Chapter 6 - I'm not fit to be a father

They apparated in front of the door.

Ginny gasped 'What…? How?' she stammered 'Where are James and Albus?'

'We are here' Albus piped up from somewhere.

'Let's get inside' Harry said opening the door and going toward the kitchen followed by the others.

Once there James and Albus tugged the cloak off, Albus smiling and James frowning.

'Hermione did an outstanding piece of magic to allow me to gather you all and bring you here. This situation is starting to be ridiculous' Harry said very much annoyed 'Are you all ok? Ginny, are you ok?'

Ginny nodded 'Yes, just a bit off-balance but ok'

Albus nodded but James had still a contrary expression 'I wouldn't call it "ok". We had to hide under the cloak, I couldn't even give a decent goodbye to my friends and then we have been almost crushed to death by a mob.'

'I don't think anybody enjoyed it much but since the magical community had discovered you mum's pregnancy the situation is getting out of hands'

'I noticed. Well, I'm going to my room.' He said dryly marching off.

Harry didn't know whether to be affronted, surprised or concerned. He opted for all of them.

Ginny had the same bemused expression as him. This had never happened before in three Hogwarts years. James had always been very happy to be back, perhaps not in an effusive way but quite cheerful.

They both swift their enquiring gaze to Albus but he was looking toward the stairs where James had just disappeared, his expression uneasy. Seeing this Ginny smiled and hugged him tightly.

'Welcome back, sweetie'

He returned the hug and, feeling the protuberance separating them, exclaimed 'Your belly is huge'.

Ginny made an involuntary grimace.

Harry burst out laughing 'Albus, that one is a forbidden word in this house, please don't use it anymore. Your mum is very sensitive about it!'

'Does it move?'

'He moves all the time for your mum's joy' he replied still sniggering.

'He moves? Is it a boy?' he asked widening his eyes excited.

'No, sweetie… We don't know yet…' Ginny replied scowling at Harry that busied himself immediately with the kettle for the tea. Ginny made Albus sit down serving him a slice of chocolate cake.

'So, what's wrong with James?' Harry asked once they were all sitting down.

'He is not happy about the baby' he said taking a bite to his cake.

'Why?'

Albus was chewing slowly, taking some time to answer, his gaze fixed on his plate, slightly fidgeting on the chair 'He thinks that you want to replace Lily' he said throwing a quick glance at Harry in the end.

'Me?' he exclaimed bewildered.

'Yes, I didn't say anything though! He didn't want me to say' he added quickly.

'This is such a bullshit!' Harry let slip irritated.

'Harry!' Ginny snapped; she didn't approve of swearing in front of the kids. Quite rightly at that.

'I'm sorry, Ginny. Albus, you didn't hear my last sentence. Why does he say that? Why me?'

Albus shrugged his shoulders 'I dunno. He just said that it was you'

Harry frowned; he couldn't even reply with clean conscience that it must take two to make a baby because in this particular occasion it was him who had forced the whole thing.

'We don't want to replace anybody. And it takes two to make a baby' Ginny said caressing Albus' head.

Ginny, I love you with all my heart. And I definitely don't deserve you.

Albus blushed slightly, and seeing it a sudden thought, totally unconnected with what was passing at the moment, crossed Harry's mind.

Do I have to explain to them about sex?

He froze in panic. He had never really halted to reflect on it, always giving for granted that they knew already. But did they? And what did they know? Nobody ever explained him anything. He had learned by scrapes of conversation and television (the fact that he had had three children with a fourth coming, none of them tried for, it showed), everything had been confirmed and delineated when at Hogwarts, and tried later on. He never had any parents though. Is it a role of a father to instruct about it? And when? James was definitely the right age but Albus?

Normally he would have asked Hermione or Ron's advice but now he couldn't do that anymore.

'I'm happy about the baby' Albus gabbled interrupting his train of thought 'and I know you don't want to replace her' he added subdued fiddling with the napkin.

'How was it at Hogwarts?' Harry asked, wanting to know how students had behaved toward them and wanting to switch the topic from Lily to any other.

Albus frowned dissecting his cake uneasy 'I dunno. Everybody asked us a lot of questions. Some treated Rose very meanly. James duelled with a few and has been given detention twice. And when they discovered that mum was pregnant not everybody has been nice.' He lowered his gaze and his voice 'Some girls said that you should be ashamed to make a baby so soon after Lily'

Harry groaned irritated; he was fed up with this situation. Why couldn't people mind their own business? And, in a measure, kids were just repeating what in general was talked of. He didn't like the boys' minds to be polluted with these obnoxious gossips.

When James had turned ten, he had discussed with Ginny about the possibility of home school, but they opted for Hogwarts in the end, he couldn't screen his kids forever and it seemed unfair to deny James the possibility of making new friends and to experience the castle that had meant so much for him just because of the situation surrounding them.

However, there is a price to pay for everything, and in their case represented meddle, gossips and hypocrisies.

Harry knowing the truth of what happened in regards of the baby felt guilt burdening him. He couldn't say anything to justify the situation without lying.

But, again, he was saved by Ginny who took the lead of the conversation 'Albus, we didn't try for it. It just happened. And you don't have to listen to them. They don't know about our family, and they have no right to judge us.'

'Exactly' Harry added eager 'Next time tell them to shut their mouth'

'In a nice way…' Ginny concluded.

At dinner time James was still in his adverse mood.

Albus was chatting happily about things he learned in school.

'Professor Magpie talked about phoenixes. We will study them better in our third year, but he explained how they are reborn from ashes. I'd like to see one. And they have healing properties as well. Or at least their tears have. I wonder what it feels like…'

'It's nice…' Harry mumbled absent minded remembering Fawkes healing his arm from the Basilisk bite, albeit, while pronouncing that reply, he was meditating on his new Patronus, understating in a flash the deep significance of it, a significance he hadn't fully grasped until that moment.

