A/N: Hello Trekkies! I am a life-long Trekkie fan myself, having grown up watching TOS (in reruns, not live!), Star Trek: TNG, and now I love the new shows, Discovery and Strange New Worlds. Ep8 "Under the Cloak of War" was really hard to watch - so dark and painful on many levels. I really wanted a scene where Christine reached out to Spock, who was trying so hard to be there for her - didn't happen on the show - so I wrote one! I hope you enjoy - no flames please! I don't own anything - just wanted to play with these characters for a bit - and then put them back.
"Enter."
At the sound of the door swooshing open, Spock rose from his meditation pose, and turned to meet the startled eyes of Christine Chapel, as she took in his bare chest and loose-fitting pants.
"I-I'm disturbing you," she stammered. "I should have called first-"
The door opened again as she backed up far enough for the sensor to register her presence. Spock took two long strides forward and snagged her wrist, gently pulling her back inside his quarters.
"Christine," he breathed her name softly. "You are not disturbing me – I was merely meditating – my nightly ritual to clear the mind before retiring for the evening. But I find that I am unable to focus properly -"
Christine smiled sadly as she flipped her hand over and entwined their fingers together. "I suppose that is also my fault – I asked you for space – and you gave it to me, even though I know I hurt you. I need you to know that what I'm going through – what I went through – it doesn't have anything to do with you – or us – or – hell, I'm not explaining this very well."
"I want to help, if I can."
She shook her head. "You can't – you weren't there – you can't possibly understand what we went through on J'Gal - and you should be glad you weren't there – that you don't have those images in your mind or the emotional scars."
He lifted his free hand and brushed a few strands of her white-blonde hair behind her ear. "I would share your pain – if you will allow it."
Christine blinked in surprise, taking a moment to absorb his words. "You're talking about a mind meld?"
"Yes."
"Why would you want to do this?"
"I recently performed a mind meld with my mother – as a part of my engagement dinner with T'Pring and her parents. She shared the memory of an ordinary day on which she took me to school, and I played with other Vulcan children, and was accepted by them – but I saw the day through her eyes for the first time. She was rejected and scorned by the other mothers because she was human. She was never accepted because of something that is beyond her control – and until that day, I never understood the depth of her pain. She hid it from me my entire life."
Christine sighed. "And the mind meld helped you to see all that?"
"Yes."
"Spock, I-" She withdrew from his touch, crossed her arms over her chest and began to pace. "I have thought about it – sharing my mind with you – especially because it is so hard for me to talk about what happened on J'Gal. But you need to understand – I have secrets inside of me that aren't mine to tell – I don't want you poking around in there-"
"Mind melds do not work that way, Christine. They are very specific in nature. You would simply think of a day or event from the war that you wish to share with me-"
"I don't wish to share any of it!" she yelled, closing her eyes against the pain. "I just want to forget it!"
"And yet, you cannot," he rejoined softly. "Even before Ambassador Rah arrived on the Enterprise, you had nightmares. You never told me the nature of your dreams but if I was to use logic-"
"Don't – please." She held up her hand, as if she could stop his words, stop the truth of what he was saying. She saw that she wasn't swaying him, so she changed tactics, even if it meant playing dirty. "I thought mind melds were personal, intimate rituals - something Vulcans only did with family members or – fiancées?"
"You are speaking of my engagement contract with T'Pring."
She shrugged, her eyes skittering away, refusing to look at him. She heard the sound of his footsteps as he closed the distance between them, coming to stand directly in front of her, but he kept his hands at his sides.
"Christine, I'm here on the Enterprise with you, not on Vulcan with T'Pring. I have already told you that I have feelings for you – and yes, I was hurt when you asked for space. I did not understand what I had done wrong-"
His words were cut off by Christine's lips on his and for a moment he let her kiss him, savoring the taste of her lips on his, as it had been three days since he had been this close to her. He shivered slightly as she caressed his left ear and he felt her smile, knowing the effect it had on him.
He pulled back to look down at her, quirking an eyebrow. "Does this mean you no longer require space?"
She chortled a laugh before dropping her forehead to his chest. "It hasn't helped, Spock, nothing has."
"Perhaps we could try the mind meld-"
She leveled a dark look at him. "It won't change what happened."
"No, it will not. But you will no longer be alone with your nightmares of what happened on J'Gal, and I will no longer think of the Klingon war simply in terms of statistics."
She drew in a sharp breath as he threw her words back at her. "I didn't mean-"
"Perhaps not – but upon reflection, I realize that you were correct." He moved out of her arms and motioned to the meditation circle on the floor. "Shall we?"
She didn't reply but followed him to the circle and sat down facing him, folding her legs underneath her, breathing in the scent of the candles.
"I'm going to leave here smelling like you again."
He frowned as she smiled.
