Previously Titled: To Dream a World of Impossibilities
Rated M for a reason- dattebayo!
Just made a few changes! So, please excuse any errors until i can proof read again- in the next day or two-with fresh eyes!
This was my very first FF and brought me so much further as a writer!
I had alot of fun writing it, so I hope you have a good time reading!
I had been plagued with night terrors for a week. Not the 'just bad dreams' type either.
The ones that played out the memories I least wanted, like my subconscious, were a movie.
I couldn't help myself as I sat there in the dark office- the one I'd grown so accustomed to over the years.
The familiar stacks of pages that had once adorned the desk were gone, like so many other things… people… in my life, replaced by the dim light of a computer screen.
My mind had begun to wander over the past. Groping it, I combed for any sign of regret. Finding too many to count, I plucked each memory out one by one. Over analyzing everything, every moment. Scrutinizing myself, my choices. My flippancy.
I was honestly stewing on things I already knew, that I wasn't capable of protecting the things I loved. As I packed my bag with the few remaining things I had left, in what was now Naruto's office, I considered my time as Hokage, how that too was a fleeting thing I only begrudgingly took on. How I'd somehow managed to keep the village stable during reconstruction, yet haven't felt anything for myself.
For the entirety of my existence, I've been merely a poorly crafted tool. An upgrade here or there that would flounder and diminish over time; My missing Sharingan or how I'd been so sure about the Chidori, but its speeds created limitations. Watching Obito help my team defeat Kaguya while I stood as a helpless bystander, the seemingly anti-climatic new Jutsu I'd developed. At this point, like many others, I was thoroughly beating myself up.
I thumbed the picture of my old team, staring at it blankly while remaining in a fog of confusion and feeling doomed to my life of solitude. Maybe it's better that way. The thought echoed in my mind. I carefully placed the picture frame into my duffle bag, zipping it shut. Submerged in my melancholic monologue, I was so preoccupied that I didn't notice the approaching footsteps.
The noise of the door opening was more jarring than it should have been. I had sincerely hoped my last night as acting Hokage would've been a quiet one. Of course I had hoped for many things in my life, so why should this time be different than any other? I supposed. I reluctantly accepted the intrusive presence when my eyes fell on their familiar faces. Still wanting to be alone in my sorrowful turmoil. Still wanting to somehow think myself out of my sadness. Always trying to rationalize a way out of things.
"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd still be here, Hokage-sama"
"Please, drop the formalities, Naruto's already been through his inauguration." I said flatly, tossing my bag over my shoulder, in hopes it would indicate my intention to leave sooner rather than later. A piece of me wanted to retreat to the comfort of my bed, turn off my head, sleep, or read. Anything that would occupy my thoughts. Something the company of other people never seemed to do. Sakura stood in the entryway with a stack of papers clutched in her hands. Her demeanor was the slightest bit off-putting. My self-pity temporarily fleeing from my mind softened my tone. "Are you okay?"
I could have sworn I saw her hands tremble in the slightest of movements, a gentle shake of the page corners. Maybe just a draft from the hallway.
"I'm just finishing up my shift for the night." She hesitated for a moment before continuing. "I was stopping by to drop off those medical reports; The ones from the genin who got a little scraped up while trying to find that lost cat."
She shook the papers in her hands with a polite smile and walked towards me, neatly patting the stack into a pile on the desk between us.
"I'm glad I caught you before you left, though. I'm surprised you're not out celebrating your final day as Hokage with Gai-sensei or something."
She looked at me inquisitively as she spoke and raised her eyebrow at my duffle bag. "Feeling sentimental are we?"
"How observant of you Sakura." Sarcasm dripped from my voice. "I noticed you avoided my question." I jested, attempting to divert her attention from myself.
The light obscured across her face as she cast it downward, her expression stained with distant thoughts; A look I was all too familiar with.
She certainly doesn't seem like she's okay. My thoughts crept in to haunt me again, my inherent need to protect everything. A panging fear in my chest grew with the lengthy silence following my statement.
"I honestly don't know." Her voice came out weak and gentle when she finally responded. The words barely held weight as they surfaced from somewhere deep within her. I could feel the genuineness she exhaled with them. A familiar feeling, the uncertainty. I felt like I knew what she meant, at least on some level. But I've never been good at expressing my own emotions. All I could muster at the time was-
"What do you mean?" - in a vaguely concerned tone.
