Michael Brown

When professor McGonagall finally took the Sorting Hat off my head, releasing my mind from its hold, I started walking towards the Ravenclaw table with trembling legs, completely unnerved by the experience I was subjected to.

My journey to the table was mostly silent, as contrary to Harry Potter's sorting, mine wasn't something really worth celebrating. After hearing the name of their house my new housemates just gave me a small, courtesy applause, which ended after a few seconds to let the sorting ceremony continue. I didn't really mind this kind of indifference though, as given what had just happened I wasn't exactly in the celebratory mood.

How could I be? I just went through a horrible, invasive procedure, where my mind and soul were laid bare before an ancient, powerful artifact, which was created solely to extract secrets from children. What's even worse, that artifact was completely loyal to Hogwarts, and by extension, its headmaster. I had no doubt that the Sorting Hat would readily tell Dumbledore about everything it was able to find inside my mind, sharing my every little secret to that twinkle-eyed bastard the second the feast was over. More likely than not, that cold-blooded tyrant would then use that knowledge to take control over the Ministry, and thus the entire wizarding world, ruling over it with the iron fist.

But what did that development mean for me? Well, most likely nothing good. As Dumbledore already learned all my secrets(or at least he would learn them in a few hours), I stopped being a valuable source of information, instead becoming a serious liability. It was likely that I would be quietly executed during my education at Hogwarts and replaced with an identical doppelganger, which would be one of Dumbledore's loyal puppets. It was quite a terrifying thought, especially as I had no way of preventing that from happening.

I spent the next minutes preoccupied with my thoughts, not really paying attention to the rest of the sorting ceremony. I could see other freshmen being sorted, but I wasn't really able to concentrate on that, as I was dealing with the gloomy realization of my impending doom. I was however brought back to the present when the sorting ended and Dumbledore rose from his throne, gathering everyone's attention.

"Welcome!" he said loudly, looking at us through his half-moon spectacles from the end of the Great Hall. His voice, powerful and controlled, carried through the hall, making everyone wait for his next words. I could just tell that it was the beginning of one of his charismatic speeches, meant to convert Hogwarts students into his loyal minions. He would no doubt say something that would make him look like a strong father figure, making all these gullible children trust him. I wouldn't be fooled though, as I knew his true nature. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you"

After saying that, Dumbledore sat down on his throne, deciding to not elaborate further.

What?

Seriously, what was that? Despite desperately thinking about the meaning behind these words, I couldn't come up with a sensible explanation about his behaviour. Were these words some sort of code? Or maybe a subliminal message, meant to put some command inside our heads? I could hear other students saying "good, old Dumbledore" or "Mad as always", which would indicate that they thought it was just some sort of weird greeting, but it couldn't possibly be true. I mean, that guy was the most powerful wizard in the world, capable of putting pressure on the Ministry itself. He was responsible for two wizarding wars! Surely he wouldn't act like a dementia-addled grandpa for no reason, right?

…right?

Unfortunately I wasn't able to solve this mystery, as the Ravenclaw table, previously empty, was suddenly filled with absurd amounts of food and drinks, starting the feast . I could see various meals lying before me, every different than the last, with not even one repeating itself as far as I could see. Students around me started digging in, trying to consume the piles of food placed before them as quickly as possible.

I looked at the dishes in front of me. They looked extremely delicious, making my mouth water and my stomach burp. In the moment of weakness I was actually tempted to try some of the food, seduced by the sight of perfectly-roasted pork lying invitingly next to my plate, but I was fortunately able to stop myself from giving in to the temptation. It took some effort but I stopped my hand before it reached for the fork, instead letting it rest on the table. I wouldn't eat any of the food presented to me today.

My unwillingness came from the fact that I knew where all this food came from. It was made in the dark bowels of the Hogwarts castle by the race of enslaved creatures known as house elves.

