Who would've thought I would be updating so soon. I know shocking. Let's just say I was listening to 'My Little Love' by Adele and all the feels came through. Hasn't been edited but this chapter is finish.

Be safe and be kind.

Until next time,

Muse xoxo

Previously

X

Cradled in her mom's bosom, Hope opens her eyes to finally look at the only person she knows and loves.

Kissing the crown of her daughter's head, Olivia smiles proudly.

It's amazing. The sensation and wave of emotions flowing through her are abundant, but resolute in meaning. They all start with Hope.

Her dissatisfaction and discontent with the nature of her relationship with Fitz, splendidly dissipate into nothingness.

His importance is now insignificant. The overwhelming consumption that plagued her all those years, is gone.

Fitz is now eradicated.

Holding Hope's entire hand on her finger, "It's just you and me now, Hope."

X

Motherhood is not what she anticipated.

It is not even close to what she envisioned for her new life with Hope. Childbirth was an emotional and physical gauntlet, her and Hope connected by their shared pain.

But now.

It is different. Strained

Hope has bonded and connected with everyone except the person who brought her into this world. While everyone caters to Hope. Olivia finds herself alone in her room 'healing' as she often says. They've all tried bringing her and Hope together. Forcing Olivia to help change and feed her. But somehow the spinner always manages to spin away with some excuse or reason.

Rightfully so. As Hope refuses to latch on. She's

been to lactation classes, and Alice even brought a professional to assist but nothing has worked.

And for that, Olivia is grateful.

She's not going to force her daughter to like her, when she clearly doesn't like herself. Olivia does pump, and her family takes on the role of feeding Hope. When she stops to think about it, her friends has taken on every role for Hope.

They wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, to change her, to love her. While Olivia sulks in bed.

Perhaps she is dealing with Post partum depression. She's not entirely sure, but her friends tend to believe she is dealing with depression. They've urged her to get back into counseling, but Olivia will manage to spin the narrative towards something else, often excusing her unwillingness due to recent childbirth. They can see through her, but they decide not to push the issue.

She hears them all laughing and dancing with Hope. It's hard not to hear them, her room isn't far from the living room.

But at least Hope is happy.

Alice rushes through the room without knocking.

"You can knock."

"Oh, shut up. My goodness "Olivia" you are so mean."

Olivia pulls the covers over her head "this is the real me."

"Bullshit!" Alice yells, pulling the cover back to look at Olivia.

"Stop it, Al!" Olivia yells, pulling the covers back.

"You stop it!" Alice screams back "when's the last time you showered? You stink."

"Fuck you!" Olivia huffs angry, appalled by her friend lamenting about her hygiene when she is obviously going through issues.

"If this is Olivia, then I don't want to know her. I don't like her."

Turning around to face Alice, her big doe eyes are glassy and puffy "well too damn bad! This is me! This is the person you wanted to know so bad!"

"I know you."

Olivia shakes her head "you don't know me. None of you, know me." She's condescending, arrogant.

"Well thank goodness for small miracles." Alice quips back in defiance.

"Leave me alone Alice." Olivia turns around to face the window. This conversation was hitting a boiling point and she doesn't want to lose control.

"I have! Correction, 'WE' all have left you alone! But it's about time you wake the fuck up!"

"I am angry, Alice!" Olivia turns back around yelling with equal anger as tears boil to the surface of her eyelids.

"You have a right to be angry." Alice tone changes, softer. "But this can't go on."

"I don't have the energy, Alice." Olivia smiles sadly "I'm tired. Don't you see? I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of being someone I clearly can't be!"

Alice pulls back, this conversation wasn't going anywhere. And Olivia is too stubborn to see.

"Okay, sweetie...we'll let you rest." She kisses Olivia's forehead before closing the door.

She's stayed away from everyone, and everyone stayed away from her.

It's for the best.

