Chapter 11

"You are NOT going to the Shire."

I ignore Thorin and continue to check things off my mental list. It would be a shame to forget something. 'Preparation is the key to avoiding disaster.' I'm excited for the trip on more than a single level. While it is true that I wish to see Bilbo and get away from the hubbub of dwarven politics, I also feel a push away from the mountain as well as a pull towards the shire in general. It reminds me of how I felt when I first met LongArm. I wonder if it's related somehow and think that the only way to know for sure is to go. The push is more than likely due to the past week being filled with dwarves, mostly those who seem to hate my guts or love me to bits, peaking around the corners at me. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I can't relax in the least. Ever since I 'requested' Mahal to deliver Smaug's corpse everyone has become my best friend. In trying to make myself seem less interesting, I've made myself the most interesting person around. My anxiety is through the roof.

"Yes, I am." I wanted to avoid telling Thorin my ultimate 'vacation' decision until it was time to go but that's a bit cruel, even for me. Plus, I need to buy supplies for the trip and I'm flat broke. Hence why I have brought it to him now. Three weeks should be enough for him to come around. Thoria rides on his leg in delight as he thumps around the stone garden following me. We've come out to the little area just for a little family outing. It's a lovely place where just enough sun filters in that greenery crops up. It has hidden dead-end alcoves that the kids love to play in and broad walkways that patrolling guards peer out from. It is off-limits to the general populace; peaceful and quiet. Except for the thumping of the dwarf behind me. It's hard to look stern with a toddler on your boot "I'm already packing and everything. Sure, I still have to hit the shops but-"

"Thia."

"Thorin."

"THORY!" Thoria shouts for good measure, not wanting to be left out "And Theo too!"

"If this has anything to do with the Ceremony-"

"It doesn't."

"Or the dragon-"

"No, not that either."

"Or LongArm..." I don't deny that one, instead walking across the garden just to watch him awkwardly stomp after me "... Then let us discuss it."

"… There is nothing to discuss." I deny once more, shrugging my shoulders and avoiding his eyes "I just want to see Bilbo. Just think of it as… strengthening Erebor's relationship with the rest of society. Allies are important. Strong you may be but this is still only one lonely mountain"

"Is that so?"

"Uh huh."

"... " He knows I'm lying but not why. Probably because I'm not sure why I'm lying. I feel so wishy-washy and downright unclear about my feelings on this subject. I just know I have to go "Can it not wait? You have only just arrived."

"I've been here for two weeks already."

"You were gone for 60 years!"

"That... that is true... b-but his birthday is coming up." I all but cling to the fact, giving the King my best puppy dog eyes because let's be honest. Even in my own mind, I'm totally in the wrong here "He's going to have a huge party and Gandalf! Gandalf will be there lighting fireworks and everything. Totally safe. I can't miss it!"

"The wizard has courted trouble for as long as he has been alive."

"..."

"If you have already seen this," he asks, pulling the young girl up into his arms to snuggle her cheeks. Awwwww- No! Focus, Thia! Come on "why must you go now?"

"It's not the same And just because I know what happens, doesn't mean I shouldn't show up for the other participants." I place my hands on my hips, with a grin "And don't you remember? On his last birthday, the one I was here for, I was getting forced into a marriage."

"Do not remind me of the happenings between you and elf prince," he complains moodily, passing a wiggling Thoria to Kiliel before shooing them off to play. Although the area is large, the children can not leave it without the guards noticing. They also know how to get back to the rooms from here. Thorin has been trying to convince me to give them a little more freedom "I remember him sneaking into your bed."

"A misguided attempt, which ended with you nearly beating him to death." I pull Theodore out from behind a statue, quietly instructing him to follow his sister and cousin. It's like a game for the kids. We come here, leave them, and watch them from afar making their way back to the rooms. They feel independent and I don't lose my mind. It's as free as I was willing to be with 3-year-olds "Legolas isn't so bad."

