Part One: Millie Finds Her Way
Blitzo shoved open the door to the I.M.P. office, a grumpy look on his face. His face was muddy and his clothes were dirty and torn, with lavender-colored leaves from bushes. Moxxie and Millie had been talking to a client at their desk when all three froze to stare at Blitzo.
"Sir, what happened to you?" Millie wondered out loud.
Blitzo slouched past the Hel-9000 fax machine printer and past the picture with a stick figure Blitzo with a gun and a pink pony.
Moxxie stood up. "Sir! There's a client here who wants to…"
Blitzo ignored him and stomped straight into his office, slamming the door.
Millie chuckled nervously, turning to the visitor. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"
Their client was a tall aquatic sinner demon with a torn short white shirt and a green piece of a yin-yang symbol as a necklace. He had gray skin, finned fingers, and dark-teal long hair that looked like seaweed. He had dark long pants, dark shoes and his chest glowed teal blue and watery. One of his eyes glowed neon green, his teeth sharp. Formerly on Earth, he had been a regular man with white skin and long dark hair.
"Well, it's just that I'm sure one of the other camp counselors killed me. I'm just not sure which one," he said with a shrug, hands out.
"How could you not know?" Moxxie asked, raising an eyebrow.
The aquatic demon continued. "I was out on the lake when my boat started to sink. Someone had drilled holes in it. The counselors are the only ones with keys to the boathouse, and they're the only ones who knew I couldn't swim. It had to be them."
"Hmm, we don't typically do investigations," said Moxxie, "I'll have to check with the boss."
Moxxie opened Blitzo's door. "Uh, pardon moi, sir."
Blitzo glared at Moxxie as he flipped through address files on a rotary.
"Not now, Mox."
"Sir, there's client that needs us to investigate his death and we don't usually…"
"No tiiime," Blitzo replied.
Moxxie rubbed his neck. "But sir, we really need the cashflow, and I was thinking maybe…"
"What part of 'NO. FUCKING. TIIIIIME.' do you not understand?!" Blitzo yelled, facing Moxxie. "Just handle it yourself."
"You want me to lead? On a hit?"
Blitzo seethed and slammed his hands on the desk. "I swear on all that is evil, Mox, if you aren't out of my office in negative three seconds…"
"Yooou GOT IT, SIR!"
Moxxie slammed the door and then turned back around to Millie and the client.
"We'll take the case!" he beamed. "And I'll be handling this investigation personally!" He jabbed a thumb to himself.
"Honey, are you sure? What about Blitz?" asked Millie, gesturing to the door.
"Honey, honey, please. Blitz put me in charge this time."
"He did?!"
Moxxie narrowed his eyes and Millie quickly added, "Oh! I mean, he…HE DID!"
"Right!" said Moxxie to the client. "And this is going to be the cleanest, most well-prepped, most surgical hit we've ever had! Don't worry, sir! We'll find your killer and give him what's coming to him. And/or her…or they."
Moxxie and Millie later stood by a police investigation whiteboard where Moxxie had posted up pictures of fliers, boat outlines, and strings leading to different pictures around the white board and the walls. Moxxie peered closely at his work while holding an I.M.P. file folder. One flier had a picture of a magnifying glass and black footprints.
"Mox…" Millie began. "Are you sure this isn't a little…much?"
"It's my first lead, Mils, it has to be…perfect." Moxxie said "perfect" in an accent. "Now in front of you, you'll find a comprehensive guide to your cover persona. Memorize it, we've got a lot of work to do."
They used the grimoire to make a portal to enter Earth.
0 0 0
Near a cabin in the woods, several kids were running around, laughing as they squirted each other with water guns. A fat boy walked holding a bag and wore the camp t-shirt with a "C" in a green triangle as the logo. Three preteen girls were sitting at a wooden picnic table. A camp counselor lady with brown hair stood wearing green shorts and a shirt with a whistle around her neck. On a wooden sign with wooden mountains on the top was "CAMP IVANNAKUMMORE."