Silence fell and it took Harry a few seconds to realise. When he raised his eyes from the plate all the others were staring at him, James had even forgot to be contrary.

'What?' he asked looking at them uncomprehending.

'How do you know?' James asked.

'Ah…' comprehension dawning that probably it wasn't such an everyday experience to be healed by a phoenix but as usual he couldn't bring himself in speaking about his past experiences 'I read it somewhere' he added quickly.

James resumed his contrary expression straight away, while Albus and Ginny kept staring studiously.

'So, how was school, James?' he asked to change topic.

'Fine'

And that was all. Harry wondered what happened to the kid he had known all his life. Was it because of Lily? Or was there something else?

'Ok, right. What's wrong? Spit it out' he asked severe. It was better to confront the problem as soon as possible.

'I said it was fine. There isn't anything wrong.' He replied as contrary as it was possible to be.

'Well, we received two charming letters from your headmistress that told us quite the opposite.'

'If you want to ground me you just need to say, I don't care. It's not as we have any plans for the summer anyway'

Harry started to count mentally to answer composedly, trying to keep his irritation down.

'James, don't take that tone with your father. We don't want to ground you. We just want to understand' Thankfully there was always Ginny that was more than ready to scold instead of him.

'Understand what?! I just said that everything is fine! I got it anyway.' He answered darkly 'You are expecting me to stay shut in here the whole summer or am I wrong?'

'Nobody is happy about it, but we can hardly go on holiday. I know you are on denial, but it's hard not to spot that your mum is quite advanced on her pregnancy and since the only quiet holiday we can have is very far away from England the trip would be too tiring for her.'

Harry and Ginny had decided not to go anywhere this year. The only relaxing holiday Harry could get were in remote places where news of him didn't reach. The whole Europe was precluded and many other countries beside. They tried in the past and hadn't been enjoyable. As soon as his presence was known he would start receiving invitations from politicians and powerful people who couldn't be refused to avoid offence that may lead to possible unhappy diplomatic consequences. His time off would become a succession of dinners and days out one more boring and hateful than the other.

Although, as things were standing, it was unadvisable to go anywhere too far. He didn't want to endanger in any way Ginny's health with a long journey that had to be done by uncomfortable and tiring muggles transportation to protect his privacy. He was sorry for it, he loved to go on holiday, especially to the sea. Some of the best moments of his life connected to it, playing with the children, walking hand in hand with Ginny on the sand. James had been the result of one of those lovely walks under a beautiful starry night. It had been the best holiday of his life. When they were still free from kids and young.

And now he was prisoner in his own house.

'I want to invite a friend over' he replied stubbornly.

'You know very well you can't'

The Fidelius charm didn't allow the kids to invite friends over, their address was a secret that only a few knew and to be kept so, to be protected by the intrusiveness of people.

'I trust my friends' he retorted with a challenging expression.

Harry was reminded of Peter Pettigrew; their parents had trusted their friends too. And see how it ended.

'I know you do, but we cannot risk it, the situation is delicate'

Albus was occasionally rising his gaze from his plate, darting from one to the other.

'It's not going to be that bad, we'll find a way to do something nice' Ginny tried to say conciliating but James was still scowling.

'I want to go over to a friend then'

Harry took a big breath to calm himself 'James, we'll try, but you saw how it was at the platform. People are going to make your life impossible.'

James was the one who most resembled him in looks. Albus had got his eyes but James everything else, including the hot temper.

'I'm not you!' he said almost spiteful rising his voice 'I don't have to stay shut in here because of you!'.

'Ok, that's enough' Ginny admonished, her expression austere 'You are calming down this instant. It's not your father's fault if we are in this situation.'

'Yes, it is! It's always him! Harry Potter here and Harry Potter there! For half of the people I know I'm only Harry Potter's son! They don't even know my name! And now this baby!' his face was starting to be congested 'You didn't have to touch mum!' he concluded standing up angry.

Harry was aghast, where was all of this coming from? He smirked nervously 'James, what's this nonsense? If I hadn't touched her, you wouldn't be born, and neither would Albus'

'James, this is ridiculous, your dad hasn't done anything wrong' Ginny added stern.

Didn't I?

'Do not try to defend him' James retorted and then facing Harry 'When Lily died you left mum completely alone! She was crying all the time and you weren't there! You just shouted at her and scared her, and us! How did you dare to touch her after you treated her that way?!' he was shouting now his face contorted in the effort to contain angry tears.

Harry was shocked, speechless. James was right. He had scared them. He had neglected them when they needed him. He had neglected and mistreated Ginny. He indeed had no right to touch her.

James' words had been like a stab and his voice failed him. He couldn't defend himself. He was undefendable.

The reason of his behaviour had been explained to them, that was true, but it hadn't cancelled the act in itself and his talk had been succeeded by their departure only the day after. They hadn't had any time to spend together to bond again, perhaps it had been a mistake to send them back to Hogwarts so soon. He had inflicted some serious pain and, in those months of separation, that pain had transformed in animosity. In James at least.

Ginny was speechless too looking in astonishment from James to Harry. Albus was frozen, his fork suspended in mid-air, gawping.

James, before any other word could be added, stormed out and a second later they heard the door of his room bang. Ginny ran after him straight away leaving Harry that was rooted on the spot, tormenting his mind with James words. Albus was studying him searchingly.

'Dad?' he said hesitantly seeing his expression.

Harry looked at him, and saw his own eyes looking back, full of concern.

'It has been difficult for James at school.' He muttered fiddling with his fork and averting his gaze.

'I know, Albus. It's ok' he answered patting his shoulder 'You can help me with dishes and then you can go to your room'.

I'm not fit to be a father.