Epilogue 8: Talk Test

Part 1 (Hisao)

It's Saki's anniversary. It has been 16 years since I lost her. We're in the car now, driving to the cemetery. I'm following Mitsuru and Chisato, and I have Emi and Kayoko in my car. Kayoko is cheerfully playing with a stuffed capybara in her car seat and humming a little tune. She always seems to be humming.

This is the first time she'll be coming with us to the grave. Up until now, we didn't really think she'd understand, so she usually stays with Meiko. But it became clear lately that she gets it. Over the last year she's been really interested in Saki. She sees her pictures and other things in our house. She asks about her, and we answer her questions. She talks about her sometimes like they are friends. She even knows her music. She knows she passed away and is starting to understand what that means. So, we figured it was time to take her with us.

"Mommy? Where are we going?"

"We're going to see Saki. You remember who that is, right?"

She nods confidently. "She's pretty and I like her music."

Emi smiles first at Kayoko and then at me, and she takes my free hand and gives it a squeeze. "Yes, both of those things are quite true."

I feel a few tears run down my face, and Kayoko notices.

"Daddy, are you sad?"

I am worried about Kayoko seeing me the way that I am at Saki's grave, since I usually become a sobbing mess once it's just me and Emi there. The plan is for her to go back with Mitsuru and Chisato so she doesn't have to see it, but apparently today I can't even hold back the waterworks before I get to the cemetery. That doesn't bode well. Hopefully I'll be able to keep from really crying about her until later.

"Yes, sweetie. I miss Saki. It makes me sad she isn't here. I'm glad you like her so much."

She nods, and has a very compassionate look on her face, especially for a five-year-old. I can tell she wants to help me somehow.

"Mommy, do you miss Saki?"

She must be wondering why she isn't crying too.

"I do. I didn't know her as well as your daddy, though. So, I don't get as sad." She squeezes my hand.

""And…she was married to daddy?"

This is the part she has the hardest time grasping. She seems to understand death, at least enough to know that Saki was once here and now she isn't, and that's sad for us. But the idea that I had a wife before her mother is utterly baffling to her, even though she has seen pictures. I think it's hard for her to imagine a world where mommy and daddy aren't together, since that's all she has ever known. Plus, the daddy in those pictures is much younger than the daddy she knows now. Emi knows I'm not in the best headspace to talk about this right now, so she does the talking.

"That's right."

Kayoko's cute little face scrunches up in confusion. Most of the time she can't even really think of a question to help clear things up for her, but today she has one.

"Where were you, mommy?"

"I wasn't there. I knew your daddy and Saki before they got married, but then I didn't see them for a long long time."

Kayoko nods, "...and then you married daddy after that long long time?"

Emi smiles proudly at her. It does sound like she understands it more than she usually does. She's at least starting to form a rough timeline in her head.

"Yep. That's right."

I park the car at the cemetery. Chisato, Mitsuru, and Daisuke are already out of the car waiting. So we get out too.

Emi helps Kayoko out of the car and then hands her her little cane. She dislocated her knee about two weeks ago and she has to use the cane to keep pressure off of it while it heals. She dutifully takes the cane and uses it exactly the way she's been taught to.

We always knew her condition was going to present challenges and make life hard for her, but she's an incredibly strong child. Dislocations do inevitably happen and she certainly feels pain, but her pain tolerance seems to be pretty damn high. After Emi got her knee back in place, we took her to the emergency room because knee dislocations can be especially problematic, and the doctor there was baffled by the fact that Kayoko was mostly just acting like a normal little girl despite what had happened. He said he'd never seen someone who had dislocated a knee that wasn't writhing in pain. When she was born, she must have been in excruciating pain from the dislocations she suffered during the birthing process. I wonder sometimes whether that somehow prepared her for it. After all, from the moment she was born, she was in pain.

Already at her age she's had to deal with using a cane, wearing a sling, wearing splints on her fingers, and of course wearing braces on her joints. She also has to do physical therapy all the time. She doesn't complain about any of it. She doesn't get upset about any of it. She just does it, like it's the most natural thing in the world. I suppose to some extent it is natural for her. This is how her life has always been. But I'm still impressed by her toughness and determination. It reminds me a lot of both women I love.

When we get her out of the car, Chisato asks, "Kayoko, do you want to bring some flowers to Saki?" Daisuke is already holding a bouquet.

"Yeah!" Kayoko's face lights up when she sees the flowers. She walks as fast as she can to Chisato and when she takes the small bouquet in her hand, she smells it and smiles down at it.

We take the usual walk to the grave. The two kids drop the flowers off as instructed. Then we all sit in front of the grave together. The two kids are a little antsy and whispering things to one another since they aren't used to this kind of quiet time. They probably don't even fully understand what we're doing. But they are behaving remarkably well over all for being 5 and 7. I can't help but think how wonderful it is that, in a way, Kayoko, Chisato, and Saki are all in the same place right now.

We're all tearing up, but not so much that Daisuke or Kayoko are concerned about the situation. Eventually, Chisato and Mitsuru get up to go.