House elves were long-eared humanoids, forced by the human race to do all kinds of menial jobs for them, whether it was cleaning the rooms, moving stuff or cooking. The fact that all of their jobs could be done by swing of the wand showed that Hogwarts, who possessed hundreds of house elves, was using them for making meals only because the faculty enjoyed forcing "the lesser race" to do that.

I was also relatively sure that these house elves were also unofficially serving as Hogwarts' assassins. I mean, they were a powerful magical race, capable of wandless magic and instant teleportation, so there was no way nobles weren't using them to assassinate their political rivals. After all, there was nothing stopping a house elf from just appearing behind the mage, stab them in the back several times and disappear before the mage would be even able to take out their wand. I could also totally see Kreacher slitting throats of unsuspecting muggle-born mages under orders of his Black masters.

There was no way I would eat any meal prepared by one of these magical assassins. I was certain that they were probably all quite resentful for being forced to serve at Hogwarts, so I wouldn't be surprised if all of these dishes were actually poisoned. And these were just practical concerns. Ethical ones made it even worse.

My musings were however cut short, as one of my housemates, who apparently noticed my lack of participation in the feast, spoke to me from the other side of the table.

"Are you not eating?" asked a black-haired asian girl in a Ravenclaw robe, looking at me questioningly. Judging by her looks she was one of my upperclassmen, though I didn't know from which year. I also had no idea why she was suddenly talking to me instead of people she actually knew. Noticing my suspicious look, she quickly added "I apologize if I was being rude, but the rest of the freshmen are eating, so I was wondering if something was going on"

That question actually made other Ravenclaws look at me too, as they apparently had nothing better to do than to stare at one of the freshmen. Damn it. Well, I supposed that abstaining from eating could be seen as suspicious by other students, especially during the first day at Hogwarts. That certainly wasn't good, as the last thing I wanted at the moment was for others to think of me as suspicious. If one of them were to report me to the faculty, it would give Dumbledore a perfect excuse to get rid of me, so I had to stop it from happening. It however wouldn't be wise to expose my knowledge about the House elves conspiracy, as it could be detrimental to my health, so I decided to give a believable excuse for my weird behaviour, one that would stop my upperclassmen from worrying.

"So, this food appeared out of thin air, right?" I looked at the girl who started the conversation. She just nodded confused, probably not knowing where I was going with it yet. "That probably means that it was created by a spell. But does the magically created food have calories?" I asked, deciding that it would be best to just pretend to be a naive freshman, who doesn't really understand the laws of magic yet. My upperclassmen would surely lose interest in me if I did that. "And if they do, is the food created by magic permanent? If it does vanish after a while, do calories vanish too? Does that mean that I would eventually starve by eating this food?"

It was actually a valid question. I knew that it was one of basic magic laws stating that food couldn't be created out of nothing (But other things, like water, could for whatever reason), but the existing food could be enlarged or multiplied. But how did multiplying food differ from creating it from nothing? I mean, you had a blueprint, sure, but the matter had to be made just the same, so I didn't see a difference between multiplying food and creating it. Also, if you make a burger bigger, doesn't the amount of calories stay the same? Would that actually change anything? And what…

Wait, it was supposed to be just an excuse, I shouldn't think about that at the moment!

Looking around, I noticed that my strategy seemed to be working quite well, as most of the students, after looking at me silently for a while, would slowly turn away from me and return to their previous activities, ignoring me completely. The girl responsible for this conversation actually opened her mouth a few times, apparently trying to say something in response to my arguments, but she eventually gave up and started talking to someone else as well, deciding that it wasn't worth explaining it to me, when I would learn that during my classes.

Seeing everyone's reactions I knew I was somehow able to avert the crisis and make everyone believe I was just a normal, if a little nervous, freshman.

I was actually thinking about including Luna in this chapter, but the whole Magic/Food thing sort of just happened, and I decided it wasn't a good place to introduce her. She will probably show up in the next chapter though.