Tank's Purr-fact Christmas
All characters belong to Janet.
/ Tank's Point of View/
Wednesday, December 2.
What the hell? This is the second day in a row! Yesterday when I got to the office, I found a neatly wrapped Christmas present in my desk. It was unmarked, but it was inside the secure rangeman building so I was sure it wasn't a physical threat.
Yesterday's gift had been a stapler in the shape of a cat. While I like cats, I don't get why anyone would think I needed that! What kind of badass would have a cat stapler?
Today's "gift" was in a Santa gift bag. Still no tag. I set it under my desk and got down to work. I had a core team meeting in ten minutes.
I ignored that gift much of the day, but by three o'clock, I decided I had to know. A Christmas stocking with a furry cat appliqué was inside. A typed note said "for your door." Like hell! I shoved it back in the bag, added the stapler from yesterday, and shoved the bag back under my desk.
Thursday, December 3:
On Thursday, I was running late. I'd stayed a little later in the gym to beat some sense into one of the guys…sometimes it took mat time to get them to listen. As I scurried into my office to log into my video conference, I only has time to glare at the package wrapped in dancing snowmen. I groaned and ignored the package mocking me.
I couldn't remain focused on my call. Who's going to be facing mat time? That made me smile…at least on the inside, I thought. Lester pinged me immediately asking what was up. I guess my expression hadn't been blank. I ignore him and went back to listening to the meeting.
Ranger came into my office in the late morning and raised an eyebrow in question while looking at the package. I shrugged a shoulder and didn't address it. He continued on without further question. Lester was a bit more vocal in his questioning, but I still deflected.
I didn't open the package until I was ready to leave for the day. I noted the package was rather sloppily wrapped in contrast to the first package. Was the perp (yes, I thought perp) in a rush? I quietly closed the door to unwrap in privacy…I was dreading kitty underwear or some such crap.
The cat mug was sort of cute, but no way I'd use that around here even if it wasn't from the secret Santa perp. I'm not turning in my man card. I shoved the mug in the bag of the previous gifts under my desk and headed out for the day.
Saturday, December 5:
Two more gifts arrived the next two days. Looked like they weren't stopping for the weekends?! So, on Saturday I unwrapped a "hang in there" wall plaque with a kitten hanging from a clothes line and cat covered socks large enough for my feet. This was out of control.
The items were introduced to the other items now under my desk.
Monday, December 7:
I avoided the office on Sunday. I didn't even want to know. However on Monday, I skipped gym time to head to my office first thing. I was hoping if I slipped in silently and left my door slightly closed so you didn't realize I was in there coming down the hall that I might catch the perp when he dropped off the next gift…though I also hoped there just wouldn't be another.
Instead, I was greeted by a desk chair covered in cat fabric with a bright red bow and gift box on my desk. Looking closer I realized my desk chair had a cover over it and I was able to pull the thing off. The box just mocked me.
I went ahead and ripped the box open.
What the hell? Why would anyone spend good money on a painting of a cat dressed with a starched formal collar like George Washington or something? Someone has lost their mind and I know they are laughing at my expense!
I got up and kicked my door closed. Cheeriest time of year my ass! Who the hell is doing this?
Tuesday, December 8:
I'm determined to be in a better mood. It's the holiday season, and I can't get out of this funk. I've decided to catch my perp. I've wondered if there is anyone that could help, but I'm not sure there is anyone I can trust.
As I entered my office a small jewelry sized box wrapped in silver foil was on my desk. A keychain made like a cat's head was inside. On further inspection, I realized that the keychain was meant to be a weapon similar to brass knuckles for someone with fingers much smaller than mine. The ears could do some damage. Maybe Bomber would appreciate this?
I spent the next several hours considering how to track the perp and catch them. I also considered the consequences I'd impart. Shipping people off to unknown places was Ranger's thing. I usually took guys to the mats but that didn't seem like enough.
Wednesday, December 9.
Nothing on my desk this morning? Huh? Maybe they hadn't gotten the rise out of me they hoped? I can hope right?!
However, when I returned from my first out of office meeting, there it was...the next in what seemed to be an endless series. This package was relatively large but wrapped without a box. It was hap-hazard and hastily wrapped. It was soft and plush like a pillow. A full size, soft blanket with pictures of realistic cat breeds came from the wrapping. Not the worst gift but not sure I really want that on my couch either…what would the guys think? Do I care what they think?
After lunch, I was starting to review last week's time sheets so I decided to cross reference staff schedules with the receipt of packages. I wondered why today's package was late? Was it someone that had a later shift?
Unfortunately after 45 minutes, I realized I was at a deadend. The fact that so many men lived on site was making it difficult to rule people out. There were a few that had not been on site a few of the days, but what if this was a team I wondered.
