Homer the Vigilante A cat burglar steals from everyone in town. Starting with the Simpsons.
And Bart has a stamp collection!
PlotThe chalkboard gag is "I am not authorised to fire substitute teachers."
"I am." said Oscar.
The couch gag is the Simpsons running into each other and exploding! Oscar laughs.
The episode starts one night with everyone in bed sleeping.
A figure, obviously a burglar arrives at the Simpsons house. They're about to use tools to jimmy open the front door but Homer left his door keys in the door... numbskull...
The burglar lets themselves in.
Santa's Little Helper growls at the burglar but they offer him sausages and he calms down.
Then Homer sleepwalks downstairs. The burglar gives him some sausages. He eats them in his sleep.
The burglar goes upstairs. First to Lisa's room. He finds her in her sleep playing her saxophone. He steals it and replaces it with a party blower.
Then from Bart he steals a portable TV and replaces it with a book labelled "Coping with Loss"
Then in the attic from Hugo he steals his fish bucket and replaces it with a Child Helpline card. Ain't that nice? Well the stealing wasn't...
From Marge he steals her necklace and replaces it with a rainbow one like in Homer's photographic memory.
The next morning Homer was sleeping in the downstairs hall from last night's sleep walking.
"Dad wake up! Dad wake up!" The kids woke him. "We've been robbed!"
Homer screamed.
"The burglar took my saxophone!" Lisa cried.
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered.
"Homer!" Marge told him off for being insensitive.
"And they took the portable TV!" said Bart.
Homer screamed.
"And my necklace!" said Marge.
"Eh that's not so bad..." said Homer.
"Homer! It was a precious Bouvier family heirloom!" Marge explained.
"Eh you probably have an entire drawer of them." said Homer.
"True but they're precious heirlooms too!" said Marge.
"The burglar even took my stamp collection!" Bart whined.
"Ha! You have a stamp collection?!" Lisa laughed. The Simpsons all laughed at Bart.
The living room phone rang. Bart picked it up to see who was calling. On the other end of the call was Nelson. "Stamp collection?! Haw haw!"
Lisa was sad. "Awww... Bart's pain is funny but mine isn't! I've had that saxophone my entire life! It's my only creative outlet..."
"No your brother's pain isn't funny young lady and shame on you for thinking it is!" Marge told her off. "I'm sure Bart adored his stamp collection."
"But mom! This is Bart we're talking about! Him collecting stamps?! Why would he even find that interesting?!" Lisa asked incredulously.
"There's a lot of things about me you don't know about Lis." said Bart.
Something was crashing about in the attic.
"Aghhh! It's the burglar!" The kids screamed.
"No it's not!" Marge explained. "Homer deal with that..."
Homer went upstairs.
...
"Hey the burglar left his calling card!" said Bart picking up a card by the phone.
"You've just been robbed by the Springfield cat burglar. "Heh... cute..." Marge sighed.
Then Ned arrived. "Hi diddly ho neighborinos!" said Ned.
"Can't talk been burgled..." said Homer.
"You got burgled too?" Ned asked. "Why he took my shroud of Turin beach towels!"
"Cool! A crime wave!" said Bart.
Throughout town various townsfolk has things taken from them.
"Ye gods! My mother's plates!" Skinner gasped.
Barney woke up naked in his empty apartment.
"Hey! I had more stuff than this!"
...
In the kitchen that morning.
"Mom we are insured aren't we?" Lisa asked.
"Homer tell your daughter what you spent the insurance money on." said Marge doing the dishes.
"Curse you magic beans!" Homer yelled.
"Oh stop blaming the beans..." Marge sighed.
Bart laughed.
"Bart what is so funny?" said Marge.
"The magic beans! That Ganeboy game where I climb a beanstalk! It just works! Ahahahaha!" Bart laughed hysterically.
Marge sighed.
Homer called the police. "Police? Are you sitting down? Good! I wish to report a burglary!"
"A what?" said a police officer.
"A burglary!" Homer repeated louder.
