Zoom and Gloom

Alex had known for some time that Scorpia's executive board was a bunch of dweebs. Murderous dweebs, but still dweebs. For some unknown reason, they had asked him to run their Zoom meetings during the pandemic. Probably boredom. Or maybe the dementia had set in early because of the isolation. You never knew with adults.

"We are going live!"

Alex turned on the call and immediately regretted his existence. He blinked and tried to ignore the view of a very nude Brendan Chase.

Thankfully, Doctor Three intervened before he could work out a diplomatic response to that. "Mr. Chase, are you aware that your camera is on and that you are lacking in any attire."

Alex muted and shut off his camera to laugh his ass off. Doctor Three sounded so pissed. He would hate to be Brendan Chase right now.

"Whoops."

Chase did not sound at all sorry. Alex was pretty sure that all Australians were fucking savages.

"Kindly turn off your camera. Brendan."

Alex decided to helpfully switch it off for him. There were perks to being computer savvy. He let out a sigh as a few more of the board joined. Duval seemed like he could run a Zoom call. It was a bit debatable with some of the others. He let everyone in on autopilot.

"Levi, why are you wearing a tin foil hat?!

Alex was trying very hard not to laugh.

Kroll scowled directly into the camera. "It's to prevent the electromagnetic waves from the CIA in this computer from mind-controlling me!"

Alex bit the inside of his cheek. He put on his most earnest face and unmuted himself. "Do you think it's working?"

Kroll seemed rather stumped by the question. Alex was now being glared at by the man's colleagues. He raised a hand to talk and put it down again. "You know, nobody has ever asked before. I think-"

Doctor Three interrupted Kroll before Alex could get his comedy gold moment. That man was no fun sometimes. "Moving on from Mr. Kroll's…eccentric religious beliefs, we have a meeting agenda that we are already late on."

Alex huffed as Doctor Three brought them back to…the budget? He was honestly at least partially zoned out for this part. This shit was boring as hell. Not to mention, it pissed off Blunt when he claimed to have zoned out for these stupid things. At least he was getting paid very well.

"...so, I think that my fuel for my private jet should be funded through the client expenses account."

And there it was. The client expense account. Probably the only thing that was vaguely interesting about the budget here.

Brendan Chase did not disappoint, even if he was nude with the camera off. Alex smirked as he immediately unmuted. "NO, IT SHOULDN'T! IT'S YOUR FUCKING JET!"

Winston Yu puffed up. Alex was vaguely reminded of a cobra spreading its hood. He should have popped popcorn. "And all those expensive dinners should be?"

Chase unmuted with almost an aggressive speed. Alex turned off his camera so he could cackle in peace. This should be good. "THOSE WERE WHILE I WAS SCHMOOZING CLIENTS! DO YOU THINK I LIKE HAVING PERFECTLY GOOD STEAK DINNERS RUINED BY HORSE BREEDING AND SWINGERS?!"

Alex was laughing so hard that he was almost sobbing. A quick glance at the board members told him that they were going to let this play out. Ah, Scorpia. The petty was still alive and well.

Major Yu's reply was acidic. The tone could have cut glass. "Oh, yes, poor you. Your choice of any of the clients as bedmates and thousand-dollar-a-bottle wine."

Brendan glared through the camera. Alex was living for this drama. He would swear that the Australian man's eye twitched. "Just because you haven't been laid in twenty-five years-"

Doctor Three interrupted. Alex figured that this must be his turn at being the chairman of the board. "Gentleman, please leave casting aspersions on one another's character out of the meeting. Major Yu, the chair upholds the decision not to fund the fuel of your private jet, as we have done for every meeting since its acquisition. You may, of course, enter it as a motion for the next meeting."

Major Yu's face twitched. Alex caught a flash of something ugly before his face smoothed out again. His voice was like steel as he replied. "I certainly shall."

Alex glanced at the displays of the other board members. Kurst had a kitten filter for some reason. Well, no time like the present to bring it up. "Mr. Kurst, did you mean to put a kitten filter on your portrait?"

As expected, Kurst immediately exploded. At least he screeched less than Brendan. "NO! I'm not a fucking cat! How do I turn it off?!"

Alex smiled angelically. This was going to be fun to watch. Besides, Kurst deserved some petty revenge in return for the deaths of his family. It was the least Alex could do. "You hit the up arrow next to the stop video icon."

Kurst nearly went cross-eyed as he scanned the computer. Alex felt his ribs beginning to strain from not cackling like a loon. The real question was whether he would admit to not knowing how to do it. "Where. Is the button?"

Alex continued smiling. Maybe he could do customer service after all. It must be so hard for him to be civil to the child whose parents he murdered. "Under backgrounds and filters."

Kurst glared at him. The overall look was rather mulish in his opinion. He inhaled. "KOVALLLLLLL!"

Alex resisted a snort. It was a near thing. It practically reeked of a parent calling their kid over to help them with technology. Kurst muted the call as a slightly concerned-looking Koval appeared.

Doctor Three cut in. Alex was all but rubbing his hands together. "Might I remind everyone that these meetings are confidential?"

Kurst rose to the bait. Alex "forgot" to keep him muted. "FUCK YOU! KOVAL IS NOT THE LEAK!"

"Mr. Kurst-"

"He could be."

"CHASE, I WILL FUCKING BEHEAD YOU!"

"Get in line, Zeljan."

"Maybe we should calm down."

Please mute the imbeciles I call colleagues.

DMs were a great Zoom addition. Alex gleefully hit the mute button on all of them. This was probably his favorite job.

Doctor Three plowed on as though none of his colleagues were screeching into the void. Alex almost admired the aplomb that it took to do that. "Now, since we're out of time, we're going to skip the, ah, shoutouts and…sunshine? section. Who added that to the agenda?! Anyhow, good day. I'll send the new potential large client information by email. Be ready to discuss which contracts we're taking by the next meeting."

With that, the call timed out. Alex grinned like a loon. Well, at least the board never failed to devolve into drama. He picked up his phone. "Hey Tom, you're not going to believe what happened this time. Do you want to meet up at the takeout place?"

Fin