Hope doesn't need to be around her. Not like this. Not ever. It was stupid of her to think she could be a mom. That she could handle this.

It was all a lie.

And she is the biggest liar.

She listens to her daughter cry, her breast lactating at the sound. But it soon stops, and she drifts back to sleep.

Never did she think he would leave her. That he would abandon her at this magnitude, that he would ignore his daughter.

Fitz never called her back.

The shun even shocked Olivia. Because despite their differences and obstacles; what they shared was real. Or at least she assumed it was.

For her it was real.

Olivia abandoned every belief and value for him. Her morals. Her integrity, her entire system was overridden by him. To be with him, and he didn't see what she sacrificed.

What she continues to sacrifice for him.

And he doesn't call. He can move on with his life, but she has to be constantly reminded of her failures. And one thing she always hates is being a failure.

/

There's a knock on her door.

Ryan, Alice and Shane are inside her room. With Shane holding Hope in her arms.

"Hey, Olivia... we just wanted to let you know we are going home."

Like a cold glass of water poured on her, she sits erect. Her heart beating out of her chest.

"What? Why?"

"We are tired, and we have to get back to work." Alice answers

"Ryan?" Olivia looks at him, praying that he doesn't leave her.

"I have to go back to work sweetie."

"You promised me!" Olivia shouts

"I will keep my promise." Ryan moves closer to Olivia, but she recoils. "But I have a job and people that need me."

Olivia ignores Ryan, not satisfied with his answer "Shane?"

Shane's green eye drop "Liv, you need to bond with Hope."

"I will."

"No. You won't." Alice answers "you won't bond with her, if we are here taking care of her."

"It's about Hope." She yells incredulously "what about me! I need help." Olivia pleads.

"We have helped you, but we are a hindrance."

"No, you are my family. I need my family!"

"And your daughter needs you!" Alice yells back "Not Ryan, Not Shane, and not me. She needs her mother!"

On cue.

Hope begins to cry.

"I'm not her mother!" Olivia shouts back "I can't be her mother!"

"Too bad." Alice answers, taking Hope from Shane and trying to give her to Olivia who refuses to pick her up.

"Take your daughter."

"No." Olivia snaps back with venom

"Take her!"

"You take her! She loves you all anyways!"

Alice shakes her head. Kissing Hope on her cheek, she places her in the bed next to Olivia.

"We'll check on you."

"Don't come back!" Olivia screams with anger as tears fall down her face "I need you and you are leaving me."

"Please don't hate us." Ryan answers "we love you, but this is for you."

"Get out!" Olivia yells.

/

The house is unbearably loud. But, Olivia is unsure who's louder; her or Hope.

Hope kicks and wails with anger. Her face turning redder than the sun.

"Stop crying Hope!" Olivia wipes her tears. But Hope doesn't listen to her. No one listens to her.

That's the problem. Nobody listens to her.

She can't take it. With Hope secure on the bed, she walks to the living room. Falling on the floor with exhaustion and grief.

Hope hasn't stopped crying, and neither has she.

They left her. They actually left her. They promised to be there and now at her lowest they've jumped just like everyone else.

That's the thing, everyone leaves. Despite their promises, and pledges. Eventually everyone leaves.

And where does that leave her?

Desolate.

Alone.

Then there is Hope, crying. Reminding her of her failures as a human. As a mother.

She hasn't held her ten day old daughter.

Not once.

Never bathed her. Never kissed her.

What kind of a monster is she?

She can't answer that. She's not a mother. Not even remotely.

/

Eventually Hope cries herself to sleep.

And for that Olivia is thankful for small miracles.

She watches her sleep. How her little chest rises and falls. How she whimpers in her sleep.

She's having a nightmare.

Olivia has those too.

When she was kidnapped. Or when she was stuck in a room with a bomber who was trying to find her son. How she had been threatened by Ambassadors and world leaders. The paparazzi staked at her apartment. The crude misogynic and racist comments spewed on the internet about her.

