It was well after Shinji had fallen asleep when Asuka came to him. He was completely exhausted from tossing and turning for hours, his mind roiling, so he barely noticed it when Asuka gently shook his shoulder. When he didn't react, Asuka called his name.
"Shinji. Are you sleeping?"
Shinji groaned briefly, still in a daze, then hurriedly sat up, making Asuka flinch. She took a step back.
Then it was Shinji's turn to flinch. Asuka's body, gleaming under the moonlight, was as bare as the last time he'd seen it in the kitchen. He gasped, his pants bulging instantly.
"Asuka...?"
Asuka frowned slightly and looked down at him, clearly annoyed.
"What are you all dressed up for?"
"I, I don't sleep naked..."
"Me neither."
What's she getting at? Shinji tried not to let the frown appear on his face. Was she trying to tell him that he shouldn't have been sleeping? That he should have just been lying there, naked and waiting for her?
He swallowed hard. There was usually only one reason why a girl would enter a boy's room buck naked in the middle of the night. The primitive part of his brain momentarily forgot the frustration and resentment that had been boiling all night as he imagined Asuka slipping into bed with him, her warm body pressing against his, the feeling of her breasts -
Shinji forced his eyes up away from Asuka's chest and tried to study her face instead. Asuka frowned and leaned back slightly, wrapping her arm around her chest. The angle of it pushed her breasts together, creating a deep line of cleavage that he found utterly mesmerizing. It was amazing how much power a girl could have over a boy with just one simple gesture, Shinji mused. It was like magic or something.
The thought made something twist bitterly inside him. Maybe that was the point. Maybe she wanted him to look. Maybe she wanted the satisfaction of seeing him want her, even after all she'd done. Shinji shut his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Asuka, why are you here...?"
Despite everything, there was still a hint of anticipation in his voice. Shame brought heat to his cheeks.
Asuka averted her gaze, her face visibly flushed. Shinji's wild suspicion solidified into a certainty. Neither of them said anything for a few moments.
"...Asuka?"
Asuka closed her eyes tightly and sighed. She took a step toward Shinji, then bent at the waist, placing both hands on each of his knees. Their faces were close, close enough for a kiss. Shinji reflexively pulled away. Asuka chewed her bottom lip for a moment before finally opening her mouth.
"Our promise."
Her words, grudging though they sounded, were exactly what he had been hoping for. While he was left speechless, his excitement surging, Asuka continued, as if she were explaining herself further, as if she needed to convince herself.
"No matter what, I hate being owed something. I want to make sure this thing between us is settled before the sun comes up. Or..."
"Or...?"
"Or...we might need to talk."
This was a rare instance in which he knew exactly what she meant. But his mind was full of doubts. He wasn't sure what to make of what happened in the kitchen. Or what to say to Asuka.
Liar, a small voice muttered in Shinji's mind. You have a literal mountain of things you want to say to her.
And that was closer to the truth. He wanted to ask her if she was punishing him because he surpassed her for once. If she hated the fact that his sync rate was higher than hers, even if it wasn't by much. If she hated the fact Ms. Misato praised him to the point that she was able to so callously discard the confession that had weighed so heavily on the point she had to ruin what was supposed to be the most special day between them.
Anger aside, Shinji knew he shouldn't say those things. No, just thinking about them made him feel guilty. Asuka must have had her reasons for acting the way she did. It was her right to decide what to do with her body, and she had the right to refuse to do anything she didn't want to. Her attitude was a little inconsiderate, but in the end, Shinji shouldn't be angry about her refusal.
He shouldn't be angry, but he was. He couldn't explain it. Or maybe he didn't want to. Maybe he didn't want to face what that anger meant.
Why was he feeling guilty, anyway? If Shinji had done a similar thing to Asuka, would she have been timid and hesitant the way he was now? Wouldn't she be angry instead?
But she came to you. Another voice in Shinji's mind spoke up in her defense. Maybe this is her olive branch.
As Shinji was lost in thought, Asuka gently prodded Shinji. "...Shinji? What are you going to do now?"
Why are you asking me that? You're the one who made this mess. You're the one who should be taking the lead now. Why is it always my fault?
And that made him realize that it might not be a good idea to talk with her right now. He'd probably say something he'd regret, and he would probably damage their relationship even more than it already had been.
Then what? Shinji looked into Asuka's eyes. She was staring at him a little uneasily. Her eyes were so beautiful, yet at the same time so cold. Remote. Mercurial. Incomprehensible.
What should they do now?
Only after seeing her eyes flutter did Shinji realize he had reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders. The next moment, he was slowly but firmly pressing them down.
"Shinji?"
What am I doing? What do I want? As if answering those questions, Shinji's hands pushed the unresisting Asuka down, making her kneel between his legs.
Something sharp and hot flashed through Asuka's eyes as she looked up at Shinji, only to be replaced by shame and resignation.
"Yeah, honestly, I expected this."