"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to speak in a higher register I can't understand you!" said the police officer.
"A higher what?!" Homer asked.
"Raise the pitch of your voice!" said the police officer.
"I wish to report a burglary!" Homer yelled in a squeaky voice.
"What was that sir?" The police officer asked.
"A burglary!" Homer yelled in a squeaky voice.
"Aghhhhh! No! No Monty Python Oz!" Bart screamed in pain.
...
While Homer reported the burglary to Wiggum Marge went up to the attic. Hugo was understandably upset to lose his fish bucket.
"I'm sorry dear. You're father and I are trying our best to get back all our stuff." said Marge.
Hugo growled and made non verbal noises while clanging his food tray against things.
Marge sighed. "I have lunches to make..."
Down in the kitchen Homer was still yelling at the magic beans and Bart was plotting to plant them to get a beanstalk.
Marge sighed as she spread purple jam on pieces of bread for some reason and stacked the bread slices.
The news was on.
"A cat burglar has struck fifteen homes in Springfield!" said Kent with an illustration of a cat dressed as a burglar. "Will this be followed by a slew of mass murders? Now this reporter isn't saying the cat burglar is some inhuman monster like the wolfman... Well actually I am. Professor is this time for everyone to start panicking, go on a rampage and feast on each other's brains?"
"Yes Kent." said a very calm professor who always agreed with Kent's stupid suggestions.
Marge, who was watching the news grumbled annoyed at the professor and Kent. "I never liked that professor..."
"Professor Frink, sprinkle us with your mighty wisdom! How scared should we be?" Homer asked.
"Ga-hoy! Somewhere between not at all and entirely." said Professor Frink.
"I call entirely!" Oscar yelled before screaming like Zoidberg and upsetting the brunch table and shuffling away making Curly sounds. The Simpsons and Frink just sat there covered in food.
…
Then Wiggum at a police conference stupidly contaminated evidence with his sweat and got mauled by one of the police dogs.
"We recovered the burglar's handkerchief from one of the crime scenes." said Wiggum. "One sniff of this baby and our dogs will be hot on his trail!" Wiggum pointed out the police dogs.
Wiggum was sweaty and as I mentioned contaminated the evidence with his sweat by mopping his forehead and armpits with the handkerchief. "Get the scent boys, now kill!"
The dogs lunged at him.
"Aaaaaaagh! My jugular!" Wiggum screamed.
"Coooool!" said Bart.
"You won't see Skip ever do that." said Oscar holding his pet Alsatian on a leash. She squeaked playfully.
"what if she was defending you?" Bart asked.
"Well probably." said Oscar.
Frink in his lab came up with a new type of house.
"When alerted of danger the house springs up on robot legs and runs off down the road!" said Frink as a model demonstrated. however the model malfunctioned and fell to its knees and caught fire. small figures fell out on fire. "Err... The real people won't burn that fast..." said Frink embarrassed.
…
Bart walked home past houses that were already set up with anti intruder devices. He watched as gates clanged shut over the windows and doors electronically.
"Cool! High tech security!" said Bart. Then a Frink o matic walking house got up on giant robot legs and ran away down the street before collapsing and catching fire.
Bart sighed.
There was a house that didn't immediately react to his presence. He threw a rock at it. a laser gun quickly zapped the rock to pieces.
"Coooooool!" said Bart excited, he threw more rocks at it. causing more lasers.
Woooow! Free laserium!" said Jimbo. various townsfolk started hurling rocks at the house to make lasers fire about.
Jasper got zapped and his cataracts got cured. "My cataracts! I can see again! All the colours of the-" however he tempted fate and got zapped again. "Oh. I'm blind. Oh well easy come easy go..."
…
At Home Homer and Marge explained their new safety rules to the kids.
"Remember be home before dark. Never get followed home by anybody..." said Homer.
"Even that walking palm tree?" Oscar asked.
"What walking palm tree?" Homer asked.
"You know. it had big feet and was following us home from the arcade last night." said Oscar.
