs Kurt, screams with Sugar and winks at Sam, and they exchange numbers and social medias, and you inhale deeply, looking at everyone you love bond in their farewells. Coming back here with your city friends was a risk, but it seems it paid off and you think life won't be so bad if you've got approval from your boss with your hometown friends as then you can persuade her to let you come back more often, and maybe she can even come and eventually fuck Puckerman.
But then it's your turn, and you hug them all in turn, being stopped the first time by Puck who smells like cheap liquor and cigarettes, and you scrunch your face up as it's pressed to his leather jacket, wishing he'd choose something other than skunk spray for cologne. The guy could use some serious fashion skills and you're shocked Kurt hasn't taken him over as some sort of project because if he put effort in, Puck could be hot.
You don't even get to voice that to him before his strong hands are on your biceps as he pulls out the hug and he stares down at you, and you see a seriousness in his face that you're not used to.
"You're coming back, right?"
You nod, knowing that it'll be as soon as physically possible, if you have any say in it. "Yeah, of course," you reply, trying not to glance at Brittany who's still beside you, and still being weirdly quiet. "As soon as Cassie lets me," you point your head toward the blonde who's hugging Kurt and Puck smirks, following your line of sight.
"Maybe I can persuade her," he waggles his eyebrows, and you scoff at him, batting his shoulder away but he just laughs throatily, and his shoulders shake as he releases you. "But seriously, Lopez… Call me if you ever need picking up from the airport," he adds and it's a weird thing to say, but it's kind of him so you just smile thankfully. He did come to New York to find you with Artie, so it's not a totally random offer.
Still, he takes his cue to leave, and you hug Spencer, then Sam, then Holly until you're left with only Dani (bar Brittany) to say goodbye to, and she steps forward, smiling softly and you kind of regret not spending more time with her. Once upon a time, she was very supportive and understanding and you think you could be good friends in another life. Not friends like you are with Brittany, even if it was potentially heading there at one point, but genuine friends and you suck your lips into your mouth as her arms wrap around you.
"Don't wait too long to come back," Dani whispers in your ear, too low for anyone else to hear and you reel back, tilting your head to the side. That's the second cryptic thing someone's said to you – the first being Puck – and you glance around the circle to see several pairs of eyes dart away from you, like they're trying not to look.
What the fuck is going on?
"I won't," you shrug and try to seem as normal as possible. You don't want to leave, so you can't think about having to come back yet. One thing at a time. "Puck's gonna persuade Cassie, apparently," you add with a slight laughter to your tone and Dani breaks a smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
Her vision shoots to Puck, who meets her stare like he heard what you said and frowns, but it doesn't pass your notice that he shakes his head slightly and you're hit with intrigue and confusion. Why did he shake his head? Why would he need to say no to Dani? She didn't even say anything?
"Are you sure you have to go now?"
Again, it's cryptic and you glance around the circle, feeling like you're the only one not knowing what the fuck is going on. Yeah, you have to go because you have a life in New York and you thought everyone was coming to say goodbye, not to question why you're going. Had you known you'd have Puck get all weird and Dani ask you shit like this, for whatever reason, you probably would've just skipped out like you did the last two times.
Asshole way of doing things, but you don't need this pressure. It's already taking everything you have inside of you not to go to that fucking airport because Brittany's still looking at you, along with everyone else, stood beside Kurt who's got his arm around her. That's the second person that's done something like that; that last time Nancy was the one side-hugging the blonde and you don't get why she needs to be consoled. If she wanted you to stay, she could just say so. You'd probably say yes, regardless of what Cassie said.
"Dan, don't," comes from the side and you slide your eyes to the right, finding the source of the voice to be Sam.
What the fuck is he getting involved for? What are you missing? And more importantly, why is everyone freaking staring at you like you've grown another leg?
"Why don't we let Santana and Brittany say goodbye, and we can go over here," Kurt chimes in quickly, drowning out the words Sam just said, ushering everyone away by waving his arms and you're still super fucking confused, but then Brittany's taking a step towards you, and you're pulled away from that entirely as the group disperses, all focus zoned in on the blonde as you're left alone on the sidewalk.
She sucks her lips in, inhaling shakily and you can see a million things in her eyes. You can see a hundred things she hasn't said, and you want to grab her by the hands and yank on them like a petulant kid until she just spills the truth, but if she isn't, there must be a reason. You know her better than you know yourself, and your well-being has always been at the forefront of your best friends mind, even when you doubted it, so you know there's got to be a fucking good reason as to why she isn't demanding you stay.