An alarm went off in Shinji's head. Shinji wanted to tell her that she didn't have to do that, that he would never force her to do something uncomfortable for her. That he'd rather they do something uncomfortable for him, like talking. But the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. It was like his body wasn't cooperating with his head. Instead, when Asuka's fingers gripped the waistband of both his shorts and underwear and pulled them down together at once, Shinji lifted his ass slightly to help her.
His thing sprang stiffly to attention. A faint odor came out along with it. It was to be expected, given that it had been a few hours since he washed. It wasn't overpowering, or even especially strong, but it wasn't something he wanted Asuka to smell.
Asuka wrinkled her nose. That finally woke him up, but it was too late to stop her now. Without any warning or foreshadowing or anything one might call a preliminary motion, Asuka took him in her mouth. It wasn't a quick lick or sucking at the tip, but all the way in, all the way to the root. Shinji shuddered, unable to say anything as the heat enveloped his member. It was hotter than anything he'd ever felt. And when Asuka's tongue, sharp and molten like a blade on fire, slid under his foreskin, he...
...woke up with a sharp gasp.
The ache in his chest was overwhelming. Shinji lay still like a dead man for a while. He just wanted to curl up and go back to sleep again, but the rapidly cooling dampness of his underwear was becoming unbearable. An eternity later, he sat up. The liquid that his clothes failed to absorb began to drip downward. He limped to his desk, pulled out some tissues, and shoved his hand down there to do some quick cleanup. The sheer volume of spillage quickly made everything a sticky mess.
As if on autopilot, his body absentmindedly moved to the closet and pulled out a new pair of underwear and pants with his clean hand. After all, this wasn't his first rodeo.
It was, however, his first wet dream after he started to masturbate. And it was also the most shameful and horrible dream his mind had ever conjured up.
He should never have tossed aside the vigilance that had guided him throughout his entire life. Drunk on excitement, he had taken Asuka's words at face value and ignored his own misgivings. That so-called "permanent consent", that blanket permission for him to do whatever he wanted to her, was a lie.
Shinji left the room, all the while trying to ignore the storm of self-loathing and shame in his chest. His feet stopped in front of the door to Asuka's room.
Should he go in and talk to her? The question froze him in place. He had a hunch that it wouldn't be a good idea to go back to sleep and let the night pass, heavy with all the things left unsaid between them. But then he remembered that he wasn't wearing pants. He was still clutching his soiled clothing in one hand.
He doubted Asuka would be as receptive to his nudity in real life as he was to hers in his dream.
And that wasn't his only problem. Even once he cleaned up, what could he possibly do?
Conversation? Would he complain about his pain? That he resented her for throwing away his confession like that?
And if he somehow managed to resist the urge to complain, then what? Would he ask her why she left him there in the kitchen?
Shinji knew he wouldn't get a straight answer out of her. He'd be lucky if she didn't completely explode. But he didn't even need to ask her, not really. He already knew. He'd come so close to going off on her about it in his dream.
It was their sync rate. Because the numbers had been slightly off before the battle. That miniscule, insignificant difference was still enough to upset her that much.
It was ridiculous, if Shinji was being honest. To him, sync rates had no bearing on one's abilities as a pilot. In his opinion, he had never actually surpassed Asuka, not even once.
He still remembered the first time he sortied with her. How she'd flown between the battleships so effortlessly, as if she were dancing. He'd been so dizzy and disoriented after the second or third jump that he'd barely been able to think straight, let alone pay attention to the surrounding environment or the Angel, and all the while she was darting from ship to ship with such speed and precision. Even the slightest error would have sent them plummeting into the depths. Shinji would never be able to do that with his Unit-01. Hell, he wouldn't be able to do it with his own body. If they set up a swimming pool or something with floating stepping platforms and ordered him to jump between them, he would probably fall in. And Asuka managed to do it through the filter of Eva, with her senses and motor coordination dulled by the sync ratio.
And then there was what he saw in their next fight. In their first sortie against the 7th Angel, Asuka had moved so swiftly, swinging her glaive and cutting the Angel in half. Her initial attack, misguided as it was, had managed to impress him nonetheless. He didn't think he could ever move as nimbly as Asuka did, or use such a cumbersome weapon half so well. When Shinji asked her how she did it, Asuka shrugged and explained that she had been trained in martial arts since she was very small.
How underwhelming and pathetic he was compared to her! He thought he could shoot reasonably well with the help of the built-in computer, and he used the knife for simple lunges and thrusting, but more complex weapons left him stumped. He had no prior experience with things like that, no training, no knowledge of martial arts. There were times when he still struggled with the basics. One example that immediately came to mind was his fight against the 9th Angel, where he had to operate completely blind because he forgot how to activate the radar module of Unit-01. With all of this taken into account, Shinji had never for a moment entertained the notion that he was a better pilot than Asuka.
And those things aside, was it really so bad? That Shinji surpassed Asuka just this once? Surely she couldn't be that insecure.
Suddenly, an angry thought flashed through his mind. Do I have to stay under her forever? Remain the second-rate pilot to avoid making her angry? Is that the price I have to pay to keep her?
What am I to Asuka?
Shinji froze. Even in the suffocating heat of the summer night, he felt cold. A trickle of sweat ran down his back.