Leaning against the wall, the woman sighed. "I don't want to trouble you with meaningless inner crises." She waved a hand at me dismissively. I almost missed her unsuccessful attempt to wipe the lugubrious expression off her face.
I wanted so badly to let her attempt at nonchalance overpower the conversation. To allow myself an easy exit, accept her disparaging statement, and go home. But, something in the all too familiar way she was avoiding made me see something of myself in her. Maybe I didn't want anyone else to feel the way I felt. Maybe I didn't want to see a friend in pain. Maybe I thought I could help. Or judged myself for even considering not trying to help, at the very least. I'm still not sure, but whatever it was, it engendered the unthinkable. I decided to pry into Sakura's personal life, at the expense of an easy opportunity to retreat; one she'd literally handed to me. Too afraid of the thought of a friend in pain to care.
"No, you've got my curiosity now,'' I said, offering her a reassuring smile that she couldn't see behind my mask. Sitting my bag down on the desk, I dusted my hands off dramatically to show her I wanted to hear what she had to say. "What could possibly have Haruno Sakura down, when just a day ago she was happily cheering Naruto into his ordination as Hokage?"
"Oh, I'm happy for Naruto, I just-" She hugged herself like it was cold, letting her eyes drift to the bay window behind me. "I don't know Kakashi, something's been up with Sasuke and I recently."
"Sasuke?" I attempted to hide the surprise in my voice and hoped it worked.
"Mm." She hummed, nodding. "We've been discussing a lot of things, Sarada and…" Her hesitation accentuated her anguished expression. "Our relationship," she said, her voice cracking as tears began to well up in her eyes.
"Woah, Sakura-chan, calm down. I didn't mean to ask about something that would upset you.'' I took a step towards her, holding my hands up as if to imply I meant no ill-will, instinctively more than anything.
I should've just left it alone. I cursed internally.
"No-" The woman wiped at her eyes, trying to hide the few tears that had found their way out of her. "It's fine. I'm glad you asked. I've not really had anyone to talk about it with." She tried to catch the breath that had escaped her. Seemingly readying herself for her own words while I stood there dumbly; Adding my inquiry to the latest list of things I regretted doing. "We've been discussing getting a divorce." She spoke the words slowly, as if it was the first time she said them out loud.
"A divorce?-" I echoed stupidly, she nodded in confirmation. Unsure of what I could say, feeling helpless yet again. "-Why?"
"He's never home…. He's- he's an amazing father to Sarada and he says he still wants to be. But-" She squeezed her eyes shut as if trying not to look at something. I watched as her knuckles whitened against the tension of her closed fists. She shook her head as though she was trying to dispel a memory, taking a deep breath before continuing. "It was me, I brought it up first." she spat.
I was a little flabbergasted. I'd watched this woman grow up fawning after the Uchiha, the pain she'd gone through just to bring him home. The bond she'd formed with him. I knew how her feelings had accumulated. What he meant to her. Watched as their child had begun to grow. As they grew.
"You brought up divorce?'' I croaked. The disbelief evident in my voice this time.
"He's never home," she repeated, almost defensively. Her eyes reopened and fixed themselves somewhere non-specific.
The vague nature of her explanation was something I also saw in my likeness. Maybe it is better to be alone. I pondered, selfishly. Somewhere deep down, I empathized with the pink-haired comrade that stood, defeated, in front of me. I wanted desperately to resolve her problems for her, to wrap up the situation. But all I could do was listen. So, that's what I did, until the wee hours of the morning. She spoke about her feelings in depth, pouring a sad heart out to a dear friend under waning moonlight. I couldn't bring myself to initiate an end to her venting. Especially when I watched the relief spread across her with each word she spewed. If all I could do was listen, I would. Despite the moments that I yawned and stretched tiredly at my aching back, having leaned uncomfortably on the desk for a little too long. Despite knowing she had to be up in the morning for work. I wondered why talking never made me feel any better, then questioned if I'd ever even truly tried. I hadn't. But I dismissed the thoughts of myself as I hung onto Sakura's every word, searching for anything that I could make easier for her, or fix for her, to no avail. No sagely advice from her former sensei. Divorce and marriage are not the things I've gathered experience in. Utterly helpless again.
"I think I'm just lonely. I feel like I can't strengthen a connection with someone who's always gone," She said as her rant began to decelerate. Probably realizing I had nothing good to say in return to make her feel any better.