"Hn." his arms loop around my waist as I open the secret door that'll lead to our hidden lookout spot. Lifting me over the threshold, he closes the door behind us, burying his face in my neck. Leaning my head back to rest it on his shoulder as he brings us up to the final landing, I reach up and run my fingers through his hair "As I recall, it ended on a much more pleasant note."

"I'll admit that." I haven't had the time to indulge in the joys of my husband's flesh today but I really... really... REALLY wish I could. Nuzzling his temple, I step away from his embrace and open the next door "I've still got to go though."

"How can I grant you leave after I have been told that LongArm has been spying on you? None have been able to find him. Have you seen him?" I shake my head quickly as we make a smooth transition back into the argument at hand. I haven't seen the dwarf but I have felt him, not that I can tell Thorin. He'd only try harder to keep me here "You do not tell me your plans and refuse the guards I assign to you."

"NOT true."

"You will not let them within 30 feet of you."

"It makes me nervous to have someone standing in my shadow all the time. The maids and Laiko are plenty."

"They are dams."

"Yeah. And considering I've never had maids, I'd say that's enough without adding guards to the mix. It's a lot of people..." Looking out the long thin windows, I watch the children continue to play. They usually spend an hour or so exploring before heading back. Thorin usually can't stay but something tells me he isn't going anywhere this time "They'd only slow me down during the trip."

"More so than two children will?"

"... Three."

"Three?" he furrows his brows but I only shrug "You wish to take that child with you as well?"

"I can't leave Kiliel." I say his name with purpose, just like I do for anyone who pretends like he doesn't have one "Kiliel is as good as mine now."

"Hn." he hums slowly, choosing not to fight me on it. I don't think Thorin dislikes the child, I think he just doesn't see him. Worthy or Unworthy. It's like he's invisible "You expect me to allow you-"

"I am not a child that needs your permission to do as I please-"

"No, but you ARE my wife and my Queen, and you do not have my blessing on this matter."

We've been having this argument for a while now. Since we met, actually. Thorin... Well. I am his wife. His to have and hold, keep and protect. His blessing... and his burden. I haven't figured out how NOT to challenge him while also keeping my independence. I know there has to be a way and I don't want to keep butting heads with him like this. Neither can I back down... not yet.

"Thorin, I would... WE would BOTH feel better if I didn't just up and disappear."

"Able you may be, but your heart would not allow you to take our children from me." he's right, of course. As much as I want to go, need to go, I'd never be able to tear our family apart just for my wanderlust. I unfortunately need him to agree to this for my own peace of mind and he knows it. Dragging a hand down his face, the monarch shakes his head "You cannot believe that I will have no quarrels with you trapezing across the lands, lacking any protection with our heirs."

"You did it first." I remind as he presses his lips into a thin line "I'm just following your example."

"This and that are completely different."

"Debatable."

"Not a debate I will have with you."

"Thor-"

"However, I can see this means a lot to you, so I will agree to this excursion..." I take a breath to give a little whoop whoop but he holds up his hand "On two conditions."

"... Conditions being?"

"…" I know he is worried and reluctant but I have to go. I just have to. He comes forward to encircle my waist again, pressing my head into his chest. It's slightly awkward, being that we are roughly the same height, but I always enjoy it "Firstly, you will take a guardian."

"Thorin, you know I can't move as fast if-" he pushes my face deeper into his clothed torso to cut off my protest "Mmmmph!"

"If you must go, then grant me this security. Please." It's the 'please' that gets me. It's like a soft entreaty, proving that he is concerned for my safety but also wants me to accept freely. How can I deny him now? I nod, as much as I am able, in acceptance "Thank you, my love."

"Yeah yeah. I get to pick my babysitter-"

"-from a select few I will provide."

"Ugh!" I suck my teeth and pout playfully as he us with a chuckle "You never let me do anything fun, you know that?"

"Your definition of fun is usually alarmingly dangerous."

"... What's the second condition?"

