sorry for the delay. I blinked and three months passed
.
The following Monday Castle breezes into the precinct, a coffee in each hand, and heads straight for Beckett's desk. They had texted a handful of times over the weekend, but between Kate's breakfast with her father on Saturday, and Rick's plans with Alexis the following day, they hadn't had the chance to see one another since Friday night.
"Coffee, madame," he says, placing the travel cup beside her keyboard with a flourish.
"Thank you." Kate smiles, but Rick is quick to notice that it doesn't reach her eyes.
Concern flits across Castle's face as she goes back to her file. Instead of forcing the issue, which he'd love to do but he knows it wouldn't get him anywhere, he takes a seat in his chair and takes a long drag of his own drink.
Hopefully she'll be willing to share in her own time.
.
Later, when Kate appears more than happy to work diligently through her lunch break, Castle takes a stroll to the deli down the street and picks up soup and sandwiches for them both. When he returns, Kate thankfully - though reluctantly - allows him to tug her into the breakroom to eat.
He's somewhat taken aback when she stares numbly down at her sandwich on the tabletop instead of reaching for her food.
"Kate?" Castle asks slowly. "Is everything okay?"
She picks at her cuticles, giving him a moment to study her appearance. For all intents and purposes she looks just like she would on any other day - there's nothing outwardly different - but to Castle she appears smaller. Quiet. Subdued.
"I don't know." Kate eventually shrugs. "There's nothing really… wrong, you know? I just-"
She cuts herself off and rolls her eyes, but he can see the moisture collecting within them.
"What is it?"
"It's stupid."
"No it's not."
She bites her lip in obvious indecision, and Castle chooses to sit and wait her out, knowing that she doesn't do well with being pushed. Eventually she averts her eyes, but opens her mouth to speak.
"When I was on the way to work this morning my mom's favorite song started playing on the radio."
Oh, Castle's brain supplies unhelpfully. He pauses, waits for her to continue if she wishes.
"I just really miss her today," Kate states. "I don't know how to explain it, I…" She curses to herself as her eyes begin to well, and she blinks the tears back forcefully, glad the room is otherwise empty.
"Sorry," she mumbles to Castle, embarrassed, and a warm hand covers her knee under the table.
"Don't be sorry, never about this, okay?" he tells her. "You're allowed to be sad, Kate."
She sniffs. "I know. It's just… Whenever anything reminds me of her - her favorite music, her favorite food, or when I walk into a store and smell her perfume… It feels like I'm losing her again, over and over. My heart drops in my chest like it did when we found Detective Raglan standing on the doorstep."
"Do you want to take a break, maybe go get some air?" Castle asks from beside her.
Kate takes a deep breath and forcibly clears her throat.
"No, no. I'll be okay." She blinks rapidly to clear the mist from her eyes and gives Castle a tight smile.
After that they eat in silence, and she finds the quiet comforting. While Castle would usually be filling the silence with chatter, this time there's no expectations for her to do anything other than sit and just be, and it's nice.
She doesn't allow herself to wallow often, but to do it with Rick's companionship makes it a little less painful.
.
Later that evening, Kate hears a knock on her apartment door.
Before they left the precinct Castle had invited her over for dinner but she wasn't quite in the mood to be around people and acting sociable, so she had politely declined.
In the quiet of her apartment she regrets that thought.
However, Kate considers as she places her tea down on the coffee table, she has a feeling that the regret will be remedied shortly. Her thoughts prove correct when she opens the door and finds Castle on the other side.
"Hey."
"Hey," he smiles. "Sorry, I know you wanted to be alone, but I-"
She quickly waves him off and steps aside. "It's alright Rick, come in."
"How are you feeling?" he asks softly, making his way to her kitchen and placing her favorite pistachio ice cream on the counter.
When he turns around he finds Kate watching him with a small smile and warmth in her eyes that had been missing earlier. She shrugs, ignoring his question.
"What else did you bring?" She gestures to the paper bag in his hand, and he pulls out some chips as well as the pineapple salsa he knows she loves. She usually keeps her cupboards stocked with the stuff, but she'd told him that the bodega down the street stopped selling it and she hadn't been able to get her hands on more.
"Thank you," Kate says simply, and whether she's referring to the salsa or the company, Rick isn't sure.
Either way, however, Kate appears happy to placate herself with some ice cream for the meantime, and hands him a spoon.
.
"I usually make my mom's favorite cookies," Kate says out of the blue, when they're halfway through the carton.
Castle swallows his mouthful and turns to her. "Hmm?"
"When it's one of the bad days, you know? I thought about making some tonight," she explains, a break in her voice.
"Why didn't you?"
"It's not going to bring her back," she whispers, eyes forlorn and downturned. For a moment it's all too much and she slumps down, pressing her forehead to the kitchen counter.
"Breathe, Kate," she hears, and that's all it takes to break the dam.
Castle gently rubs his hand up and down her spine, his own heart hurting for the woman beside him, and the loss of the mother he never met. Again, he doesn't try to say or do anything because he knows it won't help; he just tries to be there for Kate.
A long while later, when her tears have dried up and she's cradled carefully against his chest, Kate allows herself a wistful smile.
"Mom always used to make those cookies for me when I was having a bad day," she whispers.
"Yeah?" Castle presses a kiss to the crown of her head.
"She'd cover them with rainbow sprinkles because it made me smile."
Castle's arms tug her in even closer. "You wanna make some?"
There's a few second delay before he feels her nodding against his chest. He kisses her temple.
"You have the sprinkles?" he asks.
"Of course," she grins.
.
Later, over sprinkle cookies and hot chocolate, Kate tells Castle about her mother.
She shares more memories than she cares to count - and certainly more than she's shared with any other person since Johanna's passing - and it really does help. Laughing and remembering the happier memories with someone for the first time in a long time eases the constant weight on her chest, just a little. The heaviness of her past will always walk beside her, but tonight, sharing those memories with Rick, makes it a little easier to carry.