Olivia has her nightmares too.

She lives with them every day and every night.

/

Two hours later, Hope is screaming again.

'She's hungry.' She thinks

Taking a chance, she pulls out her engorged breast leaking with milk and places it to Hope's lips. But she still just screams and yells.

"Take it!" Olivia yells "I'm trying to feed you Hope!" Olivia pleads

But she spits it out.

Hope can match her anger. With equal venom and disdain. She's not happy, she wants blood, and she wants Olivia to feel her pain and suffering. And boy does Olivia feel it.

Olivia tries again, but still Hope protest.

This time, for the first time.

She cries.

Her little tears falling down her red face.

"I'm sorry" Olivia sobs but Hope still won't accept her apology.

"Fuck it!" Olivia shouts back, placing Hope gently back on the bed. She goes to retrieve her breast pump and begins pumping.

With enough milk in her bottle, she tries to feed Hope but still she repudiates.

"What do you want!" Olivia cries too this time "I don't know what you want! What do you want from me!" Olivia pleads desperate to help Hope

"Please eat!" Olvia begs "Please!" She repeats it again and again.

She turns her boppy pillow another way, but it's not effective. Then another way. But Hope continues to cry, and all Olivia can do is sit and watch.

"I'm trying Hope!" Olivia talks to her "I'm trying! And you don't see it! You won't take anything from me. You hate me. And guess what ...I hate me too. And want you to know who I hate? Your father. I hate that you look like him. I hate your father because he gave you too me" Olivia argues with her infant daughter, somehow feeling better expressing her own displeasure.

For the first time since she gave birth, she picks Hope up. Cradling her to her chest. She bounces her in the bed, as she pats her back.

The physical contact. Sparks something intrinsic in Olivia. Motherly almost.

"I need you to teach me." Olivia request, begging actually "teach me how to be a mother" God has she missed Hope. Her face , the way she fits in her arms.

"I'm Sorry, Hope." she apologizes "I'm sorry." It seems that is all Olivia can do is apologize. She's apologized more in these long days than she has in her entire life.

And she's sincere.

She is sorry for what she has done to Hope. How she is already screwing her daughter the same way her parents ruined her .

Her selfishness. Her resentment. It's not fair to Hope. She didn't ask for this life, she's being dealt a horrible deck of cards. But she's trying to the adjust and overcome.

So why can't she?

With the repetitive patting and rocking. Hope passes gas.

And soon she stops crying.

She's done it.

Pulling back, she looks at her daughter. And actually, look at her. Her dark grey eyes staring into her soul. As though she can see her.

There she is.

"Your perfect." Olivia whispers in awe. She's looked at Hope before, briefly but only when she was asleep. She couldn't really bear to look at her awake.

It's not fair.

She went through hell to bring her into this world, but she looks like Fitz.

The constant reminder of her failures, and her hatred towards him.

She does.

She hates him. For how he made her feel her. For giving her the freedom to love. For filling her mind and dreams with hope.

And now look at her.

Look at them.

/

Changed and fed, her and Hope lay in bed and watch tv.

She's tired.

Her friends have called her several times. But she refuses to answer their phone call. For prideful reasons.

She's not perfect. Nor does she pretend to be.

Hope sleeps in her bassinet and Olivia stays awake, vigilant. Waiting for her daughter to wake up and begin howling. But sleep does soon catch up with her and Olivia closes her eye.

Like clock work, Hope begins to cry. Olivia slept for what felt like a minute. She yawns and moves to pick Hope up.

"What do you want?" placing her on her chest she begins rocking her. But Hope doesn't want that. And Olivia can only feel dejected once again.

"Hope. I'm tired." Olivia begs having done this all night.

It is four o'clock in the morning and Olivia has slept maybe two hours.

"Okay." Olivia gives up, deciding to change Hope.

But it's messy.

And a lot.

