Finally Tom drew back, and looked away, wiping his eyes.
"I'm sorry Captain,"
"You don't have to apologize," said Kathryn a little humorously, "It's not the first time a crew member has cried on my shoulder, and it won't be the last."
"I'm glad we had a talk," said Kathryn, tapping his arm lightly as he straightened up.
"You look like you could use a talk too Captain," he said, looking at her.
"We care about the same people," said Kathryn, "The same ship. I imagine you know it all anyway."
I'm not going to lean on a younger member of my staff. That's inappropriate.
"Well," he sighed, looking at her evaluatingly, as if he had something else to say.
Kathryn stared back, the full Captain's strength behind her gaze.
He sighed, and looked away briefly, before looking back, "It's Harry…."
As he breathed in deeply, preparing himself to speak, Kathryn's slight smile dropped and she stared at him intently.
He mentioned Harry's name earlier but I didn't think….
"He got dumped," said Tom sadly.
Kathryn felt both relieved and devastated.
Oh, Harry….
"His fiancé, Libby, finally sent him the Dear John letter everyone knew was coming…everyone except Harry," he sighed, chest collapsing as all the air left, "He's…..pretty awful right now."
Kathryn clenched his arm again, "I would expect he would be Tom," she said seriously.
"I hate to ask, I really, really hate to ask," he added, averting his gaze for just a moment, and then looking back, looking more like himself, but still nervous, "But there's no one on this ship, maybe no one in the entire galaxy, Harry respects more than you. You speaking to him about it could be the difference between his accepting this…..and months of hating himself."
"You know I love Harry, Tom," said Kathryn forcefully, "I'll do whatever I can."
Did not mean to say love there. Gretchen's influence, I had better watch that.
Tom was neither fooled, nor surprised, "You had better take care of yourself too Captain," he answered her, raising a hand and clenching her arm briefly, holding her gaze, "Because the feeling's mutual."
Tom nodded at her, and she watched him until he disappeared down the turbolift.
Kathryn was exhausted when she got back to her Quarters but her mind was racing in a million directions and even though she was tired, seeing Harry was at least something she could do.
Though it seemed the conversation with Tom had taken hours, it was really just a little after midnight, and she knew it was likely Harry was still up.
It's never easy, thought Kathryn, wondering what she could do for Harry. She debated replicating something comforting but sadly, could not think of what food or treats Harry liked. In the end she went empty handed.
Harry opened the door right away. She could see he had been crying and she looked back at him in sympathy. He let her in, and immediately began talking.
"I know it made sense Captain….it was the reasonable thing to do…..I know she thought we were dead…."
"You don't have to be reasonable about this Harry," said Kathryn softly, "I didn't come as the Captain. I came as a friend and as someone…..who's been through the same thing."
"I….I don't want to take up your time Captain," said Harry, looking back and forth between her and the wall, fidgeting uncertainly.
Obviously he wants me to stay.
"I'm sitting down Harry," said Kathryn, "You can talk or not. Cry or not. I'm here regardless."
She sat down on his couch and waited. Harry stood quietly for a long time, slumping uncharacteristically. He would distort his face, and sniff, wiping his eyes every so often, struggling to speak.
Finally, Harry gulped, and began to pace erratically, "I know I've been infatuated with more than one woman on this journey…..however brief it might've been, but through it all, in the back of my mind, I really thought that if we were lucky enough to get back, if I lived, and I was still young…..somehow I convinced myself that she'd wait, that she'd know, that she missed me as much as I miss her…"
"I know it was foolish Captain, childish even….."
"Harry, it's not childish to have emotions…..I know it hurts but, you can't just reason this one away…..you have to let yourself feel it…..even if it's ugly….."
He looked up at her and she could see his pain.
"She's married already," he said in frustration, "For three years already married….that's why she didn't write me, she didn't know how to tell me….I can understand, that's not a conversation I'd want to have either…..leave out the marriage and it gives me false hope…..tell me about it and hurt someone on the other side of the galaxy, someone just trying to survive…..someone you used to love….."
"But after I wrote again, and a third time….she had to tell me…..and you know what?"
"She didn't say it, but I looked at the records, and she's a mother now, she and her husband have twins."