"Everyone will know we were together-"
His eyes lit in understanding as he leaned over to snuff out the candles, but she placed a hand on his chest. "Don't – I like the scent. It's soothing and that's the point, isn't it? I'll just tell anyone who asks that you were teaching me mediation techniques, which is mostly true."
He nodded and then his face cleared of emotion as he reached a hand toward her face.
Christine tensed and his hand dropped.
"This will not work if you do not relax."
"I know," she licked her lips. "I just – give me a minute, all right?"
Spock waited, watching her breathe in and out, trying to relax and failing as her shoulders tightened with tension. He placed both his hands on his knees, palms up, within reach of her fingers, and closed his eyes.
"Take one of my hands in yours."
She gave him a quizzical look, but she took his left hand, and he placed their palms together, then slowly fanned their fingers out, then together, then out again, all in time to his slow breathing. Through his lowered lids he could see that she was beginning to relax, her own breathing slowing to match his. He raised his other hand and cupped her cheek, pushing back her hair, caressing her smooth skin.
"Spock?" she whispered.
"Yes?"
"I am ready."
He caressed her cheekbone one last time before moving his fingers into position. "My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts-"
Christine let out a soft gasp as the connection was made and instantly Spock was there in her mind—
"Emergency transport! Incoming casualties!"
"M'Benga! They're all children – this girl is younger than my baby sister! We have to save her!"
Blood – explosions – losing the patterns being saved in the transporter buffer in order to save the incoming wounded – the girl dying in her arms – doing what she had to do in order to get off that moon alive- even if that meant taking -
Christine broke the connection with a sharp cry, the pain and vividness of the images too much to bear. She was gasping for breath, trying to hold back tears as she opened her eyes to meet Spock's, intending to verbally lash out and tell him what a huge mistake this had been.
The words died in her throat.
Spock was sitting as still as a stone statue across from her, a faraway look in his eye, two solitary tears streaking down his cheeks.
"Spock?" She said his name softly so as not to startle him, but he didn't respond.
Christine closed the small gap between them and crawled into his lap, straddling his thighs, cradling his face in her hands as a giant shudder ran through his body. His hands came up to rest on her hips as she thumbed his cheeks, wiping his tears away.
"Hey, are you okay? Are you back with me?"
He blinked once, twice. "You were right – I had no idea what you went through," His voice was hoarse as his eyes rested on hers thoughtfully. "I have no words, Christine, for what I just saw. I have taken part in many mind melds, experienced many memories through other species' eyes. But this time – with you - it was different."
"Different how?"
"I – I was physically there with you – on J'Gal – feeling what you felt. Was it the same for you?"
She nodded. "It was – it was like you were standing right next to me, reliving that day with me – but I thought that was the way mind melds worked."
He shook his head. "I have never experienced one so intense before-"
"So, what does this mean?" There was a hint of fear in her voice as she asked him the question.
"I do not know-" He gave her a small smile as he repeated the same words back to her that she had said to him after their first kiss. "But if I was to go by my feelings rather than logic, I would say that you and I are forming our own unique, strong bond - one that goes beyond anything I have ever experienced with anyone else."
She swallowed. "Stronger than your bond with-"
He placed his lips over hers, effectively cutting off her communication, not wanting to hear her compare their newly formed bond to his one with T'Pring.
"So, can we be done talking about mind melds and the war for tonight?" she asked when he pulled away.
"I have cleared my mind and it is late enough to retire for the evening-" He paused and looked at her, waiting for a response.
"Do you wish me to stay?"
"Do you still require space?"
She rolled her eyes. "Spock, I want you to say what it is you want-"
"I want you to stay."
She gave him a swift kiss before she stood up and held out her hands, even though she knew he could get up on his own. He let her pull him to his feet, and he breathed in her scent as she wrapped herself around him.
"Then I'll stay – but only if you agree to let me get some sleep."
He frowned. "I do not understand – how would my presence inhibit your sleeping patterns?"
She snorted. "You really have no idea how sexy you are, do you? Look, I'm exhausted, and I need sleep and I need you to hold me – but that's all for tonight, okay, big fella?"
A shocked look crossed Spock's face. "I do not expect sexual intercourse every time we share a bed-"
"I'm teasing you, Spock."
An hour later, they lay tangled in each other's arms, sweaty and satisfied in his bed.
"You are feeling better."
It was a statement, not a question.
Christine nodded, not lifting her head from his chest.
"For now, but I need you to know that it comes and goes – I have good days and bad – sometimes I'll feel like talking about it and sometimes I'll shut you out – and I'll say sorry in advance if I hurt you-"
"I understand."
She lifted her head now to stare at him in the darkened room. "How can you?"
"Our meld let me see a bit of the war through your eyes –even though I didn't experience it firsthand – and I experienced some of your pain – I felt what it did to you. The next time you tell me you need space; I will understand why you are asking for it."
"Spock, I- I don't know what to say." she choked. "No one has ever cared enough about me to try to see the world through my eyes."