Shinji shook his head and headed for the bathroom. Asuka's door stayed closed.
With arms that felt fine one minute and on fire the next, Shinji washed his underwear and shorts and rinsed himself off. By the end of the chore he managed to calm down a bit. Simple, repetitive tasks always had that effect on him.
By the time he squeezed his clothes as tightly as his limp hands allowed, and hung them on a hangar that was as out of sight as he could manage, Shinji had come to a conclusion of sorts. That it was a good thing he hadn't gone to Asuka's room and he shouldn't go to her after this. That he should go straight to sleep.
Only pain waited behind that door.
When he left the bathroom, he didn't go straight to his room, though. Instead, he headed for the kitchen, since his throat was dry as a desert. The sight of the towels on the floor made his heart sink again, but he was glad he'd found them now. What would Ms. Misato have thought if she'd come back early in the morning and seen them?
As he squatted down to pick up the towels, a thumping noise caught his attention. Realizing the source a moment later, Shinji hurried over to Penpen's fridge and pressed the lock button. The small door swung open, and the penguin jumped out from it. The sight of him flapping his wings and wobbling made Shinji chuckle.
"Sorry. I completely forgot about you."
The penguin stopped in his tracks and looked up at Shinji, his beady black eyes full of mistrust. It was somehow cute, so Shinji reached out and stroked his crest. "Are you angry?"
Penpen lifted his head and bit down Shinji's finger with lightning speed. Shinji yelped and jerked his hand away. A drop of blood was forming on the second knuckle of his index finger. Anger bubbled up hotly in him.
"You little-"
It wasn't until he saw Penpen was looking somewhere near his head that Shinji realized he'd raised his hand high. It shook.
There was no trace of fear in the beast's defiant eyes, as if goading him to try something. It was Shinji who was afraid. He couldn't understand how he had gotten to this point, and that scared him. He dropped his hand.
"Sorry."
The penguin made something akin to a snorting sound and quickly disappeared in the direction of the bathroom, leaving Shinji alone on the kitchen floor just like Asuka did some hours ago. Not even looking back once, just like Asuka did. The thought made Shinji feel like laughing.
Instead of laughter, it was a sigh that escaped his mouth, as he cupped his face in his hands.
The day was only half over, but Asuka was already fed up with everything. This might be the worst day of her life.
Of course, that was an exaggeration. There were several days in her life that were exponentially worse than this. But still, this day was shaping up to make the list.
Asuka rummaged impatiently through her bento. The look of the greasy, slightly cooled fried rice wasn't exactly appetizing.
Or maybe it was just her mood and the food was in fact fine.
For some stupid reason, she couldn't stop thinking about the night she was coldly rejected by Mr. Kaji on the way to Japan. She remembered the stinging humiliation afterwards, alone in her cabin.
And that was very, very ridiculous. Because back then, Asuka was the one getting pushed away. But now she had done the pushing. It made something in her chest squirm uncomfortably.
Yeah, you stabbed him in the chest after he opened up to you. Just like Mr. Kaji.
It's different, a little voice in her head protested. It wasn't particularly convincing.
As was always the case when Asuka was backed into a corner, a part of her mind started to fight back. The part that couldn't bear the humiliation of being on the defensive, that always preferred to attack. The part that shifted blame to anyone but her.
He should've followed me into the room, asked me what was wrong. He should've begged me to forgive him.
So you could reject him again? another voice shot back.
Asuka frowned. Maybe she would have. No, she probably would have. If Shinji forced his way in, she might have given in eventually, or maybe she wouldn't have. She honestly didn't know, but she would have castigated him regardless. That was the conclusion she had reached yesterday when the sound of footsteps stopped in front of her door. She'd been waiting for Shinji to open it.
Would I feel better now if he came to me, even if I kicked him out again?
Probably. And Asuka was aware how disgustingly selfish that was.
Of course, things didn't go that way. Shinji hadn't said a word to her all day. In the morning, when he stood still in front of the stove, clutching his arms, Asuka felt a little sorry and told him she would take care of breakfast and lunch today. Shinji merely nodded, not even looking at her. That was the last time they spoke.
But even if Shinji had acted boldly and came into her room and thrown himself at her feet like Asuka fantasized, it wouldn't have solved anything. There was a problem that existed independently of such issues, and she had no idea how to solve it.
The spoon that was plowing the bento had stopped moving at some point. Come to think of it, this bento itself was yet another symbol, a proof, a repetition of the problem that had plagued Asuka since yesterday.
Asuka's own achievement. Underwhelming.
Worse than Shinji's.
She put her spoon down with a sigh. Her only consolation was that there was no one to see her like this. For the first time since her transfer, Asuka was eating lunch alone. There was no one sitting around her.
The girls, who would have gathered around her in a normal situation, were all surrounding Hikari Horaki today. Her shy confession that she and Suzuhara had become official yesterday had caught the attention of the entire class.
Asuka glanced briefly in the direction of Hikari. She was barely visible with all the girls surrounding her and gesturing wildly. The boys were similarly clustered in the opposite corner of the classroom, in their case centered around Suzuhara. The boy was scratching the back of his head, his cheeks slightly flushed.