"Unfortunately, that's a common feeling among Shinobi. So, I think you should do whatever would make you the happiest, Sakura." I managed, hoping it sounded thoughtful or wise. The sympathy for her was stifled by something else entirely when she looked up at me.
A certain depth protruded from her sea-foam green irises the second her pupils met my own. The depth of a woman who had felt many pains. My heart, at that moment, felt the twinge of hope. Like someone could understand my own feelings, though I hadn't spoken about them. Lost in my self-absorbed thoughts, I didn't realize how long our gazes had begun to linger on each other. When I did, however, I broke the silence by forcing an awkward cough, rudely excusing myself. Or rather, abruptly leaving. Unwilling to confront whatever had just taken place, I practically ran away from the office; scooping my bag up quickly and stammering out a broken-
"I-I'm sorry,- I should probably get going- there's, uh, a- something I forgot I have to do." A sorry excuse, as usual. Only half-listening to her response that seemed muffled by my rushed wave goodbye as I slipped through my office door. That was my last time exiting the Hokage Tower as acting Hokage, and I was full of ambivalence.
It was nothing. I'm sure. I reassured myself on the walk home. But I had trouble ignoring the look she'd just given me. Most uncomfortably, I was considering my own feelings. In particular, how I'd lost track of my thoughts while she was talking. I'd been staring at her for a while without even thinking about it. Consumed with the thought of how she had been the only person I ever truly related to. She knew so much about me, now that I was thinking about it. I felt like we didn't even have to speak to be on the same page usually. On missions, and in our day-to-day. When she would bring me lunch when I was too overworked to leave the office.
No, I forced the word to the front of my mind; semi-effectively ending my train of thought. This is Sakura. That's entirely inappropriate, I was her teacher at some point. Or is it even inappropriate to think of her as...I couldn't find a word for the feeling. … think of her as someone who understands me? That's not inherently romantic or anything. Besides, I could never claim credit for the ninja she is today. I kicked myself mentally, knowing Tsunade was her true mentor. Forcing myself to acknowledge Sakura's success was nothing I contributed to.
I felt selfish in the moment, for even considering that I was successful enough to be called her mentor, her teacher. She had long since dropped the 'Sensei' from my name when she addressed me. Sakura and the rest of team 7 had become legends on their own, for the most part. I was just a team leader, something I've done since I was small, with many different teams.
So this must just feel off because I don't usually let teammates open up to me like that. Yeah. I tried to shake it off, that must be it.
The problems she'd just painted vividly for me were still fresh in my mind when I tucked myself in. I had never been fond of how Sasuke treated her. It was the basic principle of having such little regard for someone who loves you. Something I had been painfully reminded of throughout my life. Most of the important people from my childhood were dead. A product of the times. Something specifically bothered me that the last surviving Uchiha, besides Sarada, couldn't see the value in it. I'd figured he would see the sorrow of life's fickleness better with his Sharingan, but he continued to put other things as his priority. His own selfishness. Something I was also too familiar with.
I fell asleep, entangled in thoughts of my own perceived hypocrisy, destined for another night-terror.
In the early hours of the morning I awoke from my nightmare, abruptly. An all too cheery knock protruded through my home. A pink sunrise graced my window. Grateful for my horrific slumber being just a dream, I slipped a shirt and mask on. Not entirely ecstatic at the 3 faces peering back at me when I swung open my door and the morning light came crackling through to blind me.
Oh great.
"Happy first day of your red hot summer of youth!" Gai said at the sight of my groggy face.
"Sheesh, retirement doesn't look too good on you, Kakashi," Tsunade chided from his side.
"Give him a chance to wake up guys," Yamato said, smiling and pushing past me into the house. The other two follow suit.
"Sorry, I didn't sleep too well last night,'' I responded nervously, touching my neck apologetically.
"I slept like a baby when I finally left all that paperwork in your capable hands." The blonde woman laughed, finding a place to sit on my couch like she owned the place. "You should really take better care of yourself, Kakashi." She noted, sending a pointed glare at my disheveled bed-head.
Gai had rolled himself into my kitchen, already energetically preparing tea for everyone.
"So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" I asked with my eyes darting between my guests.
"We came to congratulate you and get you up and going for the day," Yamato offered, taking a cup from Guy.
"And to invite you to your party!" The green-clad man added with too much pep for how early.
I sighed internally, I hate parties.
"My party?"