"I'm sorry Harry," said Kathryn, eyes widening at his open, pained face.
"And you know what Captain, part of me, some part of me says, how dare she have children with some man that isn't me."
Kathryn clenched his right shoulder with her left hand, and rubbed at it comfortingly, "I'm sorry Harry, it'll get better. In time it'll get better, I promise."
Harry's face crumbled, and Kathryn's heart tugged and broke, as the young man started to cry. She put her arms around him, and although he was much taller, he rested his head on her shoulder, and sobbed.
Kathryn spent three hours with Harry, just letting him talk about his disappointed hopes and cry when he needed to.
She loved Harry, had since he had joined the crew, the eager, promising Ensign, but for the first time in all the year she'd known him, she felt like she had seen him completely vulnerable. Had seen Harry, and not the Starfleet officer.
She felt awful, as she left his Quarters, but felt it was at least a consolation to both of them, that they had grown closer.
She'd hugged him, as she left, and he'd given her a wan smile.
He's going to spend the whole night crying, I know it.
It hurt. And reminded her of things, she did not want to remember.
John. Mark.
And all the unhappiness she'd caused by leaving her crew in the Delta Quadrant.
Harry should be the one married to Libby. He should be the father of those twins.
He would've been. If I hadn't stranded us here.
Kathryn lifted her hand to her chest, and the other hand to the wall as a wave of pain and sadness hit her.
She heard a door, and breathed in sharply, strolling along again with her shoulders back, nodding to the crew members that had just exited the turbolift.
No matter what you did, you cannot show that despair in front of the crew.
If you give up, they will too, and this will all be for nothing.
Kathryn kept her poise until the turbolift doors closed on her, and then relaxed her shoulders against the metal, slumping until they reached her own deck.
As her footsteps echoed in the silent, empty cooridor, the grief was suddenly overwhelming.
Gretchen sighed, fully clothed on her bed. It was well past 2 in the morning, but she had not been able to sleep since Tom had dropped her off at her Quarters.
Sleeping all day probably didn't help.
She could still see her crew, out of the corner of her eye if she looked too quickly. It was not a true hallucination, but just the impression of someone there right before she focused.
Two weeks ago the Doctor had cleared her to begin weaning herself off of the herb which had caused her visions. As the visions had finally stopped, her brain seemed strong enough to deal with the process. She would have to be free of the herb, if she was to leave Voyager.
The detox had gone smoothly until last night, when the Klingon salve had combined with what was left of the herb in her system.
This terrible feeling must be the last of the interaction.
No, not only that.
The herb made you see what you were avoiding. And what are you avoiding now?
That you're living in a graveyard.
That they're gone.
She moaned, uncertain why after all these months tonight her body and mind would not let her forget.
She closed her eyes again, only to see Mary's gashed face hovering above her.
She gasped, opening her eyes to the sterile metallic ceiling of her room.
Damn it, she thought, waiting a long moment in her bed uncertain.
I'll go to therapy.
The ship was relatively empty this time of night, and she was able to dodge crew members. She did not want to speak to anyone.
The holodeck was unoccupied, and she entered, footsteps echoing loudly in the large, empty space.
"Call up Medical Program-Kincaid 1."
Deanna's ocean tone office appeared, with the half-Betazoid woman sitting on a muted purple chair.
"What brings you here today, Gretchen?"
"It's night," said Gretchen, almost in annoyance. It was clear to her again that the counselor was only a holodeck program.
"Would you like me to change the time of day?" asked the woman, gesturing to the light streaming in through two curtained windows to the side.
"No," said Gretchen, seating herself.
I might as well try to be in a cooperative mood.
"I'm here because I'm seeing my crew," said Gretchen frankly, holding her head, which suddenly hurt, "I'm seeing them dead."
"That's not too surprising," said Deanna, gently.
"It's been over a year and a half," said Gretchen.
"Grief takes time," said Deanna, "Besides which you've been awfully distracted by coming back to this timeline, by the mission, by your mother. Should I take it you're at something of a lull?"
"I don't know that I'd call it that," said Gretchen, headache increasing, "I'm trying to figure out whether I should leave Voyager or not. The biggest decision of my life, that was really up to me. Shouldn't that be distracting?"