So that monkey is able to blush, she thought.
It was Shinji, sitting close to Suzuhara, who caught Asuka's attention. He looked dazed, barely reacting to the incessant, excited chatter that was happening around him. The sight made her heart ache, but at the same time she was strangely irritated. She couldn't tell if it was directed at him, or herself, or someone or something other than both.
All she knew was that she couldn't take her eyes off of Shinji.
He must have felt her gaze, because he turned toward her. Their eyes met.
Say something. Give me a reaction. Anything. Something I could see and judge and base my thoughts on.
Shinji frowned slightly and looked away.
Well, that was something, at least. Asuka wanted to smile bitterly, but the tightness in her throat and the heat in her chest made it impossible.
It felt like losing, to keep looking at Shinji while he wasn't looking at her, so she snorted and looked away too.
Asuka wanted to stop thinking about Shinji, so she tried to distract herself. It wasn't too difficult, as an outburst of giggles from the girls gathered around Hikari caught her attention. It was a kind of squeaking sound that Asuka had never heard in Germany, a noise only Japanese girls made when they were either distressed or surprised or saw something exceptionally cute.
"So? What did you guys do?"
At Maki's urging, Hikari continued, her face on fire. "He didn't let go of my hand. You already lost Nozomi because the shelter is too crowded, what's the point if we get separated while looking for her, just stay right next to me, that's what he said."
"Ugh, acting all manly manly macho, huh? And Hikari fell right for it."
Everyone laughed, including Hikari, who primly covered her mouth with one hand.
"And? What happened next?" asked Maki impatiently. Asuka almost wanted to ask why she was so eager.
"Um, well, we found her soon enough, but he wouldn't let me go even after that. Said I should let Kodama deal with her, that there's a place just outside the shelter where the view of the city was great, that I should definitely check it out."
Gasps erupted around Hikari. Asuka had to resist the urge to snort.
"So? Did you go there?"
"So, I went out with him. It wasn't 'just outside', it was a bit of a hike up a mountain, but it was so worth it. You can see the whole basin there, the wind was cool, and it was quiet, too, since everyone was in the shelter."
"Wait, so you saw it? The Angel? Was it really that enormous?"
Someone asked, and before Hikari could answer the question, another girl interrupted.
"Oh yeah, I heard it was big, like, really big. Heard Ikari was the one who killed it. But I've yet to meet someone who actually saw it. My family was evacuated over a mountain so we couldn't see anything"
Asuka gritted her teeth and picked up her spoon. She wasn't the only one who didn't want the story to derail, though, and once again, Maki swooped in to clear the traffic.
"Oh please shut up! That's not important right now! So, Hikari, what happened after that? What did you two do there...?"
Hikari blushed, lowering her head. Everyone waited, not even breathing. Even Asuka put down the rice she just picked up and eyed Hikari, as some genuine interest bloomed inside her.
Hikari twisted a lock of her hair around her pinky once, twice, thrice, and blushed until her freckles were bright, bright red. Then she finally, timidly spoke up.
"We confessed. I don't know how the conversation got there, but... somehow it ended up like that."
Asuka sighed at the lame conclusion, so tame compared to the almost grandiose introduction.
So much for all the fuss. You'd think they kissed or something. What a child.
Shaking her head, Asuka lifted a spoonful of rice, then stopped in her tracks. Something was strange in the air. She looked up to find the entire group of girls staring at her wordlessly, including Hikari. Asuka felt her throat tighten.
Shit, did I actually blurt that out? Or are they angry over just a sigh?
As everyone watched in stunned silence, Hikari smiled awkwardly, as if to confirm Asuka's thoughts. "Yeah, maybe it's nothing to you, Asuka. We're all a bit childish compared to you, we can't really help that. You're a pilot and a university graduate and all."
Asuka suddenly wished that the ground would swallow her up. It was a novel feeling. Of course, she thought, trying to banish the embarrassment, but the words fell flat even in her head. Maybe she should walk with Hikari when school let out to make it up to her. Not like Shinji would care.
Why would she leave her boyfriend alone and walk with you? Who do you think you are? Think about a way to make up with your own boyfriend, you silly girl.
If it had been just Hikari and her, she might have been able to handle this with ease, without too much trouble. Maybe just a simple gesture or even an apology. But the whole class, or at least the female half of it, was watching her now, and she couldn't quickly think of a way to save face.
But staying silent for too long was also a sign of weakness, so Asuka cleared her throat once and spoke up.
"Well, we-"
"Hey, Hikari. I think a little differently."
Someone sucked in a sharp breath in surprise, but everyone else shut their mouths and watched in silence as befit a classroom that smelled drama. At the periphery of her vision, Asuka saw that even some of the boys were starting to glance her way, sensing something was amiss.
Asuka looked to the source of the voice. It was the girl standing nearest to Hikari, gripping the back of a chair with both hands. A well-maintained, glossy hime cut caught Asuka's eyes. Yuko. Recently started to date a third grader named Taro after chasing him around for some time.
By the time Asuka remembered that info, Yuko was still talking.