"Kayoko, do you want to come back with us?"

Kayoko hesitates for a second and looks at her mother, "It's okay sweetie, we'll see you really soon. Go back with Auntie Chisato. You can play with Daisuke."

She nods and Emi helps her up. Before she leaves, she hugs me from behind.

"I'm sorry you're sad, daddy."

It takes everything I have to keep from starting to sob right this moment, but my concern for how scared she would be is enough for me to keep it in.

"Thank you, sweetie. Your hug is helping."

Then she smiles at me and goes off with Daisuke, seemingly without a care in the world.

Once they're gone, I let myself cry all the tears that I've been holding in since the drive. This is the most I've cried in quite some time. I think the effort of holding it in for Kayoko has caused a dam to break. Emi holds me and rocks me while a few tears run down her face.

I still miss Saki so much. I wish she was still here. I wish she could meet Kayoko. It isn't fair that she can't.

After what has to be at least ten minutes, I've cried myself out. As usual, I feel much better after I do. Emi realizes that I've recovered, and we stand up and start walking towards the car arm-in-arm. Emi looks concerned, probably because she hasn't seen me cry like that in quite some time. Probably not since before we started dating.

"...was having Kayoko with us too much?"

I shake my head, "No, I'm glad she came. It's really sweet that she's trying so hard to understand all of this. And that she wants to help me. It's important to me that she knows as much about Saki as she can, you know? I think I was just extra emotional because I wish Saki could meet her. She'd like her. She'd like her name. She'd like that she listens to her music..." I feel myself starting to get choked up again.

Emi squeezes my arm tightly and smiles softly at me, "It would be nice if they could meet, that's for sure. She'd probably think it's funny that Kayoko's more interested in music than she is in any of the science stuff you keep trying to push on her."

I'm thankful Emi's humor pulls me out of starting to cry again.

"Yeah, she'd definitely like that. I know Chisato does." We laugh together.

"Overall, Kayoko did really well, huh? Girl has a lot of empathy for a five-year-old and she really seems to be understanding things. I think we'll take her to my dad's grave next time too."

I smile down at Emi, "That's a good idea. Maybe you'll get a nice hug."

Emi softly laughs, "I better. She needs to treat her mother and father equally, after all."

—-

Part 2 (Emi)

…I have to see if he's okay. Why won't they help him or say anything about him? When I realize I can't get out of the ambulance under my own power, I do the only thing I can, I scream for my father while tears stream down my face.

"Dad!"

As the ambulance starts to drive away, I start to hear a distant voice, but it is garbled. It slowly becomes more clear, and I start to make it out over my labored crying…

…

"Emi!?"

I open my eyes and feel my husband tightly holding me from behind. It's the middle of the night. Tears are running down my face.

I had the nightmare again. I've been having it less the older I've gotten, but this close to the anniversary it is unavoidable.

I put my hand on one of Hisao's, "I'm awake, thank you for helping."

He kisses the back of my head, "It stinks that you had that damn nightmare. It's probably been almost a year since you had it last. You were louder than you usually are. Was it worse than normal?"

Just as I'm about to respond, I notice there is someone else in the room with us. Kayoko is standing in the doorway. She looks completely horrified. I must have been loud enough this time to wake her up. Talk about a scary thing for a 9-year-old to hear in the middle of the night.

Hisao has notices her too, and because he knows I'm upset, he takes charge of the situation. He gets out of bed and approaches her, "Hey sweetie, are you okay? Do you need anything?"

Her eyes shift to me, "W-what h-happened? Why was mom s-screaming? I was scared."

She knows about my father, and she knows I struggle with the grief I feel about him. But I've never told her about the nightmare. I couldn't bring myself to. I don't exactly want to tell my young daughter that recurring traumatic nightmares are even a thing. I guess I'm going to have to.

"I'm okay now, Kayoko. Can you come here? I'll explain."

Hisao looks at me with worried eyes. He's asking me if I'm sure I want to do this. I nod to him, and he nods back. It's amazing that we can have such a detailed conversation without a single word, but we've gotten pretty good at it. It's useful for when Kayoko is around.

I think she's old enough to know about this. She's very mature for her age and I don't really feel like lying to her. Especially because this might happen again at some point in the next week.

She hesitates but approaches the bed. I pull myself up and make her room for her to hop up and sit next to me. We both have our backs against the headboard. I put my arm around her.

"You know how I was in that car crash when I was little?"

She nod slowly, "The one where you lost grandpa?"

I so wish he was around to hear her call him grandpa.

"…yeah. Well, it's almost the anniversary of that crash. That's why we're going to his grave next week."

Now that I'm on the verge of telling her, I want to back out. I take a deep breath and summon as much courage as I can.

"I have bad nightmares when the anniversary gets close. Sometimes I get really loud in my sleep. That's what you heard. I'm really sorry, that must have been scary."

She gets a very worried look on her face and puts her arms around my waist and hugs me tight from the side for a while without saying anything, then she says "It was really scary. I thought you were hurt. But you didn't mean to scare me, so it's okay."