Millie and Moxxie stood off to the side with their human disguises. Moxxie wore a short dark blue tube top, torn pink pants, a heart collar, and magenta high boots. He had fake eyelashes and a wig of white ponytails covering his horns. Millie wore shoes, dark gray pants, fingerless gloves, a black shirt with a yellow lightning bolt and a circle on it, plus a wig of long dark hair and a yellow beanie hat.
"Okay, Millie, one last time for safety," Moxxie said. He straightened up and pulled back his top, his claws covered by fake pink nails.
Moxxie spoke in a girly teenage voice, "I'm Moxxine, the hottest, most popular girl at my school, and you are?" He examined his nails.
Millie spoke in a low voice. "Your boyfriend Millerd, I like sports and fucking bitches!" Millie made thrusting movements.
"Hmm, you know these kids are a bit younger than I was expecting. Maybe lose that last part," Moxxie mentioned.
"Check!" Millie said in her boyish voice.
"Alright, I think we're ready," said Moxxie.
"Hey, Mox!" Millie spoke, pointing ahead. "Check out that shady looking fella over there."
Moxxie and Millie spied a blonde man with glasses glancing around by the log cabins. He side-walked near the bushes.
"I think that's our guy."
"Ahem, Millie," said Moxxie in a girlish voice, "I hardly think pointing out the first guy you see is the proper way to conduct an…"
Millie peered through her binoculars. "No that's definitely him. That bag's full of money and drugs and what looks like a drill one would use to poke holes in a boat."
Sure enough, the man scooped up the fallen money and needles and hurried off, a drill in his hand.
"But-but that's all circumstantial at best! We need to methodically eliminate all suspects until we can be sure…"
"Now he's looking around and heading into that locked boathouse we heard about!" Millie declared.
The man headed inside, peering around to make sure no one was there. Next to him were missing posters of the drowned counselor. "Missing: last seen next to the lake. If you have information please call (xxx) xxx-xxxx." Another set of red eyes in the cabin glared outside.
"That would be the perfect place to…"
She glanced at Mox before sighing. "Fine, Mox, we'll do it your way."
Moxxie grinned. "With my sleuthing skills and your killer eye, we should have this wrapped up in no time. Now we just have to find the kids with the most influence."
Moxxie spotted the three teen girls sitting at the picnic table.
"Oh, target acquired," he said in a girly voice. He headed off.
The girl with long orange hair began, "So he snorted a whole line of ground up mints, and tried to convince us he was high. Can you even believe him?"
The girls laughed and Moxxie walked toward them.
"Ground up mints, you say? Derek must be a riot."
"Who the fuck are you?" asked the leader girl.
"I'm Moxxine, the prettiest girl at my school. A more mature preteen who likes boys, hot cars, fancy jewelry…"
Another girl scoffed, "You call yourself the prettiest when you probably spent three years in a tanning bed."
"It's uh, natural?" Moxxie added.
"Yeah, you wish," said the orange-haired girl. "That botch job looks like it cost five bucks in an alley behind Walmart."
The other girls snickered.
"Have you seen anyone doing drugs around here?" Moxxie asked.
"Other than you maybe? I don't think so," said another girl.
"Get lost you fucking freak!" they all said, pointing off to the left. Moxxie slouched off.
Meanwhile, a volleyball rolled and stopped in front of Millie.
"Hey!" waved a blonde girl to Millie at a volleyball court near the lake.
Millie smiled and decided to play along. She carried the volleyball in her hands and headed down to the campers.
The girls at the picnic table watched as Millie passed the ball to her teammate, a dark-skinned boy.
"Oh my god! Who is that?!"
"Look how beautifully tan he is!" said the leader. The dark-skinned girl blew bubblegum and stood up to get a closer look.
"What?!" Moxxie called in disbelief.
The boy bounced the ball in the air.