I placed a call to Hector. He promised to have the security camera recording links in my inbox in the next half hour. About 40 minutes later he gave me a call explaining there was an issue with the cameras. It appears that someone had been scrambling them at various times. He hadn't been able to reverse engineer the video. He asked if I knew what that was about. I directed him to send me the links even with the scrambles. As I suspected, there was no sign of anyone entering my office with gifts…the scrambling had hidden my perp. Ugh.
Hector told me there was no way to tell who had scrambled the cameras. Any core team member carried a fob that could automatically scramble, but the front desk and monitor staff could also scramble. We'd never needed to track who scrambled, so that wasn't available. When I pushed, he said it would take several days to update the system but he'd have to verify security protocol on the program which could be a couple of weeks. That might not be in my timeframe, but I told him to get that added for "security reasons".
Thursday, December 10:
A gift bag with a buddha-belly cat candle was delivered overnight. Why would they make these things? Gag gifts couldn't justify this, could they?
Friday, December 11:
On Friday morning, a cookie jar shaped like a cat napping showed up on my desk with a bright red bow tied around its neck. To make matters worse it was full of cookies, but they weren't even fresh baked.
Stephanie came trotting through the office just before lunch and stopped at my door to say "hi". It had been at least a week since she'd been around and it was always good to see her smile, but her smile was even wider when she saw the cookie jar.
"That's awesome, Tank. Keeping your gun stored away? I told you it was a good storage spot."
"Ha, ha. It was a gift," I replied.
"Lucky you. Does it have cookies?" She had entered my office and opened the cookie jar in lieu of waiting for my response. She grabbed a couple. "Would have been better if they were fresh baked!"
I grunted in response.
"You don't seem to care about the cookies, Tank. I think that was a thoughtful gift," she continued.
I picked up and shoved the whole cookie jar to her in response. She smiled and walked out carrying the hideousness.
Just after lunch, I got a visit from Ranger.
"She did not need a cookie jar or cookies," he told me.
"Better her than me," I replied. "I didn't bring them in."
Ranger scowled and left my office.
Saturday, December 12:
I avoided my office on purpose today. I was off, so I spent the day out of the building all together. When I returned to my apartment in the early evening, I was greeted by a doormat featuring a cat and the words: "Please knock. The cats are naked."
You've got to be kidding me. I stepped over it, but left it in place.
Several times throughout the evening, I heard laughter outside my door, but I couldn't face them. When I could see no one through the peephole, I pulled the mat inside.
Sunday, December 13:
Was this person working seven days a week? No one had been on nights for the last couple of weeks straight.
On the top of my file cabinet was a gift bag. It was pretty heavy and I realized it contained many, individually wrapped pieces. I did not need a bunch more stuff!
As I unwrapped the first piece I was confused. Why does the cat figure have a scarf in its head? The second had a crown. The third had a halo and I started to put it together. The pieces came together to form a whole nativity set of cat figurines.
I shook my head. I have no words. I put the items back in the bag and set them under my desk. I'm not sure my mother would agree with hiding away the nativity, but I just can't…
Monday, December 14
Today was a black t-shirt with the image of a cat and the words "the catfather" in the script used for the Godfather movies. Kind of funny and it was black. Maybe I'd wear it on vacation, but I don't know. I typically try to blend which is hard for a man of my size, but maybe the ladies would find it more approachable?
I tucked the shirt under my desk.
At five o'clock as I started to leave for the day, I set up my laptop to record, and I placed it on my conference table hoping it just looked like I left it askew. Tonight I hope to catch the perp.
Tuesday, December 15:
The next morning there was a gift sitting in the hall outside my office door. How did they know?
I pulled the camera recording from my laptop to see if anyone had come in. Other than the cleaning crew, there were four entries. What the heck?!
Stephanie dropped off a bunch of searches about eight o'clock last night.
Lester had walked in with a file folder which were the schedule change requests on my desk.
Vince poked his head in around 0730 appearing to look for me. No suspicious packages in his hands.
Hal brought in my coffee cup I'd left in the kitchen last night. Seemed odd, but not odd.
The small gift was covered in gingerbread man wrapping paper. Inside was a pewter frame with a variety of cat figures at the base of the frame. This wasn't the worst…
Wednesday, December 16:
On Wednesday, I got a Fed Ex delivery of a wrapped gift which was a cat toilet paper holder. This thing was hideous. It was a three dimensional cartoon cat reaching out; his paws held the toilet paper roll.
I tried to track the package by calling and stating the sender information was left off, but it was dropped off at a facility in Trenton was all they could tell me.
