As he watched Christian bolt out of the door Syed felt an unfamiliar burning tang in his throat. It had pained him to say those words to him, words he knew he himself should believe but simply couldn't, but what other choice did he have? His yearning for him was growing each day and it had to stop; oh how he needed it stop. He needed to cull this fixation he had with this man and he needed to do it now.

Syed thought back to when he woke that morning and how his head, as it had done every morning lately, instantly brought into it the image of Christian. He couldn't remember if he'd dreamt of him during the night, the likelihood was that he had. Regardless, his mind had instinctively plucked the image of him from an orbit of every other object in existence and placed him at its forefront. And that's when it hit him, he was all but infatuated with him. Sitting up in his bed the pieces slowly fell in to place in Syed's mind; how, over the last few days he'd found himself actively seeking out Christian. He was offering to work additional shifts so they would be together. If Christian wasn't in the unit Syed would offer to run errands around the square in the hope he'd bump in to him. He'd begun taking short walks after work, always passing the Vic or his flat in a hope to see him step out of the door. If he wasn't in the same room as him then he just couldn't stand it. Almost all of his waking hours were spent with him and it still wasn't enough. Syed wanted more.

So deep was his desire for him that he'd began to fabricate a reciprocation of his feelings from Christian. His mind, so clouded by nothing but thoughts of him. He began to imagine stolen glances from Christian, over indulge in the naturalness of every day actions such as a brush of a hand, an accidental nudge, an innocent touch on his shoulder. Syed had convinced himself that every action from Christian meant something more than it did, every smile he gave him was part of some flirtatious game he was playing. But it wasn't, Syed knew it wasn't but it didn't stop him from aching for it to be true.

His friendship with Christian had developed quickly and Syed knew why. He was the only person he'd ever met where he felt he could be himself, the real him. He didn't have to hide anything, he chose to but he didn't feel as though he had to. If Christian ever found out who he was Syed knew he'd never judge him, never disown or abandon him. Syed had no doubt about that.

He relaxed in to himself as he remembered the joy he felt when Christian opened the door to him earlier, half naked and still wet from his shower. Syed felt the rousing in his trousers within a second and, whereas usually he would have found any excuse possible to leave this kind of situation, he never did with him. He never wanted to resist what he felt for Christian.

It had started out so innocent. They were just thoughts, never be acted on. But now the thoughts weren't enough. He needed more. He needed him.

Even if, by some small miracle, Christian wanted him too, Syed knew that nothing could ever come of it; the repercussions would be... well Syed didn't want to think of the shame his family would feel he'd brought on them. And what if Christian rejected him? What then? As much as he'd carry on he'd be heartbroken.

And that's the moment he realised he had to distance himself from him. Poor Christian was completely unaware of everything Syed was feeling for him and it was never his intention to hurt him like this. Still, those two words rung in his head, the tone of his voice as he said them accentuated the untrue disgust. "It's haram".

He'd hated himself as soon as he'd spoken them. But he had to, he had to push him away.

And now he had he found himself longing to find him, beg for his forgiveness. He couldn't take back what he'd said but he had to try and do something. He couldn't stand the thought of any kind of fence between them.

He could hear his mother and Bushra talking in the corner. Oh how he hated that judgemental woman! She always brought out the worst in his mother.

Zainab: Syed. Syed!

Zainab was by his side with a grin across her face.

Zainab: Bushra wants to book us for more events next month!

Syed: That's great mum, told you we'd pull this off didn't I?

Zainab smiled at him and hurried back to her friend, all thoughts of what had happened with Christian clearly gone from her memory.

Syed had to get out of there, he had to find him and... what? Apologise? Would Christian accept it? Would he even listen to him? Even if he did, all he needed to do was flash that incredulous smile at Syed and what then? He'd be back where he started, uncontrollable in his thoughts around him.

Syed knew it was only a matter of time before he slipped up around Christian and then he would start to question Syed's sexuality. Syed had years of practice of acting straight, thinking straight, being straight, even. But he couldn't keep it up around him. Whenever he was around Christian he couldn't keep up the lie and his masked slipped a little lower each time; so much so that it was barely there any more.

He couldn't take it any longer; the hurt he knew he'd inflicted upon him. He'd said some of the most toxic things he could say to him and he could see the upset in Christian's face as soon as he said them. His regret was too much, he had to go and find him, to try and make this right somehow.

Syed: Mum? I'm just popping back to the house for a minute, I won't be long.

Zainab was so engrossed in her conversation with Bushra he knew she wouldn't object. As he walked out of the door and made his way back to the square he tried to place himself in Christian's shoes. Where would he go?

He made his way across the square, his eyes scanning every building wondering if that's where Christian would be. Opening the door to the Vic he slowly ran his eyes around the room but there was no sign of him. He walked up to the bar and casually glanced down the thin passage way that led to the cellar.

Roxy: Uh... can I help you?

She appeared from nowhere and caught him snooping.

Syed: Sorry, I was looking for Christian. Haven't seen him have you?

Roxy: Christian? He's meant to be working with you isn't he?

Syed: Yeah, he's gone AWOL, just as we started clearing up.

Syed put a smile on his face, trying to keep the conversation as casual as he could

Roxy: Yeah, sounds about right. Well I haven't seen him today but, if I do, I'll tell him you're on the warpath.

She smiled as she walked away, Syed returned a grin as he walked out of the door and back in to the square.

Without thinking he walked over to his flat, rang his door bell and waited silently. Ringing it again and again he finally admitted defeat; there was no answer, he wasn't there. Syed spun around to face the square again, knowing there was only one place left he could possibly be. He walked away from the flat door, taking bigger strides than his usual pace, trying to mask his hurriedness to find him, to see him.

As soon as the door to the unit closed behind him Syed knew he was there. He didn't know how but he could feel his presence. He'd found him. Taking a deep breath, almost in preparation, Syed inhaled a faint blast of Christian's aftershave and it knocked his senses. God his scent was almost unbearable sometimes. He steadied himself for a moment, drew in his breath again and started to walk in to the kitchen.