"Oz that was Sideshow Bob dressed as a palm tree..." Bart sighed.
"And don't take candy from strangers!" said Marge.
"Marge! They're only human!" Homer sighed.
...
Apu was on the roof of the Kwik e mart shooting at people with a sniper rifle.
"See you in hell!" he said to people as they fled.
"Apu, Hindus don't believe in Hell! They believe in reincarnation!" Lisa explained.
"Well... I see you in the next life! Maybe you might come back as a rabbit! Or a dung beetle!" said Apu.
"Well, hasta la vista Shootsey McGee!" said Oscar shooting him with a handgun.
"Oz!" Bart yelled.
"He was asking for it..." said Oscar.
At home Marge tried asking the cops for advice. This time, instead of Monty Python police, she got Wiggum and the usual police force.
"Uh huh... another burglary?! Uh okay I'll see what we can do." Wiggum put down the phone. "That's another burglary Lou."
Lou added a pin to the board. "Chief these are so widespread I think we've got a crime spree on our hands!"
"Perhaps... but if you take this pin and put it here and this pin here... it almost looks like an arrow!" said Wiggum.
"Hey Chief, it's pointing right at this station!" said Eddie.
"Oh my god!" Wiggum screamed and panicked. "Let's get outta here!"
The cops scream and run off.
A newspaper appears reading that headline news was that now fifteen houses had been burgled by the cat burglar. In other news, a man marries a woman in a wedding ceremony. Well that's not news. If he married a monkey I suppose...
Plot 2One night Abe was woken by someone.
"Aaaaaaaagh! It's the cat burglar!" screamed Abe.
The person politely turned on his bedroom light.
"Abe it's me. Can I borrow your ointment?" said a new guy. Pay attention to the new guy...
"Oh It's you Malloy! Sure, but this time be sure to clean out the applicator!" said Abe.
...
At the Simpsons Lisa was crying over her saxophone.
"What's the point of these new safety rules! I've already lost my dearest possession..." Lisa cried.
Homer was setting up a Rube Goldberg trap by the front door involving a goldfish in a bowl.
"Oh big deal Lis. We're all upset! I lost my stamp collection! It was nearly complete..." Bart whined.
"Yeah! You brother loved that stamp collection!" said Homer not caring.
"Daaaaad!" Lisa whined.
"Sweetie I got you a new instrument..."
"This jug?" Lisa held a XXX moonshine jug. She blew into it and made a tune.
Homer giggled and started dancing. Then he started guffawing like a yokel.
Lisa stopped.
"Lisa! Never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown!" Homer said sharply.
Lisa cried.
"Oh sweetie! I can see you missed that Saxophone..." Homer sighed. "I'll get you your horn thingy back..." He hugged Lisa comforting her.
"Saxophone Dad..." said Lisa.
"You know sweetie. Music helps Daddy think..." said Homer.
Lisa sighed and blew into the moonshine jar again.
Homer danced while thinking.
"You guys seem to be forgetting, yes Lisa's upset over her saxophone and Bart is upset over his stamp,collection. But the attic monster is upset too! Over his fish heads bucket!" said Oscar.
Hugo was smashing up the attic in a tantrum.
"There is no attic monster!" Homer snapped.
...
Another house was robbed and the burglar stole the spinning newspaper from the spinning newspaper gag.
At Ned's people gathered including Ruth Powers.
Ned suggested they set up a vigilante group to catch the burglar and enforce the law.
"I second Stupid Flanders idea! But I should lead this Posse!" Homer yelled.
"Homer! Homer! Homer!" everyone cheered.
"I can help!" said Abe.
"No you're too old!" said Homer.
"Tch! Too old?! I single handedly chased the Irish out of Springfield in the forties!" Abe replied.
"And a fine job you did laddie." said an old cartoon Irish guy for some reason.
"Oh my god! An Irish man!" Oscar screamed.
"Dad... old people are very old and useless now..." said Homer mocking his dad. "Aren't ya! Aren't ya!" He tickled Abe and he laughed hysterically.