Thursday, December 17:
Today was FUBAR. I was drug straight out of the gym to a scene where shots were fired. I spent all day trying to figure out what happened, cajoling the police, and then coordinating with the hospital for the guys that has been hit by shrapnel. There weren't major injuries, but the injuries took a lot of time to address.
I dragged my ass back to my office by midafternoon. I hadn't thought about my secret Santa perp all day, but I walked into a pillow shaped like a cat sitting on my side chair. This pillow was an actual photo of my favorite cat including his black collar and skull tag.
I left it there and went back to my apartment. I was done.
Friday, December 18:
A cat wind chime was hanging from the sprinkler head in my office when I showed up on Friday morning.
I climbed on my desk and cut it down. I added it to the growing pile under my desk and got to work.
Saturday, December 19:
I was trained to sleep anywhere. I'd scrambled the cameras and snuck back to my office at 11 pm last night. There was no reason anyone would be headed into my office on a Friday night or Saturday morning unless they were up to no good. I'm a light sleeper and was hoping I would wake if anyone opened my door.
When I awoke, nothing seemed to have changed in my office. I laid quietly for a couple more hours hoping I'd still catch someone before I was expected to report around 0800. No one showed. I worked a few hours and then headed down to my apartment for a quick lunch around noon.
Outside my apartment door was a cat tree decorated with various ornaments. By cat tree, I mean a climbing structure designed to look like a tree that the cat can climb and hide in. This one wasn't just carpet and jute though…it had leaves and twigs to look like a real tree. In truth, my cats would love this, but seriously? A variety cat balls, Christmas ball ornaments, and bows decorated the tree. I scooted the whole set up into my apartment and shut the door. I took a shower, ate a quick lunch, and headed down to the gym.
Sunday, December 20:
A Christmas stocking was hanging on my door knob when I made it to the office on Sunday. It was surprisingly heavy when I pulled it off the door knob. Inside was a six-inch crystal cat figurine. Seemed like something my mom would like. May I could regift it?
Monday, December 21:
On Monday, a courier delivered a wrapped poster. Gene, who was manning the front desk, had opened it initially and laughed when he asked me to come to the lobby. The poster was a black cat with combat helmet peeking out of a tank.
I took it and shoved it under my desk.
At lunch, Gene was describing the poster to a room full of guys. They all had a great laugh.
Tuesday, December 22:
Last night I left one of the wireless hidden cameras Stephanie wears for distractions hidden behind a plant on my desk pointed at the door. When I made it to my office, there was another sloppily wrapped box sitting on my desk. The camera was gone.
Upon opening the package, I found a desk caddy for pins and a note pad. Included was a "Best Cat Dad" notepad.
I've given up. This is going to stop on Christmas, right?
Wednesday, December 23:
On Wednesday, a large gift was on my kitchen counter when I woke up. How the hell did they get this in here without waking me up? I guess I'm sleeping too soundly assuming I'd be safe in this building. Now I'm not sure how safe I am.
Opening the package, I found an espresso maker. Wow! That was cool, but it was shaped like a cat. Why would anyone make one shaped like a cat? Was there really a market for expensive kitchen equipment shaped like pets? Could I leave this on my counter or would it be too embarrassing? I'm not sure, but I sure as hell am going to have an expresso this morning.
When I made it to my office, I was shocked. Cal, Bobby, and Hal were standing at my office door giggling like a bunch of school girls. The perp had been here as well. All the gifts I'd shoved under my desk were spread out decorating my office. My door was open and apparently several people had already gotten an eyeful. Not an hour later, a photo was being emailed across our offices.
Thursday, December 24:
On Christmas Eve, I received a pajama-gram. This is a thing? In a fancy, Christmas box was a pair of footed pajamas covered in Christmas cats, a Christmas mug, and a box of peppermint hot chocolate. How did they get footed pajamas that looked like it would fit me?
I wouldn't be caught dead in these things. I won't even take them up to my secluded cabin. This is crazy!
How is the perp going to top this?
Friday, December 25:
I was working today letting a variety of others have the day off. Slid under my office door was a Christmas envelope.
I opened the envelope hesitantly. Inside was an invoice stating "paid in full" with an estimated delivery date of January 13. What? The part was described as "hand carved, king size bed frame - pouncing cat". You've got to be kidding me?
There was a website address and a part number. Was I really going to fall for this?
I plugged the website into the browser bar and got rerouted immediately by Rangeman IT.
On my screen popped up a picture of the bed, and my eyes popped out of my head. But two seconds later my screen was filled with a series of dancing elves with the heads of various Rangemen superimposed. Problem was, I don't know if this is a group effort or one person implicating others. One person I knew…Hector had to have rerouted the browser, but I don't think he was the instigator.
Unfortunately, Hector's the one guy in this office other than Ranger that I'm not in the mood to cross.