"I always noticed that when we talked about boys and dating, Asuka would always just nod and agree and whatever, but she'd never tell us anything. And she always dodges when we try and ask her about it! Can't help but wonder, you know, if she's just pretending to know things to cover up the fact that she actually doesn't have any experience at all."
Then Yuko paused and flicked her hair with an exaggerated, theatrical gesture. It was kind of cute. She must be thinking she already won. And how long had she been waiting for this moment? Dreaming of usurping her?
"Well, it's understandable that you're inexperienced," Yuko continued, a smirk beginning to appear on her lips. "Having high standards is natural. Surely very few boys would satisfy you. I really understand that. But don't you think it's a little presumptuous, then? To look down on other girls' dating lives when you've never had a boyfriend yourself? I'm sure you wouldn't like it if we started to act all high and mighty about Evangelion fights. So what gives you the right to talk down to Hikari so easily?"
With that, Yuko paused with a smug grin, as if daring Asuka to shoot back. At the sight, Asuka felt a cruel delight that was almost close to bliss. Only then did Asuka realize that this was exactly the kind of thing she needed right now. A shiver ran down her spine.
If Hikari complained to her, Asuka would have found neither the justification nor the will to react venomously. What was instead happening was a despicable attempt to push Asuka further down the pecking order while pretending to stand up for Hikari, and at minimum half of the class was witnessing it in suspense.
It was also the first serious challenge against Asuka since her transfer.
Asuka had secured her position at the top of the food chain within the first week of her arrival in Japan. All the girls had instantly recognized her looks, intelligence, and her status as a pilot. And, after several skirmishes that she quashed with ease, everyone submitted to her unyielding, indomitable personality. Most just prostrated themselves to her after that without a fight, acknowledging her as someone higher in the totem pole of class politics. Some girls with their own established positions showed an appropriate reverence and kept a respectful distance, creating a relationship that was built on mutual respect that also noted one party's superior position.
This was just another little rebellion. She knew how to deal with this. There was no reason to show mercy. What was left to do was hang, draw, and quarter.
Asuka smiled softly as she organized the relevant information in her head for offense and defense. Indeed, there was more than enough ammunition.
Asuka doubted that Yuko had any idea of the frequency of her appearances in class gossip. She was the second most frequently talked about person in the class, just behind the Hikari-Suzuhara saga. That she was chosen as this quarter's plaything for that handsome fuckboy Taro was a huge scandal on its own. Even Shinji was aware of that, having been told so by Asuka one evening.
And the gall of her, daring to talk about experience. Asuka had to steady herself a bit as she felt like bursting out laughing. Losing her temper would be bad, but laughing uncontrollably would hamper her line delivery, too.
If you tried this just a few weeks earlier, I would have had no defense. Fortune isn't on your side, stupid girl.
Asuka shook her head in exasperation, then tilted it slightly.
"I hear what you're saying, Yuki. I agree with some of it. Like, that I have high standards. Or that I'd feel bad if you pretended to know about Evangelion stuff. Or that someone shouldn't talk about things they have never experienced."
Yuko opened her mouth with a slightly flushed face, but Asuka continued without the slightest pause. "But I want to set one thing straight: what makes you think you of all people have any right to belittle me for my experience? Or apparent lack thereof, according to you?"
Asuka hoped that Yuko would take the bait. Attacking Yuko's own dating life and bringing it to the forefront would deflect the argument from Hikari's own experiences to Yuko's. That way Hikari wouldn't be caught in the crossfire and humiliated as a result, and Asuka could enjoy her victory guilt-free.
So, when Yuko reacted exactly as Asuka had expected, a triumphant smile crept up on her lips.
"Well, I'm sure I have more right to talk about this matter than you, Asuka."
Asuka raised her eyebrows, making a blatantly fake surprised face.
"Really? I never thought that way. I mean, no way a manwhore like Takurou would still be dating you if he fucked you already! He'd have moved on to new prey long ago. He's famous for that, after all, collecting virgins. You're what, his third girl this year? Honestly, I thought you were smart for not spreading your legs for him right away, Yuki. I was thinking maybe you would be the one to fix that boy. I'm a little disappointed, really. I was rooting for you. And, you know, don't you think it's a little early for that? You're just a kid."
Someone gasped, perhaps because Asuka's rhetoric was much more vulgar than anyone could have expected. Asuka smiled warmly at the sight of Yuko's reddened face. The other girl was backed into a corner and they both knew it. Firing back on Asuka calling them the wrong names meant acknowledging Asuka's implication that they were not even worthy of her memory. If she protested against actually sleeping with Taro, she'd be admitting that she was still indeed a child. It wasn't even worth attempting to defend her boyfriend's past history. Not replying, or even hesitating to reply, was admitting defeat. The only possible way out was countering Asuka's attack on her age. Asuka sat back, waiting.
"We're still... Taro's been..." Yuko rambled for a moment, but she managed to compose herself and snorted. She wasn't that much of a weakling, although Asuka was still playing her like a fiddle. "Have you forgotten that you and I are the same age?"
"Oh, have you forgotten that you and I..." Asuka smirked and shook her head slightly. "...are not living the same life?"