"I got it!" called Millie in her boyish voice. She leaped into the air and spiked the ball over the net…
…hitting a blonde boy in the face and sending him crashing to the ground. Everyone gasped as the boy lay in a crumpled Yamcha-like pose in a cracked crater. The coach jumped from his stand and held the wounded boy in his arms.
"That was..." he began…
"…the best spike I've ever seen!" Tears were in his eyes.
The kids cheered and lifted Millie into the air.
"Please, I need medical attention…" the boy began.
"First Aid is for WINNERS!" the coach mocked.
All the girls admired Millie.
"Oh my god, he is so fucking HOT!" sighed the red-haired leader girl.
"Oh! Ya know he's my boyfriend…" Moxxie began.
"FUCK OFF, TROLL!" another girl barked before the girls walked off.
Later, Millie happily leaped from a cliff and jumped from side to side onto wooden boards. She leaped onto a wooden high bar- twirled at rapid speed and shot into the air…
And in a fiery comet, smashed the blonde boy into the ground. Everyone cheered louder.
"Mox! Did you see? I broke the record on the course!"
"Mhmm. I saw." Moxxie smiled forcefully.
"Can you believe this? Everyone LOVES me, they're cheering, they even posted videos of me online! Look!"
Heart emojis popped up on her phone after the replay of Millie smashing the kid into the ground. Millie's phone was red with flame designs on it.
A Millie icon appeared over the bold white lyrics as Millie sang karaoke style, amazed and also unsure of all the rockstar fame she was getting.
"EVERY DAY!
AS I WALK AROUND CAMP
ALL OF THESE GIRLS
FOLLOW ME AROUND
I DON'T KNOW WHY?
OR WHAT COULD IT BE?"
Millie smiled as she got into a group photo. The campers held out their phones for selfies around her. Millie danced with a girl with red hair.
A blonde girl came up close to Millie, wearing a cap with her face on it, a shirt with her face on it and a "MIL #1" orange cardboard glove showing a pointed finger on a hand.
"HEY MILLERD!
HAH!
WILL YOU TAKE A SELFIE WITH ME?!"
Her eyes bulged and her mouth foamed.
The crowd followed Millie and held up a banner that read "Millerd!" on it as they strolled by the cabins. One blonde boy replaced the American flag with a white flag with Millie's disguised face on it. Millie posed on a picnic table.
"AH-WA-OH!
I'M A REGULAR JOE
AH-WA-OH!
I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW
AH-WA-OH!
I'M SIMPLE AND PLAIN…
WHY DO ALL THESE GIRLS
KEEP SCREAMING MY NAME?"
"MILLERD!"
Millie paddled a canoe and two girls stared admiringly at her. (Moxxie's canoe tipped over and sunk).
"MILLERD?!"
"AH! MILLERD, I LOVE YOU!"
Millie led a hike and stood on a log, pointing forward. (Moxxie fell into a pit.)
Millie happily sat with two girls by a campfire. (Moxxie's s'more stick caught on fire and he frantically smashed it around on the ground.)
Millie smiled as she wore gold sunglasses, a white Greek-style outfit and a golden laurel on her head. She relaxed on a lounge chair as girls fanned her with leaves. One fed her purple grapes.
"I'M SO ORDINARY
JUST A COMMON DUDE
BUT THEY'RE ALL UP IN MY DMS
THEY KEEP SENDING ME NUDES?!"
Even the blonde naked man in the picture stretched out to kiss her, much to her disgust.
"I'M NOTHING SPECIAL
I'LL TELL YOU IT'S TRUE"
The comments appeared in the eight million + viewer video of Millie being awarded seven gold star medals, a trophy, and a Grammy award.
"I LOVE YOU MILLERD! 3"
"I'M NOT OKAY!"
(Flame emojis)
"OMG DESERVED"
"millerd is the best uwu"
"CLICK HERE FOR PRIZE "
"I LOVE YOU"
"HE ATE!"