"Hey stop that! That's a form of abuse!" Abe yelled.
...
At home.
Homer got all the vigilantes shotguns. Coooool!
"Homer I don't think the guns are a great idea..." said Marge.
"NRA! NRA! NRA!" Oscar chanted twirling his handguns about.
"Marge... we're responsible adults..."
A gun went off.
"Oops! My bad!" said Moe as his gun had fired itself.
"And as responsible adults if we can't..." Homer continued but Sea Captains gun went off.
"Arrrr... sorry..." said Sea Captain.
Skinner's gun fired. "Oops!"
Another gun fired, blasting a hole in the ceiling.
"Sorry!" said Bart with a shotgun. Oh my god! He has a gun!
"Dad! Why did you give Bart a gun?!" Lisa whined.
"Because we're angry men filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar." said Homer.
...
"Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball... Barney will be Twelve Ball, Bart, you're Five Ball and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball." said Homer pointing at his posse.
"You're an idiot." said Moe.
"Hey don't call me idiot! Dummy!" Homer snapped.
They went to a weapons museum and were outside being guided about cannons and mortars etc by Herman the one armed man.
"So, wedding, huh?" Herman asked.
"No, we're forming a vigilante group." said Homer.
"Come with me." said Herman shifty.
They were now outside being shown around cannons and guns etc.
"See, it's a miniature version of the A-bomb. The government built it in the '50s to drop on beatniks." said Herman.
In canon Homer is strangely hostile to Beatniks and dreams of riding a bomb like Dr Strangelove upon them. However in my fanon, it's Ned who daydreams while muttering angrily about beatniks.
"Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New Jersey nowhere." A beatnik in a field is playing bongo drums.
[Jet Engine Roaring ]
Ned is flying a jet fighter. "Put this in your pie-diddly-ipe and smoke it!" He deploys the bomb but it gets stuck.
[ Engine Rattles ]
"Hmm?" He goes in the back to find the bomb stuck. [ Angry Grunt ] he sits on it and smacks it to get it loose.
"How now, brown bureaucrat?" The Beatnik is reciting something...
[ Grunting ] Ned continues smacking the bomb until it dislodges and falls with him riding it and suddenly holding a cowboy hat. "Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-ha-ha-ho! Take that, Maynard G. Krebs!" Ned cheers. Mmmmmmm! Dr Strangelove.,,,
In Reality Homer grimaced as he saw Ned and Abe cheering as they rode on the A Bomb.
"Hey, see the sign?" Herman told them off. It said don't ride the bomb.
"Sorry." said Ned and Grampa.
"Dad, what is wrong with you?!" Homer yelled. "Hippies and beatniks are cool!"
"Now you listen here boy! I didn't raise you as a conservative Republican war veteran to adore those commie traitors! Waaaaaa! Baby killers! Waaaaaa! Napalm! War was hell! We had to do our job stopping communism!" Abe ranted.
Ned was ranting about his beatnik parents. "Lousy beatniks..."
Homer winced.
...
Meanwhile the kids were sad about missing beloved objects. Lisa was missing her saxophone. Bart missed his stamp collection and Lisa kept laughing at him for having a stamp collection. And Hugo was angry over his fish heads bucket being stolen. He would not stay in the attic and wait until season eight and ran about on all fours like a dog, growling and breaking things.
Marge sighed.
"Okay, men. It's time to clean up this town!" said Homer.
"Meaning what, exactly?" Seymour Skinner asked.
"You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big." said Homer. "Bart, give me that megaphone of yours." Bart was holding a purple megaphone.
"It's not just "a megaphone," Dad. It's a Rapmaster 2000." said Bart.
"Never mind the commercials. Just give it to me. I've gotta whip this neighborhood into shape." said Homer. "And get back inside Hugo!" The vigilantes drove about as music played from Bart's Rapmaster2000 megaphone. "Move along there." Homer ordered, speaking into the megaphone.
A kid gasps. "It's Hammer!"