One would have to be even less perceptive than Shinji to recognize Asuka's hidden words. You and I are not of the same class. The thought of Shinji made Asuka wonder what he was doing, so she briefly glanced around. The small groups of girls that stubbornly didn't join Hikari, and the boys around Suzuhara were all looking this way, intently watching the unfolding drama. Suzuhara, who was the center of a large group like Hikari, was looking back and forth between Asuka and Yuko with a blank expression on his tanned face. There was only one person who didn't show any interest in Asuka. It was the First, sitting in her seat and looking out the window. Even Shinji, who had consciously avoided Asuka so far, was now watching her with a guarded look on his face. After exchanging a glance with him for a moment, Asuka turned her eyes back to Yuko. Asuka wasn't sure what to make of Shinji's look, but she couldn't waste any more time now. With a haughty smile, Asuka continued her attack.
"You know, the human brain is a funny thing. Once it tastes death, it instinctively demands confirmation that it's actually alive. And there's nothing that makes you feel more alive than, you know, that. I need that. I hope you don't. Not yet, anyway. I do this whole piloting thing precisely so you don't have to experience a life-or-death crisis. We're on totally different levels. You could never understand what it's like."
Of course, she made this whole thing up. Asuka had never really thought much about it, and there was even a part of her that wondered if she was being too theatrical, dramatic, and a little too pretentious. But at the same time, a part of her felt it actually rang true, that it was plausible. She wasn't sure if it was a voice from a part of her that didn't want to feel like a liar, trying to believe her own lies, or if this kind of thing was always in her heart, just not recognized until now. She didn't know. But then again, Asuka's mind was always full of such vague and self-contradicting ideas.
Asuka turned her gaze to Shinji once more. He was looking down at the desk in front of him. It felt almost disconcerting to see him looking away, when every single other face she could see was turned towards her, nervously watching.
We would have announced ourselves one way or another anyway. This is becoming weird, yes, but we're still on schedule, Shinji.
Even as she thought that, Asuka couldn't help but feel something tugging at her heart.
But none of that was important right now. She would have time to think about it later. Her own truth. Shinji's reaction to her actions. Their recent crisis. Their sync rates. The broken promise. All of it.
What mattered now was whether Yuko would fall into Asuka's carefully constructed trap and open herself up for the final blow that would slaughter her for good.
"Yuko, Asuka, it's not a big deal, alright? Now you..." Hikari, realizing that the situation was completely out of control, stood up awkwardly and placed a hand on Yuko's shoulder, but there was no way she could salvage things at this point. Yuko leaned to the other side and shrugged away from Hikari's hand, then crossed her arms.
And just like that, Yuko stepped into the final phase of Asuka's game.
"Wow, that was an amazing speech, Asuka. I guess Evangelion pilots really do live a life that a normal kid like me can't even imagine. I admit it. But Asuka, may I ask who he is, then? You made me really curious. You admitted it yourself that you have high standards. Who could possibly comfort the great Asuka Langley Soryu, then? Who is this equally great boy, I wonder?"
A corner of Yuko's mouth twitched upward in a mocking arc. "Don't you dare say he goes to a different school or something. Or that you left him behind in Germany, or that we wouldn't know him."
With fingers that trembled slightly because they were already excited by the smell of blood in the air, Asuka untied the watch from her left wrist. In the place where the strap had come undone, the bruise Shinji had made yesterday morning revealed itself, the blue smudge stark against her pale skin. A susurrus of whispers picked up as people began to notice it. Asuka raised her left hand in a slow, theatrical pose. It was so funny and fulfilling to see everyone's heads turning at the same time, like puppies watching their master lift a rubber ball.
The tension in the classroom was tauter than the last thread of rope holding a climber above the abyss. Everyone waited for Asuka to speak. Then the sound of a chair scraping across the floor ripped through the quiet like an explosion. Everyone whipped their heads around in shock. It was Shinji, walking away. Leaving. Leaving Asuka and her drama behind.
What are you doing? You are the key witness. You can't leave the courtroom yet. No, you're not just a witness, you are the main character, along with me.
Before Shinji could take two steps, Asuka spoke up. "Shinji, where are you going? Before you go, would you mind explaining to Yuki here what you did to my wrist yesterday?"
Whispers grew. Shinji looked back at Asuka, wide-eyed and pale, but didn't say anything. But Asuka wasn't expecting an answer from him anyway. If Shinji had answered it could throw her off-balance, depending on what he said. So, with everything under control and in her expectation, Asuka didn't let up her momentum and continued.
"I didn't even say no. I just told you to cool it until we got home, but you couldn't even wait that long, could you? So rough. Pinning me down and doing whatever you wanted to me. You hurt me, you know. You really should be more careful next time. You don't realize how strong you actually are."
Though her words were addressing Shinji, Asuka was keeping her eyes on Yuko the entire time. The barely concealed panic on Yuko's face amused her. The rumbling that spread like wildfire sounded to Asuka's ears like the prelude to a symphony that sang of her triumph.
"What the hell was that?" Suzuhara muttered.
