Kathryn was silent for a long moment, gathering her strength to speak again and answer Gretchen's question.
But the younger woman spoke again, very quietly, "Sometimes I think Hell would be less painful than outliving my crew."
Kathryn's heart ached.
"If I could bring them back by damning myself I would," continued Gretchen, eyes hazy, turning to her.
"You can't Gretchen," said Kathryn, very softly, holding her gaze, "It doesn't work like that."
Gretchen blinked, for a long moment, and shook her head violently. Then she stretched her neck and shifted her posture, seeming to change her mindset.
"Did you tell daddy to ignore me?" said Gretchen suddenly, in a pointed tone, standing up.
"What?" said Kathryn, blinking at the sudden change and the accusation.
"Of course not," Kathryn continued, to Gretchen's raised eyebrow.
"I thought maybe well…..you did say you would talk with him, maybe he decided he was angry at me for telling you off but…really after nine months," Gretchen's voice drifted off, and she looked away, fidgeting with her hands.
"Oh, Gretchen," said Kathryn in dismay, realizing her daughter had fallen through the cracks.
Not for the first time.
"He's not awake yet," said Kathryn gently.
"What?" said Gretchen, looking at her, "It's been hours."
"I know," said Kathryn, "The Doctor said it's nothing to worry about," she added reassuringly.
Gretchen frowned and fidgeted again.
"We can visit him if you like," said Kathryn, reaching out her hand to Gretchen's arm without thinking.
"Alright," said Gretchen. Kathryn clenched her arm briefly, and then they walked towards the door.
As they entered Sickbay and approached the back, Gretchen shrank back suddenly. Kathryn blinked, not understanding it. Chakotay's pod was open and he was lying in it peacefully.
"Ah, Captain, Gretchen," said the Doctor, nodding in greeting, "There's no change, I would've notified you as soon as he woke up Captain."
"We know Doctor," said the Captain, "But we wanted to see him."
"Well," said the Doctor, "There's no reason you can't stay as long as you like…Sickbay's almost lonely now, I've just lost over 70 patients."
"Would it be safe to leave us alone a little while Doctor?" asked Kathryn, "Maybe you'd like to visit the Mess Hall and see the crew on their feet."
"It should be very safe Captain," said the Doctor nodding, "You have my non-sentient assistants if there's any change, and I can return within seconds."
The Captain nodded to him, and the Doctor took his leave.
Kathryn and Gretchen approached Chakotay. Kathryn was not certain she had done the right thing, as she looked at Gretchen she saw the woman was lightly shaking. She was staring at Chakotay's face with a look of near panic.
"I hope he hasn't lost his mind again," said Gretchen suddenly, gulping repeatedly, "Like the Rift illness caused in my timeline."
Kathryn put one arm around her daughter, half-hugging her. When Gretchen did not protest she rubbed her arm up and down, "I'm sure he's fine," said Kathryn, in her most reassuring voice, "This is a completely different situation. It's just taking him a little longer to wear off the stasis."
"He tried to kill me you know," said Gretchen, eyes panicked, clutching at her throat suddenly, "He hated me so badly."
Kathryn reached her hand up and stroked her hair repeatedly, "That's not going to happen Gretchen," she said forcefully, grabbing her chin, "We're not in the Rift anymore."
"It was in his blood. His DNA. He's doomed to it, that madness."
"We're not doomed to anything Gretchen," said Kathryn, very firmly, holding Gretchen's hazy gaze.
The young woman seemed to try to control herself, breathing in and out as Kathryn rubbed one arm.
Finally Gretchen quieted. They stared at Chakotay's form for long moments, both of them silent as Gretchen wiped tears off of her face.
I wish I could think of something to say.
As they continued to stare, Kathryn poignant and Gretchen mournful, the figure in the pod began to stir.
"Chakotay," breathed Kathryn with awe in her quiet voice.
The man in the medical pod began to rise. She would have hugged him immediately as she had Tuvok, but she did not want to monopolize his initial attention with Gretchen there.
In hindsight Kathryn was shocked with how quickly she moved. She saw something, some difference in his movements, some flash in his eyes. She knew, before she could even process, and suddenly she was grabbing Gretchen away, pulling her with an enormous amount of force.
The man lunged a beat before, and howled, screeching terribly as they eluded his grasp.
"Computer, containment field," said Kathryn forcefully, throat clenching in terror. She stared at her First Officer, who was lunging towards them again, screeching and punching the invisible barrier with utter rage.
"I told you," said Gretchen, in her arms, wide eyed. Her voice was a mix of resignation and terror, "I told you. He's doomed. The madness is in his blood."
"Gretchen….," breathed Kathryn, unable to fully comprehend what had happened.
She stared at Chakotay, seeing no signs of the man she had depended on, had loved, all these years.
She saw no emotion in his eyes but fury and hatred. But as she continued to look into his brown eyes in horror, she realized they were glazed slightly red…..a red that was too purple to be human.
Kathryn gasped and turned instinctively to look at the dias in the morgue, at the clear container that had been filled with alien blood.
"Shimai," Kathryn whispered in disbelief.
Two of the Doctor's holographic assistants were hovering around Kathryn, waiting for instructions. Kathryn hit her combadge and ordered the Doctor to return.
"What is it?" said the Doctor, somewhat testily, but he stopped in mid-complaint as he saw his last patient, glaring murderously from his invisible cage.
"What in the galaxy happened?"
"I think," said the Captain, tightening her grip on Gretchen as the younger woman began to keen and cry, "I think Shimai took him over somehow."
"Shimai's dead," said the Doctor flatly, "With nothing but a pile of blood left. You're telling me she did anything?"
"That pile of blood is missing," said Kathryn aggressively, gesturing with her head, "We know next to nothing about the K'Terrans, and now they're gone. We can't ask them, but you scan for it. Do it, now."
"Yes, Captain," said the Doctor, suddenly cowed. He lifted up his scanner, frowning and pressing buttons on a nearby console. It went on for several minutes as Gretchen bit her lip and shook violently.
I could send her away from this, but I can't leave, and then there'd be no one watching her. And I know she would hate to be sedated…..yet again.
In the end Kathryn continued standing in Captain mode, one arm around Gretchen, rubbing her shoulder up and down. It was not the first time she had comforted someone as Captain, and it would not be the last.
"I…..I think you're right Captain," said the Doctor finally, "I'm reading K'Terran DNA all throughout his body. I think her blood….entered him somehow. It must be mildly sentient…well, it's obviously not working like she hoped, he's not functioning fully, and we caught her right away. She can't use him to live on this ship."
"No," said Gretchen suddenly, in a strange voice, still shaking, "No, she wasn't hoping to live in him. Her family's gone now, they left her behind. Her existence is nothing but torment. She wants to be nothing. She was hoping we would take care of that for her."
"Well," said the Doctor, grimacing, "Whatever the intention, to release Commander Chakotay, we're going to have to exterminate all of the alien blood."
"Do it," ordered Kathryn darkly, clutching the panicked woman closer.