Lots of kids dance stupid lame dancing while following Homer's vigilante car like he's the pied piper of Hamlyn.
"Return to your homes and places of business..." said Homer through the megaphone.
Homer is driving when he sees a beatnik playing a saxophone. "Hmmmmm?"
(Saxophone playing.)
Homer gasped and got out and interrogated the man. "Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone?"
"Sears." said the man.
"Get him!" Homer and his posse attack the beatnik.
(Angry Shouting)
"I got him! I got him!" said Moe cheering.
"No burning leaves without a permit!" Homer told off Willie.
"I got one." said Willie.
"Too late!" said Homer putting the fire out with a bucket of water.
The posse caught Jimbo being a delinquent. "You'd better have a good reason for doing that, boy." Homer said sharply.
"It makes me feel like a big man." said Jimbo Jones.
"Let me check my reason list. Yep, it's on here." said Homer reading a list.
"Hey, you're that drunken posse." said Jimbo. "Wow! Can I join ya?"
"I don't know. Can you swing a sack of doorknobs?" Homer asked.
"Can I!" said Jimbo.
"You're in. Here's the sack. But you gotta supply your own knobs." said Homer giving him a sack.
At home, in the kitchen.
"So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"" said Homer acting tough and wearing army uniform.
"Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?" Lisa was on her soapbox.
"I dunno. Coast Guard?" said Homer.
"Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the cat burglar?" Marge asked.
"And I still haven't got my saxophone back..." Lisa sighed depressed.
"Oh we're more than just that Marge, Our goals now include Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges... world domination." said Homer. Yes world domination!
"World domination?" Lisa asked incredulously.
"Cooooooooool!" said Oscar excited.
Hugo laughed maniacally.
"Oh, that might be a typo. (In his head) Mental note: The girl knows too much." said Homer going into an internal monologue.
Homer was on the news that evening.
"Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge... that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%... while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?" Kent asked.
"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that." said Homer.
"I see. What do you say to the accusation... that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?" asked Kent.
"Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes." said Homer.
"Hmm, touché." said Kent, a phone rings. "Well, it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show." Um okay... "Hello. You're on the air."
A silky but unnerving Male voice talks. "Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer, my arch nemesis." Coooooool!
Homer screamed. "Um... Y'ello." He said Y'ello to his arch nemesis...
"Uh...you do realize who this is." said the smooth silky voice.
"Uh... Marge?" Homer asked. How the hell would it be Marge?!
"No, Homer, I'm not your wife, although I do enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now. Listen." said Homer's mysterious arch nemesis who probably is also the burglar.
Pearls clatter.
"Why, you monster! And you have my daughter's saxophone too!" Homer growled down the phone.
"Yes, indeed I do, old boy. And I shan't return it until you meet me in person, alone under the palm tree that looks like a big letter T." said the arch nemesis.
"Uh huh." Homer made notes.
"And a small fee of fifty thousand dollars." said the Arch Nemesis.
The call went dead.
"Um... Interesting dialogue folks." said Kent.
And we end this act on a cliffhanger. Who is Homer's mysterious Arch nemesis!? My money is on either Robin Williams or Dean Webster Carlson...
Plot 3At home.
"An arch nemesis! Help me out here babe! I've never had an enemy!" said Homer. "I'm too well liked!"
"I don't like you..." Oscar seethed.
Marge sighed.
"And here I thought I was the only member of this family with an arch nemesis." said Bart.
"Sideshow Bob? Well he's locked up in jail right now." said Lisa.
"Yes. But I was talking about my other arch enemy. Dr Demento." said Bart.
In Dr Demento's radio shack.
"Every once in a great while, I can spot a talent that I know is the future of music." said Dr Demento putting a harsh, sinister tone upon the word music when he said it. "But first, we got to find you a stage name. Al Yankovich, it's long, it's hard to pronounce."
"How about, Weird Al Yankovich." said Weird Al.
"I love it!" said Dr Demento.