"... You must allow me to begin Theodore's training." my shoulders must immediately bristle, as his other hand begins to stroke my back "When I set out to reclaim Erebor, my heir was trained. If you wish to take our children into the wilds, you must first allow me to give him the groundwork for the same opportunity."

"Thorin... he's three."

"A dwarf carries at least one weapon from the moment he can walk. It is our way."

Slowly, I step out of his embrace and turn my gaze down to my children. It's wrong for me to be so against this but I am. I even had them go on trips to Medival Times and Hero Day Camp at our local library so they could see and feel a real sword. I've prepared for this because the logical part of me knows that this is their life now. That it's actually normal and expected. Another part, the larger part doesn't want them to be ready... Doesn't want them to HAVE to be ready. I don't know what it is but one day, they will have to fight something... something... something evil and I just keep thinking that if I can keep them safe... innocent... little babies, if I could protect them forever then they'll never have to suffer. Ignorance is bliss, after all. I huff out a laugh at my stupidity and fear. If I shelter them, they'll just suffer later.

"Fine." I say and I hear him let out a breath I'd not known he'd been holding "But you have to give Kiliel and Thoria lessons too."

"Thia, that's not-"

"All or nothing, Thorin."

"... Alright. There are some lessons that only Theo may be a part of... and some that only the twins may partake in but for the rest, I will include all the children."

"... I need to leave the first week of Halimath. I don't know how much training you can put into three weeks but do your best."

Watching the children disappear below, I turn and brush passed my husband to go after them. My eyes burn with tears but I don't want him to see me cry. Not after just agreeing, but I feel like I'm losing my babies. Like I'm setting them up to be knocked down. Sniffing, I bow my head to hide my face. A hand grips my wrist and I try to shake him loose but he holds fast. The King comes around and takes my chin in his hand, tilting my face up despite my grunt of displeasure.

"Do not hide your pain from me, Thia."

He folds me into his arms, swaying, not listening to me at all. I Let him press his lips against my tear-stained cheeks and I start to hiccup as more fall. My chest hurts so badly. Turning my face towards the window, I press my hands on his chest as he unlatches my top button to view the shining mark beneath it. 'Ah, yeah. THAT.' I'd almost forgotten about that gift but I feel it now. It burns brightly, showing my despair openly. I snatch the cloth closed only to gasp at the pain. It hurts too much to cover again and all I can do is weep into the dwarf's chest.

"I am sorry, my love." he soothes, placing a kiss on the crown of my head. Little by little I quiet, until when he kisses my tears away, more do not come. His lips meet my temple and I blink rapidly before hissing in annoyance. It's happening again. That... that... pleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach "Thia?"

"St-stop. The children will see."

"They won't." Pushing my braids behind my ear, he nips at the shell. Again, that feeling. I remember it happening a few times during the quest too. Whenever I start feeling overwhelmed around Thorin it always turns into... something else "They have already gone inside."

"Th-Thorin, don't you feel that?"

"That?"

"Whenever we argue... it's like..." It's like a solar flare behind my eyes; so beautifully terrifying that you can't look away. It's blinding but I try to climb up and figure it out "The guards-"

"Cannot hear us."

"Thorin-"

"I am right here." Crushing me to his chest, he rocks gently "I'm right here. Fear not, I will not leave you in da pasamgol eron Krav."

"Wait. I- wait a second!" I refuse to let myself respond to his touch. It's not easy, much harder than usual. Almost painful to pull away "What is... whats da pasta... WHAT IS THAT."

"It is... complicated."

"Uncomplicate it for me." I step out of his embrace and fold my arms over my chest. I don't care that he is warm and inviting or that I think I might freeze if he doesn't hold me again. Its not normal and I need answers "What's going on?"

"... Alright, Atamanel. I will do my best but please, come." he holds out his hand and I take it immediately without a thought. I curse myself as he sits on the bench beneath the window with me cradled in his lap. It both calms and angers me. I don't want to be calmed by his embrace and yet here I am, content as a kitten "You are a daughter of men but you are my One, something Men usually do not have."

