Chapter 7 - Deep down, I know, I deserve to be punished
Harry was lying on his bed listening to the excited talk coming from James' room.
He had been attacked on a soft spot.
With James it had been a problem since the beginning. When Ginny found out about the pregnancy, he had pretended happiness while, in reality, being out of his wits with fear. He didn't feel like a father. He wasn't even sure he wanted kids. He was finally starting to work as an Auror, after years of trainings and tests, and he was throwing himself body and soul in it. He was barely seeing Ginny, working until late every night and sometimes during weekends too. He had missed out all her pregnancy and when the baby was born, he was hardly seeing him awake. He felt awkward in holding him, scared to hurt him and he didn't know how to behave. He never changed a nappy, never gave him a bottle, never cuddled him. He was always at work. Ginny was still at home, and Molly was often at their place to help her out.
He had missed out on James' firsts two years of life. And then Ginny got pregnant again. Panic building up on panic.
When she was close to the end of her second pregnancy, she had confronted him. He could remember it as if it were the day before. He recalled it now with clarity.
He was back from work. It was already ten o'clock after a particularly tough day. He was tired and wishing only to go to bed.
Ginny was waiting for him in the living room.
'We need to talk' she said.
And when a woman says that sentence it's always serious. He learned it eventually, but at that time he hadn't yet.
He sat close to her, his mind still on the day just gone 'What's up?'
'I tried to be understanding but this is not working. I had enough of this situation. You are never at home. I'm basically a single mother, I'm raising James by myself, he barely knows you. I don't want the same for this one' pointing at her belly 'I want you at home'. She concluded.
'Ginny, this is my job. I'm doing it for you, for our family' he replied weary.
'No, you are not doing it for me, nor even for James' she said stern 'You are doing it for yourself alone'
'Ginny, I have to work harder than anybody else. I have to show that I got in for merit and not because of my name' he retorted irritated. It was partially true. He had to work double as everybody else. Or better, he felt that way. He was the youngest in the office and eager to prove himself, to prove to be capable. He didn't want people to think that he got the job only because of the Minister's lustre.
It wasn't easy for him. On one side some people wanted to see him Head of department or in some crazy cases even Minister of Magic, on the other he was ostracized and criticized by people that saw in him a threat to their position and prestige. The whole capped by a popularity growing in intensity to which he wasn't used yet and that it prevented him to have a normal life or interactions.
'I couldn't care less about it. What I care about is you being a father to your own son!'
'You don't understand' he said shaking his head.
'I understand even too well! You are shirking your role as a parent. Don't treat me as a stupid Harry, because I'm not' her eyes were flashing.
'You cannot understand!' he shouted standing up 'You have no idea!'
'No idea of what?' she shouted back 'Why are you escaping from it?'
'I don't know how...' he uttered in confusion. She had indeed hit a mark and Harry felt exposed in front of a reality he didn't want to admit, not even to himself. It was true. He didn't need to work so many hours. He just didn't want to return home. He was scared of what was waiting for him there.
'You don't know how what?' Ginny pressed him, still shouting angry.
And Harry answered something that he had realised only at that moment, something he had never fully elaborated before 'I don't know how to be a father…'
Ginny stiffened; her expression disoriented 'I'm sorry?'
Harry struggled to find the words, to formulate what was just a confusion of half formed new notions 'I don't know how it is done… I've never had a father… I don't know what to do… I've never had any example.' And then he spoke his fear 'What if I fail?'
Ginny's mouth was still open ready to bellow again but nothing came out of it for a second and then she deflated completely.
'Harry…' she said taking his hand and making him sit down close to her 'You don't need to have an example to be a good dad. It will come naturally, it's something you have got inside. You don't have to be scared.'
'It's easy for you to say. You had good parents that loved you, I didn't. How do we know I've got it inside? I feel awkward in holding James, I don't know what to do…'
She smiled and caressed him 'You have got it inside because you are a loving person. As you take care of me, you'll be able to take care of your son. It's normal to feel uncomfortable. It was the same for me at the beginning. You only need to give yourself time and practice.'
He had tried. He began to work less and being at home when James was still awake. He started to get to know his son and to give him what he never received. He discovered that he was able to be a dad despite not having had any example. Perhaps not the best there is, but he had done all what he could. He was so young.
He wondered now if this rocky beginning had affected his relationship with James somehow. Could a toddler feel all these fears and insecurities? He had always had a stronger bond with Ginny than with him, but until a few months before they were doing fine. But now everything had suddenly changed.
When Ginny got back in the room her expression was gloomy.
She sat close to him and leaned to kiss him. The spells to modify her appearance were starting to fade. Harry had in front the usual red-haired Ginny who he had learned to love more than his own life. Only her eyes had retained a shade of green, but that one too would disappear very soon.
He waited for her to speak first not knowing where to start.
'Harry…' a sigh escaped her mouth 'it's complicated. He had a tough semester… I think he feels a bit overshadowed by you, he feels he needs to live up to your standard'
'What standard?'
'You know… All the stuff you have done… Hogwarts' champion, dementors, the basilisk, You-Know-Who…'
'I didn't ask for any of it!' he snapped 'I didn't want it! Does he think it has been fun the whole of it?'
'That's the point' Ginny replied calmly 'He is surrounded by people who think it's the highest of coolness. When they look at him, they see you and he feels they are expecting the same from him. He is under a lot of pressure. He spent the last six months in protecting Rose from bullying and Albus from gossips.'
Harry felt oppressed, the sense of guilt that was haunting him getting stronger. All his mistakes were coming out in waves against him and not only his mistakes, but also things on which he never had any control.
'You heard what he said about touching you…'
'Harry, he said that just because of the pressure. He didn't even know what he was saying'
'He did know, Ginny. He is old enough to know what he is talking about. And he is right. He probably even imagined it. I scared you all. He has been sent to the Burrow and forced to leave you here alone with me out of control. I abandoned them and what is worse, I hurt you' he let out the last sentence almost in a whisper staring the wall not to look at her.
She lay on his side encircling him with her arms 'Harry, you were not in your right mind. You didn't mean to. It was a very difficult circumstance. You cannot punish yourself forever'
Harry turned in that embrace to face her and, wanting to caress her, his gaze fell on his hand caught by one of his countless scars "you must not tell lies". Umbridge, the one responsible for it, appeared in his mind telling his younger self what she did several times. Those words had always been harboured in a corner of him, but never weakened in intensity. He now knew that they were true. She was right.
Deep down, I know, I deserve to be punished.
Terrifying dream last night,
I was again tied to Tom Riddle's tombstone in the graveyard.
Ginny was tied too, far away from me. I couldn't see her, but I knew she was there.
Voldemort was about to arrive like in all the other dreams and I was terrified. I was trying frantically to free myself and I couldn't. I was tied too tight. And then he appeared, the only difference was that it wasn't Voldemort. It was me. The same me of the previous dream. A heinous, monstrous me with red flaming eyes. He observed me in my powerlessness and smiled viciously. And I knew what was hidden in his mind. It wasn't me he wanted. He walked out of sight, toward where Ginny was tied. There was nothing I could do to stop him. I struggled, I kicked, and I wriggled furiously but in vain, I was too weak. I couldn't see him anymore, but I knew everything what was happening.
Ginny started screaming in a horrendous way. Air was glutted with her pain, fear and anguish. Her cries pierced my ears. I was frantic, maddening, knowing what was happening and uncapable to help her.
And then silence fell.
I looked at my hands.
They were covered in blood.
And I knew I killed her.