Epilogue 9: Finish Line (Emi)

It's been one year since we lost you. I'm visiting your grave, as I do every week. Today, Kayoko is with me since it's the anniversary. We're in front of your grave, leaning against one another and weeping.

It really isn't fair that you were taken from us. You were active and healthy, and your doctors were very pleased with how things looked. But you always said that you could have another heart attack. That your heart was unpredictable. You died at 57 from a heart attack in your sleep. Couldn't you have been wrong about something just this once?

You asked me once whether or not I was sure I could be with someone who had a higher-than-normal chance of dying young. I told you that it was worth it to have you and love you as long as I could, no matter how long or short that ended up being. Now that I have lost you, I still think I made the right choice. All the time we had together was magical. It was perfect. Before you, I never believed a relationship could be anything like that. I thought it was the stuff of fairy tales and romantic comedies. I'm very happy we had a love like that, and it even keeps me happy now, especially because we have our daughter, who is a product of that love.

To be honest, I'm not doing nearly as bad as I thought I would. You're the first person I lost since my dad, so I was really worried I was going to completely break down, and not be able to work or care for Kayoko without you here with me. I was like that for about a week, but I came out of it. I still love my job and I cherish all the time I spend with Kayoko. We spend a lot of time with Chisato and Mitsuru, since they live here now. And overall, I would describe myself as happy. Not something I ever imagined I would be able to say if I lost you. I think all that time working through our grief together really made me better at dealing with this.

But that doesn't mean I don't still mourn you every single day. I wake up every morning missing you. Some mornings when I first wake up, I still expect to feel you holding me from behind. It was how I woke up every day for so long. You are a part of me. Part of my very soul. Things just…don't feel right, without you here beside me.

I can relate to you now more than I could before. Now, I really know how you felt when you lost Saki. I always thought I understood because I lost my dad. But I never could. Not fully. Not until I lost you. Losing a spouse is different.

I think I feel like you did when we first ran into each other again all those years ago and you were still having such a hard time. I find myself thinking many of the thoughts you shared with me when we were still just friends.

I can't ever imagine loving someone again.

I can't ever imagine having someone else in my bed.

I can't ever imagine having a new spouse.

It's amazing to me that eventually you overcame all those things and found space for me in your heart. Now, it means even more to me that you did. It makes me love you even more.

Even though you didn't have time to get a promise out of me like Saki did with you, I think you probably would want me to find love again 'after an appropriate mourning period.' But I can't even imagine ever feeling like that period is ever over. But then, I guess you couldn't either.

I don't normally believe in this kind of thing, but sometimes I like to imagine that you're with Saki now. That you've reunited after missing her and longing for her for the last 30 years. It gives me some comfort to think that way. Of course, if that is how it works, what happens when I die? Are we going to be a throuple? I guess that wouldn't be too bad. I just hope Saki doesn't still look like she did when she was 28. I don't think I can compete with that.

I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't pain me some that Kayoko lost her father during her childhood, just like I lost mine. But she's handling it better than I ever did. I think part of it is that she was always oddly prepared for grief, because she was so used to seeing ours. Most kids her age probably don't spend much time thinking about the fact that one day they'll experience grief. But she had to. That doesn't mean it isn't hard for her. She misses you just as much as I do.

I got her a necklace just like the one your parents got me during our first Christmas together. She wears it every day. I also had your name engraved on the back of my pendant.

Kayoko's as tough as ever, enduring everything her condition throws at her. Somehow, she's still a bubbly, happy girl despite having chronic pain and regularly needing to wear various orthotic devices and use all kinds of mobility aids if she's recently had an injury. We were worried about how hard it might be raising her. It really turned out much easier than we ever could have imagined, didn't it? She's so tough, and so wonderful.

I wish you could have had just one more year with us. If you did, you would have seen at least some of her first year at Yamaku. You were so excited for her to go there. You were excited to teach her. But now you never will. It doesn't seem fair.

She's really become a woman over the last year, and a beautiful one at that. Now, she's probably only a little shorter than you were. In other words, she towers over me. She has long, dark beautiful hair, fair skin, and piercing brown eyes. She is pretty popular with the Yamaku boys. I know you were kind of dreading the day she started dating. Unfortunately, I think we're almost there. She's already had a boy confess to her. But she turned him down. She doesn't seem interested in dating yet. Not sure how long that will last, but for now I'm thankful I don't have to deal with that.

