Kathryn took in the rest of the dimly lit room, but the Vulcan was nowhere to be seen.
As the young woman hunched over the table glanced at her, the reason came to Kathryn, "I can't believe I forgot, Tuvok's working the night shift."
"Everyone's shifts are screwed up right now," answered Gretchen in a casual tone Kathryn did not believe for a moment.
Gretchen's eyes were red and teary, and she quickly looked back at the table before the older woman could evaluate her further.
Gretchen's back was arched now, muscles rigid, and she was still leaning awkwardly over the table.
Should I go? Kathryn asked herself, uncharacteristically uncertain, lingering in the doorway.
After everything Gretchen's been through, the visions, the head injury, the despair, Kathryn answered herself, I don't feel good about leaving her alone until I know she's alright.
"Are you meditating?" asked Kathryn as neutrally as she could manage.
"No," said Gretchen, staring forward still, "But I won't get in the way if you want to. It's that time. I assume that's what you're here for."
Kathryn blinked, surprised at the answer, it was both more frank and more opaque than she had expected.
She moved forward, and sat down, facing Gretchen at the low table. The young woman turned her head away, partially hiding her face, but made no motion to get up.
Everything was quiet, and after a brief stare which revealed nothing new, Kathryn closed her eyes silently, and attempted to enter the meditative state.
She was not surprised when she couldn't.
When she opened her eyes, and saw Gretchen's face again, the young woman was grimacing deeply, body hunched further, clearly in severe pain.
"What's wrong?" asked Kathryn, sharper than she intended, "Doctor," she added quickly, hitting her combadge.
"Don't," said Gretchen, shaking her head lightly, "He already knows, there's nothing he can do."
"What does that mean?" asked Kathryn, voice even sharper.
"His assistant already came here to look, he wanted me to go to Sickbay but agreed it didn't matter, there's nothing to do until the salve wears off."
"Salve? What salve?"
"A Klingon home remedy," said Gretchen, grimacing again, and straining to get the words out as her muscles spasmed, "He thinks it had a reaction with what's left of the herb in my system."
"Another herbal remedy?" accused Kathryn loudly, "Gretchen really, you know what happened last time. You're not a medical officer or a trained herbalist of any kind," she said sternly, "Anything bad could happen."
"I didn't do it on purpose," hissed Gretchen, "It's just a salve, besides I saved B'Elanna's life that time didn't I?" answered Gretchen combatively, wincing in pain as her muscles clenched again.
Don't make her upset. You're hurting her, thought Kathryn, frowning in sympathy at the twisted muscles.
When the spasm was over, Gretchen relaxed slightly and put forward petulantly, "It's B'Elanna's grandmother's recipe. She gave it to me…..a long time ago," said Gretchen, voice fading off at the last words, eyes becoming distant.
"Did Voyager run out of medication in your timeline?" asked Kathryn, trying to keep her present.
"No," said Gretchen, speaking slowly, as if she both wanted, and didn't want to talk, "I had…..muscle spasms…..in my throat,"
The young woman pulled her arms up partway to her throat, seeming to give up as her face showed terrible pain.
"After Marla…..," added Gretchen, wincing, and blinking her eyes, avoiding Kathryn's face.
The crazed woman who tried to kill my daughter when she was 12. The woman who did kill me.
After a painful pause, Gretchen forced herself to continue, "After Marla tried to strangle me I had muscle spasms for years. I tried to hide them, after the first time, when the Doctor said there wasn't anything physically wrong, that they were psychosomatic…...it made me feel weak, so I kept them to myself…..except for Thomas."
Nearly being murdered next to her mother's corpse. Is it any wonder her body couldn't forget?
"I was alone a lot after you died and daddy became Captain….." continued Gretchen slowly, still looking off, "So it was pretty easy to hide them."
I knew Gretchen had an obsession with appearing strong, capable...valuable, she winced internally, listening.
Gretchen gulped painfully, and one shoulder stuck out violently, in an awful jerking motion, but after a moment the young woman continued her story.
"But then when I was 14 I became an apprentice in Engineering with B'Elanna. Sam Wildman was my first mentor under her…..and one day I was desperately trying to fix one of my mistakes, I couldn't get this stupid alarm to go off…..and when Sam came up behind me to fix it…..she's blonde too you know, like Marla…..and I just…..I couldn't breath…...It hurt so bad…..I felt like I would cough up my stomach...And Thomas just came out of nowhere and held me, so tight, like he always did when it happened,...and it still hurt, but the attack stopped."
"I was sure I was going to get kicked out of Engineering," added Gretchen, glancing her eyes over guiltily for a moment, "But when B'Elanna came over she asked me if I was alright and then acted like nothing happened."
Gretchen closed her eyes and there was a long pause. The young woman breathed in and out, rubbing her hands jerkily, and Kathryn could see tears run down her cheeks.
"Then the next day when I came in there was this little origami box on my work station, turquoise which is my favorite color. It was so pretty," said Gretchen smiling a little, even as her muscles seized again, "And inside was a jar of that salve," she added, finally turning and making eye contact with Kathryn.
"I never had a true attack again," stated Gretchen, with a watery, but joyful smile, "And the pain would always go away quickly when I put on that salve."
Just as Kathryn began to return the smile, feeling relieved, Gretchen continued, "Even when daddy tried to kill me in the Rift," said Gretchen, averting her eyes again, "The attacks never came back."
Damn, thought Kathryn.
