Finally the moment passed and Gretchen took a shower, and thought about what to do with her day. She knew no one, and had no real aspirations, only the vague plan to find something that she was missing.

My whole life has been about Voyager.

The only thing I've ever really wanted outside of it is dance.

What could be in Starfleet Academy that I've been missing?

Kathryn had vaguely said something about placement tests, and Gretchen wondered what kind of classes would be offered, and if any of them would be interesting.

If Harry was here he could tell me. He loves the Academy. And Tom, he'd have his own special opinion on everything.

Sam. Tuvok. My father. All of them attended the Academy.

All of them spent four years on Earth learning.

Gretchen sighed. She missed them.

How did I ever think I could leave Voyager?

Her head turned downwards and she exhaled. Voyager's going to end anyway. It's going to end. As soon as we get back to Earth.

It always ends.

Her stomach and fists clenched. I can't take it again, losing everything. I don't have anything but Voyager.

I don't want to do this again.

For a long moment she pressed her head against the cold wall. Then finally, she straightened her shoulders, letting the water rush over her.

I said I wanted my freedom didn't I? That I wanted to know who I was. This is my chance, isn't it?

She dressed in her cadet uniform, feeling vaguely nauseous.

This would have been so much easier, if my mother had just let me be me, when I was a child. If I had just grown naturally into who I was.

Then I wouldn't be 26 and alone, at a weird imaginary version of Starfleet Academy, never having left my ship before.

She sighed, and left the room.

According to the information on her datapad, Gretchen had three days to take placement tests and two more to apply for entry in the classes of her choice. Classes would start at the beginning of next week. Most of the students currently on campus were freshmen undergoing orientation, but there were a few unusual cases like herself.

What tests do I want to take?

She sat down on a bench, and began looking through her options. The breeze on her face was warm, and the sun was pleasant as it shone down on her.

Engineering? Physics? Biology?

I need about four to five classes to make Starfleet happy. But it's my choice this time. I don't have to please my mother.

"Gretchen," came a cheerful and familiar voice a moment later.

"Kathryn," said Gretchen, looking up.

It feels so strange to call her by her first name.

Of course I don't even know if she's real.

Cadet Kathryn was smiling again. Gretchen was not used to all of the cheerful smiles in her direction.

"Are you trying to pick out classes? There's a lot to choose from," said Kathryn.

"There are," answered Gretchen, "I haven't even heard of some of these subjects."

"What is it you want to do?"

"I don't know," said Gretchen honestly, "I have no idea."

"Well, that's what the Academy is for," said Cadet Kathryn perkily, "There are about 10 placement tests. I'd suggest you take them all. And then you'll know what your options are."

You're so excited about taking tests, thought Gretchen sourly. The model Starfleet spokeswoman. Even now.

But she cared about what you wanted, came another voice in her head.

Yeah, well, she's not my mother or a captain yet.

Gretchen was not sure how to feel about that.

There was a pause in Gretchen's thinking as she looked back at the datapad, with its hundreds of options.

And I"m not stuck on a stranded starship anymore.

It was a very, very strange thought.

Cadet Kathryn continued to be kind and cheerful, and chatted away for at least an hour, offering her thoughts on the Academy. She finally asked Gretchen to eat breakfast with her in the dome shaped cafeteria.

They entered the cafeteria again, and Gretchen queued for a different line than Kathryn this time. They agreed to meet at a table by the window. Gretchen took a tray, and choose again, a hot soup and a tea. The soup was clear, and filled with something that looked like small fish, but must be replicated.

Gretchen turned towards the window, looking for Kathryn, and almost bumped into a blonde cadet, with hair pulled back by two blue barrettes. Gretchen looked at the face.

No.

The tray fell to the floor, shattering, throwing soup on both herself and the blonde woman.

Gretchen did not hear it, and barely felt it.

She ran.

Even here, wherever this is, thought Gretchen in despair.

She was shaking, and stared at the bright glaring sun, which no longer looked so beautiful.

Her breaths were shallow.

No.

No.

No.