The others fell silent again, intently watching Shinji's mouth, waiting for his confirmation or denial.
"Asuka..." Shinji muttered. It came out strained, almost like a whimper.
It wasn't a very satisfying response, but it was within the expected range, and it was enough to accomplish Asuka's goal anyway. Indeed, everyone apparently got the message, falling into shocked silence. It took several seconds until someone spoke up.
"Oh my God, he's not denying."
Suzuhara jumped out of his seat. "Woah, this shit's-"
"Wait." A cold voice interrupted Suzuhara. At the same time, porcelain-white fingers appeared from behind his shoulder and pressed him down, forcing him back into his seat.
As Suzuhara spun around and shouted, Rei Ayanami moved through the gap Suzuhara was blocking a moment ago like a floating ghost. All eyes, including those of Hikari, Yuko, Shinji, and Asuka, turned to her.
This was unexpected even for Asuka. The sight of the First's pale lips parting tensed Asuka up.
"Second. You're either lying or unintentionally misrepresenting what transpired between you and Ikari. I was there. I saw it."
Asuka's heart froze.
What the hell is wrong with this bitch...?
"Did I hear it right? Is she saying it's a lie?"
"Pilot civil war! Pilot civil war!"
Girls started to whisper.
In contrast to Asuka's rapidly draining face, color returned to Yuko's. She was about to open her mouth to speak, almost gleefully, but when Rei Ayanami showed signs of continuing, she quickly returned to a very respectful listening position. Asuka's insides burned.
"The intercourse between you and Ikari was a mutually consensual endeavor. It is true you rejected him several times, but those were clearly rhetorical and inconsistent with your other actions and words, and Ikari was, ultimately, acting under both your implicit and explicit consent. Your disputes with your fellow students are none of my business, but spreading misinformation about Ikari's character and actions is unacceptable. And…"
Something flashed in the First Child's red eyes. "I am not as ignorant of context as you think. If you think you can distort events that I have directly witnessed, you are making a grave mistake."
The monotone voice ended, and a deathly silence descended on the classroom. Asuka thought she could hear the faint rasp of everyone's eyelids opening and closing. The silence went on, and on, and on, and on, and on, before finally being broken by a slapping sound as Shinji's hands covered his face.
What followed was a roar that resembled an overturned beehive, if the bees were the size of schoolchildren and a loudspeaker was held up to the hive. Asuka burst out laughing. The most she could make out in the cacophony was someone screaming at the top of her lungs, "I knew it! I told you they were a thing!" Many girls, like Kaori and others, ran over to Asuka, circling her and grabbing her hands and chattering excitedly, but Asuka couldn't even remember what she'd said to them. She must have given some response, but that was it. She only remembered that she laughed until her stomach ached.
All the while her eyes were searching for Shinji. He wasn't where he was standing a moment ago, making it hard to find him among the chaos. It took a moment for Asuka to realize why the boy was so hard to find; Suzuhara, grinning like an idiot, had Shinji in a headlock and was screaming something in his ear. Pinned between Suzuhara's arm and armpit, limp and unmoving, Shinji was at an angle where Asuka couldn't see his face.
I had to make sure, after all.
Just as Asuka was thinking that, Hikari entered her sight. Most of the girls who had gathered around her until a moment ago had split off into smaller groups of two or three or flocked to Asuka now, all of them chattering frantically, and Hikari was left sitting alone. When their eyes met, Hikari smiled awkwardly, then looked away and stared into an empty space. At that moment, Asuka realized that there was an element to this situation that she hadn't considered.
Did I steal your spotlight, Hikari? Did I make today my day when it should have been yours?
The thought made Asuka's heart heavy for a moment, but the next moment she found Yuko, standing alone, her face red, and that sight made all the heavy feelings disappear, forgotten.
Asuka won.
She crushed the challenge and kept her rightful spot.
Nothing was more important than that.
Stepping into the observation booth, Misato grabbed the front of her blouse and shook it a few times. Her entire body felt sticky and disgusting, and she was nearing the end of her rope. She couldn't wait to get off work and go home to sleep.
Against the backdrop of reinforced windows overlooking a test hangar, Ritsuko stood among rows and rows of computer terminals, all of them turned off for now. There were no other personnel in the room, just the two of them. Ritsuko was holding printouts in her hand, reading them, when she noticed Misato.
"Quite busy, huh?"
"Yeah. Something happened at the recovery site. Had to go up to the surface."
There was an attempt by the civilian government to readjust part of the cordon, citing traffic congestion, even though the remains of the Angel were still a long way from being disposed of. It was such a blatant overstepping of the authority there wasn't even room for negotiation. Normally, a simple phone call and a short threat would have been enough to settle the matter, and Misato had actually thought she had done so after such a phone call several hours ago. But the City Council itself had contacted her after that, complicating things. They half-protested and half-begged her to at least see the state of the traffic with her own eyes before quoting rules and whatnot. Misato had decided that she should at least show up before rejecting them, figuring that would be diplomatically wise.