"Sub 2 my channel"
"Hermoso" (heart emoji)
"LOOK AT HIM"
"ILY MILLERD"
"he's so hottt"
"I love him, I LOVE HIM"
"MILLERD: Sub 2 me pls"
"SLAY KING" (crown emoji)
The blonde super fan girl leaned over and yelled,
"BUT MILLERD, OVER HERE! I BAKED A CAKE FOR YOU!" She held a brown, orange, and white cake with a figure of Millie in her guy disguise on top.
Later as the sun set, an airplane flew overhead with a flag of Millie's face on it. Her face was also on several blimps in the sky. With a microphone, Millie sang on stage under a large "MILLERD!" banner and more campers took selfies and videos on their phones.
"AH-WA-OH!
I'M A REGULAR JOE!
AH-WA-OH!
I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW!
I'M SO SIMPLE AND PLAIN
I WISH ALL THESE GIRLS…
WOULD STOP SCREAMING MY NAME!"
"OH MILLERD! LOVE YOU, MILLERD!" called the blonde fan girl.
Millie stood proudly on stage, glad to feel appreciated after feeling in competition with her brothers and sister.
0 0 0
TUESDAY: Moxxie climbed to the top of a pine tree, looking for the drug counselor through binoculars. He got hit with a volleyball and fell down from a tree.
WEDNESDAY: Millie led a team of campers canoeing across the lake. Moxxie searched for the suspect, wearing a mask and snorkel. Unfortunately, he got thrashed around by a shark similar to the one from the Harvest Moon Festival.
THURSDAY: Millie successfully shot her arrow through a red apple on a boy's head as the sky turned a beautiful pink and purple. Moxxie peered through binoculars in a bush, dodging the arrow…but soon screamed as he was being attacked by a black angry bear.
FRIDAY: Posters were passed around, reading, "MILLERD: CAMP IVANNAKUMMORE, July 17th at 7PM." The coach/lifeguard handed Millie the poster and he winked at her with a finger snap gesture. Millie beamed in excitement.
0 0 0
"OHH MOXXIE! THAT WAS SO FUN! No wonder you sing all the time!"
Millie twirled and laughed as she held a golden bouquet of white daisies in her hands.
"Not exactly a low profile…" Moxxie leaned against a cabin wall, eyes downcast.
"I know…but it's kinda nice having people cheer for me for once, ya know? Instead of…"
She dramatically ripped the bouquet and opened her jaws, "…screaming in PAIN and HORROR!"
"Don't forget what we're here to do, Millie," Moxxie reminded her, clapping a fist against his other hand.
"I haven't. I'm just waitin' until you're ready. Have you been able to eliminate any suspects?"
"No."
Millie held up two worn daggers. "If you want, we can off the guy right now! I think he's alone in the cabin…"
She wandered forward.
"No!" Moxxie pulled her back. "I have to do this right."
Moxxie swore under his breath as "BITCH" was spray-painted in black on his tent nearby.
0 0 0
Later that night by the campfire, Millie did an epic banjo solo. She leaped over the fire and posed on her knees as everyone cheered.
(EPIC BANJO SOLO)
(MILLERD IS REAL COOL)
(WOW, YOU GONNA CRY, MOXXINE? CRINGE.) (NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, MOXXINE)
Moxxie raced off and cried in an outhouse. Millie walked in the dark to the outhouse. Moxxie pulled out stickers and thorns in his pants.
"Moxxie? You okay?"
"GO AWAY!" Moxxie sobbed.
"Moxxie, what's going on?"
"I've been having the worst luck imaginable! First, I try to eliminate any suspects and make it a perfect methodical mission. But everything is going wrong. I can't find the guy! And all the girls hate me…and they all love you!"
"What's wrong with that?"
Moxxie cried.
"Hey, you're the best assassin/musician/preteen girl I know," Millie encouraged.
"And investigator?"
"And investigator."
Millie reached through the crescent moon window and touched Moxxie's nails. "I know it's been tough. Just keep playing to your strengths."