It's not like you're moving halfway across the world, but it sure fucking feels like it right now. It feels like there's going to be oceans between you instead of just states, and that's not the best situation that could have happened with this, but the one you're leaving with is a good one. You got your best friend back, and maybe had sex a couple times in between and almost spilled out that you're madly in love with her still, but you got what you came for and that's a life you could live.
The one without her fucking sucked and you know that it's easier this way. That life didn't have your friends in it either, as they were stark reminders of her and that was just too painful to endure and this life, you get the best of both worlds. You don't get what you desperately yearn for, but it's good enough.
Maybe that's why she isn't asking you to stay.
You're not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.
"Will you call me when you land?" Brittany gets out, sniffling away the tears she's trying not to release but you know they're there.
"Yeah, sure," you whisper, voice breaking so you bob your head to back up your words and she reaches out for you, grabbing at the hand that you try to wipe a tear away with.
She takes it in hers, the same with the other and your arms swing between you gently as you drink in the final sight of her. This is the last image of her you're going to have, and you don't want to see the red-rimmed eyes or the sadness behind them flashing in your mind when you go to sleep tonight, alone in your bed, in your room, in your apartment, in another city. You don't want to feel like leaving is the wrong thing to do even if every part of you is screaming that it is, because if it was important enough, Brittany would stop you.
And that's the only thing you're hanging on to.
But it still feels like you need to check if you're good. Even if you both got what you wanted – a rekindled friendship – you know the moments you've shared alone aren't platonic and this doesn't just feel like another goodbye to a friend. It's the total opposite and that's what you'll be thinking about when you go to sleep alone. That's what will run through your mind, but you need to affirm that with her, just one last time. You feel like you've asked this question and heard it a thousand times today.
"We're good, right?" You ask, super fucking quietly even though no-one's crowding around you anymore and your eyes narrow, like you're two seconds away from shutting them in case she takes all this progression back.
Blue eyes flit over your shoulder, to the group a distance away before returning to you, and it's one of the longest pauses of your entire life. Mostly because even when she looks at you, she's still not answering and you shift your weight from one leg to the other, fully prepared to bolt off into the cab and letting your city friends find their own way to the airport if this goes wrong. If anything other than yes leaves her mouth, you think you'll die.
You're not even being melodramatic.
It's only been about 15 seconds of silence, but it's an answer you need to know because if she can't do this, be friends like this for whatever reason, you have to know now, then you won't plan your next return and instead focus on moving on. Not that you've done that in four months and seeing as then you didn't have super fresh memories of kissing her, falling asleep with her, and all the other things you did back then, this time it'll be near impossible.
Because that's really the only other explanation here. If Brittany isn't feeling the way you do, and can't be friends, then you'll have to live without her. That's an angle you hadn't considered, so wrapped up in being convinced that she loves you back when there is still that possibility she doesn't and just doesn't know how to say it.
Fuck. You don't even know. You just know you need her to speak.
Which… She does.
It's just not what you wanted to (really) hear.
"Yeah," Brittany gets out through a single breath, more of a gasp than anything and you watch her inhale deeply, squaring her shoulders as her hands squeeze around yours gently. "I got my best friend back," she follows, equally as breathy and something cracks inside of your chest.
You really wanted to hear six different words.
She doesn't give you a moment to process, instead dropping your hands and flinging her arms around your neck, squeezing as tightly as possible. Instinctively, your arms go around her waist and you sink into the embrace, but you're caught off guard by how hard she's squeezing you. Back when you were teenagers, she used to hug you like this when her excitement couldn't be contained – like on her birthday or Christmas morning – but you know it's the middle of September and this is definitely not something to be excited about.
You two have hugged a thousand times, with arms around each other awkwardly and sometimes just the one arm – you dislocated your shoulder wrestling back in high school – and you've been there when her grandad died and when her first cat died, too. You've had the happy hugs, the sad ones, the slumped over drunk-out-her-mind hugs after you picked Brittany from some party you didn't go to, but you've never had this one.
It's like she doesn't want to let you go, even though the words and not the action, would do a great job of doing it instead, and you have so many questions you want to ask her, but the most prominent being it feels so fucking different to every single time you've touched before.