"A few people wanted to put something nice together for you," Tsunade said from her seat, fluffing a throw pillow and bouncing her leg impatiently.
"It's nothing big," Yamato added assuringly.
"At least put on something nice," she said, eyeing Yamato. "It's not big, but your party hosts want it to be a nice affair."
"My party hosts?"
The woman nodded, affirming my inquiry, "There will be Sake too, so make sure you eat a good breakfast or I'll drink you under the table."
I again felt helpless, but to appease those around me. The easiest thing to do, the path of least resistance, was to simply obey; with hopes I could manage to leave early or sneak off. At least Gai and Yamato would be there. At Least there would be Sake. A drunk Tsunade sounding terribly amusing, however frightening she was. I assured myself I would be fine. That I could survive the party, and telling myself it would be rude to object to 'my hosts' invitation, without even knowing who they were.
Some surprise party, I thought to myself with an audible scoff. To know there's a party for you, just not who's throwing it. How mysterious. Who will be there? The questions ate away at both myself and the day.
Eventually, I would find myself between my unexpected visitors; now well-dressed, and pushing me through the cloth door of some establishment. A pink sunset behind a small, humble, building with eloquent subtle grace. It stood between many others that were not quite like it. Inside was a modest restaurant and the four of us were ushered into a private room in the back. When the doors slid open, I was happy to see many friends' faces; all talking enthusiastically, before happily greeting me.
Naruto stood first, Hinata at his side, to hug me. Sakura was next, Sasuke didn't stand with her. He would instead give me a nod and a weak smile that I returned awkwardly. Ten-ten, Lee, Genma, Sai, Ino, and Kurenai, all greeted us in their own ways. Most congratulated me on retirement. Sakura seemed a bit uncomfortable, but I brushed it off, assuming it was just because of what she'd talked about the night before. I chose to avoid it under the assumption that it was best anyways, given our setting. Not that I wanted to talk about it regardless. Some things are best left unsaid.
Who cares if I relate to Sakura? I wasn't willing to think any further into it. I just wished she didn't have to experience the things that brought her pain. I left it at supposing life is just like that, somewhere in the back of my head as we all talked and drank. Nice to be around them all, surprised at myself for not dreading the monotony of it.
As it turned out, the party had been Sakura's idea and Naruto's treat. I was grateful, though I couldn't help but notice how quiet the kunoichi had been throughout the meal. She avoided eye contact with me, but she was also avoiding any conversation with Sasuke. The air was thick with an awkwardness that only we could see. I kept wanting to look at her, I wasn't sure why, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Every time I did, I got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't explain. I didn't like seeing her feel misplaced. The idea that someone was causing her pain. It didn't sit right with me.
Sasuke remained in his usual stoic demeanor. Only really speaking when Naruto instigated him. I didn't like that either of them was uncomfortable, stiffly sitting next to each other. Or that Sasuke was obviously giving her the cold shoulder.
"Sasuke," I said rather nosily after a few drinks. "It's surprising to see you in town.'' I meant it genuinely, though Sakura's face looked nervous. I wondered if I was closer to her if I'd be able to hear her accelerated heartbeat; her involuntary response to her spiked awareness in the face of anxiety. She should have known I would never purposefully make her uncomfortable. Especially in front of so many friends, in front of him. The heat in her face spoke volumes to contradict that.
"Oh, yeah, I'm here for a few days, for personal business. Spending time training with Sarada and what not." The man answered, popping some food in his mouth uncaringly.
"Well, I'm glad you could make it.'' I smiled at him, which seemed to ease Sakura's tension; He returned a polite smile to me.
"Yeah, I figured today would be the best, so everyone could be here. At least while they're still taking it easy on me." Naruto laughed as he spoke.
"The first day's the only break you'll get," Tsunade said over her sake cup.
"Kakashi would know," Gai added, patting my back. "You'll finally have free time to do things with me now!" His smile almost shone in the lamp light.
After a while i excused myself. Finding my way outside for some fresh air, the excitement of the party had begun to wear off and the sake had me missing my couch.
The room was filled with drunken shinobi sitting shoulder to shoulder, and I just couldn't bear the stimulation any longer. Having snuck out between laughs that I could still hear, mumbled through the walls, I leaned against the building and sighed; expelling my exhaustion into the constellations above me. The stars in the sky reminded me of how small I was. Reminding me I was lucky to have these friends, despite being thoroughly ready to go home. Forever fighting my evasive nature.