At the Simpsons Bart was frustrated by Oscar preferring cute clothes.
"Awwwwwww! That blue hoodie looks cute on Manta/Morty from Shaman King. I want one!"
Bart winced.
"It's probably your size too Oz. Because I am extremely short." said Manta/Morty.
"Yeah. Finally I have someone old enough that my Weird slime monster saga adventures and screwed up diaper crap isn't way over the mark and um possibly illegal..." said Oscar.
Manta winced.
Vigilante Homer and his Posse were planning an ambush with bait to catch the cat burglar. The bait was a rare jewel being showcased at a museum.
Elsewhere Oscar was trying on a baby blue hoodie, shorts and blue converses like Morty's.
"Definitely my style..." said Oscar grinning.
Morty from Shaman King whimpered as Oscar had tied him to the bed and Teddy, Oscar's Weird living teddy bear creature was sniffing his diaper with his big wet shiny black nose.
"Ah the nineties. When cartoons weren't CGI or lazily drawn and had slime monsters in them." said Oscar.
Speaking of which a cartoon slime monster oozed out from under Oscar's bed. When it took shape Manta still tied to the bed, screamed.
"That's not scary Manta, it's cartoony and funny..." said Oscar.
Then Dr Demento arrived. Because someone's arch enemy needs to be in this episode f they won't friggin reveal Homer's...
Dr Demento laughed hysterically in madness.
"Oh, crud! Oh, double crud! Oh, triple crud!" Oscar yelped.
"Oz stop summoning Cruds..." Bart sighed as there were three Crud clones from Winnie the Pooh.
...
Anyway, remember at the end of the last act when I was pondering who Homer's arch enemy was. Well they were probably that murderer at the run down house Young Marge and Young Homer looked at in Lisa's First Word.
In a dark abandoned factory as the Lavender Town theme but 800% slower plays for an eerie atmosphere.
"I'll be back..." said the killer lurking in the shadows.
"Arnold Schwarzenegger?" Oscar asked giving a baffled look.
No it's not Arnie...
Elsewhere Sarah gasped as she answered the door. The visitor was... Ralph's real father! From when Oscar undermined Marge and Homer's ban of Bart seeing the Itchy and Scratchy movie and took him to see it anyway.
"That was early season weirdness... It's been established that Chief Wiggum is Ralph's father..." said Bart.
"Think of the drama though! Soap opera drama!" Oscar yelled.
"No Oz..." Bart groaned.
At the Simpsons Hugo was out. He was still angry over his fish heads bucket being stolen. Homer had to find something else to serve his fish heads in.
Homer screamed because of Hugo being out.
"Haaaaaaaauuuuuwww! Hugey!" Oscar squealed a guttural noise while hugging Hugo.
Homer grunted frustrated. "Oz no not yet!"
"Awwwwww!" Marge liked that Oscar was being sweet and kind by um hugging Hugo.
Upstairs Bart was lamenting a grease spot where his stamp collection book was. He sighed and put on his nerd glasses from The Last Temptation of Homer.
"Ha!" Lisa laughed at him.
Elsewhere the cat burglar was still stealing things.
"My stethoscope!" Dr Hibbert cried.
Pip annoyed Oscar with his exaggerated British accent.
"That's right, luv. Fer cent'ries-" Pip was talking to a girl.
"Enough! We Brits do not all talk like that!" Oscar yelled.
Homer's mysterious archenemy called again. "Homer my old bean. I shall strike again. By stealing the Springfield's beloved zirconium jewel."
Homer gasped.
The vigilantes guarded the museum.
Homer and Skinner spoke while on duty.
"Any sign of the burglar yet?" Skinner asked.
"He'll show." Homer asked determined.
"How's that?" Skinner asked.
"It's his job. He's a burglar." said Homer.
The Dragnet theme plays! Hehehe!
Dun! Duh dun! Duh dun dun duuuuuun!
"Duh! Duh dun! Duh dun dun duuuu-Oof!" Oscar sang the Dragnet theme but Bart punched him in the gut.