And you pull back to ask her. The question is balancing on the tip of your tongue, waiting to spring free but then Brittany's stepping back, not meeting your eye and ducking her head, and Cassie and Mercedes are coming towards you, replacing the spot Brittany was just in and it fades away. You watch as your hometown friends gather around the blonde, Kurt returning to hugging her from the side and Sugar loops her arm through Brittany's. Then there's a gap between you that feels ten times bigger because you've got your girls next to you, and the people you left behind staring at you from the opposite side, and it's a stark reminder that this is your life.
This is how it is, and the time to speak up has gone and now you need to get in that cab and leave this place.
So you do just that, sparing one quivering breathless smile aimed straight at Brittany, your jaw clenching so tightly your teeth begin to ache, and twist around, ducking into the back of the cab with your friends in toe, and shortly after, the driver is pulling off into the street.
You can't look back.
/
The car barely gets to the end of the block before you become alarmingly aware that you've got two pairs of eyes on you.
You want to cry. You're doing everything you can not to break down because you're starting to ache, like you're leaving a vital piece of you behind. You're starting to get that ghost syndrome that amputees get, the one that you got back in the first three months like something you don't have is very much highlighted, and there's an itch in your neck, desperately wanting you to just look out the back window to steal one last glance of Brittany, because you think it might stop that feeling from growing.
But it won't, because you're still leaving, and instead of meeting either pair of eyes, you lift your chin, grind your teeth, and stare out the windscreen at the streets you grew up on.
It's not long before someone speaks, which is expected as it's been dead silent since you stopped hugging Brittany, and you're glad it's Mercedes. If Cassie was to say anything, you'd probably lash out at her. She likes to make things to make it worse in serious situations – in a way that reminds you of Rachel Berry – and you just really don't need that right now. Not whilst it feels like a hole has been punched through your chest, and you're still really trying not to freaking cry.
One tear, and you'll break. You're trying to listen to your head over that thing in your chest but it's really fucking hard.
"You still sure she isn't your ex?"
Your mouth pops open, the normal negative reply on your lips but the words fall short when you see Mercedes face. It's sympathetic, not teasing like it has been the last couple of times she's asked this, and you whip your head around to see Cassie, eyebrow raised and bottom lip between her teeth, and she just shrugs at you, and your mouth closes once more because no… No, you're not so sure that Brittany's not your ex anymore.
This is what it feels like.
You've been through break-ups before to notice the similarities and there was a severely scared down version of this pain inside your chest with those, but you were mostly filled with relief throughout the vast majority. None of them have felt as intense as this, and you don't answer for a long moment, glancing out the window as if a suitable reply is just hovering in the air, but it's not. You can't deny it. This is exactly what it feels like to walk away from someone you love, from someone you're supposed to be with because you do love her, but love isn't always enough.
So you have to settle for the only appropriate response you know, which is a lift of your shoulder as your trembling lips press together, holding back the other wave of heat that crashes against you, making you want to break down. You can't break down. You walked away from her once upon a time and it may never get easier, you may never get closure and you may never get rid of this damn feeling every single time you have to do this from now on, but this is your life now.
It's just something you have to learn to live with.
It's too late.
/
You've never been a fan of waiting for a flight.
There's never enough to do to make the time pass, or if there is it costs ten times the normal amount which is insane, and with the current weight of the world on your shoulders, it only highlights how long you've got until you're back in the city.
Still, you go through the airport and grab a coffee before heading towards the security gate. You've got more time to waste than you wanted, but had you stayed in Lima for any longer, you would've lost restraint with every second, the one you had that led you to not asking Brittany why she didn't tell you to stay. It's still bothering you and you don't think it'll ever stop, and you know at some point in time you'll find the right moment to ask her why she didn't, and maybe the response will be less painful than if you had asked before.
But it still hurts. More than ever.
Anyway, you line up at the security gate, and watch as some jackass gets manhandled for bringing several prohibited items along with him to the airport – there's always one guy – and you'd usually laugh, but you're still trying not to cry. Cassie and Mercedes haven't pushed you for anything else, just bought you a coffee and talked about the upcoming shows planned for the bar, and you appreciate them trying to distract you but it was kind of pointless because talking about where you're going was only reminding you of where you're leaving.
But it's not like you got asked to stay, and maybe in the future where you ask Brittany why she didn't, you'll find out the truth that maybe she just liked you, not loved you, but it wasn't enough to ruin your friendship. Maybe there'll be an explanation that won't break your heart, and that's the best that you can hope for really.