"Sit down," came a voice, with instinctive command, but nowhere near the level of authority it would gain, "Put your head between your legs."

She felt a push on her shoulders, and sat as she was instructed.

She put her head between her legs.

It did help, a little.

She breathed in and out, in and out, willing the fit to pass. Finally she raised up.

"Are you alright?" came the concerned blue eyes she knew so well.

"Yes," said Gretchen, choking the answer out.

Kathryn looked at her, both concerned and questioning.

"Did something upset you?" asked the young woman gently. She did not seem as surprised as she should have been.

What did they tell her about me?

Gretchen swallowed a lump down, and debated.

"She…." said Gretchen after a moment, "Cadet Gilmore looks like the woman that murdered my mother."

Gretchen almost laughed. It was a ridiculous sentence to her. She was telling yet another version of her mother about her death, discussing yet another version of Marla Gilmore, her murderer.

I'll never escape it.

She swallowed the lump in her throat again.

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of dealing with this.

She shook again, and felt a hand on her back.

She turned to Kathryn, and those blue eyes were now very soft.

What did they tell her about me?

She did not want to ask.

"Do you want to go back?" asked Kathryn.

Do I?

She did not want to deal with this. With her mother's school, and the beautiful and glaring sun of Earth, with so many people she didn't know, and perhaps more that she did.

But what are my options?

Gretchen swallowed again.

She almost laughed, as she glanced at Kathryn's younger, weaker face, realizing that this Kathryn could not stop her. She was not Captain. She could not keep Gretchen from self-destructing, could not make her decisions for her.

What's my decision?

Gretchen could return to the cave, but back in the cave was Kh'thoh and his grimaced, dead face.

If I went back, would my fate be any different than his in the end? Even if Voyager did rescue us?

Wouldn't I only be running, again, from life?

What does this place have to teach me? Why am I here?

I have to do something differently.

I have to try to live here.

Gretchen raised up on shaking legs, nodded at Kathryn, and walked with her back to the blue cafeteria.

Marla Gilmore's eyes widened at Gretchen's apology, and her hands raised. She repeatedly waved her open palms and spoke in a soft voice that Gretchen had no reason to be sorry.

Kathryn asked if they could sit with her, and her eyes widened much farther.

"I mean, I'm only a first year," said young Marla, "And you're a fourth year and….."

She stared at Gretchen's collar for a moment.

"Fifth year," stated Kathryn, sitting down, "That's the designation for diplomatic admission, regardless of age or class."

"Diplomatic?" said Marla, widening her eyes even more, "Wow," she breathed.

"What planet do you represent?" asked Marla eagerly, as Gretchen sat down.

Gretchen paused and Kathryn answered again, "She was raised on a Starfleet ship on the edge of known space. One of those secret missions. We're not really allowed to talk about it."

"What?" asked Marla, forgetting her shyness completely, "You were born on the edge of space? I guess you can't really tell me anything about it but…..that's so cool," said Marla, smiling cheerfully, "I hope you like the Academy."

Kathryn and Marla carried most of the rest of the conversation, and Marla asked Gretchen no more questions about her family or background.

This Marla seemed perfectly kind, young and eager, even sweet.

Still, Gretchen was relieved when half an hour later, the breakfast conversation ended, and Marla ran off to her 1st year orientation group.

She relaxed, and released the breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

There were a huge number of people on campus, more than Gretchen had seen in her entire life.

Their interaction over, there was no reason she had to seek out Marla Gilmore ever again.

After another brief conversation with Kathryn, Gretchen decided to take the physics exam first. She walked by herself to the imposing classroom building and after getting lost for a few minutes, found the right classroom. As she entered the room, she saw that it was a brightly lit hall with about 25 computer test stations. About 5 of them were already occupied by cadets in various stages of their own exams.

The female professor nodded at her as she entered, and set up the physics exam at her station, setting the timer for three hours.

Gretchen breathed in and out repeatedly as she sat down, and her finger shook slightly as she pressed the button to start.

My first real challenge outside Voyager.