D A M N
Somehow I didn't put it together, she thought in frustration, That both Marla Gilmore and Chakotay tried to strangle Gretchen to death.
Chakotay almost killed her today. Of course it brought Marla back too.
My death. The Rift. Her timeline. Everything.
Of course.
There was a long silent moment, as they both sat in thought.
"I think they both loved me, deep down," said Gretchen finally, smiling softly, very sadly.
Gretchen sighed a moment later, a mournful noise that was painful to hear.
"But they're both gone," Gretchen said quietly, and she stared down at the low table, "Just like everyone else."
I'm sorry.
"B'Elanna's still here," said Kathryn softly, "Sam is too."
So am I.
"I know they both care about you, deeply."
"Maybe….," said Gretchen non-committally, still looking down, arm muscles spasing again.
"But it will never be the same," she said, sighing heavily.
Gretchen sagged into her own arms on the table. Then she scratched her scalp with her hand, contorting in a way that looked painful.
Before Kathryn could interfere the spasm was over, and the young woman sighed again, as if finishing a sentence.
There was a long moment of silence.
"How's daddy?" Gretchen said eventually, sound muffled by her arms.
"Alright," answered Kathryn, "There weren't any ill effects from Shimai's control."
"I'm unreasonably annoyed with him," said Gretchen sharply, still hiding her face.
"That's your right," said Kathryn firmly.
"Is it?" said Gretchen, looking up at her, "I know he didn't mean to hurt me today…..I know he didn't mean to hurt me after the Rift illness…he never means to hurt me," she said pathetically, looking away and sighing.
"Just because he didn't mean to, doesn't mean he didn't," said Kathryn gently, knowing she was not really referring to his mind controlled attack, "You could speak to him honestly, like you spoke to me, about how I treated you in your timeline. It's the same thing really...Chakotay would have made those exact decisions if you hadn't come back in time. So far as your relationship goes...he is responsible for what he did. The choices he made as your father, the effects they had on you...Leaving you alone to handle your mother's death when you were 12, having unreaslistic expectations of your behavior, not allowing you to be angry at your mother's treatment of you."
Gretchen glanced at her briefly, and then looked away, blowing the air out of her lungs quickly, in an expression that was angry and exacerbated.
Finally the young woman shook her head and said quietly, "I don't know how to talk to my father, not really. He couldn't handle my honesty."
Gretchen head was still on her arms, looking away, and speaking softly, "I was prepared for you to be the villain in my story. As much as I loved you, I hated you too. Thomas knew that, even when you were alive. B'Elanna guessed. Mary and Lynna knew later. It wasn't quite a secret on my Voyager."
"But daddy...I never whispered to anyone….not even under my breath….that sometimes I hated him too."
Gretchen was staring at the wall, very intently, but whenever she blinked more tears fell down her face.
"It wasn't something I acknowledged, even to myself."
"I know," said Kathryn, very gently.
"I'm angry at him…because I took hits he should have taken, as my father. When I was angry about you, or Marla, or anything…I just had to eat that anger, I just had to turn it on myself…because I knew he couldn't handle it….because he was too weak….after you died he was just too weak to take...any of my real feelings...to pay any attention to what I wanted or needed...he was too weak to be my father."
"I hate him for being weak," said Gretchen viciously, gripping her own arm in a manner that looked absolutely painful.
Kathryn, gently pulled her hand away and held it in both of hers.
"I know," she said firmly.
"I don't know what to do about it," Gretchen continued, still staring at the wall.
Kathryn tried to catch her eye, but did not succeed.
After a moment Kathryn continued speaking, "Maybe you shouldn't do anything now Gretchen. You're healing. Maybe what you need, is permission not to carry your father's feelings anymore. Whatever they are. Let him worry about them. I promised I would stand up for you, and I haven't changed my mind just because Chakotay's awake now."
"You always were stronger than daddy," said Gretchen, sighing exhaustedly, "If the tables were turned he'd never be able to turn down your pleading."
I know.
Gretchen took her hand back and put her head down on her arms, groaning again in pain as the spasms wracked her body.
Finally Gretchen blinked tiredly, and closed her eyes, seeming to slip into unconsciousness.
Kathryn stared at her for long minutes, feeling no relief.
Dread was creeping into her stomach.
Dread...and memory.
You can't do much for her. This is her decision.
Gretchen's face was sweaty, and her auburn hair was now dirty and tangled from the illness.
Have you ever wanted to escape?
Came Gretchen's voice, echoing in Kathryn's mind in the darkness.
Kathryn shuddered and looked away for a moment, trying not to think of the answer.
When she looked back Gretchen's exhausted face was still frozen in a scowl of pain.
My baby's in Hell.
Kathryn thought, hopelessly, her stomach wracked with pain now.
She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking desparately.
Her mind recalled their conversation last night on Dante's Inferno.
There's no hope in Hell, Kathryn thought, remembering a commentary she'd read somewhere.
No prayer. No music.
Kathryn breathed in deeply, balling her hands into fists, even as her body seemed frozen in despair.
I will not give up.
She breathed in and out. In and out, for long moments, staring at Gretchen's form.
I must do something.
She breathed in and out again, the sadness still threatening to take her.
Finally she thought again.
No hope, no prayer, no music.
I can solve one of those.
Kathryn wracked her brain for the name for a moment and then spoke to the computer, starting a symphony by Gretchen's favorite Bajoran composer.
She continued her vigil and as she watched, she was shocked to see her muscles did relax, ever so slightly.