You've got your best friend back, like she said, and that should be enough.
Somehow that doesn't feel like it, though.
Anyway, Cassie passes through security first and you wait behind Mercedes, jacket folded over your arms with your hand grasping your carry on and the tray comes up beside you on the travelator, pulling your attention. You swing your hand luggage on to it, stepping forward and eying the security guard who smirks at you from behind the metal detector, wanting nothing more than to lash out at him for staring.
The last thing you need is some jackass hitting on you, although it would get rid of some of your venom so should he be inappropriate, so you find it in you to laugh sharply through your nose, just once, amused by the image of you going all Lima heights on him.
Obviously it was a weird thing to do, so it's not surprising when Mercedes peers over her shoulder, looking at you like you're freaking crazy – you are laughing to yourself after being totally silent for the past hour – and you're about to explain but then her eyes flit over you and they widen. You didn't think it was that weird, and you go to make a jibe about how she talks to herself all the time like her own little cheerleader, but then you register the flash behind her eyes, and you go cold.
You don't know why, but it's never a good thing when someone looks like that and especially when it's at something behind you, and natural curiosity (and fear) kick in and then you're twisting around slowly, taking note of how Cassie cranes her neck and matches the expression Mercedes' is wearing on her face, from behind the security gate that you catch as you go to look.
"Kurt?" You hear, quiet, from your friends mouth and it's really not what you were expecting – not that you had any expectations, really – that you fast forward turning and almost crack your neck at the speed you move.
Because surely enough, there's Kurt, in the very distance behind a throng of people, waving his hands in the air and sprinting towards you, looking like a total maniac. Your heart triples its speed, your head cocking to the side and face screwing up because you don't know why he's here. You even glance to Mercedes who looks equally as perplexed as you, then Cassie who looks like she's seen a fucking ghost and that isn't helping you in finding an answer as to why Kurt would be here so maybe they didn't text him or whatever, and you even pat yourself down, tossing your jacket on to the tray next to your luggage in case you left your phone behind or something.
But nope. It's in your pocket and your eyes flicker back up to find Kurt closer now, his cheeks a dark red and his hair all out of place, but you don't get to think about what insult you can come up with because it's in that moment, that you realise he's not alone.
Your heart drops into your stomach, cool shock washing through your body, and you blink several times, thinking you must have fallen asleep in the cab because he's with Brittany.
Brittany's here. What the fuck?
She's sprinting towards you, a few paces behind him and your blood runs cold as you take her in, jaw going slack and you're trying to get your lungs breathing again. You're trying to steady yourself against Mercedes, hand shooting out but instead your feet are leading you forward a few steps because you have no idea what's going on. Why is she here? Why is she sprinting towards you with wide, blue eyes filled with unshed tears and why do you think you're about to faint?
You don't know what the fuck is happening.
"Santana!" Kurt shouts, the voice becoming apparent, as it was hidden by the sound of your heartbeat in your ears and you try to look at him, but then you're freezing as Brittany catches up, slowing to a jog as she gets closer and closer and then she's right there, in front of you, chest heaving and hair wild, stealing all focus. She's obviously just run through the airport, and you would ask her why she felt the need to run, but you answer it yourself when you hear Cassie's voice say "oh my God" from behind you and realise where you are.
You're in the airport, about to get on a flight back to New York and Brittany's here.
But… Why?
"Britt–"
"I lied," Brittany blurts out, cutting you off before you can even finish her name and her voice is strained and breathless, and you'd probably melt if you weren't in total fucking shock. Her hands reach for yours and she grabs them, squeezing hard and heat flares across your skin at the simple gesture. "I don't just want my best friend back," she continues and your head jerks back so far that it almost suspends from your neck, your eyes flitting between hers as the words sink in. "I thought I did, but–I don't," she forces out, choking on the words and you see a tear fall from her eye, but it doesn't kick you into action like you expected.
You weren't expecting her to be here, so how can you expect anything after that?
"I've only ever wanted the best for you, and I thought New York was that," she whispers, and you begin breathing harder and harder, matching hers even though you haven't just done a half-marathon like she has. This airport is huge. "But I miss knowing what you're thinking, and how your day has been," she lifts a shoulder and sniffs loudly, and you can see how vulnerable she is because you've never seen it. Up until now you thought you'd seen every emotion she wears, but this is a first for this one and you don't know how you feel about that. "I miss the colour of your eyes and the way you had to have a coffee before you could talk to anyone in the morning," she chokes, half-laughing the words out and your lips twitch up at the side.