He kissed her tenderly. "There is an old Vulcan saying: 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.' When I was growing up and I felt like an outsider because of my human side, my mother told me that everyone had value and was important – that no one was to be left behind or forgotten. She reworded that saying to include the words: 'But sometimes the needs of the one outweighs the needs of the many'."
Christine traced the outside of Spock's ear, grinning as he moaned at the caress. "I think your mother is a very wise woman. I'd like a proper introduction the next time she's on board."
He gave her a slow smile. "That can be arranged."
"But perhaps-" a shadow crossed her face and she dropped her hand from his ear. "It would be better to wait until things are decided between you and T'Pring. I don't want to cause friction between you and your mother, or ask her to keep secrets from-"
"Christine."
She fell silent at the sound of her name coming out of his mouth – he only said it when they were alone, and it never failed to send a delicious tingle of desire along her spine. Outside of his quarters – or hers- she was still Nurse Chapel.
He drew her tighter against him, and she could feel the strong beat of his heart under her fingertips.
"I have spoken of you often in my communications with my mother – she is eager to meet the woman who in her words 'has accepted her son for who he is – and not the Vulcan everyone wishes him to be'." He cupped her cheek and she gasped, as the touch electrified her skin and at the same time she felt not only her emotions for him, but his for her as well.
She covered his hand with her own. "Is it always like this when mating with a Vulcan?" she whispered. "I know you said Vulcan emotions are stronger than human ones – but you didn't warn me that I would feel what you feel-"
"It is part of touch telepathy. I did not know it would be possible for us – I have never been with a human female before," Spock confessed. "Perhaps it is also the result of our mind melding and the strong bond that is forming between us. Does it – are you uncomfortable or in pain – feeling what I feel?"
"No!" she gasped, shaking her head, pressing her lips against his, giving him a series of short, sweet kisses. "It feels wonderful – if not a bit overwhelming, feeling your emotions as well as mine. I just worry about-" she paused, searching for the right words, not wanting to admit how much this was going to hurt when whatever they had ended. "I want to enjoy whatever this is – without worrying that I may be ruining your future –"
He rolled, taking her with him, and pinned her underneath his body. "It is illogical to worry about things that are out of our control. Right now, at this moment, I am no longer conflicted. I am with someone who sees both sides of me and does not view either as a weakness but is teaching me that both have value and merit – and that I should not inhibit one at the cost of the other."
Christine shook her head. "I care deeply for the man that you are – I went to interstellar space to save that man – your human and Vulcan sides both. You aren't you if one part of you is missing, Spock."
"I do not think everyone would agree with your assessment."
She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. "That is their loss and my gain then." She did her best to smother a yawn, but he caught it as well as the sleepy look in her eyes and pulled back, stretching his long body out beside her.
"I must apologize for my amorous nature this evening – you said you required sleep-"
She smothered a laugh on his shoulder. "Spock, you weren't alone in our activities- I was right there with you. I wanted sex just as much as you did –" she smothered another yawn. "It's been a while since we-"
"Seventy-five hours, to be exact," he said with a stoic expression. "Not that I was counting."
She slapped his chest and was surprised when he let out a soft snort of laughter.
"Wait – was that a joke?" she demanded, her mouth falling open in surprise.
"Was the delivery not, correct? I could try again-"
"Oh God-" she dissolved into tired giggles on the pillow and watched as a slow, lazy grin spread across his face.
"It is good to hear your laughter, Christine." He pressed a kiss to her temple as he gently wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body against his.
She snuggled into his warmth, glad for the fact that his body temperature was several degrees warmer than hers, and therefore she didn't need covers when they slept together though they often had a light sheet over them for modesty's sake. She rested her cheek in the crook of his neck, her breath tickling the fine hair just starting to poke out on his chin.
"Thank you," she breathed out softly.
"May I ask what you are wishing to show gratitude for?"
Sleep was claiming her, but she struggled to form the words before it claimed her. "For being you. For giving me space but not letting me push you away. For sharing my pain."
"I would remove your pain if it were possible."
"I know you would."
He reached down and tilted her chin up so that their lips could meet in one last, lazy, dreamy kiss. Their emotions flowed between them, making the words unnecessary, and due to the current circumstances, impossible to say out loud, but the words echoed in each other's mind all the same:
I love you.
Christine was shaking slightly as she pulled away from the intensity of their connection, but Spock misunderstood her trembling and asked if she was cold.
"No, just tired."
He pulled her back into his arms, and she closed her eyes, once again shutting out thoughts of the future, instead focusing on the man in her arms who had managed, for this night at least, to ease the pain of war. Tonight, she knew she would sleep without nightmares.
"Good night, Spock."
"Sweet dreams, Christine."
A/N: Couldn't get this out of my head until I wrote it down - never thought I'd write sci-fi! Hope you enjoyed my first ever Star Trek fanfic - drop me a line in reviews!