Changing a golden poop, she's surprised by the color and consistency. How it's sticky. The lack of smell. Despite cleaning Hope, more crap seems to come or is hidden in her folds.

"I can do this." Olivia whispers to herself. Positive reinforcement is what her psychiatrist always reminds her to say.

"I can do this." lifting Hope's legs up. Hope passes gas and with it another large bowel movement that scares both of them.

"Damn it!" Olivia bites her lip to stop from crying. But with Hope yelling in her ear. And shit on her and the bed. She's lost.

"I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!" Oliva says again and again. "Hope, I need you to stop crying for one fucking second!" Olivia screams, only making Hope louder.

She shakes her head, her lip quivering as she tries to figure out what to do first. Wash her comforter? Give Hope a bath? Or just clean her with wipes.

The cold wipes cause Hope to scream louder then before.

"I'm sorry." Olivia apologizes "Hope, you won't even give me a chance! You think I want this! I didn't want you! He did!"

If someone could see her yell and argue with her infant daughter, she would be reported to child protective services. And righfully so. This isn't normal. But, it does feel good. To express herself, her displeasure for once.

The more she wipes, the more the shit spreads.

"Fine." She gives up. Grabbing Hope she walks into the bathroom with her.

They are both covered in poop, and she doesn't have the energy to bath herself separately.

She turns the shower on the perfect temperature for Hope.

Both naked and warm inside their small cocoon. Hope's crying settles a little but she still cries and objects.

"Hope, let me wash you." Olivia request as she dangles Hopes in the water, watching the poop fall on the shower floor. But the sensation scares her.

"Fuck." she wipes her tears "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do anything right." Taking a leap of faith, she resumes washing her daughter despite her protest "I know you are angry Hope. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for abandoning you."

Olivia pulls Hope back from the water so she can see her. And feel her sincerity.

" Hope, you are all I have. And I am all you have. And I want you! Okay! I love you! I love you so much Hope, you scare me! I want you. I've always wanted you." She confesses looking at her daughter, she sees her pain, her anger. She must feel her energy, her heart breaking repeatedly every time she rejects her.

"I'm sorry for making you sad. I'm sorry for what I've done to hurt. I won't do it again. I will be everything you need me to be. I will be the mommy you deserve." She sniffles back the tears "I wanted you to have everything I didn't have. And with that I have fucked everything up. But I'm here. And I won't leave you again. I promise." She kisses Hope all over her body, cradling her child in her arms.

"This is my fault. You are scared and lost, and the one person who you know left … i'm sorry for being selfish. I'm over here bitching about everyone leaving me, but I left the one person who needs me. This my fault completely."

She places Hope in her chest. Rubbing her back up and down "you are only one who saved me. If it wasn't for you, I would still be trapped there. But you gave me the choice to be free. I am. Now, I have to ensure I give you a life filled with happiness."

Hope stops crying at the physical contact, and the beautiful words coming out of her mothers mouth, as though she can understand her

"I have much to learn, and you have plenty to teach." She plays with Hope's tiny hand. " go easy on me. Mommy is new to all of this but in time, I'll get the hang of it." Olivia chuckles

Kissing Hope's cheek and fingers "it's just you and me, now. As long as we are together, I'm happy" Olivia whispers.

God she's missed her.

How can she miss someone she's never had?

But she misses her. Everything about her. Her scent, her cry, her touch. She's missed her baby.

Sitting on the bench in her shower. They are safe and warm. They sit there forever. And she'll sit there for as long as it takes for Hope to be okay.

Hope begins to squirm and the more Olivia tries to correct her, the faster she moves until she's finds Olivia's breast and her nipple.

With ease, she latches on.

Olivia hisses at, the initial shock. But she welcomes it. She welcomes her daughter.

They stare at each other, with equal understanding and acceptance.

For the first time since she gave birth, Olivia cries happy tears.

"We're going to be okay." Olivia promises.