She is having a hard time deciding what clubs to join because she likes and excels at so many things. I tell her it's a good problem to have. You did get her interested in science, so she's considering science club. But I think music is where her heart really is. She's always loved Saki's music, but she loves it even more now. She listens to it all the time. I guess she understands the intricacies of the music now or whatever. I still don't. As you know, her Aunt Chisato has been trying to get her into music since day one and she definitely succeeded. Once she came back to Yamaku as the music teacher a few years ago, it was pretty much a done deal. She hasn't officially made her decision yet, but I think she's going to be in the band. Saki would probably be happy about that. I think you would be too. She's probably going to perform at the festival next year, and you would have loved to see that. It just makes sense for her to be in band. After all, she wouldn't be the first girl named Kayoko to be in the Yamaku band.

"Mom?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Will you tell me how you and dad met?"

I smile at her. "Which time?"

She laughs softly, "Didn't you run into him and knock him over both times."

I laugh. "I sure did. Why do you want to hear it if you already know?"

She shrugs, "I like hearing about it. I like all the stories of you two falling in love. You can tell a few of those too, if you want."

I recount to her both times I met you. The first time when we were still in high school at Yamaku. The second time when we both worked there. I tell her about that day at the beach, our first date, how you proposed to me. She always thinks it's funny that it took us so long to realize we were in love with each other. Of course, it probably doesn't help that Chisato still brings it up every time we see her. Which is almost every day these days.

She smiles once I've completed the stories. "You two were so lovey-dovey, even in your 50s. It made me kind of sick when I had to see you two…all over each other all the time. Like, whose parents kiss and snuggle like that in front of them?" She makes an over-the-top 'grossed out' face.

I roll my eyes at her. "How very traumatic for you."

She laughs, "But now I like looking back on it. You two were so in love. I hope I find a love like that someday." She reaches out and squeezes my hand, "I'm sorry you lost that, mom…. I really miss him, too." We both start crying a little more intensely now.

I put my arm around her. "Your father was a wonderful man. He loved us so much and we loved him just as much. So, it's only natural that he would leave such a hole in our hearts. But you know what? I'm happy we had him for all the time we did. We have lots of wonderful memories with him that we'll always be able to cherish."

She looks up at me and sniffles. "What's your favorite memory of him?"

I blink a few times. She really put me on the spot. There are so many to choose from. "That's…a hard question. Give me a second…"

It was probably the first time we made love because of everything it meant. But I'm not going to tell her that. Maybe in 20 years or 30 years. There is a close second though.

"I think it was when we first met you at the orphanage. We both loved you the moment we saw you. The smile he had on his face when he first saw you was one of the most beautiful things I ever saw. And it's how he always smiled at you, so I got to see it a lot. He picked you up and I got on the other side of you and we just stood there sort of snuggling you. It was one of the most perfect moments in my life."

Kayoko sniffles, "That's really nice. I…wish I could remember…that day."

I rub her back with my hand. "That would be nice, but I'm sure you have lots of nice things you do remember. You put me on the spot. Now it's your turn. What's your favorite memory of your father?"

Her answer comes almost immediately.

"I was probably 7, I guess? I hurt my ankle the day before the Yamaku festival, and I was kind of down about it because I didn't think I would be able to do all the stuff I wanted to. But dad made sure we got a kid's wheelchair in time and pushed me around all night, helped me play the games I wanted to. We even caught a goldfish. Then he carried me up to the roof and held me for the fireworks and held me the whole time. I forgot all about being hurt. I had j-just as m-much fun as I had the year b-before. M-maybe m-more..."

She cradles her head in her hands and starts bawling. I wrap my arms around her and rock her while tears fall down my own face. "Yes, I remember that night. He was such a good dad. He loved you so much, Kayoko. With memories like that, you'll always be able to feel how much he loved you. Even if he isn't with us anymore."

Once Kayoko has cried herself out and is wiping away her tears, I resolve to get us out of the cemetery. I think you would feel like we spent enough time crying about you today.

"Why don't we go home? I'll make you and your dad's favorite meal, and then we can watch a movie or something."

She nods, and we get up and walk out of the cemetery together, arm in arm.

"Can we play chess instead of a movie?"

I sigh, "Yes, if that's what you want to do. Do you enjoy beating up on your old mother?"

"Hey, you beat me sometimes. I thought it would be nice to play today because dad loved it so much."

I chuckle, "Yes, that's true. You know, I only ever beat your father a handful of times over the course of what had to be 500 games. At least I beat you more often than that."

She smiles at me with a little competitive fire in her eyes, "Only a little more often. But yeah, that's why I had him teach me instead of you." She sticks her tongue out at me. I have no idea where she would have picked up such a rude gesture.

I poke her in the side playfully, "Now I'm not going to show you any mercy, little girl. You've asked for it."

She laughs, "Oh, I'm so scared, mom."

I'll be back next week, Hisao. I love you.

FIN

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Author's Note:

I have finally gotten all the stories that were in my head out of there. Something else might come to me in the future, but for the first time in the two months since I started writing all of this, I no longer feel like there is more to tell. Thanks for reading!