You don't know where she's going with this, but you think you're about to hear everything you've ever wanted since you were 16 years old.
But why now? Why now when you're about to get on a freaking plane to go live a life you built without her?
"And I just wanted you to be happy, and I-I thought you were getting that in New York, because I didn't say anything back," Brittany says, voice so quiet, or maybe it just seems like that as your heart is about to break through your ribcage at the reminder, and the severe lack of correcting the statement. "But I miss everything about you, and I don't want to live without you again," she throws in another shrug like that didn't just make your stomach flip ten times over, but it did. "And I just have to tell you that I don't want my best friend back anymore."
Again, you jerk your head back, cold fear setting in hard as you process her words and only see the negative side of it, but she's right there, like she always has been, reading your mind and catching on to it and tugging gently on your hands until your eyes slide back to her. You don't know where she's going with this but it hasn't started off too well, but you know her better than anything and she's nervous so she's rambling, so you're going to give her time. It really looks like she needs it and you're kind of dying to know what she's talking about.
"I don't think I-I'm saying this right," she stutters out, and your mind glitches, but you still smile as she scrunches her face up in a way that shouldn't be as adorable as it is considering the intensity of this conversation.
It's just instinct to slip back into normality with Brittany – as irritating as that is – so you push aside the urge to vomit everywhere or break down into tears as she's nervous and you can feel how clammy her palms are, and squeeze her hands back, forcing out words even though you don't put any forethought into it.
"You're d-doing okay," you manage and it's the right thing to do because Brittany inhales, taking strength from your words and literally shakes it out, fingers sliding against yours as she laces them together.
"I felt it, Santana," she admits, the words airy as they leave her mouth and her bottom lip begins trembling, but she sucks it in and grips your hands harder. You're glad for that as the sentence shoots through you, bringing back a thousand memories you've shared with her and when you said it. From the first time you kissed her, to the last and from the diner the night you admitted you felt it, to wishing she'd say it when you left the last time.
You remember it all and it hits you like a ten tonne truck until you're struggling for breath, but she's right there again, holding your eyes and exhaling unsteadily and it somehow makes you focus on her again as she continues.
"I still feel it, every single time you're near me…" She says, the words shaky and you shake your head, eyes blinking several times as you drop them to the floor but then there's a finger tilting your chin up and you're staring into ocean blue again. "Nothing that's happened between us was a mistake and it never has been," she swallows thickly, and you suck your lips into your mouth, wanting nothing more than to speed her up and get to where you think this is going, but you also don't want that.
Why has it taken you leaving again for her to realise whatever she's realising? You don't want to be thinking this, but you can't help it. Your thoughts are all over the place and her coming to the airport alone was a total shock and you don't really feel like you're here. You feel like you're dreaming, even though her dropping her hand from her face and the weight of her words are reminding you that this isn't a dream. This is reality. It's everything you ever wanted, so why are you feeling so torn?
"I was just scared," Brittany admits, finally letting the tears go and blue eyes are darting between your brown ones, like she's waiting for you to say something, but you don't know what to say. "I was scared because you've always been there and you've always been my best friend, and I didn't wanna lose that," her voice goes breathless, but she doesn't stumble over her words and you wonder how long she's been holding this in, but that only leads to the question of why it's taken so long again. This isn't fair. You're about to get on a plane to go somewhere else, to live a different life and as much as you've wanted to hear what you think she's getting at, you didn't want it like this.
You didn't want it to be a last minute decision. Brittany was never that to you, so why are you that to her?
"But I can't lose you again," she says, and it draws your focus back to her, and you spare a glance at Kurt who slows up behind her, keeping a distance away but you can tell by his face that he knows what's being said. "I let you get on that plane the last two times and I can't do it again," Brittany shakes her head, tears still falling, and she wipes them away, temporarily removing her grip from you but replaces it before you can step back. "It took me letting go of all my fears, and of everything I was holding on so tightly to, to realise that it's been clear to me that I've been lying to myself… and to you."
Your head cocks to the side, face scrunching up as the heat takes over your emotions and then you're crying, too. "You were lying to yourself?"
Letting out a mirthless chuckle, Brittany drops her chin to her chest and takes a second to reply, and all you can do is watch. You're frozen, rooted to your spot and your chest feels like it's going to explode, and your mind does, too, but you have to listen to this.