"Perhaps you feel guilty," said Deanna.
"Don't I ever." said Gretchen frankly, "But why now? Why again?"
"You're about on time," said Deanna, looking at her kindly, "The first year often isn't the hardest. The second year the shock, the intense pain eases, things get better," she said, very gently, holding Gretchen's gaze, "Things get better, and when they do, we look around for the people we love."
'When we begin to accept the deaths, a new type of pain enters. One we've never known before," the therapist's lilting voice continued.
"And we realize the separation isn't temporary. That they're not coming back."
Gretchen cried, and huddled on the chair. Eyes closed and body hunched in pain.
She felt Deanna's hand on her back.
"Computer, End Program," Gretchen screamed.
She tumbled to the floor, sobbing.
Gretchen lay there for long minutes.
Finally she heard the doors to the holodeck open. She moved quickly, wiping her tears off, but before she even lifted up in her weakened state she turned, and her eyes widened in surprise.
"Is this the third night in a row?" said Gretchen.
"Something like that," said the Captain gently, "I guess we're drawn to the same places."
"You weren't checking up on me then?" asked Gretchen, finally forcing herself to stand. Her muscles were aching again, though not so badly as last night.
"No," said the Captain, entering, "Maybe I should've been though," she said, looking at the young woman in concern, "Tom told me you were doing…alright. I assumed you were asleep."
"What are you doing at the holodeck then?" exclaimed Gretchen, "Were you going to play Velocity by yourself at 3:00 in the morning?"
"It's more like 4:00," answered Kathryn quickly, debating.
Holodeck time is usually considered private…but if I expect her to tell me the truth….
Kathryn smiled, a bit self-deprecatingly, "I was actually going to try out a therapy program."
"You were going to meet with Deanna?"
"Is that her name?" asked Kathryn.
"Yes, she's based on the therapist for the Federation's flagship, Deanna Troi."
Gretchen was still staring at her, blinking in surprise.
Perhaps I shouldn't have told her.
The crew needs to think of me as tough…..and perhaps no one needs to think that more than Gretchen.
"What were you going to ask her about?" asked Gretchen, suddenly, frowning.
Even more personal…..but what can I do but answer?
"I was going to ask her about guilt," said Kathryn, honestly, but without details.
I don't know if it would help her to know or not.
Gretchen frowned, and then glanced upwards, muttering to herself, "This night keeps on getting weirder."
What does that mean?
"Do you want me to introduce you?" asked Gretchen, changing her posture suddenly, so that it was almost eager.
"Sure," said Kathryn, nodding. A moment later a blue toned office with beautiful curtained windows and an elegant woman seated on a backless chair appeared.
"This is Deanna," said Gretchen, gesturing, and the woman rose, "Deanna, this is my…."
The image of the woman flickered, and disappeared. In the same moment, the ship jerked violently and Kathryn and Gretchen flew across the room.
Kathryn managed to stop herself, but Gretchen slammed into the wall of the holodeck.
"Ow!" she screamed loudly, sagging into a seated position, and continuing to moan.
"Gretchen!" shouted Kathryn, remembering how she had died months ago.
"My head's fine," said Gretchen, holding her back, as she stayed down for a moment, "My muscles just ache. That stupid herb. I'm supposed to be a dancer, and you're the one with better reflexes."
"You've been through the wringer," said Kathryn, relieved, and offering her arm. In the same moment, her Captain's instincts kicked in, and she berated herself for the brief interlude.
"Bridge, report," said Kathryn commandingly, hitting her combadge with one hand, as she helped Gretchen lift up with the other.
"I'm sorry," said a nearly unfamiliar voice, "I'm so sorry," he repeated, "Captain we got a distress call. I'm so sorry, I had to stop the ship hard…..well I didn't have to, but I did. I'm so sorry Captain."
The night shift and so many crew members on vacation. We're far down the list of pilots. I'm sure no one expected anything to happen tonight.
"Calm down," said Janeway firmly, "You stopped us, that's the important part. What's this distress signal?"
"It's from a Klingon space station, Captain," said the voice, "They say they're under attack. I knew you'd want to stop."
"You were right," said Janeway, "Red Alert," she ordered, "All hands to battle stations."