Regina pov
I immediately stand from Emmas arms and walk to my drawer of self harm tools. I choose carefully one that wont go too deep without some force behind it. I turn back towards Emma and she looks devastated, but she stands, puts on her robe, and walks with me to the bathroom. I know this is hurting her. And i feel so ashamed and angry at myself that im hurting her. She looks shocked as i press the blade to the skin just below my wrist. She knows i havent cut my arms since Henry was a baby. "Regina wait. Please. I just need to do one thing." I pause and she come to sit in front of me on the floor. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me in for a gentle hug. "Please remember that i love you Regina. Please dont go too far." She pulls back but stays right where she is.
She looks on with intense concentration as i press the blade down and sigh as the first trickles of blood run down my skin. I had forgotten how much better it works on my arms. I feel some of the emptiness ebb away and I continue below that one with 4 more lines just as deep as the first. I can feel the stress and anxiety of the dream leave my body. Its like taking a deep breath for the first time after being held under water for so long. The blood is dripping off the end of my fingers by the time im done and Emma immediately takes the blade once ive finished and put it away. She comes back and cleans my cuts and bandages them with a straight face, no emotion slipping through her mask. When shes done she pulls me up by my good hand and we walk back to our bed.
She doesnt say anything for a while. "Emma? Im sorry. Im sorry i made you watch that. I just needed to feel something else. Im sorry I've disappointed you." At that her head snaps in my direction. "You did not disappoint me. Am i sad and heartbroken that you had to do that? Abso-fucking-lutely i am. But I understand that you needed something that i couldn't give you. It was a bad night. They happen. I know to expect them. Dr. Hopper and i have discussed this exact situation. It was his plan of action. It killed me to watch you hurt yourself, but if i hadn't have been there i would have hated myself for it. So no. No disappointment. But i pray to anyone who is listening, that i never have to see that empty look in your eyes again. Because i knew id lose you if i didnt let you cut. And thats not something im willing to risk."
I turn on my side and pull her into me. "Im still sorry Emma. I hate that you are right about it though. I hate that i hate myself so much i wish i was dead after those dreams. I wish i had been brave and fought him before he ever did those things the first time. I wish i had been brave enough to fight my mother off when she hurt me. But im not, and i wasnt. But next time i will be. Ill be stronger. I made it 4 months this time, if i can make it past that for next time ill be proud of myself. Ive got you and Henry, even though hes unaware of my issues. You are my support system. You two and even your parents and Ruby and Belle, Tink too. Im going to give myself a chance. I never want to do what i did to you tonight ever again. You deserve better than to have the person you love destroy themselves in front of you. It was cruel and unfair of me to do that. I love you Emma and im so sorry." She wraps her arms around me and rubs up and down my uninjured arm. "I love you Regina. Forever and always. Get some rest baby. We can talk about things more tomorrow if you want to." I nod and softly kiss her lips. "Goodnight my Dear." She responds with, "Goodnight my love."
The next time we wake its mid morning. We both have the day off and its the perfect day to start planning our wedding. "Good morning beautiful. How do you feel this morning?" My blonde haired fiancé asks. "Im doing better. And good morning to you too my darling." We share a quick kiss and both roll out of bed. I get dressed quickly and run downstairs to make us some eggs and bacon with buttered toast. Emma comes down at the perfect time as im plating up the food for the two of us. Henry has been staying with his friends alot lately. Its almost summer and school is basically over as all finals have been taken. Its just getting ready for ceremonies for the graduations of the littles and the seniors. My baby boy is graduating and it makes me so happy but so sad at the same time. Hes all grown up. I get him for 1 more year before he goes off to live his life. It went too fast.
"Emma, i have some ideas for when we should have the wedding. Do you have anything specific in mind before i say?" I ask between bites of my breakfast. Emma shakes her head. "No i dont have anything timeline wise in mind. I do however, have some ideas for a venue. Whenever we decide to do it, id like the ceremony to be by the lake on the edge of the forest. Its just so beautiful there all year around. And the reception can be in town hall. Its the only indoors place that can accommodate all those people who will come." I nod. "I agree to those terms. The lake sounds lovely and kind of perfect for the time of year im thinking. What about October 1st? Its almost 5 months away. Gives us time to plan and get things sorted. And time to work on certain things so that we can properly enjoy our wedding night. Plus it will let my hair grow out to a longer length. I regret cutting it so short. If id know you were going to propose, i wouldnt have cut it." I laugh to let her know that last part wasnt 'that' serious.