"I told myself you were moving on, and building a new life," she explains, eyes flitting back up to yours but squinted this time, like she's trying to get you to understand. "I told myself I couldn't be a part of it because I didn't tell you how I felt when I should've done, but I know now," she nods her head, like she's agreeing with her own words, but you don't know how she feels. You fucking asked her what she wanted, and she just kissed you, and you think if she does that now, you'll have a nervous breakdown.
This isn't the right time. There were so many opportunities to tell you this before you got to the fucking airport, but she didn't.
"Everyone knows," she chokes and looks over her shoulder to Kurt who smiles sheepishly, shrugging at you, and something in your mind clicks. That's why everyone was being so weird when you were saying goodbye back in Lima. They fucking knew and that's why Dani said what she did and why Puck was the way he was. Everyone fucking knows, but you didn't, and for some reason it makes you feel angry. Why couldn't they say anything if Brittany couldn't?
"They knew when you left the first time because I couldn't sleep, or eat, and I didn't know how to function without you around… I hated how much I missed you, but I knew I only missed you because I was the one who pushed you away," she gets out, brokenly and sniffling loudly at the next flood of tears, but they don't stop. "I told Artie, and Dani, and Puck… Even Nancy," she half-laughs the last name out and memories of Nancy hugging Brittany the second time you left shoots to the forefront of your mind. "They all know now, and it's about time you did too," she lifts a shoulder and then holds your eye, and for the second time in five minutes, your heart drops into your stomach.
You know what's coming.
"I'm in love with you," Brittany admits, shoulders by her ears and head shaking like it's the simplest thing she's ever said, but it's not even though you still gasp at the words. "I think I always have been, but I just couldn't say it because I was scared that we wouldn't work and I'd lose my best friend," she continues but you stay silent. "Turns out that happened anyway, and when you came back the first time… I thought we could get back to that, but I was stupid," she grinds her jaw at the last word and the urge to scold her for saying that balances on the tip of your tongue, but you don't say it because she's speaking before you can. "I got so caught up in thinking about Dani and Sam and everything that happened, and I tried telling you a few times, but it didn't go that way and I just wanted to go back to who we were before, you know? It was just confusing."
You do know. You felt the same way, but you also had put your heart out on the line and walked away from her because she told you that she was doing that scene with Sam instead of admitting that she didn't want to, and you're still pissed about that. With time, you thought that you were unreasonable, and that you were being a selfish bitch because you'd never been in a position where someone you wanted, didn't want you back.
You'd never experienced it, and it took everything you had to come back to Lima after those first three months, trying to scramble back some of what you had and okay, it didn't go that way as you ended up sleeping together, but then your mind flashes to a specific part of the conversation and you wish you'd thought about it more since then instead of torturing yourself over the memory of her all over you.
Maybe then you wouldn't be so surprised.
/
"Seems a lot has changed around here," you got out, through a clenched jaw and the smile fell from Brittany's face.
You hated it when she did that sad kicked puppy look, and you forced yourself to look away so there was something grasping on to the anger still burning in your veins. If you looked for too long, your anger would break. You've always sucked at being mad at her.
But as per usual, Brittany had other ideas, and obviously not liking your comment, she took a step forward, swallowing visibly and you flared your nostrils, wanting to step back but rooted yourself to your spot. You couldn't let her know she had any effect on you. You managed to do it before, and you were sure as hell going to make yourself do it then.
"Not everything," she breathed, and it was so cryptic and annoying that you shook your head instantly, eyes shutting quickly as you told yourself not to bite.
/
She did tell you.
She told you in other words and you feel so stupid for not seeing it, but she knows you and she should've been as blatant as possible, especially as the ball was in her court back then.
You were the one who told her you felt something the two times you'd slept together, and she needed to be the one to lead. She came to you when you ran away to Artie's basement, but even that conversation went badly as you just ended up yelling at each other. That's what you needed then, and up until this moment, you thought you were over that specific emotion, but this is reminding you why you were so fucking annoyed in the first place. Even that argument, you told her that she was never just your best friend, and this conversation should've happened then.
You shouldn't have let her kiss you, and you shouldn't have kissed her back after she did, but you can't take that back now and you're trying to quell the anger by reminding yourself that it always takes two to tango, but how else are you supposed to react?
Still, you need to say something because you haven't in a good three minutes and there's only a few words that trickle out your mouth. "Don't do this," you try, shaking your head and blinking away the blur in your eyes.