"Okay," said Moxxie. "Thank you." Moxxie came out of the outhouse, facing Millie. Millie smiled.
"I have good news! Look Mox!" She held the poster in her hands, showing it to him. "They want me to perform on stage tomorrow tonight for the local news! These videos have made me some kind of human celebrity!" A pink bird flew happily around Millie's head. Millie then gasped as several red-eyed crows attacked Moxxie around his head. He swatted the cawing birds away until they flew off.
Moxxie's anger and frustration finally bubbled to the surface. "I've heard enough from you! And I've had enough of this place! Most of all, the attention you're getting all the time is annoying!"
"Mox, what are you talking about? There's no reason to be jealous of me!"
"Well, I am, alright?!" Moxxie sobbed again. "Being the son of a mob boss, you get used to the attention. And instead of focusing on the mission, you get distracted by swooning fangirls and dance for views!"
"What?! I only let the mission go this long, so I could do it YOUR WAY!" Millie retorted. "We could've completed this mission faster if you had just listened to me and let me finish off the guy in the beginning!"
"It was my first lead mission! I wanted it to be perfect!" Moxxie spat back.
Millie stomped toward him. "Well don't blame me for it! It doesn't matter how many views I get. What matters is how I feel about myself!"
She wiped tears from her eyes. "And for once, I feel like I'm…I'm important! Like I'm someone to be proud of! Not just some country girl blending in with her siblings."
She stomped forward. "And I had hoped that my husband would support me better HALF as much as I've supported HIM this week! I'm not just your momma, you know!"
"Millie…I didn't mean…"
"SAVE IT, MOX! Finish the job, go home if you want, I'm having my moment to shine, with or without you!"
Millie raced off in the dark, the Millerd flier floating to the ground.
"Oh crumbs…"
0 0 0
Later that night, the same night Blitzo entered the human world…
Millie peered through the red curtains at the crowd cheering for her.
"You ready to go on, champ?" asked the coach/lifeguard, holding a clipboard and holding out his pen.
"I guess…"
"Great, now get out there and put Camp IVANNAKUMMORE on the MAP!"
He lowered his sunglasses over his eyes and posed. More campers and kids cheered, wearing merchandise shirts and hats. The blonde super fan girl held a sign that read "MARRY ME, MILLERD!"
Millie took a breath and stepped onto the stage. More fans cheered, two of them were crying and hugging each other, waving a Millerd flag. A cameraman stood near the top off to the side. Millie flinched as a spotlight shone on her.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!" called a girlish voice. Moxxie rose up onto the stage from the floor and held a microphone. "ARE YOU READY FOR A SHOOOOOW?!"
The crowed booed and an African American girl yelled, "GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!" Another girl flipped him the bird on both hands. Another yelled, "KILL YOURSELF, NERD!"
Moxxie continued. "I am very proud to introduce to you…someone with abilities never before seen on this Earth…"
Millie held her hands to her heart, smiling at Moxxie.
"Someone with the raw athletic skill of an Olympian…" Moxxie looked at her and smiled. "The voice of an angel…the acrobatic techniques of an indentured twelve-year old Russian ballerina…"
Millie waved her hands, saying "enough!"
"And a body that JUST. DOESN'T. QUIT."
A few boys looked at each other, confused and disgusted at Moxxie's butt.
Moxxie turned around and cleared his throat nervously. "The best and most supportive person I've ever known, and the love of my life. My wife…uhhhh boyfriend….Millerd!"
Millie sighed in relief as Moxxie headed her the microphone.
"Thank you," said Millie.
"Knock'em dead, baby," Moxxie grinned.
"Speaking of…" Millie added, as she spotted two figures heading toward a cabin with a bag.
"You sure?" Moxxie asked.
"Go get'em baby," Millie smiled. They touched their heads and nuzzled.
Moxxie smiled as he pushed his way through the crowd, who glared at him. Millie did a Squidward/sexy look with her face and the crowd exploded with cheers. The show began.