"Ok..."

"I am your One."

"... Thorin, I can't have a One."

"And yet, here I am. The difference is that you CHOSE for me to be your One." It... kind of makes sense. He can't be one with me if I'm not one with him... I wait, open to the idea that I don't know absolutely everything about everything "Our bond is one of the soul and I could not be bound to you if you too were not bound to me."

"You've got me so far... Go on."

"One. Our souls...They now share a plane of existence and we can even meet there in our dreams. We HAVE met there in our dreams."

"But we're awake right now. So where does the pasta come in?"

"Da pasamgol eron Krav. The passion of anger. The plane shared as One is of a dwarvish make and is new to you... to your soul."

"Because I'm huma- a daughter of men and I made the choice to... be One with you?" he nods and his hair falls over my shoulder. The smell is intoxicating but I don't care. Not even a little. His scent doesn't stroke my desire, bring a giddy smile to my face, or rattle my last brain cell. Nope. I rub my eyes, trying to pay attention. This is the first I'm ever hearing of this and it seems kind of important "Souls bound to planes. Choices. Races matter. That means..."

"We are One by choice and creed. Our ability to leave this plane, however, has long since passed. Once accepted, neither soul can leave this bond. I know this, as does my soul."

"At some point, I accepted this as well?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"You walked a fine line for most of the quest but I believe you stepped over the night in Laketown when we-"

"Ah, yes. Yes." I clear my throat, not sure why I'm embarrassed but I am "I remember. So the dream that night was..."

"Your first awakened visit. Your soul accepted this bond but your soul is also young and can be... forgetful."

"Excuse me?"

"When you become upset... specifically with me your soul, knowing not that it cannot lose me, becomes... unsteady... Insecure."

"... My soul is INSECURE?"

"I cannot find a better word, Thia. There is no exact translation into common. I admit, not much is known of this. While marriages between Dwarves and Men are not unusual, our One usually falls within our people. I have only read of pairings like ours."

"OK but... you have to admit an unsteady and insecure soul is a bit... not great."

"Which is why during times of risen emotions the pair can experience..."

"...CAN EXPERIENCE?" I wave my hand in a 'continue' motion, not all too happy "I need you to speak faster, sweetness. Apparently, my soul can't take your pauses."

"... The pair can experience an intense connective need in an effort to reengage and equalize the relationship."

"... What?"

"Arousal."

"..."

"..."

"So you mean to tell me that when I get really upset with you..."

"Mhm..."

"My SOUL...um..."

"Tries to enamor-"

"Gets horny."

"..."

"A feeling or arousing sexual excitement."

"Ah, the soul is not that which is aroused. Only the cause-"

"Faster. My soul is wavering."

"... Yes."

"So my soul gets horny and tries to, what did you say..."

"Enamor-"

"Right, ENAMOR you and I back together through... what? Angry sex?" he huffs out a laugh but bobs his head in a 'close enough' way. It's insane. Literally crazy but makes so much sense. The proof is in the pudding. I'm furious right now but I've been stroking the bastard's no-no zone through his pants for the last 2 minutes. I'd slap my own hand if I could peel it away "Well, what about your soul in all this?"

"... The dwarven soul reacts in kind to bring their One, and plane, back to stability."

"So it's just going along for the ride."

"You could say that."

"But... wait..." I'm sweating bullets trying to stay coherent. I don't know how he does it but it's getting on my last nerve which isn't helping me in the slightest "I'll never be able to be angry with you?"

"Of course, you will. In a way, you're angry with me right now."

"Very."

"In time, your soul will stabilize within our shared plane. The da pasamgol eron Krav will pass. All will be well. Until then..." he leans up and kisses my cheeks. And my nose. And my mouth. I refuse to let any of this happen yet by the time he pulls away, I'm breathless so I suppose it's happened anyway. "I am more than willing to assist."

The passion of anger-da pasamgol eron Krav

I have no words to explain what or why I came up with this, but I did, and now it's here for you to suffer through.