That's basically the 9-year-old version of what her father said to me the first time he was around for the nightmare, and I tried to apologize for waking him up. I smile and look at Hisao who is smiling proudly at her.

Hisao puts his hand on his back, "That's right, sweetie. Mom can't help it. Thank you for being so sweet to her about it." He checks the time. "Well, we should probably all try to get back to bed. There's school in the morning."

Kayoko doesn't really respond for a few seconds. She just keeps snuggling with me. Hisao looks at me asking for some back up, but I have a hard time wanting to send her back to bed right now. After about a minute she asks, "Will you have more nightmares?"

"Probably not. I'm okay, dear. If I do, your father is always a big help. You really should get back to sleep, we need you well-rested for school tomorrow, okay?"

She waits another 30 seconds before reluctantly releasing me and getting off the bed.

"Okay. I hope you sleep better, mom."

I smile. "Thank you, sweetie. You snuggling me was a big help."

"Do you want me to come help you get tucked in?"

Usually if she gets up in the middle of the night in pain, one of the only things that consistently puts her back to sleep is Hisao softly rubbing her back with his hand. I still don't know what it is about that man's touch, but it does seem to have some medicinal qualities for the both of us. I know for me it works far better than any sleeping pill. I'll be taking some of that medicine when he gets back in here.

Kayoko nods and the two head back to her room.

I start to tear up a bit now that she's gone. I wish she hadn't woken up to that. I probably should have told her about the nightmare sooner, but I wasn't sure she was ready. Although, just hearing about it still probably wouldn't have prepared her to hear her mother screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night.

After about 20 minutes, Hisao comes back.

"Is she okay?"

He nods, "A little freaked out. And she wants to know more. But I told her she had to talk to you about it. Luckily, she fell asleep quickly."

I sigh, "I don't know how much more I really want to tell her."

He smiles, "Well, as understanding as that little girl is, I think if you told her that she'd be okay with it, for a while at least."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Now come snuggle me and put me back to sleep please."

He gets close to me, puts his arms around me, and kisses the back of my head. "Gladly."

I start to get a little drowsy, but then a stray thought wakes me back up.

"Do you think she knows too much about this stuff for her age? Death…and loss, and grief I mean."

"Maybe. She certainly knows more than most kids her age just from seeing you and me deal with it. But…maybe that's a good thing?"

"How could that ever be a good thing, Hisao? A little girl shouldn't have to think about this stuff."

"Well, maybe. I guess I can see your point. But I guess I'm saying there might be a silver lining. Like with everyone, grief is going to unfortunately be part of her life one day. For me and you, we didn't know anything about it until someone was taken from us. It hit us out of nowhere and it broke us…for years. We couldn't put the pieces back together until we found each other. Maybe that won't be true for her. She's seen grief firsthand. Maybe she'll be able to handle it better because she has some experience to draw on. Heck, maybe it's why she is already so mature and understanding about this sort of thing."

"Hmmm. I have a hard time believing that it is good for her in the short-term. I wish she could just be a normal little girl who doesn't have to confront this kind of thing. But I guess you've convinced me that it might be good for her in the long run. That gives me some solace. It isn't like we can do anything about it now, anyway."

He squeezes me, "Yeah, that ship has sailed. But I really do think she's doing great. It isn't like she spends all her time thinking about this stuff."

"That's true. I guess I'm just worrying too much. Telling her about the nightmare was hard."

"...yeah, I know." He kisses the back of my head. "I really hate that you have to deal with that nightmare. Maybe more than I hate anything. I'm still impressed by how strong you are, you know. Tonight, you relived the worst moment of your life in graphic detail, then had to explain it to your daughter…that's tough. You're upset about it, sure, but you're just going to get up tomorrow and take care of your daughter, help kids at Yamaku, and put up with your annoying husband." He chuckles. "It's amazing. You're amazing."

Sometimes I do need to get some perspective. When he points out everything I do despite this nightmare, I have to admit it does sound impressive. It's easy to forget that. I turn around and put my arms around his neck and give him a long kiss.

"That was amazing too."

He grabs my butt, "And so is this."

I giggle, "Okay, I get it. Everything about me is amazing. Including my body. I've always loved how into me you are and how that hasn't ever changed, even now that we're knocking on the door of our 50s." I pinch his cheek, "But you need to behave right now." I yawn. "We don't have the time or energy for that kind of thing, however much we want to do it. So, save it for another time, okay?"

He reluctantly takes his hands back, "Yeah, I know. I was just trying to cheer you up."

"Oh, really? So, if I had responded by grabbing a certain something of yours you would've said, 'Not right now, Emi. We've got to get some sleep.'"

"Well, uh…"

"Yeah, I didn't think so." I stick my tongue out at him and roll over. "Now come snuggle me and don't be lewd about it." I giggle.

I'm teasing him about it, but him getting all handsy did do a good job of distracting me. Plus, it never fails to make me feel good about myself. Especially after he told me how amazing I am.

"Thanks for cheering me up, Hisao."

"You're welcome. Sleep well, Emi."