Millie juggled four axes in her hands, much to the crowd's amusement. She threw an ax into a target. Another ax hit a tree, which sent a beehive falling…
…into the blonde boy in the ground, who screamed in futility.
Millie then sat on a stool, holding a red triangular electric guitar in her hands. She began her song and stood up in a pose. She did a "rocker" hand signal as columns of sparks blasted upwards from the front of the stage.
Millie began her 80's style rock anthem.
"OOOOH YOU'VE GOT THE POWER!
WAOOOOH!
OOOO! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER!"
Millie played a set of red drums, then yelled "YEAH!" as she strummed her guitar.
"A TALE AS OLD AS ROCK AND ROLL
WHEN YOU WIN, YOU'RE THE BEST
YOU WORK UNTIL YOU REACH THE GOAL FROM WITHIN
THAT'S THE TEST! WOAH! WOAH!
YOU FIGHT UNTIL YOU REACH THE TOP
TO RUB IT IN THEIR FACE! WOAH! WOAH!
YOU LOVE SO HARD, YOUR FLESH EXPLODES!
AND YOU WIN THE FUCKIN' RAAAAAACE!"
She slammed the guitar down on the stage as white fireworks boomed.
She then spun black nun chucks in her hands.
"OOOOO! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER!"
Millie did a fighting pose as an explosion boomed behind her. A girl screamed as her hair caught on fire as the crowd did rocker signs and cheered.
"OOOOO! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER! WOOOAH!
"A HEAT SO HOT IT BURNS YOUR HOLE LIKE A FIRE WHEN YOU PEE!"
Millie breathed fire to light a torch and held a sword in her other hand. She swallowed the sword and it went down her throat point-first. She dropped her torch and dive-bombed into the crowd of kids. They all held her in the air as she strummed her guitar again.
"THE INNER FLAME INSIDE YOUR SOUL MAKES YOU CRY…VICTORY!
YOU FLEX YOUR CHEEKS UNTIL IT HURTS
YOU BUST OUT OF YOUR JEANS! WOAH! WOAH!
YOU BLOW YOUR LOAD ON ALL YOUR FOES!
AND DROWN OUT ALL THEIR SCREAMS!"
Millie jumped back on stage.
"OOOOH! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER!" Two streams of fire shot off to the left of Millie as she played. "WOAH!"
The coach smiled with his arms folded…until he got incinerated by the flames.
"OOOOH! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER! WOAH!"
More fireworks shot into the air and a red and yellow rocket flew off into the distance.
Millie smiled and posed on the stage, arms outstretched as the audience applauded. She bowed, before she saw Moxxie walk up to the stage, blood staining his wig. She walked over to him.
"Looks like you did it," she said, referring to the death of the drug counselor killer.
"No…you did it," Moxxie added, lifting her hands into his.
"I'm so proud of you, Millie," Moxxie smiled. He looked to the side. "And I'm sorry I let you down."
Millie picked him up in a hug and twirled him around. "Just don't do it again, dummy!"
They kissed hard on stage until someone shouted, "Get a fucking room, high school sweethearts!"
Moxxie and Millie laughed and raced off into the bushes for some sexual privacy. The last thing they needed was to be infamous online for a scandalous public display of what many would assume to be incest.
0 0 0
Back at the I.M.P office, the whiteboard was covered in various drawings. "DIE" was written over a drawing of Loona killing the goat demon who had given her the shot at the vet's office. "Days since last fuck up: 0" was written near small pony drawings. "Productivity brainstorm: CUM" was written off to the side.
"Gonna be honest, Moxxie," said Blitzo, not too bad for your first solo mission." He sipped hot coffee from a blood-stained white mug with "BOSS BITCH" on it.
Moxxie's eyes sparkled and he gasped. "Reeeeally siiiir?"
"Nooo, no not really," Blitzo deadpanned. "You're a fucking disgrace."
Moxxie slumped in disappointment as Millie glared at Blitzo. Loona was fast asleep on the table.