Well, the condition of the sectors neighboring the cordoned area really was an astronomical mess. This was not the first time that fighting had taken place in the city center, but the size of the Angel was exceptional, and the location of its demise overlapped with an intersection of several major roads. Historically, it was one of the busiest ones in the city. Even Misato's usual commute route was seeing a choking traffic jam, making her briefly consider some sort of concession of cordon perimeter. There was always a margin she could shave off, after all.
Of course, she instantly rejected it and came back to the Geofront. She'd have to take the outer ring road to get home, assuming she would be able to go home today at all.
Ritsuko thrust the papers in her hand at Misato. "Not like we need you for the testing process anyway. All you have to do is read the results."
Misato walked over to her and accepted the papers. She felt a momentary confusion at the dizzying array of graphs and numbers, but these kinds of reports usually followed a certain structured format to help people like Misato, so she was able to find the numbers she was supposed to check soon enough.
"Let's see... Asuka's at 42. Shinji's at 35, Rei's at 31. So they're back to their old numbers."
"No. In Shinji and Asuka's cases, they're slightly lower than average for the three weeks prior to the battle, with Shinji's drop being particularly noticeable."
Misato shrugged and handed the report back to Ritsuko.
"He's the one who was injured the most. That must have affected him."
Then Misato frowned. "Or maybe there was no real decrease in the synchronization rate. Maybe you were right and the readings from the last battle were actually an error, and this one is just normal numbers."
Misato was barely finished when Ritsuko shook her head.
"Wrong."
"About what?"
"First, the Evangelion synchronization is not affected by physical factors, at least not as significantly as this. There must be other factors at play in Shinji and Asuka's rates declining. Probably psychological. And second, you were right."
But you just said I was wrong, Misato almost complained, when Ritsuko scratched her head. Her confusion must have preceded her words.
"I'm sorry, I haven't slept. I'm saying nonsense. What I meant is, you were right then, and wrong now. The inspection showed no device failure or program error, so the synchronization rate observed during the last battle was likely real, not an observational error. So the result today means the largest drop we've seen in just one day."
"Huh."
Ritsuko picked up a clipboard that was lying on a nearby monitor and began to clip the reports in. She tilted her head slightly in Misato's direction, her gaze emotionless.
"Operations Director Katsuragi. You may want to seriously reconsider your management policy regarding the two pilots."
A cold wind blew through Misato's chest. "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Ritsuko didn't even bother to respond to that, just snapping the clip shut with a click and turning to walk away. As she passed by, she whispered in a low voice.
"He knows."
Left alone in the cold observation booth, Misato thought for a long time about what Ritsuko's words meant, about the numbers she'd seen and what they meant, about what was happening in her house, about what she should have done and what she should not have done.
She didn't have any answers about any of them. Misato shook her head and shifted her feet as the hangar's lights went out one by one with a loud crackle and the light that had been streaming through the reinforced windows vanished, plunging the room into total darkness.
Despite thinking she might have been late, Misato moved toward the pilots' locker room. It was probably her last chance to talk to them in person today, after all. She had no idea what to tell them, to be honest, but she knew she wanted to see their faces now.
Some staff greeted her in the hallways and elevator, and some of them spoke to her as if they had some business, but Misato tuned them out. After some time she found herself standing in front of the door.
Misato was about to enter when she realized she didn't know if they had finished changing, and that she didn't need to go in since the kids would come out as soon as they were done. But as she stood there waiting, she also realized that they might have already left headquarters and the locker room could be empty, making a fool of her, standing in front of an empty room.
You could just ask if anyone is inside, stupid.
Misato realized that she really was sleep deprived. Clearing her throat, she opened her mouth, but a sharp, shrill voice from inside shut her up.
"So what's the problem if you're not ashamed?!"
It was Asuka's voice, followed by Shinji's, which sounded a little too muffled to be heard from beyond the door.
"... not ... you ...ly misled them!"
"Ah, so that's the problem? Lying?"
Misato was sure Shinji had replied, but she couldn't hear a word of it this time. She was torn between two options; go in now and dive into the fight, or step back because it wasn't right to eavesdrop. But she couldn't move forward or backward, as if her feet were nailed to the spot. Then Asuka's voice burst out again.
"... could always make it not a lie, then!"
What are they even talking about? Why are they fighting? Misato thought for a moment, and then realized that this time she couldn't hear Shinji's voice, muffled or not. Or Asuka's voice either, for that matter. Either their voices had dropped down to a level she couldn't hear, or a silence had fallen. She had no way of knowing. She tilted her head toward the door a little and strained her ears to hear. Nothing.
Because of the prolonged silence, Misato was startled when Shinji's voice ripped it to shreds. She almost yelped in surprise but restrained herself at the last moment.
"What am I to you, Asuka?"
Asuka's reply was quick, sharp, and her tone was odd. "What?"
Shinji didn't say anything after that, or if he did, it was too low for Misato to hear. Probably the former, Misato thought, since Asuka didn't respond either.
Only when silence fell again was Misato able to take a cautious step backward, as if a spell had been lifted from her feet.
After leaning against the wall opposite the door for a moment, waiting for the kids, Misato shook her head and silently walked toward the nearest elevator.