"I let you go the first time, and the second," Brittany breathes, voice more confident now even though she's crying a river and wiping away the teardrop that rolls down her cheek, totally ignoring your request. "But I can't let you walk away from me again… I'm here this time to stop you, and I love you, and you have to know that," her voice cracks at those three words, and you've heard them leave her mouth before but not like this. This time you can see how much she really loves you and it wraps around your lungs, restricting your breathing until you're gasping for air.
She steps forward, lowering her head and she's so close now you can see the grey in her eyes and the freckles dusting her nose, but you don't move. You're stuck.
"I'm in love with you, and I can't let you go again…" She shakes her head, gulping audibly. "I just–I can't."
The grip on your hands is now impossibly tight, and everything you're hearing is everything you've ever wanted to since you were 16 years old. The room is spinning, with Brittany being the only thing still and in focus, and it's not how you thought you'd react, but you never planned for this.
You can't do it.
You can't hear this.
You can't process the words she's saying and it's not because of the security guard calling you to go through the metal detector impatiently, or because there are several pairs of eyes on you, it's because the heat is too much, and your head is now spinning too and you're desperately trying to find a grip on reality, but you can't. Your feet take a step back without your mind telling it to, probably because the only thing running through your mind now is how you can't believe that it's taken you leaving for the third fucking time for her to realise.
Regardless of how scared she was, you were flat out terrified in that diner the night you walked away, telling her in front of a room full of people that you felt something, and that you couldn't watch her screw someone else on screen because it wasn't you. You held out your cards, the Queen of Hearts, and she just threw it away and you're finding it hard to forget that. Especially because you came back the second time, then the third, with opportunities given to her by you several times, and you've spent half your day already, desperately wishing to hear this, but you're about to get on the damn plane and it's too late.
You don't know what to do.
Blue eyes flash down to the floor as you take another step back, as she obviously didn't register the first attempt, but you put more strength into this time. You have no idea what's powering you on to do this, as all your energy is drained both emotionally and physically, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're shaking your head, listening to the security guard getting more and more impatient and looking at your friends staring at you, like they're waiting for the ultimate moment.
But that's moment passed.
This is too fucking late. Brittany had so many opportunities to tell you, like this morning in bed, or last night when she came up the fire escape. Even the night before when she did the same thing, or even the last fucking time you came back here when you were alone in Artie's basement. There have been a million opportunities, and you never thought you'd hear those three words leave her mouth and not melt into her.
How can you do it to yourself this time?
"Brittany," you manage to get out, throat thick and voice hoarse and the blonde cocks her head to the side, knowing you well enough to pick up on the tone in which you said her name. You take one more step back and shake your head, everything blurring and your mind glitching out as you retract your hands from hers. "Brittany, I can't–"
"Please don't go... Please stay..." She interrupts, and you glance back into her eyes to see the fight, the pain, the love, all swirling into a potent cocktail of emotion, and you only recognise it because you're feeling the exact same way.
Especially because she just asked you not to leave.
But you can't do this.
You have to go before you were forced to create this entire new persona, this new life with a stupid apartment and a dumb bar job without her and make friends when you already had some. You never wanted any of that. You never wanted that freedom to change your life, even though the whole movie thing came from that belief. You don't know how to believe that she's always loved you, that she's always been in love with you, and it's taken up until now, to tell you.
That's not fucking good enough.
And it takes everything you have inside of you to move even further until you're backing away, feet treading along the linoleum as you shake your head at her. Your body begins tugging, like you've got an anchor wrapped around your chest and you see her flinch, like she wants to close the gap, but you just hold your hand out, floods of tears streaming out of your eyes to stop her.
She may have come after you this time, but it's too little too late.
"I can't," you get out, voice broken, and you see Kurt gasp behind her, eyes widening as he looks at Brittany who scrunches her face up, like she doesn't understand what you're saying.
But she does.
"I just can't," you repeat, because you've done this too many times, and she should've realised how she felt before you moved to another city, to build another life. Not when you're about to go and live that life, and it's an action you know you're going to live to regret, but you have plenty of those so it's not like this is the first time you'll have to deal with it.
So with one final look, one final shake of your head, knowing your eyes are screaming apologies, you turn away and pass through the metal detectors.
You don't look back.
/
Some of you wanted Santana to stand up for herself... Think she did it, don't you?