She laughs with me and takes my hand across the table. "In 5 months, you will be my wife and we can start the rest of our lives together. I cant wait to be Mrs. Mills. What if we made our own bouquets. I make yours and you make mine and we dont show each other until the day of. Of course once we pick a color scheme, obviously." I smile and nod while my thumb strokes over the back of her hand. "That sounds like a beautiful idea. But just one thing, i want to take your name too. What if we hyphenated our names. So we would be the Swan-Mills family? We can even ask Henry if he wants to change his last name to match ours. We could get invitations made that have the same swan with a crown on them as our engagement cake. How do you feel about the colors red, white, and gold?" Emma jumps with a little excitement. "Oh my gosh Regina that's brilliant! I would love it if Henry had both of our names. The invitations would be so adorable. And i love those colors actually. They were the same colors i was thinking. Very classy and elegant, like my beautiful fiancé." I blush at her words. She talks about me like im something precious. It makes my heart beat a little faster.
She doesnt know about my heart changing yet. "There's something i want to show you Emma. Something i think you might be as shocked about as i was." She looks at me with concern as i plunge my hand into my chest and rip out my heart. "Oh my, Regina! Your heart is almost entirely red. There's literally one tiny speck of black. How did that happen?" I push my heart back inside my chest. "You. You happened. Finding true love and letting myself open up to you has changed me. You helping me to try and heal from my past has made me a better person. You have so much love in your heart that mine had no choice but to fill with love too."
Emma has happy tears in her eyes. She squeezes my hand lightly. "Im so happy that i can be that person for you Regina. You deserve to be loved so much that you cant contain it all. I love you more than i ever thought it was possible to love anyone other than a child. Im so fucking proud of you. You have improved so much with your mental health in the last few months and the amount of work you have put in is amazing to watch." I look down when she says how proud she is of me. "I dont deserve you being proud of me Emma. Im still weak. Last night showed that. It proved that i havent really changed from the broken girl who got beat by her mother, and raped by the king. But i have learned that love isnt weakness. Mother was wrong. Love is my only strength. When i feel things i feel them in my soul. Pain hurts more but love feels so much better. Its a trade off. I feel it all so deeply that the bad is horrible but the good is so amazing." Emma bring the hand shes holding to her lips and kisses my knuckles. "While im glad that you learned those things about yourself, there is absolutely reason to be proud of you. Last night you made a choice to stay with me. You didnt end your life, you chose love and hope. Yes, you cut again. But they werent as bad as they could have been. You were careful and you only did five instead of a dozen or more. I hate that you are hurting because of all that right now. And dont try to deny that they hurt, because i saw your face scrunch in pain when you cut before it relaxed."
I look down from her eyes and stare at my lap. "Do we have to tell Dr. Hopper? Because, i am so ashamed of myself for slipping after so long. 4 months was the longest ive gone without it in 30 years." My voice was soft and filled with doubt. "Yes baby, we have to tell him. But we can also tell him that you showed great control over it this time. And that we are working on finding another strategy. I have a couple ideas for that. What if we went to that couples pottery class Mrs. Potts is holding? Maybe putting that energy into making something will help." I meet her eyes again and can see the hope in them. "That is something im willing to try. Plus we can do it together and i love spending as much time as i can with my lovely fiancé." Emma grins at me and stands to kiss my lips from across the table, before she sits again. "I love spending time with you too beautiful. Maybe if it works we can turn the shed we dont use into a pottery room. Maybe once our pottery gets done in the kiln we can also try painting them and see if that helps too. If we can find anything that helps im willing to do whatever it takes. I just want to see you love yourself as much as i love you one day."
"But enough of the mushy right now. Weve got a wedding to plan and only 5 months to plan it." Emma says. I smile and let go of her hand. I grab a notebook from the living room and come back and write down all that we've already planned. "What about instead of a white runner down the isle, what if we had a gold one? It would fit in our colors and it befits our royal status and makes a statement at the same time. I know we arent in the enchanted forest anymore but people in this town still think that way." Emma nods and then adds an idea. "What about red chair ribbons and white lilies on the aisle seats? It would incorporate all of our colors and we could have an arch decorated in white red and golden flowers. Maybe dahlias. Or mums." I write down the idea and smile up at her. "Ok so decorations at the ceremony are sorted. I want Belle, Tink, and Ariel to be my bridesmaids. Obviously Belle is my maid of Honor. Who is going to be yours?" Emma purses her lips as she thinks. "Well of course Ruby is my maid of Honor. Ella can be one of mine. And maybe Violet would be one. I think Henry should walk you down the aisle. Its what your father would have wanted. And my dad can walk me down. If you dont mind though, id like to walk first so i can watch you walk in."
I look down at the mention of my father and feel a warm hand rub down my right forearm. I clear my throat of the emotion stuck there. "Uh yea. Yea that would be ok with me. You walk in first so i can walk in and see my forever waiting for me at the alter. And im sure Henry would be very grateful for you including Violet into the wedding party. So are we thinking a buffet or a pre prepped meal at the reception?" Emma sighs. "Maybe we can do a buffet style but one trip per person. A vegan dish as well as normal dishes. Because we know that there will be someone who complains if we dont offer vegan. Maybe we could do a creamy chicken alfredo option, and for the vegan dish maybe an eggplant lasagna with vegan cheese. Salad of course should be on there and a charcuterie board. And maybe an apple cider fountain. I think we should do your apple cider minus the alcohol. A dry wedding because i want to be 100% present for every last moment of my wedding with you. Im only going to get 1 in my whole life. I dont want to forget it." I nod.
"I agree on the no alcohol. Heaven forbid someone gets drunk and tries to make a scene. I dont want to have to go all evil queen on my wedding day. This is the only wedding day i will ever want. Ok, so as i have it down. We will get married October 1st at the lake. With a gold aisle runner and red chair ribbons with white lilies. Flowers preferably mums or Dahlias in our colors red, white, and gold. Reception at town hall following the ceremony. I dont want to see you before i walk down the aisle towards you so we should have an hour break between the ceremony and the reception for pictures. Maids of honor are Ruby and Belle. With bridesmaids being Tink, Ariel, Jazmine and Ella. Dr. Hopper will officiate and Henry and your father will walk us down the aisle. I think the maids of honor should wear the darkest color. So red and then gold for the other 4 and white for us. Chicken alfredo main dish and eggplant lasagna for vegans. Salad and a charcuterie board. Perhaps some seasonal fruit as well. Am i missing anything?" I pause to let Emma think before i realize.
"Oh the vows and the rings. Are we surprising each other with how the rings look or are we matching? And i dont know about you, but i would like to write my vows to you. They have been writing themselves in my head since you proposed." Emma smirked. "Im going to write my vows of course. And i think that us creating the bouquets for each other is surprise enough. Lets do matching rings. Simple and elegant. A mix of the both of us. We can go shopping for the rings this week sometime. If we cant find anything we will design them ourselves." I nod in agreement. "Oh Emma, i cant wait to be your wife. Ive never been so excited for something in my life. I look forward to putting that ring on your finger and claiming you as mine forever. Speaking of you being mine. In all of the craziness i forgot to give your your anniversary gift. It comes in 2 parts." Emma stands when i stand. "Stay here love. Ill be right back." I kiss her on the cheek and swoon inside when she leans into it. This woman loves me so much. I run to my office desk to get her gifts. And run back as quickly as i can.
When i get back i hand Emma the wrapped box while i open the unwrapped box. "This part goes first. So this is a very special charm necklace. Ive enchanted the entire thing so it will never break, because i want this to be something that i add to over time. This first charm is a heart that is engraved with a message from me on the back that is only visible to our eyes. Now you can open that part while i read you the engraving." Emma carefully begins to unwrap the box. "My forever love, you have held my heart since i realized that i couldnt live without you in my life. Now you hold a representation of that love with you wherever you go. I love you my Emma. In every realm or time or world, you are mine and i am yours. -Regina" Emma has tears in her eyes as she opens the mirror shaped locket that was in the wrapped box. Inside is a picture of me and her in a laughing embrace looking at each other with adoration. And on the other side is a picture of the 2 of us with our son both kissing his cheeks. "Regina, this is so beautiful. And that inscription was so beautiful and sweet. Thank you so much. I love them. Will you put it on me please?" I nod and signal for her to turn around and lift her hair. Goosebumps erupt on her skin when my fingers gently brush against the back of her beautiful long neck. I snap the necklace in place before putting the locket charm on it. I take my opportunity and kiss the back of her neck softly and move to just below her ear. I whisper as i kiss her there.
"You have no idea how much i love you. Noone has ever loved anyone as much as i love you." I wrap my arms around her from behind and she leans back into my embrace. "You would be right except for one thing. I love you just as much as you love me." She spins in my arms and locks her lips with mine in a heated kiss. The kiss breaks when one of us moan. Im not even sure who it was. I feel Emma snake her hands around my stomach to rest on the small of my back. "I think i want to start trying to work on us in the bedroom. I want to be ready by the time we get married. I want to have a proper night with you on our wedding night. I want to touch you the way you crave being touched and i want you to be able to touch me without me panicking or freezing." Emma kisses my lips gently. "Then we will actively work on it. We will go slow but get closer to it every day. I promise we will get there baby."